Game Night With The Boys Cancelled After Dan Forgets to Update His Fucking Game Again

Posted on by Trevor Hazell

LOS ANGELES / DENVER / CHICAGO – In a turn of events that surprised no one, game night with the boys was unceremoniously cancelled upon discovery that Dan forgot to update his fucking game again. Multiple reports came in Thursday night from sources nationwide, reportedly all of whom were frustrated dudes in their late-20s.

“He’s always fucking doing this. I’m at the end of my rope.” wrote Andy Schnieder, Dan’s once college roommate. “We find the one night we can all hop online, he has all week to make sure his game’s updated, and then the SECOND we get on Discord, he drops the bomb that he forgot to do it ahead of time. He doesn’t even have the decency to give us a heads up until we’re already sitting in the fucking menus waiting on him. I stayed up way later than I normally do for this. I mean, I’m two fucking timezones ahead of him; I’ve got work in six hours! Dan hasn’t had a fucking job in five and a half months!”

Further investigation corroborated Andy’s claims about Dan’s recent stint of unemployment. Many took to wondering why Dan couldn’t manage to download a simple update with so much free time on his hands. Cameron Hoffman, Dan’s friend from improv class, had a couple of theories as to why;

“Dan’s a fucking idiot,” said Cameron. “He always pipes up, ‘Oh don’t worry, this update should only take like 20 minutes max,’ but we all fucking know how shit his internet is. I send multiple reminders hours beforehand, ‘Hey, just remember there’s a 54 GB patch, it’s gonna take a while to download,’ but no. He gets like 10 Mbps download speeds; that shit is gonna take him 12 hours to download, at least. He moved back in with his parents but won’t upgrade from whatever antiquated dial-up shit they still use. What’s he gonna play on that kinda connection? Bejeweled? At this point, we’re tempted to just leave him behind and play some trios. Maybe we’ll autofill with some rando who’ll get more than two elims for a change.”

Despite Dan’s failure to launch, in more ways than one, not all of his friends were so quick to judge. Tristan Perez, Dan’s childhood friend, struggled to find a defense for the inaction taken time and time again.

“I mean, I think we can give Dan some leeway,” said Tristan. “It feels like games these days are always dropping constant updates at the most random times. There’s no way to stay on top of all of it, right? The game studios are always releasing broken games that need patching or constantly adding new battle pass updates every other week. It’s a lot to keep up with just to play a game with friends nowadays. To be fair to Dan, none of us are totally blameless. I’m the only one without a Gaming PC so we can’t really play anything exclusive on there. Andy never got a Playstation, so we can only play games with crossplay, so that limits things a bit. Cameron’s ancient graphics card is crapping out, so until he upgrades, most of our go-to games keep crashing on him… Honestly, I- I don’t know. My coworkers invited me to go out with them tonight, and I turned them down for game night, like- I could be out making real human connections with people, but instead, I’m listening to these guys all yell at each other that we can’t play ‘virtual army-man dress-up’ because Dan didn’t update his game. I’m just so tired. I can’t keep doing this. We should probably just stop being friends.”

As the weekly vitriol towards Dan waned in the following days, he finally felt comfortable enough to open up and provide context behind his total inability to update his games on time.

“I just really don’t want to play Modern Warfare III. Can we please play Fall Guys again?”

Hunt: Showdown Player’s Highlight Reel Just 7 Minutes of Successfully Finding Ammo, Reloading

Posted on by Brad Lester

SHEBOYGAN, WI – The Hunt: Showdown community has been set ablaze by a new highlight reel, courtesy of long-time hunter “BayouXBully.”

While your typical reel might consist of feats of marksmanship, impossible odds, and sheer dumb luck, Bayou’s set out to showcase a skill considered by many to be the game’s most difficult to perfect: ammo management.

Through the course of 7 minutes, Bayou takes viewers on a journey displaying veteran expertise, at times finding boxes of long rifle rounds and special ammo crates seemingly created out of thin air. Yet more impressive is what follows – when he successfully loads those bullets into his Civil War-era arsenal without any interruption, or rounds wasted.

“I’ve honestly never seen some s**t like this, man,” remarked one viewer we spoke to. “He just finds ammo wherever he goes, it’s like he’s some sort of gunpowder prophet. I watched him fill up on incendiary mmo, in Scrapbeak’s lair. It’s not enough that he’s got the stones to run special ammo on both weapons, but somehow managing those spare rounds against Crowdaddy? It honestly has me thinking it’s hacks.”

The most memorable segment of the video sees Bayou – while under crossfire from both a duo and the remaining half of another – complete perhaps the most lengthy and difficult reload Hunt has to offer: the 28 second reload of the 17-round Caldwell Conversion Chain Pistol.

“I love the Fanning perk with the chain gun, ‘cause I don’t shoot so good,” Bayou began, when we asked him to walk us through this clip. “So I dumped all of my DumDum rounds downing the first guy, and when I realized I forgot to equip a second gun at all, I had no choice but to reload.”

“After I got the first nine bullets in, I knew I couldn’t stop,” Bayou continued. “Those last eight bullets… that’s what separates the men from the boys. To let three other players listen to you reload for half a minute, nonstop… you gotta have that dawg in you, bro.”

The clip ends with Bayou completing the strenuous reload, and immediately losing his life after a torch-wielding grunt strikes both him, and the explosive barrel he’d been unknowingly crouched next to for the entirety of the clip.

Hunt’s developers at Crytek also seemed to be in a collective state of shock when the reel made its rounds through the workplace’s group chats.

“Obviously when we first started on the game, we all agreed we wanted to make finding ammo and reloading worse than pulling teeth, right?” remarked one dev, who wished to remain anonymous. “So when some f***er like this comes along, finding whatever rounds he needs, never losing a single shell to a reload because every hunter he runs has Bulletgrubber? I’ll come clean, we start trying to find a way to put every pack of Hellhounds and Hive at our disposal in his path.”

When asked if he had any specific focus in mind for his next highlight reel, Bayou expressed a desire to capitalize on his recent success, but left us with only a single cryptic statement:

“Let’s just say Louisiana could use a few less horses.”

Ranking Survival Games by How Long My Friends Would Play Them With Me Before Losing Interest

Posted on by Alex Kitsinger

Survival games are often best when played with friends. The ability to split up tasks and have somebody to talk to can break past the initial tedium of many games in the genre. Plus it’s just fun to work together as a team and have long chats. Unfortunately your fake AF friends will drop every single survival game in order to go touch grass, or whatever they do instead of banging rocks against trees with me. Here are the top 10 survival games to play all night, mostly without your friends’ accompaniment.

#10 — No Man’s Sky

What No Man’s Sky lacks in traditional survival mechanics, it makes up for in deep, engaging ship building systems and visually impressive alien worlds to explore. None of your friends will play it with you though because the internet told them it sucked seven years ago.

#9 — Satisfactory

You’ll never want to put this game down. It’s more of a factory builder than a survival game, but it scratches the exact same itch in your brain to start from nothing and build an empire. Your friends will give it a try and never play it again as soon as they need to do seventh grade math.

#8 — Grounded

Grounded is a fantastic game, but the steep difficulty curve of several of the bosses and the terrifying spiders can make it hard to recommend to everyone. Its enjoyable combat and unexpectedly deep main story will keep your friends around for a couple weeks, but they’ll rage quit after dying to Broodmother one too many times.

#7 — Valheim

The five biomes and bosses that were available in the game at launch are quite enjoyable. With enough players even the most tedious iron runs will move swiftly. Unfortunately, that tedium is dialed up to 11 with the mistlands, and your friends actually stopped playing a long time ago.

#6 — Sons of the Forest

A very satisfying in-world inventory system and unique log-based building mechanics will keep you coming back to Sons of the Forest. None of your friends will actually want to play this one with you, but that’s okay. Kelvin will always be by your side.

#5 — Don’t Starve Together

The art style is what initially got your friends to play Don’t Starve, but they decided to stick around for a while to see if it was actually possible for them to make meaningful progress.

#4 — 7 Days to Die

With so many options for both melee and ranged combat, it’s easy to sink hundreds of hours into multiple playthroughs. While you’re desperately farming materials by the thousand to build a suitable horde base, your friends will be punching zombies with their bare hands and eating broken glass.

#3 — Minecraft

You actually stopped playing Minecraft years ago, but the one friend that isn’t a gamer wanted to try it out. It’s always fun to relax and build another castle, even if it means babysitting someone still getting used to mouse and keyboard controls.

#2 — Terraria

The modding community has really kept this game alive, but the base game has enough interesting content that your friends will probably want to actually beat it. They’ll only use the minishark though, no matter how much you tell them it isn’t all that good.

#1 — Ark: Survival Ascended

This is the only game your friends will play just as much as you. Probably more, actually. The promise of riding a T. Rex into battle against bosses will keep them going through the slow midgame, and building the dinosaur compound of your dreams will keep you busy for hundreds of hours.

Sbarro Voted Best Pizza for People Already at the Mall for GameStop Reasons

Posted on by Will Carnevale

BRIDGEWATER, N.J. — Sbarro has once again been voted “Best Pizza for People Already at the Mall for GameStop Reasons” by the readers of the food blog Pizzaperlatives.

“Some people thought being mocked on The Office was as good as it would get for us,” began Sbarro CEO David Karam as he accepted this year’s award in the Bridgewater Commons food court, surrounded by empty tables and the occasional shrieking child. “But people like you remind us every year that there is no such thing as bad press. And that’s coming from a company that’s filed for bankruptcy twice. We love our customers, we love gamers, and we love that you’ll pay New York prices no matter where you are.”

A rocky financial history and food quality described alternately by Pizzaperlatives’ own readers as “mid” and “it was either this or diabetic shock” haven’t stopped Sbarro from winning this vote in fourteen out of the last fifteen years. Olive Garden’s 2017 write-in victory for its Kids Pizza has since been widely discredited as a case of ironic vote brigading.

“Yeah, Sbarro is fine. I don’t know,” said Pete Sobotka, a 28-year-old Sbarro customer with a plushie-packed GameStop shopping bag on his lap. “I don’t really do ‘outside’ like that, so when I have to schlep all the way here for a Pokémon giveaway that could’ve been done online, having a relatively edible cheesy treat available under the same roof really takes the edge off.”

Pizzaperlatives Editor-in-Chief Tom Attoli blames himself in part for “relatively edible” pizza like Sbarro’s consistently winning what he has long realized is an overly specific award—not unlike “Best Pizza Inexplicably Made Differently at Its College Campus Locations,” another category which Sbarro has quietly dominated for several years.

“The truth is, in the Venn diagram of pizzerias in malls and pizzerias with name recognition, Sbarro’s kind of the only game in town,” Attoli explained. “I mean, what else is there? California Pizza Kitchen? I guess that’s technically pizza, at least in a legal sense. But every year, the voting seems to suggest that people know to steer clear of anything ‘California pizza.’”

California Pizza Kitchen, for its part, has vowed in a press release to do “whatever is necessary” to nab next year’s prize. Its parent company Nestlé has already begun a hostile takeover of GameStop, reportedly with the goal of creating what it calls a “Cricket-like” presence for California Pizza Kitchen in all GameStop mall locations.

Xbox Considers Raising Game Pass Price to $70 Per New Game

Posted on by HG Punk

REDMOND – Xbox is considering a new pricing strategy for their Game Pass service, charging users a one-time $70 per game fee (only on games they want) instead of a monthly fee, executives at the company confirmed.

“I think gamers would be very thankful to be able to play their games whenever they want,” explained Xbox boss Phil Spencer. “This exciting new pricing strategy will allow our players to keep enjoying their games even after they’re taken off of Game Pass. Not only that, but they’ll be able to choose whether they want to pay for a certain game or skip it and wait for something they’re excited for. These kinds of never-before-seen tactics are why gamers choose us, other than the looming threat of exclusive Elder Scrolls.”

Henry Giorgio, a long-time Game Pass subscriber, said he welcomed the possible change with open arms.

“I kinda like the idea of just picking the games I want and paying for those”, said Giorgio. “The freedom of choice is like no other. It can get really embarrassing paying for a month to play a new game and it ends up being Redfall. I’ll be sure to never make that mistake again.”’

Developers across the gaming industry have been enthusiastic at the rumors, believing that the pay-as-you-play model will serve for bigger revenues.

“People are too snooty to buy an indie game that costs more than twenty bucks, but they’ll sure as hell pay for Game Pass to play it,” said one indie developer who wished to remain anonymous in fear of professional retaliation. “We worked on our latest game for seven years only for it to be shat out in the same lineup as five Call of Duty games and some Paw Patrol shovelware. Maybe if they know our game is the one they’re paying for, they’ll actually go out and play it for once.”

Xbox’s main competitors at Sony have been relieved at the possible price change, believing that if they follow suit they can stop pretending to give a shit about the Playstation Plus catalog.

Ancient Doomsday Prophecy Forms Cute Little Rhyme When Translated Into Modern English

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

VAGUELY MESOAMERICA — An ominous message carved into an obelisk in the temple-cum-catacomb-cum-aqueduct of an ancient indigenous city-state has been translated neatly into English as a jaunty rhyming verse, according to sources familiar with the dig.

“Nobody actually tells you how easy it is to resurrect a dead language,” commented proto-linguistics expert Ramon Serra when his team announced the findings. “Variable sentence structure, gendered language, gaps in meanings, that’s all fake. ‘Just translate the words, idiot!’ So we did. Turns out the temple priestesses weren’t afraid to slap ‘yea!’ and ‘oh!’ everywhere to hit syllable counts on this prophecy.”

“See this character here? Translates directly to ‘global warming,'” he continued. “This one here means ‘if.’ This big one here just means ‘the Devil,’ like, the one from the Bible. Couldn’t make it up if I tried.”

The full text of the world-ending proclamation is being withheld from the public, for what are surely sensible reasons, but Hard Drive has acquired brief excerpts through the coverage of local news sources.

“First line, ‘doom’ and ‘tomb’, that’s a classic; no notes there,” said Gabriela Siquier, an on-air reporter in a township near the historical site. “Then we get into, something something, ‘…skies, you will see; the end of mankind as you know it, it… be.’ Ay, güey, they stretched for that one.”

“Yadda yadda, ‘…sea level, boiling of homes; harken ye fools, as the eschaton comes.’ Wait, wait, ‘homes’ and ‘comes’? That’s some horseshit.”

Though some involved with the project are concerned as to what the message might mean for humanity, academic envoys at the dig site say this is a leap in their cultural research.

“Finally, proof that brow– er, ancient people possessed some level of true developed wisdom!” Ciaran Wickwire, a visiting anthropology scholar from a university in Wolverhampton, was quoted saying. “So insightful, so forward-thinking, that they knew English-speaking white people would inherit the earth and save themselves with this warning! Maybe they really did build this temple without help from the Greys. I’m ready to believe anything.”

At press time, attempts to extract the obelisk for further study have been temporarily halted after a local guide was killed by a poison-daubed arrow fired from the snakelike head of a wall relief.

13 Games to Play After ‘Elden Ring’ No Longer Satisfies Your Masochistic Desire for Self Punishment

Posted on by Traye Holland

Are you just now getting through your fifteenth no armor, fists only, level one playthrough of Elden Ring? Are you looking for another challenge? Do you have this aching need to be punished? To have your body broken and your spirit crushed?

First of all, what the hell? Second of all, don’t worry! I have compiled a list of games known for their punishing difficulty, nihilistic atmosphere, or even both. Some of these you’ve probably already heard of or played, though I tried to stay away from the more obvious picks (sorry, Binding of Isaac and Super Meat Boy, everyone already knows who you are) to serve you up some delicious suffering. But be warned: I am going to be judging you the entire time.

#1 — Literally Any Soulslike

Let’s go ahead and get these out of the way. Otherwise, they would take up the whole list and then some. You already know the From Software games: Demon’s Souls, Dark Souls, Bloodborne, etc. You also already know the many games they inspired: Ashen, Nioh, Darksiders III, Lies of P, the list goes on and on. I’m recommending them here, but you’ve probably already played them all, haven’t you? I bet you have. Now that that’s out of the way, we can move on.

#2 — Ghosts ‘n Goblins

A game for people like you. People who mash themselves through Elden Ring and crawl away thinking it just wasn’t BS enough. Sick bastards who never get enough of pain. People Hellraiser would be unsettled by. If you manage to make it all the way to the end of the game, you are rewarded generously. And by generously, I mean by having to replay the entire game on an even higher difficulty to unlock the actual ending. Eat your heart out.

#3 — Blasphemous

If the Lands Between is a bit too cheery for you, you can always hop into the Spanish Catholic-inspired world of Blasphemous. Though not as difficult gameplay-wise, Blasphemous is practically dripping with religious guilt. The main character, The Penitent One, wears a spiked helmet filled with blood. A perfect avatar for you and whatever it is you feel like you need to punish yourself for.

#4 — Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?

This quiz game based on the popular game show offers a different kind of pain. The thinking kind. What’s more punishing than the realization that fifth graders are smarter than you? This game will make you realize just how long it’s been since you’ve studied algebra. It turns out lumbering around like a neanderthal grunting the usual four letter words isn’t great for your vocabulary retention. Maybe if you weren’t so busy punishing yourself, you’d have the time to visit a bookstore. For you, I recommend getting something from the Self Help section.

#5 — Scorn

If Scorn’s looks-like-H.R.-Giger-and-Zdzisław-Beksiński-had-a-baby art style is not dreadful enough for you, then don’t worry. The atmosphere is complimented perfectly by the absolutely miserable gameplay. Especially the shooting. One terrible combat sequence and even a filthy little punishment glutton like you will be begging for mercy, or some simple little baby game like Dead Space.

#6 — I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream

An adaptation of the sci-fi horror short story by Harlan Ellison. This is a point-and-click adventure game where you play as a group of humans whose whole purpose is to be tortured physically and psychologically by an Artificial Intelligence who hates mankind. That’s right. You get tortured by an AI who hates you. That’s the game. Most people would play this game and then maybe be a little nicer to ChatGPT or Siri, but not you. This is the future you dream of. Try not to drool all over yourself.

#7 — Disco Elysium

In Disco Elysium, you play as an alcoholic POS who everyone hates for being an alcoholic POS. You stink. Your face gives people the creeps. You’re fat. Your girl left you because you’re such a loser. Everyone insults you. Your own thoughts insult you. Sound like a good time? Sound like a great game for you to play and enjoy? I bet it does. Why do you do this to yourself?

#8 — Spelunky 2

If you enjoy being mercilessly, endlessly battered, then this is the game for you. The cute aesthetics may make you think this game will be a fun and innocent kids game, but when you’re hit by a dart trap onto a snake that knocks you into a pit of spikes, you will realize that you are not in a fun kids game. You are in hell. And you love it.

#9 — Ecco the Dolphin

Speaking of kid games with brutal difficulty, in this game you play as an adorable dolphin on an adventure to reunite with his lost pod of friends. Seems simple enough, right? Wrong. The plot quickly takes a turn into Lovecraftian levels of cosmic horror, involving ancient civilizations, time travel, and a malevolent race of aliens. Not only that, but the game itself is difficult as hell. So difficult that most who play it never get past the first level. Please, pull your pants back up. It might be worth your time to dust off the old Sega Genesis for this one. Or boot up an emulator.

#10 — Enter the Gungeon

Rounding off the cute-but-insanely-tough series of punishing games, we have Enter the Gungeon. In this game, everything is either a gun or a bullet. The enemies are bullets that shoot guns. The guns are guns that shoot bullets. Sometimes the bullets are guns that shoot bullets. Sometimes a bullet shoots a gun that shoots bullets while you shoot back with a gun that shoots guns as bullets that shoot bullets. I can’t make it any clearer than that. The game is hard.

#11 — Uno

Only when your best friend hits you with a Draw 4 will you truly know pain.

#12 — XCOM 2

The cool soldier you’ve spent the past five hours customizing and equipping with the best gear, the soldier with all the best abilities, the soldier with a really cool nickname, will be killed because he missed a point blank shotgun attack with a 95% hit chance. This will cause your rookie soldier to panic, scatter, and get picked off. Your grenadier will get mind controlled and shoot your medic, who will then start to bleed out. This will all happen in the span of two turns. XCOM 2 is vicious in just how quickly things can go wrong. Much like your overall direction in life.

#13 — FemDomination 2

Let’s be honest. There is a pretty good chance that your obsession with mercilessly punishing yourself through brutal video games is a s*x thing. Everything is almost always a s*x thing. So let’s stop pretending and get to the kind of punishment you’re actually looking for. No, I’ve never played this game. I just googled for this type of game and picked a random game I thought you’d be into. Then my work laptop was confiscated and I had a meeting with Human Resources, so thanks for that. Enjoy the game. I hope it gives you the sick kicks you’re looking for.

So there you have it. A bunch of games for you to be battered, beaten, insulted, and humiliated by. Hopefully they should keep you occupied long enough for researchers to discover what exactly is wrong with you. Of course, if you can afford all of these games, you could probably also afford to see a therapist. But we both know you won’t, will you? You are perfectly content writhing in your own blood and tears. You disgust me.

Dream Threatens to Reveal Second Face in the Back of His Head

Posted on by Brad Waters

ORLANDO, FL — Tired of online ridicule, embattled YouTuber Dream recently threatened to reveal a deadly second face in the back of his head, sources confirmed.

“I’m not freaking kidding you guys,” the creator yelped in a recent vlog. “You’re making me really mad, and if all you nasty people on my screen don’t stop making things up about me I’m gonna…I’m gonna…”

It was at this point that the video feed became distorted and Dream turned around to reveal his signature Dream mask on the back of his head.

“I’m gonna take my mask off for real this time…” beckoned a vaguely familiar voice, not unlike Dream’s but deeper and with a faint echo. “You thought cheating in speedruns was bad?…You thought making sexually illicit jokes at minors was bad? Hahaha…” laughed the voice. “See what I make this kid do next. See what unyielding horrors his mortal coil can facilitate…”

Reactions to the vlog were mixed. One Dream fan expressed her concern to us about what the cryptic message could mean.

“Oh god. He’s gonna do another song again, isn’t he?” She said, planting her face into her hands. “I wanna be a fan of his, I just…I really don’t think I can go through that again, I really don’t.”

As of press time, dark clouds have begun swirling over the sky near Dream’s residence in Orlando, Florida, as fans begin to worry he has sacrificed Nicholas Cantu to the blood gods in exchange for unspeakable power; or — is in fact, writing another song.

Heartwarming: Mario Still Lets Sonic Pretend They’re Rivals

Posted on by Brad Waters

TOKYO, JAPAN — Online communities are buzzing with the heartwarming story that Mario is reportedly still letting Sonic believe that they’re in any kind of real competition.

In a recent interview SEGA executive Osamu Ohasi was quoted saying; “Simply put, I want Sonic to surpass Mario,” before taking another fat hit off the world’s biggest bong. “Sonic was originally developed to compete with Mario, but our goal is really to have Sonic beat Mario, and we believe that day could be right around the corner,” Ohasi continued.

Putting his extremely large bong down to try and regain his eyesight, Ohasi explained; “that’s why we keep hiring the same people who made the bad Sonic games to keep doing that over and over again. Sure Sonic Mania was a hit, but have you ever heard that theory about monkeys and typewriters and Shakespeare? I’m confident these guys will crack the code eventually, and we’ll have our Hamlet. I bet it’ll involve the Werehog somehow!”

When asked about SEGA execs’ push to have Sonic surpass him, Mario was unsurprisingly humble.

“I like-a-Sonic! It’s-a-good when he goes fast!” he said in a somewhat muted tone. “If-a-the SEGA men want him to beat me, that will be fun! We’re-a-doing the olympics again soon, and even though I’ve won every single event in the past 15 years, maybe this could be his year!”

When asked about Sonic’s inability to defeat Mario even in events that he should excel at like the 100m sprint, Mario again played it down. “When you run that fast for that long, I think-a-your legs start to give out. Pace-a-yourself, Sonic! Then you’ll have more energy to practice your hammer throw! Wahoo!”

Mario continued to make concessions for Sonic’s inability to outperform him in any task, including downplaying reports of his poor performance in bed; stating that it’s a testament to his impressive speed that he’s able to finish that quickly.

Nine-Year-Old Uses Fake ID to Purchase E10+ Game

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

Evansville, IN – Police are asking for help tracking down a delinquent nine-year-old who used a fake ID to purchase a game rated for individuals older than her.

The child, Susie Tribonni, has a warrant out for her arrest after she managed to buy a copy of Pikmin 4 using what looked like a state-issued ID that claimed she was 11 years of age.

“I knew somethin’ was fishy about that kid,” claimed Michael Stuglolz, the unfortunate GameStop employee who waited on Tribonni. “Like, I could tell she was uneasy, but I didn’t really have a leg to stand on; she was a young kid, and I thought she had the proper identification. Just goes to show that you can never trust someone these days, even kids buying friggin’ video games.”

Stuglolz was questioned by officer Mick Noltee, a 15-year veteran of the Evansville Police Department, who said he’s had to deal with offenses like this more frequently in the past few years.

“It’s honestly sad to see” explained Noltee, who said the community had changed quite a bit since he first started on the force. “Kids these days are becoming criminal masterminds before they’ve even left kindergarten. Any youngster can go online and find ten different YouTube clips that show how to make fake I.D.s, and it looks like that’s what happened here.

“Tribonni broke the law because she wasn’t properly taught that a fantasy sci-fi adventure game where you control herds of sapient aliens that carry out tasks for you is too much for anyone under the age of ten to understand. Once we find her, we’ll be sure she learns that lesson.”

As of press time, Tribonni was still at large, and police are warning the public that she could be armed with a copy of Sonic Frontiers.