TikTok Ban Lasts Slightly Longer Than Average User’s Attention Span

WASHINGTON — The United States government’s ban on the social media platform TikTok has officially ended. Affecting around 170 million users of the app, the ban lasted just slightly longer than those users’ collective attention spans.

“I’m just so happy it’s back. I really didn’t know what –” said TikTok user Frank Hart before becoming distracted by a squirrel running up a tree. “Like I said, it’s just great it’s back and I don’t have to find something else to do while I’m watching a movie.” Hart continued after quickly losing interest in the squirrel.

Hart wasn’t the only TikTok user who was ecstatic about the news. Many of them rushed back to the app to make videos celebrating its return.

“That was the most agonizing period of my life,” recalled TikToker Jenna Geller in a video of her twerking in the middle of rush hour traffic on the freeway. “It was banned for so long I never would have believed it could come back. I mean those few hours were absolutely harrowing. I was so bored, there was nothing to do. I had to resort to reading a book, luckily when I took a break after the first paragraph to scroll Twitter I saw TikTok was back.”

Kenneth Hong, a spokesperson for ByteDance spoke about the process for getting the app back up for its American users.

“We understand how difficult this was for our users and we deeply apologize that they had to go several hours without being able to scroll through 30 second videos algorithmically designed to keep them docile. Luckily as soon as President Biden took his 12:30 nap we were able to distract incoming President Trump with dangling keys long enough to convince him that bringing our app back will be good for him. After all, people won’t be privy to the actions of a fascist oligarchy while they’re watching snippets of flossing teens and funny cats for 12 hours a day.”

At press time, in light of TikTok’s return Mark Zuckerberg has announced that Meta will be shortening the maximum length of Instagram Reels to 4 seconds.

Not Banned Yet! Americans Flee Tik Tok For Totally Different Chinese Data-Stealing App

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Americans prepare for a historic social media ban made possible by a groundbreaking bipartisan campaign between political parties, RedNote, a totally different Chinese social media app that steals your data, has risen in popularity.

“They’re infringing on my First Amendment rights!” says social media influencer, Ray-Ray Baller. “The government should have no business telling me who I can and can’t give my mother’s maiden name, social security number, and blood type to.”

Young people across the country are ditching TikTok, which the Supreme Court has deemed a threat to national security, for the next closest thing.

“RedNote is a non-Americanized social media that is totally chill and most definitely isn’t doing exactly what TikTok was doing to get banned,” says social media expert Madison Montgomery. “And the best part is, it isn’t owned by a sad, divorced billionaire that oozes toxic masculinity… Come to think of it, I don’t know who owns RedNote, probably a really cool Chinese billionaire with morals and stuff.”

U.S. Senators and Congressmen agree that the app they are completely confused by is destroying the very fabric of their country’s democracy. And now, a unanimous 9-0 approval by the Supreme Court to uphold the ban has put TikTok’s final saving grace into the hand of President-elect Donald Trump.

“These children are gold mines of valuable data, and they’re just giving it away to one of our greatest enemies?!” says Republican Congressman, Doug Jerqoph. “The only way to wrangle these disrespectful kids is to regulate which bathrooms they use, what sports they can play, and what apps they spend all their parents’ data on.”

At press time, the RedNote surge has resulted in a large influx of Duolingo users changing their focus to Mandarin.

Game Night: The Games I Didn’t Cover in 2024

I’ve been a reporter in and around the video game industry for over 20 years. When I pitched this column to Hard Drive, it was in the hopes that I’d finally get to do something with the dozens of indie games that get sent to me every month. I was about half right, as while I did get to talk about something new every Friday, Game Night promptly developed its own exclusive pile of shame.

Typically, these were games that required more of a time investment than I could handle at the time; which I hadn’t heard about until they were already a couple of months old; or which showed up in a broken state. More often, they just got lost in the shuffle.

Now that we’ve hit what appears to be the January slowdown, I’ve been playing through a bunch of the games that I meant to cover before now, in an attempt to clear the slate. Here are some thoughts on the best, or at least most memorable, of what’s left.

Alice’s Lullaby – Ape Law

Remember Albino Lullaby? It came out back in 2015 as the first entry in what was ostensibly an episodic narrative/stealth/adventure game, self-billed as a “Lynchian psychological nightmare.” Then the developers went dark for over 9 years. While Albino’s follow-up chapters were listed on Steam, it seemed safe to assume they were vaporware.

Surprise. Alice’s Lullaby came out with minimal fanfare on Oct. 8, and if anything, it’s a more uncomfortable (complimentary) experience than its predecessor. The first 20 minutes are a barrage of animal slaughter, child abuse, discordant pseudo-music, and a horde of monsters that look like angry faces drawn on severed thumbs. Playing Alice’s Lullaby feels like you’ve signed up to have several other people’s nightmares at once.

Like Albino, half of Alice’s impact comes from its lack of guidance or guardrails. It offers a little more of an initial plot hook than Albino did, but still drops you into the middle of a surreal situation without guidance or explanation. You’re trapped in an abandoned underground settlement with the mutant remnants of a cult, out to save a girl who’s been dead since before you were born. Somehow. I think.

The result is an effectively creepy thriller, but much of its impact depends on your individual tolerance for media that actively tries to upset you. Right from the start, you’re supposed to be lost, confused, and off-balance. It’s not even an acquired taste; this is either for you or it’s not, with no middle ground. I think I could really get into the Lullaby games if I was in the right mood, but I have no idea what that mood could be.

Anger Foot – Free Lives/Devolver Digital

You can get Anger Foot (July 11, Steam) in a bundle with Mullet Mad Jack at the time I’m writing this, which is really convenient for me. Much of what I wrote about Jack applies just as well here: it’s a high-speed, short-run FPS where every enemy dies in one hit.

More importantly, it’s a love song to the big front kick. Every stage in Anger Foot is 60 to 180 seconds of flimsy excuses to apply boot to ass, face, chest, and door. It’s clearly the work of people who love games like Dark Messiah, Bulletstorm, or Dying Light, where 90% of the combat revolves around punting fools into deep pits or live wires.

Anger Foot is also deliberately shallow, has too much random toilet humor for my tastes, and has a visual style that looks like you’re fucking up a bunch of Temu Muppets. (Alternative joke: it’s Berry Gordy’s Meet the Feebles.) It’s proudly, gleefully dumb, but it’s hard to really dislike, especially when I get to kill some random moron by kicking his door into his face.

Arco – Franek Nowotniak, Max Cahill, José Ramón “Bibiki” García, Antonio Uribe/Panic

Arco got on my radar a few months ago when I saw its lead developer complain on Twitter that he was having a hard time finding an audience for it. Now that I’ve played it, I can see why.

Arco (Steam and Switch, Aug. 15) is a hybrid of a real-time strategy game, an RPG, and a bullet hell shooter, set against the backdrop of a Mesoamerican-styled fantasy Western. You play as a group of four characters, starting with an embittered mercenary, who set out on a mission of revenge across the frontier.

Any fantasy game that isn’t running off the post-Tolkien Dungeons & Dragons playbook gets some points from me right at the start (see also 2021’s Cris Tales), and Arco has a quiet emotional edge that pulls you in almost immediately. It’s like Unforgiven with alpacas.

Its biggest problem might be its difficulty. You’ll get the hang of its odd combat system after a couple of battles, but the biggest problem is that you keep showing up to gunfights with a knife and a bow. That works about as well as you’d think it would.

If you stick it out for the first hour, there’s a solid, memorable game here, but I’ve been vaporized in too many random bandit crossfires to give Arco an unqualified recommendation. It’s ambitious, and it’s absolutely worth a look if you want a unique RPG, but it’s tough in ways that don’t feel entirely intentional.

Athena Crisis – Nakazawa Tech/Null Games

Elephant in the room: Athena Crisis is not a “retro-inspired” strategy game. It is not a deliberate homage to the great portable tactics games of the 2000s. That is marketing spin. Athena Crisis wants to be Advance Wars. It stole its clothes, it mimicked its haircut, it’s befriended its loved ones.

To double back, in case you aren’t as painfully old as I am, Athena Crisis (Steam, Sept. 23) is a turn-based strategy game that hearkens back to the big library of similar releases on the Game Boy Advance and Nintendo DS. In a tactical challenge that’s pitched like Fisher-Price’s My First Tank Battalion, you take control of the Pink Army to defend your nation against the encroaching Orange Army.

In fairness, Athena Crisis does come off like it’s trying to improve on its inspirations. Crisis is open-source, and features online gameplay, a long single-player campaign, and community-created campaigns and maps. It’s a little too weirdly child-friendly for me, particularly in how it depicts an urban conflict theater with the same emotional weight as flag football, but I could see Athena Crisis being a hit with tactics fans. If nothing else, it’s perfect for portable systems like the Steam Deck.

Balatro – LocalThunk/Playstack

I didn’t play it. Everyone I know who did play it was describing it in terms that are ordinarily reserved for opiate addiction, and I had shit to do. It’s probably incredible. You knew that. Moving on.

The Coma 2B: Catacomb – Dvora Studio/Headup

I don’t see many Western fans talking about the Coma series, which always struck me as being Korea’s answer to Clock Tower. They’re horror games set in a haunted school, where tormented students are stalked by a procession of possessed classmates and hostile ghosts. No combat is possible; you either run, hide, or die.

Coma 2B: Catacomb (PlayStation, Xbox, Switch, and PC, Oct. 25) is sort of the series’ Resident Evil 3, in that it’s a slightly unnecessary interquel that features a returning protagonist. Catacomb follows Youngho Choi, the protagonist of The Coma, during the events of The Coma 2. When he realizes his last week of exams has become an infinite loop, Youngho breaks free only to find himself stuck in the local spirit world. Now he’s got to dodge the more murderous locals and find a way to escape before he starves to death.

As you might expect from the description, this is not where you want to start with the series. Catacomb won’t make much sense unless you beat Coma 2. It’s also got some real issues in its back half that suggest that Catacomb was rushed to market. That said, if you like helplessness in your survival horror, Catacomb and the Coma series as a whole have a great sense of slowly mounting dread.

Cyberpulse – Scherzo Games/Digital Tribe

I’m lousy at Cyberpulse (Steam, May 21), but I suppose that’s part of the fun.

One of the lies I keep telling myself is that one day I’m going to regain my arcade shoot-’em-up cred, from back in the day when I could single-credit clear Life Force. It was in that spirit that I grabbed Cyberpulse, only to discover that it’s not a traditional example of the genre. Instead, it’s a bunch of different shoot-’em-ups packed into a single game.

As an antivirus program, your job is to track down hostile computer viruses throughout a long gauntlet of levels. Your central mechanic is creating a gravity wave in front of your ship that repels enemies that enter it, so they smash into each other or the closest wall. It’s Gradius as a demolition derby.

That’s the most common gimmick, but there are multiple modes in Cyberpulse that change things up by adding new rules, taking away the zone, adding power-ups, or throwing in new types of enemies. It ends up feeling like the Tetris Effect of arcade shooters, where each new stage might turn into Asteroids or R-Type or a Touhou game as you go.

The big drawback to Cyberpulse is its visual design, which is often a little too frantic to understand. About half my deaths come from how it’s hard to tell the difference at a glance between incoming enemy fire and score pickups. That could use a tweak, but the rest of the game is a unique spin on the “shmup” genre. It needs more love.

CYGNI: All Guns Blazing – KeelWorks/Konami

Speaking of shmups, CYGNI (PlayStation 5, Xbox, Steam, and Epic, August 6) is a new bullet-hell game with an odd rhythm to it. It’s the debut project from KeelWorks, a Scottish animation studio, and they gave it their all. If nothing else, CYGNI looks incredible, with all the weirdly organic enemy battleships you can handle.

In play, CYGNI reminds me of Treasure shooters, particularly Radiant Silvergun, and those arcade revivals that you used to see on Xbox Live Arcade like Hard Corps: Uprising. CYGNI takes the basic ‘90s shmup formula and builds a bunch of systems around it, such as ship upgrades, arsenal customization, and the ability to switch power between your shields and weapons on the fly.

It does highlight a couple of things about the basic arcade shooter formula that I realized I’d been taking for granted, like how the short levels give you built-in breaks from the action. Each mission in CYGNI is about as long as an entire game from the arcade days, and you’re expected to plow through each of them in a single sitting. If you’re playing on Medium or higher, you also only get one life. In a genre that’s otherwise full of relay races, CYGNI is a marathon. It’s a must-see for shmup fanatics, but for anyone else, it’s a steep climb.

Killing Time: Resurrected – 3DO/Nightdive Studios/Ziggurat Interactive

Nightdive Studios specializes in remastering and re-releasing old out-of-print PC and console games, which is often a mixed bag. For every game I’m glad they’re keeping in circulation, like Rise of the Triad, there’s something like PO’d that should’ve been released exclusively to libraries and forgotten by everyone else. Killing Time: Resurrected (PlayStation, Xbox, Switch, and PC via Steam and GOG, Oct. 17) is the former, as it feels like finding some missing link in FPS history.

The original Killing Time came out in 1996, as a first-party exclusive for the short-lived 3DO console. It’s a single-player FPS set during the US’s Prohibition era, where an heiress has accidentally brought down a curse on an isolated island. Now you’ve got to fight zombie bootleggers and giant ants to reach and destroy an ancient artifact.

I’d never heard any real talk about Killing Time, but it turns out that it was years ahead of the FPS curve. The whole game takes place on a single massive map that covers the entire island. You do have to hunt down a few keys to make progress, but otherwise you’re free to explore. It’s an open-world game from before anyone had coined the phrase.

On the other hand, it’s got some of the dumbest monster design I’ve ever seen. The enemies in Killing Time are goofy. It’s a game that has no idea whether it’s a spoof or not, with monsters like undead housekeepers, murder clowns, and a bunch of women in Spirit Halloween succubus costumes.

If you can get past that, Killing Time stacks up surprisingly well against most modern faux-retro “boomer shooters,” although you’ll want to play on higher difficulties. It’s fast, occasionally intense, and offers an entirely different sort of challenge than most of its contemporaries did.

Lorelei and the Laser Eyes – Simogo/Annapurna Interactive

I heard about Lorelei and the Laser Eyes (Steam and Switch, May 16; PlayStation, Dec. 3) through pure word of mouth. Several different people independently mentioned that it was the business, and then I found out it was the latest project from the same team as Sayonara Wild Hearts. I’ve been meaning to play it all year.

It’s interesting to see the team officially confirm that Lorelei took some inspiration from the original Resident Evil, as my first impression of it was that it’s a survival horror game without the combat. Instead, it’s a gently spooky, surreal mystery set in a nearly abandoned hotel, where the current year seems to change from room to room. Your goal is to solve a gauntlet of increasingly surreal puzzles in order to figure out who you are, what’s going on, and why you’re here.

You could accuse Lorelei of favoring style over substance, particularly since its controls are distinctly wonky, but it’s smart and well-paced. You’re meant to wander around the hotel at your own speed and pick it apart like an onion. It’s a great way to spend a couple of lazy afternoons.

Marco: Beyond Brave – Studio Mechka

I got a code for Marko: Beyond Brave (Steam, Sept. 17) a couple of weeks ahead of its official release. On installation, however, it ran like—to use a term of journalistic art—hot ass. I assumed this was another case of an indie game that got rushed to release before it was actually ready and put it on the back burner.

I double-checked for this column and found that Marko’s been patched. Now it runs just fine, but that forces me to discuss its other problem: it’s about as generic a Metroidvania as you could get in 2024, with graphics that remind me of particularly ambitious Flash games. It’s not bad; it’s just kind of there.

This is the debut project from a small Bulgarian studio, so I want to cut it some slack, but Marko is in desperate need of some extra sauce. It’s got a little challenge to it, but it’s otherwise stuck in the dead center of the grading curve. That, in its own way, is remarkable.

Venture to the Vile – Studio Cut to Bits/Aniplex Inc.

Back in November, when I was writing about how Soulslikes and Metroidvanias can be an awkward combination, I might as well have mentioned Venture to the Vile (Steam, PS4&5, Xbox, and Switch, May 22) by name. It’s got a solid premise, and I’m always interested in a deliberately creepy Metroidvania, but there’s too much Sekiro in Venture’s soup.

In a small village that’s under attack by a corruptive force, you’re the only person who’s survived exposure to the “Vile” without becoming a monster. Instead, you got a handful of beneficial mutations like a retractable claw. Thus equipped, you set out to explore the countryside in search of both a missing friend and a way to stop the Vile.

In theory, Venture has everything in its corner. The animation’s fluid, it has a distinct visual identity, it loves its body horror, and it features a big map with plenty of varying environments. The problem I ran into was with its combat, where every single enemy is best handled via a parry mechanic. You can walk up and just hit them if you want, but in practice, you want to either bait an attack and counter or not fight at all.

In a genre that I tend to define by its speed and fluidity, Venture to the Vile asks you to spend most of your time waiting for enemies to try and hit you. It was already testing my patience, and then I ran into a puzzle that I’m too color-blind to solve. I had to stop playing it.

Venture has some fans, and I can appreciate much of what it’s trying to do, but it’s built around truly obnoxious core mechanics. It might be worth a look if you enjoy tense, difficult Metroidvanias like Ender Lilies, but Venture to the Vile feels like a game that got wrecked by market forces. It’s got a bunch of Souls cruft that didn’t have to be here and it brings the whole thing down.

Attendees to David Lynch’s Funeral Put Through Surreal Dream Journey

LOS ANGELES — Acclaimed director David Lynch was laid to rest today in a funeral that attendees called “a kaleidoscopic tour through the endless dark.”

Two generations of filmmakers turned out to say goodbye to Lynch, in an elaborate ceremony held at a condemned bowling alley in Little Tokyo. Attendees were ushered into the venue by two 7’-tall identical white men who did not speak or blink, and served coffee and cigarettes by caterers who, one assumes, were hired because they resembled the most famous people in the room.

The ceremony was officiated by an unidentified woman who read the day’s weather report aloud through tears, while only dressed in a black hat, veil, and opera gloves. She then gave a eulogy for a local porn producer named Dick Laurent before vanishing into the shadows behind her podium.

After 15 minutes of perfect silence, attendees who attempted to leave discovered that all the exits had disappeared. Several found other ways out via other doors inside the building, which led to other locations throughout Los Angeles County, including a cheap hotel in San Dimas and a greasy spoon in Alhambra. At time of writing, roughly half the people who attended Lynch’s funeral have yet to reappear in public.

“Oh, I thought it was perfect,” actress Laura Dern told Hard Drive. “The important thing about David’s funeral is what you personally take away from it. Asking what he intended is beyond the point.”

Dern continued, “Sure, I wish I knew where Nick [Cage] is now, or why his voicemail message has been replaced by a string of numbers read in a monotonous baritone, but I have faith in David’s vision. I’m sure Nick’s enjoying himself, wherever or whenever he is.”

Other attendees of the funeral weren’t as thrilled with the experience.

“I spent twenty-three years as a claims adjuster named Dexter Burbank,” said Justin Theroux, who appeared in Lynch’s final film, 2006’s Inland Empire. “I experienced every moment of Dexter’s quiet desperation, who was deeply unhappy in every way that counted and desperate for a way out. Then I, we, learned his wife was cheating on him, and dead, and also a wholly different person who sang in a 1930s jazz combo. I woke up in a dumpster, as myself, and cried. I guess it’s what David would’ve wanted.”

Lynch was 78. His family has requested that, in lieu of flowers, donations be sent to a random post office box in Venice Beach. Once an arbitrary amount of funding has been reached, the money will be used as an impetus for a tragicomic sequence of events with an uncertain ending.

Paralyzed Pokemon Still Doing Quite A Lot Out There

MAUVILLE CITY — In a miraculous turn of events, a thought to be paralyzed Sceptile has overcome the crippling status effect to defeat Wattson of the Mauville City Gym, sources in the gym confirm.

“I thought I had it in the bag!” claims the electric-type gym leader after embarrassingly giving up a badge and free TM to his young adversary. “A paralyzed person would never be able to do so much out there, I guess thunder waves don’t hit like they used to anymore.”

The victorious trainer’s Pokemon, who used nothing but sheer will and determination, powered through the debilitating condition, spamming physical moves until divine intervention allowed the immobilized monster to attack.

“It was nothing short of a miracle,” said one local Nurse Joy who was standing by during the gym battle. “It would typically take months, even years, for a Pokemon to rehabilitate from such a gruesome injury. Either that or a quick spray from a Paralyze Heal, the PokeMart’s groundbreaking medicinal spray that can suck the lightning right out of a Pokemon’s bones, now only $400 at Marts all across the region, get yours today!”

When approached by reporters regarding the sensational victory, the trainer from Littleroot Town told them he was doing a holistic challenge run.

“No potions, no healing items, and no trips to a Pokemon Center, I saw a guy on Twitch do it and thought, ‘that can’t be too hard’ so here I am,” he said. “The only way I can get my Pokemon to recover is by going all the way back home and having my mom do it.”

The recent influx of challenge runners rising the ranks through Hoenn has been concerning to the Gym leaders who make a living kicking the butts of naive children with underleveled Pokemon.

“It’s an epidemic!” says Sootopolis Gym Leader, Wallace. “These kids grind on route 1 for days and days and then slaughter every Gym Leader they approach. It’s an insult to the community and detrimental to the game, we need to do something about this.”

At press time, Officer Jennys have been placed at every route to ensure no Trainer is abusing the local wildlife just to complete some gratuitous challenge run.

Point-and-Click Adventure Gamer Denied Arthritis Medication by Insurance Company

LANSING, Mich — A woman suffering from osteoarthritis was recently denied the cortisone injections she needed to painlessly pixel hunt around the backdrop of point-and-click adventure games.

Having tried over-the-counter acetaminophen, physical therapy, and browsing the forums of AdventureGamers.com, hand brace-clad Louisa Carver still needed help.

“After running around in Beautiful Desolation and then looking for one undistinguished book amongst the hundreds of books on a shelf in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, it’s looking like I’m going to have to start playing controller games,” expelled Carver.

Before she was even declined, in order for Carver to find the phone number for her health care provider, she had to combine a balloon with packing foam, throw a rock to distract a goat, and steal a belt buckle from a fishmonger. Upon dialing, she had to guess the name of a gnome and enter it backward, before being placed on a two-and-a-half hour wait to speak to a representative.

“Unfortunately, having an extensive knowledge of the classic LucasArts catalog is a pre-existing condition,” explained Ronda Diaz, a representative of UnitedHealthcare, after a four hour wait and forty minutes of navigating the automated phone system.

While this news is upsetting to many Monkey Island fans, some loved ones of adventure gamers are not as supportive of this pastime.

“Normal boyfriends are up all night playing Call of Duty or Madden. When I’m trying to sleep, I have to hear ‘click click click’ all night while my boyfriend goes around asking unwelcoming villagers where to find a barrow in Victorian England,” bemoans Teri Taylor, a newer member of PAWG, People Against Wadjet Eye Games.

Louisa Carver is still going through her inventory, retracing her steps to see if she missed a Inland Empire check, in hopes to find a workaround solution.

At press time, Carver discovered if she sticks masking tape covered in cat hair on her face using maple syrup, she can use her friend’s ID to use his healthcare plan.

Here’s Everything Kotaku Knows About Switch 2 Emulation

Nintendo has officially announced the Nintendo Switch 2. While the announcement had essentially no details whatsoever other than what it looks like and that it exists, gaming publication Kotaku has you covered. Despite Nintendo not revealing any concrete details about the console until April, Kotaku already has various scoops on how emulation of the machine will work. Here’s everything they know about Switch 2 piracy.

Metroid Prime 4 Will Run Great on PC Days Ahead of Launch

The long awaited fourth installment in the Metroid Prime series is sure to be a flagship title for the Switch 2. Nintendo will no doubt be looking at the game’s sales figures to determine the future of the franchise. But fear not because Kotaku already knows that the game will run great on PC before it’s official launch and they’ll be happy to tell you. Not only will this save you money by not having to buy the game but it will save Nintendo money by not having to make another one.

Nintendo Will Be Really Cold Towards Them for Some Reason

It’s quite strange. Nintendo must hate journalism.

All of Their Review Copies Will Be Given to Them by a Shady Guy Named Declan

All of Kotaku’s Nintendo Switch 2 review codes will be provided on the dark web by a man named Declan who’s only official job title is “Guy Who Gets Things”. They will of course all be for the Steam Deck.

It Won’t Be As Easy to Mod as a 3DS

While the 3DS is surprisingly easy to mod, the Switch 2 will be much more complicated. But don’t worry, that’s why Kotaku will publish an easy to read step by step guide on launch day so you can hack your Switch 2 like a pro on day 1.

The Exact Amount of Lawyers Who Will Laugh at You Before One Finally Says Maybe

It turns out most lawyers have heard of Nintendo and most lawyers don’t take cases that spell certain doom. But if you find the right mini mall, you may just find a lawyer willing to give it a shot.

It Will Play Custer’s Revenge

Not natively of course but they will be more than happy to tell you how to get it up and running.

The Plot to the Next Zelda Game Which They Won’t Get a Press Copy Of

While it’s still deep in development and nowhere close to being announced Kotaku has already secured plot information on the next Zelda game despite being guaranteed to not receive a press copy of it from Nintendo. They’ll be playing it early on their PC thanks to Declan and will be glad to tell you everything that happens before the game comes out.

Miyamoto Will Personally Bury Your Battered Corpse in the Caves He Explored as a Youth

They speak from experience. RIP young Kotaku writers.

Kid Excitedly Reads Back of Nintendo eShop Gift Card During Drive Home From GameStop

LAFAYETTE, La.— Birthday boy Robert Leaumont was seen excitedly reading the back of his Nintendo eShop gift card during a car ride home from GameStop, sources apparently not driving fast enough confirm.

“Sure I’ve only had my eye on this for the past few weeks, but that’s like a lifetime when you’re cool and 12 years old like me,” said Leaumont, as he mouthed the words outlined in the card’s terms and conditions. “All my friends already got one of these for Christmas, and I’m not about to waste any more time falling behind those lame-os. But at the rate we’re going, I’m going to be 20 by the time we get back and the eShop servers will have already been shut down.”

Leaumont’s mother, Mara Richmond, shared how this took her back to the days of her youth.

“It does my heart good to know that my Bobby shares a few similarities with his boring old mom, even if he doesn’t like to admit it,” said Richmond, not even trying to make that yellow light. “You see, when I was his age, I spent my return trips reading up on the game lore and trying to piece together the layout of the overworld from just the pictures on the back of the box alone. And even if my dad had no idea what an ocarina or a Zelda was, he was willing to listen to me babble on and on about everything I had gleaned from those buzzword descriptions and low-res screenshots. He also never tried to cut those moments short by driving faster than the residential speed limit allowed, and only ever called it quits once we had already been home for an hour and I was still buckled up, yakking about these things called ‘Gorons.’”

Leaumont continued to ponder the intricacies of his gift card, long after anyone else seemed to care.

“So if I’m reading this correctly, since I purchased the physical edition of eShop, I’m to be granted some bonus in-game currency once I input the download code into the debug menu,” said Leaumont, all alone in his mom’s SUV, daylight fading. “And since my buddies say eShop is this big, open-world experience, I’m debating whether I should spend this in-game currency on weapon upgrades now or save it for when I fight the big bad later on. Who’s the final boss of eShop supposed to be, anyway? This guy in the red hat on the front?”

At press time, Leaumont was reportedly in his room, drawing a map of the eShop menu to help him better navigate future playthroughs.

Every US President Ranked by K/D Ratio

There are many qualities by which you can measure a president: age, socio-economic impact, frequency of gaffes; but little has been written of the one true testament of character for a leader of the free world. Since this country’s inception, we’ve had some truly inspiring leaders. Some. Like, maybe three or four. However, we chose to focus on factors that might be more familiar to the modern American people. This is every single US President ranked by their lifetime ratio of Kills to Deaths.

 

46. Millard Fillmore – 0.0

Millard Fillmore never killed anyone, and frankly didn’t do much at all. He served as Vice President under Zachary Taylor, and then rose to the Presidency when Taylor died of a stomach bug in office. I tried to find one interesting thing about him, but even his biography on the White House’s official website describes him as an “uninspiring man”, which, honestly, is kind of inspiring. It just goes to show that with a little luck and some lethal diarrhea even the most unremarkable, unassertive person imaginable can accidentally become president.

45. Franklin Pierce – 0.0

Franklin Pierce was a career politician, infamous alcoholic, and supporter of slavery often described by his contemporaries as a “hero of many a well-fought bottle.” He did serve as a volunteer general in the Mexican-American War, but was never confirmed to have killed anyone and, in fact, fainted during one battle due to a leg injury, earning him the nickname “Fainting Frank.”

44. Jimmy Carter – 0.0

Jimmy Carter has never killed and will never die. Before you try to correct me, just know he’s already reincarnated. Long live President Jimmy.

43. Calvin Coolidge – 0.0

Calvin Coolidge was a bona-fide yankee doodle dandy, born on the Fourth of July, 1872. He never killed anyone, but he was a vocal supporter of the Civil Rights Movement, and a collector of wildlife. On January 5th, 1933, President Coolidge died, and forty-five days later was reincarnated as musician, filmmaker, and activist Yoko Ono. Welcome back, Mr. President!

42. Martin Van Buren – 0.0

Martin Van Buren was a boring, old career politician who had no confirmed kills throughout his lifetime. However, a medium at Hard Drive was able to speak with Van Buren’s ghost, who claims to have posthumously killed 36 angels and counting.

41. Abraham Lincoln – 0.0

During his lifetime, Abraham Lincoln killed neither man nor vampire, unfortunately. However, Hard Drive’s medium was able to speak with Lincoln as well, who admitted “If I’d known that play was going to be my last, I would’ve sprung for Hadestown.”

40. William Henry Harrison – 0.0

Although William Henry Harrison fought in several battles and ordered the killing of scores of Native Americans, he was never confirmed to have killed anyone himself. He served as a great President for several years, before dying valiantly to save our country. No, wait, wrong notes. He actually served as President for 31 days before drinking some especially dirty water and dying miserably.

39. Chester A. Arthur – 0.0

These non-killers are becoming a bit tedious so we’re going to go ahead and rapid fire the next few. For Arthur: BORING. NO KILLS. GOOFY FACIAL HAIR.

38. Herbert Hoover – 0.0

BORING. Couldn’t fulfill one single campaign promise, much less kill anyone.

37. Dwight D. Eisenhower – 0.0

BORING. Looks like a skinwalker posing as an accountant.

36. William Howard Taft – 0.0

William Howard Taft killed nobody, but served as Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court after his Presidency. Taft resigned from the Supreme Court in 1930 in order to pursue his true passion of succumbing to heart disease.

35. James Garfield – 0.0

BORING. Shot first year in office, seemed okay for a bit, died two-and-a-half months later.

34. John Quincy Adams – 0.0

John Quincy Adams never killed anyone, and would be considered boring if not for the fact that he owned an alligator.

33. John Adams – 0.0

John Adams killed no one, and had neither alligator nor cool middle name (like many of our founding fathers, Adams had no middle name at all). In addition to his real-life death due to a heart attack, Adams was posthumously lampooned and humiliated by Lin Manuel Miranda with the conception of Hamilton.

32. John F. Kennedy – 0.0

John F. Kennedy killed nobody in his lifetime, and is widely believed to have been assassinated in Dallas, Texas on November 22, 1963. However, several eyewitnesses swear to have seen President Kennedy die heroically no less than 382 times while fighting Thunderblight Ganon at the Battle of Vah Naboris.

31. Woodrow Wilson – 0.0

BORING. Really, really, really, really did not want the United States to get involved in World War I.

30. Rutherford B. Hayes – 0.0

Although Rutherford B. Hayes was wounded several times fighting for the Union during the Civil War, he was never confirmed to have killed anyone. Sometimes the best revenge is living well in a slavery-free country.

29. John Tyler – 0.0

BORING. HUGE Confederacy supporter who fathered 15 children throughout his life, the last of whom was born when Tyler was 63 years old.

28. Benjamin Harrison – 0.0

Benjamin Harrison never killed anyone, but he, unlike a lot of the other posers on this list, actually did some damn good during his Presidency, establishing three whole National Parks throughout his time in office.

27. Warren G. Harding – 0.0

With no kills to his name, Warren G. Harding’s primary accomplishments as President include presiding over one of the most corrupt administrations in U.S. history, and writing weird-ass love letters to several mistresses. To each their own, I guess.

26. Thomas Jefferson – 0.0008

President Thomas Jefferson, the first president on this list with a non-zero K/D never actually killed anyone himself, but he did have a Shetland Sheep that killed a young boy on the White House lawn. We’re going to go ahead and count that as an assist in his favor. Unfortunately, President Jefferson was also a prolific slave owner, and most of the ~600 slaves he owned over the course of his life never saw freedom, so we’re going to count those 600 deaths against him. Fuck you, Mr. President, enjoy shoveling sulfur.

25. James Buchanan – 1.0

James Buchanan was a lame old Federalist lawyer who never saw much need for violence to get his way. However, in 1859, American abolitionist John Brown carried out his raid on the US military arsenal at Harpers Ferry in an attempt to arm and incite a slave revolt. President Buchanan, in his immense lack of wisdom, simply couldn’t allow the American people to stand up for what was right. Thus, President Buchanan sent troops to Harpers Ferry to capture John Brown, who was then tried and executed, as is the American way.

24. James K. Polk – 1.7

Upon his election to the Presidency in 1844, James K. Polk was eager to use his Presidential powers to rack up a historic kill count, and thus dove straight into war with Mexico. This certainly did garner quite a few kills for the President, causing about 25,000 Mexican casualties throughout the course of the war. However, the war had a heavy cost for us here in the States as well, as we lost about 15,000 Americans in the Mexican-American War.

22/23. Grover Cleveland – 2.0

Almost two decades before President Cleveland came to call 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue home, he served as Sheriff of Erie County, New York. During his time as Sheriff, Grover Cleveland was tasked with overseeing the execution of two murderers, Patrick Morrissey and John Gaffney. Rather than delegate the executions to his deputy, Grover Cleveland elected instead to carry out the sentences himself, holding aloft his familial greatsword of Valyrian steel, and cleaving the men’s heads clean off their shoulders.

21. Bill Clinton – 3.0

While former President Clinton never necessarily served in combat or murdered anyone directly, a spokesperson for the Writers Guild of America reports that no less than three writers for The Tonight Show were worked to death in 1998 while churning out Monica Lewinsky jokes for an insatiable Leno.

20. George W. Bush – 10.0

In an interview with Hard Drive, former President George W. Bush described the one kill that still eludes him, “I’ve been hunting a man by the name of Jack Harrison since ‘79. I’ve come close a few times, but the bastard’s too damn quick. Rest assured, though, I’ll get ‘im.”

19. Ulysses S. Grant – 20.0

President Ulysses S. Grant saw a good deal of combat during the Mexican-American War, operating a Howitzer and serving in the army that took California from Mexico, so thanks for that, I guess.

18. William McKinley – 20.0

Former President William McKinley served in the Civil War, where he was promoted from a Private to a Major for his actions on the battlefield. His presidency was very quickly ended by an anarchist, because anarchists know how to get a job done.

17. Gerald Ford – 20.0

President Gerald Ford was no stranger to combat, as he served aboard an aircraft carrier in World War II, which is all well and good, but what really makes ol’ Jerry stand out among the other Presidents on this list is that he took home 2 Natties for University of Michigan’s football team in 1932 and 1933. William McKinley wouldn’t fucking dare.

16. James Monroe – 21.0

James Monroe collected quite the respectable body count as a low-level soldier during the Revolutionary War, with many even describing him as a “terrific shot.” Additionally, we threw one more kill on the pile due to the fact that Monroe absolutely slaughtered Rufus King in the 1816 election.

15. Zachary Taylor – 50.0

Former President Zachary Taylor commanded several battles in both the War of 1812 and the Mexican-American War, with some historians theorizing that Taylor was actually killed some time around the end of the War of 1812, only to return shortly after as the newly-ordained White Wizard of the Istari

14. George Washington – 51.0

In addition to George Washington’s combat kills during both the French and Indian War and the American Revolutionary War, Washington also ordered the execution of at least 1 British spy.

UNCONFIRMED: While Washington is officially documented to only have died once, several written accounts from the period report that the President had ordered the installation of hundreds of Hyperion New-U Stations across the thirteen colonies.

13. Teddy Roosevelt – 66.0

Aside from having at least one confirmed kill recorded in his Congressional Medal of Honor Citation, Teddy Roosevelt also boasted about killing many men during the Battle of San Juan Hill, and served as Commissioner of the NYPD which, at the time, was known for being extremely corrupt. Some things never change.

12. James Madison – 148.5

At press time, James Madison has been spotted alive and well in Argentina, chilling with Tupac and that guy from Tiger King.

11. Andrew Jackson – 801.0

Andrew Jackson, one of the pettiest little genocidal fuckers to ever serve as Commander-in-Chief, was known for dueling and killing one man for accusing him of cheating on a horse bet, and then killing several hundred more men for being Native American, really setting the bar for how much of a giant twat the leader of the free world has the power to be.

10. Barack Obama – 2,000.0

Barack Obama ordered around 2,000 deaths via drone strike over the course of his time in the Oval Office. However, President Obama maintains to this day that it wasn’t until after the strikes had been carried out that Harrison Ford revealed to him that the “simulated enemies” were real Pakistani citizens all along.

9. Andrew Johnson – 2,004.0

During his presidency, Andrew Johnson ordered the execution of 4 conspirators involved in the Lincoln assassination, and then seemingly forgot Lincoln entirely when he did not one damn thing to stop over 2,000 lynchings and the rise of the Ku Klux Klan.

8. Franklin D Roosevelt – 30,004.0

It’s estimated that during World War II, Americans killed around 200,000 Nazis in total. Although, FDR personally only slew only about 30,000. He also annihilated his political opponents in a bunch of Presidential elections.

7. Joe Biden – 40,000.0

President Joe Biden, the soft-spoken everyman of Scranton, Pennsylvania, proved his commitment to the little guy by spending four years unabashedly funding the ongoing genocide in the West Bank, effectively footing the bill for the murder of 40,000 Palestinian men, women, and children during his term as President. Biden refused to learn his lesson, though, as he went on to ignore his constituents’ calls for ceasefire, notoriously fumbling what should have been an easy re-election.

6. Ronald Reagan – 90,000.0

Though Ronald Reagan may have been a decent public speaker, he was absolutely god-awful at listening, as The Gipper routinely ignored film critics, constituents, political advisors, and over 90,000 Americans dying from the AIDS virus.

5. George H.W. Bush – 160,050

On the campaign trail in 1988, Bush Senior famously claimed that he wanted to transform the United States into a “kinder, gentler nation,” and if the Gulf War represents the actions of that kinder, gentler nation, I would hate to see what the United States was like in 1988.

4. Lyndon B. Johnson – 340,001.0

Lyndon B. Johnson was relentless in his pursuit of victory in Vietnam, sending more US troops there than any other President. His efforts were successful, and the United States won the war in Vietnam, successfully preventing the domino effect from coming to fruition and eradicating Communism forever.*

*CITATION NEEDED.

3. Donald Trump – 350,000.0

Among Trump’s most notable achievements was horribly mismanaging the COVID-19 Pandemic during the last year of his presidency, which caused the deaths of about 350,000 US citizens before he left office. Now, obviously it would be a little bit unfair to accredit every single one of those deaths to former President Trump, so we’re going to be lenient and say five of them were not his fault. Unfortunately, Trump’s glorified terror attack on the Capitol during his final month in office cost exactly five American lives.

2. Richard Nixon – 500,000.0

Say what you want about Tricky Dick, but he was committed to winning the war in Vietnam, no matter how many innocent Cambodian lives he had to end to do it. His senseless killing paid off in the final years of his campaign, when he triumphantly lost the Vietnam War and then got his goofy ass ousted from public office. Nice going, Mr. President.

1. Harry S. Truman – 700,000.0

After causing so, so many innocent deaths in the Korean War, President Harry S. Truman decided his civilian-killing numbers weren’t quite up to snuff for a Commander-in-Chief, so he went on to order the dropping of the atomic bombs in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, cementing himself as the only person to ever use nuclear weapons in an armed conflict as well as the most bloodthirsty sack of shit to ever grace the Oval Office. Hail to the Chief(s), and may God save us all from the next one.

Report: Calvin’s Bladder Empty

CHAGRIN FALLS, Ohio — After relieving himself on everything that is actively disliked by large numbers of people, a local child, simply known as “Calvin” has reported that his bladder is now empty. The mischievous six-year-old confirmed his condition in a blog post on his website, UnauthorizedPiss.gov.

“The tank is officially empty,” Calvin’s blog starts. “I didn’t think it was possible, but I’ve peed on just about everything. Fords, Xboxs, political leaders, you name it, there’s been a request for me to drop my pants and pee on it. It’s been fun. I just hope everyone remembers not to tell my mom and dad about these unauthorized urinations, or I’ll be in big trouble.”

What started as a joke, became a golden, luke-warm ticket for Calvin as more and more “pee requests” trickled in. It’s a source of revenue, that while now cut-off, is of no concern to the young entrepreneur. 

“I’m six, I’ve got my whole life ahead of me to figure out how to make a living. Yeah, I would love to keep peeing on things, but that’s just not a realistic outlook,” Calvin relents in his blog. “I’ll tell you what I’m not going to do. I’m not going to sell out like the kid down the street, oh what’s his name, Chuck Brown? I think it’s Chuck Brown. That blockhead wants to be an insurance company mascot. What kid wants to sell insurance? Get your head in the clouds Chuck. You could be an astronaut, or a firefighter. I’d rather do math homework than ever be a mascot for insurance, whatever that is.”

A source close to Calvin, who chose to remain anonymous for this story, worries the young boy may have tarnished his image by peeing on things.

“Why do people need this young boy to pee on something they don’t like? Can’t they just dislike it in silence and not make their hate a part of their personality,” the anonymous tiger said in a phone call. “Calvin should be going on adventures and peeing on things for fun, not to send a message.”

At press time, Calvin reportedly was trying to work up a stream of urine while standing over Donald Trump as requested by the president-elect himself.