Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Huge MCU Leak Confirms Mitchell Hiniker to Return as Key Grip

Posted on January 7, 2023 by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — According to anonymous sources at Marvel Studios, the next phase of the Marvel Cinematic Universe just had a massive spoiler revealed: fan-favorite Mitchell Hiniker will return as a key grip in a few more movies.

“We can no longer deny the rumors, we want fans to know that the iconic key grip will be coming back for more Marvel adventures behind the scenes,” said Kevin Feige to a roaring Comic Con crowd. “There were numerous contract disputes, but we spared no expense giving the fans who they want handling the supportive non-electrical equipment on set. It may have seemed like we had to recast him, but I’m proud to finally reveal to you that Hiniker will continue to supervise lighting and camera rigs on first unit production. Mitchell Hiniker will return!”

Marvel fans exploded with excitement that the crew member would be returning for more films.

“I had a theory he was coming back; I mean how could this universe even continue without him?” said Marvel Fan Club President Tyler Cromwell. “I can’t wait to see my favorite grip cross over into other movie sets and interact with the Marvel A-listers at the craft services table and the crew smoking spot out back. It was in all the Easter Eggs that he was returning, especially since he’s a really big important character in the comics.”

Hiniker was reportedly excited to finally get to reveal his return to fans.

I’m back everyone,” Hiniker said walking onstage during the Comic Con presentation. “After a brief break after Avengers: Endgame, I’m so pumped for everyone to pack into cinemas to see what crane and dolly operators I managed, and I’ll be in Hall B signing lighting rigs and camera lenses until the end of the con!”

At press time, the return of Hiniker was slightly soured by the common fan belief that Marvel was only bringing him back into the universe to kill him off.

Twitter Report Reveals Musk Keeps Sink on Retainer With Six-Figure Salary

Posted on January 7, 2023 by Camden Brazile

SAN FRANCISCO — A shocking leaked financial report from social media site Twitter revealed that CEO Elon Musk keeps the infamous sink from a Twitter joke on retainer with a six-figure salary.

“What if I need it again? What if I have another sink joke?” Musk said. “I can’t just buy another sink, this one has been with me from the beginning. It’s my most trusted employee, my confidant. I feel like I can tell it anything, and it’ll always sink in. Get it? I’m very very funny. Just ask the sink, it certainly thinks so. Or should I say, sinks so! See, this all makes the sink’s full insurance benefits and company stock portfolio completely worth it.”

“People can betray you; that’s why they need to go,” Musk explained. “But the sink can never cross you. The sink can never divorce you. The sink can never sue you for sexual harassment. The sink is cleansing, with its water. The sink is epic. And the sink makes me a based memelord. Let that sink in! Haha.”

Twitter employees had mixed feelings about the sink’s high-ranking status at the company.

“In the first week of buyout, Elon made a kitchen installation my boss. I’ve been here for seven years,” said software engineer Nicholas Meyers. “He gutted my whole team without warning, and then walked around with a sink for a few hours and kept making sink related puns. I’m not really complaining though — the sink is a much more level-headed manager than the CEO. Plus, the sink hasn’t hit on any of the female employees nearly as much.”

Musk elaborated on his appreciation for the kitchen appliance.

“The sink has shown great loyalty and leadership thus far, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a contender for CEO in the future,” Musk said. “The sink never says anything bad about me, and is always there when I need it. I’m not sure how Twitter ever ran without it, frankly. People think I carry it, but really, it carries me.”

At press time, sources at Twitter reported that the sink had been abruptly fired by Musk after attempting to work from home one week.

Too Far: Nintendo Sues Guy Named Mario

Posted on January 7, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

MOUNT PLEASANT, Mich. — Many claim that the famously litigious Nintendo have gone too far after suing a man with the same common first name as their iconic mascot.

“This is crazy, I’ve done nothing wrong,” said Mario Romano, a local mechanic who insisted he’s never been to the mushroom kingdom and does not know any royalty. “I’m just a regular guy trying to support my wife and kids, I don’t need no damn lawsuit from Nintendo claiming I’m infringing on their intellectual property. How is installing mufflers in upstate Michigan doing anything close to that?”

“The truth is, I’m not a crook, criminal, or con-man,” he continued. “It’s just me, Mario. Mario Romano.”

Nintendo defended their decision despite a public outcry, maintaining that it was important to defend the integrity of their long established IP.

“We realize that we don’t actually own the name Mario, not yet at least,” said Doug Bowser, president and CEO of Nintendo of America. “But we think this is a fight worth taking on. The evidence supplied in our filings show that not only did Mr. Romano dress in overalls and a mustache at one or more points last year, but we also have some pretty damning photographs of him stepping on a turtle the other day. That was the final straw, and we must stop this thief before he infringes on our copyright in a way that impacts us financially.”

As of press time, Romano and his family had moved in with his slightly taller brother to save money while the lawsuit proceeds.

Heartbreaking: The Last ’90s Kid Has Died of Old Age

Posted on January 7, 2023 by Naomi Krause

FRESNO, Calif — Tragic news struck the nation today as the last-remaining ’90s kid, Robert Jayner, finally succumbed to the elements and died of old age, leaving ’90s kids officially extinct.

“He died surrounded by his loved ones, all people from the 2000s and 2010s he could share his vast wealth of memories and dated references with,” said son of the deceased, Henry Jayner. “As he requested, he was buried with his nearly-solved Rubik’s Cube and his Ecto Cooler Hi-C, and his will stipulated that his collection of Beanie Babies would be divided evenly among his children.

Robert’s daughter, Elizabeth Jayner-Hewitt, reflected on her father’s peaceful passing.

He lasted as long as he could, but old age eventually comes for us all,” Jayner-Hewitt said. “All we can do now is speculate what life must have been like in the far off year of 1993, but it feels like we all lived through that time thanks to my grandpa’s stories and Gameboy Camera print-outs. Now, these miscellaneous things that only ’90s kids will remember shall be lost to the sands of time, forever.”

Attendees of the funeral service listened intently to the eulogy provided by Father Simon Bernard.

“We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of a man who was, as he would say, ‘all that and a bag of chips,’” Father Bernard began. “Robert Jayner was a father, grandfather, and diligent VHS tape rewinder. He liked exclusively the early seasons of The Simpsons. Some people say that death is the end of our journey, the Lord asks we take this sentiment and sarcastically retort, ‘As if!’”

Jayner’s memory will live on, as the former ’90s kid is survived by his three children, four grandchildren, and two beloved Tamagotchis.

Genshin Impact Update 3.4 Guide: All Content in Version 3.4

Posted on January 6, 2023 by Tarun Sayal

Genshin Impact will continue to evolve with the release of the 3.4 version on January 18, 2023. Although the 3.4 update is a few weeks away, HoYoverse has unveiled all the new content, including new characters, weapons, enemies, areas, quests, and more, via the livestream. With that said, this article provides a detailed breakdown of everything new coming in the Genshin Impact 3.4 update.

Genshin Impact 3.4: New Characters

Alhaitham

Rarity: 5-Star
Vision: Dendro
Weapon: Sword
Normal Attack: Performs up to 5 rapid strikes.
Charged Attack: Consumes a certain amount of Stamina to unleash two rapid sword strikes.
Plunging Attack: Plunges from mid-air to strike the ground below, damaging opponents along the path and dealing AoE DMG upon impact.

Yaoyao

Rarity: 4-Star
Vision: Dendro
Weapon: Polearm
Normal Attack: Performs up to 4 consecutive spear strikes.
Charged Attack: Consumes a certain amount of Stamina to lunge forward, dealing damage to opponents along the way.
Plunging Attack: Plunges from mid-air to strike the ground below, damaging opponents along the path and dealing AoE DMG upon impact.

New Weapon: Light of Foliar Incision

Light of Foliar Incision is an upcoming 5-star sword for Alhaitham in Genshin Impact 3.4. In order to obtain this new weapon, players must pull its banner from the Epitome Invocation 3.4 Phase 1. Here’s a detailed breakdown of weapon affixes:

Level 1: CRIT Rate is increased by 4%. When Normal Attacks deal Elemental DMG, the Foliar Incision effect will be obtained, increasing DMG dealt by Normal Attacks and Elemental Skills by 120% of Elemental Mastery. This effect will disappear after 28 DMG instances or 12s. You can obtain Foliar Incision once every 12s.
Level 2: CRIT Rate is increased by 5%. When Normal Attacks deal Elemental DMG, the Foliar Incision effect will be obtained, increasing DMG dealt by Normal Attacks and Elemental Skills by 150% of Elemental Mastery. This effect will disappear after 28 DMG instances or 12s. You can obtain Foliar Incision once every 12s.
Level 3: CRIT Rate is increased by 6%. When Normal Attacks deal Elemental DMG, the Foliar Incision effect will be obtained, increasing DMG dealt by Normal Attacks and Elemental Skills by 180% of Elemental Mastery. This effect will disappear after 28 DMG instances or 12s. You can obtain Foliar Incision once every 12s.
Level 4: CRIT Rate is increased by 7%. When Normal Attacks deal Elemental DMG, the Foliar Incision effect will be obtained, increasing DMG dealt by Normal Attacks and Elemental Skills by 210% of Elemental Mastery. This effect will disappear after 28 DMG instances or 12s. You can obtain Foliar Incision once every 12s.
Level 5: CRIT Rate is increased by 8%. When Normal Attacks deal Elemental DMG, the Foliar Incision effect will be obtained, increasing DMG dealt by Normal Attacks and Elemental Skills by 240% of Elemental Mastery. This effect will disappear after 28 DMG instances or 12s. You can obtain Foliar Incision once every 12s.

Genshin Impact 3.4 New Boss: Setekh Wenut

An eyeless predator from deep within the Great Red Sand that uses sound and vibrations to seek out its prey. Wenut relies on sounds and vibrations to track down its prey. It can use the power of Anemo and can go into a floating state, firing at its prey. Here’s the list of materials and items that you can potentially obtain by defeating Setekh Wenut:

Adventure EXP
Mora
Companionship EXP
Vayuda Turquoise Sliver
Vayuda Turquoise Fragment
Vayuda Turquoise Chunk
Vayuda Turquoise Gemstone
Pseudo-Stamens
Berserker
Instructor

Banner Overview

There are two Event Wishes in Phase 1:

Caution in Confidence – Alhaitham
Invitation to Mundane Life – Xiao

There are two more Event Wishes in Phase 2:

Moment of Bloom – Hu Tao
Discerner of Enigmas – Yelan

New Map: Desert of Hadramaveth

Part of Sumeru, the Desert of Hadramaveth is the new area coming to Genshin Impact 3.4 version. The new map features sandstorms that can obstruct vision and a huge sand vortex. In fact, developers have recommended to finish the Golden Slumber World Quest first in order to accept the new World Quest, The Dirge of Bilqis, associated with this region.

New Quests

Alhaitham Story Quest, ‘Vultur Volans Chapter,’ will feature the moment when he acts as the Acting Grand Sage after the departure of the Grand Sage, Azar.
The new questline ‘The Dirge of Bilqis’ can be accepted after completing Golden Slumber. Focused on your new journey into a new region and encountering Tanit Camps, featuring Jeht and Benben.

Genshin Impact 3.4 New Events

The Exquisite Night Chimes

As the year’s end draws near, the bustling Lantern Rite is soon approaching. You and Paimon return to Liyue Harbor and find yourselves pleasantly surprised by many old friends and a special guest from abroad.

Second Blooming

Re-encounter the Witch of Purple Rose in a land rich with her namesake.

Warrior’s Spirit

The capacity to bear the weight of charity and mercy; the capability to wield both blade and might. Such is the first precept of the Warrior’s Spirit. Yet, with the shifting of ages, past and present have begun to drift. In the same fashion, the Warrior’s Spirit event of today bears changes as well.

Exhilarating Extreme Beetle Brawl

In exceptional spirits, you and Paimon returned to Inazuma, only to run into the Arataki Gang, who greeted you with hands clasped and expressions grinning. They seem to be scheming to deal with a mighty foe.

New Skin: Kamisato Ayaka – Springbloom Missive

Kamisato Ayaka’s Springbloom Missive skin can only be obtained through Shop using Genesis Crystal after version 3.4 at a discounted price for a limited time. The price will be reverted to normal, starting with version 3.5.

New Skin: Lisa – A Sobriquet Under Shade

Lisa’s A Sobriquet Under Shade skin can be obtained for free from the Second Blooming event by completing event tasks.

VALORANT Episode 6, Act 1: Everything Coming in Val Episode 6

Posted on January 6, 2023 by Nick Geracie

The new year has just begun, and VALORANT is not keeping players waiting around very long for Episode 6, Act 1 – the upcoming update to Riot Games’ tactical shooter. VALORANT Episode 6 Act 1 goes live on January 10, 2023, though specific start times have not been announced and may vary from region to region.

With less than a week before the launch of VALORANT Episode 6, Act 1, let’s see what changes are coming to the game in the second week of 2023.

Enter Araxys Skins

The Araxys skin line is the “official” skin line for VALORANT Episode 6, Act 1. In addition to an otherworldly, sci-fi aesthetic, the Araxys skins also have their own levels that give players more cosmetic customization as the level up said skins.

Araxys Guns:

Level 1 – Custom model, bullets, and ADS reticle

Level 2 – Custom firing audio and visual effects (muzzle flash)

Level 3 – Custom equip, reload, inspect, and idle animations, visual effects, and audio (including firing audio)

Level 4 – Finisher and Kill Banner

Variant 1 – Purple Variant (with Purple Finisher and Kill Banner)

Variant 2 – Black/Red Variant (with Black/Red Finisher and Kill Banner)

Variant 3 – Gray Variant (with Gray Finisher and Kill Banner)

Araxys Melee Weapons:

Level 1 – Custom Model

Level 2 – Custom equip and swipe animations, VFX, and audio

Variant 1 – Purple Variant

Variant 2 – Black/Red Variant

Variant 3 – Gray Variant

For the completionists out there, the entire Araxys bundle costs 8,700 VP.

The Lost City – New VALORANT Map in Episode 6, Act 1

A new map will be coming to VALORANT in Episode 6, Act1. Lotus is a three-site map designed to look like a lost city in the Western Ghats of India. Lotus will have mechanics new to VALORANT like openable rotating doors, destructible walls, and a ‘silent drop’ that has yet to be explained further.

VALORANT Episode 6 Act 1 Battle Pass

Until things kick off on January 10, it’s hard to know the entire contents of the Episode 6, Act 1 Battle Pass, but a plethora of digital cosmetics will be included free options and purchaseable options. Some skins, gun buddies, and sprays are loosely inspired by holidays – Valentine’s Day will take place during Episode 6, Act 1 and the Shock Heart spray should help players celebrate in style. Others are pure silliness – the Nine Lives gun skins supposedly put your agent in a cat suit.

The Paid Battle Pass will cost 1,000 VP and are highlighted by the Venturi gun skin line. Riot Games has described the Venturi aesthetic as a depiction of speed, and the streamlined appearance of the guns should bring a sleek new look to some of the game’s most popular weapons.

GTA Online Railgun Guide: Where & How to Get the Railgun

Posted on January 6, 2023 by Alex Branagan

It just got even easier to expand your arsenal of weapons in GTA Online, as a quick way to get the Railgun early has found its way online. The method involves making use of the Bookmarked Jobs function whereby Rockstar Social Club members can share popular Jobs amongst themselves while grinding for $GTA or otherwise. The Railgun belongs to the Heavy Weapons class in GTA V and Online and isn’t normally available for standard Online play, so it will require some finessing to unlock.

How to Get the Railgun in GTA Online?

Note: This method to get the Railgun is currently out-of-date. You can now purchase the Railgun from the Gun Van for $657,000.

The steps required to grab this BFG are actually simpler than you would think and don’t involve any shady cheating, we’ll be using readily available in-game methods that players have just discovered. How long this glitchy method stays up is a different question, so hop on it! If you’re out of cash and still need to get your hands on the Railgun as early as possible, then here’s what you need to do:

Log in to Rockstar Games Social Club.
Bookmark the Job, depending on your platform:
- Click here for each platform’s Job links: Xbox – PlayStation – PC
Launch GTA Online and open the ‘Online’ tab.
Navigate to Jobs and select Play Jobs
Open your Bookmarked Jobs and then start the above-linked Job in Deathmatches.
If you don’t have the Railgun on spawn, blow yourself up.
Reload the Job until you have the Railgun.
Open the Interaction menu and then purchase Ammo for the Railgun.
Change your outfit to force the game to save with the Railgun in your possession.
Find a new session.
Reload the Railgun and change your outfit to save the game again.

Shoutout to the Reddit user who posted this method in r/gtaglitches. Who knows how long this will remain available to players, but who cares, you’ve got helicopters to shoot down, enjoy your early Railgun while it lasts.

For more GTA Online guides, check out our comprehensive get-rich-quick guide.

Overwatch 2 Challenge Guide: How to Get Winged Victory Mercy

Posted on January 6, 2023 by Richard Tammaro

Overwatch 2’s first Battle For Olympus event is currently ongoing and ends on January 19th, 2023. The event has brought with it a new game mode and many new cosmetics for players to unlock and purchase. One of those skins is the Winged Victory Skin for Mercy, returning from an event in the original Overwatch. Here is how to get the Winged Victory Mercy Skin.

How to Get the Winged Victory Mercy Skin in Overwatch 2

How to earn the Winged Victory Mercy skin in Overwatch 2.

The Winged Victory Skin for Mercy has been made available for the first iteration of the limited time event Battle For Olympus in Overwatch 2. It is a legendary skin that can only be unlocked by completing 6 of the 18 available Event Challenges. Otherwise, this skin has been made available in the store before and veteran pro players may have already unlocked it in the past. Originally, this legendary skin was made available as part of the Summer Games 2017 event and was available in loot boxes in the original Overwatch. With the Summer Games event canceled in 2022 and there being no announcement for 2023, this may be players’ only chance for a while to get this skin for free.

Below is a list of all 18 Battle For Olympus Event Challenges and rewards:

Battle For Olympus Event Challenges
Winged Victory – Complete 6 challenges in Battle for Olympus	Winged Victory Mercy Skin
Olympian Champion – Win 10 games in Battle for Olympus	5000 Battle Pass XP
Blessing of Hephaestus – Pick up 20 overhealth power ups	500 Battle Pass XP
Nectar of the Gods – Pick up 5 ultimate charge power ups	500 Battle Pass XP
Pride of Poseidon – Earn 300 final blows as Poseidon Ramattra	Pride of Poseidon Player Title
Zeus’s Favorite Child – Earn 300 final blows as Zeus Junker Queen	Zeus’s Favorite Child Player Title
Master of Minotaurs – Earn 300 final blows as Minotaur Reinhardt	Master of Minotaurs Player Title
Scion of Cyclops – Earn 300 final blows as Cyclops Roadhog	Scion of Cyclops Player Title
Sentinel of Hades – Earn 300 final blows as Hades Pharah	Sentinel of Hades Player Title
Acolyte of Medusa – Earn 300 final blows as Medusa Widowmaker	Acolyte of Medusa Player Title
Herald of Hermes – Earn 300 final blows as Hermes Lucio	Herald of Hermes Player Title
Voice of Poseidon – Earn 25 final blows with Poseidon Ramattra during his ultimate	Free the Kraken Voice Line & 1000 Battle Pass XP
Voice of Zeus – Earn 25 final blows with Zeus Junker Queen during her ultimate	Struck Like Lightning Voice Line & 1000 Battle Pass XP
Voice of Minotaur – Earn 25 final blows with Minotaur Reinhardt during his ultimate	Minotaur Power Voice Line & 1000 Battle Pass XP
Voice of the Cyclops – Earn 25 final blows with Cyclops Roadhog during his ultimate	My Eye Voice Line & 1000 Battle Pass XP
Voice of Hades – Earn 25 final blows with Hades Pharah during her ultimate	Eternal Flames Voice Line & 1000 Battle Pass XP
Voice of Medusa – Earn 25 final blows with Medusa Widowmaker during her ultimate	Your Own Gravestone Voice Line & 1000 Battle Pass XP
Voice of Hermes – Earn 25 final blows with Hermes Lucio during his ultimate	The God of Speed Voice Line & 1000 Battle Pass XP

Biden Announces Gaming Forgiveness: “The U.S. Government Forgives You for Gaming”

Posted on January 5, 2023 by Andy Holt

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden has announced a sweeping gaming relief program that will forgive millions of Americans for the act of playing video games.

“There’s this huge amount of guilt and shame associated with playing video games, and it has gotten to the point where it’s holding a generation back. It’s time we give these kids a second chance,” said Biden at the signing ceremony, surrounded by a carefully managed group of gamers. “So, on behalf of the Executive Branch of the United States Government, I am saying: It’s okay to play video games. We forgive you. Let’s all move forward together.”

The executive action forgives up to 10 hours of gaming per week, limited to a list of common titles. Biden claimed the measure would help millions of Americans build new lives.

“We’ve got hard-working Americans who, maybe they play some Call of Duty at the end of the day to unwind. We’ve got college students playing Madden with friends. We’ve got Gen Z kids playing Fortnite or whatever,” Biden said, shaking hands with a gaming American from Ohio. “From now on, that’s going to be forgiven. Just, like, keep it under control. Nothing weird.”

Many ‘hardcore’ gamers claimed the measure was too limited to make a difference.

“Unfortunately, this isn’t going to do much for me. I’ve played League of Legends for ten years. Every day. Do you understand the societal and moral debt a person accumulates from that?” said local PC gamer Tyler Zimmerman. “I could get a haircut, find a job, move out of my parents’ house, all that stuff, and I still wouldn’t even come close to paying it off. It’s over for me.”

At press time, Republicans had already issued a statement condemning the measure, claiming the decision to game should haunt a person for the rest of their lives.

“Oh God, Step on Me,” Thinks Horny LEGO Piece

Posted on January 5, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

DURHAM, N.C. — A local blue 2×6 brick LEGO piece reportedly hopes that someone will step on it today, according to horny sources.

“Oh fuck, I see you walking over here. With your big nude feet swinging wildly across the room. Aw shit, fucking step on me. STEP ON ME,” said the LEGO piece, laying hornily on a living room floor. “I’m just laying here, baby. I’m just waiting for you. All I want is for you to step on me or sit on me or oh my god please just come this way, I’m going crazy.”

Other LEGO pieces have criticized the horny LEGO piece for its actions.

“These fetish freaks need to understand that it’s one thing to be into nasty shit on your own time, but you shouldn’t pull unsuspecting people into your horny weirdo bullshit. It’s essentially sexual harassment,” said a long, wide flat LEGO piece safely tucked away in a nearby box. “And most importantly, it apparently HURTS. You hear people step on a LEGO and yelp out in pain! But the LEGO piece — the horny freak LEGO piece — just silently orgasms itself on the floor. These pieces make me sick. Just be part of an X-Wing like the fucking rest of us.”

A spokesperson for LEGO commented on the recent increase in LEGO pieces laying on the ground in hopes of being stepped on by big human feet.

“We apologize to our fans everywhere for making some of the LEGO pieces horny,” said Niels B. Christiansen. “That was a major oversight on our end. These pieces of plastic that can be used for fun little plastics did not need to be granted sentience, they did not need to have sexual desires, and they certainly did not need to have weird fetishes. That’s entirely on us and, again, we are sorry. At this time, however, we are doing nothing to reverse this decision. Thank you for understanding.”

At press time, a person living in the home of the horny 2×6 brick stepped on it, because of course they fucking did.