Persona 3 Portable Male Protagonist Romance Options Guide

Persona 3 Portable adds a new layer to its predecessor’s story and gameplay: a second protagonist joins the fray, and with her, an expanded selection of romance routes becomes available. While your choice of protagonist won’t affect any major gameplay elements, it will most certainly impact who you get to smooch in Persona 3’s colorful array of Social Links. Here’s a guide to all of romance options for Makoto, Persona 3 Portable‘s male protagonist!

Persona 3 Portable: Romance Guide For Makoto Yuki (Male Protagonist)

Makoto, the male protagonist, & his romance options in Persona 3 Portable.

Like Kotone, Makoto has a total of seven different routes, each corresponding to a different female character. Sadly, it is not possible to romance male characters (not even explicitly bisexual Ryoji) when playing as him. If you’re looking for a good gay romance option in the series, try Jun Kurosu in Persona 2.

Here are the basic requirements for each of Makoto’s potential love interests: Yuko, Chihiro, Fuuka, Yukari, Mitsuru, Aigis, and Elizabeth.

Yuko Nishiwaki

Yuko, one of the male protagonist romance options in Persona 3 Portable.

Arcana: Strength

Most of the Social Links for supporting characters tend to be simple; you won’t be frantically tracking down conversational flags for Yuko (sorry, Akihiko). Many of her dialogue options will allow you to gain affection points, making her Social Link relatively easy to max out. Just be nice about kids, and you’re golden.

Chihiro Fushimi

Chihiro, one of the male protagonist romance options in Persona 3 Portable.

Arcana: Justice

Miss Student Council Treasurer has a few required flags for starting her Social Link. You’ll need to speak with Chihiro three times when she isn’t occupied with Council duties, and choose the following options when prompted… 

  • First encounter: “I want to talk…”
  • Second encounter: “I’m male.”
  • Third encounter: Either “Hello.” or “Let’s walk home together.”

Once you’ve broken the ice, you’re all set to initiate the Social Link itself. Thankfully, there are no route-freezing dialogue choices to be found here; one tip to keep in mind, however, is that Chihiro favors a slower approach. Be patient, and don’t rush your budding romance with any kissing or hand holding until the time is right.

Fuuka Yamagishi – Persona 3 Portable Male Romance Guide

Arcana: The Priestess

In the original Persona 3, the protagonist would need to have a maxed-out Courage skill to initiate Fuuka’s route; thankfully, in Persona 3 Portable, you’ll only need to reach Courage level two, “Ordinary”, to get the ball rolling.

Fuuka is a naturally polite, shy, and anxious person with little self-esteem; despite her incredible talents with technology, she insists she isn’t good at much of anything. Try encouraging her hobby pursuits, and keep in mind that her history of being bullied at school makes her particularly sensitive to harsh criticism. With this in mind, you’ll be just fine.

Yukari Takeba

Arcana: The Lovers

Good luck getting Yukari to even look at you — to get with her, you’ll need the maxed-out Charm rank “Charismatic”. Once you’re there, you can then initiate her Social Link (and try to win her over with your very charismatic swagger).

While occasionally blunt and even a bit prickly, Yukari is a bright and compassionate person with a penchant for cuteness. Sometimes, the best thing to do is challenge her when she says things she doesn’t mean in the heat of the moment. Most of all, she needs your support to face the burden of truth — there are some situations where you can’t avert your eyes, even when it would be easier to turn away. As long as you keep her best interest in mind, you’ll have a smooth ride.

Persona 3 Portable Romance Guide: Mitsuru Kirijo

Arcana: The Empress

Mitsuru suffers no fools. If you want to date her, you’ll first need to hit the maximum rank in Academics, “Genius”. It’s little wonder why: Mitsuru herself is a responsible, orderly person with a tendency to fuss over her friends in a motherly way. As the leader of SEES, she takes her duties very seriously.

The leader’s crown is heavy, though — Mitsuru often takes on too much, and worse, insists on carrying her burdens alone. Remind her that even the smartest, most capable people need a hand sometimes, and offer her yours. 

Aigis

Arcana: Aeon*

Unlike most other Social Links, Aigis has no dialogue options in her Rank I event. From Rank II onward, though, try to consider Aigis’ feelings about her own humanity, and help her find purpose in living. She’s a bit out of touch with social situations, and may seem overzealous in her urge to protect you, but her unwavering sincerity is exactly what makes her so charming.

*“Aeon” is an alternate version of the Major Arcana card Judgment. It was first created in 1938 by Aleister Crowley as part of his Thoth tarot deck, and later painted by Lady Frieda Harris.

Elizabeth – Persona 3 Portable Male Romance Options

Arcana: N/A

Elizabeth has a non-standard romance route, requiring the player to complete certain requests in lieu of traditional dates and dialogue prompts. These requests are predominantly challenges to be completed in Tartarus, the game’s main dungeon, though some may require you to forge specific weapons and Personas.

You’ll need to complete Request #55 in order to unlock Elizabeth’s final romance events. Good luck — it’s a toughie!

Once you’ve done that, however, it’s smooth sailing. Just escort Elizabeth on various dates until she eventually asks to visit your room. It’s pretty straightforward from there.

The Persona 3 Portable reboot will be out for release on this coming Thursday, January 19th. Grab your sweetheart of choice, and good luck — or rather, burn your dread!

Playing as the female protagonist? Check out our female protagonist Persona 3 Portable romance guide!

Persona 3 Portable Female Protagonist Romance Options Guide

Persona 3 Portable adds a new layer to its predecessor’s story and gameplay: a second protagonist joins the fray, and with her, an expanded selection of romance routes becomes available. While your choice of protagonist won’t affect any major gameplay elements, it will most certainly impact who you get to smooch in Persona 3’s colorful array of Social Links. Here’s a complete guide to the Persona 3 Portable female romance options!

Persona 3 Portable: Romance Options For Kotone (Female Protagonist)

A Persona 3 Portable Romance guide for the female protagonist, Kotone.

With a total of seven routes, including two with women, there’s something for everyone in Kotone’s Social Link options. Below you’ll find basic information about the requirements for each of Kotone’s eight potential love interests: Akihiko, Shinjiro, Ken, Ryoji, Aigis, Theodore, and Elizabeth.

Persona 3 Portable Female Romance Guide: Akihiko Sanada

Arcana: The Star

Akihiko’s Social Link requires a level four Charm skill (Queen Bee) to initiate, so be sure to level that up as you go. He also has very specific, easily-missable flags for certain conversations in his Social Link that can lock you out of his route if you don’t choose carefully. They are as follows…

  • Rank IV: Akihiko catches wind of a rumor that you may be dating someone else. Clarify that you aren’t, and when Akihiko says “Oh, no, it was just a rumor I heard. Sorry.”, choose the third dialogue option: “Don’t get the wrong idea, Senpai.”
  • Rank V: Over dinner, Akihiko asks, “Do you think I’m… strange?” Choose “You’re charming.”
  • Rank VIII: On the Gekkou High rooftop, Akihiko will say “… It’s the weirdest thing.” Give him a reality check by choosing the last dialogue option, “You’re in love.”

Other than that, the way to Akihiko’s heart is fairly straightforward. While he may seem cool-headed and put-together at first glance, Akihiko can be charmingly awkward where romance is concerned — you have to put the moves on him, or he just won’t take the hint.

Shinjiro Aragaki – P3P Female Protagonist Romance Guide

Arcana: The Moon

Unlike Akihiko’s route, Shinjiro’s is much easier to do correctly — his Social Link will advance automatically until you reach Rank X, at which point you’ll need to find and deliver his pocketwatch from the Iwatodai Police Station.

Finally, in order to “spend some time alone with Shinjiro”, you’ll want to do his optional event on Friday, October 2nd (via the in-game calendar system). It’s very straightforward from there; just make sure you stay with him, and don’t fall for his attempts to scare you away. Go get that boy! And make him take a shower, while you’re at it.

Ken Amada

Arcana: Justice

Unfortunately, 12-year-old Ken Amada has an optional romantic Social Link with Kotone. The most charitable way to read this route is to view it as a one-sided crush, but be warned that the protagonist’s dialogue options, especially from Rank VII onward, is likely to be uncomfortable for many players.

If you would like to avoid a romance with Ken, you can choose either of the following options in the first prompt during his Rank VII conversation…

  • “I have one.”
  • “Who cares about stuff like that!”

To progress further, you will need to make the following choices in your Rank VII conversation…

  • First prompt: “Unfortunately, I don’t have one.”
  • Second prompt: “He’s right in front of me.”
  • Third prompt: “Not at all.”

Persona 3 Female Protagonist Romance Guide: Ryoji Mochizuki

Ryoji, one of the female protagonist romance options in Persona 3 Portable.

Arcana: Fortune

With the most tricky and time-consuming romance route by far, Ryoji eludes many players during their first playthrough. Don’t let him be the one that got away — be sure to spend time with him whenever he asks! As a general rule of thumb, if you think you’ve spent enough time with Ryoji, you haven’t. There is no such thing as spending too much time with Ryoji. You will forfeit all of your time and material possessions to Ryoji, and you will like it.

The following conditions apply for maxing out Ryoji’s Social Link…

  • While his Rank I and II events occur automatically, you will need to talk to Ryoji after school and agree to spend time with him to unlock Rank III. Be sure to do this as soon as possible, otherwise you will be locked out of the rest of the route.
  • When Ryoji asks to spend some time together during the school trip to Kyoto, join him.
  • At Rank IV, Ryoji will ask about meeting up on November 22nd. Accept the invitation, and you will automatically advance to Rank VI and VII.
  • As long as you’ve spent time with Ryoji at all previous opportunities, you will be invited to your next date with him on November 29th. Go for it!
  • Following your date on the 29th, be sure to spend time with Ryoji after school, or you will be locked out of the route at Rank VIII.
  • If you have followed these instructions perfectly, you will automatically proceed to Rank X.

Aigis – Persona 3 Portable Female Romance Guide

Arcana: Aeon*

Unlike most other Social Links, Aigis has no dialogue options in her Rank I event. From Rank II onward, though, try to consider Aigis’ feelings about her own humanity, and help her find purpose in living. She’s a bit out of touch with social situations, and may seem overzealous in her urge to protect you, but her unwavering sincerity is exactly what makes her so charming.

*“Aeon” is an alternate version of the Major Arcana card Judgment. It was first created in 1938 by Aleister Crowley as part of his Thoth tarot deck, and later painted by Lady Frieda Harris.

Persona 3 Portable Female Romance Options: Theodore or Elizabeth

Arcana: N/A

You wouldn’t download a partner… or would you?

At the end of your introductory conversation with Igor in the Velvet Room, he will remind you that he mentioned a second person residing there. He then asks, “When you think of this person, what do you see?”, to which you can respond…

  • “Is it a man?”, which unlocks Theodore.
  • “I think it’s a woman.”, which unlocks Elizabeth.

Both Theodore and Elizabeth have non-standard romance routes, requiring the player to complete certain requests in lieu of traditional dates and dialogue prompts. These requests are predominantly challenges to be completed in Tartarus, the game’s main dungeon, though some may require you to forge specific weapons and Personas.

You’ll need to complete Request #55 in order to unlock both Theodore and Elizabeth’s romance events. Good luck — it’s a toughie!

Once you’ve done that, however, it’s smooth sailing. Just escort your Velvet Room attendant of choice on various dates until they eventually ask to visit your room. Do note, however, that while Theodore’s ending is fairly straightforward, Elizabeth’s is somewhat obtuse — when Elizabeth asks “What am I to you?”, be sure to reply with a very passionate “……” so you can “spend some time alone” together.

Playing as the male protagonist? Check out our guide on romances as the male protagonist!

Stock Redbubble Model Blissfully Unaware He’s Modeling Dumbest Shirt Ever Made

FULTON, Mo. — Redbubble browsers were reportedly disheartened after realizing that Redbubble model Ryan Jamieson was blissfully unaware of the fact his image was being used to model the dumbest shirt ever made.

“I’m so glad I booked this stock modeling gig, it’ll be so cool to be the default model of such a big website!” Jamieson said, completely ignorant to the fact that his body was wearing a shirt of Rick Sanchez as the Heath Ledger Joker. “I bet I’ll get to see all sorts of cool art and indie designs on t-shirts, and this will have a no-downsides impact on the future of my modeling career. I’m sure nobody would bother uploading something stupid and heinous like say, a bad PNG of Ben Shapiro’s face stretched across a miniskirt, or the Squid Games girl robot decked out in Supreme gear.”

Redbubble CEO Michael Ilcyznski expressed his sorrow about the situation.

“It’s always difficult seeing the smile on our model’s faces as they inevitably will be used to wear the most hackneyed designs on the web,” Ilcyznski said. “I just wish there was some way to warn them, but they seem so happy, so we let them continue to live in blissful ignorance, oblivious to the fact people can easily see them donning a Dwight Schrute crop top. But what’s more devastating: the beautiful lie, or the ugly truth? If you were all over the internet in a head-to-toe bodysuit of Mario smoking weed out of a mushroom pipe, would you want to know? That’s right. I didn’t think so.”

At press time, Jamieson was reportedly celebrating a recent purchase of one of his photos, which unbeknownst to him was being used for an article about how men have been reduced to pathetic beta-males.

New Tetris Game Features NPC Who Constantly Tells You Where to Drop the Pieces

TOKYO — Sony Interactive Entertainment’s new game Tetris: Beginnings brings a new twist to the classic puzzle game’s formula by introducing an NPC who provides constant hints on where the pieces should go.

“We’ve developed a more cinematic Tetris experience. You’re not just placing tetrominoes in Tetris: Beginnings, you’re also helping Ris, the young bricklayer prophesied to save the Seven Shape Kingdoms, discover his hidden destiny,” said CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment Jim Ryan. “The relationship between Ris and the player is symbiotic. He’ll say stuff like ‘Huh, it seems like you can rotate that block,’ or, ‘That L-shaped block might fit in that L-shaped gap,’ making him indispensable in your quest together.

Critics have praised the game’s narrative, with special attention being paid to the way it pushes video game storytelling forward by featuring a character who gives you hints without you asking for them and with no way to disable them.

Tetris: Beginnings pulls a risky move marrying the traditional puzzler with a cinematic, AAA backdrop, but it works better than expected,” read Margot Stevens’ review for Electronic Gaming Online. “The dialogue crackles, and every ‘Watch out! Another piece is falling!’ from Ris makes him feel like a fully realized, life-like character.”

Sony is staying quiet about the possibility of a sequel, but strong sales make it inevitable that the publisher will return to the Seven Shape Kingdoms sooner rather than later.

“We’re so happy fans have enjoyed meeting Ris and discovering our new take on Tetris,” said Ryan. “As far as what the future holds, well, it’s just like Ris says: ‘I wonder if another block is about to fall?’”

At press time, Mark Harmon of N.C.I.S fame had just been nominated for a Saturn Award for his performance in Tetris: Beginnings as the Elder Tetris Block featured in a memorable scene where you walk behind him as he talks for 10 minutes.

Fire Emblem Engage New Game Plus Guide: Can You Play NG+?

The newest Fire Emblem game, named Fire Emblem Engage, is coming out soon, but fans are wondering if it will provide New Game Plus or other forms of post-game content. For a new game that provides a more combat-focused game than its socially-focused predecessor Fire Emblem Three Houses, post-game content like a New Game Plus game mode is common. 

For those who aren’t familiar with it, a New Game Plus is common in role-playing games, allowing players to keep the progress they’ve acquired over the course of the game while replaying the story against tougher enemies. This is a compromise that allows players to keep all of their progress, while experiencing the game all over again.

Does Fire Emblem Engage have New Game Plus mode?

Fire Emblem Engage does not have a New Game Plus mode on launch, despite previous games in the franchise including this. This mode normally keeps players invested in what they’ve developed over the course of the game while adding more replayability and challenge. For a game more focused on combat than in the recent past, the lack of a New Game Plus is a surprise.

As of release, the game has some post-game content, revolving around replaying specific missions. But, if a player wants to play through the story again soon after release, they will have to play from scratch.

However, just because it isn’t in at launch, doesn’t mean it can’t be added. There is an opportunity for the developers at Intelligent Systems to add some more post-game content in the future. Whether it comes in a patch or as DLC, there is a chance that more post-game content can be added to Fire Emblem Engage.

Whether it comes or not, as of release, Fire Emblem Engage does not have a New Game Plus mode.

Call of Duty MW2 & Warzone 2 Season 2 Release Date

Activision has delayed the release of Modern Warfare 2 and Warzone 2’s second season, having gone on record on social media to let their players know about MW2 & Warzone 2 Season 2 release date. Judging from the announcement made, it looks like the developers have been paying attention to feedback from players and are keen to make sure they implement changes.

“Our studio teams have been making several changes based on what we have heard from our player community”

Also promised in the announcement is plenty of new content, the confirmation of rumors surrounding Resurgence making a return, ranked play for MW2, and a new map for Warzone 2.0. Players and pros alike are piping up in response, clearly keen to see some of these changes made with priority to help save the current dwindling game state: 

Warzone 2 & MW2: When Does Season 2 Start? (Season 2 Release Date)

Call of Duty MW2 & Warzone 2 Season 2’s release date is confirmed as February 15, 2023, and will see the addition of new multiplayer maps, new modes, weapons, and “much more”. Infinity Ward is also planning on showing more details about the upcoming changes in a “deep-dive studio blog” due next week, with no exact confirmed date yet.

Most notably here for Warzone 2 players, Season 2 is apparently looking to include some updates to the gulag, looting, and loadouts. Fixes to loadouts are of particular potential worth, given the recent bugs that have plagued players trying to save their own blueprints since Season 1 Reloaded began.

GTA Online Gun Van Location January 20: Where is the Gun Van?

GTA Online’s Gun Van has found itself in a new location today, January 20, allowing players to get their hands on some of the strongest weapons available. It’s also currently the only place to get your hands on the powerful Railgun anti-aircraft weapon, along with arsenal mainstays like the RPG, Heavy Sniper, and various explosives. 

As with each week, the Gun Van will visit a different part of San Andreas, and it’s up to players to seek it out, as Ammu-Nation no longer stock a number of key weapons on offer here. If you’re not keen on hunting for the map yourself and looking for the exact location for this week, we’ve got you covered.

GTA Online: Where is the Gun Van Location Today? (January 20)

The GTA Online Gun Van location as of January 20.

 

This week, as of January 20, the Gun Van location can be found at the north end in La Mesa, close to the auto shop. This is closer to the main city of Los Santos than yesterday’s more remote location. Hopefully, though, the van is still easy to find!

GTA Online Gun Van Stock List

Image via Twitter @TezFunz2

If you’re looking to splash out and get your hands on the exclusive Railgun or some other heavy hitters, here’s everything you can expect to find for sale at the Gun Van:

  • Knife
  • Baseball Bat
  • Assault Shotgun
  • SMG
  • Assault Rifle
  • Compact EMP launcher
  • Combat Shotgun
  • Railgun
  • RPG
  • Heavy Sniper
  • Molotov
  • Proximity Mine
  • Grenade
  • Body Armor

The stock hasn’t changed since last week, but that’s to be expected given we’re just in week two of the Railgun’s player-wide release. However, we could see Rockstar eventually switching up what’s on offer in order to balance things out, or to introduce further new weapons to the game.

Keep an eye on this guide to find the daily Gun Van location!

Persona 3 Portable Class Answers: All Classroom & Exam Answers

As a part of the Persona anniversary celebration, Atlus is finally launching Persona 3 Portable on modern platforms! There has been a massive demand for this title to make its way to current hardware for years, as it was previously locked away exclusively on the PSP. Now, it’s finally here, and one of the key things you’ll need to navigate the game are the Persona 3 Portable classroom & exam answers.

For newcomers to the game or even the series, navigating through P3P for the first time can be a challenge. This is especially true when you find yourself with questions in class. As with each game in the Persona series, you are a student who attends class and has a school life.

Naturally, playing through this day-to-day life means you are going to be called upon to answer questions by teachers at the school. Most of these questions you will be left clueless with, but don’t fret! We’ve got you covered with both the Persona 3 Portable classroom answers and exam answers.

All Persona 3 Portable Classroom Answers

April Classroom Answers

  • April 8 – Utsubo Kubota [2nd Option]
  • April 18 – Mud Huts [1st Option]
  • April 27 – 6000 Years Ago [2nd Option]

May

  • May 6 – Soft Water [2nd Option]
  • May 13 – 1700 km/hr [3rd Option]
  • May 15 – Bread [1st Option]

June Class Answers

  • June 15 – “And…” [2nd Option]
  • June 17 – Shamanism [3rd Option]
  • June 22 – Jellyfish [3rd Option]
  • June 25 – Dowsing [1st Option]
  • June 29 – It Can Go Either Way [3rd Option]

July

  • July 3 – The Global Heritage Pavilion [2nd Option]
  • July 8 – “I failed, It’s over now.” [2nd Option]
  • July 9 – Kondan Einen Shizaihou [2nd Option]
  • July 10 – Kabbalah [3rd Option]
  • July 11 – Imperial Prince [2nd Option]

Persona 3 Portable Classroom Answers: September

  • September 1 – Superconductivity [1st Option]
  • September 10 – Gochisou-sama [3rd Option]
  • September 11 – The Hermetica [3rd Option]
  • September 14 – Can’t let other produce [2nd Option]
  • September 26 – The Tetractys [3rd Option]

October – All P3P Classroom Answers

  • October 7 – To excite the audience [1st Option]
  • October 19 – Fourteen [2nd Option]
  • October 22 – By fermenting them [2nd Option]
  • October 23 – Madam Blavatsky [2nd Option]
  • October 26 – Wristwatch [3rd Option]
  • October 29 – Lactase [3rd Option]

November Class Answers

  • November 7 – Winter mornings are pleasant [1st Option]
  • November 12 – The Upanishads [1st Option]
  • November 30 – They did both [3rd Option]

December Classroom Answers (P3P)

  • December 7 – Ozone [1st Option]
  • December 11 – Cacti [1st Option]
  • December 21 – Kido [2nd Option]
  • December 22 – Euphoria [1st Option]

Persona 3 Class Answers (January)

  • January 8 – It’s wrong. [2nd Option]
  • January 18 – Circe [2nd Option]

All Persona 3 Portable Exam Answers

All exam answers in Persona 3 Portable.

Exam 1: May 18 – May 23

  • How would you translate “pan” in English? – Bread [4th Option]
  • How fast does the Earth rotate near the equator? – Faster than sound [1st Option]
  • What’s the name for water high in calcium and magnesium? – Hard Water [1st Option]
  • Where is the Kitora Tomb located? – Nara [3rd Option]

Persona 3 Portable Exam Answers – Exam 2: July 14 – July 17

  • What form of natural magic was used to find water sources? – Dowsing [2nd Option]
  • Some Europeans call this creature “devilfish” and refuse to eat it – Octopus [2nd Option]
  • Who established the Kamakura shogunate? – Minamoto No Yoritomo [2nd Option]
  • Which is an example of a comma splice? – I went, I learned [1st Option]

Exam 3: October 13 – October 16

  • What is the number one source of stress for women? – Husbands [1st Option]
  • Who founded numerology? – Moses [1st Option]
  • What is superconductivity? – Zero electrical resistance [2nd Option]
  • The Ohnin War was one of the two incidents that triggered the Sengoku era. Which was the other? – Coup of Meiou [3rd Option]

Exam 4: December 14 – December 18 (Persona 3 Portable Exam Answers)

  • What year did the Battle of Dan-no-ura begin? – 1185 [3rd Option]
  • Which element is found in ozone? – Oxygen [4th Option]
  • Which rule relates to Lorentz Force? – Left-hand rule [1st Option]
  • Translate the following: “Fuyu wa tsutomete.” – Winter mornings are pleasant [3rd Option]
  • Which plurals is formed correctly? – Cacti [4th Option]

Review: ‘Genital Jousting’ Fails to Capture the Very Real and Intense Sport It Is Based On

As a gamer and an athlete, my favorite genre of video games is sports games. From Madden to FIFA, I love how video games recreate the feeling of playing a sport in the digital world, translating each and every nuance into something everybody can enjoy. That’s why, as a professional Genital Jouster, I was extremely excited to discover that, in 2018, developer Free Lives and publisher Devolver Digital released a video game based on my beloved pastime called Genital Jousting. I was quickly dismayed, however, to discover that the game fails to capture the aspects of the real sport of Genital Jousting in any way. 

The real life Genital Jousting isn’t some colorful joke. It’s a very passionate sport that involves two penised-people, fully erect, charging at each other at full speed, trying to knock their foe onto the ground. It’s extremely intense and strategic — it requires the jouster to be in tip-top shape physically, mentally, and penisly. And my family has been participating internationally in this sport for nearly 200 years! I take Genital Jousting very seriously, as all competitors do, which is why I’m known around the world as The Stinger, for my extremely small, but powerful, penis that my enemies find difficult to take down. This is my life and I was excited to see it brought to the masses in the form of video games.

But the Devolver game Genital Jousting seems to take absolutely no inspiration from the real life sport played by dozens worldwide, aside from the inclusion of penises. First of all, aesthetically, the game is all over the place. I’m willing to let artists take artistic liberties, but in real life, Genital Jousting is not bright and colorful — it is played primarily in a field, in the dark of night so as to not alert authorities. There are also quite notably humans (and in one occasion, a very intelligent dog) attached to these penises. They’re not just roaming around on their own in little costumes.

This type of formation may be common in Genital Jousting afterparties but would NEVER be seen in an actual competition.

Most importantly, though, the penises in the real life sport of Genital Jousting are ALWAYS erect. How can you joust genitals with a floppy piece? It would be like if you participated in non-genital Horse Jousting with pool noodles! It’s absolutely ridiculous and insulting. The single player story is completely unrelatable to someone who ACTUALLY (genital) jousts in the REAL WORLD because I feel no connection to this complete fantasy. This is not what my sport has ever looked like and the challenges of this game do not represent the very complex challenges I face in my real life, such as evading the law, bruises in my pelvic region, and strategizing my run to perfectly place my erect penis into my opponent in order to knock them down. 

Ultimately, it is just disappointing to see. Free Lives and Devolver Digital could have had something really special in their hands to play with, but instead they’re just jerking us around with this joke game that has nothing to do with the real Genital Jousting. If someone was willing to take the precision of a game like FIFA and apply it to the penis-based sport that I love, it would be the best game I’ve ever played. But instead, it’s just a bunch of dicks.

Wow! This is sponsored by Devolver Digital and even though Genital Jousting may not be a real sport (officially), Genital Jousting IS a real video game that you should play because it is very fun. You can get it on Steam right now for $6.99 which is VERY CLOSE to the funny sex number that everyone loves. Also it’s not a lot of money, so that’s a perky penis perk.

 

Panicked Sean Evans Bites Into Emergency Cyanide Wing After Hot Ones Interview Goes South

LOS ANGELES — Popular YouTube interview show Hot Ones took a suicidal turn today when First We Feast host Sean Evans reportedly ate an emergency cyanide-coated chicken wing to bail out of a spiraling interview.

“Oh God! He’s not surprised by my detailed research and esoteric questions! That’s it, there’s only one way out,” a manic Evans blurted out, fumbling with the glass case containing the poisonous wing taped under his chair. “If you won’t make wincing faces at the hot sauces for our thumbnail, there’s nothing left for me to do. I always knew it would end like this; I’d rather die a warrior’s death than produce a milquetoast interview. This is what my training was for.”

Daniel Craig, the celebrity being interviewed on Hot Ones, said the sudden nose dive of the interview was incredibly surprising.

“I’m bad at answering talk show questions, and I’m amazing with spicy food, so I think he freaked out,” Craig told police at the scene. “When I made it through the first four wings without any hilarious outbursts or clumsy milk-grabs, I could see him squirming in his chair. Once he brought up an old post from my Instagram and I wasn’t phased, he pulled the cyanide wing from its hiding place and ended the interview right there.”

At press time, sources close to the situation reported that the despondent interviewer even added an additional dab of cyanide to the wing before taking his final bite.

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