Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Here Are the Top 30 Noisiest Games To Drown Out the Cries of Your Newborn

Posted on September 10, 2023 by Julien Perez

Everybody tells you how wonderful becoming a parent for the first time is, but what they conveniently leave out is how miserable your life becomes. All this thing does is just cry all day. I’m talking piercing, loud cries that will make any man go insane. Thankfully, I have a stocked up gaming room where I can go to escape it all. I’ve been playing every noisy game in my collection and I think I’ve cracked the code on which games are the best to play when the little one gets out of hand. So, here are the top 30 noisiest games you can play to drown out the cries of your newborn.

#30. Pac-man

Allow the rhythmic SFX to hyper focus your attention on filling Pac-man’s gut rather than your wife’s constant “shushing” to your little screeching offspring.

#29. Pokémon Red

Here’s my secret: Play with a Pokemon at low health and the music is sure to be annoying enough to ignore any wails coming from that “bundle of joy,” you named Greg.

#28. Any Madden Game

This one’s a two-for-one because you’ll be yelling so intensely at the TV that you’ll be unable to hear your son’s blubbering and make your wife think you’re watching football instead of playing those “childish” games she always complains about.

#27. PAW Patrol The Movie: Adventure City Calls

Sure, I felt guilty for playing a game given to me with the sole purpose of bonding with my “future gamer,” as my mom likes to call him, but wow does this game get noisy! The SFX, music, dialogue create the ideal cacophony to muffle the howls from said “future gamer.”

#26. Dead Space

Don’t be fooled by the silence in this game. The echoing rooms and piercing jump-scares will have your heart beating so loud you won’t even remember you had a kid in the first place.

#25. Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag

Sometimes I wonder if I had the option to inhabit another person’s life, I’d probably never come back. Jump in your ship and engage in any naval battle. The noise will be sure to distract you from the harsh realities of having to burp your baby on a daily basis.

#24. Super Smash Bros Brawl

This one can get pretty loud but what’s louder are the waves of nostalgia returning you to a time before responsibilities. Before mortgages, taxes, and anniversary presents. Man, those really were the happiest days of your life.

#23. Fortnite

The controller noises alone make it the perfect game to tune out the shrieks eroding your well-being.

#22. Sonic Adventure 2: Battle

This classic is filled with so much SFX and music, your gaming room will have a sound wave barrier protecting you from that little burden in the living room.

#21. Ratchet and Clank Future: A Crack in Time

Ah, time travel. What a concept. I usually spend my time collecting bolts as it’s the optimal commotion to mask the high-pitch reverberation of stinky diaper hour.

#20. Need For Speed Heat

Let your stress melt away with the powerful hum of a ’65 Ford Mustang. You can put the pedal to the metal and drive through the streets of Palm City without fear of repercussions or accusations of having a death wish.

#19. No Man’s Sky

My PlayStation gets so loud every time I start this bad boy up that it’s become my go-to white noise maker allowing me to get my much needed eight hours of sleep.

#18. Kingdom Hearts III

The key here is the situation commands. They’re excellent for concealing the attention seeking yelps your wife is so very susceptible to.

#17. Candy Crush

This is the perfect on the go game to briefly forget you’re going to be stuck on a six-hour flight with your screaming child next to you. Just make sure your volume is set to its highest setting.

#16. GTA V

Oh, how I miss the beautiful noise of the city. I moved my family to the suburbs to get away from it all and now it’s all I dream about.

#15. SSX Tricky

SSX Tricky is guaranteed to turn all that negativity into positivity. Next, you’ll be looking at that baby of yours like a human tech deck. Just don’t act on those impulses unless you want your wife to scold you. Believe me.

#14. Crash Bandicoot

Crash Bandicoot is full of so many fun noises and sounds that you’ll be smiling through all that obscene name calling your wife does on a near nightly basis now.

#13. Dark Souls 2

I finally went out and touched grass. Seriously, the grass in Dark Souls 2 is loud enough to quell anyone’s darkest thoughts.

#12. The Last of Us Part II

The emotional rollercoaster you’ll be put through will ensure your weeping will outshine his.

#11. Star Wars Episode I: Racer

Are you watching Star Wars: Episode 1 — The Phantom Menace for the hundredth time or are you just playing the PC re-release of Star Wars Episode 1: Racer? What the wife won’t know, won’t hurt her.

#10. Among Us VR

No matter who you play this game with, one thing is for certain, they will talk too closely into their mic. A few hours playing this game will turn any crying toddler into a purring cat.

#9. Double Dragon Neon

The blaring 80’s drenched soundtrack will engulf you like a warm blanket. So much so, you’ll fail to notice the babysitter standing in the doorway reminding you of your marriage counseling appointment.

#8. God Hand

With intense kicks and punches, God Hand will revitalize your belief in a higher power. You’ll be so busy shadow boxing you won’t even notice that wailing half-pint crawling into your personal space.

#7. Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock

Rock out and relive those childish dreams you had before the hard fist of capitalism beat it out of you. The nuclear family was once the idyllic image of prosperity, now it’s just the backdrop of a shrill reminder of that one time you didn’t pull out.

#6. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare

There’s nothing quite like the sounds of machine gun fire to quiet down the booming pangs of teething.

#5. Mega-Man Battle Network 6: Cybeast Falzar

Any ordinary person will go mad upon hearing the agonizing racket of the post-game music but if you’re like me and suffering with a case of Weeping Baby Won’t Shut-up Syndrome, it’s just what the doctor ordered.

#4. Dragon Ball FighterZ

The sheer cacophony this game produces will definitely make you forget that your son has Colic and is on hour three of non-stop crying.

#3. Metroid Fusion

There are nights I’m ready to yank out my hair in anguish and on those nights I replay the Neo-Ridley battle in Metroid Fusion. Neo-Ridley’s ear shattering scream is so deafening that you’ll be unable to tell if the sobs coming from the kitchen are your son’s or your wife’s.

#2. Elden Ring

Boot-up the game and just let the menu play. It’s the perfect music to silence the world and reflect upon your choices as a man. You were once alive and free, ready to grab the world by its throat and now you hide in the garage an extra twenty minutes before you walk inside the house. You’re not the man you promised your dad you’d become. You’re just a man full of regret, afraid to face the obligations of life.

#1. Nun Massacre

Be warned. The chase music when the nun appears WILL rupture your eardrums and your marriage. Although the marriage thing may be unrelated.

Hayao Miyazaki Banned From Studio Ghibli Offices After Numerous Attempts To End Retirement

Posted on September 10, 2023 by Kevin Podas

TOKYO — Despite Hayao Miyazaki’s latest feature film The Boy and the Heron being billed as his final work, the acclaimed director has announced once again that he will be returning from retirement, and has subsequently been banned from entering the Studio Ghibli premises.

“We’re fucking sick of this. He’s not allowed back in here,” stated Toshio Suzuki, president of Studio Ghibli. “This is, what, the third time now? We threw him a going away party with cake and everything after The Wind Rises. He promised us this new movie would be his last and, lo and behold, he’s knocking at our door this morning, standing there smiling and holding a new script. …No. He’s banned. I don’t care how ‘magical’ he is, he’s not allowed here or the theme park either just for good measure.”

Miyazaki was reportedly shocked and disappointed to find out that he was no longer welcome.

“I practically built this studio with my own two hands,” said Miyazaki. “Sure, I’m a little indecisive sometimes, but who isn’t? I gave them Totoro, I gave them Porco, I taught millions of kids around the world that deforestation is bad– but go ahead. Hire even more otaku losers to make anime. Fuck, I need a cigarette.”

Miyazaki’s son, Goro Miyazaki, expressed relief at the studio’s decision to ban his father.

“Finally, we can all relax a little more around here,” said Goro. “My dad’s great, but everyone knows he can be a bit of an old crank sometimes. He did apologize for walking out on my movie that I worked really hard on to impress him and stuff, but that’s kinda hard to just forget. He tried to get me to leave with him when they wouldn’t let him back in the building, but I just kinda like… pretended he wasn’t there, and kept working. Man.”

At press time, Miyazaki was seen driving a large cat bus around town and pitching his new script to different studios that would let him inside.

Esports Boyfriend on Being Dumped: “Sad, but the Correct Play”

Posted on September 10, 2023 by Alec Walker

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Avid esports fan and horrendous amateur Halo player Emile Hernandez was dumped by his oft-neglected girlfriend Amy Sanford over the weekend in a move he dubbed tough, but soundly strategic.

“It’s sad, but the correct play,” said Hernandez, through cracker-dry, bloodshot eyes and a strained voice. “I can’t fault her for that. Sometimes the roster just doesn’t click. I wish I could’ve clutched up for my duo, but honestly, with world’s qualifiers coming up I didn’t even really remember she existed. She was right to boot my ass.”

Sanford reportedly realized it was time to end things when she couldn’t even get Hernandez to spend time with her using his own interests.

“I’m literally a vastly popular Halo streamer,” she said. “But every time I asked him to play with me he’d just tell me there are no women on the top 8 teams, so it’d be pointless to squad up. Not only was that not the point, but he’s also dogshit at the game. Playing with him would have been excruciating! He doesn’t even know power weapons come back on a timer. He throws a sweat-drenched hissy fit every time someone else picks up a sniper cause he thinks it’s gone forever, then squeals in merriment like it’s feedin’ time in the pig pen every time it respawns. He’s got the memory of a dead goldfish. He really left me no choice.”

With Hernandez now single, his teammate, gamertag ‘Squirtzy,’ is looking forward to some quality practice.

“You know, usually your teammates would be happy when you get dumped, so you have more time to sink into the game,” he said. “But I don’t think that’s gonna matter for Emile. He already plays 20 hours a day and has shown zero signs of learning a single aspect of this game, so it’s whatever. Sometimes if we’re practicing in the same room we’ll just put up a YouTube video of OpTic Formal’s best plays on his monitor and unplug his controller. There’s no way that partnership of his was going to last.”

Love is blinding, especially for a video game. For Hernandez, his blindness may have lost him a lover, but hopefully he’ll gain the vision to be a quality teammate.

Opinion: Let’s Talk About Kaiju on Kaiju Violence

Posted on September 10, 2023 by Alec Walker

I’ve been hearing a lot of bullshit lately about how Godzilla is soooo great, and humans marginalize him and the kaiju and blah blah blah, but lemme drop a truth bomb on your weird conical head, you dumbass: Kaiju commit violent crimes against other kaiju way more than humans do, and it’s time we talk about it. I will not be delving further into why that’s the case for no particular reason at all. Numbers don’t lie and neither do I, generally speaking.

And while we’re on the topic I insisted upon, the army kills twice as many humans as kaiju every year, so why aren’t we talking about that? Oh yeah, that’s right, cause no one gives a shit about atrocities our military commits. Fuck me, right? Just stating the facts gets you vilified these days! King Ghidorah can suck my inadequate dick with all three heads.

Regardless, there are 8 billion humans and literally like 17 Kaiju, which is only 0.000000002% of Earth’s population, so why the fuck should we care about them anyway? If a group isn’t large enough to meet my arbitrary standards, they don’t deserve to exist. That’s just simple math. Oh, does that statistic contradict the point I made with the previous statistic? Uhh, fuck you! Shut up!

I’m sick and tired of seeing Mothra get all this praise from the media for protecting the Earth, too. Bullshit. I protect the Earth every single day of my life with my stored, unloaded .9mm pistol, and nobody ever congratulates me! Truthfully though, even if someone did congratulate me I would still be seething about the kaiju, but I forbid you from speculating why. We’re not here to talk about me, even though I incessantly bring it back around to me at every opportunity.

And don’t even get me started on Mechagodzilla. So anybody can be a kaiju now, is that it? I guess biology doesn’t matter anymore? This world is going to hell, and guess who’s not going to save you: the fucking kaiju. They’re too busy killing each other to contribute to society like I, a dishonorably discharged murder suspect currently collecting disability for accidentally shooting myself in the leg, do.

I like Rodan though. He’s pretty fly. Can I at least say that, or will that get me canceled too? Ahh, I’m so goddamn furious!

Gen Z Time Traveler Erases Parents’ Unnecessary Sex Scene

Posted on September 10, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

DALLAS, Texas — A local teen has potentially created a dangerous temporal paradox after traveling back in time to prevent his parents from having intercourse on the night he was conceived, sources familiar with the situation have confirmed.

“POV: You’re about to go back in time to make sure your parents never have seggs,” a robotic voice narrated over a TikTok posted by Shaun Hancock, 16. The short video gave a visual overview of his home-made time machine and was labeled with the hashtag “SelfCensorshipChallenge.”

Several of Shaun’s friends, including classmate Reed Anderson, say they expressed their concerns to him before he executed his plan.

“When he told me what he was going to do, I said he was crazy,” said Anderson, who added that Hancock had begun referring to himself as the ‘CEO of time.’ “Not only do you risk ripping the fabric of space-time apart at the seams and potentially negating your own existence, but you might actually walk in on your parents, you know, being all gross and stuff. Don’t make me say the word.”

Roberta Ortiz, professor of theoretical physics at the University of Rhode Island, said that this type of TikTok challenge has become popular with the younger generation.

“They’re always trying to do something that violates the principle of causality,” said Ortiz, who said that she was careful to explain the entropic arrow of time to her own teenage children. “I saw a video the other day where a high school kid claimed to have reversed entropy in a closed system, but he hadn’t sufficiently accounted for energy being added by radiative heat. The things these kids get up to, I swear!”

At press time, Hancock was reportedly fading away from family photos and being replaced by a slightly younger and cooler child.

Every Star Trek Captain Ranked by How Cool They’d Be With Me Taking a Quick Snooze in the Commissary On Duty

Posted on September 9, 2023 by Seth Finkelstein

When I was working at summer camp in college, we got our duty assignments for the day in the morning before breakfast. One of the jobs was “Floater” which meant that you walked around and hoped no one asked you to do any work. Well, one time I decided I wasn’t going to do that and took a nap in the counselor break room. I almost made it to lunch without anyone noticing when my boss came in and found me and said “How do you think everyone else would feel if they found out you were slacking off?” before sending me out to ensure the kids don’t choke on their chicken fingers.

I think about this moment in my life constantly when my brain decides it needs a good cringe. I’ve also been watching a lot of Star Trek recently, and being in Starfleet honestly seems to be a lot like summer camp. You have overworked authority figures attempting to wrangle people who only want to die, field trips where something goes wrong and you have to get everyone back to the bus quickly, and the occasional warp core meltdown. So let’s open the theater of the mind and imagine which Captain would be chill with me slacking off in Ten Forward or Quark’s Bar or whatever the hangout spot is on the ship.

8. Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Uh-oh. Looks like I’m headed to the Ready Room to get a stern talking to. He’s probably going to quote Shakespeare at me or something. If only Riker had found me. Maybe he’d take me to that jazz club holodeck program to watch him play the trombone.

7. Captain Katheryn Janeway

Janeway would at least give me the chance to explain myself, even though there’s no way I’m getting out of this one. The difference between her and Picard is that she’s stuck with me. What is she gonna do, discharge me and leave me stranded in the Delta Quadrant? By the way, did you know that if you kill Neelix in Star Trek Voyager: Elite Force for the PC they just throw you in the brig?

6. Captain Michael Burnham

I’m going to be upfront and say I haven’t watched Discovery but I know it’s got a bad case of Prestige TV-itus, so I’m just going to assume my napping in the commissary is a 10-episode arc that doesn’t go anywhere for nine episodes and then I die anti-climactically. Let me know in the comments if I’m wrong, it’s really great for our engagement!

5. Captain Benjamin Sisko

Sisko is going to catch me and we’re going to have one of those moments where he knows I’m in trouble and I know I’m in trouble so nothing really has to be said. The real issue is when Bashir and O’Brien catch wind of what happened and make fun of me while we play darts.

4. Captain Christopher Pike

Pike is going to give me a talking-to, but he’s going to be just a little awkward about it. He’s gonna run out of things to say and the conversation’s just going to sputter out. Nice guy, though!

3. Captain James T. Kirk

C’mon, it’s Kirk! He’s gonna make a quippy one-liner when he finds me before going off to bang some alien babeazoid. Also, our commissary is like four cardboard walls and eight chairs.

2. Captain Carol Freeman

I’m going to get absolutely screamed at, threatened with demotion, and commanded to clean up the entire commissary before going off duty, but the minute she leaves the room I’m free to lie back down and get some shut-eye without any consequences. It’s the Cerritos, we got nowhere to be.

Captain Jonathan Archer

Buddy, this guy barely wants to work! He probably has his dog with him when he catches me. I’m gonna snuggle the dog. The only problem is I’d have to be on Enterprise. Zing!

Podcast Finally Successful Enough to Commission Obnoxious Theme Song

Posted on September 9, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — “Best Boys,” a film and culture criticism podcast created and produced by two local men, recently paid an artist to create an over-produced and irritating theme song for the show, production sources have confirmed.

“Ever since we started this crazy little project, I’ve been saying the one thing I wanted was a real theme song,” said Ed Williams, one of the podcast’s two 35-year-old hosts. “You know, something that pulls from a bunch of my favorite genres. Especially chiptune. Honestly, I mostly asked for rough chiptune. There’s no better way to prepare your brain for an hour of two dudes chatting about movies than a raw square wave blaring in your ears!”

Listener reaction to the new theme has been mixed, though some fans enthusiastically approved of the new intro.

“I feel like I can finally share the podcast with my friends now,” said Steve Estrada, a self-described film nerd and longtime fan of the podcast. “It just feels so official. I especially like the part where Ed awkwardly says the name of the podcast over the music. Sure, he doesn’t nail the beat, but it’s just so him. He loves ay-vant gard-ay [sic] stuff like that.”

While some fans were concerned that the podcasting duo had been overcharged for a substandard theme, the song’s composer claimed that she offered them a fair price.

“I don’t think it’s correct to say that I’m scamming these guys,” said Mary Booker, a digital audio freelancer who says she has created themes for dozens of podcasts. “I gave them a perfectly reasonable product for what they were willing to pay. I would be happy to make something new for them if they ever get that twenty-fifth Patreon subscriber and start making real money.”

At press time, Williams was reportedly increasing the levels on the theme song in order to give it more “punch.”

Death Note Made Complicated On Purpose Because No One Was Actually Supposed To Use It

Posted on September 9, 2023 by Kevin Podas

SHINIGAMI REALM — After witnessing copious amounts of death and destruction at the hand of Death Note user Light Yagami, several notable Shinigami confirmed that the Death Note was made overly-complicated on purpose because nobody was actually supposed to use it.

“Jesus, the kid wasn’t supposed to actually use the damn book,” said Nu, a powerful Shinigami. “Have you ever tried to pause on those ‘How To Use’ sections in-between commercial breaks? It’s damn near impossible to follow, because it’s supposed to be a heavy-handed metaphor for killing is bad!”

Touta Matsuda, a member of the Japanese Task Force dedicated to finding and prosecuting the Death Note’s user, confirmed the complicated nature of the book.

“Honestly, I had no idea what was going on,” explained Matsuda. “None of us did. We were constantly trying to piece together how to use the thing, and after a while it was just like, ‘okay, this is all happening whether we like it or not. Hopefully we just fall ass-backwards into finding the real killer’ and hey, lucky us.”

Other Shinigami explained that the rules and regulations will likely have to be adjusted in the future.

“I guess ‘don’t use this evil murder weapon that makes no sense’ wasn’t clear enough,” said Armonia Justin Beyondormason. “Do we have to implement even more riddles? Use several different languages? Change the name from ‘Death Note’ to something less inviting to sociopaths? I don’t know. We’re going to workshop some ideas later this week and present them to a focus group.”

At press time, several bored teenagers picked up a Death Note that fell out of mid-air, but opted instead to scroll on TikTok.

The 10 Coolest Games We Played at PAX West 2023

Posted on September 8, 2023 by Parker Johnson

Last weekend, I went to my first PAX event ever. And damn, 2023 has been a good year for games, but if this PAX was any indication, we’re in for a doozy of a year in 2024. If 2023 was the best year for AAA’s, it’s looking like 2024 will be an incredible year for indies. Here’s our top 10 best games of PAX West 2023.

This comes with a couple disclaimers:

The lines for those Persona games were way too damn long for me to bother waiting. They might have been up here with the best. We’ll never know (until they come out)!
I’m including a lot of games I played at the MIX event too because the event was sick and there were really, really good games there. Yell at me in the quote tweets if that makes you unhappy so we can farm some engagement off of you, at least.

#10: Captain Wayne – Vacation Desperation

Captain Wayne is the champion of one of my favorite genres: intense, first-person action. I absolutely made an idiot of myself struggling through the demo at this booth, but the times I actually made a tiny little baby bit of progress made me feel like a total badass. I’m hoping when I get my hands on this on its release, I can actually make my way through it. Plus, I got to meet the real-life Captain Wayne. Pretty cool, if you ask me.

#9: Cricket

Okay, you might roll your eyes when I say “Earthbound-inspired RPG,” but I promise Cricket has an individual, interesting spin on the genre. First of all, timing-based bonuses for RPG attacks are back, baby, and in Cricket they come with a great risk-reward system for perfect timing. Combine this engaging system with an American cartoon-inspired art style, and you’ve got a great turn-based RPG on the horizon with this one.

#8: Extremely Powerful Capybaras

A Vampire Survivors-like with a Flash game-esque art style, Extremely Powerful Capybaras is a great dumb fun game. The best part: it’s launching with both local and online co-op. Get this with three friends when it comes out in December and catch up with the fellas while your Extremely Powerful Capybara just destroys shit on the screen.

#7: Pacific Drive

First-person mystery games like this have never really interested me, but after hearing nothing but praise, I decided to go check out Pacific Drive. I’m glad I did, because this game is perhaps the most unique of any I played last weekend. A run-based horror(ish) game, you have to find energy cells to power your car, while also finding scrap parts to keep your car in good shape as you face off against paranormal threats in the Pacific Northwest. This was a game that had me super intrigued, and I’m looking forward to playing the full game when it releases in Q1 2024.

#6: Cobalt Core

A lot of games were surprises for me on this list, but Cobalt Core might be the most so. This was the last game I played on the last day of the convention, seeing “roguelike deckbuilder” on the TV advertising games at Brace Yourself’s booth. My eternal love for Slay The Spire drew me to it, and I was really happy not to see an imitator, but an innovator. Movement and positioning your ship against enemies is key, and adds a lot of depth to the game. Combine that with great music and a charming art style and you’ve got a deckbuilder that Spire fans won’t want to miss.

#5: Knight Vs. Giant: The Broken Excalibur

I’m not going to try and get fancy with it: this is Hades in Camelot in all of the best ways. Combat and movement felt great, and exploration is much less linear than the choice-based progression that Hades presents. I couldn’t get much of a feel for how the dialogue stands up to that of its Greek counterpart in the short demo I had, but here’s hoping that holds up as well. Either way, the floor of this feels like an homage to one of the best roguelikes out there. This is absolutely one worth keeping an eye on.

#4: Prince of Persia: The Lost Crown

DISCLAIMER: I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A ‘PRINCE OF PERSIA’ GAME. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU GUYS ARE EXPECTING.

And with the major disclaimer out of the way, another minor one: I’m not a big Metroidvania guy. Both of those being said, I adored this demo. The movement feels great, and the combat is one of the most creative & fluid systems I’ve gotten my hands on in a 2D platformer. Teleporting through time with my sword and bow feels great, and I can’t imagine how much better it will feel as I gain power as I travel throughout the world and get new abilities.

#3: Rift of the Necrodancer

I’ve never played Crypt of the Necrodancer, the original in this franchise, so I had no idea what to expect when I played Rift on the showfloor. What I got was, yes, a great rhythm game, but also a boss fight that feels really close to Punch-Out! There’s a lot more rhythm mechanics this time around, sure, but the boss fights are definitely inspired by the long-dormant Nintendo franchise. I’m not sure if these inspirations are the only ones that are focused on throughout the game or if it keeps trying these zany ideas throughout, but I’m coming along for the ride in 2024 either way.

#2: Rivals 2

I was a little lukewarm on the original Rivals of Aether. I love platform fighters, but found it a bit tough to get into as a casual player. Rivals 2, on the other hand, feels a lot better, even as a casual player. Controls feel more familiar to Smash Bros, while keeping features that keep Rivals its own thing, like the parry mechanic and the incredibly creative character design. Succeeding in the fighting game space is a tough ask, especially without the backing of a major publisher, but I’ll be rooting for Rivals 2 when it launches in 2024.

#1: Make Way

This game is the lovechild of two of the very best modern party games: Mario Kart and Ultimate Chicken Horse. Unlike most other multiplayer games at PAX, I was having a blast despite playing with complete strangers. This one is coming to all platforms with cross play, so players that are either casual or competitive are going to love Make Way.

Pallet Town NIMBYs Fighting Construction of Fourth Building

Posted on September 8, 2023 by Ryan Sims

KANTO — Pallet Town residents, led by a local woman simply known as ‘Mom,’ are fighting construction plans by the Pokémon Leauge for a proposed fourth building in their town.

“I hate the Pokémon League.” Said Mom, getting ready to mail a pair of running shoes. “They already took my eleven-year-old son from me, now they want to build a Pokémon Center right outside my door? Trainers from all over Kanto will be loitering around, trading and healing each other like some big orgy. I won’t have it! The last thing I need is some random punk barging through my door and searching my trash for a potion. And what if they build a Gym? Should I be ok with seeing a roided up Machop out my window? Gyms attract undesirables. Especially if it’s poison type. Everyone knows that.”

Giovanni, current de facto leader of Silph Co. spoke on the benefits of building a new Pokémart on the site.

“These small town hicks don’t know what’s good for them!” Giovanni said, slowly stroking his Persian .”A Pokémart would bring jobs and industry to Pallet Town. Who wouldn’t want unlimited access to antidotes and escape ropes just steps away from home? I’ll admit, building a store for a market of around eight people is not a great idea. It’s mostly a real estate scheme. But it still helps Pallet Town. I mean, how do these people live? I’m pretty sure to get to the closest store you have to trek through a Caterpie infested forest. I know I’m an evil villain, but I really don’t feel like I’m the bad guy here.”

Professor Oak, a local scientist, is unsure if he wants Pallet Town to grow.

“It’s tough,” he said. “On the one hand, it’d be a huge win for the Pokémon community at large. On the other, it’d bring in competition and lower the value of my lab on Zillow. I expressed my concerns to a colleague of mine and he called me a NIMBY. At first I was excited because I thought NIMBY was a new Pokémon. Turns out it’s a derogatory term for someone who just wants to keep their property value up. I’d like to see Bill’s reaction when they decide to build a Pokémon Center up near that precious seaside cottage of his.”

As of press time, another resident of Pallet Town who wished to remain anonymous was quoted as saying, “Technology is incredible! But I don’t want any of that incredible tech in my backyard!”