20 Scathing Critiques I Have of the Barbie Movie

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

By now you’ve certainly heard the news: I, Ben Shapiro, 42-inch person and legend of misunderstanding popular things, did not enjoy the Barbie film. In case you haven’t seen my eloquent and not-at-all-embarrassing reaction video on YouTube, here are but a few of the reasons I found this movie to be insulting and worthless. 

1. There was singing

I’m sorry, but if you have something you want me to get from what you’re saying, don’t sing it to me. Singing only makes you sound non-intellectual. Tell me about the hills being alive with the sound of music like a reasonable person, and we can debate the matter further if necessary. 

2. No lessons on female anatomy 

The Hollywood fat cats once again blew what would’ve been a golden opportunity to help some of its more confused adult viewers understand just what the heck is going on with female bodies. Alas, this “film” only gave me more questions about my wife’s baffling anatomy.

3. No refills on kiddie sized popcorn

They told me they only did free refills on a large popcorn. Well, let’s just say hypothetically I really wanted to enjoy some popcorn and receive a complimentary Barbie toy and Airhead candy? Certainly the Kiddie Combo would be the most logical course of action, no?  I eventually wore everyone at the concession stand down, but I’m not sure why it was even an issue in the first place. 

4. Insides felt funny whenever I saw Ryan Gosling

Warner Brothers, Mattel, and Greta Gerwig have clearly conspired with the Deep State to add elements of mind control and emotional manipulation to Barbie in an effort to brainwash the children that see it. How else to explain the inexplicable fluttery feeling in my abdomen every time the Ken character showed up on screen?

5. No intermission 

If you’re anything like me, you generally have a bunch of soda or barbecue sauce all over your fingers about 45 minutes into a movie. How are we supposed to scrawl in our notebooks with sticky hands, Hollywood?

6. My wife enjoyed it

If I can’t please my wife, why does Hollywood get to?!

7. Was asked to remove my assault weapons and body armor

I arrived to the cinema armed to the teeth, same as if I were getting Subway or picking my kid up from ice skating lessons. But for some reason, the woke SJW’s at the AMC told me I wasn’t allowed to stand up for my rights if they involved walking around the mall looking like a SWAT team member. This country is dead.

8. Many characters over 5’2″

So much for realism in movies, I guess!

9. Crowded theater

The screening I saw was so full of immature, entitled brats mouthing off every time they had half-formed thoughts that I was hardly able to focus on my own immature, entitled, half-formed thoughts.

10. I was told there would be no Ken doll character

When I botched my Barbie audition, they told me that they probably weren’t even going to use the Ken character, and that it was okay I did so poorly. I realize in hindsight those casting directors were all just trying to get me to stop crying. It didn’t work, you idiots!

11. No one in theater would explain confusing parts to me

I kept getting very lost in the plot (Not my fault, that is on Greta), and no one, no one, in the theater would explain to me the things I was confused by. The Barbie movie I am currently working on with Gina Carano and Scott Baio will be much easier to understand, I assure you.

12. Similar to everything I dislike, it is woke

I noticed a little bit of wokeness on my way into the theater and decided to let it go (handicapped parking spots), but then in the lobby I noticed there were all kinds of ads for movies that weren’t Sound of Freedom. Um, okay, communist state, anyone? Wokeness is everywhere and it is ruining our culture! I also followed a girl with short hair into the ladies bathroom too, but it turned out she was not a trans child. Just had to be sure nothing weird was going on.

13. The theater man yelled at me 

On my way out, I opened the door to the Insidious theater just to peek at it for a second. Just a second! My wife doesn’t let me watch scary stuff like that, so I was just a little curious what was going on in there. An usher yelled at me and told me I needed a ticket. He was so mean. I can see why my wife doesn’t let me watch these movies.

14. Free handouts of other movies

Before the film started, I was shocked to see small clips of other upcoming theatrical movies being shown to us like filthy freeloaders for absolutely free. I did not ask for this handout, and I could not find anyone in the lobby that would accept my money for this handout. I apologize to any of my fans that expect more out of me.

15. Someone kept throwing ice cubes at me

While this isn’t technically Barbie or Greta Gerwig’s fault, this certainly took away from my enjoyment of this lousy movie.

16. Has black characters

Uh, excuse me? The movie was called Barbie, right? Not Barbie and Friends, Including a Black One I Will Disproportionately Focus On!

17. No scenes where a special boy named Ben saves the day with a bright idea or by lifting something heavy

If you’ve studied screenwriting as extensively as I have, you’d know that you need a scene like this to make sure your viewers haven’t stopped paying attention. The character doesn’t necessarily have to be named Ben, either. Could be Benjamin, Benny, or B.S. Wait, not that last one!

18. I was surrounded by happy people

The atmosphere of the crowded theater really dampened the cynical review I had set out to write. You know how sometimes movie theaters will have special screenings of movies for parents to bring their cranky young children to? Could we maybe do that for all the cranky scolds that would like to contribute to a film’s record breaking opening weekend while furiously scribbling notes for their 45 minute YouTube reaction video? I would like it if my hate-dollars were registered as such. 

19. No monsters

Frankly, if there are no monsters in a movie, I tend to get a little bored. I think we all do. Every movie needs at least one monster scene. The children around me in the theater disagreed and asked me to be quiet, but everyone else around us could tell I won the debate. 

20. It was over too soon 

At just an hour and 54 minutes, Greta Gerwig’s insulting screed against masculinity feels like it ends at least a half hour before it should. I wanted more Barbie! To uh, hate.

Enter the Dark Side: These Are the 7 Worst Star Wars Games Ever Made

Posted on by Tiago Manuel

We have to thank LucasArts for some of the best movie-adjacent games with their foray into the Star Wars expanded universe during the ’90s and early ’00s. Still, the dark side is real, meaning that they also directly made or allowed for the creation of some Holiday Special-tier video game crap. Here are the 7 worst Star Wars games ever made.

 #7 — Star Wars Racer: Revenge (of the Sebulba)

This one isn’t even that bad, just really weird. It stars Sebulba, the scummy murderous podracing ex-champion from Episode 1. That’s messed-up, but let he who didn’t call bullshit on Qui Gon Jinn just letting slavery happen in front of his face cast the first stone.

Weaknesses: It doesn’t have the mystique of the first one, and that’s saying a lot since it we’re talking about a game based on Episode 1 that starred kid Anakin.

 Strengths: It’s actually pretty decent, gameplay-wise.

 #6 — Star Wars Rogue Squadron III: Rebel Strike

Rebel Strike is the sequel to Rogue Leader, the best space Star Wars game ever made. The only people who disagree with that assessment are the Sith and the people who never got to play it because they refused to get a GameCube, the only platform where it’s available.

How did they follow up on that? By, ugh, dramatically reducing the amount of space shooting and having players walk around on foot with a blaster on hand. Imagine like a Starfox game doing that. How ridiculous.

fake editor’s note: a deeper dive into the history of the GameCube reveals that they also did that with Starfox and it also sucked ass and killed the series up until now.

Strengths: The space levels are good

Weaknesses: Few space levels

 #5 — Star Wars: Force Unleashed 2

Hey, remember the original Force Unleashed? The game that made up an apprentice of Darth Vader who seemingly used a glowstick instead of a lightsaber and had us repeatedly hitting enemies with it instead of allowing us to just cut them up? Yeah, this series invented lightsabers that somehow just aren’t fun. Force Unleashed 2 is even more of that bullshit but worse because its development was rushed and resulted in the release of an unfinished mess.

Weaknesses: The biggest addition it made to the bloated and unfun gameplay of the original was a bunch of glitches.

 Strengths: It doesn’t feel all that absurdly fan-fiction-y when compared to the newest non-Andor Star Wars TV shows.

 #4 — Star Wars Episode 1

Episode 1’s game sucks because it features a locked camera angle that points down and seemingly tasks players with using real-life force powers they don’t possess to guess what’s in front of them. What was behind this decision? Did they end up with a mediocre game that was still much superior to the film it was tied to and thus had to turn it into crap just so they didn’t make the Episode 1 film look even worse?

Weaknesses: The inexplicable camera angle turns an otherwise acceptable game into an unbearable mess.

Strengths: It sucks to play but it’s still more fun to look at than the goddamn movie.

#3 — Star Wars: Obi Wan

It’s easy to say that nobody needed more Obi Wan stuff anyway now that you’ve seen the TV series and it sucked ass, but gamers have known that ever since ‘01 when they made a game based on the supposedly really eventful life of that character. The only reason few people actually know about this game’s existence is because it plays very poorly and for one the people behind it decided to not spending millions promoting it. Thanks!

Weaknesses: It’s a technical mess that clearly relied solely on the character’s nonexistent appeal.

Strengths: It got our expectations so low that we got even more amazed when we got Star Wars Jedi Knight 2: Jedi Outcast, one of the greatest games of all time, just a year later.

#2 — Star Wars Masters Of Teras Kasi

Did you know that between the events of the original Star Wars and Empire, the bad guys sent Arden Lyn, a master of Teras Kasi to beat up Luke Skywalker?

What the hell is even Teras Kasi, you ask? Well, it’s a word in a made up language that translates to Steel Fist. To give you some context, Tekken means Iron Fist, and Steel is cooler than iron, so I believe I have all the evidence necessary to accuse LucasArts of openly trying to make a fighting game better than Tekken. They did not succeed. The only fun you can get out of this game is from seeing the non-surprising result of pitting an unarmed Chewbacca against a lightsaber-yielding Luke Skywalker.

Strengths: The enjoyment you get out of thinking that there was once a time when someone could just have an absolute bullshit idea for a game and then an entire development team and publisher were like “yes, why not?”

Weaknesses: Aside from its ridiculous concept, it’s slow, controls very poorly, and features very few moves. Also, it doesn’t feature any of the untrained and unarmed characters from the prequels.

#1 — Kinect Star Wars

Remember Kinect? If you do, then I hope it’s not because you bought one. Unlike “Teras Kasi,” “Kinect” doesn’t mean shit, but it could be the word used to pinpoint the moment the Xbox 360 went to crap. The only occasion in the history of consoles when a company actually had the edge against Sony, and decided to abandon regular games and focus on motion-controlled camera bullshit that allowed players to barely dance as if they were Darth Vader. Every single game made for Kinect sucks, and Kinect Star Wars, maybe due to the love for Star Wars that still remained in our hearts during 2010, feels like the worst of the bunch.

Strengths: The Kinect is very fun to break with a baseball bat. You can make lightsaber sounds while you swing at it. No one will know, and no one would judge you, anyway.

Weaknesses: You can only break it once.

YouTuber Starting to Think 7-Hour Video Essay Going to Take Longer Than 7 Hours to Produce

Posted on by Mackenzie McGee

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — A YouTuber five hours into producing his new seven hour video is reportedly starting to think he’s going to need a little more time to finish it, sources have confirmed. 

“Oh man, where does the time go,” asked local YouTuber Miles Barr, after researching and writing the script for his newest video, but before shooting, editing, or posting anything. “It’s getting late already and I really thought I’d be almost finished with recording by now, but I just finally got my mic to stop being weird. I’m starting to think I won’t get this 400-minute video up tonight after all like I promised I would in my Discord server. Looks like everyone that responded to me was right.” 

The aforementioned Discord users reportedly were confused by Barr’s intentions to script, produce, record, cut, and upload a seven hour video in more or less seven hours. 

“Even if he was livestreaming something, that would be a hassle,” said Jo Beckwith, who couldn’t remember why she was in Barr’s Discord community . “But no, he thinks he’s going to make a ranking of every single Dragon Quest game and have it done before bed tonight? There’s no way. Especially the way he keeps asking us questions in Discord. I don’t mind helping people out, but he seems way in over his head. That last question he asked was ‘What is stereo? Is it new?’ Honestly, I feel bad for the guy.” 

YouTube executives warned aspiring videographers against having unrealistic expectations regarding the production of successful YouTube content. 

“We don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea,” said Susan Wojcicki. Chief Executive Officer of YouTube. “It takes a lot of work, dedication, and patience to become a successful YouTuber. You don’t just turn on your camera, shoot a seven hour video and upload it. That’s no way to get followers. Oh, unless you’re screaming about gender or children’s bathrooms. Then you can just let it rip. But guys like Miles here would do really well to rethink their approach to creating content for our platform.” 

As of press time, Barr had let everyone know he didn’t think the video would be up until tomorrow morning, possibly the afternoon. 

Nintendo Announces “Super Mario Movie Maker” Since Everyone Thinks They Can Do Better

Posted on by Ben Friedman

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo revealed an unexpected piece of software today, Super Mario Movie Maker, an exciting new game that will give everyone that was so critical of the recent animated film a chance to make their own, seeing as how they’re all so smart, sources confirmed. 

“That sounds amazing,” said local gamer Phil Colbert, who was disappointed with the Super Mario Bros Movie when it released earlier this year. “I love that they’re giving you full control over every aspect of your own Mario movie. You can record yourself doing the voices, and it doesn’t even matter if you sound like Mario or not! And if you can add any obvious soundtrack choice you’d like with just a push of a button! Oh, I can’t wait. I’m gonna make a better movie in like 30 minutes with this thing.” 

Despite the enthusiasm the announcement was largely met with, developers said that players would soon realize the true difficulty they’re signing up for. 

“Finally, players can quit complaining about the Mario movie and make one of their own,” said Yosuke Oshino, director of Super Mario Movie Maker. “Players will be free to choose from good CG, bad CG, hand drawn, or live action, which features the holographic work of Captain Lou Albano. Many players think that these tools alone are all one needs to successfully adapt perhaps the most popular video game of all time in a way that pleases a majority of the fanbase, but brother, they’re just getting started. Be my damn guest if you think you can do it in a way that video game fans will appreciate.” 

As of press time, someone had reminded Yosuke Oshino about Sonic the Hedgehog‘s reception.

Man Canceling Netflix Subscription Tired of Supporting Exploitative Corporation That Doesn’t Even Have ‘The Office’

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS GATOS, Calif. — A local man has proudly canceled his Netflix subscription, saying he can no longer in good conscience support a corporation that treats its writers and actors so unfairly and doesn’t even have The Office anymore, sources have confirmed. 

“Between systematically manipulating and exploiting their creative workforce and no longer having my favorite sitcom available to stream, I can no longer support Netflix,” said longtime Netflix subscriber Jack Burkhardt, joining striking SAG-AFTRA and WAG members on the picket line outside of the corporation’s headquarters. “Writers, actors, and viewers all deserve fair compensation! Why are my rates going up and the level of content going down? Why does CEO Ted Sarandos get an eight figure salary while the stars of his shows are living off of pathetic residual checks? Why did Michael leave after season seven? These questions all deserve answers, and shame on Netflix for not providing them.” 

Burkhardt’s wife supported the cost cutting measure. 

“I will miss being able to throw Seinfeld reruns on easily, but I think we’ll be okay without Netflix,” said Jennifer Burkhardt, Jack’s wife. “On top of not wanting to contradict Jack when he gets in one of his moods, I’m sure I’ll be able to find something to watch on Peacock, Hulu, Max, Disney+, Paramount+, PlutoTV, or Tubi. And if all else fails, they still show Seinfeld reruns on one of the local channels every night. So yeah, fine by me if we no longer pay 20 bucks a month to keep watching the same three seasons in the middle when it got really good. Why don’t we just buy the DVD’s or something?”

As of press time, when asked if it had been pretty hard to cancel his subscription, Burkhardt replied “That’s what she said!” and ran around looking for someone to high five him. 

15 Insane Real Life Stories About Oppenheimer That the Movie Didn’t Include

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Christopher Nolan’s Oppenheimer is filled with crazy moments that are ripped right from real life. But even if your movie is 3 hours, you can’t fit EVERY detail in your movie. Here are 15 insane real life stories about Robert Oppenheimer that Nolan wasn’t able to fit in his hit biopic.

#15 — He kept insisting the bomb was “bonkers”

Apparently Oppenheimer got really into using the word “bonkers” and tried to force it into every conversation he could. He’d be like “yoo it’s straight bonkers that we’re making a bomb right now” all the time. But the word wouldn’t be popularized until many decades later.

#14 — He had sex with Florence Pugh

In the movie, Oppenheimer has sex with a character played by Florence Pugh named Jean Tatlock. But in real life, Oppenheimer had sex with the actress Florence Pugh, who has been roughly 21 or 22 since the 1940s.

#13 — He hung dong

Despite rumors, Oppenheimer did not show his entire penis on the IMAX screen in Christopher Nolan’s new film. In real life, however, Oppenheimer often was nude below the waist — either when he took showers or when he had to pee or poo.

#12 — He was a member of the “dirtbag left”

The Oppenheimer movie certainly goes into the scientist’s connections to the Communist Party. The movie, however, does not include his time making a podcast with members of the party called “The Bomb Cast” where Oppy and his boys talked shit about the current state of politics and wondered what famous figures would sound like if they were gay.

#11 — He was the director of the Manhattan Project

Had to pee really bad in the middle of the movie so I actually don’t know if they covered this, but Oppenheimer actually basically invented the atomic bomb. Crazy!

#10 — He once got into a fist fight with Heisenberg

Oppenheimer and Heisenberg got really really drunk one night before World War 2 and decided to decide once and for all which of the two would win in a straight up fist fight. Although the victor has been lost to history, this fist fight contributed greatly to the arms race between the U.S. and the Nazis years down the line.

#9 — He couldn’t read

Oppenheimer never learned how to read in any language. The only languages he understood were science, death, and love-making.

#8 — He fucking loved science

Oppenheimer fucking loved science and often shared memes and images with his friends that said as much. 

#7 — He only had one of those hats

In the film, there’s a terrific scene where Oppenheimer dons his iconic suit jacket and hat. In real life, however, Oppenheimer wore that hat every single day for 40 years. Friends and family begged him to wash it or buy a second hat, but Oppenheimer refused. The hat was disgusting and smelled horrible.

#6 — He and Albert Einstein were more than friends

Oppenheimer and Einstein briefly dated, although decided to split it off mutually after just a month. According to wiretaps by the FBI, Oppenheimer once said to Einstein, “let me see what you can do when you stick out that tongue.”

#5 — He was really into CrossFit

In order to stay in-shape at Los Alamos, Oppenheimer got super into CrossFit. Despite the U.S. government trying to shut down the growing movement, Oppenheimer held secret meetings with other scientists to try to get them involved in the new fitness craze. Eventually, Oppenheimer lost security clearance with the government due to his connection to the CrossFit movement.

#4 — He was Bill Nye’s father

On November 27, 1955, Oppenheimer’s wife gave birth to William “Nye” Oppenheimer — now more famously known as “Bill Nye.” Nye did everything he could to separate himself from the legacy of the atomic bomb, but he can never outrun what his father did during World War 2. Oppenheimer coined the phrase “inertia is a property of matter,” however.

#3 — He once locked himself in a screening room for four months, eating just chocolate bars and peeing in bottles

This MAY have been Howard Hughes, but I’m pretty sure it was Oppenheimer. It’s definitely one or the other. But it’s probably Oppenheimer. Whatever.

#2 — He loved Dragon Ball Z

The two atomic bombs were named “Fat Man” and “Little Boy” but Oppenheimer originally insisted they be called “Majin Buu” and “Young Goku.”

#1 — He can never go to Japan

He wasn’t banned or anything, but he is dead.

30 Insanely Brilliant New Ideas Elon Musk Has for the Company Formerly Known as Twitter

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Elon Musk announced today that the social media platform Twitter, which bought last year for $44 billion, will be changing its iconic name to “X” and use a unicode symbol as its logo, despite the fact that it cannot be trademarked. Naturally, we and all of Elon’s devoted fans want to congratulate on such a terrific business move. Here are 30 more insanely brilliant new ideas that Musk is bringing to the company in the coming months.

#30 — Make the button to delete a post say “Tweet”

Now if you wanna make a post, the button to release it onto the website will say “X” and the button to NOT release it onto the website will say “Tweet”

#29 — Get his wife and children to love him again

Analysts are unsure how changing the iconic social media site’s name to X will convince his children to respect him as a father, but Elon seems to be working closely with Chat-GPT to get the job done.

#28 — Horses for everyone

There will be a fun new game on the website where anyone who gives Elon Musk a sexual favor will be gifted a horse at some point.

#27 — Expansion into banking 

Soon you’ll be able to give Elon Musk as much of your money as you’d like! Very cool. Hopefully getting money out of your account won’t have that weird Twitter glitch where a bot sends you a picture of porn every single time.

#26 — An “Instagram” section

Now that Instagram has a Twitter section, Twitter will have an Instagram section where users can post photos of themselves with captions. Experts predict that by 2025, all websites will be exactly the same.

#25 — More hilarious memes

Musk has announced that no matter what you do or how much you pay for the site, every third post on your X feed will be a meme from 2007. 

#24 — Screenshots of tweets

Bluecheck users will now be sent money for screenshotting viral tweets and posting them on their own accounts with a caption that just says “😳”

#23 — Fully sentient in 3 years

Musk promised that in just 36 months the application will be self aware, and the fully AI-powered application will be able to make your wildest dreams come true, yes, including sucking your dick. 

 #22 — Bringing Donald Trump back

Elon has reportedly been trying to get former President Donald Trump back on the platform by creating a space every day where, for one hour, only Trump is allowed to post and it has to be about celebrity gossip.

#21 — Fighting Mark Zuckerberg

Elon announced today that he has plans to finally fight Mark Zuckerberg using a new strategy where he breaks into Zuckerberg’s house and shoots the Meta CEO in the head with a gun while he sleeps.

#20 — Will change app’s name to “XXX” for a day at some point 

Musk will then explain to his dedicated fanbase that this used to be shorthand for pornography 50 years ago. 

#19 — Announcing that he is the creator of the company

By the end of 2023, Elon Musk will officially be the founder of X, and therefore, Twitter.

#18 — Bartering economy 

Musk confirmed that X will no longer be just a social media platform, but will also let users trade goods and services. If you want to trade 4 car tires for a used gaming computer, you can send your item to the X headquarters, and they will send you the item you want back. Musk insists this is more efficient than the current economic system.

#17 — Everyone can say anything they want on the platform 

So long as it’s about liberals, trans people, communists, and racial slurs.

#16 — The Singularity

Using AI, everyone will eventually merge with X and all of humanity will become one single mind, instantly capable of understanding everything about one another. Unless you don’t pay $8 a month for the website, in which case you get to just stay the same.

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New Assassin’s Creed Just Gonna Let You Go Crazy in Present Day Times Square

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MONTREUIL, France — Ubisoft revealed the time and setting of the newest Assassin’s Creed game earlier today, and the next installment in the long running franchise will apparently just let players go wild in modern day Times Square, sources have confirmed. 

“You’re gonna be able to do anything you want to these people,” said director Stéphane Boudon. “All of the standard murder stuff, and then some truly sickening flourishes that we can’t even believe they’re letting us get away with. We’ve also toned the story down significantly in this next installment. There’s gonna be way, way less of it. We honestly haven’t even figured out why you’re going to be in New York City, 2023, but we’ll sort that all out pretty soon here. What’s most important is that fans have been asking for this version of Assassin’s Creed and we’re finally gonna give it a whirl.”

The untitled Assassin’s Creed project has sparked interest in many lapsed fans of the long running franchise. 

“Man, I haven’t played an Assassin’s Creed since the pirate one,” said local gamer Cole Parker, who hasn’t played an Assassin’s Creed game since the pirate one. “But if you’re gonna let me walk around a photorealistic Times Square and let me see what sick shit I can pull off, well then, sign me up I guess. I hope they put in some dialogue where it makes it feel okay that you’re running around killing tourists and cab drivers and everyone else. But either way, I’m gonna go for it. Glad to see this franchise get back on track finally.”  

As of press time, Ubisoft had revealed that the upcoming Times Square Assassin’s Creed game would be available in a special edition for pre-order, which includes the bonus option of playing during New Year’s Eve. 

Whoa! Innovative Tears of the Kingdom Players Have Successfully Built an Effective Two Party System

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Months after its release, dedicated players of the latest Legend of Zelda game have reportedly constructed an effective two party system to govern the land of Hyrule, sources confirm. 

“I can’t believe they pulled it off,” said Dawn Colton, the journalist who broke the story. “We’ve all seen the clips of helicopters and basketball hoops that were made from Zonai devices, but I didn’t think people would be able to build things this complicated out of sticks and stones. Wow. How did they prevent the infiltration of gerrymandering and Super PACs? Oh, they just didn’t let it get that bad? That’s fucking crazy!” 

The player responsible for constructing the effective governing body said it was something they’d wanted to try since they started playing the game. 

“I saw the things online that other players were coming up with,” said Peter Lee, the gamer that built the two-party system in Tears of the Kingdom. “Wonderful, fantastical creations, from the deepest parts of the most creative minds. I knew I wanted to try to make something that people truly wouldn’t believe. After my initial plans of constructing an actual black hole that sucked the video game up and inside of itself and ruined the cartridge proved to be too complicated, I decided to go for the next loftiest thing I could: an effective and corruption-free two party governing system, with functional checks and balances and a court that isn’t for sale. I also added some flames on the side so it would look cool, too.” 

Politicians largely disapproved of what they perceived as the latest video game to expose the public to sensationalized ideas and images. 

“This is really dangerous stuff that kids could get their hands on,” said Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema, wearing the worst glasses you’ve ever seen. “Despite it’s E10+ rating, the newest Legend of Link game displays shocking depictions of competent governing and ethical representatives at every level of the political spectrum. Frankly, we haven’t seen something this far fetched and disgusting since Mortal Kombat came out. This time, however, the gaming industry has finally gone too far.” 

As of press time, Congress had banded together to unanimously pass a bill that banned The Legend of Zelda games from all schools and gave them all an extra week of vacation.

Action Movie Director Announces Plans for New Series That Starts Getting Good by the Fifth One

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Famed action movie director Mattie Melton announced a new series of films he is working on called Agent Amazing that will get good by the fifth one.

“Yeah, so the first four movies are going to suck. That’s non-negotiable. But then the fifth one? That one’s gonna completely change the game and blow everybody’s socks off,” Melton explained. “That’s just how movies are now. Whether it’s the Fast and Furious franchise or the Mission Impossible franchise or the new Agent Amazing franchise, you can’t go around putting all the best stuff in the first half of the franchise. What a waste!”

Action movie fans were excited to hear the news.

“Oh man, I love Melton’s movies so this is gonna be so dope. Really excited to suffer through the slog of the first four movies over the course of a decade and then finally get a really awesome fifth one that feels almost completely detached from the origin of the franchise,” said moviegoer Homer Nash. “A lot of filmmakers accidentally luck into having their first good movie in a franchise be the fourth or fifth one, but it’s truly inspired to do it on purpose. And then once it gets good, you can split those bad boys up into two or three parts and you’re printing money.”

“Obviously I haven’t seen it yet, but I really hope some of the characters from the first and second movies come back around the sixth and seventh movies in a way that is totally unrecognizable,” said critic Andy Boyle. “That’s where the craft really comes in. In the first movie, sure maybe that character is bland and boring to watch. But when they show up again for one scene ten years later? It’s like, holy shit. They remembered that it was in the movie! That’s very exciting to see.”

At press time, Warner Bros announced plans to remove the first four movies from whatever their streaming service will be called right before the release of the fifth Agent Amazing.

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