Pathetic Protagonist Doesn’t Even Frontflip While Double Jumping

Posted on by Steve Packosky

AUSTRIAN EMPIRE – Nathan Graves, the absolutely pathetic protagonist of 2001 metroidvania “Castlevania: Circle of the Moon”, couldn’t even do a frontflip while double jumping, disgusted onlookers report.

“Look, I’m sorry, alright?” Graves said. “Nobody was more excited than I to receive the ‘Double’ relic, but casually flipping every single time you jump into the air is a lot harder than it looks. Also, I immediately hurt my back while whipping a Skeleton Bomber because I didn’t get a chance to stretch. In my defense, though, I thought my master Morris Baldwin was going to take care of Dracula without an issue. I was like, the second backup here, man. I didn’t expect to have to deal with all this stuff.”

Adramelech, an ancient Semitic god turned demon turned Castlevania boss, reflected on his encounter with Nathan’s double jump.

“When that guy first entered my chamber, I thought it was some kind of joke,” Adramelech admitted. “I had just defeated his friend Hugh, so I assumed he would be able to offer more of a challenge. However, he was just hopping around like a rabbit throwing his cross-thingies at me. It was actually kind of embarrassing to watch. I easily defeated him with my blue fireballs and floating skulls. I have a sneaking suspicion that he’ll be back, though. It seems like protagonists get countless chances to defeat us bosses, which is pretty one-sided, if you ask me.”

Video game acrobat Lenny Powers was apologetic to Graves’ plight.

“Gamers will see protagonists like Shanoa and Samus front flipping in the middle of their double jumps, and they think it’s so easy,” Powers scoffed. “However, they’re not seeing the countless hours these heroes are putting into their craft before every journey. Do you know how dizzying and off-putting it is to flip in the middle of an intense boss fight? Of course you don’t, because you all just sit on the couch pressing some buttons on a controller.”

At press time, Graves was further criticized for not being able to turn into a bat and fly quickly through a room full of enemies.

We Rank the Five Best PS5 Games That Don’t Use the L2 Button Because Ours Is Broken

Posted on by Steve Packosky

You know what? If our editors want to give us the weighty assignment of ranking the five best PlayStation 5 games, fine. That’s what we’re here for. However, they’ve ignored all of our requests to replace the controller in the breakroom, so this is the best they’re going to get. Here are the five best PS5 games that don’t use the L2 button because ours is broken, and if you don’t like it, take it up with them.

5.) The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope (2020)

Yeah, we know that this isn’t a PS5 exclusive, but our options are a little limited here, OK? This is a pretty good survival horror that’s definitely worthy of a playthrough. Obviously, it’s not as good as the Silent Hill 2 remake, which we would’ve loved to include on this list had we been able to play it.

4.) Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin (2022)

We’re not even huge Final Fantasy fans, but lo and behold, we were able to get through a playthrough of this without using the L2 button, so here it is. This probably isn’t even close to the best in the series, but we enjoyed it, and honestly, we’re just trying to get this article done at this point. We know this is far from what you would expect from a ranking article, and we apologize.

3.) Overcooked! (2016)

Ugh, fine. Yep. Third best PS5 game right here. Sure. Whatever. We barely even remember playing it; only that we didn’t have to use the L2 button. While we’re at it, the vending machine in our breakroom hasn’t been dispensing the bags of blue Takis, which are like, the most popular snack in the office. It would be nice if that issue was addressed, too.

2.) Inside (2016)

This game is actually really good. Top five good? No, probably not, but we liked it. You’ll like it too if you happen to work for a video game news magazine that doesn’t offer the proper equipment you need to do your fucking job, so go ahead, give it a shot. We don’t care.

  1. Call of Duty: Black Ops 7 (2025)

We managed to get through the entire campaign without aiming down sight, so here it is. The best PS5 game of all time, ladies and gentlemen. Ugh. We’re so glad we got through this stupid, pointless list. Stay tuned for our top 5 Switch 2 games that you can also play on PS5 because that’s all we have.

SCS Software Reveals “American Truck Simulator 2” Will Come With 5 Grams of Methamphetamine

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PRAGUE — Video game developer SCS Software has revealed that the sequel to 2016’s “American Truck Simulator” will come packaged with 5 grams of methamphetamine, sources report.

“SCS Software prides itself in offering true simulations rivaled only by their real-life counterparts,” CEO Pavel Šebor told reporters. “As such, we are happy to announce that the sequel to one of our biggest games will come with enough methamphetamine to keep gamers awake and motivated to meet the extremely demanding schedules that American truckers face every day. People haven’t truly lived the experience of being a trucker until they’ve ground their teeth to nubs while entering their third day of no sleep in order to make their deliveries, and we can’t wait to make that happen with this release.”

Fan Geoff Welles reacted to the news.

“I had thought the first ‘American Truck Simulator’ was very realistic,” Welles said. “I even built myself a rig and had an absolute blast with it. I’ve been looking forward to the sequel, but now that I know I’ll be expected to smoke crystal meth before loading up the game, I’m getting a little nervous. I really don’t know if being red-eyed, malnourished, and hallucinatory will make for the most pleasurable gaming experience. I’ll try it, but it just doesn’t seem like that much fun.”

Gaming expert LaToya Marshall reflected on this new trend in gaming.

“As video games become more and more realistic, developers find themselves reaching new extremes in order to stay competitive,” Marshall noted. “I’ve heard rumors that upcoming versions of ‘Madden NFL’ will come with anabolic steroids and human growth hormones to replicate the experience of destroying your body in order to perform at the highest level for a couple years, and ‘Red Dead Redemption 3’ will be packaged with a vial that customers can use to expose themselves to cholera so they can feel the inevitable, excruciating death their player character would likely suffer through. It’s a bit much, if you ask me.”

At press time, Šebor had revealed that the game would also come packaged with a handful of predatory speeding tickets.

Ugh, Sorry: We Interviewed Orson Scott Card Without Researching Him First

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, this one’s on us. We’re huge fans of the Enderverse, so when we got a chance to interview its author, Orson Scott Card, we absolutely could not pass up the opportunity. Well, in hindsight, it turns out that’s exactly what we should have done, because this dude is just an absolute piece of shit who’s not worthy of anyone’s time. Here’s the transcript of our attempted interview with him, if you even want to read it. Honestly, we can’t blame you if you don’t. We promise we’ll do more research on our interview subjects going forward.

Hard Drive: Hey Mr. Card. It’s such an honor to interview you!

Orson Scott Card: It’s great to be here.

HD: So what made you decide you wanted to write science fiction?

OSC: Well, that’s actually a very interesting story in and of itself, but I was actually hoping to use this interview as an opportunity to speak against the homosexual agenda.

HD: What?

OSC: You know, I truly believe that the legalization of gay marriage in Obergefell v Hodges in 2015 marked the end of democracy as we know it.

HD: Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you?

OSC: It’s common knowledge that homosexuality is a tragic genetic mixup, and this case began a slippery slope towards total homosexual political rule in this country. I’m just glad I’ve built up this platform through my writing, and with your help I can reach a new audience with my message!

HD: Oh no, we absolutely do not support that.

OSC: Are you sure? If you let me rant against homosexuality for the next few questions, we can talk about “Speaker for the Dead” for a little while.

HD: Ugh, no thank you.

OSC: Do you want to hear about how I urged my followers to vote for Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election?

HD: Alright, this interview’s over.

There you have it. Again, we’re sorry about this, and we promise to be more thorough in the future. In the meantime, we have an interview with J.K. Rowling scheduled for tomorrow, and we figured we should probably look into her before it starts.

Shigeru Miyamoto Determines Society Finally Ready for Wet Bones

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

Kyoto, Japan — In the latest Nintendo Direct Mini, Game Designer and Representative Director announced the long-awaited debut of a new character in the Super Mario universe, Wet Bones.

Refraining from directly addressing the lack of mainline Switch 2 games, Miyamoto spent the majority of the Direct focusing on the announcement that Wet Bones will make his debut in 2027.

“Mario games are a fun distraction from the real world, but they are a reflection of our times and a showcase of how far humanity has fallen,” said Miyamoto, stroking a 3D-printed replica of Wet Bones. “Koopa Troopas are loyal foot soldiers that have a silly side. Dry Bones represent death in a comic form. Wet Bones is from a place where decay has replaced joy and rotting insides are expressed outwardly, much like the current state of the world’s populace. In 2024, both humanity and technology will reach a level where Wet Bones can appear in his fully realized form.”

According to sources, the character concept for Wet Bones has been in production for nearly three decades. Designer Toma Noriyuki spent years working directly under Miyamoto, expressly to get the depiction of Wet Bones to his specifications.

“After creating Dry Bones in 1988 for ‘Super Mario Bros. 3,’ Miyamoto-San selected me to bring his concept of Wet Bones to life,” Noriyuki said from his quarters at Tokyo Metropolitan Masuzawa Psychiatric Hospital. “I was honored to work on this pet project, but his notes were unorthodox and seemed to come during times of personal stress and political strife. The key elements were that Wet Bones should resemble toxic waste combined with flu phlegm and appear as ‘the color of the feeling of nausea’ with the consistency of a sticky sponge.”

Noriyuki’s team studied the manga of Junji Ito, the art of Salvador Dali, and the films of Takashi Miike, Brian Yuzma, and David Cronenberg. 

“I have always trusted Miyamoto, this company is built on his creative mind,” said

Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser. “I heard rumors about Wet Bones, but that his team had delayed his debut over the years by introducing characters like Mega Dry Bones, Red Bones, and Dark Bones. I know it’s inevitable that Wet Bones will be featured soon, who am I to fight it? It will be interesting to see sales of the first game in the mainline mario series that will be ESRB rated 17+.”

Miyamoto stated that more information will be released in the coming months, with an entire Nintendo Direct being devoted to Wet Bones’ power set, specifically that although immune to fireballs, fireballs cause him to release a noxious odor.

House Republicans Demand Trans Gamers Be Stripped of All Medals Won in Nagano Winter Olympics ‘98 for N64

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

WASHINGTON – House GOP lawmakers have called upon multinational video game developer Konami to strip trans gamers of all medals earned in “Nagano Winter Olympics ‘98” for Nintendo 64, sources report.

“We need to restore to female gamers the medals they earned,” South Carolina U.S. Representative Nancy Mace told reporters as she lurked outside a Capitol restroom waiting to harass any trans people trying to enter. “Clearly, this is the greatest issue facing our country today, so I hope Konami does the right thing. I don’t know why my constituents are always asking me to do things like fix potholes or fight to make their groceries more affordable, because efforts like these are such a better use of my time.”

Tamara Huffner, spokesperson from Konami Gaming, had no intention of heeding these demands.

“We’re not doing that,” Huffner scoffed. “Even if Konami wanted to, how would we go about it? Pore over the purchase records of a decades-old game and show up at people’s houses on the off-chance that they still own their system and cartridge, erasing their records if they happen to be trans? We have a lengthy rollout of new games we’re releasing next year, so there’s absolutely no sense in letting the delusions of the Republican party distract us. Maybe we’ll change our mind if Donald Trump imposes some sort of punitive measure against us, which sadly doesn’t seem that unlikely.”

Rose Mihalchek, a gamer who would be targeted by such an undertaking, reacted to the news.

“I completely forgot that game existed,” Mihalchek shrugged. “I have a vague memory of my sister getting pissed off after I beat her in the Speed Skating competition when I was in middle school, so they want to erase that from my N64 memory card? I sold that thing at The Exchange like 25 years ago, so good fucking luck. Honestly, can these idiots just leave me alone and let me live my life? Jesus Christ.”

At press time, House Republicans were trying to pass a bill requiring genital exams for “Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games” for Nintendo DS.

Activision Taps Unknown 12-Year-Old Racist To Direct Upcoming Call of Duty Movie

Posted on by Garry Kerls

HOLLYWOOD — After signing a landmark deal with Paramount to bring Call of Duty to the big screen, Activision has tapped a relatively unknown, racist 12-year-old to direct, our sources close to the deal confirm. 

“As a lifelong fan of the video game franchise, I will not be taking this responsibility lightly,” said David Ellison, Chairman and CEO of Paramount. “And I fully back Activision’s decision to hire an unknown director. I’ve seen his Twitch clips, and it’s clear he knows what makes COD accessible to the youth. We hired him immediately after he said he had intercourse with my mother during his interview, classic COD behavior that we need on the production side.”

This news comes just days after it was revealed that Hollywood legend Steven Spielberg was turned away by Activision to direct the motion picture. 

“They said I couldn’t have complete control of the project, can you believe that?” Said Spielberg, “You’d think the guy who made Saving Private Ryan would be a perfect fit, but I’m happy for the kid they picked. COD is a young man’s game; it takes an iron will and strong constitution to listen to what’s said in those pre-game lobbies, and it’s even more of a challenge to translate that to the silver screen.”

The director in question, Gabe Matthews, has previously found success on YouTube Shorts and TikTok, making gameplay videos of verbally abusing female teammates and racially stoking strangers in game chat. 

“It makes sense to hire a noob to direct the COD movie, the challenge will be tapping into the pent-up rage we all have when we get team wiped by hackers,” said Matthews during a Reddit AMA. “I can’t wait to bring the iconic COD characters to the cinema, like the Ninja Turtles, Michael Myers, and the T-800.”

At presstime, the film has cast Mel Gibson, Gina Carano, and Paula Deen to star in the film that is tentatively titled, “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare Black Ops 9: The Movie.”

Mario Admits He Just Wears the Tanooki Suit for Sexual Gratification

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Nintendo protagonist Mario admitted that he uses the Tanooki suit popularized in Super Mario Bros. 3 primarily as a masturbatory aid, surprised sources report.

“It’s a true-ah,” Mario said shamefacedly while staring at the floor. “I-ah first thought I could use the suit to turn into a statue and-ah protect myself from the Goombas, but I became-ah rock hard the second I put it on, and the next thing I know I’m-ah jacking off in the middle of World 4-5. I-ah haven’t used the suit for its intended purpose ever since. Mama Mia, I’ve-ah never been so embarrassed. Please don’t tell-ah Princess Peach!”

Gamer Zeke Armstrong was taken aback by the news.

“Oh, I guess I never thought of Mario as a sexual being,” Armstrong remarked. “I mean, I guess I’m OK with it. Why should anyone care as long as it doesn’t interfere with him defeating Bowser? I honestly never really used the Tanooki Suit when I played Super Mario Bros. 3, now that I think about it, so he can go ahead and manipulate himself in it as often as he wants. Now that I know that’s what he’s using it for, I’ll probably go out of my way to avoid picking it up next time I play that game. I’m sure Mario will appreciate me leaving it for him to use in his personal time.”

Video game psychologist Adara Cooper provided her expertise on the situation.

“Nintendo doesn’t really explore the sexuality of its characters, so it’s often unexpected when gamers hear about their proclivities,” Cooper offered. “It makes them uncomfortable to hear, for instance, how hard Link came the first time he saw a Goron wrap himself into a ball and roll down a hill, or how King K. Rool once ordered several Kremlings to concurrently stomp on his back until he climaxed. My advice is for fans of these franchises to just focus on the gameplay and try not to let these things distract them.”

At press time, Mario had discovered a new fetish after accidentally hitting himself in the testicles with a fireball.

Opinion: If Raw Milk Is So Dangerous, Why Does It Restore Link’s Hearts?

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

It seems like lately there’s been a lot of talk about pseudoscience pervading our public discourse when it comes to subjects like vaccines and alternative medicine. One topic in particular has been met with extreme volatility, especially since Robert F. Kennedy has been appointed Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. I’m talking, of course, about raw milk, whose supposed health benefits he has been known to advocate for. I, for one, stand with R.F.K., because, after all, if raw milk consumption is so dangerous, why does it restore Link’s hearts?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not some sort of anti-science nutjob. I actually thought about getting a vaccine once, but ultimately decided against it when a friend of a friend told me he knew somebody who got a kidney stone shortly after getting the flu shot. I’ve just seen more than enough instances of Hyrule’s favorite hero restoring his health after consuming glass bottles of milk that, as far as I can tell, have never been boiled. Let me tell you, I’ve been over every inch of Lon Lon Ranch in my handful of “Ocarina of Time” playthroughs, and I didn’t see a single pasteurization machine. How do you explain that?

Obviously, the only logical conclusion is that, not only is Link completely unaffected by the Listeria and Campylobacter swimming through his favorite beverage, but it is actively making him healthier. Really, you can’t argue with that, and it’s not just specific to “Ocarina of Time”. I just completed “Tears of the Kingdom,” and do you think Link would have been able to defeat Demon King Ganondorf without the bottles of bacteria-riddled milk he obtained from Hateno Village’s General Store? Not fucking likely. You can continue waxing intellectual about the suspected cause of the bloody diarrhea I’ve been suffering over the past couple of weeks, but until you’re able to recover from a Gerudo warlock’s two-handed sword attack, you should probably just shut up.

So yeah, you’re more than welcome to insist that scientific evidence is required before you do something as “shockingly dangerous and stupid” as consuming raw milk, but all the evidence I need has been staring me right in the face over my past several decades of gaming. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I desperately need to run to the bathroom again.

Five Amazing Inventions From the Ancient Sumerians That Honestly Weren’t as Impressive as the N64 Rumble Pak

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Inhabiting the land now known as southern Iraq between the 5th and 1st millennium BCE, the ancient Sumerians were known for their unbelievable penchant for technological innovation. Not only did they excel at creation, they also demonstrated a unique talent for improving on existing technologies. Here are five truly mindblowing Sumerian contributions to humanity that, despite their awe-inspiring significance to modern life, honestly are still not as impressive as the N64 Rumble Pak.

  1. The Plow

This common farm tool used to loosen soil before sowing seeds is still used today, and nearly every food we eat is from land that has been cultivated by some form of it. However, did you know that IGN referred to the N64 Rumble Pak as the “biggest surprise” of the 1996 Shoshinkai show? It’s not easy to garner that type of recognition, so we’re going to have to hand this one to the Rumble Pak. Plus, it’s more fun to use. Have you ever tried farming? We haven’t, but we assume it’s super boring and difficult.

  1. Board Games

Oh, come on. You think this one’s even close? Cool, archaeologists discovered the Royal Game of Ur, which is believed to have been created about 4,000 years ago, but some stupid, old-as-fuck board game can’t possibly compare to the feeling of your controller vibrating as you bump your Banzai GTV into your competitors in the Hawaii level of “Cruis’n World”. We felt like we were actually driving in that underwater tunnel, and no Neolithic tabletop accessory is going to replicate that.

  1. The Sailboat

This had huge implications for both trade and war in ancient Sumer, and likely shaped the way we approach both aspects of our society today. However, the N64 Rumble Pak added a never-before-experienced level of interactivity to some of our favorite games for the system, and we just can’t ignore that. Seriously, when’s the last time you went sailing? We thought so. The Rumble Pak wins yet again.

  1. The Writing System

The Rumble Pak was first offered as a bundle with “Star Fox 64,” which is an all-time classic, rivaling the whole of ancient Sumerian culture in and of itself. Also, the Sumerians invented writing just as a means of keeping tabs on their commerce, and we hate capitalism, so this one’s going to go to the Rumble Pak. And yes, we’re aware of the irony in us using a written medium to convey this message. Fuck you.

  1. The Lunar Calendar

Oh come on, we converted to Gregorian like 200 years ago, so we don’t even use this shit today. Why are we even having this conversation? The Rumble Pak gave us up to 60 hours of gaming bliss at a time on just two AAA batteries. Did the ancient Sumerians use any form of batteries? Honestly, we don’t feel like looking it up at this point, so the Rumble Pak wins this last round by default. 

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