30 Real Life Side Quests to Avoid Advancing Your Main Storyline

Posted on by Cameron Lehr

Do you ever feel like the game of life is moving by way too quickly? Did you plow through most of the game and now they’re letting you know this is your last chance to upgrade your weapons and armor before the final battle? Or are you just starting out and looking to jack your stats by performing pointless menial tasks while the kingdom falls to ruin. Regardless of your reason, here are 30 real life side quests to avoid advancing your main storyline.

Feed the Squirrels

While in the park instead of feeling superior to the squirrels you can feed them! After several weeks of repeated feeding you can max out your squirrel bonding. Congrats! You know have a plump rodent army eager to do your bidding. 

Spare a Dollar

The Stranger on the corner asks you for a dollar. If you give him one he will ask for another. This repeats until you’ve given the stranger 247 billion USD. He will then start a space program and ruin twitter. 

Why Not Take a Break

Why not take a break? You can pause the game by pressing plus, or just head to the breakroom and play on your phone for a few minutes. Robbie says we’re supposed to punch out and punch back in if it’s longer than 20 minutes but he vapes a lot so he doesn’t really have time to enforce that.  

Write for Hard Drive

Use your gift of higher intelligence for the most noble of purposes, entertaining people on the internet. If done correctly, the editors may smile upon thee. 

Draw

A steep learning curve, but if you max out the stat people on the internet will pay you big bucks for unspeakable things. 

Poetry

Dig through the deepest parts of your soul until you’ve discovered four profound insights on the human condition. Then plug them into a little rhyme scheme and bam, you’re the voice of generation. Those who don’t praise you, will fear you. 

Test Your Free Will

Paint your nails, cut your hair, order a different sandwich at Subway. Run out into the middle of a woodland glade and twirl gleefully as you feel the first chill of fall creeping over the mountains. Do whatever you want because we told you to. 

Gamble

In a world where money can buy happiness, why not play fun little games with it? Turn your hard earned dollars into nifty little trinkets and slowly give them away to a massive corporation. You might win something, but what you’ve lost was even greater. 

Play Portal

Both one and two. They’re  really good games guys. There’s a robot and she’s like sassy, you’ll see what we mean. 

Do Your Laundry

This minigame is a classic within the household chores DLC. At first it’s a simple matching and sorting game into whites and colors. But upon completion, players unlock a second phase where the sorted clothes must enter a series of machines. After waiting the allotted time (or skipping the wait with 100 Laundry Gems) the laundry is done and the game resets for the rest of your life. 

Get a Pet

If playing the game of life by yourself hasn’t been working out and the idea of getting affection from another person sounds appalling, try buying a pet. Dog, cat, fish, whatever—it doesn’t matter. This is really more about you than it is them.

Get a Real Job

It’s easy! Just walk into the head office, look the boss in the eye and hand them your resume ON PAPER! They’ll be so impressed they’ll have no choice but to hire you. 

Go Visit Your Local Library

We got rid of that one guy, so you shouldn’t have anything to worry about anymore. 

Buy Bitcoin

It’s about time you go and see what all the fuss is about. 

Call Your Mom

You’ll never believe what Lynn next door started doing in her front yard. I really think I’m going to say something this time! She’s lowering the property values! 

Find My Purse!

Spider-Man, wait! Before you go, I lost my purse on one of the rooftops around here.

On a different rooftop? 

Yes. 

Different from this one?

 Yes. 

Are you serious? What? Are you taking some kind of tour of city rooftops?

 Yes. 

Okay, whatever, I’ll find your purse for you. 

Fishing

Experience all the beauty and majesty that nature has to offer by getting trashed in a canoe. After a few hours you can watch the life drain from a living creature’s eyes. 

Read Classic Literature

See! Every emotion you’ve ever felt has already been expressed by someone else more eloquently than you ever could. Bonus points for every dystopian novel that’s inching dangerously closer to our reality. 

Love

Finding the person you know you could spend the rest of your life with is one of the most enriching minigames life has to offer! Or you could try and find a really good sandwich, whatever feels right. 

Thrifting

Scavenging through the garbage and broken dreams of strangers can provide lots of cheap and unique customization options. For more advanced gameplay, buy broken electronics and genuinely believe you can fix them.  

Video Games

Get good enough that it’s no longer fun to play against your friends, but not so good that you can play in competitions. 

Work Out

Push your body to its physical limits. Repeat this process several times a week for the rest of your life. We can’t guarantee you’ll feel better about yourself, but you can at least make others feel worse. 

Pyramid Scheme

Recruit as many of your friends as possible to get in on the ground floor of this thriving business. Your friendship will only be deepened by the experience. 

Get Bangs

Head to your local salon with tears in your eyes and they’ll know what to do. This is guaranteed to not advance your story line at all.  

Ride the Bus

If you wait at one of these secret locations a vehicle will come and take you anywhere you want to go along a pre-designated route. Unfortunately this fast travel option is not available in most U.S. cities.  

Get Really Into IPAs

It’s not just a beverage, it’s a lifestyle. After consuming your bodyweight in India Pale Ales, your hops-widened consciousness can experience every perception the universe has to offer. Your friends will think you’re a douche though. 

Avoid Going to the Doctor

 Living with your sickness instead of treating it can make for fun and challenging gameplay. More than one of every four U.S. adults were already playing this mode in 2023 according to the CDC. 

Garden

Experience the miracle of life without all downsides of consciousness. Put some of the tomatoes you grew onto a frozen pizza. Keep telling yourself that you really do like it. 

Art School

If you’re unsure of what you want to do in life but want several thousand dollars of debt anyway, art school is a great option. Just follow your heart and the money will come…usually from your parents. 

Pick Up Litter

Equip your trash bag, gloves, and grabber, and have fun! After you’ve collected 100 pieces of litter, you can rifle through your bag and look for any items with identifying information. Once you’ve determined whose litter you’ve collected you can return it into their living room!  

Kickstarter Combines Roleplaying, Deck-Building, and Vitriolic Arguing

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

BALTIMORE — A new tabletop game on the crowdfunding site Kickstarter has nearly reached full funding due to the promise of a unique combination of popular play styles for an experience designed to destroy friendships.

“I was sick of the same mechanics that could be picked up after a few rounds with minimal confusion. So I took the concepts of alignment charts, engine building, and victory points and made them interconnected, incorporating player deception, and added mystery elements,” said Jordan Boatman, ‘Realm of Elven Spire’ creator. “We did extensive playtesting at conventions, with multiple screaming matches, overturned tables, and thrown Celsius cans. At Strategicon, a tester broke another player’s nose with a Gloomhaven box, I knew I was on to something.”

Beta testers were taken in by the complexity and the esoteric presentation.

“I’ve been playing TTRPGs for decades, I don’t need hand holding like these dilettantes who saw ‘Stranger Things’ and are just jumping in now,” said funder Harold Sommer as he dug through a plastic bin of unpainted miniatures. “I invest my time and read the guides and I do not hesitate to call out shenanigans. With Elven Spire, enforcing the rules is the game and lying is the point. I can’t wait to bring it to Hobby Game Night at the library and show those newbies what gaming really is, laughing when they try and calculate the victory points using the reverse credit system.”  

“Realm of Elven Spire” received a dubious endorsement, as a pre-release edition sparked a rift between hosts of a gaming YouTube channel. 

“We take complicated game mechanics and break them down, but we just couldn’t agree on the most basic elements of the game. Even beyond the character traits which both needed to be memorized and hidden from other players, the play style seemed to be both co-op and competitive. The card actions were unclear, both in direction and font and type color. Ryan [Lukas, co-host] insisted that these were deliberate complications for the distinguished gamer and I felt they were just the sloppy play design of a grifter” said Siobhan Hannigan, former co-host of ‘Manual Dexterity.’  “We tried to consult the manual, but it was written in character by Yohai, the Dishonest Elf, which only raised more questions. We both said things we can’t take back and we are on indefinite hiatus.”

When reached for comment, Boatman evaded questions about mods and expansions, preferring to announce his next project, a social deduction game where players have to memorize all the characters and their individual skills and lie to each other in every conversation in perpetuity.

Judge Sentences Man to 200 Hours of “League Of Legends”

Posted on by Charles Bill

AUSTIN, Texas — Judge Ellen Beatriz sentenced a man to play 200 hours of “League of Legends” in what legal scholars are calling a violation of the Eighth Amendment’s prohibition against cruel and unusual punishments.

“My lawyer was shocked when they handed down the sentence,” said convicted shoplifter Tony Asmana. “I was sort of confused. I Googled it, and it’s apparently the most popular game in the world? What could be so bad about it? I checked out a couple of streams, and I immediately realized what I was in for. If the people who play this game all day are like this, what chance do I possibly have? And they’re good at the game too. My lawyer says I should appeal the case, that way I might get the sentence reduced to prison time or Fortnite.”

Judge Beatriz is known for their particularly creative punishments and drew upon their life experience for the sentencing.

“I used to play the game, and I can’t think of anything better to teach someone a lesson,” explained Judge Beatriz. “Mr. Asmana is going to be getting an education in what happens when you break the rules of polite society: you play League of Legends. I wish him the best of luck trying to clear his jungle camps while he gets spam pinged by his teammates and told to kill himself in ways that avoid the language autodetection. Sometimes you need to use the harshest measures available to you, and it was either this or a bare bottom caning.”

Representatives for Riot Games had mixed feelings about their game being used for civic punishment.

“I swear someone actually enjoys playing this game,” said Riot co-founder and modern monster Mark Merrill. “We get like ten million players a day, are they all just playing because they’re masochistically addicted to this game? Probably, yeah. We designed the game to be fun, but less fun every time. I got the idea after I became addicted to cigarettes: what if we made cigarettes a game that was somehow worse for you than actual cigarettes? Thus, LoL was born. It’s not great PR for us that it’s being used as a legal judgment, but at least this guy might buy some horny skins.”

At press time, Asmana was already being told he needed to neck himself in the pregame lobby of his first game.

Physical Nintendo Media Ranked by How Itsy Bitsy Cutie Patootie They Are

Posted on by Garry Kerls

When it comes to physical video game media there are two main factions: Nintendo, who have redeveloped, reconfigured, and redesigned their games to function seamlessly with their unique consoles, and Sony and Microsoft, the unoriginal oligarchs who bend a knee to the almighty compact disc. With physical video games becoming relics of a bygone era, let’s take a stroll down memory lane and rank the incomparable Nintendo game hardware by how itsy bitsy cutie patootie they are. 

10. Wii

As revolutionary and record setting the Wii was, Nintendo really dropped the ball on giving the discs any sort of personality. What are groundbreaking motion controls if I have to put this boring old compact disc into the console? 0/10

9. NES

This guy is a chunkster! Look at those sharp edges! I wouldn’t want my toddler running around the living room with this thing on the coffee table. 

8. SNES

Another chunky boy straight out of Nintendo’s “Hard gray plastic” era. The aesthetic choices are reminiscent of Kit-Kats and Hersehey’s bars, Willy Wonka approved. 

7. N64

Oh baby, now we’re getting to the good stuff! Just look at that rounded top! And all those color variants! These things were so cute I had to control myself around friends and make sure I didn’t spend too much time blowing into it. 

6. Game Boy

This is like if the NES cartridge had a baby. It’s even got the same little ridges in it just like it’s Papa, how adorable! 

5. Game Boy Advance

Fun fact, the Game Boy Advance games hold the world record for things most sucked on by toddlers in the early 2000s. I swear to god, look it up in the Guiness Book of World Records. But can you really blame them? These games were just begging to be mistaken for candy so parents would have to by their kids the same games again and again, pretty genius marketing strategy if you ask me

4. GameCube

I cannot describe to you the raw, whimsical joy I felt the first time I opened the case for ‘Super Mario Sunshine.’ How can such a tiny disc hold such a big game? Why did Nintendo go small when the PS2 and original Xbox went big? I don’t know and I don’t care, I’ll take the charming little GameCube disc any day of the week!

3. Nintendo 3DS

It was a toss up at the 2 and 3 spot for this list, and unfortunately the 3DS cartridge fell behind by a nub. 

2. Nintendo DS

You’ve heard the phrase “got that dog in me,” well I have that Nintendog in me because, as a child, I swallowed the teeny tiny computer chip of a video game. The DS cartridge feels like an abuse of power. It is as if Nintendo has invented a shrink ray and only used it on floppy disks. 

1. Nintendo Switch

If Nintendo hadn’t made their intentions clear, it’s this; “Go small or go home.” Nintendo Switch cartridges have pushed the limits of video game hardware. Soon, Nintendo will produce games that have negative mass. A game made of antimatter guaranteed to be the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life!

U.S. Health Care System Announces Plan to Just Scatter Med-Kits Randomly Around Country

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

WASHINGTON — The Department of Health & Human Services announced a sweeping overhaul of the nation’s healthcare infrastructure by strategically distributing med-kits randomly scattered across the country, sources within the HHS confirm.

“We’ve reached a critical juncture in this country. The new program, titled Operation Full HP, will allow patients to locate first-aid kits in various locations, including, but not limited to, file cabinets, near trees, and under the occasional park bench,” said Deputy Health Secretary Carol Mulligan in a press conference. “Doctors and hospitals are overwhelmed, and the cost of care is astronomical. By scattering these med-kits nationwide, we’re empowering individuals to take healthcare into their own hands—literally. Imagine, you twist your ankle, and bam—there’s a med-kit conveniently hidden behind a fire hydrant.”

Patients, however, remain confused by the unconventional rollout.

“I’ve spent hours looking for one of these kits when I got a migraine last week,” said Derrick Washington, a New Jersey resident. “Why are they hiding them in the most ridiculous places? I finally found one, but it was in a mocker at an abandoned YMCA. It had some band-aids, sure, but no ibuprofen. Another was nestled in a swath of tall grass like I’m trying to catch a Pokémon? I’m sick, not on a scavenger hunt. The least they could do is make them glow blue so you can spot them easier.”

Still, experts argue that this plan represents a bold new era of American healthcare.

“This is technically universal healthcare,” said Dr. Jane Phillips, a professor of health policy at Stanford University. “Everyone has an equal opportunity to find a med-kit, regardless of socio-economy standing. It’s a free-for-all, and that’s what makes it fair. Let’s say you break your leg and find a med-kit with Oxycodone & a bottle of whiskey – you can trade those items with someone else who found a splint. In a way, it’s the perfect blend of universal access and free market capitalism.”

As of press time, thousands of kits have already been delivered to empty wood crates, the stalls of bathrooms, and disused vending machines with a rollout planned for 2025 to include burned-out pickups, under piles ro rubble, and in sewers.

NECA Releases JD Vance Figure in Universal Monsters Collection

Posted on by bee

HILLSIDE, N.J. — Action figure manufacturer National Entertainment Collectibles Association (NECA) has included vice presidential candidate James David Vance in their new limited edition line of Universal Monsters merchandise.

“It seemed like a good fit to us,” said Ann Muovi, design coordinator and lead painter at NECA. “Usually we negotiate with popular media brands to produce figures of their iconic characters, but nobody here knew anything about Vance. His campaign paid us a lot upfront so we had to come up with something, and after researching his role in ‘Project 2025’ we all think he’s a monster.”

The collection, licensed by Universal Pictures, features other famous film fiends like ‘Dracula’ and ‘Frankenstein.’ Reactions from figure collectors on social media have ranged from tepid to lukewarm.

“I bought Vance to fill a spot on my villains shelf but my wife said he’s too creepy to keep on display,” reported the horror-themed YouTube channel ‘Necaphiliac’ in a full review. “I tried to scalp him on Facebook Marketplace, figured someone there would want #1 of 50, but it’s been weeks without a bite and they aren’t even sold out on the NECA store. And I get it. ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ is the most boring B-horror ever. My kids turned it off before he even started killing people. So I’ll just put him in the closet next to my Ted Cruz Lego set.” 

Vance gave insight into the collaboration decision during a podcast which everyone agreed would not be fact-checked.

“I’ve always been a big fan of Necco figurines and it’s been great for the campaign,” said Vance. “The American working class loves my little doll. I’ve signed at least two thousand of them at rallies already. Cornering the high-end birthday gift market is my only way to reach the girlfriend and suburban mom vote. I’m aware of some negative responses but that’s just a bunch of childless toy guys.”

At press time, NECA issued an emergency recall after several customers were hospitalized from inhalation of toxic fumes when burning the figure as an effigy.

Fishing Not as Fun as Fishing Minigame Implied

Posted on by Nick Coffman

LAKE GENEVA, Wisc. – Following an itch to get outdoors and take on a new hobby, local reformed gamer, Reggie Murphy, discovered that trading his Xbox for a tackle box wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be. The disgruntled fisherman could be heard hollering across Geneva Bay, confirming his disdain for fish, the act of fishing, and it being nothing like fishing minigames led him to believe it would be.

“I just wanted a distraction from my main quest in marketing for medical supplies. Whenever I need a break from gathering cult members in ‘Cult of the Lamb’ or banging my crush in ‘Stardew Valley,’ I just cast a line and fish the day away,” Murphy said, shaking his head at his nearby poles. “I am so good at those fishing minigames. You should see how many fish I can catch. No matter the fishing minigame, I am the fishing master. Here, I do ok, but where are the shadows so I know where the fish are? Where are the button prompts and the instant gratification of knowing the species, weight, and length apun catching the fish? I really feel like I was lied to.” 

Murphy continued to bellow, carrying on about the preparation that went into his fishing trip.

“Did you know you had to put a worm on the hook to entice the fish? I didn’t and now my fingers are all slimy. Even worse, the few fish I have caught I had to remove from the hook and now my fingers are even slimier. I can’t tell what’s worm slime and what’s fish slime,” Murphy’s voice echoed across the bay, scaring any nearby fish. “You don’t even need fancy rods. I got this nice one and this old one and they both caught the same little baby paddlefish. I don’t think any of these game developers have ever actually been fishing.”

Local Lake Genevans didn’t take too kindly to Murphy’s harsh words about fishing and their beautiful lake. This included the local Lake Geneva police who fielded multiple complaints about Murphy.

“We get disgruntled gamers often,” Deputy Marcie Bloom of the LGPD said heading to her squad car to drive out to Murphy’s location. “These folks get a small taste of fishing and think they can handle the real deal. This isn’t ‘Final Fantasy’ or ‘Red Dead Redemption,’ this fishing takes patience, which these gamers lack. These folks usually don’t cause much harm. As long as no other law has been broken we usually slap them with a warning for disturbing the peace and send them back home to their minigames.

At press time Murphy had been arrested for allegedly fishing without a license and for two counts of capturing a vulnerable spcies of paddlefish.

Game Night: Absolutely Everything Is Trying to Kill Us in ‘Iron Meat’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

For the last few years, Konami has been notoriously uninterested in making games. It has a proud 40-year-old legacy of classics, the most famous of which are Metal Gear, Castlevania, Silent Hill, Suikoden, and Contra, but made a deliberate shift towards the mobile and pachinko markets in 2015.

While Konami’s put out a few things recently, such as this week’s Silent Hill 2 remake, February’s Contra: Operation Galuga, and the recent Castlevania DS collection, it’s let many of its franchises wither on the vine. If you’re any kind of long-time video game fan, it’s been a point of frustration for a while.

That frustration has apparently hit Retroware particularly hard, because its recent product lineup looks like a blatant attempt to rebuild Konami from the ‘80s on up. The forthcoming The Transylvania Adventure of Simon Quest appears to be an attempt to ask the question, “What if Simon Belmont was a douchebag?” and Iron Meat is described on its own Steam page as a “Contra-like.” These are shameless men who have set about a shameless task.

I’m giving them shit – I feel I have no choice but to give them shit – but I can’t say they’ve done it badly. Iron Meat is a Contra game by David Cronenberg on surprise acid, packed fat with body horror and arcade-style challenge. Like Contra, it’s designed to encourage you to go for a one-credit clear, but it’s got a few modern quality-of-life features that take some of the sting out of learning each level’s patterns.

At the start of Iron Meat, an unspecified experiment opens a portal to another dimension. The entity that spills out, the Meat, is instantly hostile and turns everything it touches into a cyborg abomination. Humans become half-machine drones, while everything from crates to vehicles to buildings become carnivorous nightmares.

You’re one of the troops trying to fight this invasion back by any means necessary. Early on, you’re fighting little skirmishes against the forces of Meat, but eventually it turns into a full panicked retreat. This is all told through the story that’s happening in the background as you blast through hundreds of Meat-created monsters, as the war takes you from the human holdouts’ facilities to a confrontation on the moon. There’s actually a fair amount of story here for a game that has placed absolutely no emphasis upon it.

Describing the gameplay feels mildly redundant, as the gameplay is Contra, and it feels like everyone who’s ever wanted to play Contra has had the opportunity to do so by now. You are a square-jawed action archetype with a gun who runs across the screen shooting everything that gets in your way. Despite your visible grit and ability to do infinite triple flips, you die from the mildest touch of enemy action.

While Iron Meat does load you down with extra lives – Normal difficulty gives you 15, and they’re restocked between levels – you also lose your current weapon if you die. It borrows the weapon-swap mechanic from Contra III, where you can keep a gun in reserve through death, but you’re still at an immediate, distinct disadvantage whenever you lose a life.

The idea is to learn each level so you can glide through it without taking a hit, which rewards you by letting you keep your big overpowered guns on hand to blow the stage boss into component atoms. This is a game that’s been made to be mastered.

It’s also got some of the craziest enemy design of anything I’ve played this year. Iron Meat is set in a world perched between any given Iron Maiden album cover and ‘90s skateboard art, where absolutely anything could sprout a fanged maw and try to kill you. I thought the giant semi-organic bullet train would prove to be the limits of its ingenuity, but then I ended up in a pitched fight against a possessed apartment building. If there’s one thing you have to see in Iron Meat, it’s the flesh/robot monsters, and some of the best are saved for the last couple of stages.

The biggest problem Iron Meat might have is that it doesn’t always do a great job of indicating where it is and isn’t safe to stand. There are a number of levels where you’re supposed to navigate a situation by jumping to ledges that are colored like they’re meaningless parts of the background. It’s nothing you can’t learn from repetition, and the entire game is built around replaying the same 11 stages for high scores, but it’s obnoxious on an initial run.

Its second biggest problem is that it came out the same year as Operation Galuga. Iron Meat has a more classic style and arguably better design, and it was mostly made by one guy in Russia, so you have to grade it on a curve. It’s still got the problem where it was made in homage to a classic series that abruptly came out of hibernation a full eight months before its release, in what analysts sometimes (do not) call a “Bubsy 3D” scenario.

Iron Meat is ten bucks cheaper than Operation Galuga, though, and it’s worth clearing at least once for the experience. It’s only about an hour long, with enough of that old-school style that you’ll probably want to immediately go back through it on the next highest difficulty. It’s got 1995’s graphics with 1985’s gameplay, and if that sounds like fun to you, you’ll enjoy Iron Meat.

[Iron Meat, developed by Ivan Suvorov and published by Retroware, is now available for PlayStation, Xbox Series X|S, Nintendo Switch, and PC via Steam, Epic, Itch, and GOG for an MSRP of $19.99. This review was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Retroware representative.]

Chris Redfield and His Thick Boots Thwarted by Locked Door Marked with Shield Emblem

Posted on by Nick Coffman

RACCOON CITY – In an embarrassing moment for all present, while exploring a mansion owned by the Umbrella Corporation Chris Redfield was unable to kick in a locked door despite his big thick boots and giant leg muscles.

The former Special Tactics and Rescue Service member reportedly hung his head in shame as he continued through the residence with the rest of his team.

“I used to punch boulders out of the way that were ten times my size,” Redfield shared in a hushed whisper to anyone who would listen. “It’s got to be the boots. I usually wear my Red Wing boots. This is what I get for trying out Thorogoods. I won’t make that mistake again.”

The crew, made up of Redfield’s longtime friends and partners in bringing down Umbrella, Jill Valentine, Leon S. Kennedy, and his sister Claire Redfield, were all but ready to move on, but the eldest Redfield continued to dwell on the locked door.

“A key with a shield emblem on it? Who are these hack architects still designing mansions for Umbrella,” Redfield pondered out loud in a desperate attempt to pass the buck on his failed door bashing. “I get a little queasy after ingesting some red herb. Give me an hour to flush it out of my system and I’m sure I’ll be able to kick that door in.”

Having enough of his excuses, Valentine cut in to help bring Redfield back down to Earth.

“I know it may not look like it, thanks to the anti-aging properties of herbs and first aid sprays over the years, but we’re getting old, Chris,” Valentine said, caressing his face. “We’ve all been doing this for a while now. You think I can lock pick every door I come across? You can’t beat yourself up for not being able to kick in one door. You just turned 51, give yourself a break, old man.”

At press time, Valentine had successfully circled back and unlocked the door with her trusty lock pick.

Report: RFK Jr Contracted by Tom Nook to Harvest Carcasses of Villagers Who Fell Behind on Rent

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

ANIMAL VILLAGE — RFK Jr has allegedly been collecting the dead bodies of islanders who fell behind on their rent in an arrangement with Tom Nook.

The former presidential candidate and avid carrion collector addressed the allegations in an unprompted video posted to his X – The Everything App account.

“About five years ago I took a Dodo Airlines flight to this island, and that’s where I met Tom Nook,” RFK Jr said. “He knew who I was, and that I’m an avid outdoorsman who has never met a rotting animal carcass I could say no to, and says he has a few fresh animal corpses I’m welcome to take with me, starting with this seagull who had kept washing up on shore and he was worried about attracting other vagrants to the beach. Anyway I snapped the gull’s neck cause he wasn’t quite dead, and that was the beginning of our partnership.”

Tom Nook, real estate developer and landlord, has denied the allegations.

“I’ve never met RFK Jr before in my life,” Nook claimed. “I value the lives of our tenants nearly as much as I do the property they occupy. Why would I want to see any of them dead? Any residents who have died that also happened to be behind on their rent is purely coincidental. If there’s some deranged lunatic harvesting the corpses of our deceased residents I expect them to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Teddy was a friend, and to see his lifeless body stuffed and posed in a threatening stance in RFK Jr’s study in that insane video is just heartbreaking. That’s not the Teddy I knew.”

K.K. Slider has announced a tribute album to raise funds for the families of the deceased titled “Always Pay the Rent on Time”, but has denied any wrongdoing by Tom Nook.

“Tom Nook is a compassionate businessman who is invested in supporting the community he bankrolls,” The fabled guitarist said. “After all, would a heartless killer provide live music every Saturday for the tenants of his village? I think not. Anyway, here’s Bubblegum K.K.”

At press time, RFK Jr was seen struggling to get a pair of glasses to stay affixed to the stuffed head of Raymond, the cat who was recently reported missing by residents of the island after falling behind on his last two rent payments.