Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Gamer With Messy Apartment Insists It’s to Increase Environmental Storytelling

Posted on November 27, 2022 by Jon Ruggiero

BARING, Wash. — Local gamer Frank Patterson has told friends and family visiting his apartment that it’s meant to be messy for environmental storytelling reasons.

“It’s not my fault people don’t understand the concept,” said Patterson, sitting on a milk crate that he has, according to him, to show that he is too lazy to get a real chair. “I can’t clean up that newspaper clipping because it has a reference to a world event that will be helpful for anyone that comes across my body in an apocalypse scenario. And if I plan it just right, I’ll die with my finger pointing at the article in case they didn’t see it the first time.”

“Everything I do, I do for a reason. Whether it’s to explain our world to future post-apocalyptic travelers or to develop my character as a lazy slob, it’s all purely selfless. I don’t do it for me; in fact, I hate living like this,” Patterson explained. “It’s not just at home — outside, I’ll be sure to drop any trash I have on the ground to show people that come after me that the human race used to treat this planet like garbage and just toss crap wherever they went. It’s very sad, but it’s the only way I know.”

Patterson’s former partner Trevor Sawyer was the first to complain to him about his obsession.

“He’s so convinced that he needs to tell people in the future how bad things are, like we need another record of a person complaining about the present,” Sawyer said. “It’s all doom and gloom like he’s a day away from turning into a Pompeii statue-person or something. And boy did it ruin our relationship. Did you know that an empty toilet paper roll left on the holder environmentally tells the story of you living with a selfish douchebag?”

“And don’t even get me started on all the voice recordings he makes,” Sawyer added. “He’s not even a scientist!”

At press time, Patterson died suddenly following his apartment building exploding, leaving behind no recognizable debris.

How Dare They: Free Game Wanted Money All Along

Posted on November 27, 2022 by Bill Hawken

AURORA, Colo. — Local gaming enthusiast Craig Jenkins’ reality was shattered today after discovering the free game he devoted so much storage space to install actually wanted money all along.

“Of course I’m upset, they have some real nerve asking for money! All the effort I expended ever since my decision to first click the ‘install’ button now feels like wasted time,” said Jenkins, an economics major from Colorado State University. “What’s even the point? If you give me a free pizza and then upcharge me for toppings, I’m going to be upset. And if you give me five dollars, I am going to assume you could have afforded to give me ten dollars. It’s just basic economics.”

Jenkins went on to outline the correct way to release free-to-play games without such deceptive tactics.

“Gamers put a lot of thought into where their hard-earned money goes,” Jenkins said. “What no one seems to understand is, once you’ve reeled your player in with a free game, you have to regularly feed them even more content for free to keep them feeling entertained and not ripped off or betrayed like I feel right now. I cannot believe some of these free game developers would charge for extra content! To think that someone would create a free game just to extract money out of players…isn’t the selfless act of building something of value without expecting anything in return enough for people anymore?”

He continued, outlining the many pitfalls of charging money in free games.

“When players are able to pay for stuff they want in a free game with real money, that’s when developers end up creating a toxic environment. Some people, like me, for example, don’t know what they want to spend money on until they see someone else enjoying something they don’t have. Because I can’t forcefully take premium DLC skins from others, I’m forced to vent my frustrations online like this. It’s just unfair that I don’t even get a free ‘thank you’ DLC or something for playing the free game. Developers these days just don’t understand how much more fun their games would be if everything about them were free. It’s a complete shame.”

At press time, Jenkins was brainstorming a new system for ranking best-selling games by Reddit karma instead of revenue.

Sad Gym Leader Just Lives There

Posted on November 27, 2022 by Naomi Krause

SINNOH REGION — Local Pokémon trainers were disappointed and embarrassed after discovering that Crasher Wake, the infamous water type gym leader, was reportedly living in his gym.

“When completing the puzzle to go up and fight him, I was suddenly blocked by a sad, dirty cot obstructing my path,” said Bug Catcher Joey Bettini. “Then, during our battle for the gym badge, Crasher Wake freaked out when my Empoleon accidentally destroyed his hot plate he had set up in the corner. He looked like he hadn’t shaved in weeks. I felt so bad that I just tanked our gym battle, he looked like he needed a win.”

Wake admitted the allegations were true and said his living circumstances are the result of some recent financial mistakes.

“Being a gym leader doesn’t exactly pay as well as you’d imagine,” Crasher Wake explained. “Also, I completely lost my nest egg at the Veilstone Game Corner, blowing everything I’d saved on a sick, obsessive bender trying to win a Silk Scarf. But the gym ain’t so bad, although every so often a kid has to kick me awake for our leader battle. Also, I don’t know who installed those buttons that randomly flood the entire place, but a rat or bug steps on one of those fuckers in the middle of the night and drenches me while I’m sleeping nine times out of ten.”

Wake’s constituents say his behavior has begun to affect his work as a gym leader.

“We’re all a bit worried about him,” said fellow Gym Leader Gardenia. “All the other gym leaders have offered him a couch or a guest bedroom, but he’s far too proud to take our help. He’s clearly going through something. Lately, he’s been giving up on battling altogether, just giving out the gym badge to anyone who tosses a couple lottery tickets or Marlboro’s his way. We got Nurse Joy to hold an intervention for him, but it didn’t go well.

At press time, sources close to Crasher Wake reported that the gym leader’s finances had taken a turn for the worse after his prized Gyrados was spotted on sale at a nearby pawn shop.

Meta Still Worth $950 Billion Zuckerbucks in Mark Zuckerberg’s Personal Metaverse

Posted on November 26, 2022 by Jus Kaplan

MENLO PARK, Calif. — In an attempt to quell fear among investors following recent downturns in his company’s stock price, Mark Zuckerberg announced that although Meta is tanking in value according to U.S. dollars, it’s still worth nearly a trillion Zuckerbucks in his own personal metaverse.

“While recent layoffs have been difficult for those existing solely in the human realm, Meta is thriving in the Zuckerverse,” said Zuckerberg, streaming the announcement as a digital avatar inside of an ethereal void in an undisclosed virtual location. “Our 70% decline in market capitalization this year is only according to an outdated fiat currency that’s hardly representative of our true worth. In my Zuckerverse, which is a digital Web 3.5 ecosystem hosted in my own mind and built on the Zuckchain, we are still as strong as ever and just getting started. Truly anything is possible in the Zuckerverse!”

Lauren Santos, a Meta employee who was just laid off along with 11,000 of her peers, still isn’t sure what to make of the CEO’s bullish stance.

“So, even if Meta is worth an all-time high stock price in Zuckbucks or whatever, doesn’t that mean our severance packages are still only worth like half of what they actually should be based on current market conditions?” Santos asked in a company town hall on Wednesday, receiving a prompt deflating “no” from Zuckerberg with the clarification that Zuckerbucks are “illiquid assets not tethered to the mortal constraints of time.”

Leaked Meta documents show that Meta’s head accountant, Pawel Szymanski, has asked Zuckerberg dozens of times to stop promoting the concept of Zuckerbucks and the Zuckerverse to avoid liability, but has met little success.

“To my knowledge — and believe me, I have searched — there is no record or evidence whatsoever of something called ‘the Zuckerverse’ existing at Meta, or anywhere else in the world, for that matter. Mark needs to quit telling people how valuable we are in Zuckerbucks before we get sued into oblivion,” said Szymanski, according to leaked transcripts from an emergency strategy meeting held at Meta headquarters last week. “No more imaginary universes, ok? This metaverse crap is already a huge headache. I still can’t believe we have to host these fucking calls wearing Quest headsets.”

At press time, Zuckerberg was being escorted out of New York Times headquarters after arriving to make an unsolicited offer to purchase the publication for 44 billion Zuckerbucks.

Man Awake At 2 a.m. Worrying If Window for Gex Reboot Has Closed

Posted on November 26, 2022 by Kyle Erf

CLEVELAND — Local man Roger Breeding awoke in a cold sweat last night, unable to sleep after wondering if the window for a ‘Gex’ reboot had unfortunately closed.

“Oh God, what if it’s already too late,” Breeding pondered in his bed early this morning. “Sure, there was an ironic uptick in interest recently, but even that has almost petered out. It’s not too late, right? Right? They’re always digging up old intellectual property, so Gex could get that sort of treatment. I’d play it. Even if I was doing it ironically, I’d play it. But there has to still be sand left in the hourglass before a reboot is completely out of the question. Although if it didn’t happen when Gex became a meme online, then when would it happen? That’s it, I’m making a pot of coffee.”

“Gex would have so much to say and comment on now that the internet is a big thing,” he thought to himself. “I wanna know what Gex’s take on our current society is. Surely, others do too. Oh man, are we never gonna find out? Are we never going to learn what puns Gex would have to say about social media or the Marvel movies?”

Breeding reportedly sought the counsel of his wife in this trying time for him.

“Sweetie, wake up. Wake up!” Breeding said, shaking his asleep wife’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, it’s just me. Yeah, I know what time it is. Do you remember Gex? He was a gecko version of James Bond who would reference celebrities from the ’90s. Yes, yes, the kids are fine, are you paying attention? Gex was an alright game but I can’t tell if he’ll get a reboot. It’s been enough time to warrant one, but I’m worried it’s been too long. Baby, where are you going? Why did you already have a suitcase packed?”

At press time, when asked for comment as to why he started thinking about Gex in the first place, tuxedo-clad Breeding replied simply, “note to self: don’t drink the tap water at Jerry Garcia’s house.”

42 Different Small Production Companies Bring You Worst Independent Film You’ve Ever Seen

Posted on November 26, 2022 by Michael Gursky

AUSTIN, Texas — Pinnacle Film Productions, Pelican Digital Media Group, and Pierced Barber Studios are 3 of the 42 independent studios that have teamed up to produce a brand new sad and meandering dark indie dramedy, Tarantula Vibes, yet another yawner about overthinking millennials navigating life, exhausted sources have confirmed.

“Tarantula Vibes tells the story of a young female writer trying to make it in the big city while her skinny but mean boyfriend is also trying to make it in the big city, but the catch is they’re both depressed and she’s part-tarantula,” according to critic FilmGirlSarah. “I felt none of the feels from this movie, which I think falls short of being the hybrid-arachnid dramedy we all need right now, especially me, a 48-year-old millennial/zoomer who can’t help but doom-scroll.”

Despite the large number of production companies working on the film, many moviegoers felt that the story, acting, and directing still needed more work.

“Homicidal Anvil Media, Fish In The Crick Studio, Cinema Movie Film Group, Steakburger Studios, Cheeburger Cheeburger Media, Checkerbox Media, Porcupine Flix, Lemongrass Film Association, and Juicy Ol’ Burger Productions are some of my favorite production companies. So it’s a shame they couldn’t collaborate to make something great,” said film fan Roberta Haley. “That being said, I’ve always hated movies by Three Star Studios, Mountain View Films, Blue Ball Media, and Crawford and Sons Productions, so I guess I can safely say it’s their fault the movie sucked.”

Despite negative reviews from critics, fans, and crewmembers alike, a sequel to Tarantula Vibes has already been greenlit, with 37 of the original 42 studios on board to produce. According to those familiar with the situation, the director’s father being a massively powerful film producer has something to do with the decision, although both deny this, saying that it’s actually due to the first movie being “really dope.”

Nintendo Promises Pokémon Scarlet & Violet Will Receive This-Gen Update

Posted on November 26, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

KYOTO, Japan — Game Freak has announced that recent Pokémon installments Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet will soon be receiving an update that makes them compatible with the Nintendo Switch, sources have confirmed.

“We’ve heard the player’s requests, and we’ve decided to oblige them,” said Shigeru Ohmori, director of Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet. “You don’t become the most lucrative gaming franchise of all time by ignoring your fans, and we don’t intend to start now. We’ve worked very hard to bring everyone who paid full price for our unpolished games a current-gen update to hopefully get them running up to code on the weakest console available by a mile. Thank you for supporting Pokémon for all these years, we know it requires a lot of patience at times.”

Gamers were excited to hear of the update, which aims to fix the game’s graphics, animations, textures, bugs, asset quality, frame rate, camera issues, draw distance, and resolution issues.

“Oh wow, look at that functional animation! They did it!” exclaimed Joe Waldron, a Pokémon fan checking out the game’s new update. “I wasn’t trying to be too critical or anything, but for $60 I just wanted a game that performed well and wasn’t glitchy all the time. I’m so glad that they’re doing a this-gen update, so that’s it only glitchy some of the time. That’s exactly what this game needed, in my opinion. I will be rescinding my death threats for the time being!”

Critics said that upgrading the Switch-exclusive game’s ability to run on the Switch was a bold move for an already successful game.

“They broke a lot of sales records this week,” said Ellen Boyd, a freelance tech reporter, referring to the 10 million copies Scarlet and Violet sold in just three days. “You can’t help but wonder if those numbers would have been higher if they had got a Switch version out on time as well. Kind of a missed opportunity there. Better late than never, I suppose.”

As of press time Game Freak announced that the this-gen update to Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet will cost $60 each.

Pokemon Scarlet & Violet: The Best Gym Order for Victory Road

Posted on November 25, 2022 by Tyler Downey

Pokemon Scarlet and Violet offers trainers a new feature that has never before been seen in a Pokémon game: The choice to fight the gym leaders in any order you want. However, just because you can doesn’t mean you should as some of the gym leaders will be nearly impossible to beat at the start of the game. So, here is the best order to fight the gym leaders, from lowest level to highest.

1: Katy (Bug Type): Pokemon Scarlet & Violet Gym Order

For your first gym you’re going to want to head over to Cortondo to fight Katy, who uses primarily bug types. This won’t be too troublesome as Cortondo is located just a little ways west of Mesagoza. Don’t expect too much of a challenge since the is the first gym, but you may want to consider catching a Fletchling or Nacli if you chose Sprigatito as your starter since grass types are weak to bug types.

2: Brassius (Grass Type)

The second gym will be located in Artazon. Here you will have to defeat the grass type gym leader Brassius. If you chose Fuecoco as your starter, both Brassius & Katy will be a breeze for you. If you chose Quaxly or Sprigatito, consider catching some flying or fire type Pokémon beforehand.

3: Iono (Electric Type) – Pokemon Scarlet/Violet Gym Order

Next up is Iono, who you can find in Levincia. Iono is a popular streamer in the Paldea region who uses electric type Pokémon. A ground type pokemon such as Paldean Wooper or Phanpy will make good counters for this gym. Be extra careful if you chose Quaxly, since Iono’s electric Pokemon can make quick work of him.

4: Kofu (Water Type)

Now is where Sprigatito choosers will have the advantage, as the next Gym Leader Kofu uses water types. Kofu can be found in Cascarrafa which is located just east of the Asado desert. If you didn’t choose Sprigatito, any other grass type or an electric type will be a boon.

5: Larry (Normal Type) – Best Pokemon Scarlet & Violet Gym Order

Larry is the gym leader of Medali. He uses normal type Pokémon to match with his extremely ordinary and mundane personality. His Pokémon are all roughly level 35, so make sure your team is trained up to that level or higher.

6: Ryme (Ghost Type)

We are now getting into our final three gym leaders. This is where the battles will get a bit more challenging, so make sure your team is prepared. First of these three is the Ghost type user Ryme in Montenevara. A dark type will counter most of her team.

7: Tulip (Psychic Type)

Up next is the Alfornada gym leader Tulip. Her psychic type Pokémon are quite strong. However, just like Ryme, a good dark type Pokemon will be able to take down most members of her team. Other good types would be bug or ghost.

8: Grusha (Ice Type)

Finally, our last gym leader is Grusha. Grusha’s ice type Pokémon will be quite strong, so make sure your Pokémon are all in their upper forties in terms of levels. Ice Pokémon have a lot of weaknesses though such as fire, steel, fighting, and rock which can help you out a lot in this battle. You’ll find this gym straight north of the Great Crater, on top of the ice mountain.

Of course, you can stray from the path as much as your heart desires, and mix in battles with Titan Pokemon & Team Star. But, this is the most logical order to fight the gym leaders in Pokemon Scarlet and Violet.

Pokemon Scarlet & Violet: The 9 Best Late Game Pokemon

Posted on November 25, 2022 by Kaan Serin

Pokemon Scarlet & Violet has an overwhelming number of creatures to catch both late & early in the game, 400 Pokemon to be exact. So choosing a team of just six can be the toughest challenge in the game, especially with this much choice and freedom of movement.

You can’t go wrong, no matter what Pokemon you choose. But some of Scarlet & Violet’s toughest challenges come later in the game, so you’ll want powerful Poké-friends to help you along. If you’re having some trouble in the late game, no problem. We’ve compiled a list of the best, most powerful Pokemon in Scarlet & Violet‘s late-game.

If you’re just starting out in Paldea, take a look at our best early-game Pokémon list.

Lucario: The Best Late Fighting Pokemon

Lucario is usually the best fighting Pokémon in the games it appears in, and Scarlet & Violet are no different.

Lucario evolves from Riolu, which you can catch early in the game in South Province (Area Two.) Riolu can evolve when it reaches maximum happiness. To increase a Pokémon’s happiness, set up a picnic and wash, talk and play ball with your Pokémon. Once Riolu’s at maximum happiness, it’ll evolve the next time it levels up.

As a fighting/steel-type Pokémon, Lucario is strong against plenty of rock-type Pokémon that you’ll likely find in Scarlet & Violet’s late-game caves. However, Lucario’s biggest strength is its varied move pool. Dragon Pulse, in particular, is a great move for Lucario to learn as it’s super effective against the many dragon-type Pokémon that are abundant later in Paldea’s adventure. With the high attack, special attack, and speed stats, you can’t go wrong with a Lucario in your roster.

Toxtricity: Coverage for Pokemon Scarlet & Violet’s Most Abundant Types

Paldea is full of powerful fairy and flying-type Pokémon. It wouldn’t be too outlandish to suggest that these two types dominate many areas of the region. Thankfully, Toxtricity is a powerful electric/poison-type Pokémon capable of dealing with these threats.

Toxtricity evolves from Toxel, which can be caught in South Province (Area Four), although you can find a wild Toxtricity in one of the game’s later areas, Alfornada Cavern.

Toxtrcitiy’s typing is its biggest boon, easily dealing with the fairy and flying types that Paldea is overflowing with. However, Toxtricity would still be a solid pick, even if Paldea wasn’t stuffed with these types. Toxtricity’s attack and special attack stats are very good, and its Punk Rock passive ability makes its sound-based moves even stronger.

Many of Toxtricity’s abilities can also cause paralysis and poison, naturally. This makes Toxtricity an excellent fighter for longer battles and can also make it easier to catch the tough Pokémon in the late game.

Tinkaton: A Tiny Tank For Pokemon Scarlet & Violet’s Late Game

Tinkaton is the final evolution of Tinkatink & Tinkatuff, which can be found as early as South Province (Area Two), just under the river. They can evolve into Tinkaton by level 38.

Tinkaton has very good typing as a dual fairy/steel-type Pokémon. One of the only weaknesses of a fairy-type is steel, so Tinkaton’s typing mitigates this weakness. In fact, Tinkaton is very strong against many typings, including dragon-types, which will help you against the Elite Four.

Apart from an interesting typing, Tinkaton is the only Pokémon with access to the Gigaton Hammer, the steel-type move. Gigaton Hammer deals a huge amount of damage and can quickly one-hit kill many enemies. Plus, during picnics Tinkton sleeps on its massive metal hammer. Cute and powerful!

Dragonite: A Strong Pokemon For Late In Scarlet/Violet

Dragonite is a classic dragon/flying-type Pokémon that has been a part of the series for generations. It returns in Scarlet & Violet and is just as useful in this game. You can find Dragonite’s predecessor, Dratini, in Casseroya Lake. You might need the ability to swim, and be prepared, as most Pokémon in this area will be Level ~50.

As a partial flying-type, Dragonite will be resistant to many ground-type Pokemon & moves you’re likely to encounter in the late game and Elite Four. It also has great move coverage, as it can learn moves of several different types, allowing you to adapt based on the present challenge.

Dragonite has an incredible attack, special attack, and special defense stats, with its only Achilles heel being its 4x weakness to Ice. Its base stats sit at a total of 600, making Dragonite an incredibly versatile and powerful Pokémon to have in your party. Also, I love the way it smiles as it rampages through enemies. Adorable.

Krookodile: A Strong Ground Contender

Krookodile was an awesome Pokémon when it debuted in Black & White all those years ago, and it’s still a powerful fighter in Scarlet & Violet. Krookodile is the final form of Sandile, which can be found all over the Asado Desert. It evolves into Krokorok at Level 29, and Krookodile at Level 40.

Krookodile’s main selling point is its ground/dark typing, giving it significant coverage. In addition, Krookodile’s dark-type moves will make the high-level psychic and ghost gyms a breeze. Altogether Krookodile is strong against seven different typings, meaning there aren’t many areas where it’ll be useless. Combined with its strong offensive stats and high endurance, Krookodile is arguably the best ground-type Pokémon in Paldea.

Garchomp: A Late Sweeping Sensation in Pokemon Scarlet/Violet

Garchomp has been a fan favorite ground/dragon-type Pokémon ever since Diamond & Pearl was first released, and its inclusion in Scarlet & Violet hasn’t diminished its usefulness. Garchomp is the final evolution of Gible, which can be found in many caves throughout Paldea. Notable locations include South Province (Area Six) and West Province (Area One.)

Like most dragon Pokémon, Garchomp boasts some great stats that are helpful in every situation. However, Garchomp’s type combination is the true gem here. As a dragon-type, Garchomp has several resistances, and as a ground-type, Garchomp is super effective against five different types. This makes Garchomp a well-rounded pick for any team.

Garganacl: A Stalwart Scarlet & Violet Rock Wall

Garganacl is Scarlet & Violet’s premiere rock-type Pokémon. It’s the final form of Nacli, who was featured in our best early-game Pokémon list. This means you can catch Nacli at the beginning of your journey and train it through the credits. Nacli can be caught in several early game areas, including South Province (Area Three). You can also find the middle evolution, Naclstack, at South Province Area Five & West Province Area Two. It will evolve into Garganacl at Level 38.

As Generation IX’s featured rock Pokémon, Garganacl naturally has incredible defensive capabilities, even if its speed is a little low. In addition, Gardganacl’s rock-typing can be a lifesaver when it comes to the endless crowds of ice Pokémon in Glaseado Mountain. Finally, Garganacl’s signature ability makes it a must-have Pokémon. Salt Cure takes 1/8th of an opponent’s maximum HP every turn. Salt Cure also does double the damage to water and steel types, meaning Garganacl can still be useful against types it’s weak against. Overall, Garganacl is a solid choice if you’re looking for a resistant tank by your side.

Baxcalibur: Paldea’s Intimidating Late Ice Dragon Pokemon

Ice-type Pokémon have traditionally been slightly underpowered and defenseless since their introduction, with only a few resilient icy Pokémon. However, Scarlet & Violet definitely fixes that problem with a handful of new, mighty ice-type creatures. Leading the charge is Baxcalibur, an ice/dragon-type that looks like a riff on Mecha-Godzilla.

Baxcalibur is the final form of Frigibax, which can be found in multiple parts of Glaseado Mountain. Frigibax is a rare Pokemon, so you might need to wander around before spotting one. If you want to increase your chances of finding a Frigibax, you can always make a Great Avocado Sandwich or buy a Escalivada from Go-For-Broke-Grill since they will make dragon-type Pokémon appear more frequently.

Baxcalibur has a very high attack stat and a base total of 600, making it a powerhouse fighter in nearly all scenarios. An ice-type Pokémon can be convenient in the late game since the Elite Four consists of many flying, ground, and dragon-type Pokémon.

Dondozo: A Tank To Round Out Your Late Game Pokemon Scarlet & Violet Team

Powerful water types are rare in Paldea; it almost feels like Psyducks and Buizels run the region’s ponds and rivers. But late in the game comes Dondozo, an absolute tank that can be found roaming the Casseroya Lake.

Dondozo’s very high defensive stats and HP make it a great endurance-based Pokémon, capable of outlasting powerful attacks. Dondozo’s list of learnable moves is another major strength. Dondozo can learn moves from various types, including fighting, dragon, ice, and dark-type moves, giving it plenty of coverage against various enemies.

Dondozo is best used against a type it has no weakness against. As a result, it won’t be under any threat of defeat, and its versatile moveset will likely contain a super-effective attack.

HUGE Black Friday Deal: Your Entire Backlog STILL AVAILABLE at No Additional Cost!

Posted on November 24, 2022 by Aaraf Afzal

Good news, gamers! Black Friday is upon us, and with it comes some of the hottest deals this side of gaming. Whether you’re thinking about catching up with Horizon Forbidden West or some Nintendo game from five years ago that’s $10 off, consider this HUGE deal: your entire backlog is STILL AVAILABLE at *no additional cost!!!*

We know! We can’t believe it either. Included in this sale is your ENTIRE Steam library. You got a great deal on that indie bundle with 50+ hidden gems you never played. Now that deal’s even sweeter: you have 50 games, ALREADY PAID FOR! You’ll want to act fast, because you might forget about them tomorrow. Guess that’s why they’re hidden gems!

You also convinced yourself that buying Yakuza would force you to finally play Yakuza, so now you can get around to the WHOLE SERIES — without spending a single additional penny! Look at you! Remember: Cousin Dan told you to start with Yakuza 0. You can tell Dan, your Black Friday haul started at $0!

Just so you know, other shoppers are starting to notice this HOT DEAL. We don’t think that means much in terms of availability, honestly — but it’s worth pointing out. Tweets popular game deals poster Wario64, “Bandai Namco Sale. Free if already owned.”

Sure, $10 is a huge discount by Nintendo’s standards. And sure, Forbidden West will supposedly last you hours. You know what’ll last you MORE hours though? EVERYTHING YOU BOUGHT LAST BLACK FRIDAY! And the one before that! I mean, that new Life is Strange is an old Life is Strange by this point, come on!

Again gamers, you want to act FAST! Otherwise, you might be hit with the SLOW and STEADY realization that you are accumulating more games than you can possibly play, and sometimes Gamepass and PlayStation Plus freebies mean you have the SAME GAME ON THREE DIFFERENT PLATFORMS, and Black Friday and Cyber Monday will only make you HOARD more, but luckily there’s a WAY OUT — IF YOU ACT NOW!

Everything in your backlog, legally acquired or otherwise, is 100% OFF. Let’s see Best Buy price match THAT!