Quentin Tarantino Steps on Lego Piece, Orgasms

Posted on by Nick Coffman

LOS ANGELES — In a return to The Bret Easton Ellis Podcast, famed film director, Quentin Tarantino, shared that stepping on Lego blocks with his bare feet can bring him to orgasm. Tarantino shared this latest revelation while breaking down Toy Story 3.

“There’s just something about the raw pain oozing from that last five minutes of Toy Story 3,” Tarantino said, holding back tears and cum. “It reminds me of the first time I stepped on a Lego. It was one of those little 2×2 pieces, so it really got into my foot meat. I creamed in agony as I hopped around the room with a pain in my foot and a load in my Hanes.”

Sensing this anecdote was starting to get out of hand, podcast host Bret Easton Ellis tried to refocus the conversation on Toy Story 3. Tarantino did not take the bait.

“So now I can’t watch the last five minutes of Toy Story 3 without getting incredibly turned on,” Tarantino said, breathing heavily into the mic. “The urge got so bad I went and bought one of those buckets of Lego. You know? The one where you don’t really have anything to build with them, you’re just bullshitting. When I really get in the mood, I dump the bucket on the floor, take off my compression socks, light a candle, and step out into the mess. It’s the most sensational thing I’ve ever felt.”

Desperate to move the discussion along. Ellis transitioned to the next movie on Tarantino’s list, Black Hawk Down.

“The thing about Black Hawk Down is that it is directed by Ridley Scott,” Tarantino said collecting himself. “And nothing makes me bust like a Ridley Scott film.”

At press time, Tarantino checked into a Los Angeles hotel with a grocery bag full of Lego sets, lavender candles, and a DVD copy of Toy Story 3.

How to Turn Off Your Ad Blockers So You Can Watch The Game Awards

Posted on by Nick Coffman

The biggest night in gaming is right around the corner and with it comes the ever-present question, “How do I watch The Game Awards?” Fear not, reader. I have the SEO-focused instructions right here for you.

The biggest celebrities, the biggest game trailers, and the biggest name dropper in gaming will all converge in Los Angeles to celebrate the most commercial games of the year, and if you don’t follow this guide, you cannot watch it. Are you ready to find out how to watch The Game Awards? Well, I’m not ready to tell, I have a word count to meet. Onto the next paragraph of this piece.

Are you still here? Good. The biggest games are going to have the biggest trailers. You don’t want to miss them, or you are going to be the biggest loser at the water cooler. Let’s do it! Let’s reveal how to watch The Game Awards.

Kojima might be there. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson might be there. [Insert Third Popular Celebrity] might also be there, and you are going to miss it if you don’t follow this one simple trick. You have to turn off your ad blocker, my guy. Get it out of here. Do you really want to miss all the trailers and gaming adjacent celebs who don’t want to be there?

That’s right. Just turn off your ad blocker. While you’re at it, why not delete the ad blocker altogether? You are going to want to watch The Game Awards next year too, aren’t you? I mean you can keep it if you want, if you want to be the biggest loser at the water cooler who doesn’t know about the biggest game trailers that were shown at The Game Awards.

Quentin Tarantino Changes Opinion of Paul Dano After Seeing Him Say the N-Word in 12 Years a Slave

Posted on by Sean Fallon

HOLLYWOOD — Writer-director Quentin Tarantino has revised his earlier negative opinion of actor Paul Dano after seeing him say the N-word in 12 Years a Slave.

“I thought Dano was weak sauce,” said the 62 year old Tarantino. “But then I saw his performance as a foreman on a plantation in 12 Years a Slave and the way he dropped those N-bombs made me realize he’s actually awesome sauce. If I had known he could throw that kind of N-word around I would have cast him in any of many, many movies I’ve made in which a white characters, sometimes played by me, says that word to a black actor who has to stand there and swallow the bile that rises in their throat at both the thought of having to share the screen with my meager acting talents and that I’m shouting at epithet that I wrote in the script at them.”

Dano fans (Fanos) welcomed this announcement as the previous statements had them flooding the Internet with praise for their beloved Paul Dano.

“Paul Dano is a national treasure,” said Saul Mano, head of the Paul Dano Fan Club. “Swiss Army Man, Looper, and The Batman are just a few of the amazing performances he’s given where he hasn’t said the N-word. Luckily, there was one in there for Tarantino to latch onto in which Dano plays a virulent racist of the kind old QT loves to write, direct, and sometimes star as.”

Representatives for Paul Dano said the actor was glad to see the issue cleared up.

“There’s nothing worse than a Hollywood feud,” said Stephanie Marlow, Dano’s agent. “And we’re just glad it could be resolved with racially motivated language and not my plan, which was for Dano to show feet. Yeah, I had taken the pics. Shoes on, shoes off, socks on, one sock off, bare toes, painted toes. We covered all the bases. If this thing hadn’t been resolved, Tarantino was gonna be drowning in Dano digits. Luckily, those pics can be deleted now.”

At press time, Tarantino returned to the house he had recently purchased in Tel Aviv to write his final movie which will reportedly now follow the adventures of two descendants of plantation owners played by Dano and Tarantino himself.

Ganondorf’s Minions Suffer Existential Crisis Following Seventh Blood Moon Resurrection

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

HYRULE KINGDOM — Legions of Ganondorf’s horrible henchmen have reported suffering an existential crisis of sorts following their seventh resurrection back to this mortal plane via the Blood Moon, confirmed sources. 

“Me used to think job easy,” stated a recently-revived Bokoblin to the press. “Spot hero, swing club, die fighting. Had purpose. This now seventh life…did me not do good job first six times? What do differently this time? Things not make as much sense now. Starting to re-think life choices. Maybe I not attack hero this time. Maybe I start woodworking business like I planned out of college. Ganon have many other monsters. It time I ask self what true purpose is.” 

Ganondorf, wielder of the Triforce of Power and the legendary King of Evil, spoke about the frequency with which he brings his slain foot soldiers back from the grave.

“I do feel a little bad about bringing them back so often—occasionally,” said the Demon King. “But on the other hand, evil armies run up quite the tab, you know? Who do you think supplies them with all of their clubs, bows and other crude weaponry? If I have the ability to do it, which I do, by the way, then why spend more rupees than I need to? Plus, you have to think…it’s better than being dead. Is that insensitive to say? I don’t know. It’s true, in my opinion.” 

The Hero of Hyrule and wielder of the Blade of Evil’s Bane, Link, offered his thoughts on the matter as the primary person who sends Ganondorf’s minions to their mortal ends. 

“[Yeah, it’s never fun. It might look easy, building various horrifying contraptions to kill these guys, but it does take a toll on the brain. When I feel the worst is when I actually recognize the poor fellas after I’ve already slain them a couple of times.]” said the Hero, whose grunts and guttural screams were interpreted by a translator. “[It’s like, ‘Ah man, I know I blew up this Lizalfos with a bomb arrow last time. Sorry about that, dude. Unfortunately I do also have to burn you to a crisp with this flamethrower I put together.’ That’s just how it goes when you’re saving the kingdom. It’s nothing personal.]” 

At press time, the Blood Moon was seen rising once again, the aimless spirits of slain monsters returning to flesh, just as they did in a war long past. 

“Death by Lightning” Reveals President James Garfield Hated Mondays

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

LOS ANGELES — Netflix’s new historical miniseries “Death by Lightning”, which focuses on the career and ultimate assassination of the 20th U.S. President James Garfield, has shed light on the much-overlooked politician’s time in office—including the fact that he had a particular distaste for Mondays, per reports. 

“There are so many little tidbits and interesting details from this time period that I find fascinating,” historian and TV critic Anthony Andrews told the press. “Reconstruction as a period of American history has long been underexplored in popular media. Furthermore, I’m learning more about James Garfield himself as a historical figure. I had no idea that he hated Mondays so much; there are multiple scenes where the word ‘MONDAY’ appears across the bottom of the screen and Garfield is depicted as visibly grumpy that day…I guess the Sunday Scaries even existed in 1880!” 

Actor Michael Shannon expounded upon his interest in the role and the series in a recent interview. 

“Any time I get the opportunity to play a weird little freak, I’ll take it,” said Shannon. “I’m joking, of course. But I was absolutely fascinated by this script and the surprises just kept coming as I continued reading. For example, did you know that this era was the time where the most lasagna was consumed in the Oval Office? I had no idea. I’m assuming that was due to the first large-scale wave of Italian immigrants coming to America around that time, but I severely underestimated just how pervasive Italian-American cuisine would become to the fabric of our country in a very short amount of time. President Garfield apparently loved it so much that he would request it for dinner multiple times a week. What a life!” 

Some viewers have noted that while the writing, costumes, and overall production quality of “Death by Lightning” are strong, they were a bit put off by some of the B-plot storylines. 

“I think the only things that kind of threw me off a little were the hijinks that Garfield and Chester A. Arthur would get into when they weren’t being presidential,” noted historical drama aficionado Ashley Mumma. “Like that one episode when the White House got a comfy new sitting chair and the two of them stood on each arm fighting over whose it was. Finally an aide yelled at them to share and Garfield stuffed Arthur underneath the chair cushion, saying ‘I’ll take the top half.’ Or when he tried to ship Arthur to Abu Dhabi in a box, only for him to be returned to the White House doorstep. It just seemed a little tonally inconsistent in comparison to the rest of the show.” 

At press time, co-star Matthew Macfadyen told journalists that one of Charles Guiteau’s lesser-known nicknames was “Odie.”

#RestoreTheSnyderverse Guy Changes Address On Anthrax Envelope

Posted on by Brian Wishart

BOISE, Idaho — After the announcement of Netflix’s intent to buy out Warner Brothers film and streaming businesses, local Zack Snyder fan Harrison Watford has changed the mailing address he is sending his lethal anthrax envelopes in an attempt to get the director’s DC universe back on track.

“All my previous letters went unanswered,” said Watford. “I first tried violent rhetoric on social media under the #RestoreTheSnyderverse hashtag with no luck. DC under Warner Brothers seemed committed to making money rather than helping Zack Snyder continue to make films that reflect his uncompromised vision. Letters containing anthrax spores is the obvious next step to the legion of fans having their voices heard. David Zaslav and James Gunn both still draw breath so my plan hasn’t worked yet. But I will not stop until Superman is sad again.”

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos is unafraid of threats and criticism as he believes his company is giving the consumers and the film industry what they want.

“I will sacrifice as many mailroom employees as I need to,” said Sarandos. “As a company we enjoy reaping the profits from cancelling beloved and popular television series. We will continue our mission to increase shareholder value while killing the theatrical experience. We might consider reevaluating WB’s current stance on no longer allowing Zack Snyder to make films. Our research indicates that unprecedented numbers of our subscribers fell asleep during Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire and Rebel Moon – Part Two: The Scargiver. People falling asleep and loudly snoring in the comfort of their home is another benefit to the service we provide that theatrical exhibition discourages.”

Zack Snyder is open to continuing his partnership with Netflix and would welcome the opportunity to return to making superhero films.

“Anthrax seems a little extreme but I like extreme,” said Zack Snyder. “ I look at these anthrax letters as love letters. It’s fans being passionate about what they want. I like what James Gunn has been cooking with the DC universe but maybe there is room for some Zack in the mix? Netflix is the best at juicing their numbers and once Zack Snyder’s Justice League becomes an official Netflix original hopefully we can convince the bean counters to greenlight Zack Snyder’s Justice League 2: Ezra Miller Returns.

At press time, Sarandos has reportedly instructed mailroom employees to send any anthrax filled envelopes to movie theaters worldwide.

Guest Removed From Dionysus’ Party for Decent Exposure

Posted on by Kate Danvers

MT OLYMPUS — A mild kerfuffle erupted at a party hosted by Dionysus when a guest was asked to leave. Alexios Nicolatis of Athens was escorted out after failing to adhere to the dress code of the event.

“This is a brand new toga,” Nicolatis said in an interview outside of the venue, “they’ve got satyrs in there bearing it all. I don’t see what the problem is.”

Nicolatis was told he could rejoin the party if he changed into something more appropriate. When asked about the incident, the God of Revelry clarified that Nicolatis wasn’t removed for indecent exposure..

“No ‘in’, just decent,” Dionysus explained, “that toga was covering everything. I enjoy unwrapping a gift as much as the next deity, but I’m holding parties every day, every hour on the hour, at six and ten, for two hours at a time, and every fifteen minutes. That’s a lot of laundry to do. Where’s your sense of indecency?”

Nicolatis seemed to understand after having the dress code explained to him by nymphs waiting in line outside the venue.

“I guess I should have realized when I saw the host of the party was dressed in a leopard print banana hammock that looked like it was holding the whole bunch.”

At press time, the Mount Olympus party venue now has a sign on the door reading ‘No Shirt, No Sandals, No Sobriety’.

Townspeople Furious After Samus Aran Repeatedly Drives Motorcycle 120 MPH Through School Zone

Posted on by Ben Friedman

GALACTIC OUTPOST 673 — Residents of the Galactic Federation outpost held an emergency town meeting last night to determine how to tackle the issue of bounty hunger Samas Aran repeatedly blowing through school zones at 120 mph.

“We didn’t have any problems until Samus returned from her ‘business trip’ with that frightening motorcycle, which she insists on doing a buck twenty past the local middle school during pickup time. We know she’s done so much to protect the galaxy, which is why we’ve overlooked the unsightly space pirate viscera covering her ship or her space jumping across rooftops, but this is a serious problem,” said concerned parent Ryan Xylox. “The neighborhood watch has tried talking to her like a rational person, but all she does is flip us off while doing wheelies. If she doesn’t slow down, I’m getting the Superintendent involved, darn it!”

Samus dismissed the townspeople’s complaints outright.

“Boo fucking hoo. I didn’t go to school because I was too busy growing up in mountains and caves with bird people, so excuse me if Vi-0-La and I want to tear up some asphalt. If you want to blame anyone, it’s the city planner’s fault for putting a school on a 20 kilometer stretch of road. Where else am I supposed to open this baby up?” said Aran while doing donuts outside of the outpost’s 7-11. “These people are always looking for something to complain about. It’s all ‘no morph ball boosting’ or ‘no shinesparking’. Well next time Ridley shows up, they can call a different bounty hunter. Mama’s gonna ride her hog.”

Outpost police were well aware of the numerous complaints against Samus.

“We respond to multiple Samus related complaints every week but most of them end up being nothing, like walking her Metroid without a leash. This one though is a bit more serious, I mean she’s been riding that bike hard and someone’s kid is going to get hurt,” said officer Grant Henderson. “The only problem is that Samus literally does not give a shit about fines or jail time, plus she has some insane contract with the Federation so our hands are tied. If parents are concerned, I’d recommend home schooling before I get on Samus’ bad side.”

At press time, neighbors looked on helplessly after Samus began ramping Vi-0-La off of the school’s newly installed speed bumps for massive air.

Link Missing After US Military Blows Up King of Red Lions

Posted on by Tim Graham

CARIBBEAN SEA — Scattered flotsam is all that remains of Link’s ship after being struck by the US military, according to leaked Signal chats.

“I can’t believe they bombed Link,” said a clearly distraught Tetra, one of the diminutive hero’s adventuring companions. “He wasn’t hurting anyone, he was just out searching for treasure chests as he’s always done. I was out sailing and actually discovered the debris field. At first I thought the King of Red Lions had been attacked by a Gyorg, but when I spotted a Predator drone circling high above, I knew what had happened. I think the US military made a major mistake but are unwilling to admit to it. Instead, they’re doubling down, accusing Link of terrible, untrue things.”

Pentagon spokesperson Col. Francis Dufresne claims Link was transporting drugs and therefore represented a legitimate target.

“US intelligence has been aware of the narcoterrorist known as ‘Link’ for some time,” said the clench-jawed Dufresne. “Those who consider him a hero would be shocked to learn that Link was in league with some of South America’s most notorious drug traffickers. The insidious operation went like this: Venezuelan drug cartels would drop chests full of fentanyl into the sea and send a ‘treasure chart’ to Link, who would then use a grappling hook to retrieve them and bring them to the US. The amount of drugs in each one of those chests was enough to kill hundreds of millions of innocent, cherubic Americans.”

Link’s associate Tingle claims to have witnessed the attack from nearby Tingle Island.

“There I was at the top of Tingle Tower, enjoying the day’s first mojito, when I spotted something on the horizon,” said Tingle while pantomiming the scene. “I looked through my spyglass and saw the boat belonging to my good friend Mr. Fairy! I was just about to send a Fishman to tell him to swing on by for brunch when a missile dropped from the sky and obliterated the poor little guy! I was in such a state after witnessing that horrific event that I had to spend the rest of the week abed!”

At press time, Tetra announced that a battered Link had been found alive after washing up on a Puerto Rican beach.

I Don’t Like You Either, Pal (Guest Column by Myles MacKenzie)

Posted on by Nick Coffman

Listen up, nerds—and this time, I don’t mean that as a compliment. For weeks, the internet has been abuzz about my appearance in the Metroid Prime 4: Beyond trailer.

“He’s annoying.”

“Will he shut up?”

“I hope he dies.”

It’s become perfectly clear that you guys do not like me. It’s disheartening, but guess what? I don’t like you either, pal.

How dare you judge me? You don’t even know me. I could be a Galactic Federation bad***. Wouldn’t you feel so stupid if that turns out to be the case?

I don’t even care that you don’t like me. I’ve seen the things you like, and whoo boy, you should be embarrassed.

Sylux? You like Sylux? He doesn’t even talk. His armor is pointy. He might as well be a cactus. Is that what you’re into? Cacti? Sounds kinky.

Oh, wait, is Adam your favorite? Now I know you’re a nerd—again, not a compliment—cause he’s a computer. I might love computers, but I don’t love computers, if you know what I mean.

Don’t even get me started on all of you who like Metroid: Other M, unironically. I have no idea how to solve all of your problems, and I’m a master at giving hints. Maybe… try your missiles?

Do you feel big hating me? Is it fun kicking ole Myles Mack while he’s down? This was supposed to be my big moment. Instead, I’ve got a bunch of mouth breathers who call themselves fans of Nintendo’s sixth biggest franchise throwing unprovoked insults at me. What is this, pin the roast on the Myles?

You’ve replayed Ocarina of Time how many times? You’re cool with Navi now, right? Well guess what, bud, you’re just going to have to deal with Myles Mack, cause Myles Mack is here to stay. I’m a lean, mean, advice-spouting machine, hold the mayo.

You’ve waited eight whole years to play this game, but you’ve now got reservations because of my role as a side-character. Listen, pal. It sounds like you were already miserable before I got here. How about you spend less time dissecting a game trailer and more time checking the map? It might be a good idea to get our bearings.

It’s time for Myles Mack and there’s no going back.

See you losers in Smash.