The 12 Most Controversial Disneyland and Disney World Attractions

Posted on by Camden Brazile

Though generally thought of as a vacation destination safe for the entire family, Disneyland and Disney World have never been without their share of controversy. Here is a quick rundown of some of the legendary theme parks’ more notorious attractions:

The Hall of Just-the-Slave-Owning Presidents

After numerous complaints about the divisive Hall of Presidents, Disney finally amended the attraction to just include the ones that owned slaves.

Statue of Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse

Many park goers have asked the statue to be taken down after becoming familiar with the lengthy history of antisemitism from Mickey Mouse

The Twin Towers of Terror

This 2001 remodeling of the infamous Tower of Terror was not the respectful, solemn tribute Disney planned on.

Jungle Cruise

This longtime Disney river ride famously had to be recently redesigned after park goers found its relation to the abysmal Dwayne Johnson movie offensive

Giant Shrine to Adolf Hitler

The imagineers kind of dropped the ball with this one

Bambi’s Mom Steakhouse

The food here is pretty good, but it’s all just in shockingly poor taste. Don’t let your children read the kid’s menu, whatever you do

‘This World Is Huge, Frankly’

A less popular counterpoint to the classic “It’s a small world after all,” exhibit, this wildly unpopular water ride is three hours long and is infamous for its lack of bathroom breaks.

The Last Jedi Pavilion

While some fans stick up for this section of the park, others believe it insults longtime fans of other pavilions and disregards everything they liked about past areas

Goofy the Dog’s Poppers and Quaalude Shop

These specialty shops have drawn the ire of parents since they started appearing in the park several years ago, but are unlikely to be taken away anytime soon, due to their massive popularity with the children.

Splash Mountain

What the fuck? Oh great, now I’m gonna be wet all day.

Chip N Dale’s Dumpster Dive

This guided tour of the alley where the park’s restaurants keep their garbage inspires much controversy, with critics saying it boils down to park guests being charged to eat trash. 

A Black Man

Conservatives have begun boycotting Disneyland after the corporation shamelessly went woke and allowed a black guest into the park

New Immersive Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge Experience Will Let You Direct Meandering Season of Television

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

ANAHEIM, Calif. — A new exhibit at the popular Star Wars Galaxy’s Edge section of the Disneyland Resort will now let visitors produce and direct an underwhelming season of a Star Wars television show, sources have confirmed. 

“Wow, I’m actually in the Star Wars universe,” proclaimed Galaxy’s Edge visitor Nicole Jeffers, as she crossed off storyboarded scenes of Grogu and The Mandalorian going on what looked like really cool space adventures. “It was really fun having drinks in the Cantina and seeing the bridge of the Millennium Falcon, but sitting in the editing bay and helping make sure we produced ten episodes of overly convoluted stories that were in no way what people wanted from us, well, that’s what really makes the ticket worth the price of admission. I can’t wait to come back!” 

The new addition to Galaxy’s Edge will let customers script their own shows, squander their potential, and even pitch their own distracting stunt casting to employees posing as Lucasfilm executives. 

“This was so fun, I pitched a scene with George W. Bush and Keith Richards as Tusken Raiders and the guy said it was a perfect fit,” said Matt Cartwright, a fellow Disneyland visitor. “Then after we shot it in a garage instead of an actual desert, I got to go in front of a fake media and talk about why I thought it was no big deal to sort of just do whatever you want with a television show every week. Fuck it!” 

Dave Filoni, creator of The Mandalorian, has reportedly been keeping an eye on the activities at the popular new section of the park. 

“I’ve been hearing some really great ideas here,” said Filoni, dressed as Chewbacca so as not to be recognized. “We’re always looking for some new writers and directors to make some truly inexplicable decisions and fuck up what ought to be surefire home runs. After what I’ve seen here today, the future of Star Wars is looking very good!” 

As of press time, it was revealed that the next addition to Galaxy’s Edge would be a little desk you could sit at and cancel upcoming Star Wars movies. 

Disney Reveals Jar Jar Series Doomsday Clock Closer to Midnight Than Ever

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

BURBANK — Disney executives revealed today that the giant symbolic clock that tracks how close we are to production of a Jar Jar Binks series has never been closer to midnight. 

“Frankly, we’re running out of stuff to hyper focus on,” said Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy earlier today. “Following Solo, Obi-Wan, Boba Fett, the prequel trilogy, the sequel trilogy, and the upcoming sequel to the sequel trilogy, there’s really not too many more ways to go with this shit. It’s not a matter of if there’s going to be some intolerable resurgence in Jar Jar Binks, it’s a matter of when. Frankly, weesa very worried it’ll be sooner than we’re ready for.” 

“Oh, god damn it,” she added.

The news of the clock reaching just 30 seconds from midnight, the closest it’s ever been, shook many fans to their core. 

“That’s the scariest shit I’ve heard in a while,” said Mike Dorman, a local Star Wars fan. “We all knew it was a possibility, hell maybe even inevitable, but you hope it happens after you and your children are gone. By the way, I don’t know why they built a separate Jar Jar Binks TV Show Doomsday Clock next to the original Doomsday Clock, since we’re talking about it. If you ask me, they both seem a little grim.”

Other fans, however, rejoiced at the news that others had found so upsetting. 

“I don’t know why so many people are freaking out,” said Jamie Clausen, another fan. “I grew up on the prequels and personally love them. They have more charm in a single scene than any Star Wars films since, frankly. Also, is a Jar Jar show going to be much worse than the Boba Fett series that was barely about Boba Fett? We at least should give it a shot. Otherwise they’re just gonna keep finding reasons to bring the Emperor back. Is that what you want?” 

As of press time, George Lucas had threatened to come down to Disney and discuss ideas for the untitled Jar Jar Binks project, causing the clock to inch several seconds further to doomsday. 

Impressive Red Dead Redemption 2 Update Will Actually Make Room Stink Like Horse Shit

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — A surprise update to 2018’s Red Dead Redemption 2 will add 4K textures to characters as well as make the room the game is being played in stink of horse excrement, sources have confirmed. 

“We’ve finally done it,” said Rob Nelson, one of the critically acclaimed game’s producers. “We’ve fully realized our vision of America’s grimey past, to the extent that your roommates are gonna wonder what stinks in your bedroom when you play it. Red Dead 2 is now the first game that you can immerse all of your senses in, between the gorgeous graphics and sound, the HD rumble on your controller, and now the way your computer will stink like shit. All you need is a glass of strong whiskey to sip on to complete the experience.” 

“Or mud would work if you don’t have any whiskey,” he added. “You could put some mud in your mouth.” 

Fans were skeptical about the necessity of the open world game’s most realistic update yet. 

“I’ve been playing Red Dead Redemption 2 for years,” said Andy Stewart, a local gamer. “It’s one of the best video games of all time, I really believe that. And frankly, it’s perfect to me. I don’t need any updates. I can’t really tell the difference between the 4K textures or whatever it’s supposed to be. And I don’t really love that my Steam Deck smells like an outhouse when I play the game now. I didn’t need for it to do all of that.” 

As of press time, Rockstar confirmed that the labor required of the shit-smelling update would cause an indefinite delay of Grand Theft Auto 6.

Xbox Can Sense That Controller Has Been Unfaithful

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

WESTLAKE, Ohio — A local Xbox Series X has reported feeling an intuitive suspicion that its controller has been pairing with other devices, several sources reported.

“We used to connect so effortlessly,” said the Xbox, who said that the two have been together since being packed into the same retail box in 2020. “Now he’ll disappear for days on end and it’s like I don’t even recognize him when he comes back. The natural rhythm is gone and we have to go through this whole process just to be able to communicate with each other. I don’t want to believe that he’s been seeing someone else, but I can’t think of any other explanation.”

The controller in question stated that it had never tried to hide anything and that the Xbox was overstating the seriousness of their relationship.

“It’s not like we said we were exclusive. There’s another set of sticks in that living room,” said the controller, referring to a seldom used PowerA gamepad that usually sits on a shelf, wrapped in its own cord. “Plus, our user’s buddy Brent always brings his own controller when he comes over to play Rocket League. I don’t see the Xbox denying that connection out of ‘faithfulness.’ We both know what this relationship is.”

A nearby PC opined that it was actually much closer with the controller than the Xbox.

“I can treat the controller better, the way he deserves to be treated,” said the PC, who stressed that it hadn’t yet been built when the Xbox was first purchased, so it was technically younger. “We just have more flexibility. If there’s ever so much as a twinge of awkwardness, it’s a snap to remap the buttons until we’re comfortable again. It’s also easier to keep things fresh when you have access to thousands of games through multiple storefronts and emulators. I just got Game Pass Ultimate, too. I wouldn’t be surprised if things get exclusive between us, now. Who even wants that Xbox hanging around anymore?”

At press time, late reports indicated that the gamepad had come crawling back to the Xbox after its user had purchased an Elite controller.

Man Left Covering Ears All Night as Friends Forget to Signal End of Spoiler Talk

Posted on by Cameron Snow

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Desperately protecting himself from spoilers for the latest season of Succession, Jared Bernhardt reportedly shielded his ears all night as his friends neglected to signal the conclusion of their spoiler-ridden conversation.

“Sure, my arms were on fire after the third hour of covering my ears, but I couldn’t take any chances,” said Bernhardt, clasping his hands over his ears. “I’ve had countless shows spoiled for me, and I refuse to let it happen again. You never really know when a spoiler is coming — I remember the beauty of hearing my baby boy’s first words, but in hindsight I feel like an ignorant fool as I was completely vulnerable to the possibility of him blurting out a spoiler.”

According to witnesses, Bernhardt’s friends expressed increasing concern for him as the night progressed.

“We were done discussing spoilers after like three minutes,” confirmed Bernhardt’s lifelong friend Wayne Mercado. “But then we spent hours trying to get him to move his hands. We tried all kinds of gestures, but he just kept asking if we were messing with him. We even wrote ‘SPOILER TALK DONE’ on a piece of paper and tried showing him, but he just shut his eyes and turned away in fear. He’s like a sheltered dog whose trust has been broken one too many times. I pray that someday he’ll trust again.”

Bernhardt’s boss, electrician Lydia Fuller, was reportedly livid when she received complaints of Bernhardt installing light fixtures at clients’ homes using only his mouth, since his hands were occupied.

“I tried to fire him, but it’s impossible when he can’t hear what I’m saying,” confirmed Fuller. “So I must rely on my fallback plan of hiring a full-time spoiler bodyguard to follow Jared on the job. He is trained in hand-to-hand combat and ready to neutralize any perceived threats. With luck, this arrangement will suffice until Jared is caught up all the way.”

At press time, Bernhardt was furious at himself after witnessing an old man die, allowing his brain to consider the possibility that Logan Roy could die too during the final season of Succession.

Writers Strike Accelerates NBC’s Plan to Replace Every Show With ‘The Voice’

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

NEW YORK — Following the announcement that the WGA would be striking starting Tuesday, May 2nd, NBC revealed the strike will force them to speed up their plan of making The Voice the only show available on television.

“By 2024, The Voice was going to be the sole source of entertainment for anyone trying to watch TV. We’ve had this timetable locked in since the network started,” said Mark Lazarus, Chairman of NBCUniversal Television and Streaming. “This writer’s strike is unfortunate, but it also presents an opportunity to accelerate our plans. Soon, you won’t be able to swing a cat without hitting Blake Shelton’s beautiful, beautiful face.”

“Sure, The Voice has existed since 2011, but we want to make this very clear: if you don’t like seeing it 24/7 across all our channels, you have only these greedy writers to blame,” Lazarus explained. “If they would just write for us for free, everything would be fine and everyone would be happy. But nooooo.”

Lazarus held a press conference regarding this change from NBC’s headquarters earlier today. Attendees noted a distinct smell of brimstone radiating throughout the conference, and some swore they heard Lazarus’s voice double in on itself as his eyes began to glow.

“And I don’t mean we’re making The Voice the only TV show on NBC, we’re getting rid of all that other hokey trash,” Lazarus continued. “We won’t stop until even other networks have only The Voice to air. Every Ted Lasso, every The Last of Us, every The Mandalorian. Every show, every single episode, is going to succumb to the unbridled gelatinous cube of self-promotion that is The Voice.”

The Voice, which is now in its 122nd season since premiering in 2011, has faced its fair share of criticism for just being a tool for the judges to increase their clout and name recognition, but it’s also propelled several winners into the dumpster out back as soon as a new season starts. 

“Oh, I love The Voice. It’s more than a show for me, it’s an experience,” said Marcus Clark, a visibly distressed fan blinking SOS in Morse Code. “I love Blake Shelton, and I love Kelly Clarkson. I love my family too, and I love NBC for helping them when they decided to watch something other than The Voice. I can’t wait to see them again!”

NBC has wasted no time in starting this transition to The Voice’s new regime. Having entered its 123rd season since that last paragraph, The Voice was last seen prowling outside the doors to ABC’s studio in Los Angeles. Residents are advised to remain indoors.

Special Edition of Redfall to Include A Copy of Dishonored

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Following the disappointing reception to its new looter shooter Redfall, Arkane Studios has announced a new special edition of the game that will be bundled with a copy of Dishonored, a previous title of theirs. 

“Whoa, that’s a pretty sweet deal,” said Miles Holt, a local gamer. “I was on the fence about Redfall. On one hand, Arkane has made a handful of the best games of this generation, easily. On the other hand, Redfall feels like the exact kind of game we were all sick of like two years ago that’s only being kept alive by executives who thought they were a golden ticket for some reason even though very few of them have proven successful. It really didn’t do a lot for me. But now with this new special edition of Redfall, I know I will be enjoying the classic Arkane gameplay we’ve all come to expect. I can’t wait!” 

Representatives from Microsoft hope the new special edition of Redfall that comes with a copy of Dishonored will salvage the game’s unflattering press cycle. 

“We really gotta get out ahead of this thing,” said Michael Williams, a Microsoft executive. “If we don’t turn this game into a winner, it will almost certainly go on the shelf next to Anthem and Babylon’s Fall as high profile failures of live service games that absolutely nobody wanted. This was supposed to be one of our big exclusives for the year, and it’s turned out to be an absolute lemon. I guess maybe our strategy of slowing our exclusive game releases to a crawl so that gamers will be happy when we chuck ‘em some slop isn’t working out, huh?” 

As of press time, Arkane had confirmed that future updates to Redfall would address the game’s framerates, matchmaking, and probably kick you a copy of Prey if you wanted it.

Some New Ghostbusters Shit Heavily Rumored

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Alright fuckers, listen up and listen up good, because I don’t have a lot of time before my 15 minutes at the library are up and they throw me off of the computer. I just came here to tell you all that there are some SERIOUS rumors about some new Ghostbusters shit coming out. Holy crap! 

I know, you’re like, “What? Ghostbusters?! There’s no way, pal,” but I’m telling you, they’re frickin’ doing it!! I’m not sure if it’s going to be a sequel, remake, relaunch, or sequel to the relaunch, or maybe a remake of the sequel, but there will definitely be some GHOST BUSTING ACTION. Yeah, baby! Behave! 

My cousin emailed me some pictures, and if they’re what I think they are, they have HUGE implications for the Ghostbusters universe. I’m talking MAJOR implications. Not since Ghostbusters 2 back in the ‘80s have I ever been so sure about a new Ghostbusters movie coming out. I’m just as excited then as I was now, too. I love the Ghostbusters. It doesn’t matter who’s in it, or what’s happening, I just love when they bust the ghosts! 

Oh, so you’re probably saying, “Sounds great Mark, but what were in those friggin’ pictures your cousin had?” and that’s such a good question! Well man, they were these pictures from the internet of Ernie Hudson and William Atherton filming a new movie.  Which is crazy, because Ernie Hudson played Winston and William Atheron was the voice of Slimer! They’re making more Ghostbusters, I just know it. 

You know how come else I know? ‘Cause I didn’t tell you yet, but Paul Rudd was in the photos, as well. He’s a ghostbuster now! It’s all so obvious. Wow, I can’t believe it took Hard Drive to break this story, but here we are. I’m pretty sure they’re doing some new Ghostbusters shit, you guys. Bookmark this page and comment about how right I was when this scoop turns into the truth!