Action Hero Ruins Blood Drive by Cutting Straight Across Palm With Huge Knife

NEW YORK – A blood drive at St. Sylvester’s hospital was forced to finish early when a local action hero tried to give blood by cutting straight across his palm with a huge knife, stunned witnesses confirmed.

“This is how it’s done,” said Trench Calhoun, veteran of a war and noted machine-gunner of henchmen. “You have to find that heart deep inside, lock it away, drink away the pain, find redemption. Then, when the killing is over and somehow that beautiful goddamn sun rises, you try to give back to the community. Except these dorks don’t want the blood of a bona fide American hero even when it’s flowing like the red in the flag.”

Nurse and phlebotomist, Sarah Cooper, has seen this kind of thing too many times.

“Dudes like this show up every time we run one of these drives,” she said, packing up her gear and cleaning hand blood from her clothes. “If it isn’t action heroes it’s scientists playing god or tribal warriors or demon hunters. They seem to think the only way to give blood is with a slow, dramatic palm cut when actually that’s highly unsanitary and totally useless to us.”

Oscar Newman, a representative of the Modern Action Hero Alliance condemned Trench’s actions.

“We don’t do that kind of thing anymore,” said Newman, a mild-mannered bank clerk who developed weather powers after being struck by lightning. “The modern action hero isn’t all salutes and palm cuts. Today it’s crazy amounts of abs instead of huge biceps, and wisecracks instead of possibly debilitating hand wounds. If someone asked me to give blood now I’d make a joke about Dracula then make a funny face and ask if he’s standing behind me. Then they’d put that scene at the end of the trailer for some reason as though it’s going to sway anyone unconvinced about the movie’s quality.”

Even in the face of this adversity, Trench intends to keep trying to give blood when he’s not drinking whiskey straight from the bottle or gazing longingly at a photograph of a woman who either died or left him due to his action hero lifestyle.

Good News, Console Fans of Chrono Trigger! One Day You’ll Die and It Won’t Matter Anymore That You Can’t Play It

Exciting news for diehard fans of the Super Nintendo classic Chrono Trigger who have been waiting over a decade for a way to replay the game on modern home consoles: death awaits you, and its cold embrace will free you from all worldly desires.

While there is some debate amongst theologians regarding what happens to an individual’s consciousness upon physical death, most fields of science agree that, mercifully, any of our hopes and dreams about playing Chrono Trigger on modern consoles die with us.

We reached out to fans of the seminal time travel RPG to get their thoughts on dying forever. Redondo Beach resident Mike Anthony expressed no small measure of relief.

“I thought when they were working on fixing the Steam version that a port was a sure thing. I was gutted that there’s been no word on that,” Mr. Anthony said. “To know that I’ll be embraced by an endless void from which there’s no return, and that any hope I had for a port will be nothing but a memory surviving friends and family could recall, is at least some consolation.”

Atlanta native Amanda Malecki echoed Mr. Anthony’s sentiment, telling us, “I’ve always said that I’d rather not exist than be deprived of going on adventures with Crono and the gang again, so I’m pretty chuffed to find out that not existing anymore is an inescapable inevitability.”

Nick Stapleton, a particular fan of the 16- and 32-bit era of Square Enix RPGs, was perhaps the most excited.

“I try to tell myself to be cool whenever there’s a Nintendo Direct, or PlayStation Showcase, or Xbox whatever-they-call-it,” Mr. Stapleton told us. “Then, without fail, I start hyping myself up. Maybe they’ll announce a port of Chrono Trigger, or Xenogears, or Vagrant Story, or Final Fantasy Tactics, or Parasite Eve. It’s like they don’t even want my money. Thank God for the inexorable encroachment of nothingness.”

When reached for comment, a Square Enix representative responded with the following statement:

“Square Enix is thrilled to have so many passionate fans of our beloved back-catalog of classic games, and we wish those fans a speedy, painless death.”

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #943 January 18, 2024

Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Jan 18.

We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned,  then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.

 

Already Jan 19 at your location? Try our Wordle answer page for that day instead!

 

Wordle Hint Today 943 January 18, 2024

Wordle Hint Today
Today’s Wordle Hint

Here’s a hint with the meaning of today’s Wordle answer

 

A verb that means to take someone else’s property without permission or unlawfully. Past tense.

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter

The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“E”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter

The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“L”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Third Letter

The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“O”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Second Letter

The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“T”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today First Letter

The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“S”

 

 

Today’s Wordle Answer

And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.

Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.

That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 326 days straight! So here goes nothing:

 

3…

 

 

2…

 

 

1…

 

 

The Wordle answer today is “STOLE”

 

 

Previous Wordle Answers With Their Definitions

 

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #942 January 17, 2024

 

Wordle #941 For January 16, 2024

BLOND

An adjective used to describe someone with fair or light-colored hair, often with a shade ranging from light yellow to golden.

 

Wordle #940 For January 15, 2024

LUNCH

A noun that refers to a midday meal, typically eaten around noon.

 

Wordle #939 For January 14, 2024

DOING

A verb that indicates the act of performing or executing an action or task; present participle form.

 

Wordle #938 For January 13, 2024

HEARD

A verb that indicates that a person perceived or became aware of sound through their ears; past tense.

 

Wordle #937 For January 12, 2024

ROUTE

A noun that refers to a path or course taken to reach a particular destination.

A verb that means to send or direct something along a particular path or course.

 

Wordle #936 For January 11, 2024

BRIEF

An adjective that means lasting for a short duration, being concise, or not taking a long time.

A noun that means a concise written or oral statement that summarizes the main points or arguments of a case, document, or presentation.

 

Wordle #935 For January 10, 2024

THREW

The action of propelling something through the air with force, usually by hand; past tense.

 

Wordle #934 For January 9, 2024

LINER

A cosmetic applied around the eyes to enhance their appearance.

 

Wordle #933 For January 8, 2024

FINAL

An adjective that refers to the last, concluding, or ultimate stage of a process, event, or sequence.

 

Wordle #932 For January 7, 2024

STONY

An adjective that describes something that is hard, firm, or has the appearance or qualities of stone.

 

Wordle #931 For January 6, 2024

CABLE

A thick insulated wire, often consisting of multiple conductors, used for transmitting electrical power or signals.

 

Wordle #930 For January 5, 2024

LUNGE

A sudden forward movement used for attack or strategic positioning.

 

Wordle #929 For January 4, 2024

SCANT

An adjective that describes something that is limited, insufficient, or barely enough in quantity, degree, or extent.

 

Wordle #928 For January 3, 2024

TWIRL

The action of rotating or spinning something around its axis or in a circular motion.

 

Wordle #927 For January 2, 2024

AGING

The process of getting older, typically associated with the passage of time.

 

Wordle #926 For January 1, 2024

MURAL

A large-scale artwork or painting that is created directly on a wall, ceiling, or other permanent surface.

 

Wordle #925 For December 31, 2023

SALTY

A taste sensation associated with the presence of salt.

 

Wordle #924 For December 30, 2023

THREE

The numerical representation of the quantity 3.

Ubisoft Executive Says Gamers Can Have Their Games on Weekends and After School If They’ve Been Good

Ubisoft is shaking things up with their subscription service, Ubisoft+, which lets gamers stream a wide catalog of their games across multiple platforms. However this new service comes with a catch for gamers who paid for these games at full price.

Philippe Tremblay, Ubisoft’s director of subscriptions, recently announced that gamers will now be able to play their games only on weekends and some school nights if the player has been good.

“Listen, we’re not saying you have to buy the subscription to play these games you’ve already paid for, but if you were good boys and girls you would,” Tremblay said. “Gamers don’t need to own these games. We do! It makes more sense just to borrow them from us, and if they do they can stay up all night and eat as much ice cream as they want while they play.”

The service has garnered criticism from fans, and left them wondering if they’ll be able to play the games they’ve already purchased freely.

“Of course they can still play those games… as long as they’ve done all of their chores and finished their homework, and it’s not past their bedtime,” Tremblay continued.

“We just don’t feel gamers are responsible enough to own our games. Can they really keep track of discs or cartridges? Don’t get me wrong, we are fine with them playing our games, we just prefer it’s on our service and under our supervision. We’re a very open studio.” Tremblay emphasized while dabbing.

While this may sound reasonable to some gamers, others find it to be just another example of companies trying to do away with physical media and take the privilege of ownership away from the consumer.

“It’s no fair,” commented reddit user u/Eziosbestio. “Companies are always trying to stop me from buying movies and music. I’m a big boy! These CEOs don’t understand me and they’re being totally unfair. When they were my age they got to buy all the games they wanted! I’m gonna run away and take all my games with me!”

Following the launch of Ubisoft+, experts have reportedly seen a historic increase in gamers going to their friend’s house. The one with cool parents and a Nintendo and a hot tub.

13 Music Games Taylor Swift Isn’t in but Would Probably Make a Lot of Money if She Was

Taylor Swift is inescapable. Best selling albums, a billion-dollar concert tour, Hollywood movies, sporting events, and the talk of your younger cousin every time you have a family gathering. However, what about the millions to be made in the increasingly diminishing returns of the video game industry? They need the magic touch too! As destined as she is to appear in the next Grand Theft Auto game, we’re limiting it to just games where music is involved.

Dance Dance Revolution

 

Fans of Tay will know that her music fits right in with smile.dk and other Y2K-era EDM classics. Wait, what do you mean most of her catalog is songs for people to lie in bed and long for an unrequited love? Well, they can probably put “Shake It Off” in there or something. The arrows on this genre-defining classic will serve as great help for the millions of swifties who can’t dance without visual instruction.

Taiko no Tatsujin

Music critics have been saying for years that the one thing that modern music has been missing was ancient drums. Imagine hearing “Cruel Summer” but every single beat has a loud drum solo over every other instrument. It’d be a new age for country music, if the country you’re referring to is Japan. If they went for this crossover, Taiko could finally make a western audience with people who aren’t into anime openings and have no clue what a Touhou is.

PaRappa the Rapper

Taylor will teach PaRappa that all he has to do is believe, and also that recording the same thing again will make a lot of cash. If PaRappa is saying all of Taylor’s lyrics back to her, does that mean Parappa is now a hurtful ex-boyfriend? Is that inconsiderate? At worst, it’ll still be a better rap verse than Kendrick Lamar’s on “Bad Blood.”

The Beatles: Rock Band

She’s bigger than them. Next game.

Fortnite

The rumored rhythm mode for Fortnite hasn’t been revealed yet, but if I find a way to put the terms ‘Taylor Swift’ and ‘Fortnite’ in the same sentence, I get a bonus. Still, it’s sure to be a winner from Harmonix, the Jack Antonoff of rhythm games. To maximize profits, she could have her own skin, complete with an acoustic guitar pickaxe. You’ll be the reason for their teardrops! I’ll take the doxxing now.

Rocksmith+

Who needs to shred when you can serve? Learning to play guitar would be a great time sink for fans when Taylor hasn’t posted a tweet to analyze like she’s the Unabomber. They could even follow along with the lyrics if they’re fake fans who don’t have every song down word for word! Charge extra for each song and it’ll make more than the subscription itself does.

Friday Night Funkin’

Boyfriend could use the power of funk to diss his way through all of her evil ex-boyfriends. With a soundtrack reminiscent of Anamanaguchi, she’d be a perfect fit that would make the game sell like hotcakes. That’s why Friday Night Funkin’ absolutely needs to include Ramona Flowers. As for Taylor Swift, she probably visited Newgrounds once or twice back in the day, so she should be in.

Mother 3

Don’t look at me like that — Mother 3 is a rhythm game. You have to time the attacks just right to get the best combos on your opponent. Taylor is just like Lucas because, uh, they both have blonde hair, or something! Look, the interference of the biggest pop star on the planet is the only thing that’ll get this damn game localized. You can even call it Earthbound (Taylor’s Version) if you have to.

Hatsune Miku: Project DIVA

Taylor’s only going to share the spotlight with the one musician who has as much stage presence as she does. She may be an astute businesswoman, but she isn’t selling out concerts without even being physically present like CV1 does. Maybe meeting a virtual Swift can convince Miku to start buying her masters? DIVA makes its money with the sheer amount of costumes the Vocaloid singers have, so a costume for each and every one of her eras would do the trick.

Trombone Champ

Ever wanted all of Taylor’s songs to sound like complete dog doo doo? Ruin them with your own terrible trombone skills! Collecting cards could be just as familiar to Swifties as going out to the store and buying four different versions of Midnights. Obviously the game specializing in public domain songs is to save money to pay for Anti-Hero.

Rhythm Heaven

Implying that a new Rhythm Heaven is ever going to happen is grounds for a barrage of clown emojis, but it’s worth mentioning. The series has many parallels to Taylor’s life, as her secret hobbies include karate, golfing and playing badminton in the sky. At least we assume that’s what all the private jet emissions are for. The minigames could even be a bonding activity, reminding her of the time Travis Kelce probably kicked a football on their first date. Truly a combination that will make all of her fans say a great big “I suppose.”

osu!

It may be a free-to-play game with zero monetization whatsoever, but they’d still find some way to profit off of it. What can be more appealing to stans than a game which is so hard to master that most experts haven’t seen the sun in years? The overcharting on “All Too Well (10 Minute Version)” would be enough to make even the most hardcore player’s hand cry. More casual gamers could just sit back and collect fruit to “Blank Space.” There could even be overbearing visuals behind the gameplay in a mere act of spite!

Just Dance

Just Dance is perhaps the biggest modern rhythm game, and i– Oh, they already put her songs in. “Love Story” and “You Belong With Me,” huh. You can boot up the latest game right now and play those songs if you really want to. I guess someone had to actually take our advice and go to Taylor for easy money. I was really hoping it would be PaRappa.

Cracker Barrel Releases Battle Pass for Peg Game

LEBANON, Tenn. — Cracker Barrel Old Country Store has announced a battle pass for their Peg Game that players can purchase for in-store rewards, according to a company press release.

“A lot of our patrons are of the older variety, and we think the launch of the battle pass for the Peg Game will help bring back some of the younger generation who used to come in with their parents,” Bryan Jackson, a 4 Star Cracker Barrel spokesman, said in the announcement. “They can even play online with the new web version of Peg Game and fill their battle pass out that way. When they start earning free biscuits, fried apples, or a discount in our General Store it will incentivize them to come back into our restaurants to redeem those rewards.”

Bobby Pease, a longtime gamer and patron of Cracker Barrel, spoke to reporters about the announcement.

“I’ve said for years that Cracker Barrel’s Peg Game is the Tetris of Southern style roadside restaurant puzzle games,” Pease said. “Knowing I can play when I’m eating an Uncle Herschel’s Favorite at one of their restaurants or on their website and it all goes toward the battle pass is a great value. I’m only ten levels away from completing it and getting a free rocking chair.”

Popular streamer CornPoneKilla has signed a sponsorship deal with Cracker Barrel to promote the new program, and shared his thoughts online.

“My fans have known what a fan I am of the Peg Game and Cracker Barrel in general for a long time now, so signing this deal was a no brainer. Free hash brown casserole for life? Yes please!,” CornPoneKilla said. “I think this is the beginning of a new era for Cracker Barrel. As if their delicious homestyle cooking wasn’t incentive enough to get people to walk through their doors and soak up the wholesome environment; With the battle pass they have something capable of competing with Fortnite and Apex Legends in their toolbelt.”

At press time, Bobby Pease was seen outside the nearby Mt. Vernon Cracker Barrel carrying his new rocking chair to his vehicle. 

NPC Suffers Severe Existential Crisis After Discovering Saving His Life Was Optional Side Quest

LAST LIGHT INN – A small-time NPC with no real impact on the game’s story is reportedly struggling to come to terms with the knowledge that saving him from death is optional content that most players will inevitably skip, or miss altogether.

“What the fuck? I’m not even a compulsory component of a larger, overarching questline?” asked Rolan, a Level 3 Tiefling in RPG Baldur’s Gate 3. “You can really cause me to die a miserable death just by advancing the story, and not even know you’ve done it?”

After walking out into the dangerous Shadowlands on his own, Rolan’s survival depends upon the player quickly coming to his aid – an intervention gamers say is all too easy to miss, particularly when more pressing matters are at hand.

“I guess even if you do see me fighting for my life, you might not want to waste the spell slots,” he spat, adding, “Got bigger fish to fry in the long-run? Big, tentacled fish? You make me sick. You’ll save scum to up your approval with Shadowheart, but not to save a life. Bet you show up to the Wizard Tower in Act 3 not even knowing I should have been there. Because the story trots along quite nicely without me, right?”

The news has prompted Rolan to consider some profound existential questions about the nature of his existence.

“So I have no impact on the overall thrust of the narrative… does that mean I serve no purpose? And am I even ‘real’, if my life has no meaning? Or does it have meaning, but only when the player bestows it upon me? I need a drink.”

Feeling the weight of his half-existence, and knowing that he has no major part to play in the larger quest to save Faerûn, trainee wizard Rolan now takes out his anger on other featured characters.

“I see some of you walk right past me, sitting at the bar,” he said, through tears. “Don’t even bother finding out what’s happened to me since you met me in the Druid’s Grove. But you can’t get enough of His Majesty, right? Gotta make sure the hairless cat is okay.”

In a final sob, he added: “Who am I kidding? I love the guy, too. I was right there with you when they added hair to him. Y’know what? It’s fine. Let me die. There’s always your Durge playthrough to get things right. Right?”

Help! I Spilled Yellow Paint in My Yard and Now Video Game Protagonists Keep Coming Over

Please! I just want it to stop and I have no idea what to do. They just keep coming and coming. I can’t get rid of them.

It all started a few days ago. I was painting my garage a nice yellow to add some sunshine to the darkness that is my existence. I was listening to “Herald of Darkness” and just started dancing, I couldn’t help myself, it was like my body was under someone else’s control. In my hypnotized state of rhythm, I accidentally knocked over the paint. That’s when the trouble began.

Splashed all over my yard was this yellow paint. I finished dancing and went to get a rag. When I came back out my yard was filled with video game protagonists. They insisted that my house was where they were supposed to go. They caused so much havoc.

Leon S. Kennedy started roundhouse kicking all the boxes in my garage. Joel Miller went through all my drawers and stole my arts and crafts supplies. Kratos came and shimmied through all my rooms while Atreus told me how to solve the puzzle I was working on completely unprompted.

I tried explaining that they must be lost but according to them, that was impossible. They all say my home is where they must be to continue onward.

Ethan Winters went through all my jars looking for pieces of his baby. Nathan Drake jumped from my neighbor’s roof to mine and broke my gutter.

They have no respect for my property. It’s true when they say never meet your heroes.

I really don’t know how this happened. Is the paint magical or something? Is there some sort of pheromone in it that attracted all the game characters from far and wide to come over to my home? It doesn’t make sense.

Even as I write this they keep coming. I’m locked in my home. My windows are boarded up. They’re all out there circling my home looking for something. I’m so scared. If I go out they’ll get in and trash the place looking for supplies.

I’m begging anyone reading this to please send help, or tell me how I can get rid of them.

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #942 January 17, 2024

Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Jan 17.

We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned,  then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.

 

Already Jan 18 at your location? Try our Wordle answer page for that day instead!

 

Wordle Hint Today 942 January 17, 2024

Wordle Hint Today
Today’s Wordle Hint

Here’s a hint with the meaning of today’s Wordle answer

 

A governmental body or institution with the authority to adjudicate legal disputes, administer justice, and apply the law.

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter

The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“T”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter

The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“R”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Third Letter

The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“U”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Second Letter

The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“O”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today First Letter

The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“C”

 

 

Today’s Wordle Answer

And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.

Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.

That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 326 days straight! So here goes nothing:

 

3…

 

 

2…

 

 

1…

 

 

The Wordle answer today is “COURT”

 

 

Previous Wordle Answers With Their Definitions

 

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #941 January 16, 2024

 

Wordle #940 For January 15, 2024

LUNCH

A noun that refers to a midday meal, typically eaten around noon.

 

Wordle #939 For January 14, 2024

DOING

A verb that indicates the act of performing or executing an action or task; present participle form.

 

Wordle #938 For January 13, 2024

HEARD

A verb that indicates that a person perceived or became aware of sound through their ears; past tense.

 

Wordle #937 For January 12, 2024

ROUTE

A noun that refers to a path or course taken to reach a particular destination.

A verb that means to send or direct something along a particular path or course.

 

Wordle #936 For January 11, 2024

BRIEF

An adjective that means lasting for a short duration, being concise, or not taking a long time.

A noun that means a concise written or oral statement that summarizes the main points or arguments of a case, document, or presentation.

 

Wordle #935 For January 10, 2024

THREW

The action of propelling something through the air with force, usually by hand; past tense.

 

Wordle #934 For January 9, 2024

LINER

A cosmetic applied around the eyes to enhance their appearance.

 

Wordle #933 For January 8, 2024

FINAL

An adjective that refers to the last, concluding, or ultimate stage of a process, event, or sequence.

 

Wordle #932 For January 7, 2024

STONY

An adjective that describes something that is hard, firm, or has the appearance or qualities of stone.

 

Wordle #931 For January 6, 2024

CABLE

A thick insulated wire, often consisting of multiple conductors, used for transmitting electrical power or signals.

 

Wordle #930 For January 5, 2024

LUNGE

A sudden forward movement used for attack or strategic positioning.

 

Wordle #929 For January 4, 2024

SCANT

An adjective that describes something that is limited, insufficient, or barely enough in quantity, degree, or extent.

 

Wordle #928 For January 3, 2024

TWIRL

The action of rotating or spinning something around its axis or in a circular motion.

 

Wordle #927 For January 2, 2024

AGING

The process of getting older, typically associated with the passage of time.

 

Wordle #926 For January 1, 2024

MURAL

A large-scale artwork or painting that is created directly on a wall, ceiling, or other permanent surface.

 

Wordle #925 For December 31, 2023

SALTY

A taste sensation associated with the presence of salt.

 

Wordle #924 For December 30, 2023

THREE

The numerical representation of the quantity 3.

Playing ‘Outer Wilds’ Helped Me Realize Why I Didn’t Like ‘Starfield’

In 2023, I played two space games – Starfield and Outer Wilds. In theory both games are, at their cores, space exploration games, but in actuality they couldn’t be more different. I walked away from Starfield feeling disappointed, but left the Outer Wilds hungry for more. What is it that made these two games have such dramatically different effects on me? Was I betrayed by Todd Howard? Was my lukewarm reaction to Starfield just another example of open-world fatigue, or was there a deeper reason?

Sixteen Times the Detail

As a big fan of both Fallout and The Elder Scrolls, I was seriously looking forward to Starfield. I loved everything I saw in the trailers. The gunplay looked satisfying, and greatly improved from Fallout 4. Dialogue options were finally back to being properly displayed instead of just vague notions of what your character might say. It seemed like Todd Howard had finally done it, and made the space game that he, and I, had been dreaming of. Sixteen times the detail, now on current gen hardware and in space.

I purchased the premium edition for the early access, and because I was confident I would want to play the accompanying DLC anyway. When I finally got my hands on the game I eagerly hopped right in, created my character, and was off to explore the galaxy. After how disappointed I was by that one Gollum game I was prepared for a masterpiece.

Except that isn’t what happened. Starfield has an agonizingly slow opening mission, and the pacing only barely improves from there. Nearly every mission I played felt like the same thing with a different coat of paint. An NPC tells you they need help retrieving something, or their friend is in trouble, or they’ve found a lead on a new artifact. You follow a quest marker to an unremarkable planet, discover a group of raiders, shoot them until they die, talk to a new NPC or grab a quest item, and return to the quest giver. It felt like every single quest from every single faction played out this way, with very few exceptions.

The worst part, though, is the loading screens. In that quest you would likely encounter sixteen loading screens, at least. You walk into an interior to talk to the quest giver and see a loading screen. Another loading screen to leave that building. Another two because you accidentally hit quick-load instead of quick-save. Traveling to another planet in your ship involves four: two for getting into and out of your ship, one for flying to another system, one for landing on a planet, and two unbelievably long unskippable animations for sitting down and standing up from the captain’s chair. Two more for entering and leaving the interior of an enemy camp, and then repeating all of that in reverse to return to the original quest giver, all for a quest that could have been an email.

I had been promised that current-gen consoles would make loading screens a relic of the past, but apparently that was a lie too.

The loading screens are exhausting. Gameplay is constantly interrupted by them, and would be even worse if you had a slower SSD. Many would say that fast travel is the solution to this problem. I disagree with that assessment – fast travel, while occasionally a helpful time saver, should not need to be so heavily incentivized in an exploration game.

Gamers are notorious for optimizing the fun out of everything. When given a chance to be more efficient, most will take that option. You never feel like you’re exploring in Starfield, because you never have to. If actually “manually” traveling everywhere is filled with loading screens anyway, why bother?

In the end, I never beat Starfield. I played for about forty hours before putting it down, and I never felt the need to go back to it. Just the thought of it was tiring, as it felt like work to play. I wasn’t enjoying my time with it, so I set my eyes on another space game.

Puzzles, Exploration, and Physical Comedy

I hadn’t heard much about Outer Wilds before deciding to purchase it. I had seen some positive reviews from when it released and some YouTube videos recommending it, but it was only barely on my radar. Because of this I had no idea what to expect going into it, which worked heavily in the game’s favor.

Outer Wilds is equal parts puzzles, exploration, and physical comedy. In a single loop you can discover a brand new location you had missed before, spend ten minutes scratching your head at what should be an easy puzzle, and fly face-first into a tree so hard that every bone in your body instantly shatters.

You can’t help but laugh at yourself every time you discover an obvious solution to a puzzle or destroy your ship when you make an autopilot error. Outer Wilds makes failure fun by making it a necessary part of the experience that allows you to laugh at yourself instead of being a frustrating setback.

Outer Wilds is a much smaller game than Starfield is. Every single element feels deliberately placed. Everything present in the game feels necessary, and there isn’t an ounce of fat. The game’s six planets are beautifully handcrafted, and each one is unique and fun to explore.

Because that’s what you do in Outer Wilds: You explore, just like you would expect from a space exploration game. The player is given very little direction at the start of the game. A few destinations are suggested, but you don’t have to go to them right away if you don’t want to.

You could even do what I did and die several times before even starting the time loop, resulting in a game over.

The story is primarily presented through text on walls, allowing the player to slowly uncover the mystery of what happened to an ancient race called the Nomai, what they were trying to accomplish, and why they were unable to succeed. All of this gets recorded in your ship log, but you have to decide which leads are worth exploring and which aren’t.

A solar system that initially feels somewhat small becomes the stage of something much bigger than the player, and every new discovery feels like a revelation. Many times throughout the game I was in awe at just how smart I felt for discovering what may or may not have been an intended solution to a puzzle.

I was also in awe at how this game had me convinced that flying into the sun dozens of times in a row until I landed on the low-orbit space station was the correct solution.

The ending of Outer Wilds is one of my favorites of any game I’ve played. I can’t go into further detail on it without seriously ruining the game for anyone that hasn’t played it, but it succeeds in tying together every piece of information you acquire throughout the game, resulting in a satisfying conclusion to an already fantastic experience. It feels like every clue you get throughout the game actually mattered in bringing you to the end.

So basically, the opposite of the Lost TV series ending.

Starfield is a mile wide, but an inch deep

When I started playing Starfield I expected Skyrim in space, but that’s not what I got. Skyrim is a game where, no matter where you are, you always know that a secret is hidden just around the corner, and fast traveling rarely feels worth it; the main draw of the game is exploration, and using fast travel is robbing yourself of that experience.

Not every game needs to offer such a complete sense of exploration, but players expected this one to. The game was marketed as the space game that Todd Howard always wanted to make. As a game that would make players feel the same way they felt the first time they played Skyrim: the feeling of truly exploring the unexplored, of going off the beaten path and discovering something new at every turn. Of being launched into the sky by physics jank and landing somewhere you didn’t even know existed.

Starfield does not provide that same feeling. Every planet feels interchangeable. I never once found a worthwhile reason to do anything except mindlessly follow the quest marker, and so much of the game feels half-baked.

So many mechanics in Starfield are meaningless at best, and actively harm the game at worst. You’re often told you do not have a powerful enough warp drive to reach a far-away system, but you can just warp to a slightly closer one and warp again. The only penalty to this is that you have to watch another loading screen, when you could have just fast traveled and saved yourself ten seconds.

Starfield decided that a good exploration game needs to be big. More planets. More places to go. It’s a mile wide, but an inch deep. The entirety of the game just feels like a facade. An unfathomably large, empty environment to distract from the fact that none of it has any purpose. It’s a theme park without any working rides. Why would you ever explore 90% of the planets when the only things you’ll find are procedurally generated terrain and copy-pasted enemy camps?

Outer Wilds, on the other hand, feels real. It feels like more time and care was put into every nook and cranny of every planet in that game than any planet in Starfield. It does what Skyrim did back in 2011: it makes the player feel lost, then allows them to naturally stumble across something they’d never seen before. It makes the player want to continue exploring. It rewards the player’s time, giving them back more than they put in.

Starfield may not provide the sense of adventure and exploration that a “Skyrim in space” should, but Outer Wilds does.

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