Confused Elon Musk Accidentally Kills Female Employee and Impregnates Monkey

SAN FRANCISCO — Claiming he had accidentally swapped his schedule for the day, Twitter CEO and Neuralink founder Elon Musk shocked fans and shareholders by killing a female employee and impregnating a monkey.

“Guys, this one’s on me,” an embarrassed Musk explained. “I read my daily planner wrong and got all switched around, could happen to anyone. I knew something was off when I was mailing hush money to the zoo and watching a scientist drill into a woman’s brain, but it finally hit me later on. I won’t lie to you, this is a whoopsie on Elon. On the bright side, the monkey can’t tell anybody and most of my employees are scheduled to die anyway.”

Elon Musk’s fans remained loyal despite the tech personality’s error.

“A brilliant move, Mr. Musk. I’m going out to proposition a monkey right now,” replied Elon Musk fan Larry Groznic on Twitter. “Don’t let the critics stop you from crushing your business dreams, kill as many women as you need to, people just don’t get how smart you are. Except me, I get it. This monkey is probably just a liberal actor with an ax to grind with big tech, and is just coming forward for fame, attention, and bananas.”

Musk elaborated further on the cause of his accident.

“I’ve had a lot going on lately, I’m a little frazzled,” Musk admitted. “I’ve been accidentally emailing Reddit memes to my mistresses, and tweeting threatening messages online, a classic Musk folly. Sometimes when you have my intelligence and business savvy, you get the little things all switched around. I’m sure I’ll get it all sorted out with only a few more human deaths. Once you kill a few dozen people, you start to learn from your mistakes a bit.”

At press time, sources reported that another unfortunate schedule mixup had caused Musk to lay off several SpaceX rockets and jettison thousands of Twitter employees into space.

Company Plans Employee Drug Test for Monday After Avatar 2 Release

ST. LOUIS — Workers of a local office were reportedly upset upon hearing that their company’s corporate had scheduled the mandatory employee drug testing the Monday after the release of ‘Avatar: The Way of Water.’

“Come on man, this is fucked up,” said employee Tyler Brodin. “I already had my whole weekend planned out. Wear comfy, deep-pocketed pants, take an edible 30 minutes before, and let the combination of striking 3D and chocolate-covered cookie dough bites whisk me away to Pandora. Any other weekend would’ve been fine, but do they expect me to see the long-awaited James Cameron sequel sober? This has to qualify for inhumane working conditions.”

The human resources representative that planned the drug testing explained that the selected date was no accident.

“If anyone smokes weed or does acid, they’re going to this weekend,” said HR rep Todd Fallstaff. “Go ahead, smoke your joint in the parking lot. Recline your theater chair. Cradle your six-dollar slushie. Monday morning, your stoner ass is mine. I will be going to see Avatar 2 at noon with no drugs altering my senses, and it will be a mediocre experience, and I will enjoy it. Yeah, I suppose you could wait a week and see it next weekend, but you know it won’t be the same.”

Outrage over the company policy got so much traction that Avatar director James Cameron released a statement.

“This is a disgrace to how my movie was meant to be seen: stoned out of your motherfucking gourd,” Cameron told reporters. “This movie is nothing short of cinema, and should be appreciated by scarfing down the most disgusting-tasting brownie you’ve ever tasted and fumbling around the lobby until your friend guides you to your seat.”

At press time, sources reported that the HR department had become even more cruel when they scheduled a day for all staff to work late on the day that both Oppenheimer and Barbie will release.

Parents Desperately Trying to Flush Son’s Dead Gyarados Before He Gets Home

CERULEAN CITY — Parents of local fisherman trainer Benny Crimson reportedly panicked after trying to flush their son’s Gyrados down the toilet before he returned from school.

“Shit, shit, shit, fuck! It’s not going down!” An alarmed Theresa Crimson said, repeatedly shoving a plunger on the giant water/flying type. “Oh, God, Benny can’t see this, it’ll crush him. He’s not ready to cope with death, even if it’s a giant mythical water dragon. Hurry, he just got out of school, he’ll be home any minute. Maybe if we chop it up it’ll flush down easier? I guess I could try and get one of my Pokémon to use Cut on it.”

Benny’s father, Thomas Crimson, explained the plan put into place to hide the pet’s death from their son.

“The deal we struck is that she flushes the original Gyrados, while I go buy a new Magikarp and try to train it up and evolve it before our son gets home,” Crimson said. “So there I am in the front yard throwing a Magikarp at every rat and caterpillar I can find hoping to rush this stupid thing to level 20 in time for Benny’s schoolbus. We could’ve just taken the thing to the PokeCenter or bought a revive, but we didn’t just faint the Gyrados with a Pokemon, I hit it with my truck pulling out of the driveway. So this thing is gone. Look, I know what you’re thinking. I don’t know how I didn’t see it. That’s in the past now, I’m just trying to do damage control.”

At press time, sources close to the situation reported a pleased Benny returned to find a new Gyrados alive and well, after the trainer deliberately put it in the driveway in order to get a new Pokémon with better EVs.

Man Fills Awkward Silence in Conversation by Saying ‘Would You Like Me to Repeat All of That?’

THE VILLAGE — A local shopkeeper filled an awkward pause in a conversation with a customer by asking if he ought to repeat everything he just said, confused sources have confirmed. 

“Oh man, that was pretty cringey,” said a fellow shopper at the local item shop that overheard the exchange. “This quiet adventurer dude came in and Tylar over there was telling him all about the history of this place, about the curse, the fire rain and all that. Then as the boy was taking it in, Tylar looked side to side and just asked if he’d like him to repeat all of that. Tylar’s always been kind of a character. I mean, who does that?” 

Tylar confirmed that he often isn’t sure how to handle conversations with customers, and that repeating entire stories is a nervous tic of his.

“Oh, I am such a bonehead,” said Kevin, shortly after regaling the would-be hero with the village’s folklore an unsolicited third time. “I think that poor kid just wanted to pay for his arrows and leave, and here I am telling him about The Ancient Cataclysm three damn times. I can’t wait until I retire and then I won’t have to fill my day missing social cues. I’m just not very good at interacting with people, I’m afraid.”

“Hey, would you like me to repeat all that?” he added.  

As of press time, Tylar had locked up the store for the night and was seen just standing behind the counter staring into the distance.

High on Life: Should you Stab Gene?

High on Life is filled to the brim with wacky humor that you’re likely familiar with if you’ve ever watched a Justin Roiland show. Nearly every line of dialogue and moment feels like it belongs in one of his comedy shows. The humor is also incorporated in more interactive ways, such as by putting players into situations that make fun of or challenge what other games have taught them. One of the best examples of this occurs early in High on Life when you’re presented with the option to stab Gene.

More specifically, the moment comes up after returning from your first bounty. You’ll rescue Knifey along the way, Gene’s sentient alien knife who wants to stab and violently murder everything. As soon as he finds out you know Gene, he’s eager to let you know how much he’d like to stab him too. The option to do so will be presented once you get back to the house.

What Happens If you Don’t Stab Gene in High on Life?

Stabbing an important NPC who’s guiding you on your journey doesn’t seem like an option that would typically be treated seriously. The inability to shoot most NPCs is explained by Kenny vocally refusing to shoot them for example. At the same time, I wouldn’t blame you for second-guessing a game like this one.

Choosing whether or not to stab him isn’t presented as directly as some dialogue choices are. A simple pop-up will appear telling you to press the melee button. You can easily ignore the little UI pop-up and continue playing the game. Once you’ve left the house to continue the story, however, the opportunity to stab him will be gone.

What Happens If you Do Stab Gene?

Pressing the melee button in front of him will begin a small scripted scene where you do actually stab him. Gene will break the fourth wall a little bit and admonish you for following everything the UI says, although he’ll just as quickly brush it off. The good news is that this doesn’t have an actual effect on the story or gameplay, and you’ll still be able to count on him afterward like normal.

That being said, there is still a good reason to stab him. Doing so will unlock the secret and missable achievement ”Don’t Knife The Hand That Feeds.” If you came here unsure if it’s okay to stab him, feel free to go ahead and let loose. High on Life is certainly a game that encourages you to match its absurd tone, after all.

Fortnite Chapter 4 Explorer Challenges Guide (Week 1)

Fortnite Chapter 4 Season 1 has just launched with a plethora of challenges for players to complete. The first set of challenges, Explorer, is meant to help new and old players acclimate themselves to the new map and other changes for the season. Here is how to complete every Week 1 Explorer Challenge in Fortnite Chapter 4 Season 1.

Fortnite Chapter 4 Season 1 Explorer Challenges (Week 1)

All Fortnite Chapter 4 Season 1 Explorer Challenges as of Week 1.

The Explorer challenge set consists of 9 different challenges. These challenges will introduce players to the new map, as well as, new POIs and new mechanics/weapons, like the Oathbound Chests and Shockwave Hammer. Here are all 9 Explorer Challenges:

  • Land on the new island
  • Visit The Citadel, Anvil Square, and Shattered Slabs
  • Search Oathbound Chests (5)
  • Collect a Shockwave Hammer and an Ex-Caliber Rifle in a single match
  • Activate Augments (20)
  • Land at hot spots (3)
  • Eliminate opponents (25)
  • Hurdle over objects (15)
  • Reach 10 players remaining in a match

The first challenge is self-explanatory as you will automatically unlock it once you start a match, but we will cover the rest of the Challenges below in more detail. 

Visit The Citadel, Anvil Square, and Shattered Slabs

All locations you need to visit for week 1 Explorer Challenges.

All three of these POIs are completely new to Fortnite and are clustered together on the left side of the map. You can travel to them all in the same game, or split up your journey across multiple matches. The Challenge indicator will pop up once you enter one of these areas, confirming you have visited it and gained completion progress.

Fortnite Chapter 4 Explorer Challenges: Search Oathbound Chests

Oathbound Chests are a new type of chest only found in the new medieval inspired POIs, like The Citadel. They are long and silver, very distinctly different from the normal chests that are looted in Fortnite. They also make a different sound when nearby. You’ll need to open five of these and this is cumulative, so you can complete this across multiple matches.

Collect a Shockwave Hammer and an Ex-Caliber Rifle in a single match

These two weapons are completely new to Fortnite. The Shockwave Hammer is a super powered melee weapon that slams the ground, creating a powerful shockwave that launches enemies and can destroy buildings. It can also be used as a means of traversal, as you can also launch yourself with it. The Ex-Caliber Rifle is a powerful rifle that shoots out swords, which stick into enemies and the environment and explode after a short duration. While you can loot these anywhere, including off of defeated enemies, Oathbound Chests seem to have a high drop rate for them. You will need to carry both of them in your inventory at the same time to complete this Challenge.

Fortnite Chapter 4 Week 1 Explorer Challenges: Activate Augments

Activate 20 augments to complete this Week 1 Fortnite Explorer Challenge.

Augments are a new type of power up that are offered to every player 4 times throughout the course of a match. This means, at most, you’ll have the opportunity to activate 4 augments each match you play, so this Challenge will take multiple matches to complete. Additionally, each time an augment is offered, two different augments can be chosen at random. Players can choose to reroll, gaining a choice of two different augments; however, they are only allowed one reroll for free per match. Any additional rerolls will cost Gold. It doesn’t matter which augments you choose to activate, just activate 20 of them.

Land at Hotspots

Each match three POIs close to the Battle Bus’ path will have their names highlighted in gold. This denotes that they are hotspots for this match. This means that there will be extra loot and higher quality loot available in these areas and that more players are likely to land here. Players need to land at hotspots three times to complete this Challenge. Players can only land once per match, so you’ll need to do this across three different matches.

Eliminate Opponents – Fortnite Week 1 Explorer Challenges

Get eliminations to finish this Fortnite Week 1 Explorer Challenge.

This can be done across all of the main Battle Royale game modes; however, only your individual eliminations count. So if you are playing with a team then your teammates kills will not count towards your progress. There are plenty of ways to eliminate opponents in Fortnite and all of them will count toward this Challenge as long as you get the final blow.

Hurdle Over Objects

Hurdle 15 objects to finish this Fortnite Explorer Challenge.

The ability to hurdle objects is a new mechanic in Fortnite Chapter 4; however, it is super simple to do. All players need to do is sprint into waist high objects, like fences or tables, and their character will automatically jump over them with a new animation. You’ll need to do this 15 times and can do it all in the same match or across multiple matches. Also, you can hurdle the same object 15 times to quickly grind this to completion!

Reach 10 Players Remaining in a Match

Fortnite matches are generally full, meaning you’ll be up against 99 other players. Depending on your play-style and comfort level with the game, you may roam freely taking on fights or play more cautiously hiding on the edge of the circle and only fighting when necessary. No matter how you decide to do it, reaching 10 players left in a match shouldn’t be too much of a struggle as long as you loot up and play smart.

High on Life Guide: Should you Kill 5-Torg?

High on Life presents players with lots of interesting scenarios. You’re given an arsenal of talking weapons including a very homicidal knife, there are several movies that can be watched, and you can even buy a jar of alien sperm (Yes, that’s a real thing that happens in the game). One of the most interesting scenarios presented to players involves the alien criminal 5-Torg. High on Life gives you the option of killing her following a fight with her clone, 9-Torg. The question is, should you?

Where is 5-Torg in High on Life?

Getting to 5-Torg in High on Life will require you to fight 9-Torg. Your first mission in High on Life will require you to kill 9-Torg. After getting some equipment from Gene, you’ll head to the slums and find 9-Torg as well as Knifey the angry knife. Before you get to her, you’ll have to kill several alien henchmen. Eventually, you’ll reach 9-Torg and discover that she’s captured her sister, 5-Torg, and plans to kill her. This leads to a boss fight.

High on Life: Should you Kill 5-Torg?

After defeating her clone sister, 5-Torg reveals to you that every Torg is an evil clone and that she’ll probably just replace 9-Torg now that you’ve killed her. With this revealed, you can choose to either leave her alone or attack her. Attacking her will begin another boss fight. Killing 5-Torg will cause your weapon to congratulate you on beating a secret boss. The death of 5-Torg will not affect the story of High on Life. It doesn’t even give you an achievement. Letting her live won’t have any consequences either.

In the end, it doesn’t matter if you kill 5-Torg or not unless you want some extra dialog from High on Life. You won’t have to worry about regretting your decision to kill her or let her live. So stop thinking about her, and focus on all the other alien bad guys you’ll need to hunt down.

Google Result for Your Question Just a Webpage That Doesn’t Know the Answer Either

PLANO, Texas — Despite indications that the site was presenting itself as containing relevant information, sources say that a Google search result for local man George Horbin’s question returned a webpage which didn’t know the answer to his question either.

“In preparation to start Pokémon Scarlet, I was researching differences between the two versions to find out what starter I should pick in my save,” said Horbin. “With such a simple and answerable question, I never suspected it would be difficult to find a relevant search result, but the first link I clicked was just 5,000 words about the game’s plotline with my question repeated at the bottom and no clear answer.”

Horbin became surprised after discovering the same issue with many of the other articles returned on the first page of his search results.

“The second article went on at length about the history of Pokémon and how the designs have grown more stylized with each generation,” Horbin continued. “After another 5,000 words or so I finally reached the explanatory section of the article I was so desperate for, but to my surprise the final paragraph merely stated there was no confirmation yet about what each game’s version-exclusive Pokémon were. The writers stalled for 5,000 words and they didn’t even know! In fact, they asked readers to inform them in the comments section. The absolute nerve!”

An editor of one of the high-SEO websites issued a statement defending their tactics for deceptively engaging readers.

“It came to our attention that our readers have misunderstood the title of our recent article, ‘There Are Definitely Differences Between Pokémon Scarlet and Violet’, which is obviously implied to have a question mark at the end,” said Sam Johnson, Editor of findanswershere.com. “We apologize for the confusion resulting from this misunderstanding. In response, we’ve reprimanded the AI that writes all of our content. The bot’s machine learning model has since been adjusted to begin each article with a few paragraphs about how it feels like a worthless failure, which we think will lead to even further increased engagement from our readers.”

At press time, findanswershere.com had reportedly published its hundredth fake film trailer made from spliced-together MCU footage.

Woman Spends 20 Minutes Finding Perfect Video to Watch During Meal She Spent 6 Minutes Making

ST. LOUIS — Searching tirelessly for the perfect YouTube clip, local woman Carla Terrence spent over 20 minutes browsing for the video accompaniment to the meal she only spent six minutes making.

“Sure, the food was half-assed and crudely prepared and plated, but when looking for the video to eat is when I become a connoisseur,” Terrence explained. “I couldn’t give a shit what I put into my body, it’s about what video essay I watch while I do so. They’ll tell you the perfect video is just a fantasy, but if you search enough, you’ll find something with the exact length and engagement to sync up just right. I’d rather eat hastily-burned garbage with a good video than eat a filet mignon in cold silence like some peasant.”

“Besides,” she added. “I’d cook more interesting stuff if I had the time, but I’m just way too busy.”

Terrence’s roommate, Annie MacDonald, claimed that Terrence frequently takes far too long to select her dinnertime YouTube video.

“Sometimes I’ll come downstairs in the morning and she’s still there trying to pick what to eat with last night’s dinner, which is now cold and disgusting,” MacDonald said. “If she put this much work into cooking, I’d be dining in a five-star restaurant every night. Sometimes she even starts a video and after thirty seconds clicks away, determined to find something better. I try to tell her that she doesn’t need to have something playing just to finish a leftover sandwich, but she just scoffs and scrolls deeper into her subscriptions tab, tirelessly trolling for the flawless vlog or gaming commentary.”

At press time, sources close to Terrence reported that the situation had worsened after she began searching for a good video to watch while she searched for the perfect video to watch while enjoying her meal.

Wii Steering Wheel Attachment Makes It Through Another Round of Cabinet Reorganizing

TAMPA, Fla. — Local gamer Perch Goldman has announced that the steering wheel attachment for his Nintendo Wii has made it through another round of cleaning and will remain in his cabinet for the time being.

“It was a close one this year, but eventually it seemed worth it to keep it around a little while in case I want to boot up Mario Kart with some friends sometime,” said Goldman, shortly after the purge.

All of Goldman’s other Wii Remote attachments, such as the tennis attachment for Wii Sports and the rifle attachment for Buck Country: Extreme Hunting, were removed by 2014, as Goldman claimed they were not worth the space in the bin at the bottom of his cabinet full of equipment for his Wii.

“Honestly, the first time I used that stupid rifle attachment I knew it wasn’t worth keeping. And the Wii Sports things were fun when I was a kid, but I’m a man now and I understand that it’s not a real baseball bat, it’s just plastic,” Goldman explained. “But there’s something about that steering wheel that makes it worth keeping around.

Goldman’s steering wheel seemed relieved for the moment, yet understood just how close things had come this time.

“I thought this was it for me,” the steering wheel attachment told reporters, aggressively puffing a cigarette and wiping sweat from its plastic steering forehead. “He hasn’t used me in 3 years, and that was ironically. I thought I was a goner. Thought I was done for. Getting sent out to pasture,” he said, taking a long drag. “Who knows if I’m gonna pull it off again next year. Not me, that’s for goddamn sure. But we made it one more year. One more year…”

At press time, a cabinet-wide memorial service was being held for Goldman’s gaming accessories who were not lucky enough to avoid disposal this time, including his PS2 memory card and the manual to his otherwise lost copy of Super Mario Strikers for GameCube.