WASHINGTON — The Senate’s Health Secretary confirmation hearing for RFK Jr. hit a snag after it was revealed that he willingly allowed himself to be infected with the Las Plagas parasite while in Eastern Europe, congressional sources have confirmed.
“So there I was in rural Spain about to chow down on this dead wolf I found in a bear trap when suddenly I was carried off by these guys from a local men’s group called Los Illuminados. It was quite frightening until they told me I was going to be infected with a mind controlling parasite under the watchful eye of this fellow Saddler. Having hosted a parasite or two in my time, it actually sounded like a sweet deal,” said Kennedy. “I mean look at these guys! They’re super jacked, eat a healthy raw meat diet, and are staunchly anti-vax. Plus the promise of ascending to a new level of human evolution unlike the world has seen wasn’t too shabby either. Aside from my veins turning black, I feel pretty good.”
Senators on the confirmation panel were hesitant about Kennedy’s willingness to incubate a deadly parasite.
“While we appreciated Mr. Kennedy’s candor, that he would accept an otherwise unknown ancient insect to his body without thinking of any adverse effects is troubling considering he is being considered to oversee the nation’s public health. Plus the hearing is dragging out longer than it needs due to him constantly interrupting our questions by screaming random Spanish phrases,” said Senator Mike Crapo. “On the other hand, this ‘Lord Saddler’ who apparently controls the parasite, sounds like a strong leader with an aggressively loyal following, which is exactly what we need here in Washington. It’s unconventional, but he could be an agent of change.”
Los Illuminados leader Osmund Saddler was still surprised by how easy his plan to take over the world was unfolding.
“I knew humans were feeble, but this feels almost too good to be true. But he didn’t look all that right in the head anyway, and was far more receptive of our gift than that other Kennedy. And to think we built a whole fortress and amassed an army in case there’d be retaliation! Looks like I won’t have to recruit Pete Hegseth after all,” said Saddler. “At least Los Plagas took to him nicely. Our attempts to infect President Trump’s sons ended with the parasites dying within minutes.”
As of press time, Kennedy was confirmed in a 51-49 vote, despite a blade whipping parasite exploding out of his head during the confirmation hearing.
PITTSBURGH — End of year assessments at local engineering firm Riverhead Technologies have spilled into the new year, with ample ammo and health power-ups still available in the small antechamber outside of the big boss’s office, sources confirm.
“It’s not a boss fight, it’s a boss discussion,” said Alexis Hamilton, head of the company’s human resources department. “The big boss is expected to meet with every employee individually to assess their strengths and contributions to the company. Hoping to foster a fair and balanced environment, he has stocked his waiting room with different ammo types, as well as health and mana potions.”
Riverhead’s personnel have prepared for this encounter by running through rounds of pseudo-meetings against phantom versions of the big boss.
“I’ve been grinding experience for the past two months,” said Colin Herby from accounting. “I’ve seen good friends and colleagues lose this final boss fight, getting laid off as a result, so I’m bringing my A-game and packing my inventory full of regeneration potions and attack modifiers. I can kind of hear the battle theme from my desk, and it’s got me pumped.”
Longer-tenured employees revealed that the assessment consisted of multiple rounds, each of which has a faster, more intense musical score.
“I got to phase two last year but failed to predict the big boss’s new, advanced moveset,” said Kelly Montigue, a senior marketing manager. “Luckily I cashed in my corporate coins—which they gave us in lieu of a raise—on an extra life. By that point, I had memorized his attack pattern: compliment sandwich, invoice audits, then a ranged aerial attack. I finally cleared it and walked away with a gift basket full of pens, reusable water bottles, and a prestige token.”
At press time, the big boss’s assistant urges anyone waiting for their review to save their progress before entering the arena.
I didn’t intend for this to happen, but the first game I played from 2025 was about rich folks getting a lot of working-class people killed. It feels right.
As I’ve talked about before, indie revivals of “classic” survival horror are a dime a dozen, particularly on Steam. The worst of them play like their creators have never experienced any form of media besides old survival horror games, while the best – Signalis,Crow Country – manage to feel new despite their obvious inspirations.
Dead of Darkness, by solo German developer Markus Neuert, is somewhere closer to the top end of the scale. It initially comes off as a fan-made pixel “demake” of the original Resident Evil games, especially since you spend the first hour hunting for themed keys in a suspiciously familiar country mansion. I almost wrote it off as a simple imitation.
Once I escaped from the first area, DoD got more interesting. The map opens up, you start fighting some uniquely disturbing monsters, and the plot deepens, switching from a standard zombie thriller to a Lovecraftian family drama. (The basic premise, once you know more about it, would make for a hell of a Delta Green campaign.) At the same time, DoD never loses sight of its survival horror roots, which works both for and against it.
In 1985 England, private investigator Miles Windham receives a strange message from a doctor named Charles Graham. If Miles comes to Charles’ family home, Charles can provide Miles with new information about the suspicious accident that killed Miles’ daughter several years ago.
The Grahams’ estate is on the isolated Velvet Island in the Celtic Sea, where the family operates a private clinic. Miles arrives the next day, alongside a newly hired nurse named Olivia Greene, to discover that Charles is missing. Before Miles can investigate further, the estate is attacked by a horde of ghouls. Miles and Olivia are forced to fight for their lives, save who they can, and along the way, discover the secrets of Velvet Island.
If you’ve ever played an old-school survival horror game, you’ll be on comfortable ground with DoD from the start. It’s a top-down 2D shooter with sharply limited resources, so you have to pick your battles carefully. Even your knife eventually gets dull and has to be resharpened.
One of DoD’s big additions to the overall formula, since Miles is a detective, is an enhanced vision mode that highlights every interactive object around him. That lets you efficiently sweep an area for resources, files, and flavor text, including those that you might not otherwise think to check.
Miles also keeps track of specific information like keycodes in a Clues tab in your inventory screen, which you can combine with key items or use on objects in your environment. It’s not used as often as I’d like over the course of the game, but it adds some clever detail to what would otherwise be simple tab-A-into-slot-B puzzle mechanics.
The combat and inventory management aren’t as refined, as they’ve been ported straight across from the old ‘90s survival horror formula. You can’t shoot or reload while moving, so Miles is basically a mobile turret emplacement. Most of DoD’s combat is a matter of managing space, so you’ve got room to kill enemies before they can reach you.
You only have 8 inventory slots throughout the game, half of which you’ll usually have to devote to your weapons and ammunition. On your first run through DoD, you’ll end up doing a lot of relay races between your current objective and the closest item box.
In addition, many enemies and traps can inflict a variety of temporary status effects like poison, bleeding, or shock, each of which requires a separate, specific item to cure. In practice, it’s easier to just reload a save or wait out a status effect than actually bother to carry the right medical supplies. It’s the same kind of inventory micromanagement that was obnoxious in Signalis, let alone the first couple of Resident Evil games, and it hasn’t gotten any better since then.
You run into this sort of problem with many faux-retro survival horror games. They’ve deliberately carried forward some of the jank that characterized the genre in the ‘90s, despite 30 years of quality-of-life improvements, and you have to be comfortable with that in order to enjoy the experience.
DoD’s overall presentation is a harder pill to swallow, though. It’s got a lot going for it as a horror game, like some impressive monster design, a couple of good scares, a talented cast of voice actors, and a knack for environmental storytelling.
The problem is the graphics. DoD is good at communicating useful information at a glance, which is an underrated skill in game design, but the simplicity of its character design often works against the mood it’s trying to build. Every human character looks like a recycled sprite from Super Dodge Ball, which can’t help but remind me of 2000s-era webcomics. Some scenes are just as disturbing as they’re meant to be, particularly the special animations that play whenever Miles dies, but I still found myself laughing at the wrong times.
I’ve got my issues with Dead of Darkness, but there’s just as much good as bad here. It’s challenging, ambitious, and well-written. The game ends on a blatant sequel hook, and there’s enough potential in both the design and setting that I’d be genuinely interested in seeing what Neuert could do with a follow-up. If he and his team get the chance to refine their approach, especially with more elaborate sprites, this could be the start of a solid horror franchise.
[Dead of Darkness, published and developed by Retrofiction Games, is now available for PlayStation 4&5, Xbox Series X|S, Xbox One, Nintendo Switch, and Steam for $15.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by Retrofiction Games.]
PACIFIC OCEAN— Video game protagonist Ecco the Dolphin had his adventure cut short when he found himself snagged in a tuna net, sources report.
“I had just sent Ecco off to the sunken ruins of Atlantis to retrieve the orbs I need to aid him on his quest, and he just disappeared above the water’s surface,” said the Asterite, an ancient marine life form. “Apparently a boat full of humans accidentally caught him in one of their tuna nets, which really sucks because we need Ecco if we’re going to defeat the Vortex and prevent them from depleting our oceans of their resources. I haven’t even given him the ability to regenerate lost health yet. This is an absolute disaster.”
Fisherman Zeke Barton reacted to the accidental catch.
“While we’re clearly out here to catch tuna, accidents can happen,” Barton admitted. “We sometimes bring up dolphins in our nets by mistake, but this one in particular looks pretty special. Before we brought him to the surface, we could see him swimming with these short bursts of speed and ramming into these gnarly-looking jellyfish. It seemed like he was up to something important. Maybe it has to do with that giant waterspout that occurred earlier. Come to think of it, we haven’t seen any tuna around since that happened. I’d better free him so he can get back in the water and save the ocean.”
Zoologist Kira Corcoran weighed in on the situation.
“Humans are often interfering with the adventures of animal video game characters,” Corcoran mentioned. “I’m always encountering tragic stories in my case studies, such as the time Funky Kong was shot by poachers who had snuck into Donkey Kong Country, as well as when Sonic the Hedgehog was struck by some maniac who had driven his Subaru onto Green Hill Zone. Video games are pretty similar to the world we inhabit, in that everything would be much better if humans weren’t there to tamper with nature.”
At press time, Ecco had been freed from the tuna net, only to be sickened by an oil spill from a nearby tanker.
REDMOND, Wash — With their beloved company mascot turning 40 this year, Nintendo has revealed that Mario recently went into his gastroenterologist’s office for his first colonoscopy, and the goomba-stomping protagonist says he’s “never felt-a better” post-procedure, according to reports.
“As the Mario brothers age, we want to ensure that they remain in good health.” said current Nintendo global president and CEO Shuntaro Furukawa. “As you may be aware, it is important for all men over the age of 40 to receive a colonoscopy as the risk of colon cancer and other serious illnesses increases. And that includes everyone’s favorite Italian plumbers! They want to spread the message that we should all be getting our ‘pipes’ checked…my apologies for the crude expression.”
While Mario was apparently in a bit of a daze from the anesthesia after waking up from the exam, the results were all clear and his digestive system is in great health, per sources within the UW Medical Center.
“I’m pleased to report that Mario is doing just fine,” Dr. Sheldon, MD told the press. “We found no abnormalities in the digestive tract. He eats a lot of Italian cured meats and cheeses in addition to all of those mushrooms and fire flowers, which makes him pretty gassy from time to time, but hey, farting is good for you, I always say!”
Other company executives, including Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser, offered their reactions to the good news.
“This is so great for business – um, I mean, for Mario, of course.” Bowser said in a statement. “It’s heartening to know that he still has a bright future ahead of him even after all his years of making our company proud. And he’s doing his part to associate us with men’s health, which is just so overlooked usually, you know? It’s a really positive development for Nintendo- uh, for men all across the globe, who will hopefully be inspired to get themselves checked.”
At press time, other famous Nintendo characters from Donkey Kong to Wario were spotted sitting in the GI’s waiting room, while Mario’s brother Luigi was apparently on a heated phone call with his health insurance provider.
PHILADELPHIA — Resident Marvel fan Steven Gooner has gone public about the embarrassing issues with noisy neighbors plaguing his Center City apartment complex.
In an effort to one up his loud upstairs neighbors, he spoke out with a megaphone in front of City Hall, before a crowd of confused onlookers.
“Nearly 250 years ago, our Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution right here, in this very municipality. It is an absolute travesty that they neglected to ratify the inalienable right to morbin’ time in your own private domicile, without being disrupted by the sounds of clobberin’ time coming from your neighbor’s domicile! If we’re endowed with the right to discreetly purchase AK-47s from gun shows without any sort of background checks, then why can’t we have the right to discreetly shoot something else?”
Before anyone in the crowd could point out that the Founding Fathers had died over a century before Stan Lee’s birth, or that the right to privacy is already a thing, Gooner continued to bemoaned his lack of success connecting with other sincere, earnest fans of the 2022 Marvel film Morbius
“Look, I feel for the guy,” attested an onlooker of the crowd to an Action News anchor, “I’ve been pretty lonely for the past couple years myself, since the pandemic. But the movie has a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes. Unless he ups and joins Jared Leto’s cult, he’s gonna have a hard time finding other likeminded people.”
Though the demonstration garnered confusion and laughter, Steven’s mom Geraldine was elated to see her son get out more.
“The boy’s confided in me about his fear of dying alone, and he very well still could, but it heartens me to see him out and about. Used to spend every waking moment buried in his forums and comment sections, now he’s making the whole damn world his comment section! Maybe one day, he’ll bring home a date that’s not his left hand.”
At press time, Shameik Moore has reportedly expressed relief over no longer having the most embarrassing Marvel headline in the news cycle.
BOCA CHICA, Texas — After climbing the Diablo IV and Path of Exile 2 leaderboards, Elon Musk is now claiming that he also holds the high score in Donkey Kong, dethroning the previous record holder, Billy Mitchell.
The tech CEO and pro gamer doubled down on these claims while playing the arcade classic on a Twitch stream earlier this week.
“You all act like this is hard. Anyone with a small allotment of time can jump over enough of these little brown circles and get the high score,” Musk said as he completely ignored the hammer and continued up toward Donkey Kong. “Hammer? The hammer’s for phonies like Billy who want to pad their score without putting the work in.”
Mitchell did not take Musk’s insults lightly and took to his own Twitch stream to respond to Musk’s anti-hammer hubris.
“‘Hammers are for score padders’ what the hell is he talking about? There’s no way he did this without emulation or someone playing for him,” Mitchell said in his stream between ad breaks featuring his hot sauce. “If he can prove to me that he broke the record without emulation or the help of an actual gamer, I’ll give him a lifetime supply of Rickey’s World Famous Hot Sauce.”
Not taking the bait, Musk responded immediately with another stream.
“Billy Mitchell can hardly break records, what does he know about hot sauce? Sit down, Billy before I buy your shitty restaurant chain and burn it down,” Musk said staring into the screen. “Yeah, so what if I used an emulator and hired Steve Wiebe to play a few screens for me? You gonna cry Billy? What kind of man goes by Billy? You’re old. Just go by Bill or William, you pedophile.”
At press time, Musk was pondering getting into speedrunning games and started making a list of speedrunners and how much they would cost to hire.
The passing of David Lynch is undeniably a huge loss for the world of cinema. With classics like ‘Eraserhead’ and ‘Mulholland Drive,’ he cemented himself as the surrealist. A true iconoclast. He will be missed.
To honor his legacy, I decided to rewatch one of his most renowned works, ‘Twin Peaks.’ I plan to get a few episodes into Season 2 before I completely give up on it and turn it off, just like David would have wanted.
Don’t get me wrong, Season 1 of ‘Twin Peaks’ is iconic. Rewatching it feels downright dreamlike. It makes me crave cherry pie from the Double R Diner and yearn for a time when teenagers could seemingly skip high school for weeks at a time as they investigated a supernatural murder. Of course, I’m still fast-forwarding through every scene where James is just brooding on a motorcycle.
But Season 2 after Laura Palmer’s killer is revealed is pretty much unwatchable. David said it himself: “The second season sucked.” I’m not a hater, it’s just the truth.
So instead of finishing all 22 episodes of that drawn-out madness, I’ve decided I’ll just drink some black coffee and smoke a few hundred cigarettes. I might even carry around a log for a little bit and stare at pictures of owls.
That would definitely mean more to David than relearning who the fuck Windom Earle is. What does that weirdo have to do with Laura Palmer again? I can’t remember, and I refuse to learn. Also, I vaguely recall that he kidnaps that douchebag Leo, who somehow fell out of a coma I think? I couldn’t keep up the first time I watched it, nor will I attempt to do so now.
There is absolutely no way David would want me to spend any time thinking about why Big Ed’s wife Nadine suddenly gains super strength after her accident, or why she starts dating a high schooler. Also, was Catherine impersonating a Japanese businessman really necessary? I still remember the audible “what the hell” I muttered when I saw that. It would just be cruel to put myself through that again, let alone the Season 2 James-Evelyn Marsh subplot…
For now I’ll skip to Twin Peaks: The Return since I’ve heard good things. I think David would agree with this decision. I’ll have my doppelganger fill me in on anything I missed along the way.
The passing of David Lynch is undeniably a huge loss for the world of cinema. With classics like ‘Eraserhead’ and ‘Mulholland Drive,’ he cemented himself as the surrealist. A true iconoclast. He will be missed.
To honor his legacy, I decided to rewatch one of his most renowned works, ‘Twin Peaks.’ I plan to get a few episodes into Season 2 before I completely give up on it and turn it off, just like David would have wanted.
Don’t get me wrong, Season 1 of ‘Twin Peaks’ is iconic. Rewatching it feels downright dreamlike. It makes me crave cherry pie from the Double R Diner and yearn for a time when teenagers could seemingly skip high school for weeks at a time as they investigated a supernatural murder. Of course, I’m still fast-forwarding through every scene where James is just brooding on a motorcycle.
But Season 2 after Laura Palmer’s killer is revealed is pretty much unwatchable. David said it himself: “The second season sucked.” I’m not a hater, it’s just the truth.
So instead of finishing all 22 episodes of that drawn-out madness, I’ve decided I’ll just drink some black coffee and smoke a few hundred cigarettes. I might even carry around a log for a little bit and stare at pictures of owls.
That would definitely mean more to David than relearning who the fuck Windom Earle is. What does that weirdo have to do with Laura Palmer again? I can’t remember, and I refuse to learn. Also, I vaguely recall that he kidnaps that douchebag Leo, who somehow fell out of a coma I think? I couldn’t keep up the first time I watched it, nor will I attempt to do so now.
There is absolutely no way David would want me to spend any time thinking about why Big Ed’s wife Nadine suddenly gains super strength after her accident, or why she starts dating a high schooler. Also, was Catherine impersonating a Japanese businessman really necessary? I still remember the audible “what the hell” I muttered when I saw that. It would just be cruel to put myself through that again, let alone the Season 2 James-Evelyn Marsh subplot…
For now I’ll skip to Twin Peaks: The Return since I’ve heard good things. I think David would agree with this decision. I’ll have my doppelganger fill me in on anything I missed along the way.
WASHINGTON — The US Food and Drug Administration is banning the use of Red Dye No. 3 in food, drinks, and medication, after President Donald Trump mutated into the Red Hulk due to over indulging in the carcinogenic dye.
“We’re monitoring Mr. Trump’s condition and are pleased to announce he has never been healthier!” Sean Conely, Trump’s primary physician, told reporters. “What began as a perfectly normal candy corn habit in October, has healthfully progressed into a gamma-esque radiation mutation, but don’t be alarmed! The President has assured me he has never felt better.”
Just days into his presidency, Trump has grown to the size of a regular Hulk, while retaining all the mental capacity needed to govern one of the most powerful countries on Earth.
“I actually have a great relationship with Mr. Hulk,” said Trump during a tangent answering a question about inflation. “Many people are surprised when I say that, but he came up to me one day, big guy, strong guy, tears in his eyes, he said to me ‘Mr. Trump’ – I wasn’t President at the time or he would’ve called me President Trump – he said ‘Mr. Trump, Hulk smash,’ and I’ll never forget it, that’s what he said to me, true story.”
The FDA’s decision to ban the dye is on the heels of Trump’s Department of Health Secretary, Robert Kennedy Jr., calling for the removal of all dyes in food, drinks, medicine, and hair products.
“The color red is a noble color, reserved for things like the humble tomato, ripe red peppers, and the blood of slain whales and bears,” said RFK Jr. unprompted during his Senate confirmation hearing. “These food dyes allow disgusting, processed garbage to masquerade as ‘strawberry milk.’ What even is strawberry milk? I’ve never seen a strawberry’s nipples despite years of searching, have you?”
At press time, President Red Hulk has assured the American people he will only transform during the incredibly rare occurrence of getting angry.
