Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Netflix Cancels ‘Tuca & Bertie’ Again for Good Measure

Posted on January 10, 2023 by Hard Drive Staff

LOS ANGELES — Amidst a growing number of cancellations in the streaming world, Netflix has announced that it has canceled the show Tuca & Bertie one more time, “for good measure,” according to those familiar with the situation.

“Yeah, I know we canceled that one back in 2019, but it’s just so fun shutting down the hopes and dreams of the creatives we’ve partnered with. So fuck it, why not? Tuca & Bertie is double canceled,” explained Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. “We canceled season 1, which we created, and we canceled seasons 2 and 3, which were made by Adult Swim after we sold the show. Those seasons already got canceled by those guys, though, so it’s all still double canceled. It’s gone. We might cancel some of Bojack Horseman again too while we’re at it. We’re running out of animated shows to drop, so we gotta go back to the classics and play the hits.”

Lisa Hanawalt, the creator of the show, said she found the news disappointing.

“It doesn’t affect my life in the slightest to have my show canceled a second time. And yet, it still hurts quite a bit,” Hanawalt explained. “They couldn’t just let it be canceled the one time? You have to let cancellations breathe a little bit to find their footings. It just feels cruel. I think, as creators, we really need to fight to make sure that we include something in our contracts specifying that networks can only cancel our shows one time. None of this double cancellation bullshit.”

At press time, Netflix announced that it would be canceling just the final episode of all its mystery shows, just for shits and giggles.

Hey, We Finally Played Gris and Need to Redo Our Top 10 Games of 2018

Posted on January 9, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

As a gaming publication, we generally take the month of December off and spend these last few weeks of the year repurposing all of our video game opinions from the last 12 months. However, in an effort to procrastinate on even this most easiest of duties, I found myself exploring my ever growing backlog, and do you know what I discovered? 2018’s Gris is good. I mean really good! I didn’t try it back then because, well, there’s just so many games that come out in a given year, and also, and please don’t laugh, but I thought the game was called Grits for a long time and didn’t play it because I though it was some game about grits. Oops!

After discovering this four year old gem, I realized there was no way our ‘Best of 2018’ list was anywhere near accurate at its time of publication. Truthfully, we rushed that thing out in late November and I don’t know if we had played half the games on it. We’re trying to do better these days, and as one of two remaining video game websites in the world, I vow to refrain from publishing anything inaccurate in the upcoming year.

With that, please check out our newly revised Best Games of 2018 list!

10. Forza Horizon 5 – I think this is the one that came out that year. Whichever one it was, I bet you it had great graphics and neat cars. You can count on that.

9. Return of the Obra Dinn – Okay, I still haven’t played this, but it’s a great premise and it really got a lot of praise. I’m sure I would like it. My brother told me it was really good. I even have it on my Switch, I think. I just have to technically play it still is all.

8. Donut Country – I don’t recall this one all the way, but I do remember the main character very vividly: a goose that you’d control and just kind of go fuck with everyone in town. Hilarious little indie game!

7. Whichever Call of Duty it was – I make fun of these games but play them every year, if we’re being honest.

6. Gris – The reason we’re here today. Really good shit. No excuse if you haven’t checked this one out yet. Gris rules.

5. Assassin’s Creed: The Greek One – This series has definitely had its ups and downs, but The Greek One stands out to this day as one of the half dozen entries that really brought something new to the franchise.

4. Fortnite – You can always just throw Fortnite on these things!

3. Marvel’s Spider-Man – I can’t remember exactly when this first came out, but there’s been some version of it every year for a while now so I bet we’re good to have it on here.

2. Red Dead Redemption 2 – Years removed from the controversy that embroiled its development and release, RDR2 easily stands as the best game Rockstar Games has released in years.

1. God of War – Okay, so I may have revealed myself to be a little behind when it comes to the current landscape of video games, but rest assured I know enough to realize that this was the best game of 2018, hands down. No contest. They should do a sequel!

There you have it, our revised top ten games of 2018. I think we can pretty much lock this in now, at least until I can finally afford Captain Toad’s Treasure Tracker. That fucker never goes on sale.

Hey, this is obviously sponsored by Devolver Digital. If you wanna check out Gris for yourself (it’s not called Grits), you can grab it on Steam for less than $20. Indie games, eh? That’s less than a third of a Pokémon. Less than a sixth if you buy both editions of those things!

Call of Duty Warzone 2 Stat Tracker Guide: Best Stats Trackers

Posted on January 9, 2023 by Rabia Sayal

Call of Duty: Warzone 2 has been one of the most popular titles out there ever since its release, and has acquired millions of players across the world. If you want to stand out from the crowd and win matches, improving your gameplay skills is quite essential, and tracking your Warzone 2 stats, like KD ratio, combat score, and more, helps you understand your goals and your progress.

However, players don’t really have a way of tracking their stats in the game itself, which is why many Call of Duty players use stats trackers, which are online tools that allow you to see detailed statistics.

Best Call of Duty: Warzone 2 Stats Trackers

We’ve listed below some of the best Warzone 2 stats trackers that you can use to see how you stack up against the competition.

CoDTracker.GG – Best Warzone 2 Stats Trackers

Without a doubt, CoDTracker.GG is the best and most consistent stats trackers for almost every Call of Duty game. The website has a massive database full of stats, including an option to view your lifetime KD ratio, Score per game, headshot percentage, accuracy, win rate, and a lot more.

On top of that, CoDTracker.GG will show you a detailed report on how you performed in each match and the weapons you used the most without logging into the Activision account. However, it’s worth noting that third-party websites like CoDTracker.GG may collect your information in order to give you the best possible experience.

To check your Warzone 2 stats via CoDTracker.GG, you must first set your Call of Duty profile to public. To do this, log in to the Call of Duty website, find the account preferences page, and click on the Account Linking tab.

Finally, you need to set Searchable and Data Visible to Friends + Partners. After altering these options, you may need to wait up to 30 minutes for the changes to take effect. After that, input your Activision ID on the CODTracker.GG website to see the stats.

WZStats.GG

WZStats.GG is a relatively popular name when it comes to tracking Call of Duty stats. It’s a widely used app that is specifically designed for Warzone. It allows you to see your overall stats, such as kills, deaths, and win ratio, as well as more detailed information like your strengths and weaknesses.

In addition to this, it also includes a leaderboard tab, which provides you with the list of the top-ranked Warzone 2 players in the community and to see how you rank against other players. Similar to our previous recommendation, players can check their Warzone 2 stats by simply searching for their username on WZStats.GG.

The only drawback is that the free version has ads. So if you want an ad-free experience, you will have to purchase their premium subscription plan in order to remove the ads. On top of that, WZStats.GG has no dedicated mobile app, so its support is limited to the desktop version.

CODStats.Net

As the name suggests, CODStats.Net is a comprehensive stats tracker that is specifically designed for Call of Duty games. This stats tracker is focused on providing information about the gameplay of top Warzone players and professional teams. In addition to stats, it also includes information about the settings and equipment that these players use.

Although the tool gives you detailed information on Warzone 2 kills, deaths, and win ratio, it lacks some of the features its competitors offer, such as insights into your strengths and weaknesses. This is why CODStats.Net boasts a small database. However, if you want to check any of your metrics in comparison to other players’ values, then CODStats.Net can get the job done for you.

In-game Stats Report

If you don’t want to share your data with a third-party tracker, then you may have another option. In this case, you can use Warzone 2’s in-built stats report feature in the future, which allows you to view the Post-match Lobby overview with players’ average stats, Scoreboard, Average player’s KD, and your performance comparison.

Unfortunately, the feature is currently unavailable as the Combat Record system is not implemented yet in Warzone 2. In a Tweet, the game developer Activision stated the following:

“Although previously announced, Warzone 2.0 Combat Records will not be launching with Season 01 Reloaded due to the accuracy of the data population. However, we continue to work on this feature and the implementation of Leaderboards and will provide an update when available.”

Once it’s made available, players will be able to check Warzone 2 stats in the game itself by following these steps:

Launch Call of Duty: Warzone 2.
Navigate to the game’s main menu.
Head to the Stats tab
View the detailed report.

That concludes our guide for the best Warzone 2 stats trackers. With these tools, you can see how you are progressing in Warzone 2 and identify areas where you can improve. Whether you’re a seasoned veteran or a newcomer to the game, these tools can provide valuable insights into your gameplay.

CoD Warzone 2 Best Settings: How to Hear Footsteps Better MW2

Posted on January 9, 2023 by Alex Branagan

The issue surrounding audio settings and the optimum setup is often hotly discussed among both the pros and the players of Warzone 2 and Modern Warfare 2. For those looking to hit high-kill counts, knowing where the enemy is and how to hear a sneaky opponent’s footsteps in MW2 are imperative to scoring well in a match, and YouTuber Metaphor has just the trick.

According to the popular Warzone 2 content creator, there’s a Loudness Equalization setting that will improve the chances of you hearing other players easily in-game and he released a video explaining how to quickly get it up and running.

We’ve broken down everything you need to know into some quickfire steps below, which will get the Loudness Equalization setting running and you hearing every footstep around you in no time.

How to Hear Enemy Footsteps Better in Warzone 2 and MW2

The best sound settings for CoD MW2. — Image via Metaphor on YouTube

The following steps are available to PC Warzone 2 players only, as PlayStation and Xbox don’t offer any similar settings either in the system menus or in-game. Here’s how to set up Loudness Equalization to hear other players better:

From your PC desktop, navigate to the sound icon, usually on the bottom right.
Right-click and select Sounds.
Click on the Playback tab, and scroll down to System.
Make sure System is ticked and set as your primary source.
Right-click on System and select Properties.
Click on the Enhancements tab, and make sure Loudness Equalization is clicked.

And there you have it! Footsteps should be coming in clearly in-game and be amplified whenever you’re nearby another player. A notable caveat to this setup that Metaphor also explains is that directional sound can be interfered with when using this setting, so bear that in mind while trying to make use of it in situations where you’re struggling to pinpoint someone who may be in close proximity or camping.

For more Warzone 2 guides, find out when Jailbreaks are going to happen in each game, or keep an eye on when Season 2 of MW2 and Warzone 2 is coming out.

Pokemon Scarlet & Violet Home Compatibility Release Date

Posted on January 9, 2023 by Alex Branagan

Since their release in November of 2022, Pokemon Scarlet and Violet have had trainers hooked on the open world of Paldea and the many Pokemon to be caught. However, Pokemon Home, a facility designed for players to both manage and bring forward their past pals from previous titles has yet to be released with compatibility for the current generation.

The wait has understandably left some trainers frustrated, as those involved in the competitive scene find it easier to bring their maxed-out ‘mons forward from previous titles rather than go through the arduous grind of training new sets of Pokemon they may have already trained. The same can be said for players who just miss their best buds from Sword and Shield, Legends: Arceus, or even earlier games, and simply wish to eat a sandwich and picnic with them in the Paldea region.

When Does Pokemon Home Support Scarlet & Violet?

According to the Pokemon Company, Pokemon Home compatibility with Pokemon Scarlet & Violet is slated for a Spring 2023 release. There’s no exact release date yet, but a more concrete date should be coming as we approach that Spring 2023 release window.

Players will have to remain patient and wait a bit longer for that Pokemon Scarlet & Violet Home compatibility to be integrated later this year, which could be as late as April or May. Thankfully, we’ve been treated to the confirmation of some select Pokemon that will be able to join Trainers in Paldea, as images from the official Pokemon website confirm that Pokemon Legends: Arceus’ Kleavor and Hisuian Zoroark will be transferable, along with Serebii’s compiling of the total 119 Pokemon that will be available in Scarlet & Violet via Pokemon Home.

Looking for more gaming guides? Check out our unlock guide on how to unlock all free characters in Genshin Impact!

Genshin Impact Free Characters: How to Unlock Free Characters

Posted on January 9, 2023 by Samuel Moreno

Genshin Impact has continued to expand with a lot of new content ever since its release. This has included regions, mechanics, and of course plenty of new characters. At the time of this writing, there are 61 playable characters and that number will increase once Version 3.4 goes live. Although they’re all available at one point or another through the various gacha Wishes system, a handful of Genshin Impact characters can be obtained for free by completing Archon Quests or through optional dungeons. This guide will be going over how to unlock them and what makes them different among the growing roster.

Traveler

This one should go without saying as they’re the first character you’ll obtain, but it’s certainly worth mentioning. The main protagonist for the many story and quest lines is the Traveler, one of two twin sibling Sword users who you’ll choose between to begin your adventure.

Keeping them in your party isn’t necessary and many players swap them out if they find a character they enjoy playing more. A good reason to keep them is their exclusive ability to change between (at the moment) four elements to match specific regions, allowing for more variation in play style. Additionally, the first element they’ll resonate with is the wind-based Anemo, making the Traveler the current only free character to use it.

Amber – Genshin Impact Free Characters

The initial quests during the Prologue’s first Act are essentially tutorials and they go by quickly. It won’t take very long before you come across Amber, the next free character. She’ll join the party after a short cutscene and dialogue exchange.

She may not be the only free Pyro character and she’s no longer the only free Bow weapon user either, but she’s still a great benefit to any team and will help a ton with any Pyro-related puzzles.

Kaeya

It only takes a handful of short quests and more specifically the completion of one named “Knights of Favonius” before a new trio of quests will open up. Each one takes you to a domain (which are basically dungeons) that is based around helping a particular character, who’ll join you in a trial run of sorts. Completing the “Crash Course” quest will permanently reward you with Kaeya.

He’s a Sword weapon user like the Traveler, although that doesn’t mean he’ll play the same. His status as the sole free Cryo character is what can make him a bit more desirable to some players, whether it’s for team building or completing puzzles.

Genshin Impact Free Characters: Lisa

The same procedure is used in making Lisa available. Her quest is called “Sparks Amongst the Pages” and sees her join you as a trial character as you make your way through the domain. Completing the quest will unlock her permanently.

Lisa stands out as the first free Catalyst weapon and Electro element user, as well as one of two characters to have that distinct mix in the entire roster. It will also take quite a bit of progress before the Traveler can align with the Electro element, meaning she’ll remain an exceptional choice.

Noelle

Remember that “Knights of Favonius” quest I mentioned? It also has a hand when it comes to the next character. Completing that quest and reaching Adventure Rank 5 are the requirements for unlocking the option to pull for Wishes. One to especially look out for is meant for new players and is called “Beginner’s Wish.” 10-wish sets come at a 20% discount and the first 10-wish pull is guaranteed to have the Geo character Noelle.

Similar to Lisa, Noelle would be the only free user of her element if the Traveler couldn’t also align with it. That being said, Noelle still has a distinct playstyle as the only free Claymore weapon user and all the makings for a great support/defensive role in a party.

Barbara (Genshin Impact Free Characters)

Unlocking the remaining characters won’t be as fast as the previous ones. To obtain the Hydro character Barbara, you’ll need to complete the climactic Prologue Act III quest “A Long Shot” and have reached an Adventure Rank of 18.

Barbara is a highlight among the free characters due to being a healing powerhouse and the sole Hydro element user. You’ll be sure to set off many elemental reactions while using her since she uses a Catalyst weapon as well.

Xiangling

These last two characters can be unlocked by clearing certain floors in the Spiral Abyss domain. Unlocking the option to even take on this challenging domain requires an Adventure Rank of 20, so these should be the final free characters you acquire. First up is the Pyro character Xiangling, who is unlocked after clearing Floor 3, Chamber 3 in the Spiral Abyss.

It’s important to note that Xiangling is widely considered to be the best free character by far and one of the strongest characters in general thanks to her tendency to output an incredible amount of damage. Being the only free Polearm weapon user is just the cherry on top.

Free Genshin Impact Characters: Collei

One of the most recently added characters is Collei in Version 3.0 along with the Sumeru region. A limited-time event called Graven Innocence allowed players to take on a special quest to unlock her. While she can’t be unlocked through that method anymore, she has since been added as a reward for clearing Floor 4, Chamber 3 in the Spiral Abyss.

This is another case where her element doesn’t feel quite as special since the Traveler can also use it. Since she was one of the first playable characters to be introduced with the Dendro element and there is still only a handful of others though, she feels plenty unique and serves as a great introduction to setting off Dendro elemental reactions from afar with her bow.

Limited-time Event Free Genshin Characters

As mentioned with Collei, another way to unlock some characters is through special events. These have all been fleeting in nature, but have ranged from offering a single character as a reward or giving players the choice between one of many such as with the annual Lantern Rite event.

Version 3.4 will see the return of the latter with Fortuitous Invitation taking place during The Exquisite Night Chimes flagship event. Whether you want a specific character (including a brand-new one with Yaoyao) or a duplicate to raise their constellation levels, players will have a set amount of time to recruit one of the following:

Beidou
Chongyun
Ningguang
Xiangling
Xinyan
Xingqiu
Yanfei
Yun Jin
Yaoyao

GTA Online Fastest Car: The Fastest Cars in GTA Online (2023)

Posted on January 9, 2023 by Noah Hunter

If you are an avid player of GTA Online, chances are you’ll need the fastest car to quickly escape the mayhem you cause. There are hundreds of cars to choose from, with new options consistently being added by Rockstar through regular content updates.

Some of the flashier cars, while cool, might not be the best options in terms of speed. For example, the Deluxo, the car modeled after Back to the Future’s Delorean, while neat, is not a great option for speedy getaways. We’ve got you covered with the fastest cars money can buy in GTA Online.

Principe Deveste Eight

The Deveste Eight is a great choice of a fast car found in GTA Online. It offers a nice, sleek body design that will surely turn heads, while also having the ability to blaze down the roads of Los Santos. The customization and parts can allow you to drastically improve the performance of the Deveste Eight without breaking the bank.

This vehicle can be purchased from the Legendary Motorsport storefront for almost $1.8 million, which makes the Deveste Eight one of the least expensive options on this list. With price comes speed, however, and you will not regret purchasing this car.

Pegassi Torero XO – Fastest Cars in GTA Online

A great choice if you have plenty of cash to spend, the Pegassi Torero XO is a speedy car you will win all sorts of races with. Modeled after the Lamborghini Countach, this car has a classic retro style you’ll love. The performance of the Torero XO is exceptional, with a fantastic set of capabilities.

The Pegassi Torero XO, one of the fastest cars in GTA Online, is available to purchase through Legendary Motorsport for a whopping $2,355,000. In our opinion, there are cheaper options that are better. However, if you’re looking for the classic Countach style, this is well worth the purchase.

BF Weevil Custom

While the BF Weevil Custom might seem like a joke of a car, it actually serves as one of the fastest cars in the entire game. It might not be the most attractive car, but it is extremely speedy and can easily help you evade other players are cops around the map. This is the most recent addition to GTA Online on this list, as it was just added in the latter half of 2022.

You can purchase the BF Weevil Custom through one of the online storefronts, Benny’s Original Motor Works, for just under $1 million. That price is the cheapest you can pay to get one of the fastest cars in GTA Online.

GTA Online Fastest Cars: Invetero Coquette D10

The Coquette D10 is one of the sleekest cars available on this list. It is based on the Chevrolet Corvette, with a slender body and very neat taillights to go alongside it. Additionally, it is one of the fastest cars you can buy in GTA Online. With a frame so low to the ground, the speed you’ll find in this vehicle should be no surprise.

You can purchase this vehicle from Legendary Motorsport through the online storefront. It won’t be a cheap purchase, however, as it will run you up a total of $1.5 million.

Overflod Entity XXR

Next up, the Overflod Entity XXR. This car is modeled after one of the greatest sports cars on the market, the Koenigsegg Agera R. With a brand like Koenigsegg, speed is a given. This is one of the fastest cars in the world of GTA Online, meaning you can easily win countless races with proper handling and control.

Like most other vehicles on this list, this purchase will not be cheap. You’ll need to have a spare $2,305,000 to spend, and that price is without any customization options or additions. To purchase the Overflod Entity XXR, you’ll need to head to Legendary Motorsport’s page.

Grotti X80 Proto – GTA Online Fastest Car

Based off of a Ferrari racecar, it’s fitting that the Grotti X80 Proto makes our list as one of the fastest cars in GTA Online. The X80 Proto features a slim design with a pointed nose, alongside a distinctive low-profile spoiler. You’ll often see Rockstar advertise this vehicle in racing events, which makes sense considering its speed.

The Grotti X80 Proto is the most expensive car on this list, with a ticket price of $2.7 million. There are faster options, such as the BF Weevil Custom, however if you really want the look of luxury and speed, the X80 Proto is the way to go. You can find its listing on Legendary Motorsport.

GTA Online Guide: How to Level Up Faster in GTA Online in 2023

Posted on January 9, 2023 by Noah Hunter

In a game like GTA Online, locating and utilizing ways to level up faster can be quite tricky. It is not exactly easy or clear on how you can quickly earn more RP, as the game just displays how much you will earn for doing certain activities.

From races to missions, there are countless activities in the game that award you RP for completing them. With so many options, which ones benefit you the most? We’ve compiled some of the fastest ways to level up in GTA Online, which should help you to get to the level of your dreams.

Spin the Prize Wheel at the Casino to Level Up Faster – GTA Online

Spinning the wheel at the casino is a fantastic way to level up your character. You can earn up to 15,000 RP, which is some of the easiest and most RP you can earn in a single task. There are five options for RP on the wheel, which range from 2500RP to 15000RP. These options increment in 2500RP, which means you’ll get a considerable amount regardless of the tile you land on.

There are a few downsides to this method, however. The first is that you are only allowed to spin the wheel once a day, which limits the speed at which you can earn RP. Secondly, it is a gamble. There are no guarantees that you will roll RP. However, you have 5 chances to do so, and the odds are slightly in your favor.

Play The Cayo Perico Heist

The Cayo Perico Heist is a fantastic resource for those looking to earn plenty of cash and level up at the same time. This Heist is not cheap, however, which can mean that the build-up to playing it can take a hefty amount of time. To be able to start this heist, follow these steps:

Meet Miguel at the club to receive the mission. He is located all the way inside the club and downstairs. A cutscene with Miguel explaining the mission and proposing it to you will play once you approach his table.
Purchase the Kosatka. The Kosatka is a submarine that you must buy to play through this heist. As you might expect, this is not a cheap purchase whatsoever. The price of the Kosatka Submarine without any additional upgrades is going to run you $2,200,000. Some of the upgrades are quite nice, such as the missiles or onboard vehicles. However, these are not necessary, and you will be just fine using the base version of the Kosatka. This vehicle can be accessed just like the Avenger, another Heist vehicle. You will need to enter the menu and select Services, then navigate to the submarine.
Simply enter the submarine and navigate to the control panel to start the Heist.

After following these steps, you will be able to navigate to the Cayo Perico Heist. We highly recommend that you embark on this mission with a few friends, as it can be quite tricky to navigate towards the end. This Heist will reward you at minimum $1,000,000, with a ceiling of over $4,000,000. Alongside this, you will earn a boatload of RP for each time you complete the mission. After purchasing the Kosatka, setup for Cayo Perico is extremely easy, which means you can run this mission repeatedly to level up quickly after the steep initial investment.

Check GTA Online Weekly Events to Level Up Faster

Rockstar offers events with 2x and 3x multipliers each week. These events are basically double and triple RP, meaning you can earn some serious levels in a short period of time. Some of the missions offered allow you to complete them repeatedly, which means a serious gain of RP could be in the cards.

The one downside with this option is that if you do not like any of the weekly options, you’ll either have to tough it out or wait a whole week for new ones to appear. It depends on how you’d like to spend your time in GTA Online, but If something catches your interest you can earn quite a few levels.

Adversary Mode

Adversary Mode is a great way to level up in GTA Online. One of the better Adversary Mode games you can try is Deadline, which is inspired by Tron. You get to drive around what is basically a Light Cycle, which is super fun. The best part about this is that it grants lots of RP, even if you are last place.

Some of the other racing games that you can find in Adversary Mode offer extremely high amounts of RP as well. The best part about Adversary Mode games is that they do not require a large amount of time, which means a few hours in Adversary Mode could grant you plenty of levels.

Leak Reveals New MacBook Will Have -1 USB Ports

Posted on January 8, 2023 by John Danek

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Leaked specifications of the next-gen Apple MacBook indicate that the company, which has a history of reducing the number of ports on their devices, will take things one step further with the newest model featuring -1 USB ports.

“While I can’t confirm or deny rumors, I wish to remind customers that Apple has long been a pioneer in popularizing seamless, minimalistic design practices,” said Craig Federighi, Senior VP of Software Engineering at Apple. “A decade ago, you all thought you wanted FireWire ports, DVI outputs, and dedicated power buttons on your devices. But Apple showed you what you really want: less of everything. With these latest MacBooks, we’re prepared to go even further than anyone thought possible.”

Followers of the Apple rumor mill expressed frustration at the Cupertino company’s continued over-engineering of less than practical features.

“It appears that Apple’s new MacBook will ship with a cement epoxy compound that users must use to destroy a USB port on another device before the MacBook will turn on,” reported Macrumors.com journalist Ellen Powell. “Apple is basically the serial killer of tech companies. It has single-handedly murdered headphone jacks, Adobe Flash, physical buttons on mobile devices, and countless employees at their Chinese factories. This latest leak is basically equivalent to the creepy, boastful letter the serial killer sends to the police department in the midst of their horrific crime spree. At this rate, in a few years, there will be no USB at all anymore, just Bluetooth. May God help us all.”

The new Macbook’s requirement of destroying a USB port on another device may be the final push longtime customers need to start seeking other options.

“Thank you, Apple, for making my audio interface, printer, and mechanical keyboard completely useless,” mused Stanford senior Ollie Richardson. “Thousands of dollars spent on gear down the drain. And what are my options now? Start using Ubuntu like some goddamned libertarian? I can’t do that, I support age of consent laws and I think Joe Rogan is an idiot, so I’m totally outside of their demographic. I swore I’d never trust a big tech company again after Google eliminated Reader…How little I’ve learned.”

A subsequent product leak suggests that in an effort to reduce users’ stress and anxiety, future Apple Watch models may remove any and all timekeeping functionality.

Somber Family Sits Down Youngest Child to Explain Their Favorite Live Service Game Has Died

Posted on January 8, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

CHICAGO — A family sat down with their youngest child last night to inform him that his favorite live service game has died, sources have confirmed.

“I hate that Aiden has to go through something like this so young, but it’s important that we’re honest with him,” said Chuck Washington, Aiden’s father, when preparing to tell him about the recent announcement made concerning Shoot to Thrill, the abysmally reviewed first person shooter released by Visionarea Games last year. “After we read online that they were going to stop supporting it, we thought about just burying the game in the backyard at first and just having something new for him when he came home, but we decided against it.”

“Plus, how the fuck do you bury a live service game?” he asked. “Literally, I mean. Not the way EA does it.”

Aiden Washington was reportedly inconsolable after receiving the news.

“I knew I wouldn’t get to play it forever, but I just thought we had more time together,” he said through tears, throwing back Capri Suns at the kitchen counter. “It wasn’t a perfect game, it wasn’t even particularly fun, but it was my game, and I loved it. I don’t want another game. I just want to play Shoot to Thrill. It’s not fair!”

Executives from Visionarea Games said that this was an important lesson for young Aiden to learn.

“We’re all very sad to see Shoot to Thrill head to the big server upstate,” said Mike Lillard, director of the excessively buggy shooter. “But sadly, this is just a part of life when you’re really into video games. As this kid grows up he’ll realize that very few releases are able to actually live up to the pressure we put on them to make our lives better. Certainly not with lizards like us behind the wheel making ghastly decisions motivated by short sighted profiteering and nothing more!”

As of press time, Lillard confirmed that the world of Shoot to Thrill would continue to live on in some exciting new NFT project no one could really explain.