TOKYO — A new episode of a popular seasonal anime aired this week in Japan, leading previously curious audiences to no longer wonder what the immense budget and manpower was being spent on.
“Oh wow, yeah, they really blew their load here didn’t they,” said Blake Tyeson, who watches the show on Crunchyroll. “The last few episodes were looking pretty mid, but this episode was totally peak. Yeah, that’s how we all talk now.”
Staff members from the animation studio responsible weighed in.
“I’m glad that everybody is enjoying the production this week,” said director Masao Maruyama on Twitter. “And it’s all thanks to the tireless efforts of our staff. You have to know where to spend your money and your efforts, so that’s why we work smart, not hard.”
Anonymous replies claiming to be additional production staff weighed in.
“I worked 132 hours this week,” said one anonymous account. “How many hours are even in a week? I feel like I might have gone over that, actually. Anyway, I hope people enjoyed 30 minutes of cartoon teenagers punching the shit out of each other.”
At press time, diehard fans were already anticipating a drop in quality to follow and were eagerly drafting their complaints in response.
LOS ANGELES — One of the biggest Twitch streamers on the platform, Pokimane, has recently found herself in some controversy for doing something streaming audiences have never seen a woman do: make a joke.
“If you’re a broke boy, just say so,” Pokimane said in part on a stream where she discussed her new product, Myna Cookies. “It’s $28 for a four-pack of bags of cookies. $7 per bag. If you don’t want to buy them, I literally don’t care. It’s your money. Do what you want.”
Needless to say, other content creators were quick to condemn Poki’s statement.
“What a ridiculous thing to do. Flaunting the wealth that you exploited your viewers to get is pretty messed up, to be honest,” said streaming behemoth xQc. “Oh, my picture I posted on Twitter holding stacks of cash in a briefcase? Come on, pretty obvious that was just a playful jab. Pokimane’s situation is incredibly different.”
Viewers were none too happy with Pokimane’s jape, either.
“Well, well, well, she finally shows her true colors,” said chat member awesumguy893, who has been banned in her chat since 2020. “I always knew she just thought of us as viewers to sell products to. Whether it’s her streams, merch, or these overpriced cookies, she’s always just selling things to us. It’s like she’s a business owner, and not our friend like we all thought. Pretty screwed up in my opinion.”
At press time, it became clear that every single person complaining about the product was not going to buy it, whether they were $28 or $2.
Miami, FL – Local Tarkov player ‘NicE_hAX_LoL69420,’ was reportedly in his normal position of lying perfectly still, prone on the floor of Factory, when he didn’t notice his session of Escape from Tarkov crashed almost 20 minutes ago.
Equipped only with the cheapest Mosin he could afford, ‘NicE_hAX_LoL69420’ (referred to henceforth as Rat) resorted to the playstyle after complaining to all his friends that every time he died was the result of a hacker.
“Look, I’ve seen The Wiggle That Killed Tarkov at least a dozen times,” said Rat, barely looking up from his TikTok feed, awaiting a target. “That’s all I needed to know that every death I’ve had in the past six months isn’t my fault at all. This is the only strategy I’ve come up with that sees success.”
According to sources, extract camping is the fine art of doing nothing while waiting for others to collect all the loot and resources, before shooting them in the head as they go to leave the raid. More than other strategies, it requires extreme patience, planning, and a deep seething contempt for your fellow man.
Through a mouthful of pepperoni Hot Pocket, Rat tells us that his strategy going into each raid is to buy a cheap gun with a half a dozen or so rounds, lay down near the extract point, then browse the Tarkov subreddit to downvote anything remotely positive anyone has to say about the game.
“Look, I have over 10,000 hours in Tarkov, so I know what I’m doing. People hate on extract camping, but tell me, would you get mad at a real life sniper sitting in an opportune spot waiting for his target? Of course not, and this is just like that!” He said.
While being interviewed, our reporter noted that there didn’t seem to be any movement or audio coming from his game.
“Yeah, moving will just get me noticed, and the audio’s always been messed up even if you buy ComTacs. The game sucks, I don’t know how people enjoy it.”
After another half hour of scrolling through TikTok, Rat began to realize something may be amiss. He tried wiggling the mouse only to see that nothing happened on screen.
BETHLEHEM, Penn. – The Turner family saw a rare phenomenon in gaming when they cleaned out the basement this past weekend and an old, broken SNES cartridge of Earthworm Jim miraculously regenerated into two games, according to reports.
“I was looking for the 12-foot skeleton we put in the front yard every Halloween and knocked down the box of all my old video games,” says Dave Turner, patriarch of the family. “Most of the games survived the fall, but Earthworm Jim took the brunt of the impact, breaking clean in two.”
The family placed the broken relic of Dave’s youth on the kitchen table and set out to decorate the house for the spooky season, but the real spook was waiting for them to return.
“It was a miracle sent from God!” yelped Dave’s wife Marcia as she clutched a rosary to her chest. “Divine Intervention repaired that Earthworm Jim game. Just as Jesus fed his 500 followers with two fish and a loaf of bread, this game will multiply in order to satiate the children of God.”
The supernatural occurrence has led skeptics and believers alike to flock to the suburban Pennsylvania home. Religious leaders and scientific experts have both weighed in with potential explanations.
“We’ve seen regenerative properties like this before in similar species like Bookworm Adventures and Worms: Armageddon.” claims Dr. Justin Hogan, New Jersey’s leading Wormologist. “However this specimen is unique, a near perfect duplication that could lead to a scientific breakthrough.”
At press time, the U.S. Government has confiscated the two games as they pose a potential infinite money glitch.
INDIANAPOLIS – Steve Barker, 24-year-old mechanic and casual gamer, just doesn’t see what the big deal is with Lethal Company. His friends hounded him to get the game, but even as he begins his first attempt at looking for valuable scrap, he’s finding it pretty relaxing moments before having his neck brutally snapped.
“I have no idea what my friends were going on about. Sure, there are dark hallways, and some scary ambience. But if I’m being honest, I don’t think it’s that scary,” said Barker, in-game for his first attempt during our interview. “Look, I just found a couple of metal bolts. Job done, Shelly. Hey, Shelly? Where’d you go?”
On-site sources attempted to contact Shelly, Steve’s friend with whom he was playing, but there was no sign of her within the entire facility, barring a vaguely humanoid shape wrapped in spider silk hung from the ceiling. They did, however, manage to get in contact with Mark, who had remained in the ship while the other two went in.
“Hmm? Steve? Oh yeah, he’s gonna die pretty soon,” said Mark, pausing the music that was coming out of a turntable he had just purchased with the crew’s remaining money. “You guys like the music box? It was 50% off. Pretty nice, right? Oh yeah, back to Steve. There’s something moving around him, really fast. I think it’s a Bracken. Surprised he isn’t dead already.”
This brings us back to the still undeterred Steve, who’s flashlight had just run out of power. He was carrying an engine of some type, wandering through the dark in the general direction of the exit.
“Yeah, I dunno. Maybe it’s a bit eerie now that my light gave out. Really hoping to run into Shelly… maybe she headed back already,” said Steve, who had not yet noticed the set of white eyes following him from behind. “It’s basically just a salvage simulator. This game isn’t that scary.”
Steve’s next comment was cut short by a pair of dark hands reaching out from behind him. Within a matter of seconds, Steve’s body was carted off around a corner. Steve’s last words were, “OH F**K!”
There was an attempt to reach the Bracken who had assaulted Steve, but the creature was seemingly unavailable for comment.
It’s that time of year again – a palette of autumnal colors paint the landscape. The nostalgia of the holidays transforms from idle memory to a sense of longing. The winds shift from a gentle nip to a firm bite, inviting you to dig out your wool coat and – wait, there’s something in the pocket. A note from the last cold season? It’s a reminder from your then-girlfriend to pick up her inhaler on the way home, which you absolutely did not do. Because you never follow through on anything, youpiece of shit. You know that’s why she left you, right? Oh man. Now you’re spiraling into an all-too-familiar pit of despair: seasonal depression. But don’t break out that boxed hair dye yet – Hard Drive has come up with 10 tips to fight off the “Winter Blues,” if you can see them through.
Start Your Fitness Journey, Filming All of It
Working out at a gym is a great start to improving your self image, and more importantly, what others think of you – so break out that iPhone and force your sweaty flesh on the world. Make sure you come equipped with a grain silo-sized water bottle, weapons-grade narcissism, and no ability to read social cues whatsoever. Your fellow gym-goers will appreciate the free exposure!
Adopt a Cat, Then a Second Cat
Pets are proven antidotes to depression, but let’s be honest – that first cat is going to tear your apartment up. Torn blinds, pissed-on furniture, poop in your shoes, you name it. Clearly, the issue is that cats get lonely, and the obvious solution is to find him a friend. If you experience similar issues with the second cat, simply get another, and repeat as many times as is needed.
Sharpen Your Romance Skills With One of Those Weird-Ass Dating Sims
Why not? A love interest does wonders for the psyche, and while you probably aren’t going to find yourself courting an Eldritch God disguised as a perky undergrad, one of these sims could be good practice before taking on the real thing. Despite their cut-and-dry nature, propositions like, “Match 4 colors, and I’ll let you take me home!” and “Gather evidence to prove we aren’t related!” surely have some sort of real-life application, right? (In the interest of sparing you a vicious roast in the Discord, we strongly advise that you hide this one in your Steam Library.)
Avoid Consuming Alcohol, Smoke Pot Instead
“During times of sadness, people are more prone to cope by way of alcohol, perpetuating the descent into malady,” says celebrity depression expert Vicenzo Corningston. We both know what he’s really saying: smoke more weed. Ignore the somewhat chemical taste and intense bouts of paranoia: that’s how you know you got the good stuff. Cough it out, big guy.
WHATEVER, Consume a Ton of Alcohol, Too
On second thought, maybe not drinking is the problem. Screw the “experts”. Ernest Hemingway, Hunter S. Thompson, Frank Sinatra: all famous for their insatiable drinking habits, and even more famous for being cool as hell. Ever seen somebody frown in a beer commercial? No you have not. So float like a boat on the Whiskey River, until your troubles are far behind.
Open a Credit Card to Pay for Several Mental Health App Subscriptions
Happify, Moodfit, MindShift, Talkspace – the options are limitless, as long as you don’t consider your finances a limitation. However, if the $65-per-week-per-app price of admission seems too steep for you at first, simply open a line of credit to cover the costs! You can’t put a price on your mental health, and after all, credit is basically pretend money. Don’t let some cowardly BS called FICO or Experian stand between you and your emotional wellbeing.
Find True Love in VRChat
This is it. All that time spent playing Galdranak: Stepbrother Universe Love Story! is about to pay off. You focus the lenses on your headset, and lock eyes with her from opposing booths at the virtual Waffle House – she, a nine foot tall Sleestak with offensively large breasts, and you, the shambling corpse of Ronald Reagan. This is your destiny. Yes, the violently glitchy limbs and voice modulation are a little off-putting, and she is asking a lot about your banking information, but we both know you can’t afford to pass up this sure shot at romance. What are routing and account numbers, but simply steps on the staircase of love?
Crap Your Pants at Work So You Can Have the Day Off
Everyone deserves a mental health day, and thankfully there’s a surefire way you’re getting out of your shift – curl some timber in those Dickies. There’s no chance they’re making you stay after that, follow-up meetings with management be damned. Afterward, proudly waddle your way out the door, head home, binge your favorite comfort show, and have a nap – after you shower and do some laundry, of course.
Just Sort of Wait Things Out?
If none of the above tips have worked for you, then our best recommendation for you is the one you’re best at – do nothing. Hunker down, dive into one of the many Humble Bundles you’ve purchased (but never even bothered to download), and hope that global warming continues on its current path. Sure, that might seem short-sighted, but when it’s 70°F in March, you can quickly get back to what you’re used to: plain old, regular ass depression, the way God intended.
Oh man I just realized there are only nine entries. Whatever, I don’t care anymore.
EDMONTON — A woman has received a Facebook message from a man she dumped over ten years ago in what relationship experts are calling a case of “delayed post-pixie dream girl mania,” according to reports.
Sources confirm Justin Beaker was 21 years old in 2010, the year Scott Pilgrim vs. The World had its theatrical release. He reportedly asked Kelsey Sommerbea out shortly after he saw the film because of her reported similarities to Ramona Flowers. Sommerbea dumped Beaker after three weeks, citing “personal issues” that she had to work through on her own.
“Yeah, that was a lie,” said Sommerbea of the decade-old breakup. “It was him, not me. He seemed to think I was some kind of free spirit whose patient authenticity was going to profoundly change him forever. He must have got the wrong idea because I was wearing galaxy leggings when we met. They were still new and hip then, I’m pretty sure it was his first time seeing them.”
Sommerbea was surprised to hear from Beaker after so many years. Having personally witnessed him go through his midlife crisis early, she assumed he would not be going through it again now that he is actually middle aged, sources confirmed.
The short-lived relationship was a romantic whirlwind for Beaker, who took the wrong message away from the film then and is hoping to rekindle the flame now. When he heard about the new animated Scott Pilgrim series – which he has not yet watched – he was flooded with feelings of nostalgia for the gross misinterpretations he made in his youth.
“She came into my life like a supernova,” said Beaker, who would have fallen hard for any woman in a thrifted cardigan or slightly obscure band t-shirt at the time. “So mysterious and free, but with secrets of her own. A beautiful enigma, a living expression of the truths that live in me. I wonder what she’s doing now, if she’s still gliding through life on polished rainbows.”
Sommerbea currently works in accounts payable at the same construction supply warehouse where she served as an intern while she dated Beaker.
“I don’t think he remembers I was in accounting school when we went out,” she said. “I’m not sure he realized it then either. I think he thought that roller derby charity event I participated in one time was my full time job.”
Since the anime’s release, Sommerbea has received similar messages from at least six other exes. Sources close to the situation confirmed she has no plans to open any of them.
There are dozens of Assault Rifles available for you to use in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. These versatile weapons can be used in both short-ranged or long-distance situations, making them ample for any mode in the game. Long-range can be especially handy when aiming to get a longshot with an Assualt Rifle for a challenge.
Plenty of variables need to be considered, including weapon attachments, game mode, and even the weapon itself. We’ve got you covered with everything you need to keep in mind about longshots for ARs.
Assault Rifle Longshot Distance in MW3
To receive a longshot with an Assault Rifle, you need to kill from at least 38 meters. That’s quite a bit farther than the shotgun longshot distance requirement. Most Assault Rifles available in MW3 will have the ability to kill at 38 meters, though. You need to make sure you have the proper attachments.
Naturally, you will likely run into issues obtaining these longshots on smaller maps used in Team Deathmatch or Search & Destroy. As a result, we recommend that you attempt to earn these longshots through Ground War, which offers a wide variety of large maps. These maps make it much easier to kill people at long distances.
Best ARs to Use for Longshots in MW3
One option is the MTZ-556. This Assault Rifle is unlocked quickly at the beginning and offers great accuracy, especially at long-range. Of course, this is essential for longshots, so it is a no-brainer to look at this weapon as one option. Another option is the MCW, which has an incredible accuracy rate that can’t be beaten. With low recoil, you can rely on this Assault Rifle for long-ranged shooting with ease. We recommend that you equip a proper scope with at least a 2X zoom for best results with an Assault Rifle. That gives you the best chance to rack up longshots quickly.
The Sniper Rifle gives you the ability to shoot players all over the map in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. No matter where the enemy is on the map, you’ll be able to find and kill them with a single bullet most of the time. So, how does a longshot with a sniper in MW3 even work?
Sniper Rifle Longshot Distance in MW3
The longshot distance required for a kill to count as a longshot with a Sniper Rifle is 50 meters. This is the highest longshot distance out of all weapons classes, including the Launcher at 30 meters. Most of the smaller maps in MW3 are not going to offer 50-meter stretches to kill enemies, unfortunately. So, you must play smart to earn longshots with this class.
Best Tips to Get Longshots in MW3
First, it’s important to pick a weapon you are comfortable with in the Sniper Rifle class. This can mean adjusting attachments to better fit your playstyle or even choosing a different weapon altogether. Without a weapon you’re familiar with, longshots can be very challenging.
The second is checking your attachments. If you don’t use a proper scope with suitable zoom, it will be hard to nail longshots across each map accurately. You also need to factor in the bullet drop and accuracy with other attachments. Third, make sure you are playing the proper mode. We still recommend Ground War for MW3 as the maps are more extended and extensive, but other options exist. If you keep getting hit markers, try the Hardcore modes since one bullet kills an enemy.
Overall, it comes down to part luck and part setup. If you plan accordingly and have your class correctly set up, you should have ample opportunities to earn longshot kills in Modern Warfare 3. Try testing out the shooting range if you’re having trouble with longshots for Sniper Rifles.
DALLAS – Epic Games has unveiled a new update to their flagship title ‘Fortnite.’ This highly requested change brings back the original map as well as weapons and mechanics that players fell in love with many years ago. One of the many players excited about this update is my 11-year-old nephew Jonathan, who has very strong opinions on these changes.
“From the enchanting forests of Wailing Woods to the rolling waves eroding the cliffs of Snobby Shores, there will be no place safe for the enemy to hide,” Jonathan said. “Although I was merely 6 during prime Fortnite, love knows no bounds through the tapestry of time. My heart still beats to a drum that is long past, for love is a timeless thread that sews a new soul.”
Jonathan is very excited about the new features Fortnite is bringing back, according to sources. Here is what he had to say when asked about the return of “Double Pumping,” a popular exploit where you can switch between two shotguns quickly for a faster rate of fire.
“A knife doesn’t need to be double-edged to win a battle. When the enemy is not at peace with their thoughts, death will come easily.”
At this point, Jonathan seemed to go on a bit of a tangent that reporters estimate can only be about the return of Risky Reels.
“The real risk is falling asleep, but not daring to dream so that when we wake, we don’t feel the disappointment of living a life that we could have lived,” Jonathan continued to talk about his favorite emotes. “I love dancing above the mass graves of our enemies with my comrades after a fierce battle. There is nothing better than the smell created when the steel of my blade meets the iron in their blood. A sense of victory fills the air as our feet stomp dirt into the corpses buried deep in the earth.”
At this point, Jonathan’s face began to show feelings of an emotion that I can only describe as lust. To quickly wrap up the discussion, this reporter had to ask what everyone is wondering: Where are we droppin’!?
