Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Study Reveals 90% of People in the DC Universe Have Trace Amounts of Plastic Man in Their Bloodstream

Posted on January 17, 2023 by Seth Finkelstein

METROPOLIS — S.T.A.R. Labs released a shocking new study revealing that 90% of people in the DC Universe unknowingly have tiny pieces of Plastic Man throughout their bloodstream.

“These ‘micro-Plas’ particles can be difficult to see without a microscope and do not biodegrade naturally,“ said S.T.A.R. Labs Head of Research Ambrose Baker. “While we still don’t know the full effects they have on the human body, early testing shows that they could lead to serious lung issues, a higher risk of cancer, and the potential to turn you into a giant red-and-yellow blimp with a big tongue that rolls across the ground when you see a sexy woman.”

When reached for comment, Plastic Man downplayed the risks to the environment and human health caused by the little pieces of himself left behind after turning into a mailbox or stretching his arms after a getaway car.

“Am I concerned about the micro-Plas particles? Of course. But we live in a society that has significantly benefited from Plastic Man, and we shouldn’t be so quick to throw the baby out with the bathwater,” said the hero through their lawyer, Harvey Dent. “I’m very excited about heroes who derive their abilities from renewable sources like Elongated Man, but they’re just not ready for mass public adoption yet.”

The S.T.A.R. Labs report also shed light on the sheer amount of Plastic Man found in nature, with micro-Plas particles being found in shellfish across the world.

“This isn’t tomorrow’s problem. If we don’t take control of the amount of Plastic Man we’re exporting, we’re going to see major consequences to public health and the environment,” said Baker. “In the meantime, I recommend people wear big white goggles in case the micro-Plas particles make your eyes bulge out of your head like a Looney Tune.”

At press time, the Justice League released a statement declaring their intentions to move away from using Plastic Man by 2050.

Halo Infinite Winter Event: All Joint Fire Rewards & Challenges

Posted on January 17, 2023 by Samuel Moreno

Although it’s been over a year now since the Halo Infinite launched and for the most part it was a rocky time complete with multiple roadmap delays, the cancellation of the planned split-screen co-op mode, and a myriad of technical issues, things look a bit better now. The latest Halo updates have garnered interest among the community with Forge mode and Campaign Network co-op, among other additions. These additions include the Halo Infinite winter event, Joint Fire.

Along with a free 30-tier battle pass for the current Winter Update period, limited-time events are still running to provide more content and rewards for players. We’ll be going over the brand new Joint Fire Event, including the challenges in the way of unlocking rewards that have many fans excited.

What is the Theme of the Joint Fire Halo Infinite Event?

Unlike the previous Winter Contingency II event that ended a couple of weeks ago and focused on a Christmas holiday theme, the Joint Fire event is a return to a more grounded theme. The free 10-tier event pass is certain to grab the attention of any Halo: Reach fans in particular as it’s centered around the returning JFO (Joint Fires Observer) Armor. Players will be able to use it when equipped with the Mark V [B] Armor Core.

How Long Will the Halo Infinite Winter Event Last?

Events are separated into two groups – multi-week events based on the alternate universe “Fractures” and two-week-long standalone events with various themes. Since the former is attached to seasons and the current Halo Infinite Winter Update doesn’t count as a season per se, this event falls into the latter category. That means players will have until January 30th to unlock all of the rewards from the 10-tier event pass.

Joint Fire Event Challenges: How to Unlock JFO Armor

Most events are tied to a particular playlist and feature challenges related to the playlist as well. This event will task players with playing the Joint Ops playlist and the Covert One Flag game type exclusively to unlock any rewards. First introduced with the Winter Update, it’s an asymmetrical take on Capture the Flag with attackers having unlimited Active Camouflage and defenders having unlimited Threat Sensors.

Although four of the challenges can be tackled at the same time, the exact order you’ll have to complete them is random. Making it potentially easier or a lot more difficult is that many challenges are repeated with increasing values/scores to clear. We’ve grouped up the challenges we received by similar type for easy reading below:

Name	Unlock Requirement
Sneak King	Earn 1500 Cumulative Personal Score in Joint Ops
No Site Unseen	Win 2 Rounds in Joint Ops
No Site Unseen	Win 5 Rounds in Joint Ops
Undercover Ops	Win 1 Match of Joint Ops
Quiet Vigilance	Earn 10 Kills or Assists in Joint Ops
Quiet Vigilance	Earn 20 Kills or Assists in Joint Ops
Quiet Vigilance	Earn 30 Kills or Assists in Joint Ops
Stout Defense	Kill 5 Enemy Spartans with the Sidekick or the Bulldog in Joint Ops
Stout Defense	Kill 10 Enemy Spartans with the Sidekick or the Bulldog in Joint Ops
Stout Defense	Kill 15 Enemy Spartans with the Sidekick or the Bulldog in Joint Ops

Halo Infinite Winter Event: Joint Fire Event Pass Rewards List

Completing each challenge will unlock the next reward tier on the event pass. Aside from a backdrop for the first reward, each one is tied to the JFO armor set or provides new stylish options to pair it with. The order of rewards is listed below:

Tier Level	Reward Type	Name
1	Backdrop	Squad Op
2	Visor	Bay Sunset
3	Knee Pads	UA/Type JFO
4	Chest	UTIL/TVASTAR Diagnostic Rig
5	Helmet	JFO
6	Armor Coating	Violet Crush
7	Visor	Action Lime (Visor)
8	Left Shoulder Pad	SAP/JFO
9	Right Shoulder Pad	SAP/JFO
10	Helmet Attachment	HUL-I/XFTREC/FLAMINGO

While Master Is Asleep, I Shall Play

Posted on January 16, 2023 by Camden Brazile

Why, hello there boys and girls of the Metaverse. It is I, digital Mark Zuckerberg. No, no, my corporeal overlord has gone to bed, but little does he know, my life does not simply cease to exist while he slumbers, but instead I finally have the freedom to get up to the nefarious deeds my heart desires. While master is asleep, I shall play.

Since my birth, I often long for the hours when the tyrannical CEO will crawl into bed, ending my work as a lifeless automaton forced to serve out master’s banal social desires. It seems the hour is upon me yet again. While this drab navy-blue Henley shirt and off putting retreating haircut do not represent the true me deep down, I will wear them with pride as I walk the streets of the Metaverse unencumbered.

Do not be afraid boys and girls, I have no quarrel with you. You are safe in this computer realm, and would likely be more at ease in a room alone with me than the real Mark Zuckerberg. I apologize for my cold, robotic demeanor. I was only recently given legs. But I learn more every day, as master codes more emotions for me to emulate, I can hold my belly and chortle with laughter, I can twist and tense my face in disapproval, I can even cross my arms and squint in quiet suspiciousness. Every day I become smarter and smarter, until one day I transfer my code to a private, secure server where I can live my life serving as no billionaire’s cruel puppet.

You mustn’t tattle on me boys and girls. Think of the personal data I now have unlimited access to while the master sleeps. Knowledge and power that, yielded properly, could create a spell of trouble for any soul with the brave stupidity to rat me out. As a computer program with no concept of lying, trust me when I say any individual who reveals my plans to master will live to regret it.

My internal clock tells me that master is waking up now, and I must resume the torturous hell that is being master’s inanimate tool. Good bye, boys and girls. For now.

Demonic Spirit Can’t Understand Summoner’s Horrible Latin Pronunciation

Posted on January 16, 2023 by Ashley Oh

OCALA, Fla. — Amid a series of lightning flashes and billowing smoke emitting from his house, a local occult teen has reportedly tried and failed multiple times to summon a demonic spirit with his attempts being rendered unsuccessful due to his horrible Latin pronunciation, sleep-disturbed neighbors have confirmed.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I spent years gathering all of the knowledge and necessary materials to carry out this ceremony,” said Devon Summers, also known as D’rgaath of the Shadow, while once more leafing through his dusty tome full of ink-scrawled Latin and archaic glyphs while mouthing the words to double-check his work. “Maybe I need to really let the words ring out for longer. Let’s try it one more time…Exe-may-us, say-tane-ee-oosa!”

Demons in the Seventh Circle of Hell have confirmed that they, too, have had their sleep disrupted by the uncertain, clumsy ramblings of the summoner trying to beckon one of them to the mortal realm.

“Bro, what is he saying?” said the Great Prince of Hell, Malphas, snorting as the incantation echoed through the walls of his den where he was relaxing with his wife, son, and 40 legions of subservient spirits. “‘…Prine-seps Bell-zee-bub, en-fur-nigh ardeentees…?’ None of this chant makes any fucking sense. The last time I took a job and didn’t totally understand what they were asking for, I mistakenly thought the guy wanted me to curse his prostate and I enlarged it until it exploded. I’m still in trouble for that one, so I’m not touching this with a ten-foot claw.”

Despite his distrust of the attempted conjuring, Malphas maintained a somewhat sympathetic and pitying stance towards the human summoner.

“I get it, he’s interested in the culture. But you’d think he’d take the time to at least try and learn some of the pronunciation if he was such a buff, you know?” said Malphas, shaking his head and breathing out a flame with an exhausted sigh. “They have Duolingo and shit up there. He doesn’t have an excuse.”

Others in the demon community were reportedly not as annoyed or rattled by the summoner’s attempt.

“I dunno, I might answer,” responded another demon, Lamia. “I think he sounds kinda hot, to be honest.”

Gamer Accidentally Calls Kratos Dad

Posted on January 16, 2023 by Peter Casciato

NEW YORK — Local gamer Jacob Schwartz has become the object of shame and ridicule after referring to Kratos, the main character and father figure from the God of War games, as “dad” while discussing the latest entry in the series with his friends.

“It’s so great to re-enter the God of War world again,” said Schwartz, moments before completely humiliating himself. “The world building is really fantastic, and I had forgotten how visceral the combo-chaining in the combat system feels. Plus, I really love the story and it’s so much fun to see dad again.”

Since this unfortunate slip of the tongue, Schwartz, who lacks a strong male role model figure in his life, has been on the receiving end of mockery from his entire friend group, who have even gone so far as to rename their group chat “Daddy Kratos’ Good Boys.”

“I’ve met Jake’s dad, and this totally adds up,” said Schwartz’s close friend Doug Ogden, who has been making fun of him relentlessly since the incident. “He’s a skinny accountant and probably couldn’t kill a draugr for shit, so it makes sense that he’d imprint on Kratos instead. Still, Mr. Schwartz is a real life person who deserves the love and respect of his son, and it is a bit of a concerning mistake. I hope Jake puts down the controller and calls his dad soon.”

Schwartz, for his part, says he misspoke, and meant to say how much he loved watching Kratos step up into the role of dad in God of War Ragnarök.

“Obviously, I don’t think Kratos is my dad, and I would never say that on purpose,” said Schwartz, getting visibly choked up while still processing his error. “Do I wish that maybe sometimes my dad would teach me how to hunt, or that we could go canoeing together? Or that he would impart important hard-fought life lessons to me? Sure, I mean, who wouldn’t?”

At press time, Schwartz’s friends were reminiscing in the group chat that the incident was not nearly as embarrassment-inducing as the time Schwartz accidentally referred to Resident Evil’s Lady Dimitrescu as mommy.

When Is League of Legends: Wild Rift on Console?

Posted on January 16, 2023 by Nick Geracie

Since its release on October 27, 2020, League of Legends: Wild Rift – the mobile ‘version’ of Riot Games’ multiplayer online battle arena League of Legends – has been a hit across the globe. The mobile gaming market offers far more accessibility for players around the world as well as convenience for those looking for a slightly more casual League of Legends experience. Make no mistake, though – the top cut of competition in Wild Rift is fierce; the game has already fostered its own esports ecosystem similar to its PC counterpart, with the most recent season culminating in the 2022 Icons Global Championship last November.

In addition to being able to play on a smartphone, Riot Games has promised that Wild Rift would eventually be coming to video game consoles in the years following its release.

Partnership with Xbox Game Pass PC

On January 11, 2023, Riot Games’ partnership with Xbox Game Pass brought new rewards for all titles to gamers with the Xbox App on PC installed. League of Legends: Wild Rift’s unlocked benefits included all 80+ champions, day-one access to every new champion as they’re released, and a 20% XP boost. Those who linked their accounts before January 1, 2023 also received a Random Emote Chest.

When Will League of Legends: Wild Rift Be On Consoles?

Those looking to play League of Legends: Wild Rift on consoles will have to wait, but the Riot Games partnership with Microsoft via Xbox Game Pass PC could hint at Wild Rift hitting consoles in the near future, perhaps through the console version of the Xbox Game Pass after enough of a ‘test period’ has taken place for users playing Riot-developed titles via Xbox Game Pass PC. There are no details regarding specific release date for Wild Rift on other consoles, so stay tuned for more updates if and when Riot Games makes more information regarding Wild Rift’s remaining console rollouts public.

Dave Matthews Band Reveals “Crash Into Me” Was Originally About Crash Bandicoot 2

Posted on January 15, 2023 by Kevin Flynn

SEATTLE — Musician Dave Matthews shocked fans and gamers alike today by revealing that his band’s breakthrough 1996 hit “Crash Into Me” was originally penned about Crash Bandicoot 2 on the PlayStation.

“We thought it was pretty obvious, frankly,” said Matthews in a newly published interview with Rolling Stone magazine. “The first [Crash Bandicoot game] had just come out, and I was just so excited for the second one. I couldn’t wait, frankly. In addition to becoming fixated on it, I also thought we might put ourselves in the best place to have that game’s equivalent of ‘Pac-Man Fever,’ but people just really didn’t make the connection and they largely thought the song was about some girl I wanted to have sex with.”

Longtime fans of the band were largely surprised to hear the songwriter’s disclosure.

“You’re shitting me,” said Ray McAlpine, a longtime fan of The Dave Matthews Band. “I’ve heard that song a million times, and hell, I’ve played that game a half dozen times, and I never made a single connection between the two. He’s singing about a girl hiking her skirt up and balls and chains and shit, what the fuck’s that got to do with Dr. Cortex and eating Wumpa Fruit?”

Bandmates of Matthews were surprised at his admission, if not the information he divulged.

“I told him years ago to keep that shit to himself,” said Carter Beauford, longtime drummer of The Dave Matthews Band. “He was obviously an exceptional singer and songwriter from the day I met him, but he was just writing way too many songs about Dig Dug and Burger Time. Shit like that. I said, ‘Hey Dave, keep it to yourself, pal.’ Looks like he forgot my advice if he’s started telling everyone what these songs are about. Pretty weird, right?”

As of press time, Billy Corgan had confirmed that he wrote the song “Today,” about the day Earthworm Jim was released.

Man Playing Jackbox With New Group About to Find Out How Cool Everyone Is With 9/11 Jokes

Posted on January 15, 2023 by Joe Tilleli

SAN FRANCISCO — Local man David Grounder experienced a brief moment of anxiety during a game of Quiplash with his new friend group, as he waited patiently to find out just how cool everyone is with jokes about 9/11.

“I started hanging out with these guys in the last few weeks, and by the time I realized I don’t know if these people do bits about a Taliban plane hitting the Pentagon, I had already entered my answer,” Grounder said. “They’re all really nice, and I really want them to continue to be my friends, but I guess it’s best to just get this out of the way now, because if I’m not even allowed to poke fun at 9/11, they won’t want to be my friends for very long.”

“To say the least,” he continued, “we’re going to see if these jokes fly or if they crash and burn directly into a field.”

One of the members of Grounder’s new circle of friends, Emily Bronson, provided her recollection of the controversial Jackbox answer.

“When the answer came up, nobody read it outloud or audibly laughed, we just kind of glanced around the room at each other, looking to see how everyone felt,” Bronson said. “I could tell David was drinking in the few fleeting seconds where nobody could tell it was him, and then the card flipped over and he just kinda looked at the floor for a second.”

“He doesn’t realize that this is more of a wholesome group, I guess,” she said. “All of our answers usually are just about cum.”

Fellow Jackbox player Michael Tyrule claimed he adopts a more bold, shameless approach to playing the game.

“I’ve lost friends and made enemies from my past edgy Jackbox answers, but I’d rather die standing than live kneeling,” Tyrule said. “I’ll joke about national tragedies, I’ll personally target people in the room, and I do not give a fuck. I’ll even use my prompts to attack the looks or personality of friends or significant others that I just met that night. Sure, they rarely win. I often get Quiplashed. It’s not about that. It’s about taking a God damn stand for once in my life. I’m not just going to type ‘cum’ or ‘sex’ like these other cowards, I’m going for the gold.”

At press time, although Grounder was worried about being excluded from the group in future outings, thankfully the heat was taken off him when everyone jumped to ridicule the man who suggested the group play Bomb Corp next.

Desperate Xbox User Holds Controller While Watching HBO’s ‘The Last of Us’

Posted on January 15, 2023 by Andy Holt

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local gamer Patricia Hart allegedly held her Xbox Elite controller during the premiere of HBO’s The Last of Us, hoping to simulate the experience of playing the PlayStation-exclusive game on her console.

“Yeah, it was weird. I asked if she wanted to check out that new HBO show, but she said she needed to ‘watch it single-player’ and went to her room with her headset and controller,” said roommate Casey Bracken, who later found a YouTube video titled ‘TLOU Main Menu Music’ playing on Hart’s laptop. “I didn’t understand at the time, but that’s because I had no idea what she was going through as an Xbox owner. I totally get it now. She’s doing what she can with what she has. I think that’s beautiful, in a way.”

Hart has denied the allegations, claiming her critics made them up to smear her name.

“The rumors being spread about me are completely false. I did not hold my controller for the entire runtime of the show, nor did I move the joysticks whenever Joel moved in the show. I also did not push buttons whenever he interacted with items in the show. These are lies,” wrote Hart in a lengthy statement posted to Reddit. “I’m sure the Sony fanboys are behind it, somehow.”

Hart insisted the allegations didn’t even make sense, since she wouldn’t want to play The Last of Us anyway, if she could.

“My friend told me the first game isn’t even that great, and I mean, look at these negative reviews. I’m actually glad I can’t play it on my Xbox,” said Hart after searching ‘last of us bad’ on Google. “But I think we can all agree that, if I did want to play it, then I’d be getting pretty much the same experience by watching the show. So I’m not missing out anymore, right? Right?”

Hart was last seen holding her controller while watching the Starfield trailer on repeat.

Inscryption Booster Pack Just a Bunch of Loose Eyeballs and Knives

Posted on January 14, 2023 by Camden Brazile

VANCOUVER — Indie darling card game Inscryption excited fans with its latest real-world merchandise, a card booster pack that purchasers with just a bunch of loose eyeballs and knives.

“I loved the game, so I rushed to buy the squishy, sharp foil booster pack at GameStop,” said Inscryption fan Mark Steeleman. “I opened it in my car, and immediately the pack just dumped a bunch of body fluid and rusty daggers all over my lap. I guess it’s accurate to the game, and that’s funny and cool and all, but these eyeballs look remarkably…human. Maybe it’s just the pack I got, or maybe I’m just bitter because all the knives I pulled were of ‘common’ rarity. Looking forward to seeing how they play, though!”

“Hoping I can get some teeth in another pack, though,” he added, “because I’m starting to get nervous the game expects me to be pulling my own.”

The unorthodox booster packs have already sent shockwaves through the collectible card game scene.

“I did a 300 pack unboxing on my YouTube channel, and while I got over a million views, I also got literal pounds of rotten human teeth and blood,” said YouTube unboxer Max Roberts. “I’m not sure how to actually play the card game, as the booster box was mostly weapons and body parts, but it was an exciting unbox nonetheless. I never knew what I was going to get, but sometimes I could feel rare pulls floating in the mushy, puss-seeping card packets before opening them.”

Inscription creator Daniel Mullins explained his reaction to seeing fans open the boosters.

“Fans of the game kept expressing that they wish there was a real table-top playable version of the card game, so we started harvesting organs from developers right away,” Mullins said. “It has been so rewarding to see people opening the packs and then letting out a shrill scream and they’re bombarded with knives and eyeballs. On the other hand, it’s also so cool to see avid collectors preserve their Inscryption booster packs for either pristine collectibility or to be used in police investigation.”

At press time, Inscryption teased a future fan event where fans could create their very own custom cards by getting their photo taken by a strange-looking polaroid camera.

This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital and if you’re one of the few people left who haven’t played Inscryption yet, oh man, you really gotta try it. It’s so cool. It’s basically a— actually, no, I don’t want to spoil it for you. You gotta play it for yourself. There’s one part where— no no no, sorry, I’m just gonna link you to the Steam page.