Game Night Double Feature: Let’s Go Tonally Dissonant With ‘Cricket: Jae’s Really Peculiar Game’ and ‘I Am Your Beast’

Cricket: Jae’s Really Peculiar Game is a pretty familiar JRPG – they put it right there in the subtitle, after all – with particular influence from the RPGs of the Super Nintendo’s catalog. For its combat, the most direct point of comparison is something like the various Mario role-playing game series. Character statistics, equipment options, and available actions in combat are all relatively uncomplicated. Combat is supplemented by opportunities to increase damage dealt or reduce damage taken with timed inputs, similar to the Action Commands in Paper Mario, Mario and Luigi, or Super Mario RPG.

And for the record, they’re called Action Commands in the SMRPG remaster. You can’t touch me, oldheads.

Cricket is also the story of a group of kids with complicated parental relationships trying to travel to the moon to be granted wishes. Jae, his best friend Zack, the mysterious-yet-bubbly Symphony and a party of new friends they meet along the way are trying to reach a place on the moon called Yimmelia, where wishes are granted. Along the way, they’ll fight shark gangsters, take over for an indisposed singer, attend a fan convention, and witness grim episodes of ancient history through a series of mysterious magical fires. It can be a bit much.

Generally, the difficulty level is not terribly high. I assume that this is intended at least in part to maintain accessibility for children, and I can’t fault the developers for not trying too hard to satisfy the weird obsessive RPG nerd in me. There is also a button marked Win in the combat menu, which does in fact make you win the fight. This is a great way to give the player control over their experience of the game, but I can’t say it reflects positively on my experience with the game’s combat that I found myself habitually skipping encounters.

In its overall atmosphere, tone, and presentation, Cricket draws heavily on the comedic elements common to many games in the genre. In particular, with its party of young children fighting with things other than weapons, assortment of weird enemies, and main plot kicked off by a character crashing to earth outside a small town and delivering a somewhat mysterious call to adventure to our heroes, Cricket wears its love for Earthbound on its sleeve.

Symphony (pictured immediately following her own crash landing) does fare better than Buzz Buzz in the longer run, though.

A brief aside: as someone five years younger than Earthbound, I have to say that the combination of elements reminds me of nothing so much as the MARDEK series of Flash games. Admittedly, I make this particular reference not so much to help the average person reading this review understand me as in the hopes of making a handful of readers go absolutely wild that someone mentioned MARDEK.

Like many games with comedic elements, Cricket does not devote itself entirely to laughs, but seeks to balance its humor with a more serious story. All of the main party’s characters have problems in their relationships with their parents, which act as major defining elements for their characters. Jae’s mother is recently deceased and he hopes to use his wish to return her to life, Charlie is affected by their parents’ absurdly high expectations, and Zack wants to challenge his absent father to a boxing match to prove his own worth. I found all of these relationships compelling. They make for great motivations, and the character writing surrounding them is consistently excellent.

In a thread that plays out mostly in parallel to the others, the party occasionally comes across strange white flames. If anyone other than Jae touches these, they just get burned, but when Jae touches them he experiences visions of unknown people in various scenes – some tragic, some nostalgic, and some desperate and terrifying.

Naturally, the paths of the story gradually converge, but the white flame story spends quite a lot of time on the sidelines, playing out in tantalizingly small moments interspersed through the game.

Ultimately, for most of the time that I spent on Cricket’s gameplay and more comedic writing elements, I just wanted to get back to the serious parts. On one hand, I like to think that reflects more positively on the quality of the dramatic writing than it does negatively on the other elements. On the other hand, it still makes for a frustrating experience.

I like Cricket well enough, but I certainly don’t love it. If you like the comedy or the combat more than I do, you’ll probably find the game suits you better. And if anyone involved in writing for the game has done anything a little more focused on the dramatic, I would be thrilled to give that a try. – Bex Kane

[Cricket: Jae’s Really Peculiar Game, developed by Studio Kumiho and published by PM Studios, is now available for $24.99 for PlayStation 4&5, Xbox Series X|S, Nintendo Switch, Steam, and the Epic Games Store. This review was written using a Steam review code sent to Hard Drive by Cricket’s PR representative.]

——–

Meanwhile, on the other end of the emotional spectrum, I’ve been killing a lot of people in I Am Your Beast.

I needed something fast and snacky, and that’s IAYB: a parkour FPS where every stage is only a couple of minutes long. It’s an elaborate carnival of bespoke violence that rewards you for creative kills, quick decisions, and never slowing down.

You play IAYB as Alphonse Harding, a government assassin who retired to a quiet life in an unnamed forest. When his former commanding officer Burkin sends a couple of goons to retrieve Harding for what would be his sixth “one last job,” Harding has a moment of weakness and kills them both. Burkin does not accept that as an answer, and the situation rapidly degenerates into an all-out war between Harding and his former agency.

When you write out its premise like that, it makes IAYB sound like it’s an intense, desperate stealth game in the spirit of Metal Gear Solid. It isn’t. Harding vs. an actual army is an even fight, as Harding is a superhuman monster who can punch heads off, ignore multi-story falls, and run at full speed across telephone lines. I kept expecting a story beat about how Burkin wanted his nanomachines back, but one did not materialize; Harding’s apparently just cool like that.

As a result, IAYB could be usefully described as Tom Clancy’s Friday the 13th. Every stage opens with you emerging from hiding to lay waste to another squad of hapless soldiers with whatever you can get your hands on. If you die, it’s more likely that you screwed up than that the soldiers were actually able to kill you.

Your goal is always to accomplish your objectives and escape in as little time as possible, but every soldier you drop along the way gives you a bonus to your final score. This is less about figuring out the most efficient intended path through each level and more about your personal execution, as there’s always room for creativity along the way.

It’s hard to convey how fluidly IAYB moves with still shots; it’s worth watching its trailer to see it in action. Its graphics are relatively simple; every soldier is the same anonymous goon in cold-weather gear, and every piece of dialogue is plain text against a still image. That’s all in service of emphasizing the raw speed at the heart of the experience. IAYB has been stripped down to its barest elements, in a way that’s vaguely reminiscent of Harding himself. It’s simple, but it works.

I do want to draw a straight line between this and last year’s El Paso, Elsewhere. Both it and IAYB were written by Xalavier Nelson Jr., who also voices both games’ protagonists, and he’s given them both the same sense of humor. Both Harding and James Savage are so anesthetized – Harding by his experiences, Savage by actual drugs – that the best reaction they can muster to anything is usually a little ultra-dry quip. I still got a chuckle out of a couple of moments in IAYB, but after clearing El Paso, I had a distinct sensation of deja vu.

In more germane commentary, it’d be nice if IAYB was a little more precise. It feels like the developers added in some generous auto-aim to compensate for fiddly physics, as every once in a while, I found myself scoring clean headshots against distant targets with no effort whatsoever.

That didn’t translate to some of the movement mechanics, especially Harding’s stomp, where you can take out a grounded target by landing on their head. There are a couple of stages where your only initial move is to jump off a ledge onto some unsuspecting soldier, and it’s too easy to overshoot them for no particular reason.

It also has a weird gimmick where several stages are gated behind your level rank, so you’ll occasionally have to replay older stages in order to unlock later story missions. It’s not a bad way to train the player to handle some of the tougher challenges in the endgame, but it does create a dissonance between the narrative and the gameplay. In an experience that’s mostly about momentum, IAYB forces you to shift into reverse several times, and it’s never not jarring.

Even so, a blind run through the story campaign takes about 6 hours, if that, and IAYB has the good sense to end before it runs out of ideas. If you’re in the mood to play something that’s fast, accessible, and doesn’t burn an hour on setup before it gets to the good parts, I Am Your Beast has you covered. – Thomas Wilde

[I Am Your Beast, developed by Frosty Pop and published by Strange Scaffold, is now available for $19.99 on Steam. This review was written using a Steam code purchased by Hard Drive.]

Todd Phillips Assures Fans Incel Sensitivity Readers Were Hired for Joker Sequel

HOLLYWOOD — Joker fans across the globe were reassured today after Joker: Folie à Deux’s writer and director Todd Phillips confirmed that incel sensitivity readers were used during production.

“There’s nothing more important than fair and accurate representation,” said known anti-union activist and self-proclaimed director Todd Phillips in a press interview. “Our massive audience of incels sees something in Joker. Identifies with him. As a voluntary incel myself, I knew the only way to accurately portray the character was to recruit a team of sensitivity readers well-versed with this culture.”

“It’s important for us to continue to push boundaries,” Phillips continued. “Right now, Hollywood won’t let you say anything controversial. You have to be opposed to Hitler and want a decent standard of living for everyone if you wanna succeed. Well, not on my set. It’s time to take a stand and give voice to the most oppressed minority of them all: men who hate women.”

Todd Phillips wasn’t the only one to speak about the sequel’s direction. Many of the sensitivity readers were happy to speak out about their experience on the film.

“It’s been an honor working on the sequel,” said sensitivity reader Robert Cane. “As much as I’d enjoyed the first film, I had some criticisms. Like the abundance of minorities and how that Sophie chick didn’t immediately sleep with Arthur, even though he clearly deserved it. That was really offensive to the community. But Todd’s looking to make amends,” Cane continued. “He’s already agreed to several important changes, like cutting out any female dialogue that isn’t laughing at Arthur’s jokes, and promising a minimum 80/20 wage-gap split in favor of male cast members. It’s taken until 2024, but finally, men around the world have a film made in their best interests.”

However, amid the praise, concerns have been raised. Some sections of the incel community are worried about Phillips’ ability to continue the Joker franchise.

“Nothing against Todd of course,” said comic book writer and inadvertent gay rights defender Chuck Dixon. “He did a fine job with Joker. If it weren’t for the Hangover 2, I’d be fully on-board with a Phillips sequel. Yet if the past is anything to go by, there’s just no guarantee he’s got what it takes. I mean what was with his insistence on showing us that Asian guy’s dong?”

At press time, Todd Phillips was ushered off stage after breaking down into tears, claiming he was a “nice guy.”

No, Actually, You *Do* Have to Be Transgender in Dragon Age. Put on the Socks

The year is 2024. Humanity has fallen. A semi-niche fantasy RPG with dragons and magic includes minority groups I personally dislike.

Clearly, the world has come to an end before my very eyes.

As I write this, from my secured apartment bunker in an undisclosed location right next to a cute little corner store still untainted by the forces of Woke, I hear banging at my front door.

“SELECT THE OPTION!” I hear them yell, as the Mad Mew Mew battering ram slams into my door. “SET YOUR GENDER OPTION TO NONBINARY, NOW!”

I clutch my Macbook, burning my hands as it struggles to run my stolen early copy of Dragon Age: The Veilguard. I don’t even like Dragon Age, but alas, for the forces of Facts and Logic, I must play. I must look. I have to.

I won’t relent. I may only have a 6th grade education, but God damn it, I know that boys don’t have boobies, and girls don’t fart. The transgender horde can’t convince me otherwise.

How could they? How could this game I don’t really care about lay down their morals? It’s a medieval setting! They can’t do complicated surgeries! Their magic doesn’t let them! It’s just not historically accurate!

My door comes down with a slam. The Woke Mob with their pronoun pins and blue hair, grab me by the shoulders, claiming my suffering laptop. “No!” I yell. “You can’t do this! The franchise’s integrity—”

I’m cut off by what appears to be their terrifying leader, a towering, glass-eyed shark-thing, fins plush even as the ‘IKEA BLAHÄJ’ tag scrapes my cheek. “Shh, we have you now. Put on the thigh-highs, and you will be spared.”

I thrash and scream as the socks are put on. Cheap, striped, straight off Amazon, another company bent to the will of the Left. I feel my will fading. I black out.

When I come to, alone in my suspiciously pristine apartment, I look down to find my Macbook in my lap, Veilguard open. To my horror, my untouched character now has *horrific* top surgery scars. I gasp in shock at the tiny, barely visible lines below my character’s chest. I can’t remove them — that would mean they’ve won.

Sobbing, I curl up on the floor, writing a tweet and sending it as tears stream down my face.

“They transed me. They fucking transed me.”

Concussed Korok No Longer Covered Under Great Deku Tree’s Health Insurance

The Lost Woods – After having a large rock dropped on his head by a deranged silent lunatic, a local Korok was shocked to learn that he is no longer covered under the Great Deku Tree’s health insurance.

“I was just minding my business, hiding from my buddy Hestu, and this blonde kid uprooted the rock I was under. After realizing he wasn’t Hestu I tried to reason with him, giving him my one and only possession, he took it and still clonked me on the head!” said the small woodland creature sporting a large head bandage, “After describing my assailant to law enforcement they told me the one person who matched my description died 100 years ago, can you believe this?”

The Koroks, who are children of the forest, protected by the Great Deku Tree, are typically covered under a lucrative health insurance policy complete with great benefits and a low copay.

“I have no idea how this coverage plan could have lapsed,” said the Great Deku Tree, stoically sitting where he has for the last 10,000 years. “I guess I have been pretty busy watching over this sword that seals the darkness, and then there’s the whole Calamity Ganon thing people are freaking out about, maybe I just spaced on that one payment, I do have over 900 children after all, you try keeping all those insurance records straight.”

Dr. Omar Ellixson, a Hyrulian health care practitioner, is one of the few Hylians who can see the species of little wooden people, making him the sole Korok medical professional this side of Death Mountain.

“It’s an extremely busy practice,” said Dr. Ellixson in between patients. “Some of these little guys have been living under a rock for decades, overdue on vaccinations and routine medical checks. I wish we could provide affordable healthcare to all the species of Hyrule, but the greedy capitalists in Hyrule Castle would rather squeeze every last rupee out of the little guy.”

At press time, the poor concussed Korok has had to join the Hestu Dancers just to afford his skyrocketing medical bills.

Zelda Only Paid 20 Green Rupees for Every Purple Rupee Link Was Paid

HYRULE — In the wake of Princess Zelda finally starring in her own adventure, it’s come out that her salary for the project was the equivalent of 20 green rupees for every purple rupee Link was paid despite him taking a back seat this time.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous honestly. Zelda works just as hard as Link. More actually because she actually speaks,” said Zelda’s advisor Impa. “Not only was she paid less than what Link gets paid for his adventures but she was paid less than what Link was for this adventure. The Princess was more than happy to accept the salary because she just wants to make sure that girls finally have an adventure for them but I won’t be as nice about it. It’s one thing when she’s just a supporting character but she’s saving him this time, why is Link still making more? She can barely buy a pack of bombs with this salary.”

Rauru, one of the seven sages, was quick to defend giving Zelda a smaller wage than Link.

“Look, it has nothing to do with her gender, it’s just economics. When it comes to these adventures, people come for Link, he’s a known draw so he gets paid accordingly regardless of how much more work Zelda does or the fact that she’s the star of this one and he’s barely in it. When people hear The Legend of Zelda, they want to hear about one of Link’s many legendary adventures, it’s a risk just having a Legend of Zelda be about Zelda. Boys think that’s icky. Also she’s a nepo baby, she’s fine regardless of what we pay her.”

For his part, Link was very supportive of Zelda getting paid more for her work.

“…..” said the Hero of Hyrule before giving an enthusiastic thumbs up when asked if Zelda should get a higher salary.

At press time, Zelda was reportedly breaking into homes and smashing pots to increase her earnings.

Majority of Millennials Agree Playing Mass Effect 3 Prepared Them For Life Choices To Be Mostly Irrelevant

NEW YORK  – What do saving the Ranchini Queen in Mass Effect and majoring in communications have in common? Both have little to no impact in the grand scheme of things according to new research. 

A Nielsen Media Research survey exploring the connections between gaming and hopelessness found that 99% of millennials who played Mass Effect 3 reported being less surprised by most of their decisions being irrelevant later in life. Brenda Mahoney, Head of Gaming Research with Nielsen, broke down their findings in a press conference at Nielsen headquarters earlier this week.

“In our response pool of over 25,000 millennials, we found that those struggling with finances, work-life balance, or family matters had an easier time accepting how pointless their choices were if they completed Mass Effect 3 in its entirety,” lamented Mahoney, a late-millennial herself. “If something as big as curing the Genophage and restoring the Krogan race meant so little, who gives a crap who you marry or have kids with, am I right? In the grand scheme of things, your choices just do not matter. That’s a pill a majority of millennials are finding easier to swallow these days, thanks in part to playing Mass Effect 3.”

Researchers at Nielsen were dumbfounded by just how universal these findings were. No matter the respondent’s sex, gender, socioeconomic background, or side they took in the console wars, Mass Effect 3 was continuously cited as a major factor in hopelessness. Mahoney continued the press conference, breaking down the methods used in the survey.

“We simply asked millennials when they gave up hope. The prompt asked for a year, but respondents opted to type in video games instead,” Mahoney said, pointing at a pie chart mostly made up of Mass Effect 3 responses. “We also found that gamers who gave up hope as a result of playing Mass Effect 3 were more likely to engage in questionable behavior like enrolling in graduate school, racking up credit card debt, or playing Destiny 2.”

It’s not all doom and gloom out there though. Mahoney wrapped up the press conference by discussing ways millennials can combat that general feeling of hopelessness.

“You can die,” Mahoney said sternly. “If that’s not an option you can always replay Baldur’s Gate 3.”

At press time Mahoney had retired to her office for the day to replay the Garden of Salvation raid in Destiny 2.

“Hey! Oh! Come on?! Whaz a Matta Wit You?! Ah?! Whoa!” Our Review of The Penguin

Alright hey howz it going. My name is Salvatore Del Smuccio I’m from Brooklyn, OBVIOUSLY, and I’m here to review this here new Penguin show on HBO Max or whatever the heck it’s called nowadays. I’ve watched every episode of this thing and I gots lots to say and I think you’ll find all of my thoughts on the matter well researched and insightful.

Oh! Whoa! Hey what’s going on here? We gotta bang bang right away and then bada bing this fat son of a gun is dumping a body and shooting at a bunch of kids! Whoa! Oh no no no. That’s not a what mama taught me. No sir, this here Penguin is one bad Goombah and now he’s gotta little goombah driving him around whoa!

Aye What da hell is this show? Come on?! What are ya even showing me?! What the hell is the matta wit you, come on now? What do I look like? Where’s the gabagool at? I can’t watch this no more! What would my mama say?!

Oh! Whoa! No! Waz he doin’ now would ya look at that?! This Penguin oh my god! Come on! Come on!?! You gotta be kidding me! Whoa oh oh Whooooaaaaa! What’s a goin’ on here now this guy is one dirty son of a focaccia, Oh!

Whoa! No! I Know he not gonna do this! Don’t do it you bad bambino I swear to god if you do it Oh no! Oh he did it the big broccolin did it. Oh Penguin you fat son of a gun wazza mara you? Where’s the respect, Oh! He ain’t no piasano I’d share a gabagool with. No no no.

Oh Whoa whoa whoa! No no no! Ah Penguin you fat dirty rat oh no. What is this? No I can’t keep doin this with you Penquin. Oh! Where’s the Batman when ya need him. Gotta come get this evil son of a pepperoni. I can’t stand this goomba! Ah! Turn it off Lucia!

Wha?! Whoa! No oh oh! Waz goin on now? No no no no! This guy right here. What are we doin here come on. I mean what are we doin here!?!?! What is this supposed to be? No oh oh oh whoa whoa oh!

Ho oh oh! Whaz this here? No not his mama. Oh no. Oz what are ya doin’ here. Come on now! Whoa!?! Not that! Oh no no no. No more please. What is this here, oh whoa! Ah! Oh he made his face look like a pile of ol gabagool oh no! Whoa!

Alright then. That there was all my thoughts on the penguin show. Guy seems like a big bad galoomba who ain’t worth nothin’ but hey that’s just me. I guess ah 4 out of 5 stars and Colin Feral was uh pretty good. I’d share a slice with ‘im. But not that dirty fat penguin! Whoa!

Experts Say Young People Should Learn to Code so They Can Get a Job 10 Years Ago

NEW YORK — A recent poll of experts showed broad consensus that learning to code is the easiest way for Americans to remain competitive while trying to get a job in 2014.

“It has never been a better time for people with a degree in coding and also a time machine,” says Jack Riggs, founder of a coding bootcamp that made $20 million last year. “I always recommend people learn to code. Then I tell them to watch ‘Orange Is The New Black’ and buy a Wii U. Coding is an essential life skill, like doing math or churning your own butter. Plus, coding teaches people how to toil away in obscurity; and there are always new roles that require people to toil.” 

Similar sentiments were echoed by from Sheina Wang, a former HR professional who runs a staffing agency in Manhattan’s Upper East Side.  

“If you can choose any career, I’d recommend ‘NBA Player’ or ‘Influencers With A Famous Ass’, but learning to code is good too,” Wang explained. “Companies always need code – this is why they spent so much time teaching computers to write it for them. And, compared to 2014, the job market in 2024 is much broader and more diverse. And by diverse, we mean it’s mostly being done by cheap overseas workers and robots.”

MIT Professor David Tinsdale believes that concerns over automation may be overstated. 

“Artificial Intelligence can already beat most programmers in their three major skill-sets: writing code, automating repetitive tasks, and lying about their level of knowledge,” the Professor claims. “However, that doesn’t mean it will eliminate programming jobs. It’s just going to  the nature of the work programmers do. For instance: previously, programmers spent most of their days fixing errors and writing boilerplate code. In the future, they’ll have new responsibilities – like driving an uber or filming homemade pornography.”

At press time, Riggs advised today’s youth to pay $20,000 for an unaccredited certificate in PHP and figure out the time travel part later.

Every Kirby Character Ranked by How Upset They Would Be After Learning About the Irreversible Effects of Climate Change

Ah yes, the Planet Popstar. The friendly, backwater planet that somehow looks like a giant yellow star from space while simultaneously having multiple natural biomes that also appear on earth. Never mind all that, though; the important thing to know is that although menaces such as the greedy King Dedede, the violent Meta Knight and the psychotic Marx may threaten the land, Popstar’s greatest warrior, Kirby will always prevail and ensure that the sovereign nation of Dream Land remains a peaceful and happy place. 

Or so it will be, until the carbon emissions emitted by such sources of pollution as the the Haltmann Works Company and the Burning, Churning Power Plant overwhelm the ozone layer and increase the planet’s overall global temperatures by more than two degrees Celsius by the year 2040. It is a fate that awaits all industrialized planets, and not even magical lollipops that make you temporarily invincible will be enough to save you from the heat death of the universe. 

Which begs the question: How will the people of Popstar respond upon hearing about their doomed futures? Will they rise to action? Break down and develop chronic mental disorders? Forsake their home and peace out to Halcandra with all of the planet’s more privileged residents? Here are the official scientific results for how emotionally impacted Dream Land’s most notable residents will be after receiving the devastating news that an imminent climate disaster will remove the ability for 99% of sentient life to subsist on their home planet.

32. Gordo

If we were to approach Gordo with news of world-ending climate disasters, thousands losing their homes to increasingly powerful hurricanes and floods, and the loss of wildlife itself, we imagine that Gordo would simply stare at us with their deep, piercing blue eyes. There we would find the truth: That at the beginning and ending of all things, Gordo remains. Gordo feels no pain. Gordo knows no end; no apocalypse is too drastic to be more than a blink in the eyes of Gordo. Gordo is only Gordo, and that’s all that needs to be known. They also love NASCAR races too much to start giving a shit now, but it’s mainly the eternal, omnipresent being thing.

31. Magolor

Once Magolor knows about the impending climate change disaster coming to Popstar, he will kick his plans of universal domination into high gear by conquering some other nearby planet (possibly Halcandra again?) and making it a viable home for vulnerable climate refugees. From there, it would be a simple matter to exploit all of his new immigrants into underpaid labor and allow him to build a new spaceship so he could take over even more planets. The worst part is that he would have that intrepid, cheerfully polite manner about him the entire time, even though everyone would know how morally corrupt he truly was, and how he was weaponizing a terrible atrocity to his benefit. High five, low five and all that!

30. Burning Leo

For the longest time, Burning Leo has cracked this great joke at parties about how great it would be for him if he got to watch the world burn. Now that it’s an imminent reality, all of Leo’s friends are realizing that he was really, REALLY not joking.

29. Gooey

You might assume that your best pal Gooey wouldn’t be upset about climate change because he’s made of dark matter and therefore would be completely unaffected, but he’s actually just one of those hardcore libertarians who fervently denies that climate change is real. Sheesh. You think you know a guy, right?

28. Marx

Marx is actually a diagnosed sociopath, so he doesn’t really care about any harm that may befall others, but he will donate a modest sum of money to the cause if enough people subscribe to him on Twitch by the end of the week. The precise wording of the pledge will allow him to covertly donate the money to a major oil-drilling company, which he will find hilarious.

27. Broom Hatter

Broom Hatter just wants to sweep. It doesn’t matter if they’re sweeping dust, people, or the ashes of every incinerated forest and vegetative species on the planet; if Broom Hatter’s sweeping, they’re happy. 

26. Kracko

Kracko is literally a cloud, so even though he might go through some pretty severe mood swings due to the rapidly changing weather, he’ll probably be fine. He’ll be kind of a dick about it when his friends talk about global warming too. “Wow, this climate change thing must be really hard for all of you guys since you like, actually have to rely on regulated temperatures and stable global conditions to survive. I feel for you, but I just can’t bring myself to pitch in and help out when I have all this weather stuff keeping me busy!” Fuck off, Kracko.

25. Scarfy

Scarfy is also a climate change denier, but he’s not as open about it as Gooey. His cutesy orange look has a strictly “apolitical stance” on all issues, so you really have to spend a lot of time with him to see his ugly side. It’s really hard to stay friends with him after you hear all of his wild conspiracy theories that honestly have messed him up more than anything in actual reality ever could, which is quite the bar to clear. After you’re done hanging out with him, you’ll probably feel like, “You know what? Maybe climate change isn’t so bad after all.” It’s far better than what he’s been saying about what kind of experiments they’ve been performing on Bronto Burts in the Halberd, that’s for sure.

24. Leongar

Leongar is one of those gym rats who believes that nothing can kill him if he benches enough weight and consumes enough raw protein powder. When we warn him about climate change, he’ll probably scoff, jump on a motorcycle with no muffler, and continue ruling over his pack of beasts. Ironically, the beast pack will get wiped out as soon as their primary prey goes extinct from the severe droughts that will have swept over the Originull Wasteland by 2035. But hey, keep hitting those squats buddy, you’re doing great.

23. Poppy Bros. Jr.

Climate change will topple the supply chain and make it much harder for Poppy Bros. Jr. to get his hands on gunpowder, which he’ll be furious about because he loves his explosives, but come on. This guy’s hobby is blowing shit up, including your face. You really think a little world-ending disaster is going to get to him? He’ll have that gleeful grin on his face until the day you die, and you should really just accept that instead of trying to fix him.

22. Meta Knight

Meta Knight will mainly be upset about the climate change news because it will put newfound pressure on him to decarbonize the Halberd, which is his pride and joy. He’ll ultimately just greenwash by claiming that his donations to various environmental nonprofits make his ship carbon neutral, with no scientific evidence to back the numbers up, so it won’t really impact him much in the end. Still, he’ll whine a lot about how he’s getting villainized by the woke mob. It’s very hard being a rogue, edgy knight who owns an entire ship and doesn’t even have to work, you know.

21. Waddle Doo

Waddle Doo will get very confused about the whole climate thing and ask a bunch of questions about it, but will never fully understand just how bad it is. He’ll retain the fact that all of the Driblees will go extinct, and be pretty sad about that, but that’s basically as far as he’ll ever get, and won’t dwell on it much. To be fair, if I could emit magic spells from my eyeball, I wouldn’t really worry about climate change either.

20. Yin Yarn

Initially, Yin Yarn will see the death of the organic, natural world as a great opportunity to make a case for turning everything into yarn, because that tends to be what Yin Yarn thinks about most of the time. His momentum will inevitably fizzle out once everyone remembers that the rapidly spreading wildfires will set all the yarn aflame, and Yin Yarn always gets, like, SUPER depressed when his newest plan to turn everything into yarn goes awry. He really needs to get a hobby.

19. Elfilin

Elfilin’s species is kinda like the white-tailed deer of the Popstar ecosystem; urbanization and climate change will actually help him more than hurt him, and make the lives of his family a whole lot easier as the beast pack begins to die out. He’ll still see the direness of the situation and donate some money to the cause, but like, not that much money.

18. Cappy

Cappy’s newfound fear of climate change will be vastly overshadowed by his fear of getting his mushroom cap sucked off his head yet again. It’s happened so many times that he really doesn’t have a mind for much else. He goes to therapy twice a day for it; it’s really a chronic trauma, and we’re worried for him. 

17. Dark Matter

As soon as Dark Matter hears about climate change, he’s going to rebrand entirely to start showing off how he is one with nature or something. It’s an ostensibly important cause to him, but he’s really kind of an asshole about it, and we suspect that all of this may be a ploy for him to seem really cool and edgy in a more modern and relevant way, but we can’t exactly prove that he doesn’t really care deeply about this cause.

16. Knuckle Joe

It’s not that Knuckle Joe doesn’t care about climate change, it’s just that he has a lot of other causes that he’s prioritized throughout his life and he wants to keep on focusing on those. If he really dwelled on it, he would realize that he finally encountered an issue that he couldn’t punch his way through, and that might be a bit too much for him. He will start adjusting to a vegan diet at least, and he won’t even make a big thing out of it.

15. Adeleine

Adeleine will start adjusting to a vegan diet, and she will make a huge thing out of it. She will talk nonstop about how hard it’s been for her, mentioning how “interesting” it is that Kirby still eats meat considering the carbon cost, and gushing about how much she loves almond milk lattes. She will continue to fly down to the Float Islands every winter and buy coats made from Gaw Gaw fur, but she is so concerned for the planet she loves so much, and she’s definitely going to make a painting about “all this.”

14. Sir Kibble

Sir Kibble has the mind of someone from the middle ages, and he has no discernable idea what this “science” is, let alone climate change. However, if you’re concerned about it, he’s concerned about it too. He’ll try to get you equipped for the battle in a lot of very unhelpful and outdated ways, but his heart is in the right place.

13. Nightmare

Nightmare is one of those weirdos who is profusely against any and all human rights or equity in society while also being fiercely passionate about addressing environmental issues. He’s basically the Teddy Roosevelt of Dream Land, if that makes sense; he’ll turn The Big Forest and a whole lot of other natural beauties into national monuments and parks, which is great and all, but then he’ll feel like he solved all of the problems for himself, and he won’t really be broken up over the whole thing anymore. 

12. Chef Kawasaki

Chef Kawasaki will be pretty depressed about climate change, but he’s going to fall into his own cooking pot and get turned into a fresh-baked apple pie like three days after we tell him about it, so it’ll fall from his mind pretty quickly. Unfortunate that we lose him when we do; he would have been one of the most reliable food sources since he could just turn literally anything edible with that magical cooking pot. Rest in peace, Chef Kawasaki. We’ll never forget you.

11. King Dedede

Most sovereign entities would not be affected at all by the early impacts of climate change, but King Dedede is a penguin, and he knows what’s about to go down. Looking truly noble is very important to him, but he does stash a ton of ice packs underneath his royal garb to stay cool at all times, and now he’ll have to replace those even more often with the rising temperatures to ensure that none of his subjects mistake the melting ice for sweat. Royalty does not sweat! He’ll also be really, really upset once his farmer’s crops begin to fail, and his gourmet diet begins to go down the drain. Like I don’t know what this man is going to do without his food, straight up.

10. Lololo & Lalala

Lololo & Lalala push blocks around in Dedede’s castle for a living, so their immediate job security and protection from the impending heat is pretty stable. With that being said, Dedede’s subjects consider them to be two of “the good ones”, because they usually look out for them, and they’ll definitely be concerned for their people. They’re all about taking action and not letting their thoughts get to them, so the worst of their climate anxiety will be held at bay until a hurricane lifts one of the boxes full of donated food that Lololo is pushing and tragically hurls it into him three times. That’s when things will start to get really dark for Lalala.

9. Bonkers

After Bonkers learns about climate change, he’ll likely just start smoking a lot more weed and complaining about late-stage capitalism without actually doing anything about it. His closest friends will know that he’s really not taking the news well, but he’ll never open up about it and instead just keep pushing them away. He should probably go to therapy, but he won’t.

8. The Animal Friends

Rick, Kine and Coo will actually co-found the first environmental nonprofit to combat climate change. While the fear and dread they have regarding their planet’s future will be substantial, those feelings will quickly be overshadowed by a far worse nightmare: Managing and funding projects for a nonprofit organization.

7. Blade Knight

Blade Knight will have a really hard time getting out of the house after he’s hit with the news, especially since he’s a ways out of Dream Land and has to drive everywhere. He’ll feel a profound level of guilt whenever he takes a shower, commutes to work, or leaves the bathroom light on overnight, and that guilt will paralyze him on a daily basis. But hey, when Kirby eats him, he sort of looks like Link from The Legend of Zelda! Isn’t that a fun little easter egg?

6. Bandana Waddle Dee

Bandana Waddle Dee always represents and speaks for the people, and he will lead several marches on oil and gas companies and billionaires’ properties to exercise his free speech and argue for action to be taken in favor of environmental justice. Deep down, Bandana Waddle Dee is tired and sad about the state of his world, but more than anything, he is angry. He picked up a spear to fight against a tyrannical alien colonizer thirteen years ago, and he refuses to stop fighting now. I hope that I can be more like Bandana Waddle Dee, someday.

5. Kirby

You know how Kirby always looks angry on the box art for all of his North American releases, whereas he always looks really happy in all of the Japanese art? You might think it’s just a strange marketing decision that Nintendo made, but Kirby is actually just pissed about North America’s meager response to the 21st century climate emergency. Expect Kirby to bring that exact same energy to Dream Land if Dedede and all the other people in power don’t get their shit together.

4. Waddle Dee

In the face of every disaster, who must be the first to march forth and fight? That’s right: Waddle Dee. Waddle Dee is ostensibly loyal, laid back, and lazy, but after knowing the next crisis that they’ll be put up against by their cowardly king, those black beady eyes will stay wide open every night, knowing that no parasol could possibly grant them safety from the storm that’s coming. 

3. Chilly

We don’t really need to explain this to you, do we? Our only consolation to Chilly is that at least his death will be quick. It definitely will NOT be painless, though.

2. Bugzzy

Bugzzy’s species will be among the first to go extinct after climate change overtakes Dream Land, so you can bet he’s going to be scarred for life from this chain of events. 

Whenever he tries to suplex foes from this point on, he’ll just stop at hugging them and then beg them to never let him go. All of his wrestling fans are going to feel tremendously awkward about watching this happen in the ring, that’s for sure.

1. Whispy Woods

Whispy Woods cries every time he gets beaten up, so we can only imagine how upset he’s going to be as more and more of the forests in Dream Land burn to the ground. If we had to guess, he’ll probably end up in some preserved land trust and basically just cry out all of the water he gets through his roots, and then cry some more. We look forward to crying with him.

Henchman Who Is Only Working for Penguin Until His Art Career Takes Off Gets Painting Hand Shattered by Batman

GOTHAM — Rising artist and Iceberg Lounge bouncer Jeff Williams saw his career fall apart last night after an altercation with Batman.

“It’s standard policy. I’m not supposed to let anyone in unless they provide an ID and proper dress code. He obviously had neither. When I told him he couldn’t just walk in here he squeezed my hand into pieces,” Williams stated. “I’ve rarely ever met Mr. Cobblepot let alone know what he’s doing. Gotham ain’t exactly affordable for rent not to mention all my student loans from art school. There’s not exactly a lot of work out there that can help pay for those. I was really hoping to do this for a short time until my paintings sold more.”

Williams’ art dealer Wendy Marigold said she was very saddened by the news.

“He was one of the best in Gotham when it came to hyperrealistic portraits of people,” Ms. Marigold bemoaned. “He once created this beautiful painting of various actors dressed like the Joker sitting around a table playing poker together. Dark to paint people like Jack Nicoholson, Jared Leto, and Heath Ledger to look like the most notorious serial killer in the city, but I think it really said a lot about society and our idolization of criminals. Of course, it got destroyed right after it was auctioned off at a charity gala because some new criminal was trying to make a name for themself. Batman swooped in with his grappling hook and bashed the thug over the head with the painting. Still, the guy had a future in art.” 

Williams’ orthopedic surgeon Dr. Phil Langes noted that there isn’t a lot of hope for the artist’s future.

“The X-rays showed irreversible damage to his metacarpus, scaphoid, and every phalanx,” Dr. Langes explained. “It will take years of physical therapy for him to properly hold a paintbrush again. He could try teaching himself to paint with his other hand, but I doubt he’ll ever reach the level of skill he was at before. He’d be better off incorporating this into his tragic backstory and trying to make it as a supervillain.”

Jeff Williams is currently applying for disability while things work out. His claim is delayed, as his employer Oswaldt Cobblepot is currently missing.

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