EA Announces New Multiplayer Sims Experience Called “Going Outside”

Posted on by Myles Conlon

REDWOOD CITY, Calif — During EA’s Investor Day event, EA has unveiled a new multiplayer expansion to The Sims 4 in the works titled “Going Outside” which has led to varying reactions among fans of the series.

“I, much like many long-time Sims fans, was really excited to give this a try. But I can’t begin to understand what EA thought upping the difficulty for any and all social interactions out of nowhere,” said Morty Goth on the Sims subreddit. “I mean I have yet to have a single flirt interaction that actually succeeds. Not to mention the rather severe failure penalty that occasionally comes with trying to flirt that can disable your game altogether with the pepper sprayed status.”

Other fans also voiced complaints due to cheats being locked behind whatever family they chose to start in with even further restrictions following that if they wish to maintain that playstyle.

“I was completely locked out of any cheats unless I chose to start in a wealthy family. Even if you do pick the richer families to spawn into, while you may have access to cheats, you get stuck with either being named after your parents or something that I assume is a glitch cause there’s no way any human would name a child something this weird,” according to a player going by ʞ𝓎🅻Ꮛ 爪ʊⓢ𝕜.”Plus you also get locked out of transgender and gay options unless you give up all benefits you had from your origin, making this extremely limited for certain playthroughs.”

Meanwhile, while fans have had a less than positive reaction to this new experience, EA’s CEO Andrew Wilson has come forward to issue a statement on the expansion and its development.

“We understand that many fans have concerns with how quickly we may have pushed this expansion. However, we do want to state that this development cycle was done to get a product out to our consumers as quickly as possible at the cheapest price point possible,” said Wilson. “We wanted this to be developed as cheaply as possible so we did not need to burden our fans any more than necessary with recuperating any development costs. All with the idea that they could easily and cheaply jump right into this fresh new experience we’ve created for them”

Following the release of The Sims: Going Outside EA has announced an annual subscription fee players will be required to pay by the in-game month of April due to a partnership between EA and TurboTax.

“Senate Floor” Idle Game Lets Players Tap Screen to Fund Genocide in Gaza

Posted on by Jacques Mouledoux

ALEXANDRIA, Va — Great news for mobile gamers who want to step into the hallowed halls of the United States Capitol and act like a senator. A new idle game called Senate Floor lets players tap their screens to fund genocide in Gaza.

Early reviews have praised the immersive way “Senate Floor” incorporates its story into the game’s mechanics.

“Much like the way United States senators sit in comfy chairs as they sign bills that enable Israel to decapitate Palestinian children halfway across the globe, players can tap their screens to fund war crimes from their own couches,” wrote mobile game critic Jeffery Cassidy in their 10/10 review.

And according to the game’s website, the controls are easy-breezy.

“Want to condemn Hamas? Tap the screen! Want to make a vague speech about hostages? Tap the screen! Want to hand eighteen billion dollars to a foreign power with a history of cruelty unmatched in modern history? You know what to tap!”

According to critics, the game is the first game of its kind to truly make players feel like an actual member of the United States government.

“Becoming a United States senator famously takes years of hard work. But thanks to Senate Floor, mobile gamers who want that special senatorial feeling of enabling Israel to purposely bomb schools and hospitals can do so for only five dollars. That’s money well-spent for any player who has ever dreamed of being completely responsible for the deaths of innocent people yet somehow able to sleep at night,” wrote Cassidy

The only complaint reviewers have made is that the game is a little too easy.

“We’ve tried and it seems there’s no way to lose the game,” the Kotaku review lamented. “Any time the player starts to run low on cash, they immediately receive millions of dollars in in-game money from AIPAC, the American Israel Public Affairs Committee. And even if you don’t tap the screen, AIPAC runs ads in your home state that exploit Americans’ deep-seeded anti-Muslim racism so that you win the election and can get back to funding more war crimes.”

The game’s developers have said they considered making an option where the player can stand up to their fellow senators and refuse to be a willing accomplice in Israel’s genocidal war against Palestine, but they ultimately found it too unrealistic.

Jason Schreier Wrote a Book About Blizzard, But Does Not Have A Panacea With Which to Fix The Games Industry’s Woes

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

Jason Schreier is a journalist who writes about the games industry for Bloomberg, the author of three books: Blood, Sweat, and Pixels: The Triumphant, Turbulent Stories Behind How Video Games Are Made, Press Reset: Ruin and Recovery in the Video Game Industry, and his latest, Play Nice: The Rise, Fall, and Future Of Blizzard Entertainment which released on October 8th of this year. Schreier spoke with Minus World about the challenge of writing a book that spans the length of a legendary developer like Blizzard, the industry at large, and more.

Minus World: What’s the game that you’ve enjoyed the most this year?

Jason Schreier: I want to say Rebirth(Final Fantasy VII Rebirth), but there are a few contenders. Rebirth, Animal Well, Balatro, and there’s one game I’m playing right now that I’m only like 10-ish hours in, but it might wind up being my game of the year. Metaphor: ReFantazio, I’m playing that right now for review and it is awesome. I love it. It’s like fantasy Persona. It rules.

MW: What’s the origin story for you wanting to write this book?

Schreier: I started working on this a couple months before the release of my last book, Press Reset. So around the spring of 2021 is when I started formulating the idea, and I sent an email to my editor and my agent being like, “Hey, this is what I want to do next.” To which they said, “Yeah, that sounds awesome.” After Press Reset and Blood, Sweat, and Pixels, my last two books, they were both anthology stories, compilations of different kinds of stories, I wanted to do a book that was one big story, and there are a lot of ways you can go about that if you’re covering the video game industry: you could look into a specific company, you could look into a specific person, whatever it is. And what really triggered this particular book for me was thinking about looking back at what started happening in like 2017, 2018. Which is when Activision, the corporate parent of Blizzard, really started getting involved in Blizzard’s operations in a way that stood out to me, and I was reporting on it a little bit at the time. Mike Morheim, who was the co-founder of the company and CEO of Blizzard for a long time, he stepped down kind of without saying why. And I thought, “There’s a bigger story here.” It also helped that I was a big fan of Blizzard growing up. I played a ton of Warcraft II and StarCraft and Diablo II. I was very familiar with the games, but in general, just being a fan of a company or a game is not enough for me to want to spend my time writing a book about it or or really researching it extensively. There has to be an interesting story there. And the more I started looking at people and doing research, the more I realized that not only was this Activision saga fascinating, there’s also all sorts of wild details, some of which have been reported, some of which haven’t, not all of which have been gathered and compiled into one coherent narrative. That led to me being like, “Yeah, man, this is a book.” and then a few months later, the California lawsuit hit. California sued Activision Blizzard for sexual harassment and misconduct. I said, “Oh my God, talk about a twist to the saga.I can’t believe that this happened, that all these women were feeling this way.” It was wild. And then Microsoft bought them, and it was just one thing after another as I was diving into the book. It was quite a saga.

MW: Even on a surface level that’s compelling stuff, right? You have this studio who’s wildly influential and then gradually becomes integrated more and more into this stiff corporate culture. And then you find out, well, maybe things weren’t always as good there as we thought they might have been, even before Activision got their tendrils into the upper management.

Schreier: Yeah, 100%. When I’m doing nonfiction, I’m doing reporting and journalism. I don’t really believe in heroes and villains. I believe in people with different ethos and ways they look at the world and complexities, and I think that it’s a much more interesting story when it isn’t good guy Blizzard against bad guy Activision. And it’s kind of like, “Hey, even though a lot of people love Blizzard and love their philosophies in many ways. And the way that they make games and many of the hits and franchises they made, there was some rot here too”. And it’s worth talking about that. Maybe when Activision came in and they said, “Hey, we should change some things here”. Maybe they weren’t all wrong. Maybe they were wrong in some ways, but not others. So, what I tried to do with the book is explore that nuance and complexity and paint a picture that isn’t just good versus evil

MW: I think you do a good job of that, because you read about people who have no background in games that were just friends with Bobby Kotick. Or people from Honeywell or places where they have no frame of reference for the products that they’re going to be working on, but they have this particular skill that they’re looking to exploit to grow untapped revenue streams or something, that’s what seems to be a running theme.

Schreier: Yeah, but it’s interesting and I think something worth noting. There was always this tension from the very beginning way before Activision stepped in, there was this tension between Blizzard, a company run by gamers, and companies that were run by non-gamers where people didn’t care about games. I think there’s something really interesting there, and I know it’s just a little thing, but there’s a moment early on in the book when Blizzard North is negotiating a deal, –Blizzard North is another company also run by gamers and not businesspeople, not suits– And they negotiate a deal, and they wind up signing what David Brevik, the president of the company, calls like the worst contract in the history of contracts. And part of that is because they didn’t have a suit. And sometimes the suits actually know what they’re doing. Sometimes you need a suit or a suit’s ethos and their experience. Throughout the book, I try to make it clear that there isn’t one side that’s right and one side that’s wrong. There are a lot of different perspectives and ways you could go about this, but they’re also extremes. This is a story of extremes. I think that people will read Bobby Kotick’s philosophy about how to run a gaming business and what he calls “exploiting franchises”, and most people who play games are like, “Oh my God, not every franchise needs to be released every single year, this is enough already”.

MW: When the line must go up.

Schreier : Right, the predictability needs to be there. I think just looking at that kind of dichotomy, it’s really incredible that Blizzard and Activision wound up smushed together because they really couldn’t be more opposite.

MW: Do you think when Blizzard was in the process of merging with Activision that Bobby Kotick had a long-term plan that they would be able to erode enough of the culture at Blizzard to make it mesh better with Activision? Because a key point of the merger was that Blizzard would retain their autonomy even though they have this parent company. And for a long time that was true and then they fumbled. Do you feel like they were just waiting for something like that to happen because this industry is so unpredictable, and you can put out a good product and still have it fail?

Schreier: No, I don’t think Bobby Kotick thinks like that. I think he saw Blizzard as this incredible company because they had WoW which was growing, and growing more every single year. They had other franchises that seemed at the time to be ripe for what he would call exploiting in StarCraft and Diablo, they had a lot of hits. I think he would have been thrilled if they were transformed into a WoW company and released a new WoW expansion every year. He would have loved that. I don’t think it was his goal to erode Blizzard’s culture back then because things were moving pretty well.

I think Titan changed a lot of things for the company and changed a lot about the way that Bobby looked at them, and his view of whether they were actually successful. Because when you have something like Titan, and remember it was an early, early concept when the Activision Blizzard merger happened and it was promised internally to investors and shareholders, executives, and boards of directors as Blizzard’s next big thing. The spiritual successor to WoW, and the next big thing that was going to make them all tons of money. And so, for someone like Bobby Kotick to have that promise and then for it to fall apart and not be managed well I think felt like a big blow, and a big shattering of trust. It’s like, “Hey, what’s going on? We need to get some adults in the room over here.” I think part of Blizzard’s charm, the reason they were able to thrive for so long is because no matter what their corporate parent was, and they went through a lot of corporate parents, Mike Morheim and his team were able to say, “Look, if you leave us alone, and let us slip a few times we will deliver hits.”, and for a long time that was true. It was just non-stop hits, culminating in World of Warcraft, which is the biggest hit of all, possibly the most lucrative game ever. Certainly, one of them. I think that’s when that changes, when you can’t say, “Leave us alone and we’ll make you hits”. I think that’s what triggered Bobby Kotick and his crew to want to make changes. So, no, I don’t think he wanted to make changes just for the sake of making changes.

MW: Blizzard is a big company with a storied history. Did you ever suffer from your own version of scope creep with this book in terms of the things that you were trying to cover?

Schreier: Yeah, the first draft I wrote is much, much bigger than this one. There’s a lot you could get into, and you could really get bogged down in the details when talking about 33 years of company history. Countless mega franchises and games and many, many thousands of people, each with their own stories. So a book that was trying to be the definitive Blizzard book could be millions of words long, but nobody would want to read that. I definitely had to have some discipline. And I was fortunate enough to have a fantastic editor and my book publisher who helped me make cuts and kill my darlings and make sure that only the absolute essential storytelling was left in this thing. That’s kind of inevitable with a project like this. You wind up with a lot more material than you actually use.

MW: Is there any chance of putting out excerpts or anything like that, or is this all we’re going to get?
Schreier: Maybe. I don’t think that there’s some incredible story that I didn’t wind up including the book that I could put somewhere else. Because for the most part what I cut from the book is more granular stuff, development details that maybe like harcore fans might find interesting, but not everybody is going to want to read.

MW: Maybe for the director’s cut.

Schreier: Yeah, right. The paperback version.

MW: Do you think it’s possible for a company to grow as large as Blizzard and not lose some of the more positive aspects of its cultural foundation?

Schreier: What you just asked is the thesis statement of the entire book, I think. I don’t know. My gut says no.

MW: I think I agree with that. When something balloons and size and the people who were responsible for implementing the culture, they can’t have eyes everywhere, all the time, right?

Schreier: Yeah, you lose something when you get to the point, I think, as a company where not everybody can be in the same room. I think things change a little bit for you if you’re the founder of a company or the CEO of a company if you don’t know everybody’s names, that’s a different environment than it is at a company where you know every single person who works for you. I think that can be good and bad, but it certainly changes you. And there’s no way to avoid that.

MW: And all the time you’ve been writing about the games industry and for as long as I’ve followed your reporting, it seems like you’re telling different versions of the same story. What do you think it’s going to take for a radical change in the way games are made and how the people who make them are treated?
Schreier: I don’t know. If I had the answer to that I would be a consultant making millions of dollars.

MW: I was curious because you’ve made a career out of talking to developers and reporting on inside the industry and the inner machinations of these places. Do you think the AAA system is just inherently broken? Because it seems they’re only getting more expensive, they get bigger, and more of them launch and fail. Look at something like Concorde that millions of dollars went into and it wasn’t even given two weeks before it was yanked off of the storefront, and that work, it’s just gone now. Maybe forever. Do you feel like we’re getting close to a tipping point where maybe these companies try to rethink the way that they monetize these games and try to make it more predictable? Because it seems like whatever they’re trying now isn’t working for a lot of people.

Schreier: It’s interesting. I think looking at this book, it’ll be really interesting to see what people think because there are a lot of games that are documented in this book and each of them has its own unique story and its own unique challenges that it went through. Some certainly healthier and less protracted than others. But even looking back when the really beloved core Blizzard games were made like Diablo, Diablo II, WarCraft, StarCraft. Those games are the product of 90s crunch for a lot of people, and that was brutal. And I think the crunch has gotten better, but the problems have emerged in other ways. Nowadays you have other issues. While at Blizzard there were issues of sexual discrimination and misconduct as well, depending on the team you were on, depending on the department you were in. Other issues have emerged since that crazy 90s crunch era.You have bigger team sizes which create other logistical challenges. The challenges, they’ve all changed, but they’re still there.

MW: It’s still a miracle that any game exists.

Schreier: Yeah, it really is. And it’s not like I’m not trying to be elusive and be like, “Ah, I know the answer, but I’m not giving it to you.”

MW: Dammit, Schreier!

Schreier: Yeah, right. I’m hiding it from you. Hiding the big secret. My panacea for the industry’s woes. I’m keeping it away from you. No, I really don’t know. It’s not something that I am really in a position to answer. Because I tell stories and talk to people and report on things. I don’t really propose solutions that often. Occasionally, I’ll talk about unionization. Press Reset, my last book, had some proposed solutions to some of the issues that were covered in that book. But it’s not like I think unionization is suddenly going to solve everybody’s problems. So, no, I don’t really have an answer and I feel like it’s much more to shed a light on problems and tell stories and inform and hopefully entertain people as well more so than to “fix” the video game industry.

MW: Don’t you ever get tired of being such a bummer?

Schreier: You think this book is a bummer?

MW: The book is great. I’m referring more to some of your reporting at large. It seems like whenever something bad happens in the industry it’s, “Oh, Jason Screier broke this over at Bloomberg.”

Schreier: No, I mean, I think anyone who follows my weekly newsletter at Bloomberg sees a pretty healthy mix of positive and negative industry stories, I would say.

MW: I just had to razz you a little bit.

Schreier: That’s OK. I think it’s a fair question.

MW: And finally, like I said, I’ve been following you for a long time and remember when you tweeted that you were going to be teaching your daughter to play Bloodborne. So I was wondering if she’s platinumed it yet.

Schreier: She has not, but that’s because Sony won’t remaster it.

MW: I was going to ask if she was waiting for the remaster.

Schreier: The thing about my daughter, she’s about to turn five, and she’s a bit of a frame rate snob. I showed her Bloodborne at two, two and a half and she was like, “Daddy, I can’t play this unless it’s 60 frames a second. Like what is this? Why would you expect me to play this choppy game with such terrible performance?” And I was like, “Look, I get it, sweetie.”

MW: You’re raising a frame snob.

Schreier: Right. And so she started a Reddit account, and she’s been just posting constantly on every single r/games post. She’s just been posting, “Bloodborne remaster when?”, and just waiting for the day to come, and then maybe she’ll be able to platinum it.

MW: Is there anything else you’d like to plug here at the end of our chat?

Schreier: Well, people can listen to the audiobook of Play Nice as they’re playing games such as World of Warcraft. We’re releasing an audio book on the same day as the hardcover and digital. Read by Ray Chase, the voice of Noctis from Final Fantasy XV. Everyone should also go listen to Triple Click, Triple Click rules.

 

Cops Who Shot Blade Relieved To Find Out He Was Also Vampire

Posted on by Travis Tack

LOS ANGELES — Two veteran officers were incredibly relieved last night when they discovered that the unarmed black man they opened fire on was actually a vampire.

“At first, I just thought he was a black guy with bad teeth. And I got really worried after I shot him because the governor specifically told us not to shoot any more black guys.” explained Officer Randal Dennison. “I knew something was wrong when the first two shots didn’t take him down. but I’m not just going to stab some black guy with a wooden stake on the off-chance he’s a vampire.”

The officers say the individual lunged at them with the incredible speed you can only find in a black vampire. Now they just need to convince Internal Affairs that it really was a vampire.

“I’m going to need more proof, because people have used that excuse before,” Internal Affairs agent Mike Gordon declared. “It’s always ‘he was acting erratic’ or ‘I thought he had a gun’ or ‘that black guy was a werewolf’. Then we check the body cam footage, and guess what? It’s almost never a werewolf. In the last month, we had cops say they shot two Frankensteins, one Jason, and a Chupacabra. Guy’s trying to tell me the Chupacabra was going for his gun. Now why would a Chupacabra need a gun?”

County coroner Dr. Philip Shastal, confirmed that his autopsy findings also concluded that the almost victim was indeed a vampire.

“We’re conducting further tests, but at this stage I’m pretty confident he’s a vampire. For one thing, he woke up halfway through the autopsy,” Dr Shastal told reporters. “Pretty cool, if you ask me! He looked like a better version of that guy from True Detective Season 3. Plus, his body was immaculate. No stress lines on his face and he didn’t have a single wrinkle. I’d guess he hadn’t paid taxes a single day in his life.”

At press time, the department is continuing their investigation and the officers are on desk duty and strictly limited to day-shifts.

Streaming Services Ranked by Whether They Can Legally Kill You

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

In the capitalist hellscape in which we live, it often seems that we’re spoiled for choice more than ever; there are so many options for us to pick from nowadays. From grocery stores to makeup brands, how are we to know which choice is best for us in this cruel, cruel world? And when we just want a break from it all to stop the voices in our heads, how can we possibly be expected to sift through all of the endless apps to find the best TV show to watch? Won’t someone just put us out of our misery already? If any of this sounds relatable, don’t worry, because we’ve ranked different streaming services by one important metric: whether or not they are legally allowed to kill you.

9. Paramount+

Paramount+ is so not allowed to kill you it’s crazy. First of all, they just don’t have the sauce. Their fingers are trembling on that trigger, and if anything happened to one of their subscribers, they’d fold immediately and have their lawyers give the next of kin whatever they want. You think Paramount+ is making headlines over controversial deaths? Paramount+? The company that owns Spongebob and wants you to watch one of their ten Yellowstone spinoffs, for Pete’s sake. No, Paramount is definitely not allowed to do anything to anyone, least of all kill them.

8. Peacock

Peacock faces a similar issue to Paramount here: it’s lame. Now, NBCUniversal is a mega-corporation, it’s true, but we are talking about the company with Jimmy Fallon and his lip-sync battles as its face. There’s no edge factor whatsoever, just Steve Carrell’s smiling face when you click on The Office for the umteenth time, a bunch of old episodes of SNL and reboots of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. If anything happened to one of their loyal customers, they would immediately be on their knees apologizing in public, because they need those sweet, sweet subscriber numbers, baby.

7. Max

Warner Brothers is absolutely ready, willing and able to kill any of their subscribers that David Zaslav wants. They already routinely kill their own movies and shows and even the famous and iconic HBO branding. If your death could give them a tax credit you would already be dead but it can’t so they won’t. With no financial incentive to kill you, it would actually cost them money to murder you and if there’s one thing David Zaslav would never do, it’s spend money.

6. Apple TV+

Apple is such a powerful corporation that they could kill all of their subscribers, advertise the fact that they did and face zero consequences from anybody. Not the government and not from the people who absolutely have to buy the new iPhone even though they just bought one a year ago and the only meaningful change is a slightly better camera and some feature that was removed to sell you an overpriced accessory. They aren’t going to kill any of their subscribers though because Apple TV+ subscribers are the only ones doing any marketing of the things available to watch on Apple TV+. A dead subscriber is one less person to tell their friends about the Gary Oldman show no one has heard of that is somehow in its fourth season.

5. Netflix

One might think that Netflix, as the literal godfather of the streaming landscape and still one of its most popular, might reserve the right to straight-up kill you at any time. But here’s the thing: they’re scared right now. They just had the audacity to not only put the crackdown on password sharing, but they’re also trying to push their ad-tier onto the sweet, innocent American public. If they were allowed to kill you on top of all that? There’d be riots in the streets, baby, you’d better believe it. Netflix, you’re on thin ice, but I just don’t see “killer” in your eyes.

4. Amazon Prime Video

Ok, now we’re getting into “kill” territory. Amazon, one of the most evil entities of all time, with Jeff freaking Bezos as its founder, does not really give two shits about you or yours. They force their factory workers to piss in water bottles, you think they care one bit if you drop dead at this very moment? Hell, back in January, they automatically opted everyone into their ad-supported tier and said “if you don’t like it, then pay even more, loser.” They’re the school bully who demands you give them your lunch money and then gives you a wedgie anyway just for the fun of it. The only thing holding them back from killing you is that their image has already been raked through the mud a good few times at this point and they’re one of the biggest contributors to everything being the way it is right now. But don’t get it twisted, they’d do it if they could.

3. Hulu

Finally, we’ve arrived at some of the big boys. Hulu is owned by They Who Shall Not Be Named, and are essentially the hitman for anything the Mouse doesn’t want to do itself. They’re the ones who go in with a clean dagger and come out with a clean dagger and a red rag. They could kill you so quickly you’d never see it coming, but there’s one problem: they don’t have the same rep as their boss. If Hulu’s crimes ever saw the light of day, even their one-million-ads-per-episode wouldn’t be able to save them and the Big D would lose them like airport luggage. But even being in proximity to The Don gives you a certain amount of sweet, sweet power.

2. Disney+

Now we’re talkin’. Here’s a cold-blooded, merciless, slit-your-throat-and-attend-your-funeral killer. Disney+. If you don’t want to be killed, then you should read the fine print! It’s right there in the contract when you signed up to watch Ratatouille! It’s not their fault if you die after eating at one of their theme park restaurants, you wanted the Disney experience, didn’t you, you little piggy? Didn’t you sign up for our streaming package? That’s right, you wanted those sweet movies and shows from Uncle Mickey, and they are to-die for, literally. Sure, they can backpedal in public to save face, but deep down, they’re sure they would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling journalists. Disney is so powerful that they’re one of the biggest corporate monopolies on the planet, and as such, they’re allowed to basically do whatever the hell they want whenever the hell they want. That’s America, baby. That’s exactly what capitalism is all about. And if you die in the process, they’ll build a new Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on top of your grave.

1. Tubi

Owned by Fox. Enough said.

New Grounded Take on Batman to Feature Billionaire Bruce Wayne Not Helping Anyone

Posted on by Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES — The next film in the Batman franchise will be a grounded take that features Bruce Wayne deciding to not use his billions to help anyone, sources confirm.

“We looked at the world and thought, a billionaire thinking of others? No one is gonna buy that,” said Matt Reeves, writer/director of 2022’s The Batman and its upcoming sequel. “I realized early on that a crocodile man or a guy with a freeze ray are things that an audience can suspend their belief about. Bruce Wayne not spending his time hoarding wealth at the expense of the most vulnerable Gotham citizens however was never going to fly.”

The movie’s new direction, while realistic, has alienated some fans. 

“It’s not really a Batman movie if he’s not Batman,” said Bob Shepard, who much preferred when Batman’s wealth was a fun element rather than a grim reminder of the iron grip of capitalism upon our throats. “I get it, it’s weird to see a billionaire thinking of others, but that’s the escapism of cinema. For two hours we can pretend that the world wouldn’t be a better place if we lined all the billionaires up and shot them, and instead make believe that they could be capable of altruism or even empathy.”

Warner Bros. Pictures, the studio behind the new movie, issued a statement through their Twitter account.

“Warner Bros. can sympathize with audiences,” read the statement. “As a studio run by an unscrupulous aspiring billionaire who seems more likely to delete a movie at the behest of the shareholders than release anything, we can see why audiences would rather help others than, say, buy a social media site, fill it with Nazis, then tweet cringe 60 times a day.”

As a counterpoint to the more grounded Batman, Warner Bros. are also looking to make a Lex Luthor movie spotlighting the importance of rich people in society and their fight against illegal aliens.

Every Festival in Stardew Valley Ranked by How Good of an Excuse It Would Be to Cancel Real Life Plans

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

If you’re anything like my wife, you’ve spent more time playing “Stardew Valley” in the last few years than you have sleeping. Also, you love me unconditionally. I get it—the game requires a strong commitment. Farming, mining, and building relationships all take a lot of time and effort. The deeper you immerse yourself in Pelican Town, the more rewarding the game becomes—but there is a cost. It will slowly dominate your waking hours, leaving precious little time for anything else, including your actual social life. Luckily, the game’s Festival events provide you a list of built-in excuses to get out of your IRL obligations so you can spend the rest of your days on the farm. Check out the list below to see which ones will be easiest to use.

Stardew Valley Fair

Unfortunately, this one is too obvious. Even if your friends and family don’t immediately clock that “Stardew Valley” is that video game that you’re playing all the time, they’re sure to ask you where it is and why they’ve never heard of it. I’m sorry to say, you’re not going to Stardew Valley Fair, no matter what herbs or true loves are there.

Festival of Ice

Come on. This sounds like something you came up with off the top of your head. “I’m sorry, Amanda, I can’t come to your baby shower. I’ve already got my tickets to the, uh, Festival of…Ice. Yeah. I got really into cold stuff during the lockdown.” She’s not gonna buy it.

Dance of the Moonlight Jellies

This one has the exact opposite problem: it’s too fanciful. Even if they somehow believe you, they’re gonna have questions. And, unless you want to recite a scene from Wes Anderson’s 2004 film “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou,” nearly verbatim, you’re not gonna have satisfying answers.

Desert Festival

Do you really think your mom is gonna be okay with you missing Mother’s Day brunch because you’re going to a Wish.com version of Burning Man? And, no, telling her that you’ve got a good feeling about Escar-go and that you’ll be rolling in Calico Eggs soon will not placate her.

Feast of the Winter Star

People get pretty touchy about winter holidays. Even if they don’t celebrate Christmas, they’re definitely gonna roll their eyes when you say this. If they’re over 50, it’ll be the subject of their next Facebook post. Don’t mention the “secret gift-giving” unless you want them to get indignant about how, “You’re not even allowed to say ‘Secret Santa’ anymore.”

Egg Festival

This one might seem like a no-brainer since it’s so close to “Easter” or “Egg Hunt,” and sure, you’ll be able to slip it past some less attentive folks. Eventually, though, someone’s gonna ask why you keep saying it like that. Plus, what if they find out that you’re the only adult competing in the actual egg hunt?

Night Market

This is a totally believable excuse for most obsessive “Stardew Valley” players. The only flaw is that it sounds cool enough that some people might ask if they can tag along, especially once you bring up the Mermaid Boat. Hey, if they seem cool, you can always start a co-op save.

Luau

Unless you actually have an actual connection to Hawaiian culture, this is cheesy enough that people will buy it and not ask any questions. If you are Hawaiian, do not use this excuse. You will end up being peer pressured into roasting a pig for a bunch of white people in paper grass skirts and plastic lei, which will take away a lot of time from your virtual farming. And yes, they’ll probably invite the governor.

Spirit’s Eve

Unlike Christmas-adjacent pagan holidays, no one will bat an eye at an alternative Halloween. Just try not to make it sound too cool.

SquidFest

This one is the perfect balance of sounding like a real seafood-related event while also being just gross enough to deter further inquiries.

Flower Dance

Your friends will assume this is a fun springtime frolic, but they’ll have just enough fear of a Midsommar-type situation to not want any further involvement. Boom—now you’re free to completely fail to woo your favorite NPC.

Trout Derby

Listen, if the, “We’ve got weights in fish!” situation has taught us anything, it’s that fishing derbies are deadly serious. If you tell your brother that you can’t make it to his wife’s funeral because you’ve got a derby, he will nod at you with a grim countenance of recognition, say that he completely understands, and wish you luck. Willy would be proud.

“Dune: Prophecy” Series Dares to Ask “What if You Understood Even Less of This?”

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

BUDAPEST, Hungary — The philosophical question at the center of the upcoming prequel series to the critically-acclaimed “Dune” films will reportedly be “What if general audiences understood even less about this franchise?” according to sources familiar with the matter. 

“I’ve always loved Dune, and I’m a big believer in the ‘show, don’t tell’ principle when it comes to storytelling,” showrunner Alison Schapker said in a statement. “To that end, we endeavored to really confuse audiences as much as possible with this one by showing a ton of bizarre stuff and telling them absolutely nothing. Just have the Bene Gesserit cryptically scheme and use the Voice and do a bunch of witchy shit, to the point where the audience is like, ‘I’m not even sure what’s happening here,’ y’know?” 

The director of “Dune” and “Dune: Part 2”, Denis Villeneuve, expressed his enthusiasm for the project.

“It is so rewarding for me to see people reacting positively to this world we’ve created,” said Villeneuve. “And as a director, I am confident that the cast and crew of this has gotten to the essence of what I am trying to do with my films: have people all over the world saying ‘wait, what?’ After two entries in the main ‘Dune’ film series, it’s important to create as many spinoffs in as many different in-universe time periods as possible, just to make sure audiences are kept on their toes and have to keep pausing to ask their family members, ‘What the fuck was that all about?’”

Brian Herbert, son of Dune author Frank Herbert, executive producer on the series and noted hack, is also excited for the series’ premiere.

“Am I worried people won’t understand it? Shit, I don’t care. I’m gonna make hand over fist on this. Way more than I ever did for those books, anyway,” said Herbert. “As long as they don’t answer any of the burning questions from the movies, like ‘How could they possibly influence generations of reproduction between the powerful Houses of the universe?’ and raise even more questions, like, ‘What the hell is Mark Strong doing here?’ then I think fans of my work will get exactly what they’re looking for.”

At press time, the writers’ room was observed hurriedly adding ten more references to the gom jabbar, the Golden Path, and the Kwisatz Haderach per episode.

Kevin Smith Breaks Down His Top 100 Movies for Random Guy Behind Him at the Bank

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SHREWSBURY, N.J. — A routine visit to the bank took a horrifying turn for local resident, Ryan Peterson, when he found himself in the cinematic crossfire of seminal New Jersey director Kevin Smith’s impromptu movie ranking marathon, patrons at the bank report.

“One minute, I’m zoning out, and the next, some dude in jorts is talking about how at least we’re not in ‘Dog Day Afternoon.’ I casually told him I’d never seen it and he just snaps, suddenly he’s ranting at me about cinema,” Peterson stated to authorities. “He just wouldn’t stop. It was barely 10:30 in the morning and I’m being assaulted with names like ‘A Man For All Seasons,’ ‘Do The Right Thing,’ and ‘The Last Temptation of Christ!’ Finally I lied to him and told him I’d seen ‘Jaws’ because I was afraid he’d hit me if I said I hadn’t.”

Smith, seemingly unaware of any social cues, couldn’t comprehend that Peterson, “isn’t really a movie guy.”

“Yeah, so I just need to deposit this—oh, did I ever mention how ‘Star Wars’ didn’t just redefine the science-fiction, but it was really George Lucas borrowing from the brilliance of Japanese filmmakers like Kurosawa?” Smith launched in, his voice adopting the gravitas of an underappreciated film professor. “I mean, people talk about ‘Star Wars’ being revolutionary, but without ‘The Hidden Fortress,’ there’s no galaxy far, far away. It’s all there—the framing, the narrative structure. Lucas basically lifted the soul of samurai cinema and dropped it into space. It’s genius, but, like, derivative genius, American genius… Anyway, where was I? Oh right, Wim Wenders’ ‘Paris, Texas…’”

Not everyone was baffled by the impromptu spoken word session, though. Smith’s fan base runs deep, and one diehard devotee was, apparently, very jealous of Peterson’s encounter.

“That guy has no idea how lucky he is. The dude basically got a solo show!,” said grinning superfan, Tony DeLuca, who had Peterson repeat the entire exchange back to him. “Kevin doesn’t just do this for anyone. I’ve paid for that honor. I’m dying to know what [Smith] thinks of ‘Joker: Folie à Deux,’ or even just the trailer for that new Bong Joon Ho flick that just came out.”

As of this afternoon, Smith had finally made his way to the teller, where she was treated to an oration explaining why he never directed a superhero movie. “I could’ve, man, I really could’ve, but, like, Batman? Too much baggage, Hollywood already screwed it up too much. Now Swamp Thing? That’s a character I could’ve done justice to, but he’s not bankable…”

30 Lines From “Kung Pow!” You Should Quote to Nail That Job Interview

Posted on by Sidney Conant

If you’re anything like me, then there are fewer things scarier in your life than the thought of stumbling over your words at a job interview. There just aren’t enough hours in the day to come up with your own answers for all the questions that corporate overlords will throw at you. There are, however, enough hours in the day to memorize director Steve Oedekerk’s infinitely quotable film Kung Pow! Enter the Fist word-for-word and utilize the script to your own advantage. Below is a curated list of 30 lines from Kung Pow! that are applicable to almost every kind of job and pre-employment situation out there, and are guaranteed to help you nail that interview. 

1. “Your days are over, mister.”

Training new recruits can be expensive work, so let the hiring manager know early on that you’ve already mastered everything listed in the job description. Saunter up to the guy you’ll be replacing and speak these words to his face and you can probably just take his desk.

2. “If you girls are done kissing, I’ve got some ass-kicking for you!”

We’ve all been there: you get an interview at the local game store and the newlywed owners decide to give each other’s tonsils a good taste while you boot up the store’s copy of Melee. You know that if you win, then you get the gig. Use this line to express your enthusiasm for the opportunity, and you’ll be signing the paperwork the same day. Don’t forget to use your main.   

3. “Take a close look—’cuz I rule, baby!”

People love charisma, and management folk are also people, kinda. This line is your ace in the hole.

4. “Go get some snacks. Perhaps a car-bo-na-ted so-da!”

Don’t be afraid to slide some money across the negotiation table and quote this line if you want to secure yourself in the hearts of the higher-ups. A little bribery never hurt anybody, and that cash will surely trickle back down eventually, just like Ronald Reagan said it would. 

5. “Water…everywhere! Ugh…all…over me! I’m…getting…wet!”

The lifeguard team tosses you into the deep end to test your swimming abilities? Give them the play-by-play by saying this line between strokes, and it’ll be smooth sailing guaranteed.

6. “Hmmm. My finger points.”

Police Academy is easy, but how’s the precinct interview? They take you down to the nearest  Krispy Kreme and have you pick out a couple dozen hot ones for the boys in blue, but how do you know what to pick? Simple: position yourself in front of any three donuts in the display case, and say this line. It’s that easy. Next stop: qualified immunity!

7. “I am a nice man…with happy feelings—ALL the time!”

Do these bozos really need to know about the true state of your mental health? NOPE! Tactfully use this quote to let them believe what they want to believe, and you’ll be on track to dealing with your inner turmoil from the comfort of your new cubicle.

8. “I’ve trained my whole life for this day.”

A little on the dramatic side, but you know what? Some people really vibe with that. Use this line for all sorts of jobs; it’ll get you to where you need to be.

9. “Let your anger be as a monkey in a piñata: hiding with the candy, hoping the kids don’t break through with the stick.”

I wish my therapist had used this line on me during his trial interview. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten banned from the library for throwing a book at the computer monitor when I lost everything on a bad hand of online poker. Please learn from my therapist’s mistake. 

10. “I have been called ‘bad’ before. Many have said I do things that are not…correct to do…I don’t believe in such talk as this.”

Owning up to your mistakes implies that you were ever wrong to begin with, and management only wants perfect people. Sure, the reference from your last place told these guys that you were fired for launching a third grader into a dumpster while yelling, “Kobe!” but they didn’t judge, and neither should you.

11. “Hmm…okay.”

What do you mean you don’t want to give this company eight hours of free labor for a trial shift to see if you’re “a good fit?” Be agreeable, and say this line!

12. “What in God’s name is that thing?”

The guys at Area 51 place before you the cadaver of a humanoid creature from the planet [REDACTED], approximately 230 years old, if you were a gambling man. They ask: “If the media questioned you on this specimen, what would you tell them?” They obviously want you to give the famed Air Force facility plausible deniability so as to be able to covertly continue their operations. This quote is the one they want.

13. “Take me, man meat!”

The butcher will be sure you meant “man OF meat”, but he’ll admire your A1 enthusiasm and hire you on the spot if you quote to him this dry-aged classic.

14. “Jeez, at least cover your mouth. We’re ALL going to catch it!”

Maintaining public safety guidelines is everyone’s job, and businesses will respect you taking initiative to promote everyone’s general wellbeing if you drop this line.

15. “Behold the symbols. One: over here…the other: over there.”

Tiny icons next to contact information are the latest trend in resume formatting, and while they’re pretty much universally understood, some managers out there are not yet privy to such a practice. When these managers ask you about how best to reach you, you can point at the email and cell phone icons on your resume and say this line. Everyone loves learning new things!

16. “Nyeeehhh RED clothes!”

For when you’re interviewing for Target and they’re asking you what your ideal uniform would be. Bullseye.

17. “I really like the band NSYNC. My favorite member is Harpo.”

You can tell just by looking at her that your interviewer’s a fan of America’s favorite boy band, too, and it ain’t no lie! Say this line to her and find that much-needed common ground. And seriously, who doesn’t love Harpo N. Sink?

18. “I’ll never be able to do it—ever! Don’t look at me!”

Use this line to regale the hiring team with the story of how your last supervisor reacted when you asked him: “How will you ever survive once I leave this place?” This isn’t technically burning bridges, I don’t think.

19. “N-now batting: Mike Piazza!”

It worked! The time machine you built between reruns of ESPN highlights sent you back to 2004 and now you’re being given a hands-on interview at Shea Stadium to become a broadcaster for the New York Mets. Number 31 is walking towards the plate, and if you remember this line, you’ll know exactly what to say.

20. “Wee-oh woo-oh oh-ee-oh wee-oh pee-oh ee-oh pee-oh wee!”

Pretty self explanatory. 

21. “That’ll be four bucks, baby! You want fries with that?!”

Management’s got you running the register for this part of the interview. Some guy only wants a cup of water in this awful 105 degree heat, but you know this line, and you know how to upsell. Hired.

22. “Say goodnight, floppy.”

In this group interview, the boss hands everyone a mallet and a stack of outdated data storage technology. The right man for the job can hit him with the best witty quip for the occasion. Quote this line and that man will be you.

23. “I’ll have some of whatever he’s smokin’.”

The manager of the barbeque joint wants you to try out the goods as the final step of the interview and is asking you what you’ll have. Everything that the pitmaster is working on looks so delicious, but you can’t seem to narrow your choices down. What do you tell the manager? Use this line and your questions will be answered.

24. “I am bleeding—making me the victor.”

Whoa, this interview is more like a Turing test! You and this obvious android have to prove your respective humanities, and only the human is going to get paid—good thing there’s an easy way to solve that problem! I mean, a robot wouldn’t punch himself and the face and start leaking this red stuff, would he? Didn’t think so. Quote this line to mark your triumph. 

25. “It’s Betty, you son of a pig. The name is Betty.”

Who cares what this job is for—the interviewer can’t remember the first name of the Golden Girls’ BEST girl! “Something ‘White’, maybe?” Yeah whatever, moron. Let this ignoramus know how stupid he is by quoting this line to him. 

26. “It’s impossible; you’ll never make it. Never make it. Ever make it. Never make it. Never make it. You’ll never make it—ever. Don’t you see? You can’t make it.”

Your trial shift as a health insurance representative will become infinitely easier once you start denying patients with pre-existing conditions the coverage they claim to need when they’re just going to die anyway, maybe. This line knows more than those doctors ever would.

27. “I implore you to reconsider.”

No one is above a little begging. If the boss initially picks another candidate, hit them with this line and the job will be yours.

28. “Master, I was hoping one day I could be the chosen one.”

Similar to the one above, but with like 75% more whiny little bitch energy.

29. “You killed my family. And I don’t like that kind of thing.”

You two have a history, but he doesn’t know it yet. Now that you’ve made it to the last step of the interview process at the Olive Garden he’s franchised, say this line to him before making him choke to death on a basket of bread sticks.

30. “So cute. Buh-bye!”

Whether you feel the interview went well or not, look the boss deeply in the eye and recite to him this line. His smile, his wrinkles, the way he shook your hand…he kind of reminds you of your grandfather. Just as adorable, but hopefully a little less racist. Let him know that, and you’re in the clear. And a little peck on the cheek will go a long way, too.