ATLANTA — TSA members at Hartsfield Airport arrested an over enthusiastic Deep Rock Galactic player on the morning of November 20th, according to local eyewitness reports.
“He’s a maniac. Had a 3D-printed pickaxe in hand, kept holding it up in the air and shouting ‘ROCK AND STONE!’ Finally got him to calm down and go through the line. Convinced him the ‘drop pod’ was on the other side, whatever the hell that means,” said one exhausted TSA employee. “Thought everything would be fine, but my buddy Tim decided to ask this guy if he was on anything, like mushrooms. The guy’s eyes went wide, and he just went berserk. ‘MUSHROOM,’ he started screaming, over and over.”
At this point, TSA employees attempted to apprehend the DRG-enthused individual. He dodged out of the way of a grapple, though.
“I actually got bruised pretty bad,” grunted another TSA professional. “Dove after him and he leapt away, like he had eyes in the back of his head. He finally stopped screaming about mushrooms, but it was only after his eyes landed on some unattended baggage outside one of the restrooms. He hefted it into the air and screamed something like, ‘WE’RE RICH!’ Took us another ten minutes to actually get him on the ground, and by then the police had arrived.”
This event was not without victims. Before the authorities could apprehend him, the “Deep Rock Fanatic,” as he is beginning to be known, targeted Terrence Middlesboro, a tall and elderly man preparing to board a plane to New York.
“I have a business meeting in New York in a few days. Thought I’d get a few extra days in the trip, explore the city. I was walking towards my terminal when, without any warning or provocation, I felt something huge barrel into me from behind,” said Middlesboro in an interview after the assault. “I don’t know how strong this guy is, but apparently he slammed his pickaxe into my back, just above my hip. He shouted about using his ‘power attack,’ I think. I went flying, but I’m not seriously injured or anything. I told the officers I don’t want to press charges. The guy is clearly not well. I think they’re taking him in on a drug charge anyway.”
Shortly after assaulting Middlesboro, the “Deep Rock Fanatic” was finally taken into custody by a small army of airport security and police officers. Before he could be removed from the premises, multiple witnesses report hearing the man shout, “I knew I should have picked Iron Will!”
EL SEGUNDO — Surprise 2023 hit Dave the Diver’s 23andMe profile has been released to the public, confirming the game is in fact partially of indie game descent. Our sources close to multi-billion dollar indie developer Mintrocket confirmed the authenticity of the profile.
“We’ve got that ‘indie feel’ both in the way Dave [sic] plays and in the way our developers wonder if they’ll have a job tomorrow. With these latest findings, it’s safe to say Dave the Diver is heading for indie game royalty,” said Taylor Kim, a VP at Mintrocket’s parent company. “I don’t believe our success is due to the millions we spent on marketing or the size of the team. I think what it all comes down to is people wanting to be on the ground floor in support of a small indie game.”
Some of the dev team at Mintrocket took to social media to celebrate the game’s newly confirmed lineage.
“My mom would talk for hours about this ancient game called Diner Dash. Looking back, it’s crazy that our game shares so much DNA with this game I’ve only ever heard of,” wrote an intern at Mintrocket.
“Stardew Valley was a direct influence to Dave the Diver, but now that I know we’re related I feel so much closer to Concernedape. To know we faced the same development challenges and limitations just really puts it all into perspective.”
Not everyone was excited by the news. Some in the games industry took to the web to call out Dave the Diver for its new “Pretindie Game” status.
“If it were truly an indie game, there’d be an insufferable personality behind it that we all love to hate, like a Phil Fish or a Johnathan Blow,” said one video game podcaster. “We would also not buy it until it hit “hidden gem” status ten years after release.”
At press time, leaders at Nexon announced sweeping layoffs at Mintrocket following their indie darling’s massive success.
Fantasy worlds wouldn’t be complete without distinct non-player characters — all possessing their own unique backstory, personality and related accents. It adds essential flavor to any RPG adventure.
Unfortunately, your well-meaning but talentless Dungeon Master Nick literally can’t do anything except his own standard Northeastern American. That, however, hasn’t stopped him trying. And trying. And trying.
1. Posh British
Noblemen in your DM’s universe are supposed to possess the perfect BBC-anchor-pronunciation of King Charles, but in Nick’s mouth end up sounding like that one cousin of yours who used to live in South Carolina, now works in New York, and recently sustained a head injury.
2. Pirate
Your adventures sailing off the coast of your DM’s harbor capital saw you quickly beset by sirens, merfolk, and even a kraken — but it was your encounter with Nick’s pirate voice that was somehow the most scary. Sounded like a valley girl accent with some “Avast!”s thrown in.
3. Geoff Keighley
In a rather strange turn of events your DM started rapid fire listing off video games titles before shouting about a world premiere advertisement. Hard to understand how it was part of the story – and sounded nothing like the real Geoff.
4. Cockney
The seedy underbelly of the sprawling city of “Grout” is full of crime bosses, pickpockets and bar wenches, who in a TV adaptation would surely sound like they were straight out of a production of Oliver Twist. Unfortunately, your DM’s NPCs sound more like they’ve come straight out of the bayou, which would be impressive if it was anything like what he was going for.
5. Northern English
Game of Thrones made everyone think they could do a decent Jon Snow impression, to the detriment of D&D campaigns everywhere. Now every hardened soldier you come across in Nick’s high-fantasy world comes paired alongside his tortured attempt to sound just like they do at Winterfell. But weirdly high-pitched, for some reason.
6. Jerma
For deep lore reasons that you’re yet to uncover, dwarves in your DM’s fantasy world all ostensibly speak like streamer Jerma985. Except they don’t, because Nick can’t grasp the subtleties of Jerma’s fair-weather Boston accent, so important NPCs like Mayor Dolk Thunderhammer instead sound like Kennedys who’ve taken too many quaaludes.
7. Eastern European
Meeting Minsc and Jaheira in Baldur’s Gate 3 inspired your DM to add a new accent to his repertoire, much to your party’s general irritation. Sultry women who should probably sound like sexy Russian spies end up more like angry German border guards, making your Wisdom saves against their “Charm Person” spells feel really unfair.
8. Hittite
Nick explained that because no-one knows exactly what an ancient Hittite from 1600 BC would have sounded like speaking modern English, he would have to use academic articles and a smidge of guesswork to work it out. So why have they ended up sounding like they come from East Baltimore?
9. Scottish
Why you’d choose to create a whole city filled with people who have an accent you can’t do is anyone’s guess, but it certainly made the five session arc in Glasgoburgh a more torturous experience than it needed to be. At least he added in a couple of “Och, aye!”s and quotes from Shrek so it was clear what he was trying to do.
10. Medieval Peasant
If authentic Middle English was too hard, the gentle people who work the land of your DM’s world could feasibly have sounded like rural New Englanders, or perhaps Southern with a couple of “thee”s and “thou”s thrown in. But no — whatever accent Nick was trying to do to bring these simple people to life, they’ve ended up Jamaican. And you can’t even call him out, because you know it’s not intentional.
11. Spanish
The daring swordsman NPC who joined your party on a quest to steal a priceless artifact had more than a hint of Inigo Montoya about him — but he sounded more like Gilbert Gottfried with a lisp. Your party had to pretend they were laughing at a meme they all coincidentally remembered at exactly the same time he spoke.
12. Australian
Nick refuses to leave the Australians out of his sprawling fantasy world, though it would probably be a mercy if he did. It’s the only one he’s remotely self-conscious about, because he worries sometimes that it sounds a bit too New Zealand. If it ever sounds like either, you’ll be sure to let him know.
13. Wilhelm Scream
No, it’s not strictly an accent, but Nick did it once and then asked if you ‘got the reference’. Then he did it again. You asked if it was from porn. He said it was a famous movie sound effect called the ‘Dilbert scream’. You asked, ‘What, like Scott Adams’ comic?’. Then he sighed and told you to roll for initiative.
14. His Own
Just last month, outside a brothel that doubled as a board game cafe, you met a mysterious Level 20 Human Bard called ‘Mick’ who purportedly liked to weave fantastical tales for his friends. Nick couldn’t stop giggling about his clever self-insert, but you didn’t understand what was going on, because his impression of himself was so far off the mark that you and everyone else genuinely thought it was an offensive caricature of one of the player’s moms. Anyway, that party member beat a 35 AC to bludgeon ‘Mick’ to death and the campaign has been paused since.
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to losing a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Jan 10.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
The action of propelling something through the air with force, usually by hand; past tense.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“W”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“R”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“H”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“T”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 400 days straight! So here goes nothing:
TAMPA, FLORIDA — In a surprising lateral career move, famous YouTuber-theorist Matthew “MatPat” Patrick has officially signed a three-year deal with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to be their starting quarterback. This comes only moments after a surprise retirement announcement, leaving fans of football and Undertale alike surprised and searching for meaning.
“I don’t want to shy away from the fact that I have a legacy,” says MatPat.
“I’ve got a long career behind me, but I can assure you that I have an even longer one ahead of me. I’m a specialist in building dynasties – possibly the greatest ever … I don’t see any difference between making over 50 Five Nights at Freddy’s fan theories and being a Super Bowl ready quarterback. They ask of me the same thing: courage.”
MatPat, 37, claims that his retirement announcements were sincere, and that there were legitimate plans in place for him to “settle down and finally play some age-appropriate games, like CS2 or Rainbow Six: Siege.”
As he wept tears and declared himself his fan’s ‘grandpa’, it seemed like it was really the end for the GOAT theorist.
But Jason Licht, Buccaneers GM, says that he had to jump on the opportunity:
“We’ve wanted to pick that boy up from the start. My kids have known about him for years, and the Bucs are always looking for new ways to improve. When it got to us that Matthew was retiring, my scouts got right to it,” Licht said while brushing up on all of Matpat’s videos, or game tape.
“He might not be as experienced, but there’s just no way to teach the intangibles. There isn’t a single quarterback in the league with the balls to say that Sans Undertale is also, somehow, Ness from Earthbound. That confidence is the difference-maker we need.”
At press time The Game Theorists uploaded a 25 minute in depth theory video about how all the clues to this signing were in Matpat’s ‘retirement’ video.
After it was announced she will be portraying the character Abby in the second season of HBO’s The Last of Us, actress Kaitlyn Dever was awarded the Medal of Honor for her bravery in taking on the role.
“I’m really excited to join the cast, especially with incredible actors like Pedro Pascal and Bella Ramsay,” Dever said in a statement. “But I’m not quite sure why I’m also getting this much, uh… sympathy from people? People have told me I’m so brave for taking the role, but I haven’t even gotten a script yet. Not sure what the big deal.”
Active fans of The Last of Us Part II were shocked act the actor’s seeming enthusiasm at taking on the role.
“Wow, she seems really excited!” said TLOU fan Spencer Buchman. “Maybe… too excited? Does she know how divisive the source material was? Someone tell her to stay far, far away from the Internet after the premiere of episode 3.”
The White House said the nation was very eager to award the nation’s greatest honor to Dever for her bravery.
“I’m not sure she has any idea how brave her actions even are,” a White House spokesperson said. “Taking on a role like Abby takes quite a lot of courage. When Laura Bailey was in the role in 2020, it would have been hard to predict how weird and awful people would have been to her. With hindsight, though, we know exactly how badly fans will treat the next person to portray Abby. Congratulations Kaitlyn, and good luck to you when season 2 begins to release.”
At press time, Last of Us fans were beginning to draft the worst insults and death threats they could possibly think of when the inevitable anger-inducing episode premieres.
Bethesda announced today that classic glitches and bugs from previous Bethesda Softworks titles will be available to purchase in Starfield as ‘Legacy Quirks’ under the Creations banner.
“Bugs and glitches have always been a core part of the Bethesda experience,” said Bethesda Games Studios Director, Todd Howard as part of the announcement, “and despite our dedication to making Starfield our biggest and most polished world yet, we realized that perhaps we made the game ‘just work’ a bit too well.”
Bethesda revealed this news as part of an ongoing initiative to reinvigorate interest for their newest title after a slew of tepid to negative reviews from players, citing the game’s ‘lack of soul’ and ‘boring gameplay.’
However, Bethesda believes that this new line of downloadable content will help sway those of their hardcore audience who felt burned by the studio’s uncharacteristic choice to release a functioning piece of software.
“Our hope is that, by reintroducing these ‘chaos features,’ we can imbue the universe of Starfield with some of the Bethesda Magic™ that we all remember from our first horse glitch in Skyrim. We still have nightmares of those messed up character models wearing invisible power armor. Now players new and old can enjoy those same experiences for a modest fee.”
The first wave of ‘Legacy Quirks’ includes several character-animation glitches, clipping instances, random loss of save-data as well as the loss of key items from your inventory. Controversially, it will even include the chance to delete the player’s console operating system at random.
The announcement brought with it a divided community, with some praising Bethesda’s attempts at placating their audience and others criticizing their reluctance to make meaningful improvements to the game.
“They really think they can trick us into paying them more of our hard-earned cash just to make the game objectively worse,” said Dicky Rickson on X, “but I’m not falling for it this time, Todd. No matter how long you stare at me with those dreamy, blue eyes and perfect cheekbones I won’t give in. Not even for the glitch that allows chickens to report you for a crime. Okay, maybe I’d pay for that one.”
While Bethesda has yet to announce the next wave of glitches, many fans are already speculating on possible returning ‘chaos features’. One of the most infamous recurring glitches in the community is one where gamers begin playing Starfield only to minutes later see themselves playing Baldur’s Gate 3 instead.
This one glitch surprisingly seems to have received overwhelmingly positive reactions from all players, as they’re just happy to be playing a much better game.
OAK PARK, Mich. — Terrence Glenn, 32, is a bit “high-maintenance” about certain items and traditions, reports girlfriend Whitney Davidson.
“Terry’s sweet, really,” said Davidson. “He just needs things to be up to a certain level to be comfortable. Like when he’s playing Super Smash Bros, he needs a wired GameCube controller for the Switch so the buttons don’t lag and he doesn’t get upset. I got him a wireless controller for Christmas, and wow that was a scene,” continued Davidson.
During a recent movie night at home, Glenn reportedly spent most of his time adjusting the settings of his television and sound bar.
“He was showing me Snake Eyes, which he called ‘underrated,’” said Davidson. “But I couldn’t really see the movie because he kept opening up motion smoothing, and HDR, and audio output menus that took up the whole screen. I fell asleep for a bit, and when I woke up, he was upset I wasn’t watching.”
Alexander Hessler, Glenn’s college roommate, insists Glenn’s habits aren’t anything new.
“He’s just sensitive and gets upset easy,” said Hessler. “Back in college it took forever for him to get ready to go out for the night. We’d all have to wait around for him to get the exact right outfit on.”
“I’m glad Whitney’s helping him speak up for himself about his needs,” continued Hessler. “And I’m glad he got a wired controller because his Ness play was struggling.”
When reached for comment, Glenn asked if the interview could take place over Zoom, spent 14 minutes trying to connect his USB microphone, then hung up the call with tears in his eyes.
SILICON VALLEY— A panel of experts, including AI engineers, behavioral scientists, and child healthcare specialists, gathered today to discuss whether the Redditor you’re actively arguing with, u/LastShartbender27, is a rudimentary algorithm designed to keep people engaged with advertisements, or a child aged 12 or under.
As of the publishing of this article, no consensus has been reached.
The experts pored over the Redditor’s comment history – which predominantly consisted of them saying “This” in response to agreeable, inoffensive posts – in an effort to better understand the entity.
Harvard’s Professor of Behavioral Science, Dr. John Mister, leaned on the side of Shartbender being a child, citing a discussion they had about Super Mario 64 on the popular subreddit r/gaming.
“Any measure of AI would have a wealth of online discourse to use when describing Mario 64, and an older teenager interested in video games, even one that had never played the game, would certainly know some details through cultural osmosis,” said Dr. Mister. “To describe the level design as ‘narrow’ and ‘linear’ is ponderous indeed, and indicative of a child making something up.”
Google’s Chief AI Officer, Dr. Rebecca Who, disagreed with Dr. Mister, drawing attention to a comment the Redditor left on an r/television thread about the upcoming adaptation of “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” starring Donald Glover and Maya Erskine, in which Shartbender said, “Ultimately, it’ll all come down to the chemistry between the leads.”
“This is classic bot behavior. To regurgitate a sentiment so frequently and mindlessly repeated by others is a hallmark of an inelegant program,” said Dr. Who.
“We can definitely all agree that a functioning adult would derive no pleasure from getting upvotes from strangers for simply repeating someone else’s thought,” she concluded, garnering nods of agreement from the other experts.
Ultimately, the fact that the Redditor provides no benefit to society was the only thing the experts could uniformly agree on.
At press time reports confirmed you are still fuming about the argument and letting it generally ruin your day.
GOLDENROD CITY — A local resident has been driven to near madness as she fruitlessly attempted to engage in a discussion about any topic other than Pokémon, sources confirmed before directing the conversation back towards Pokémon.
“For Arceus’ sake, can’t we talk about poetry, or politics, or even the goddamned weather?” said Lara Berry, as she walked a few feet inside her home before stopping to turn ninety degrees. “Everything is Pokémon! There’s a guy in this city whose job is rating the nicknames of Pokémon. You can’t get away from it! I went to the Game Corner to try to distract myself, but all the games were Pokémon-themed. I thought a nice workout might take my mind off of things, but the local gym is really just a place where people battle Pokémon. I tried to listen to some music to calm down, but the only device that gets the radio is called the Pokégear. Why does that need to be about Pokémon? Why can’t we call it a, I don’t know, ‘Zune’ or something? Okay, that’s a bad pitch, but it still doesn’t need to be about Pokémon.”
Some of Lara’s friends have grown frustrated with what they see as her attempts to dominate conversations.
“Lara is in my book club, but I don’t know how much longer we can tolerate it,” said Tammy Branch, a resident of nearby Azalea Town. “For the past eight months, she has relentlessly nominated books that the group has absolutely no interest in. Silly things with names like, ‘Pride and Prejudice,’ or, ‘The Catcher in the Rye.’ Then she gets all mad when we decide to read ‘Status Conditions and Catching Pokémon’ for the twelfth time instead of her bizarre suggestions. I mean, that’s real literature! She almost tricked us into reading something called, ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,’ but we realized just in time that there’s no Pokémon named ‘Cuckoo.’”
Lara’s boss expressed concern that her refusal to talk about Pokémon has started to affect her job performance.
“Lara does great work, but she can’t seem to get along with anyone these days,” said Bridgette Powers, chief of medicine at the Goldenrod City Pokémon Center. “She even begged me to implement a ‘No Pokémon Talk’ rule for our office last year. How did she expect that to work? Our work literally revolves around treating injured Pokémon. Besides, we tried that rule for the holiday party and it lasted all of five seconds before someone brought up their new Totodile, and it was the most dull five seconds of my life. We share this world with some of the most fascinating and wonderful creatures you could possibly imagine. Why would I ever want to discuss anything else?”
At press time, Lara was seen becoming briefly excited to discuss the concept of friendship with a stranger who had burst into her home before realizing that he was asking her to evaluate the bond he had with his Pokémon.
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