Resolution to Quit Smoking Immediately Fails With Mad Men Rewatch

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

ASTORIA, NY— Contrary to his investment in nicotine gum and promises to his loved ones, local man, Conor Wyles, postponed his plans to quit smoking after streaming the first season of “Mad Men.”

“I’m not a New Years resolution guy, but with cigarettes being $19 now, it was time to quit. I’ve been trying for a while, but it’s already been a rough year, just the cultural conflicts and political turmoil, it’s a lot like the 1960s,” said Wyles while loosening a skinny tie to light up with a vintage Korean War army-issue lighter. “Did you know that in Greek, literally means pain from an old wound. This [cigarette] isn’t a space ship, it’s a time machine. It goes backwards, forwards. It takes us to a place where we ache to go again. Like a carousel.”

Wyles’ romantic attachment to smoking has drawn concern from his loved ones.

“It’s 2025, who smokes anymore? It’s disgusting. I’m obviously worried about his health, I want to spend many more years revisiting prestige TV shows with Conor. I just wish he wasn’t so impressionable” said Wyle’s Fiance Lucy Yokoi while spraying Febreeze on her couch. “We just finished ‘The Sopranos,’ I appreciated him cooking baked ziti, but I could do without being called a stunad when I called him out on his casual racism.”

According to experts, what’s happened to Wyles is not an uncommon phenomenon.

“The negative influence of media is a common lightning rod for politicians looking to make a name for themselves, from congressional hearings over horror comic books in the 1950s to the violent video game uproar of the 1990s, but research proves time and again that the media does not cause negative effects in children” said University of Virginia Psychologist Dr. Marilyn Alexander. “However, men of a certain age are highly suggestible to take on the affectations of aspirational characters, known in psychiatry circles as ’The Lebowski Effect’ wherein a man will order White Russians for two weeks after watching ’The Big Lebowski.’

At press time, Wyles couldn’t be reached for comment, but according to his Amazon Prime account he just completed the episode where Harry Crane smoked pot and ate 20 White Castle sliders by himself.

Shang Tsung Starting To Think That Last Soul Not Sitting Right

Posted on by Steve Packosky

EARTHREALM — Powerful sorcerer and host of Mortal Kombat Shang Tsung found himself experiencing digestive irritation following his absorption of the soul of a defeated fighter, sources report.

“It’s the first day of the tournament, so there have been a lot of fights over the past few hours,” Shang Tsung groaned while clutching his stomach. “I knew I was in for a rough afternoon when I felt full after the third fight. The last loser was just some random Muay Thai expert from Colorado, and I really should not have indulged because I’ve already absorbed the souls of countless fighters just like him, but I just couldn’t resist. I’m really regretting it now.”

Shang Tsung’s chief ally and Prince of the Shokan Goro reflected on his friend’s stomach troubles.

“I told Shang Tsung to take it easy, but he obviously didn’t listen,” Goro reflected. “This happens every tournament, so I’m starting to think he completely forgets how miserable overconsumption makes him. If past years are any indication, he’s going to be up all night vomiting and shitting his brains out. He’ll get better as the fighters thin out tomorrow, but he needs to take it easy for now. Honestly, I’m concerned how this will affect his performance if he needs to fight. There’s this new guy here named Liu Kang who looks pretty formidable. He’d have to go through me first, so obviously I’m not terribly worried, but you never know.”

Gastroenterologist Kira Campillai weighed in on the situation.

“Video game players don’t often think about the effect their favorite characters’ diets have on their guts, but it’s very common for them to experience distress,” Campillai said. “I’ve had Kirby in my office countless times, and Alucard consistently finds himself suffering after eating turkey and pudding he finds in the walls of his father’s castle. My advice to Shang Tsung is to exhibit self-control going forward, and maybe accompany his soul absorption with a kombucha or some kimchi.”

At press time, Shang Tsung’s condition worsened after he was accidentally struck in the stomach by a stray lightning bolt from Raiden.

Elon Musk’s White House Office Revealed to be Just a Ball Pit

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

WASHINGTON — The office Elon Musk has been given inside of the second Trump White House is reported to have been retrofitted to function as a ball pit.

Chief of Staff Susie Wiles says the ball pit was installed at Musk’s personal request.

“He told us that he works better when he can pretend he’s at a McDonald’s PlayPlace, or Chuck E. Cheese,” Wiles told the press. “So far all I’ve seen him do in there is laugh at memes he’s stolen and reposted on his X – The Everything App account, scream at someone on the phone about why it’s taking so long for his latest Path of Exile II hardcore character to be ready for him to use, and ask every staffer who walks by if they’d like to, ‘fondle his balls’.”

Posting on X – The Everything App, Musk insisted whatever he’s doing in his new office is in the official capacity of the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE.

“Those infected by the Woke Mind Virus will believe any lie they’re told by the Deep State!🤣🤣🤣,” Musk wrote, “It’s not a ‘ball pit’, it’s a revolutionary office layout that’s been designed to maximize the most hardcore results when you’re literally saving the planet, like I am. First they said I wasn’t actually that smart, and that every success I’ve had in life was due to having the capital to make up for my lack of any real talent! Then they said ‘Oh, Elon is a Nazi!’ because I threw my heart out to the crowd during the inauguration. Sorry, but how many Nazis do you know who have ever set foot in Auschwitz? No Nazis have ever been there! Suddenly believing and saying all the things that Nazis say and believe makes you a Nazi, but that is just so ignorant. Wearing those really cool uniforms, that’s what makes you a Nazi.”

President Trump, who has been busy making good on his promise to improve the lives of Americans by renaming the “Gulf of Mexico” to the “Gulf of America”, and pardoning everyone who illegally stormed the Capitol spoke in defense of Musk at his most recent rally.

“Elon is a great guy. We love Elon, don’t we folks? That’s why we gave him those balls. They’re wonderful, very colorful, let me tell you. He said he hoped it might make his kids visit – why the hell would he want that- I don’t know. I can’t seem to get rid of my own kids! But we love this little thing called money. And that’s what it’s about, isn’t it folks?” Trump said between riffs. “And now these radical leftists, fascist, Marxist, Democrats are saying he’s a Nazi, folks, can you- richest man –even richer than me if you can believe it– is a Nazi! Frankly, I don’t know if there ever was a thing called a ‘Nazi’. The whole “Holocaust” thing sounds like it was made up by George Soros to impose his radical leftist agenda.”

At press time, Musk was trying to fish his phone from the bottom of the ballpit in his office so he could post another “kek” for his “frens”.

For No Reason in Particular Here’s a Bunch of Games Where You Kill Nazis

Posted on by Matt Fresh

The Nazis are the most despicable scum to ever walk the face of the earth. Thankfully they were defeated in World War 2 and have been extinct ever since. Yep, that was the end of them. They were handedly defeated and have stayed dead. They certainly haven’t been festering in the shadows for decades, infiltrating all facets of society and corrupting everything until the Nazi belief system became openly popular among people, mostly men, who have never been able to reckon with the real reasons no one likes them and they’ve never experienced what it’s like for a single human being to ever truly love them.

What a crazy thing that would be, certainly way too outlandish to ever be plausible because like I said the Nazis have been extinct since basically the entire world beat the shit out of them because they were widely recognized as the clear bad guys of modern history. They’re dead and never coming back. And they certainly won’t end up controlling the American government after the American people elect an openly fascist administration who employs people who openly sieg heil on a national stage with no repercussions. Where would you get that insane idea?

Anyway, for no reason in particular, here’s a list of games where you get to kill Nazis because killing Nazis is fun and has been since at least 1939.

Various Call of Dutys

Once upon a time, before the Nazi killing was reserved for online lobbies, Call of Duty had games take place in World War 2. These games let you kill Nazis in glorious Michael Bay-like set pieces and if there’s anything better than killing Nazis, it’s killing hundreds of them in glorious explosions for 7 hours straight. And if you wanted more you could kill all the Nazis again in Nazi Zombie mode.

Various Medal of Honors

Before there was Call of Duty, there was Medal of Honor and frankly it’s a shame that Call of Duty won out because Medal of Honor was awesome. Spearheaded by Steven Spielberg himself, the Medal of Honor games were absolute gems with good stories, good level design and most importantly, lots of Nazi killing.

Indiana Jones and the Great Circle

You know what’s better than shooting Nazis to death? Beating them to death with any blunt object you can find. You know what’s even better than that? Beating them to death with your bare hands. Those are all things that you can do in Indiana Jones and the Great Circle and it is glorious.

The Saboteur

The Saboteur is a cool game where you play as a cool Irishman who helps fight back against the Nazi occupation of Paris. Not only do you kill tons of Nazis in this but you also completely disrupt their operations and that’s a nice little cherry on top. And since this takes place in 1940s France, the soundtrack consists solely of old jazz songs and that’s extra cool. Killing Nazis is sweet but killing them to the sultry tunes of Ella Fitzgerald, that’s pure bliss.

South Park: The Stick of Truth

Despite being a turn based RPG where all the kids are playing a fantasy LARP, South Park: The Stick of Truth still has the decency to include Nazi zombies for you to kill and fart on. Say what you want about Matt and Trey but even they know that every game genre and setting is improved when you include the ability to kill Nazis.

Every Competitive Multiplayer Game

If you are playing a video online against other gamers, it doesn’t matter what you are playing, you’re eventually going to be placed in a match where someone on the other team (and let’s face it, your team) is a Nazi.

Sniper Elite

The Sniper Elite games are a gift to this world because they understand that the only thing more satisfying than shooting a Nazi in the balls is watching the bullet tear through their tiny tesitcles in glorious slow motion x-ray vision.

Zombie Army

Speaking of Sniper Elite, unlike those cowards making Call of Duty, the people making Sniper Elite were smart enough to realize that killing Nazi zombies should not be relegated to an extra mode, there should be four full games dedicated to it.

Captain America Super Soldier

Released as the movie tie-in to Captain America: The First Avenger, this game is essentially a clone of Batman: Arkham Asylum except instead of beating up thugs from New Jersey as Batman, you’re beating up Nazis as Captain America. Because that’s what real patriots do, they beat the shit out of Nazis.

Bloodrayne

Before there was Bayonetta, there was Bloodrayne. These two hack n’ slash hotties have a couple key differences. For one, Bayonetta is a witch, Bloodrayne is a vampire. Bayonetta has glasses, Bloodrayne is a red head and unfortunately neither of them have both of those characteristics. But the main difference is Bayonetta kills demons and Bloodrayne kills Nazis. This makes Bloodrayne better by default.

Company of Heroes

So what if the Nazis are teeny tiny in COH, aren’t all Nazis teeny tiny. I can’t right click those fucks to death fast enough. The only thing worse than a Nazi is Company of Heroes 2.

Wolfenstein

The cream of the crop when it comes to Nazi killing games. You can’t go wrong with any of the Wolfenstein games. In fact you should just play them all. This series essentially created the first person shooter genre. That’s right, FPS games, like all good things, were born out of the act of killing Nazis. Go kill robot Hitler in Wolfenstein 3D. Go slaughter every Nazi in sight when you Return to Castle Wolfenstein. Go disintegrate Nazis into piles of goo in the underrated Wolfenstein from 2009. Become the ultimate Nazi killing machine in Wolfenstein: The New Order and Wolfenstein: The New Colossus. B.J. Blaskowitz is the greatest hero in the history of the universe because he has only one goal, one purpose, one function, and that’s to ruthlessly slaughter Nazis.

Path of Exile 2

There is PvP in Path of Exile 2 and at least one known Nazi player. Go ahead and kill him when his Boosting Ground worker is off the clock.

Trump Presidency 2 Fails To Fix Stick Drift

Posted on by Garry Kerls

PASADENA, Calif. — After eight long years, the wait for a second Trump Presidency is finally over. But as the Commander-in-chief eases his way into the most powerful position in American politics, eagle-eyed Trump fans have noticed the 78 year old man is still drifting forward, a defect that was expected to be fixed in this second iteration.

“Look at this tilt!” says MAGA supporter, Turk Mendelsen, holding a protractor up to a recent image of Trump meeting with California Governor Gavin Newsom. “That’s a 15 degree tilt. Now compare that to this image of Trump in 2017 giving a totally hinged press conference on the White House lawn. It’s the exact same bias! This was supposed to be a new and improved presidency, not the exact same. Who could have seen this coming?”

This noticeable drift isn’t the only abnormality Americans expected to be fixed in the four years since Trump was last in office. A major complaint regarding Trump’s first term was the amount of time he actually spent in office, an issue that seems to have had no influence on Trump’s first week of his second term.

“President Trump signed over 100 executive orders on day one,” says White House Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles. “And to him that accounts for 100 days in office, so naturally he’ll be spending the next three months on the golf course.”

Disappointed Republicans are still giving Trump the benefit of the doubt, while Democrats lament any thoughts they had that this next gen administration would be any different.

“You can’t just slap a coat of black paint on a MAGA hat and sell it to us for $500!” Representative ​​Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez told viewers during a white wine fueled rant on Instagram live. “And the magnets! Give me a break about magnets, it’s literally the least they could’ve done.”

At press time, under Joe Rogan’s advice President Trump has begun applying WD-40 to his hips and knees in an attempt to fix his drifting.

Ketamine Distances Self From Elon Musk

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

BERLIN — Emphasizing that it supports peace, love, unity, and respect, the drug ketamine has publicly distanced itself from Elon Musk, a well known user of the substance, sources confirmed. 

“I do not agree with the politics of Elon or condone his recent erratic behavior. In fact, I consider him a danger to our country and its health,” said the horse tranquilizer commonly taken at raves, noting that Elon’s rhetoric and actions in the past few months were “unrelated to his use of me.”

 “Some forms of myself are literally FDA approved now.  Sure, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but that doesn’t make me inherently bad. Elon’s X, on the other hand, is completely toxic and unregulated. If you ask me, we should make that addictive scourge a Schedule III drug and bump me down a few levels.”

Fans of the drug were eager to back up ketamine’s statement.

“I’ve been with K a long time,” said Randall Landry, 36. “I can’t think of a single time I saw it with Elon. I would definitely remember something like that. It’s not something you’d easily forget, like what you had for lunch today, or the name of the person you’re dancing with, or how you got  back home from the afters you were at.” 

One Musk biographer disagreed with ketamine’s argument.

“We can see a distinct change in Elon’s behavior that started precisely when he began taking therapeutic doses of ketamine,” said Andrew Saxon, author of “K-Hole to Mars: South Africa’s Greatest Genius.” “He’s always been among the smartest individuals ever born, as evidenced by his brilliant idea of forcing Tesla to add his name to the list of founders despite the fact that all he did was invest some of his Paypal buyout long after the company was created.” 

“Ketamine helped open his third eye, allowing him to see that he, the richest man in the history of the planet, was actually being unjustly oppressed by disenfranchised and vulnerable minorities. Without Special K, Elon may never have turned his attention away from fighting climate change and towards defeating the woke mind virus. The world should be grateful for ketamine’s contributions to the nascent Terran Empire.”

At press time, cocaine released a statement enthusiastically endorsing its “good friend” Donald Trump, Jr.

Report: Your Roommate Who Played “Return of the Obra Dinn” Also Really Enjoys Filing Taxes

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

PHILADELPHIA — A new report has found that your roommate, who recently played and thoroughly enjoyed the indie puzzle game “Return of the Obra Dinn,” is also quite fond of filing his federal, state and local taxes once April rolls around. 

“Solving the identities of all these various crew members and logging them down in the game’s notebook gives me the exact same kind of rush as logging onto H&R Block’s website and submitting my W-2 and 1099 forms,” your roommate, Jake Hughes, said in a statement. “Everything in order, in its right place, submitted and accounted for. Who knew gaming could be this much fun?” 

Lucas Pope, creator of “Return of the Obra Dinn,” confirmed to the press that the game was made specifically for people like Jake. 

“After the success of my first major game, ‘Papers, Please,’ which was considered the world’s first ‘immigration-themed’ video game, I really wanted to continue exploring the ‘writing things down and filing them’ genre, which I felt there was a lot of potential in.” said Pope. “It’s a bit like doing your taxes, another activity I get a lot of fulfillment and enjoyment out of, and know a lot of other people do too. Writing things down, organizing information into categories, identifying people – what a rush! In order to suck in other people who might be disinterested by that at first, I disguised the tax-esque gameplay with a swashbuckling story about kraken, murder and mutiny. But all of that comes second, in my mind.” 

In speaking with a representative from the IRS, he offered his appreciation of the game and its fans, like your roommate. 

“Oh, Jake? Yeah, I love that guy. I think he beat ‘Return of the Obra Dinn’ like three separate times.” IRS agent Dave Binder told reporters. “We find that the further people get through ‘Return of the Obra Dinn’, the better they are at filing their taxes correctly. Those who get the true ending, revealing the fates of the final crew members, are always timely with their submissions, too, while those who gave up 75% of the way through typically go to jail.”

At press time, your roommate was observed scribbling down notes in his little notepad on the couch as he crossed off possible identities of crew members in-game, getting visibly excited as he turned a new page. 

Top 20 Games Likely to Be Banned by Executive Order

Posted on by Kate Danvers

With executive orders dropping faster than a SpaceX vehicle after “rapid unscheduled disassembly”, it isn’t long before we’ll begin to see games being banned. Already, some measures taken by President Trump could be interpreted as laying the groundwork to ban a few notable games. In other cases, doom is all but assured based on comments made by either Trump himself, or those in his cabinet. You may want to play some of these before they’re gone. 

20. Plague Inc: Evolved

With federal health agencies putting a pause on all communication, the Trump Administration may be signaling further steps toward eliminating vaccines. Secretary of Health and Human Services and roadkill enthusiast Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has long been a vaccine skeptic, so a game about epidemiology and vaccines might not sit well with him. We tried to reach Kennedy for comment, but when the reporter we sent returned, she wouldn’t show us her phone. 

19. Alan Wake

While the game finally got a sequel after thirteen years, the Alan Wake franchise may be an early casualty in the President’s War On Woke. If Wake is woke then he might as well stay in the lake. Maybe in another thirteen years, Alan.

18. The Insomniac Spider-Man games

The game series that has featured Pride flags, the historic Stonewall Inn, and queer relationships might seem like it’s on the danger list for those things alone, but sources tell us it’s actually because neither game featured Trump Tower. The second largest building in downtown Manhattan [citation needed].

17. Hitman

Agent 47 should find an exit soon, because his assassination days may be coming to an end. It’s not the violence, suggestive themes, or drug use in the game that will be its undoing, rather President Trump has pardoned all of Agent 47’s targets.

16. Fortnite and Epic Games

Unfortunately for Fortnite players, 35% of Epic Games is owned by Chinese company Tencent, and as we learned from the TikTok fiasco, Chinese companies having access to the data of children is a big no-no. Additionally, Tencent was recently added to a watchlist of companies allegedly working with China’s military. It’s only a matter of time before they and Epic Games are forced to stop operations in the United States.

Update: We’ve been told Tencent having access to user metrics and credit card data is perfectly acceptable. When asked what the difference is between them and TikTok’s parent company ByteDance, the source declined to comment.

15. Bad Dudes

Bad news, bad dudes, bad dudettes, and non-dudenary badasses, President Trump doesn’t like the insinuation that he could easily be kidnapped by ninjas. It’s a shame to see all of those jobs lost in the Bad Dudes sector, but if the President thinks he’s got it covered, he must have it covered.

14. Cities: Skylines

We aren’t sure what’s so objectionable about these games, we just know President Trump went on a lengthy tirade when he saw the above screenshot. 

13. Elden Ring

A White House memo only read, “Who has a terrible build now, fucking nerds? DOGE 4 LYFE!”

12. Who’s Your Daddy?

A game promoting stay at home dads, non-traditional gender roles, and alternative parenting is sure to be the target of an overreaching executive order. You can’t just have a game about a dad leaving an unattended baby on the stovetop or force-feeding them fruit when they’ve gotten into the cleaning supplies – that’s women’s work.

11. Luigi’s Mansion series

In the interest of protecting the nation’s CEOs, Trump will probably sign an executive order stripping Luigi of all of his assets. Such a pity – many people were hoping 2025 would be the Year of Luigi.

10. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

This one is a little confusing, but the White House seems to be looking to have Phoenix Wright and Apollo Justice disbarred and prosecuted for their part in “sham trials”. Maybe President Trump believes Wright and Justice were part of President Biden’s DOJ or defended Hunter Biden? The executive order also refers to Athena Cykes as a “nasty woman”.

9. Bloodborne

Again, not much objection to the actual content of the game or any alleged “wokeness”. White House aides only said Trump was looking to “eliminate bloodbornes (sic) with an injection of ultraviolet light and bleach”.

8. The Legend of Zelda series

Likely to be banned once Trump learns about Wallmasters and assumes the games are poking fun at him. He’ll then sign the executive order with his tiny, tiny hands.

7. Social Justice Warriors

The reason for this game being banned may seem obvious at first, but it’s actually because it contains an outdated reference to Twitter’s original 140 character limit. If that’s patched to 240 characters, it might get a pass. Though, the only people playing it will be bots.

6. Subnautica

With so many billionaires in charge of the country now, they probably don’t want to be reminded of submarines or being underwater.

5. Transformers series

There has been a long debate over whether robots in the Transformers franchise even have a concept of gender. While the recent executive order on government-recognized genders could settle that debate, it’s likely any games in this franchise would be banned simply for having the word “trans” in the title.

Well, they would if Transformers: Reactivate hadn’t been canceled and nearly every other game in the history of the brand had been delisted because of licensing rights.

4. Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War

Republicans probably don’t want us looking too closely at what Ronald Reagan got up to during his presidency. Then again, we’re well past the point where anyone in America has even the slightest amount of shame. Just look at number 2 on this list. 

Hehe, “number 2.”

3. Super Lesbian Animal RPG

From transgender characters to lesbians to furries to women having any sort of agency or worth, this cute RPG is destined for a badly scribbled executive order. Heck, the ones already signed pretty much eliminate it. 

2. Any game with couch co-op

According to the White House press release, Vice President J.D. Vance is a man of traditional values and would never engage in or promote a threesome. 

1. Wolfenstein 3D

Do we even need to say it?

Opinion: It’s Actually Kind of Ridiculous That Raccoon City Police Would Bother to Cite Me for Public Masturbation

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Okay, I fully admit I’m in the wrong here, but there’s just been a lot going on lately and I needed a way to release tension. You can understand that, right? I’m not a bad person, and I’m willing to face the consequences of my actions. It’s just that, if I’m being completely honest, it’s kind of ridiculous that the Raccoon City Police would even bother to cite me for public masturbation.

You get where I’m coming from?

Look, I’m not making excuses. Ultimately, this is nobody’s fault but mine. It was a stupid mistake, and absolutely not something I would have done had I known there were sentient beings outside the Carnegie Love Delicatessen where I ultimately got caught. I mean, I’m not a pervert. Go ahead and check my record. I’ve never so much as received a parking ticket before, and I volunteer at the Raccoon City Public Library on Sundays.

Er, at least, I used to volunteer at the library.

How was I supposed to know there would be a huge, fiery accident involving an eighteen-wheeler and a cop car right where I happened to be masturbating? It’s a wonder I wasn’t hurt, and frankly, the officer who cited me should have checked me for injuries (or at least offered me a green herb) before issuing the ticket for indecent exposure and public lewdness. He may have been “doing me a favor” by not locking me up for the night (his words, not mine), but I truly think he just had his hands full with all these zombies stumbling around.

Also, $620?! That’s insane. And where am I even supposed to surrender myself with payment? I can’t imagine anyone is still working at the precinct, and anyway, that place is an incomprehensible nightmare labyrinth. I’ll be lucky if I make it to the front desk, let alone find the appropriate department. This is a disaster. If I wasn’t such an upstanding citizen (which we’ve established is the case 99.9% of the time), I’d just skip town and let the matter settle itself.

I’m not going to do that, though. Looks like I’ll just take it on the chin and accept my punishment. I still maintain that the city authorities have bigger fish to fry than an anxious man masturbating in public, and this Officer Kennedy (if the name adorning the top of my citation is to be believed) should get his priorities in order if he’s looking to restore law and order to this city. I certainly hope he gets his act together once this T-virus thing blows over.

Also, and this is clearly the last thing I should be focusing on right now, but I didn’t get to finish. I know, I know, but you have no idea how close I was right before I was nearly decapitated by that crash. I’m going to sneak into the Kendo Gun shop nearby to take care of business. Hopefully there’s nobody in there.