Star Wars Jedi Survivor Fish Tank Guide: How to Clean the Tank

Posted on by Noah Hunter

When progressing through Star Wars Jedi: Survivor, you’ll eventually unlock a fish tank that you can put plenty of fish in. After first looking upon the tank, you should notice it is incredibly dirty and surely not fit to house fish inside. The game does not give you a clear explanation of how to clean the tank, but luckily for you, we’ve got you covered with exactly how you can clean the fish tank in Jedi: Survivor.

Where Is the Fish Tank?

The fish tank is located at Pyloon’s Saloon. You’ll need to head up the stairs next to the bar to reach the aquarium. Until you reach a certain point in the main story and talk to Skoova Stev, you won’t be able to access this area.

How to Clean the Fish Tank in Star Wars Jedi: Survivor

To clean the tank, you’ll need to search and find Skoova Stev. He is a fisherman that Cal is able to recruit on Koboh. After talking to him, you’ll now be able to head to different areas and speak with him to collect fish. If you see and interact with Skoova Stev in the wild, he’ll catch a fish and send it over to the fish tank. As more fish end up in the tank, the tank will start to become cleaner and cleaner!

Once you are able to collect four different fish in the fish tank, it will be fully spotless from top to bottom. In total, there are twelve different fish you can collect in your time throughout Star Wars Jedi: Survivor to clean the fish tank.

Star Wars Jedi: Survivor – Where to Find Fish

The twelve species are scattered across the planets of Koboh and Jehda. You’ll encounter Skoova Stev at each of these locations, so you’ll know if you’ve found the right spot immediately. If you want to make quick work of your enemies while you find these fish, check out our guide for the best stance in Star Wars Jedi: Survivor.

Slight Problem With Windows Solved With Massive Inconvenience of Switching to Linux

Posted on by Charles Bill

LONDON — Common sense prevailed today as a slight problem with the OS Windows was solved with the massive inconvenience of switching to Linux, sweaty sources confirmed.

“I kept getting a message asking me to update my Windows version,” said new Linux convert Adam Morgan. “I got frustrated by it, but then I remembered that my buddy Donnie had mentioned that Linux is better a few hundred times, mostly when completely unprompted. I finally took his advice and spent hours watching videos on which operating system would be best for me. Only four days and three freakouts later, I was done, had a new operating system installed, and I fucking despise it. I don’t want to use the command line constantly. I’m not in an episode of CSI where they need to fake hacking. I just want to play Steam games, but that shit is impossible now. Fuck you, Donnie.”

Despite Morgan’s frustration with his new operating system, those close to him still insisted that it was the superior OS for everyone.

“I’m glad Adam finally saw the light,” said psychopathic Linux acolyte Donnie Oakes. “When people start realizing that the best OS is not only free, but simple to use, they’ll switch over en masse from Shitdows. It couldn’t be easier to use Steam, for example. All you have to do is install Steam for Linux, Google ‘How to run my game on Linux,’ follow four different solutions that work for everyone else but somehow don’t work for you, write your own post on a Linux message board, wait for the other fifteen people there to respond, and then just use VMWare to run a Windows box to play it in. Then, you can finally have some peace, never having to deal with those annoying Windows update notifications again.”

According to the creator, the inconvenient elements of Linux were a feature, not a bug, meant to attract a specific type of user.

“I developed Linux specifically for weirdos,” said Linus Torvalds, who started programming Linux in 1991. “Windows had already existed for a while, and it was getting too popular. I wanted to give pretentious tech virgins something to call their own. So, I designed Linux to be so confusing that no regular person would ever use it. Take the names of different distros — Ubuntu, Kali Linux, Centox, Arch Linux, Debian. What’s the difference between all these? Nothing really. There’s just so many of them to confuse and divide the nerds who download them. And they love it. Look at them. There are few things more enjoyable than seeing these mouth breathing geeks try to draw a circle in GIMP.”

At press time, Morgan had punched through his computer monitor when he started believing that Tux the Linux penguin was smugly taunting him.

Burnt-Out MatPat Claims Mario and Luigi Could Be Related in Lazy New Game Theory Video

Posted on by Camden Brazile

MEDINA, Ohio — Feeling creatively drained from years of theory videos, YouTuber Mathew Patrick, better known by the moniker MatPat, delivered a lazy new game theory today that suggests Mario and Luigi might be related. 

“What if…I don’t know…Mario and Luigi could be brothers or something?” an exhausted MatPat lazily suggested in a recent ten-minute theory video. “They seem pretty chill with each other. Maybe they are brothers or cousins or something? Sure, that could be true. What do you want from me? Whatever, Mario and Luigi are also in Five Nights at Freddy’s. I know this because, um, it’s in one of the FNaF books. You’re not going to read them, what do you know? Fuck you.”

GameTheory fans seemed still impressed despite the video’s lack of usual research. 

“I can’t believe how he used math, data, and Easter Eggs to posit that the Mario Brothers may be related, I never even thought about that!” said commenter Eric Sanderson. “He’s so smart, yet funny. He informs, yet entertains! I can tell he’s maybe running out of steam a little bit, but he still managed to find copious amounts of proof that Mario and Luigi have to be related in some way. This video cracked the Mario lore wide open, and I can’t wait to see what he does next! I just hope one of them turns out to be in Undertale all along.”

At press time, sources reported that MatPat was working on another theory video, in which he spends fifteen minutes mathematically proving that real life hedgehogs are probably not actually blue. 

‘Tears of the Kingdom’ Spoilers Leak as Nintendo Uncles Prepare to Strike

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

REDMOND, Wash. — Spoilers for Nintendo’s upcoming Zelda game Tears of the Kingdom have begun to leak as uncles working at the company prepare a strike, according to those familiar with the situation.

“As the keepers of the spoilers, we can’t help but feel like this is management leaking stuff last minute to make us look bad as we come to negotiate a better contract,” said Saul Kaufman, union captain for The United Guild of Nintendo Uncles (UGNU). “We’re not asking for anything unfair here. We want better pay, better working conditions, better secrets to give to our nephews so they can look cool in front of their friends in elementary school, and better safety precautions. We don’t want to give away secrets that we feel Nintendo doesn’t have — we just want an equitable amount. These days, being an uncle who works at Nintendo is becoming a job that people simply cannot afford to have and it makes me sad.”

According to close sources, Nintendo is doing what they can to prolong the strike without having to negotiate better terms for the uncles they employ.

“Ahead of the uncles strike, Nintendo is looking around to hire dozens of older men with no nieces or nephews, and in some drastic cases, no siblings at all, to work as scabs,” said one insider who wished to remain anonymous. “We also know that Nintendo is looking to shed some heftier projects they couldn’t get out of and want to use the strike as an excuse. So any uncle-related projects, like Master Chief coming to the new Smash Bros. or the new Pokemon game in development where you get to use a gun, could end up on the cutting room floor. We don’t know for sure if the current Tears of the Kingdom leak is from Nintendo itself or just because the uncles are preparing not to go to work tomorrow, but it definitely looks like a good sign for the UGNU.”

At press time, uncles working at Nintendo were reportedly making signs that say “here’s a spoiler: we want better treatment!” and “my uncle works at Nintendo… when he can afford to!”

Star Wars Jedi Survivor Best Stance Guide: Which Stance to Use

Posted on by Noah Hunter

Star Wars Jedi: Survivor offers a number of different lightsaber stances that you can equip on Cal Kestis. Each of these stances has perks in different situations, which means it might be tricky to utilize certain lightsaber stances against certain encounters or enemies. Below, we’ve outlined some of the best stances in Jedi Survivor, which can assist you on your journey as you trek across the galaxy.

What Is the Best Lightsaber Stance in Star Wars Jedi: Survivor?

While stances like Crossguard & Double-Bladed are obvious choices in certain situations, there is no set “best stance” in Jedi Survivor that you can use throughout the entire game. As aforementioned, each stance has its perks and drawbacks, which can make things either a breeze or quite tricky depending on who you’re up against. Let’s take a look at what encounters are best for each stance.

Single Blade Stance – Most balanced option, best for single enemies or groups up to 3. If you upgrade this stance and select a good amount of perks, it can be extremely resourceful throughout battle. It’s probably the easiest stance to utilize as it is the “standard”, however, certain other stances shine in situations above the single blade.

Double-Bladed Stance – Great for large enemy encounters in groups around you. Has a good amount of reach that while not as powerful as the other options allows for a significant amount of defense. If you’re facing a group of enemies, the double-bladed stance is your best friend.

Dual Wielding Stance – Dual Wield is a stance that can give some of the most fun Jedi Survivor offers. It’s extremely quick and allows you to deal loads of damage, however, you can be left open for attack especially with the dual blades. This is a stance that requires plenty of time and dedication to learn so you can further develop your parry times, melee defense, and more. The biggest problem with this stance is stamina, which is extremely lacking.

Blaster Stance – The Blaster Stance allows for Cal to pick up his trusty blaster and wield it alongside a lightsaber. You’re able to charge up your Blaster to deal a charged attack which can deal massive amounts of damage to your enemies. This is perfect for enemies at a distance, but it really struggles once you get up close. If you’re facing stormtroopers up close, it’s probably best to pick a different stance.

Crossguard Stance – Want to wield a lightsaber like Kylo Ren? This is the one for you! You’ll be able to deal incredibly powerful swings with this stance, but that comes at a cost. Since they are so slow, it’s not certain you’ll hit each enemy. This means you have to get the timing down for this stance to really see it shine at its best. When it hits though, there might not be a better stance in the game, especially for boss battles or 1v1 close encounters.

That’s all you need to know about the best lightsaber stance in Star Wars Jedi: Survivor for every situation. Pair these with the best perks in the game and you’ll be smooth sailing throughout your journey.

Humiliated Teen Accidentally Calls His Teacher Samus

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PARAMUS, N.J. — High school sophomore Brian Wilkins found his social status in freefall after a humiliating incident in which he accidentally called his history teacher Samus, classmates have reported on social media.

“This is all being blown out of proportion! I stayed up late playing Metroid Prime last night so I have like, hours of Chozo lore in my head. That’s all this is. Plus, is history class not American lore? Is Miss Clemmons not the badass warrior woman leading us through ancient worlds? Fuck. I’m making it worse, aren’t I?” said Wilkins, shortly before locking his social media accounts. “All I wanted to ask was if I could use the bathroom. Now everyone is calling me ‘baby Metroid’ and asking if I’m going to crash my Orpheon into her impact crater. I don’t even want to see what people are going to write in my yearbook.”

Brain’s teacher Rebecca Clemmons wrote off the comment as a run-of-the-mill Freudian slip, but couldn’t help but admit the comment was odd.

“Being in a position of authority, my colleagues and I have all seen every Freudian slip under the sun. But I’m a 43-year-old cat mom from Philadelphia, so how he looked at me and saw an intergalactic space mercenary is beyond me. Still, it’s better than being called a dumb bitch by some little shithead like every other day,” said Clemmons. “Though I have to admit that after I looked up what Samus looked like, I might return that blue one-piece bathing suit I just bought.”

School psychologist Henry Abrams has found embarrassing misnomers involving video game characters and teachers becoming more rampant in recent years.

“Video games are so woven into the fabric of Gen Z’s upbringing that between playing games, watching people playing games, and being chronically online, the border between reality and fiction begins to blur. So it’s much more commonplace to see students unconsciously refer to educators as video game characters. The amount of kids I see come into my office after referring to the school librarian as Cortana is frankly shocking,” said Abrams. “While Mister Wilkins’ gaffe may be hard to live down, it’s not a life sentence. I wouldn’t be too concerned unless he’s putting hours and hours into maining Zero Suit Samus in Smash Bros. Then, we’d have to get the guidance counselor involved.”

Later in the day, Wilkins called his parents from the main office begging to transfer schools after calling the gym teacher Bayonetta.

 

Timothée Chalamet to Star in Untitled “Young Timothee Chalamet” Biopic

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

LOS ANGELES — Teen heartthrob Timothée Chalamet is rumored to star in the yet-untitled feature film Young Timothée Chalamet, a biographical drama that portrays the life and times of actor Timothée Chalamet.

“It’s been tough whittling down from the auditions, but I think we’re on the edge of picking a real winner,” said casting director Maxim Bennet to Deadline. “We just don’t wanna lock ourselves into anything quite yet. Timothée Chalamet could be our Young Timothée Chalamet, but we still have to explore options. All I can say is that fans of a certain actor whose name rhymes with Shmimomee Schmalamet are in for a real treat.”

Attached screenwriter to the project Charlie Kaufman was excited about the prospect of Chalamet’s casting.

“I’m about to go Full Kauf on this, I swear to fucking Christ,” said Kaufman, smacking his wet lips, salivating. “Just foot to the floor. If we can get our hands on that sweet little angel, we’re gonna be looking at something huge. This is gonna be to Being John Malkovich what Hocus Pocus 2 was to Hocus Pocus. At least, I hope so. That was a perfect sequel.”

Despite the hearsay, Chalamet seemed lukewarm on the prospect of his casting.

“I’m a good little boy. I go where I’m kicked,” said the sizzling Hollywood starlet. “They keep telling me I’m a star, but every star dies and collapses in on itself eventually. How long before I fade into obscurity? Before I’m wrung dry, cast aside? Today, I might be Young Timothée Chalamet, but tomorrow, I’ll be Old Timothée Chalamet, and before I know it, I’ll be Dead Timothée Chalamet. The snake will eat its tail. I will be replaced. And so to you.”

Chalamet stared blankly, letting the ash on a lit cigarette burn down to his knuckles. 

“So yeah, I’m pretty hopeful,” he concluded. “I think I’d capture the character well.”

UPDATE: The rumour has been dispelled, with sources reporting that Chris Pratt has been cast as Young Chalemet, with the titular actor making only a brief cameo as his own father.

Star Wars Jedi Survivor New Game Plus: All New Features

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Star Wars Jedi Survivor players will likely be getting to the game’s conclusion throughout the game’s initial week, and many may be wondering if the game features new game plus. The game’s predecessor, Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order, featured new game plus mode, but not until it was added after launch. Fans will likely be a bit happier this time around, though. Read on to learn all about new game plus mode!

Does Star Wars Jedi Survivor Have New Game Plus?

Yes, Star Wars Jedi: Survivor features a new game plus mode! Unlocked after the completion of your first journey in a galaxy far, far away, New Journey+ is the mode to have fresh adventures in Jedi: Survivor. While players don’t keep all of their skills, they will get all of their current skills converted into skill points to use at the first meditation spot that they come across. In addition, all five of the game’s stances will be available from the beginning in this mode.

Are There New Unlocks in New Journey Plus?

Yes! In addition to keeping all of their previous unlocks in various forms, players unlock a couple of new features in this new mode. First, three new Star Wars Jedi: Survivor perks are available to players in new game plus, each of which changes how the game plays. Those three perks are:

  • Trendsetter: randomizes your cosmetics on each death
  • Purity: increases all damage dealt by both enemies & allies
  • Warrior: increases difficulty of combat encounters by adding different, more difficult enemies

In addition, a couple of new lightsaber colors are present: red & party. Use red to embrace your inner dark side. Meanwhile, the new party blade is perfect for indecisive Jedi, as this blade cycles through colors as Cal fights.

That’s all you need to know about Star Wars Jedi: Survivor new game plus mode! If you’re being more thorough with puzzles in your new playthrough, check out our Chamber of Reason solution to save some time.

Every Project Chris Pratt Currently Has in Development

Posted on by Camden Brazile

It sure feels like Chris Pratt is starring in a lot of upcoming movies, but has anyone actually compiled each and every upcoming appearance? Yes. We have. Here’s every project Chris Pratt currently has in development.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023)

Pratt will be returning to the Marvel Cinematic Universe this May despite reports of behind the scenes conflict between the actor and Baby Groot.

Trip to CostCo (Next Week)

Deadline reported that Pratt will be making the journey to CostCo next Tuesday to pick up some bulk groceries. 

Garfield (2024)

Longtime Garfield fans applauded the choice of Pratt, believing the actor can authentically portray the homophobia of the comic strip cat

Guardians of the Galaxy Martin Luther King Day Special (2025)

Marvel has confirmed another Disney+ holiday special in which the Guardians of the Galaxy have a wacky, hilarious contemplation of the late Civil Rights leader. 

The Mario Movie 2 (TBD)

Despite his oft ridiculed voice performance in the first film, Pratt decided to return to the role of Mario after thinking his guest house could use another pool. 

Religion Cop (TBD)

Chris Pratt stars in this new film as a police officer who is shunned by his community solely for being Christian after shooting an unarmed teen.

Garfield 2 (2026)

Garfield 2 was immediately greenlit after executives saw the first movie trending on social media following mass disgust at the announcement of Chris Pratt’s casting.

Career Suicide (TBD)

While not officially confirmed yet, fans expect this to be in Pratt’s inevitable future.

Redfall Release Time & Date Guide: When & Where Can You Play?

Posted on by Parker Johnson

One of the first big games from Bethesda since the Microsoft acquisition, Redfall is right around the corner, with some players wondering about the game’s release time. Luckily, it seems that players in North America can get their hands on the game in time to get a head start on Monday, May 1. Here’s when you can play Redfall, with the exact release time.

When Does Redfall Come Out? Redfall Release Time

A map showing the Redfall release time in various countries & territories.

It’s been confirmed by the official Redfall Twitter that Redfall has a release time of 8:00 PM EDT, and 5:00 PM PDT on Monday, May 1. This means that North American players looking to play the game early will be able to get in a good session a night before the game’s official release date. Get your squad together by Monday evening and you should be able to have a fulfilling night of vampire slaying earlier than expected.

Is Redfall on Game Pass?

Yes, Redfall will be available on Game Pass on the exact date of release! As long as you’re a Game Pass member, you can play the game included with your membership. Considering that this game is at the new current-gen premium price of $69.99 USD, we would absolutely recommend getting a Game Pass membership to play Arkane’s newest game.

Can I Preload Redfall?

Redfall is currently available for preload! You can start your download early on any platform, whether you’re playing on Game Pass, or if you’ve purchased on your Xbox console or Steam. Get this preload done early so you can play Redfall right at its release time!

That’s all you need to know about the game’s release! Enjoy playing this new game from Arkane. If you’re more of a single player gamer, though, check out our guides hub for Star Wars Jedi: Survivor to get answers to all of your burning questions!