Carlos Cadorniga, Author at Hard Drive

15 Little Known Facts About ‘Donkey Kong Country’

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

1994’s Donkey Kong Country was both a creative rebirth for its titular character and the game that cemented Rare as developers to be taken seriously. Today we look at some little known facts about this platforming classic that spawned a franchise and continues to inspire debate. Here are 15 little known facts about Donkey Kong Country.

1. Underwater levels were faked

While most of the game was filmed on location, the underwater levels that feature Donkey and Diddy holding their breath for very unrealistic amounts of time were shot on a soundstage in Burbank, California.

2. The game had a large promotional push

If you were a subscriber to Nintendo Power magazine before the game’s release, a guy came to your house and made sure your TV and sound system were fully optimized for the mind blowing game that was about to drop. Many of these uninvited house guests would later admit to pilfering many of these homes of various personal belongings.

3. Michael Jackson secretly worked on the game

While most assume he had a hand in the soundtrack, The King of Pop actually was a background artist, helping illustrate many of the game’s vivid levels.

4. ‘Minecart Carnage’ level inspired a (short lived) amusement park ride

The ride was promptly torn down after no one survived the attraction’s initial voyage. Nintendo executives would later walk back their controversial remarks which saw them claiming that “maybe those parkgoers weren’t jumping at the right time.”

5. Aside from the bonus levels, many extra content was cut from the game

This includes original side quests that would have had Donkey and Diddy helping Daisy get ready for a big date and helping Funky jam a balloon full of mescaline up his ass before he took a trip.

6. Like many other elements, the tire physics were well ahead of their time

“Please don’t ask me about the tires,” said the programmer that was allegedly tasked with perfecting the tire during Donkey Kong Country‘s two year development cycle. “I don’t want to talk about the tire anymore.”

7. Nine developers were lost during production

While generally seen as an acceptable loss on a large scale video game production these days, the news cast a grim shadow on an otherwise very enjoyable game. Our condolences to the brave programmers who died working on Donkey Kong Country.

8. Mario refused to participate

“That son of a bitch is-a no good,” said the Nintendo star, when asked to do one of his signature cameos in the game. “I will-a see him in-a hell.” The two stars eventually settled their differences and would go on to star in several Smash Bros games together, although their relationship remains strained.

9. Is director Peter Jackson’s favorite video game

After failing for years to secure the cinematic rights to what he called “The greatest piece of art I have ever experienced,” Jackson finally settled for the rights to King Kong in 2005 and made that into a video game as well as a film. “It was fun, but it was no Donkey Kong Country,” said the Oscar winning filmmaker.

10. The game’s plot was inspired by some neighbor kids of director Tim Stamper

They weren’t gorillas, but the two boys did used to break into Stamper’s garage all the time and fuck with his giant stash of bananas.

11. Debut of controversial broadcaster

Years before he was banned from most radio airwaves for insisting that vaccines cause hurricanes and that 9/11 never happened, Rambi the Rhinoceros made his video game debut as one of several animal assistants you meet along the way.

12. Rare did what Nintendo couldn’t: get Donkey to take his shirt off

The official amount remains confidential, but some reports have estimated that DKC developers Rare paid the savvy video game veteran more than a million dollars to remove his shirt. When he showed up on the first day wearing his now signature red tie, he reportedly said, “You guys never said I couldn’t wear a tie.” He had them over a barrel. Pun intended. I don’t even care anymore.

13. Donkey and Diddy didn’t get along

Rumors persist that Donkey’s offscreen behavior, such as the aforementioned red tie incident and his frequent pleas for second and third lunch breaks, are what led to him being written out of major roles in the subsequent sequels on the SNES.

14. Utilized several state of the art technologies

Including pre-rendered graphics, expensive workstations, and a revolutionary laser beam that made animals talk when you shot them with it.

15. Iconic soundtrack selection ‘Aquatic Ambience’ took over five weeks to write

The composition of the fan favorite track was complicated by composer David Wise’s insistence that he only write the song a few seconds at a time while he was holding his breath underwater.

Every Coen Brothers Movie Ranked by How Awkward It Would Be to Watch at a Funeral

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Joel and Ethan Coen have had a long career making terrific films that defy genre. And while most people do not play movies at a funeral at all (because it would be very strange), what if you wanted to? What if the deceased wanted you to pop on a DVD of Blood Simple? Well you could do that. And so, here’s a ranking of how awkward it would be to watch each Coen Brothers film at the celebration of the life of a loved one who has passed away.

#18 — Fargo (1996)

No one has ever been upset to be watching Fargo! Everyone’s gonna sit around the screen, laughing at the silly voices, and feeling a sense of community. It’s weird to watch ANY movie at a funeral…. maybe except Fargo. When I die, please play Fargo at my funeral. (That being said, I do not intend to ever die).

#17 — Hail, Caesar! (2016)

Hail, Caesar! got kind of a bad rap for some reason, but at the end of the day, if you’re gonna watch a Coens movie at a funeral, why not put on the one that just has a bunch of colors and choreographed dance scenes and isn’t entirely about everyone and everything you know dying horribly and alone? Right?

#16 — The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (2018)

If you simply must watch a Coen movie at a funeral, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs is a good choice. It’s (sometimes) a fun silly time and you can break it up into parts! Maybe you watch the first short, do a speech about the deceased, watch another short, cry a little, etc.

#15 — Raising Arizona (1987)

Watching a movie at a funeral is certainly awkward, but you really can’t go too wrong if you put on young sexy Nicolas Cage on the screen. If you don’t have Moonstruck laying around, I guess throw on Raising Arizona.

#14 — The Ladykillers (2004)

The Ladykillers is actually the only Coen Brothers movie I have never gotten around to watching. And you know what? I’m willing to bet that most other people at a funeral haven’t either! I know it has a reputation for not being their best, but if it’s a Coen movie, I’m sure it’s fine (not to mention, people aren’t exactly the best critic at a friggin funeral). So if I was at a funeral, and someone suggested throwing on The Ladykillers, I’d kinda be down. Sure, when the hell else am I gonna watch this?

#13 — The Big Lebowski (1996)

I absolutely would not be surprised if there are at least a few hundred people who have insisted that The Big Lebowski is played at their funeral. They probably also insisted that their friends attempt to pour their ashes out, only to have the wind blow the ashes back into everyone’s faces. The Big Lebowski is one of the first movies people based their entire personalities on, and honestly, I guess ultimately not the worst choice. Looking at you, The Room heads.

#12 — O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

O Brother, Where Art Thou? is basically just a sillier, more modern version of Homer’s epic poem The Odyssey, so maybe you could make some weird argument that this is like an ancient tome that connects all people or something like that and then just let everyone enjoy the sweet tunes of The Soggy Bottom Boys. I dunno! Try this and let me know if it works.

#11 — The Hudsucker Proxy (1994)

Watching The Hudsucker Proxy on its own would not be that bad, but you cannot trust the person who would play this movie at an event that’s meant to be for mourning the loss of a friend or family member to NOT pass out hula hoops to everyone in the audience. And if you do that, it’s absolutely going to be a very strange time. Just put on the movie and let people watch it.

#10 — Blood Simple (1984)

The Coen Brothers’ first movie is a terrific film with an amazing soundtrack and great cinematography. It really is impressive how these guys made such a good movie right out of the gate! If I was at a funeral and someone wanted to throw on Blood Simple, I’d be like, damn OK I guess! Kind of an insane decision, and a pretty pretentious movie to put on the TV, but I guess most people won’t have seen it before and it’s a good time.

#9 — Intolerable Cruelty (2003)

You’re the guy who keeps insisting that Intolerable Cruelty is lowkey underrated. You’re constantly trying to convince your friend group to watch it when everyone’s hanging out. I totally get that. But don’t be tempted to use the captive audience of a funeral to finally get everyone to check out this satirical rom-com starring George Clooney. It’s just not the time. I mean, come on, it’s not Blood Simple.

#8 — Miller’s Crossing (1990)

Miller’s Crossing is certainly a movie with a lot of death, which you may think would make for an awkward time at a funeral. And maybe it would! But the important thing here is that the deaths are all a result of gangsters making strategic errors during the Prohibition era. That’s a foreign enough concept that no one’s really going to associate it with the fact that grandpa choked to death on a lifesaver or whatever happened.

#7 — Burn After Reading (2008)

This one can go either way. If the person whose funeral it is died because they’re an idiot and were hiding in the closet of a CIA agent, who shot them in the face? This is going to be an extremely awkward movie. If they died any other way (illness, poison, hit by a bus), you’re probably in the clear. It’s always good for someone, at a funeral, to ask the audience: what did we learn from this?

#6 — Barton Fink (1991)

Barton Fink is a movie about a writer who, like all writers, is trapped in Hell. If the person who died was a writer (or Jewish), this might be a pretty awkward movie to throw on at a funeral — especially in the midst of the WGA strikes. But if they were like a successful businessman or something, then go for it, dog! Everyone might honestly get a kick out of it!

#? — Garfield: The Movie (2004)

NO. This is NOT a Coen Brothers movie!! It was written by Joel CoHen. H! We’re not even including Macbeth in here, why the hell would we include a movie written by a totally different guy?! DO NOT WATCH GARFIELD: THE MOVIE AT A FUNERAL.

#5 — No Country for Old Men (2007)

You probably don’t want to watch a movie about the looming specter of Death coming through a village and murdering people for no real reason at a funeral. I mean just imagine the shock if the priest got up to the podium, shifted around the little microphone, and said, “Alright, we’re gonna put on 2007’s No Country for Old Men. Everyone shut up. This is a really good movie. It’s kind of about The Devil.”

# 4 — True Grit (2010)

Like Tenet or In Bruges, True Grit is one of those movies that is in English, but you literally cannot watch without subtitles on. Unfortunately, despite being a great western film with deep themes, this is going to be one of the most difficult Coen Brothers movies to watch over the sound of sobbing friends and family.

#3 — Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

Inside Llewyn Davis is easily the least funny of any of the Coens films, therefore making it inherently a pretty awkward watch at a funeral. It’s really good, but also pretty damn sad. You could probably do just the Adam Driver scenes and have a good time, but most likely you’re going to bum everyone out as they think about how Llewyn Davis, and maybe the deceased, never really amounted to much in their lives.

#2 — The Man Who Wasn’t There (2001)

Man, these guys really do have a ton of movies about the impending nature of death, huh? Yeah don’t watch this at a funeral. It’s going to bum everyone out. Also it’s in black and white and people are huge babies about that. They’re going to be upset you’re making them watch a movie while mourning a loved one and then it doesn’t even have color?!

#1 — A Serious Man (2009)

If you play this film for a group of people at a funeral, every single person in attendance will kill themselves.

Weekly Drinking Night Ruined by Excessive Board Gaming

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

CINCINNATI — A weekly meetup where a group of friends gather to drink alcohol and enjoy one another’s company was once again spoiled by the introduction and uncontrolled use of board games, confirmed multiple buzzed sources.

“This night used to be about a bunch of buddies getting together and bonding over a shared interest in booze,” said Will Reid, who hosts the gatherings at his house. “Now it’s just dice roll after dice roll until they all blur together. As the night goes on, people start getting belligerent. Actual fights have broken out over different interpretations of the rules. Hell, Kenny doesn’t even come around anymore. He developed a board game problem in college and says this isn’t a safe environment for him anymore.”

Mark Hardin, whose wife Kristina attends the weekly get-togethers, said he has grown increasingly concerned as the night’s focus shifted from beer to gaming.

“I was happy when it started,” said Hardin, who explained that he enjoyed having some alone time to work on his car. “Kristina would meet up with her friends after work on Thursdays and have a couple of beers as they caught up about work and life, that sort of thing. She’d be home in time to tuck our kids into bed, laughing as she shared her friends’ stories with me. Nowadays, she’s out until all hours of the night. It’s the worst when they play Twilight Imperium. There have been Friday mornings when I’ve woken up alone.”

Professor Norman Underwood, a gaming epidemiology researcher at Northwestern University, said that the issue is hardly limited to Reid’s group.

“After the lockdown, we saw lots of people eager to re-establish connections with their friends and loved ones,” said Underwood, who stressed that there is no safe amount of board gaming. “They started organizing these drinking nights as a healthy, harmless way of rebuilding relationships. Unfortunately, it was only a matter of time before some well-intentioned invitee brought along their copy of Settlers of Catan without thinking about the consequences. Even some more savvy groups might be fooled by more recent games like Drinking Quest. Really, without early intervention and board game safety education in the schools, we’re just going to see this sort of thing continue to spread and worsen for decades.”

At press time, Reid and his friends were excitedly gathered around his kitchen table, ready to sample an exotic board game that one of them had brought back from a trip to Germany.

It’s a Drinking Game and a Tabletop RPG! Drinking Quest: Belch of the Wild now on Kickstarter! Belch Today!

Pokemon GO Ditto Guide: How to Get Ditto in Pokemon GO

Posted on July 25, 2023 by Christian Dawson

Want to know how to catch a Ditto in Pokemon GO? This master of disguise hails from the Kanto region and was introduced to the mobile title in 2016. Unlike the main series of games where Ditto’s primary purpose is to produce a litany of Poke-babies, its job in Pokemon GO seems to be annoying players in search of it. Here’s how to track it down.

How to Catch Ditto In Pokemon GO (July 2023)

Ditto makes use of its ability to morph into other Pokemon to remain largely undetected. Developer Niantic will regularly rotate out which Pokemon Ditto can disguise itself as. Armed with the knowledge of what the disguises could be, it falls to trainers to nab each and every single one they see.

Once the Pokemon has been captured, if it is in fact a Ditto, the capture screen will say “Oh?” instead of “Gotcha!.” At that point, the disguised Pokemon will morph into the Transformation Pokemon.

All Current Ditto Disguises (July 2023)

Corphish
Diglett
Grimer
Litleo
Roggenrola
Snubbull
Starly
Tympole

Ditto Stats, Moves, And Bonuses

Unfortunately, this Pokemon isn’t great for combat. It’s primarily captured to round out the Pokedex, or for folks that have an adoration for the pink pile of goo. Its primary attack, Transform, will turn it into a copy of the opponent’s Pokémon.

Base Stats

Attack: 91
Defense: 91
Stamina: 134

Possible Moves

Fast Attacks:
- Transform – Normal – 0 Power
Charged Attacks:
- Struggle – Normal – 35 Power

Elemental Bonuses

Resistant To:
- Ghost
Weak To:
- Fighting

That’s all there is to tracking down and capturing a Ditto in Pokemon GO. If you’re the kind of aforementioned player that is all about pink Pokemon, check out our guide on how to get Sylveon in Pokemon GO.

AI-Generated Black Mirror Episode Strangely Upbeat

Posted on July 25, 2023 by Naomi Krause

LOS ANGELES — A new AI-generated episode of the anthology horror show Black Mirror has surprised longtime fans with its surprisingly upbeat tone and lack of twist ending, sources have confirmed.

“Whoa, that was a weird one,” said local Black Mirror fan Heather Tipton. “It was all about how these machines had constructed a utopian society and how happy they had made everyone. Then, after 45 minutes or something, the episode just ended after everyone in town had a nice Sunday barbecue. I might watch it again to see if I missed something, but this really just seems like a calling card for how great AI can be. I don’t get it.”

After the show’s premiere, Black Mirror producers revealed that the episode was an experiment and the entire script had been generated by AI.

“That’s why instead of some twist or something, everyone just kept vibing with the AI,” said Black Mirror creator Charlie Brooker. “It’s not the direction we would have went, but that’s why we thought it was such a brilliant idea. You expect us to insert some commentary on the encroaching nature of the technology around us, but hey, even we’ve embraced it by this point. It’s pretty cool! This baby popped out three more scripts just last night. And all we have to pay him is nothing!”

As of press time, Black Mirror had announced several new episodes coming out right away, forever.

Pokémon Trainer Keeps Gardevoir in PC Box Labeled “Work Stuff”

Posted on July 25, 2023 by Naomi Krause

MAUVILLE CITY, Hoenn — Local Pokémon trainer Ollie Bond reportedly keeps a copy of Gardevoir in a PC box labeled “work stuff,” according to sources snooping around to find information about it.

“Oh, uh, work stuff? Nothing important in there at all. Just some um… Dittos and other boring Pokémon,” Bond said, desperately searching for an explanation for why he had a hidden Pokémon PC box. “I certainly wouldn’t jack off to one of the Pokémon in that box haha. I mean, I wouldn’t jack off to any Pokémon. I don’t even jack off. I’m saving myself for marriage. Maybe even after that. Just…. Please stop standing there saying nothing. I get that you’re just a 15-year-old kid or whatever, but you just completely destroyed me in a battle, took my money, and now are just watching me unravel here. I gotta get out of here and, uh, do some…. work stuff.”

Despite Bond’s insistence that the box contained merely “work stuff,” other members of the Hoenn community were quick to discover the lone Gardevoir in there.

“Yeah, it’s on my fucking PC. Of course I can see what’s on it,” said local PC owner Bill. “The thing is, though, he’s a Pokemon trainer. No one would have thought it was weird if he had a box with a Gardevoir in it. Truly, no one would have noticed! But the fact that it’s labeled ‘work stuff’ and he kept insisting it’s just taxes until I told him you can’t upload taxes to a PC… that’s what makes it weird. And then I googled ‘Gardevoir drawings,’ and well, I guess what I would say is that what I saw there was nothing short of horrifying.”

At press time, Bond tried to defend himself by insisting that the Gardevoir, whom he claimed to have never met, had cast both “Charm” and “Confusion” on him.

Girlfriend Uses Environmental Storytelling by Shivering to Indicate She’s Chilly

Posted on July 25, 2023 by Mackenzie McGee

MINNEAPOLIS — Local girlfriend Jemma Brady created an immersive narrative experience to signal her physical discomfort to her new boyfriend Keith Powers in what many are calling an inventive approach to communication.

“She got goosebumps the second we arrived at Keith’s place. She was wearing a short sleeve shirt, so Keith had to see them when she went in for a hug. Then she folded her arms in front of her, kind of hunched over, and absentmindedly rubbed her hands up and down her biceps. That’s how she was expertly able to show she was cold without uttering a single line of dialogue,” said friend of the couple, Sydney Hodges. “While we were in the kitchen making popcorn, she started messing with the thermostat. The girl really knows how to use mise-en-scene.”

Brady says she has been working on various techniques to get information across to her boyfriend in ways that let him discover it on his own.

“Relationships are inherently spatial,” said Brady. “Keith’s one-bedroom-plus-bonus-office apartment is more than just a setting — it’s a world he keeps cooled to 67 degrees, even in the summer. And it’s drafty, so the AC is pretty much blowing constantly.”

Powers, however, said he’s still getting used to Brady’s methods.

“Looking back, some of the hints seem so obvious, but I didn’t think much of them at the time. Like, she got a big blanket for us to share, but I just thought she wanted to cuddle,” Powers explained. “I actually think I would have gotten it faster if Heather hadn’t picked Snowpiercer as the movie. I’m usually more of a lore guy, so that threw me off. I finally figured it out when Jemma borrowed my sweatshirt. She stopped shivering almost instantly. That’s environmental storytelling.”

“I think I’m better at picking up on subtle cues than I used to be, and solving problems is so much more satisfying,” Powers added. “When it finally clicked, I didn’t just know Jemma was cold—I felt it.

At press time, Brady reportedly left voice recordings around the apartment for Powers to find so he could learn that she wishes he would do some dishes.

TERFs Outraged Over Lack of Genitalia in Barbie Movie

Posted on July 25, 2023 by Mackenzie McGee

FORT WORTH, Texas — Several transphobes online expressed negative opinions about the absence of full frontal nudity in the recently released Barbie movie, sources confirmed.

“I don’t understand how adult human females can enjoy this woke propaganda,” said Lula Copeland, who identifies as gender critical. “They only say the word vagina once in the entire movie. All of the characters should be completely nude for at least one scene in the film so that we can decide whether or not it’s sending the right message to our children. I don’t have children, but ya know, if I did.”

Copeland’s friend and fellow TERF Megan Castro shared similar thoughts. “My girlfriends were all laughing and crying, and I was just sitting there, trying to figure out who in Barbieland produces the large gametes. If it’s this confusing for me, I can only imagine how confusing it is for the impressionable youth being tricked by wretched doctors.”

When reminded Barbie is a plastic kids toy and not a human being, Copeland doubled down.

“I can’t relate to Barbie if she wasn’t born with a fully functioning female reproductive system,” she explained. “So what if she’s directly affected by the same impossible patriarchal standards that make my life hell? The only real indicator of womanhood is passively wondering when you had your last pap smear.”

A source close to Copeland and Castro claimed they weren’t always like this.

“It’s so sad, because they used to be able to have fun,” said the former friend, who asked to remain anonymous. “They flat-out condemned Misty for suggesting we go see Oppenheimer next. Apparently the jury’s still out on Cillian Murphy’s bone structure.”

At press time, Copeland and Castro have both resolved to never watch another film again.

Every Final Fantasy Cid Ranked by How Good He’d Be As Your Step Dad

Posted on July 25, 2023 by Jacob VanGundy

In 1987 SquareSoft released the surprise RPG hit Final Fantasy. The game’s whirlwind success created gaming’s most ironically named long-running franchise. Each entry is set in a new world but with certain recurring motifs. One of the longest-running of these motifs is having a guy named Cid.

While there isn’t any direct connection between the various Cids of Final Fantasy they’re usually mechanics of some kind. They’re also often older than the party of plucky teens Final Fantasy loves so much. The combination of these two defining characteristics imbues Cid with indisputable stepdad energy.

We’ve all daydreamed about which Cid we’d want to marry our divorced mom and at long last we have a definitive ranking.

#15 — Cidolfus Demen Benusa (Final Fantasy XII)

The guy’s middle name is literally demon but spelled wrong. He will literally try to murder you and your plucky group of friends. Steer your mom away from this guy and any other guy named “D. Mon” or Matt Damon or whatever. They’re all bad news.

#14 — Cid Fabool IX (Final Fantasy IX)

Don’t let this loser fool you with his charm and vast wealth. His last marriage ended when his wife caught him stepping out and turned him into a bug. If that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is. Not only is this creep a serial cheater, but his time in animal bodies makes him do weird animal shit. He still scurries away frantically when a light comes on from his time as a bug. He claims he’s always sticking his tongue out because he was a frog once, but you’re pretty sure you caught him doing it once and then winking at a barista.

#13 — Cid Kramer (Final Fantasy VIII)

The most insidious Cid on this list. Both you and your mom will be charmed by this harmless-looking, sweater vest-wearing dweeb. He treats you both well and even offers to send your little brother to the exclusive academy he’s the headmaster of. Then one day the FBI shows up and arrests him for training a child army. If your mom ends up with this guy do NOT let him send you to his “school.”

#12 — Cid Raines (Final Fantasy XIII)

This guy is just way too into politics. Like, to the point you don’t even know which side he’s on with any issue. You once made the mistake of asking his opinion on gun control and two hours later you snapped back to focus and realized he was describing a local ordinance, and then he looked at you and concluded with, “so that’s the highlights.”

#11 — Cid Sophiar (Final Fantasy XV)

This Cid’s a nice guy you’ve known your whole life because he was your dad’s best friend. That shouldn’t matter, but it weirds you out anytime you see him kiss your mom. Maybe, you’d have an easier time moving past that fact but he talks about some road trip he went on with your dad constantly.

#10 — Cid (Final Fantasy II)

This Cid is the ultimate latchkey stepdad. He treats your mom well, but barely even seems to know you exist unless he’s giving you a lecture about borrowing his car. Somehow every lecture ties into his time as a knight. If he ever catches you with pot he will literally call the cops, even if it’s legal.

#9 — Cid (Final Fantasy XI)

There’s nothing wrong with this guy, but you just can’t seem to remember anything about him. Even years after your mom marries him, you call him “Buddy” because you’re not entirely sure if his name is Cid or Sam. You’ll never get what your mom sees in him. He’s nice enough but his eyes glaze over unless he’s talking about airships. You’re pretty sure he can’t read.

#8 — Cid Pollendina (Final Fantasy IV)

Cid Pollendina may not be the best stepdad on this list but he is the most fun. He won’t just let you throw a party while your mom is out of town he’ll buy you and your friends a keg. He’ll also tell very graphic jokes you know should come off as creepy, but he makes it work. You’re 75% sure he’s on meth.

#7 — Cid (Final Fantasy X)

At first, this Cid seems like a real asshole. He’s gruff and loud and always yelling, plus he’s always hanging out with his weirdo son confusingly named Brother. Then, one night, you watch Field of Dreams together and he cries like a baby. From that day forward he’ll be surprisingly sensitive and open with you. He’s the kind of stepdad you can crack a beer open with and have a heart-to-heart. Unfortunately, his weird son never moves out.

#6 — Cid Garlond (Final Fantasy XIV)

Cid Garlond seems like the perfect stepdad. He treats both you and your mom well. He’s nice, smart, and charming. Unfortunately, there’s a time limit on his relationship with your mother, because his true love is his rival Nero. It’ll take a while for Cid to realize he’s falling for his so-called enemy, but it’ll be a bubbling source of tension. Then, one day he’ll just be gone leaving a note for your poor mother explaining that he has to follow his heart.

#5 — Cid Highwind (Final Fantasy VII)

Cid Highwind has a lot of flaws. He’s a chain-smoking, foul-mouthed, curmudgeon. He day drinks. He calls you &#$%$ and *@!% which might be slurs. So why is he ranked so high? Because he’s a goddamn astronaut, that’s why.

#4 — Cid Previa (Final Fantasy V)

Cid Previa is a big old dork. He’s the kind of guy who will woo your mom with obscure Greek poetry he personally translates. But don’t worry, he’s not some stodgy academic with no practical skills, he can also fix the dishwasher when it breaks. He might not have much in common with you, but there’s no denying he’s a real catch. Good for you Mom.

#3 — Cidolfus Telamon (Final Fantasy XVI)

Cid is a sweet, down-to-earth, funny guy. He’s also a really good dad who will instantly take you in and treat you like his own child. He’s basically the perfect dreamy daddy. For your mom, of course. Not for you. I mean, you’re not jealous of your own mom. That would be ridiculous. But if you were, it wouldn’t be that weird because he’s like, basically your age.

#2 — Cid Del Notre Marquez (Final Fantasy VI)

This guy would straight up commit treason for his adoptive family. If that’s not the sign of a top-tier stepdad I don’t know what is. He’s a big teddy bear who just wants everyone to be safe and happy no matter what. It would be a shame if something awful happened to such a nice guy. But you’d never let that happen, right? RIGHT?

#1 — Cid Haze (Final Fantasy III)

Cid Haze is a jolly, silly, old dude with big Santa Claus vibes. But what makes him the number one stepdad is that he’ll always put your mom first. This dude sidetracked a quest to save the world to take care of his sick wife. He’s also just the cutest little old man. He literally wears feathers in his hat.