The Ten Best BOTW Shrines Ranked by How Often Link Is Going There To Masturbate

Posted on by Cameron Lehr

Adventuring is tough work. After a long day of fighting vicious beasts and ancient machines, every hero needs to take some time for themselves. Lucky for Link, he and he alone has access to over 130 ancient shrines scattered across Hyrule. So no matter where his adventures take him, our hero can always find a place to pop off and polish the ol’ Master Sword. This is a list of some of his favorites, The Ten Best BOTW Shrines Ranked by How Often Link is Going There to Masturbate. 

10. Kee Dafunia 

You know you’ve become the true champion of Hyrule when you have your own Jack Shack right off the coast. Coming to the surface during only the first light of day, this shrine is perfect for quiet afternoons of furious self-pleasure under the waves.   

9. Gorae Torr 

Every hero has their fair share of enemies, and you can’t truly unwind if you’re always looking over your shoulder. So if security is an issue, this is the shrine for you. With a Goron bouncer keeping watch, you can drop trou without fear that each stroke could be your last.  

8. Zuna Kai 

High on a pillar above majestic Skull Lake, this shrine boasts privacy and Immaculate vibes just in time for fall. Though be warned Kilton has been known to pop in from time to time looking for a different kind of monster parts. 

7. Jitan Sa’mi 

What could be more restorative than an evening with one’s own hand in the presence of the Dragon Naydra and the Spring of Wisdom? The restorative waters of the spring bring about even deeper levels of PNC (post-nut clarity), and mid-session prayers to the goddess Hylia can grant that extra stamina you may need to push through.  

6. Tena Ko’sah

A Major Test of Strength is putting it mildly. With close proximity to both a Fairy Fountain and memories of our ex, this shrine can prove too much to handle for some adventurers. But for those with wills as strong as their grip, this shine can provide fulfilling and cathartic evenings. 

5. Hawa Koth

This remote desert spot is usually reserved for mediation on heavy hallucinogens. But for a weary adventurer, it can just as easily provide a shady spot to rub one out. Under the bones of an ancient creature and in close proximity to a fairy fountain, this shrine serves to remind you of your place within the dance of life.   

4. Keo Ruug

At the foot of the great Deku, feel yourself become one with the korok forest. Here, a sword has slept for centuries, aching to be released. Koroks will be watching, partially with genuine curiosity and partially with disgust.

3. Saas Ko’sah 

For when the monotony of guarding the castle becomes too much, this shrine becomes a castle within the castle with you alone to rule it. Hidden behind a fake bookshelf, this shrine has been used by castle guards for centuries, keeping them sharp and focused. 

2. Shee Vaneer/Venath

For those times when you’re with a friend, the twin peak shrines of Shee Vaneer and Shee Venath can provide each adventurer their own space while remaining connected. This shared experience is said to be one of the most intimate in all of Hyule.  

1. Dila Maag 

At the heart of the desert Labyrinth, this shrine is the perfect marriage of mental and physical stimulation. These ancient and sacred spaces remain cool all day despite the scorching heat of the surrounding desert. I’m sure that whatever lost civilization constructed this labyrinth would be pleased we’ve still found some use for it. 

Why I Decided Not To Give My Children the T-Virus Vaccine

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, I know what you’re thinking: this is just another kook out there willing to endanger not only her children’s lives, but the lives of their classmates and teachers at Raccoon City Elementary School, because she read a few unhinged posts on Facebook. Trust me, I’m not some wacko conspiracy theorist. I did my research, and here’s why I decided not to give my children the T-Virus vaccine.

When the Umbrella Corporation unleashed that horrible virus on our beloved city, I would have done anything for a preventative vaccine. Watching my neighbors and loved ones morph into mindless, flesh-eating zombies was an absolute nightmare, but the subsequent months we spent in quarantine allowed me plenty of time to think. Would a potential vaccine be worth it if I didn’t understand the side effects? How would it affect herd immunity? Should I just purposely expose my children to the T-Virus and allow it to run its course, like chicken pox? While the virus’s complete degradation of the human brain led me to opt against the latter, I ultimately decided that a vaccine just wouldn’t be worth the risk.

Did you know 0.02% of the vaccine’s recipients reported serious side effects, like nausea and vomiting? I’m not subjecting my beloved Tyler and Jessica to that just so some pharmaceutical company can cash in! Also, they came out with that vaccine way too fast. What do they think we are, lab rats? I’ll just tell the kiddos to steer clear of any strangers they see stumbling through the streets of our decimated town, as well as any plant vines and dogs. And they certainly aren’t allowed to go anywhere near that labyrinth of a police station, because I’ve heard some pretty nasty stuff happened there.

You know my neighbor Kirk? He had a stroke just two weeks after he was vaccinated. You think that was just a coincidence? Yeah right. Perfectly healthy 72-year-old chronic smokers don’t just experience something like that. There had to have been an outside cause, and I think it just might have been from a needle jabbed into his right bicep. You don’t need things like “direct causal relationships” or even “any evidence whatsoever” when the truth is staring you right in the face.

This is just my personal decision. If you want to line up your kids with all the sheep down at the free clinic they set up in Kendo Gun Shop, be my guest. I won’t try to stop you from getting your precious little shots. Just don’t come crying to me when they get sick, all because you overreacted to the relatively slim possibility that they would morph into the walking dead. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

The First Person Shooter’s Guide To Opening Doors by Kind of Running Into Them

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It seems like everybody loves first-person shooters, but they don’t seem to appreciate the plight that the average protagonist goes through in every game. Sure, you might be in good physical shape, but can you imagine yourself lugging around a pistol, knife, shotgun, machine gun, hand grenades, health serums, and any relevant information documents while running everywhere you go without so much as a spare minute to catch your breath? Not to mention having to ignore the constant strain on your quads from needing to jump from platform to platform, all while literally every other being you come into contact with is trying to kill you? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Well, since we’ve already established that your hands are pretty much full all the time, here’s a handy guide to circumventing the normally cumbersome door-opening process that both video game characters and actual human beings deal with on a daily basis. Did you know that many doors can be opened by just kind of running into them? That’s right! Oftentimes, these hinged hindrances don’t require so much as the turn of a knob to surpass, which is incredibly useful when you’ve been hurrying along with your weapon swaying rhythmically back and forth.

So, how do you know when you can just shoulder your way through a door? Well, that’s where things might get a little tricky. You can simply sprint headlong into one, but if it’s the type to require a special command or even some type of keycard, you’ll be shit out of luck, especially if you have a demon or enemy soldier hot on your trail. It’s best to be on the lookout for doors that are already slightly ajar, and wooden with a flimsier structure to them than, say, a mechanized door that retracts into the wall beside it. On that note, it’s probably safer if you assume that this doesn’t apply to any door you may come across in settings such as research labs and military facilities, and keep your running-into strategy for places like abandoned schools, old houses, and shopping malls. We wouldn’t want you to take a bullet/claw swipe/bite in the back of the neck as you’re stupidly running in place while pressed up against an unyielding steel monstrosity.

So what are you waiting for? These doors aren’t going to walk into themselves, so get ready to gear up and give them what for. You’ve got an entire city/lab/planet to save and/or wreak revenge upon!

Everything Fans of the Show Need to Know About the Fallout Games

Posted on by R. Anthony Mahan

Once upon a time, companies would quickly rush out licensed video games of dubious quality to promote movies or TV shows, and we’ve finally lived long enough to see things happen the other way around. With its second season a hit and a third already in the works, some fans of the new Fallout television show might be curious to try the games where the franchise began. We at Hard Drive are always happy to help out a fan in need, and so we’ve made this handy guide to help newcomers with their most frequently asked questions.

Which game should I start with?

You should start with Fallout 3, which is the fifth game in the series. Or you could start with Fallout 4, the fifth mainline game in the series and the eighth game overall. Or Fallout: New Vegas, which unlike Fallout 4 is the fourth mainline game. New Vegas uses the same engine as Fallout 3 and uses some story aspects from a cancelled game you can’t play at all named Fallout 3. Or you could start with Fallout 76, which chronologically is the first game. But whatever you do, don’t start with Fallout 1. That would just be silly!

Which game is most like the show?

Fallout 4, because like a television show you don’t have any real control over what the main character says.

What is the gameplay like?

The early Fallout games were isometric CRPGs, while the more recent ones are first-person open-world … hold on, I’m getting a call. Hello? You want the guide to be that casual? Really? I mean, I can try. All right, I’m back, sorry. The games, uh … they’re Skyrims.

Which platforms can I play Fallout on?

All you really need is a PlayStation 2 or original Xbox so you can play Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel. That should give you the gist of what the others are like. All the hack-and-slash gameplay the series is known for plus the dulcet tones of my favorite 50s doo-wop group, Slipknot.

These games have good writing, right?

The Fallout series has helped me discover more about who I am as a person, and what I would do when faced with a difficult moral dilemma. At the beginning of Fallout 3, for example, the player must decide if they want to blow up a town full of innocent people for no real reason, or not do that thing. Now I know that, in such a situation, I wouldn’t. And they say video games have no real value!

Can I meet any characters from the show in the games?

Fallout: New Vegas prominently features Mr. House, allowing you to live out the outlandish video game fantasy of being ruled by a narcissistic billionaire who’s actually smart.

Can I play as a non-human character?

No, but Fallout 3 and New Vegas use the same engine as Oblivion, so you can at least look like one.

What mods should I install?

Despite what many newcomers believe, Bethesda games do not have mod support. Everything you have ever seen of them is regular, unaltered gameplay footage.

Why is the world of Fallout culturally stuck in the 1950s?

Because licensed music is really expensive.

Are the Brotherhood of Steel supposed to be good or evil?

In a ruined world fraught with moral ambiguity, the Brotherhood of Steel unites remnants of humanity from all walks of life under a single universal moral principle: It would be really cool to have an Iron Man suit.

What should I know about the NCR?

The New California Republic strives to emulate the old government of the pre-War United States, believing the sole mistake that led to the Great War was that the bear on California’s flag had only one head.

What is The Enclave?

The Enclave is a vestige of the United States government corrupted into a fascist militaristic organization dedicated to purging America of every group it deems undesirable. This was considered video game villain stuff in 1998.

Any other Fallout factions I need to know about?

Let’s see, we’ve got the classic purists, the Bethesda fanboys, the Obsidian loyalists, the really weird ones who think … oh, you mean inside the games? No, you’re good.

I’m afraid of giant scorpions. Which Fallout games can I play?

The classic Fallouts should be fine. They’re still full of giant scorpions, but with the isometric perspective they look just like regular-sized scorpions.

The show said Shady Sands was destroyed in 2277, but New Vegas takes place in 2281. What’s the lore justification for the NCR still existing as an active faction?

Please get a job. Your parents won’t be around forever.

Isn’t it hypocritical for a story about the disastrous consequences of unchecked corporate power to be twisted into a product for mass consumption by Microsoft and Amazon?

What? No. It’s fine. Shut up.

I just started New Vegas. Are there any gameplay differences if I play as a girl? I just want to have an optimal character build.

There are much larger guides elsewhere on the Internet to help you with all the questions going through your head right now, and there are lots of walkthroughs for Fallout: New Vegas too. But whatever you pick, good luck and you have my full support. Don’t forget to play all the expansions.

My copy of Fallout 4 is bugged! Why does the game look like this?

You have accidentally purchased the 90s edutainment game Hot Dog Stand: The Works.

Why is there no New Vegas 2?

The developers of New Vegas, Obsidian, have foolishly wasted their time making lots of other RPGs that aren’t part of franchises you recognize, and are thus shit.

There’s going to be a Fallout 5 eventually, right?

We’ll most likely get into an actual nuclear war first.

Man Dies After Fans of The Pitt Assure Him They Can Handle It

Posted on by Matt Fresh

PITTSBURGH — Local accountant William Price was pronounced dead yesterday afternoon after he suffered cardiac arrest at work and his co-workers assured him that due to their fandom of the TV series The Pitt they could help in lieu of calling emergency services.

“He started holding his left arm and complaining of chest pain and I was immediately able to diagnose him as having a massive heart attack. Dr. Robby would be proud,” stated Owen Page, one of Price’s co-workers. “He told us to call an ambulance but so many of us are such huge fans of The Pitt that we’re practically doctors so we figured we would be able to help no problem. We did everything we could but unfortunately you can’t save them all. On the plus side I can now say I’m just like Dr. Whitaker because I lost my first patient. If only I had also gotten sprayed by fluids.”

Price’s wife is thankful that his co-workers did all they could to try to save him.

“That’s never the call you think you’re gonna get but it warms my heart that Owen’s co-workers cared so much about him. They could have taken him to a hospital where he likely would have been in the waiting room for hours and god knows what would have happened. He could have died waiting or even ended up punching a nurse. To see that they used their own vast medical knowledge to try saving him themselves brings me great comfort. And they gave me the news very bluntly just like Dr. Robby would have, it’s like I was in the show. I’ll always be thankful to them.”

Noah Wyle, the star and producer of The Pitt told the press that this kind of thing happens all the time now.

“We get fan mail all the time about how the show has inspired people to step up when there’s a medical emergency. So many times when something happens and someone yells ‘is anybody here a doctor’ fans of the show will bravely answer the call. I’m very proud that by making this the most accurate medical show of all time we have been able to instill in our fans the confidence of knowledge to try and help people in their last moments instead of sending them to the hospital to be saved and put into bankruptcy.”

At press time, emergency rooms worldwide have reported that attendance is down in large part to fans of the show treating patients themselves while funeral homes have seen an uptick in business.

Ubisoft Stepping Away from Video Games to Focus On Laying Employees Off

Posted on by Garry Kerls

SAINT-MANDÉ, France — In a surprise statement yesterday Ubisoft Entertainment has announced it will be stepping away from video game production to focus solely on laying people off.

“Recent reports suggest the long-term direction of this company should embrace where our success lies, which is relieving our employees of their duties,” said Ubisoft in a statement hidden inside the update notes for Assassin’s Creed: Shadows. “Ubisoft remains dedicated to our mission of over-hiring after a mild success, panicking, and executing the seemingly endless mass layoffs that we’ve always been known for.”

This announcement comes just days after Ubisoft Halifax was shut down, in a move that Ubisoft swears was not motivated by recent unionization at the studio.

“We understand this shift may be received poorly, and want to assure our loyal fans that we will continue firing all the developers and chopping all the studios you know and love,” said Head of PR for Ubisoft, Antoine Lefèvre. “The unfortunate fate of Ubisoft Halifax was actually the successful end to an internal investigation into Templar activity at that studio.”

Former Ubisoft employees have initiated legal retaliation citing wrongful dismissal, and others have aired their grievances with Ubisoft publicly on social media.

“I got laid off six months after unionizing, in the middle of the winter, in Canada, but hey, it could be worse, I could be in the United States,” said Reanna Bergman in an Instagram reel calling out her former employer. “I’m glad they’re moving away from producing video games, because they ruin people’s lives so much better.”

At press time, Ubisoft has refused to comment on the company’s North Carolina branch recently being listed on Zillow.

Netflix Greenlights Roblox Adaptation Directed by Roman Polanski

Posted on by Nick Coffman

LOS ANGELES — The Roblox movie is finally happening, and it’s coming to Netflix, with Roman Polanski attached to direct. The latest video game adaptation was confirmed this afternoon in a joint press conference, featuring Netflix Co-CEO, Ted Serandos, and Roblox Co-founder and CEO, David Baszucki.

“Wow, I can’t believe we are making a Roblox movie,” Baszucki said, yucking it up on stage with Sarandos in their matching cream suits. “I thought, ‘A movie? If the kids are watching a movie, they aren’t playing the game.’ But then Teddy here reminded me, those dumb little shits are just putting it on as background noise while they play the game. This man is a genius. Why is he Co-CEO? Fire that other guy right out of a cannon and make Teddy king already, you boobs.”

Sarandos then took the podium to reveal additional details about the upcoming adaptation.

“We’re just going to phone this one in, cause you people will watch anything, or at least that’s what our inhouse stats will tell you,” Sarandos said before striking the head a match off the arm of a Netflix intern and then lighting his cigar. “We’re filming overseas for obvious reasons. We don’t have a cast yet. Maybe Chris Pratt? He won’t give us any fuss.”

In a Q&A following the announcement, multiple members of the press were quick to point out Polanski’s history of sexual assault. Baszucki fired back.

“Fun, we’re just going to keep going down this path,” Baszucki said, red in the face. “I’ll have you know most of the media outlets and most of the reporters that reported on Roman’s alleged crimes aren’t even around anymore. Why don’t you report that? You won’t. We want to talk about this exciting movie and all you want to do is talk about Roman. You want to talk about Roman being so bad, how about the fact that this could be his last movie? You ungrateful fucking swine.”

At press time, Chris Pratt had signed on to play the lead in The Roblox Movie.

Stormtroopers Who Killed Tatooine Farmers Feared for Their Lives

Posted on by Matt Fresh

TATOOINE — Amidst galactic unrest, a group of stormtroopers who burned farmers Owen and Beru Lars alive on the desert planet Tatooine are claiming that they feared for their lives in the moments leading up to the burning.

“We were there on official business of the Galactic Empire. It was a routine door to door search to track down radical leftist droids,” said TK-3388. “The fact is we have a job to do. That’s to keep order in the galaxy. This farm couple were agitators who not only obstructed us from doing our duty but who threatened our lives. Tensions were high and we were afraid that they would kill us and so we took drastic action to defend ourselves. Burning them alive and destroying their home was the only thing we could do to protect ourselves.”

High ranking members of the Galactic Empire have applauded the stormtroopers’ courage and bravery in the face of imminent danger.

“There is no greater threat to peace in the galaxy than the machinations of the rebellion. These brave stormtroopers rose above and beyond the call of duty,” said Grand Moff Tarkin. “Faced with two radicals who tried to kill them instead of complying, they bravely withstood a vicious attack, a few of them even came away from the encounter with some internal bleeding, but they found the wherewithal to burn them alive.”

Emperor Palpatine also came out in praise of the troopers.

“We love our stormtroopers don’t we folks? They are absolutely tremendous. Absolutely tremendous. No one does more to protect us from the chaos of the rebellion than them. Except me of course. These particular stormtroopers show wonderful bravery. They were faced with certain death by these radical rebel farmers and they took them down. Took them down like corellian hounds. These brave troopers are helping to make the galaxy great once again.”

At press time, representatives of the Empire have stated the child that the farmers leave behind is better off without them.

Kristi Noem Invites Minneapolis ICE Agent to Join Christmas Adventurers Club

Posted on by Matt Fresh

WASHINGTON — This morning, United States Secretary of Homeland Security and dog shooting enthusiast Kristi Noem announced that Minneapolis ICE agent Jonathan Ross has officially been extended an invitation to the Christmas Adventurers Club.

“It is my honor and privilege to welcome agent Ross into this exclusive club,” said Noem during a press conference in the alley behind a kill shelter. “The Christmas Adventurers Club represents the pinnacle of what America is all about. White power. In taking down the dangerous radical leftist Renee Good as she was in the middle of her crime spree, agent Ross showed courage and bravery the likes of which we have not seen in a long time. It takes a strong will to kill a white and that’s what agent Ross demonstrated as he compromised to a permanent end that evil self-hating white Renee Good. More like Renee Bad,” Noem chuckled to herself as her lip and cheek fillers began to deflate to end the conference.

Agent Ross says it’s a dream come true to be admitted to the mysterious club.

“When I joined ICE it wasn’t only because I hated myself and felt there was no place I belonged. It was because I hate what our country has become. You can’t even say the N word anymore, or the R word, or the F word. That’s not the America I grew up in and it’s the fault of the same people who used their voodoo black magic to curse me with a micro-penis. The immigrants. I know it’s their fault because Fox News told me so. It’s always a shame when a white person is radicalized by online brainwashing but my life was in danger and I did what I had to. Because of what that crazed woman did I am now pooping more blood than usual. For my efforts to be rewarded by being welcomed to this club is an honor.”

While many on the right are applauding agent Ross’ invitation to the Christmas Adventurers Club, left leaning citizens are unhappy with the move.

“It’s absolutely disgusting that this dude murders a lady in cold blood and is being treated like a hero by the right,” claimed Comrade Josh. “That is not what America is about. I will do whatever it takes to help anyone being affected by this so long as they say the exact right thing to me.”

At press time, Noem claimed that Agent Ross had shot to the top of Erika Kirk’s to-do list.

Six-Armed Image of Goro Clearly AI Generated

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BOSTON — An image of Mortal Kombat Shokan sub-boss Goro returned by a Google search must have been AI-generated, sources report.

“This is total bullshit,” search conductor Beverly Petrov complained. “Goro is my favorite Mortal Kombat character, and I just want to make my lock screen a realistic photo of him holding Scorpion upside-down while ripping his arms off. Is that too much to ask? But look at this. He’s got an extra set of arms coming out of his hips, and his eyes look really glossy and unfocused. It’s completely unbelievable. This whole AI thing has gotten completely out of hand.”

Goro was just as offended by the image as Petrov.

“This looks absolutely nothing like me,” Goro observed in a Skype call from his home in Outworld. “Everybody knows I rip people’s legs off first when I’m performing that finishing move, yet here you can see Scorpion’s legs are still intact as I’m tearing off his arms. And look at my belt! Purple? When have I ever been seen in public wearing a purple belt? I know everybody’s focusing on me having an extra pair of arms, but the wardrobe malfunction makes me even angrier. I should sue whoever made this AI image generator.”

Dominic Henderson, creator of Aquarius, the AI image generator responsible for the still of Goro, expressed remorse at the shortcomings of his software.

“AI is still relatively young, so this is definitely a learning experience for all of us,” Henderson said. “I certainly didn’t intend for pictures generated by Aquarius to offend anybody, least of all an interdimensional being that’s fully capable of tearing my head from my body in a single motion. I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone who took umbrage at the six-armed image of Goro my software created, and assure everyone that I see this as an opportunity to improve its performance going forward. And Goro, please do not kill me and have Shang Tsung take my soul.”

At press time, Grok AI creator Elon Musk tweeted, “If Goro was younger then Grok would have given him a 7th arm if you know what I mean,” followed by several laughing emojis.