SMALLVILLE, Kan. — Smallville Animal Control reported that a dog of unidentified breed attacked and killed Derby Walter, 56, the latest of four mailmen who have been mauled, after what witnesses referred to as a game of fetch gone wrong.
“Please, if you see a scruffy little white dog, do not approach him, do not give him pets, and for the love of God, do not engage in a game of fetch with him,” said Skeeter Boyd, Head of Communications for SAC during a press conference. “If you see Krypto you need to lock your doors and call animal control immediately. We cannot have dogs thinking they can attack the USPS and get away with it. We’re taking a stand and we’re going to bring Krypto to justice.”
Autopsy reports of Walter and the other postal workers reveal each body was covered in bite marks, third degree burns, and copious amounts of dog snot. Krypto was reportedly in the area of all four attacks.
“The USPS is under attack and its greatest threat are dogs like Krypto,” Boyd said, waving a leash pole in the air. “We’ve already brought other dogs in for questioning. We will find Krypto. Anyone harboring this outlaw mutt will have the calloused hands of the law come down on them swiftly.”
Local farm woman and adoptive dog mom to Krypto, Martha Kent, thinks SAC has the wrong critter.
“Animal Control is just looking for someone to blame,” Kent said to reporters from her porch. “It’s easier to point a finger at an innocent dog than it is to actually go out and find the bad guy. This could have been any dog. Krypto’s by no means perfect. He may eat out of the trash and poop in the house, but he’s no murderer. And if he did murder those nice postmen, he was probably just playing with them and got a little too rough.”
At press time, Smallville Animal Control had received a tip from a parrot that Krypto had been spotted in a local Petco Store.
There was a unique strata of 16-bit 2D platformer in the ‘90s. Super Mario World and the various Sonic games got most of the attention, but there was a solid B-tier just below them that flew underneath many people’s radar. This is the graveyard of failed mascots, where Earthworm Jim rules, alongside forgotten characters like Blackthorne, Ristar, and Vectorman.
It’s an interesting period to revisit, particularly since many of these games were produced by absolute lunatics. Some of it came from the ‘90s mascot blitz, so any random pencil sketch could become the focus of a transmedia franchise to compete with Mario and Sonic, but it’s mostly just the state of the culture at the time. An era in which someone could not only greenlight but release Boogerman is an era that is unsuccessfully grappling with a deep sickness of the soul.
Antonblast reminds me of those years and those games. From the moment it starts, it’s a crazy gauntlet of high-speed platforming challenges, with graphics reminiscent of a 14-year-old’s caffeine freakout. Intentional or not, it’s a careful homage to a uniquely strange period of game design. I wish I liked it more than I do.
Antonblast stars Dynamite Anton, the protagonist of 2021’s Antonball Deluxe and a bright red, hammer-wielding exterminator. When Satan notices that Anton is the only creature in existence whose skin is a brighter red than his own, Satan sends his minions to steal all of Anton’s booze.
When Anton wakes up to empty shelves, he grabs his hammer and his coworker Annie – the most “I can fix her” character in platformer history – and goes on a rampage. Using a local casino as a base of operations, Anton and Annie set out to reclaim Anton’s spirits and destroy everything that gets in their way. This is all a ploy to eventually bring them to Hell, where Satan plans to steal Anton’s coloration for himself.
Antonblast is a platformer where you’re never quitein full control. Anton charges across each stage like a natural disaster, moving at breakneck speeds and leaving a trail of destruction in his wake.
Anton’s hammer serves as a dash, accelerator, and spring at once. You can bounce off the ground to get extra height, charge up for extra speed, and slide down slopes with your boots extended. There are enemies, but most of the time, defeating them is something you do along the way. Antonblast is a wrecking ball simulator in the guise of a 2D platformer.
The graphics are simple, but it’s in the service of both raw speed and ensuring that both Anton and Annie – you can switch freely between stages and both characters play the same – look as crazy as possible at any given time. Antonblast makes almost no sense in still shots. In motion, it’s a frenzy of crazy animations; taken frame by frame, it’s a useless pixel riot.
Most of the levels in Antonblast are only a little linear. Your goal, broadly speaking, is to run through it as fast and destructively as possible, then set a bomb and get back to the exit before everything explodes. Along the way, you can find secret areas, shortcuts, and several hidden items, primarily by using a gimmick that lets you leap into and out of the stage’s background.
When it’s firing on all cylinders, Antonblast’s pure speed is a lot of fun. You smash, bop, or punt everything that gets in your way, up to and including entire buildings, while explosions and strange machines reconfigure the world around you. If you’re a big fan of Sonic’s classic era, this should be right up your alley.
It’s not really for me, though. Antonblast has a few issues that bother me, like how it loves to obscure your vision at crucial moments, but it’s primarily just not the kind of platformer I tend to like. It’s all gas, no brakes, to the point where seemingly simple jumps often don’t work unless you’re moving at maximum velocity. If you slow down, you’ve lost. It’s messy in a genre where I prefer precision.
I can imagine this being someone else’s favorite game. It’s got a solid dose of speedrunner mechanics, and beating each stage opens up time trial modes and other challenges. I even like its general aesthetic, which feels like its setting is based exclusively on energy drinks’ logo art, and its cheerful refusal to make any real sense. I bounced off of Antonblast, no real pun intended, but if you like high-speed mascot platformers, it’s well worth a look.
[Antonblast, developed by Summitsphere and published by Joystick Ventures, is now available for Nintendo Switch and PC via Steam for $19.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Joystick Ventures PR representative.]
KYOTO, Japan – Multinational video game company Nintendo has officially changed the name of Nintendo Entertainment System, or NES, to “Regular Nintendo” 39 years after its initial release, sources report.
“Such action is merely a formality at this point,” President Shuntaro Furukawa said. “Ever since the release of the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES) in 1990, the NES has been referred to as ‘Regular Nintendo’ in households all around the world. As far as I know, only gaming elitists have continued to insist on referring to it by its original name. Nintendo prides itself on always putting the customer first, and this is just the latest example of us listening to them and responding in a timely and courteous fashion.”
Gamers across the world were quick to respond to the name change.
“Oh, I always just assumed that’s what it was called,” posted long time gamer Zack Parker. “When I was a little kid, we called it ‘Nintendo,’ and when the SNES came out, we called it ‘Regular Nintendo.’ Who cares? I don’t really understand why Nintendo is focusing its efforts on this when I’ve been dealing with Joy-Con drift for almost a decade. They might as well not even bother now, as the successor to the Switch is coming out next year. I swear, if I wasn’t such a Zelda guy, I would’ve sworn off Nintendo years ago.”
Sociologist Ashley Garcia provided insight into the situation.
“It’s actually very common in gaming for colloquialisms to be used more often than official titles,” Garcia offered. “For instance, I’ve only ever known the Super Scope as the ‘Super Nintendo Gun,’ and Mad Catz gaming peripherals have historically been referred to as ‘the shitty one.’ It’s puzzling that Nintendo is just now choosing to rename a console that’s older than most of the users of its products. As a gamer myself, I echo the concerns of Nintendo’s fanbase when I say the company could be spending its time and resources more productively.”
At press time, Nintendo was also renaming Super Mario Bros. 2 to “The Mario Where You Pick Things Up Instead of Smash Them.”
Yu-Gi-Oh. Difficult to learn, expensive to master. Yet when going up against the best and brightest duelists in the country, you’re gonna need more than a rent’s worth of cards to come out on top. That’s why I’m here. As the former American Champion and the current legally disputed winner of Duelist Kingdom, I’m here to arm you with the knowledge you need to crush the competition and top your next Worlds.
Follow my advice, and you’ll be walking away with the greatest prize of them all: A sense of pride and accomplishment, a Steam Deck, and a single booster box of cards.
Believe in the Heart of the Cards
Hey, if it worked for those spiky-haired freaks then it should work for you. Of course, we all know that “Heart of the Cards” is just the politically correct way of saying “During your Draw Phase, place the card you want on top of your deck”. Be like the Pharaohs of old, and literally manifest the card you want.
Use the Power of Friendship
Friends are great. They cheer you on when you’re winning, bring you up when you’re feeling down, and serve as an excellent pool of resources to utilize whenever you need. Just remember that if you’re missing a few Star Chips or Locator Cards, there’s absolutely someone in your life who’ll donate them, willingly or otherwise.
Don’t be Afraid to Use a Rival’s Card
There’s nothing wrong with admitting when your opponent has a better card than you. So leave your ego at the door and slide it into your deck. Ideally after swiping it from them after you beat them up.
Remember to Open Your Latest Pack
Even third-rate duelists with fourth-rate decks know that more cards is better than less cards. And rare cards are better than common cards. Seriously, you need to send a message to your opponent. Your deck isn’t just better, it’s shinier. Are you actually going to show up at the Intercontinental Championships flashing a simple Holo Charizard instead of a Crown Rare? Pricks like you are the reason this country’s going to the dogs.
Make the Terrain Work for You
Field power bonuses don’t count for nothing if you play your cards right. All it takes is some quick thinking and a willingness to believe in the corruption of our judicial system. Snivelling little punk hiding in a forest to buff his bugs? Take a page from the Amazon Rainforest and burn it down. Ocean freak wants you to swim in a sea of monsters? Oil and a match. Facing off in a no-stakes duel against a nine year old in the middle of a heavily populated city?
Arson baby.
Drown out the Horrors of your Past
You don’t get to become a pro duelist without seeing some things. Things you’d rather forget. Like the time you pulled a 1st Edition Ultimate Rare and slipped it into the safety of your pocket. Only to absentmindedly hand your jeans over to your mom, having completely forgotten it’s laundry day…
The Russian Roulette was pretty gnarly too.
Prepare for Any Situation
Only idiots don’t pack in advance. I’m not referring to firearms or genitalia (naturally I wield both with deadly efficiency), but instead your decks. Bring every single one you’ve got. And if a judge asks to see your decklist, ask if they’ve seen anyone naked. Watch them break down in tears as you achieve both a literal and metaphorical win.
Make Your Own Luck
Starting hand not up to snuff? Your supposedly honorable opponent cut your deck in a way that makes him look sus? Don’t stand for that. You only get one life (unless you meet a handsome fellow with a knack for raising the dead), so don’t waste it!
What is “the sleeve” but a second hand? Stuff your best cards up there and whip ‘em out as needed.
Respect the Rules
We’re not savages. A rules-based society is the only thing keeping us from Time Streaming back into apes. That’s why you respect the official rules of this trading card game.
Specifically, you’ll want to respect the tardiness penalty (if your opponent doesn’t show after 3 minutes, they get a game loss, and after 10 minutes they get a match loss). So, make sure you show up bright and early, ideally after jamming some hotel room doors, cutting some brake lines, or stealing the one card that grants you entry.
Exercise Your Second Amendment Rights
When all else fails, just remember that Monster Reborn doesn’t work on people. That punk kid can’t sign the match result slip if he gets hit by your Barrel Dragon, know what I’m saying? Now sure, there’s no way this works on a holder of a Millennium Item, but there’s only like seven of those dweebs to worry about.
Apologies to my American readers, but this’ll only work in Japan.
Be the Bigger Man
There’s nothing wrong with admitting when someone has got you beat. Especially if that person has access to cards that can resurrect you from the dead, or ancient artefacts forged from the blood of slaughtered innocents that can straight up possess you.
It’s Fine to Hit a Child
There’s no way that little shit beat me! I don’t care if Pegasus gave him the secret to life itself, I totally had that duel in the bag. See how fast your lifepoints drop when I summon my fists in Attack Mode.
HOLLYWOOD — After putting in an impressive six years of portraying children on the screen, McClonkey Culkin, the youngest of the esteemed family of actors, has unfortunately developed into an unattractive and unmarketable pizza face.
“McClonkey was a true professional, acting was in his veins, however the passage of time tends to weigh heavy on the Culkin family,” says longtime Casting Director, Lori Shannon. “Like his brothers before him, there came a point where he would walk into the audition room for an adorable kid and we would throw up in our mouths a little.”
Kit Culkin, McClonkey’s father and the patriarch of the Culkin clan, has assured his managers and agents that his son is still at the top of his game.
“He’s still got some great stuff left in the tank,” the 80 year old told the press. “All he needs is a little Proactive and three hours in the make-up chair and boom! He’s practically a baby again.”
This is not the first time Kit Culkin has aggressively parented one of his sons into the spotlight. Back in the 90sMacaulay Culkin was placed on puberty blockers in the hopes of squeezing every last penny out of the child’s momentous success.
“It was hell!” Macaulay told reporters back in 2008. “The side effects left a rash on my face so bad they had to rewrite the ending of My Girl. All I did was work and work! The only time I could truly feel like a kid was at Neverland Ranch.”
Unsure if the child star will be able to make the shift into adult acting like his brother Kieran, this may be the last we see of McClonkey, until his inevitable return in nostalgia-bait holiday commercials 20 years from now.
At press time, the puberty riddled pre-teen has signed on for a three commercial deal with Accutane®.
NEW YORK — A team of copyright lawyers at Nintendo have begun putting together a case against Luigi Mangione, although some members of the team are not completely sure why they are getting involved in the murder case.
“I’m just not entirely sure what I’m supposed to be doing here,” said Nintendo Copyright lawyer Don Winters. “Like, yeah, I’m no stranger to bleeding Nintendo fans dry for even thinking about putting something that looks like a 1-up mushroom on a grave. It’s the murder trial thing that’s kinda throwing me. The guy doesn’t even seem to be a Nintendo fan, so what’s the point? But the top brass said to sue so I’ll do what I can. I just don’t think they fully understand what this case is actually about. All they know is that it’s in the news and the guy’s name is unfortunately Nintendo property.”
With the trial now including the much more serious charge of infringing on Nintendo copyright, the judge laid out how the trial would likely go.
“Mr. Mangione will have his defense team sit to the right of the courtroom,” explained judge Anya De La Vega. “And the prosecution will be on the left. We plan on bringing in a third table, across from the jury, to put the Nintendo lawyers. We can proceed with the murder trial as usual, and the copyright lawyers will chip in with any objections or witnesses or whatever it is they do.”
Although Nintendo’s legal team isn’t sure how much they’ll be able to do in this murder trial, some members are excited for the experience.
“I’ve never been involved in a murder case before,” said lawyer Hayden Boone. “And most of our other cases get settled outside of court. The thing that excited me most about this case is finally being able to tell my family that I’m involved in a normal CEO murder case. Usually when I try to explain my work to them they don’t understand. Shutting down a passion project a loyal fan spent years of time building as an object of love to our properties and slapping them with a million dollar fine is just as important if not more important than convincing a guy to murder.”
At press time, Mangione’s defense team have revealed that they are much less confident now that Nintendo is involved.
ROME — A lookalike competition for the famous gladiator Spartacus ended in a massive tie as almost all contestants began asserting themselves as the true hero, local sources confirmed.
“I simply asked for the real Spartacus to make himself known so he could win the 50 copper-coin prize”, Octavius Flavia, local statesman and event organizer, lamented. “Once someone finally did, another contestant interrupted him, rather adamant that he was the true warrior. Then he got interrupted and things went off the rails from there.”
The competition ended up lasting three hours more than scheduled, with organizers eventually declaring a collective tie as contestants began shouting “I AM SPARTACUS” in defiant unison.
“I really thought I had this in the bag,” Julius Maximus, a contestant with a stark resemblance to the Thracian gladiator, gave his thoughts on the matter. “But after that first guy declared he was the true Spartacus, I realized that Spartacus isn’t about what’s out here, but in here,” Maximus explained, pointing to his heart, with tears in his eyes.
Locals who were in the area at the time reported feeling rather inspired after witnessing the spectacle.
“I was just going for a stroll, but as I heard the contestants got louder and louder, I started to wonder if I was also Spartacus.” Helena the Younger explained, with a determined look in her eye. “Before I knew it, I was a part of the growing crowd, arguing with contestants over who the true Spartacus was. I know we were fighting, but it felt weirdly unifying to be there. I’m kind of glad no one won the cash prize, it really would’ve killed the vibe we got going.”
At press time, Roman senators have outlawed lookalike competitions after a man at an Julius Caesar lookalike contest was stabbed 23 times.
Throughout gaming history, one of the greatest struggles faced by developers has been the need to keep players engaged with their projects for as long as possible. This challenge has led to countless shortcuts, workarounds, and new mechanics designed to keep the game progressing smoothly through minimal interruptions and a greater feeling of immersion for modern titles. Because who would want something like a boring old atmospheric opening of a mysterious door, or a tone-setting loading screen to showcase the lesser appreciated details and lore of a game waiting to be deeply understood? No one. Or, at least not me. No, I tend to appreciate the art form more when we bring it to a snail’s pace, a dead halt, even a slight intermission, one might say.
Luckily, it seems that many of the greatest minds in modern gaming development tend to agree with me. Which has resulted in a huge increase in one of my favorite pastimes. Squeezing through as many gaps, cracks, and assorted chasms as I can find. There’s truly nothing like it, and now I get to share that feeling with you with these top 10 cracks in walls that are just BEGGING to be shimmied through.
#10 — Tomb Raider (2013)
To some, this is where it all began—or at least when they started noticing it. As an avid explorer, Lara Croft faces many challenges during her travels, making it a welcome treat when, every so often, she gets a chance to just chill. When she’s not getting shot with arrows or being torn apart by an actual fully grown bear, she gets to indulge in a nice shuffle through the nearest set of exposed pipings or even a good pair of boulders.
#9 — Silent Hill 2 Remake (2024)
It’s safe to say that Silent Hill is not the best town for most people, especially if you’re in need of a great amount of therapy. Newest resident James Sunderland gets to experience the best of both worlds, however, because what could be more therapeutic than rummaging around an unknowingly disgusting random hole in the wall. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to get my hand right up in there to discover all sorts of hidden treasures.
#8 — Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order (2019)
It’s comforting to know that even in a galaxy far far away, across multiple planets, in the depths of a collapsing Star Destroyer, or in the dwellings of an abandoned ancient village. There will always be…
A good place for squeezin’…
Through.
#7 — Amigara Fault (Junji Ito)
Junji Ito’s classic tale of horror in the mundane still holds the spot for—what many would say—to be the most significant use of a simple hole in any piece of media. Even beating out the black hole from Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar and the hole left in my heart after watching Alien vs. Predator. And it’s easy to understand why. There’s just… there’s something about it. Every part of my being is telling me that I need to get up in that hole. My hole.
#6 — The Callisto Protocol
The most beautiful aspect of The Callisto Protocol is that almost the entirety of the game is spent squeezing through cracks, crawling through vents, and going up and down near hundreds of ladders. The one problem is that they interrupt all that fun to focus on the most boring protagonist of all time and whatever it was that he was going through. Something about shooting their arms off? Space religion? Who knows?
#5 — Final Fantasy XVI
Now to be completely honest, I haven’t played this entry in the franchise yet, but I am completely willing to commit to the first 15 releases in order to understand this decades-long tale that many have claimed to be one of the best video game franchises ever made. If only there were a way to just jump ahead so I could do my duty of wiggling and jiggling through these graphically magnificent gaps.
#4 — The Shawshank Redemption
It often comes as a shock to fans of this classic film when they learn that the pivotal climactic scene is often misunderstood. While most would believe that the warden and his accompanying guards would be upset with Andy Dufresne, it turns out that the writers intended the actor’s emotion to be closer to disappointment rather than anger. Andy didn’t give them a turn in the secret hole, in fact, he hid it from them. I know that if I were that warden, and I found out this way, I’d give him the chair.
#3 — Unreal Engine 5 Demo
Unreal Engine 5 is the latest and greatest in the evolution of game creation tools, and during its groundbreaking demo showcase all the way back in 2020, fans and developers alike got a glimpse into its impact on the foreseeable future of gaming. Cracks baby! We’re gonna be getting them in every game, every genre, everywhere. Whether it’s indie or AAAA. You’re gonna get ‘em, and you’re gonna love ‘em, because you’ll have no other choice.
#2 — God of War (2018)
God of War (2018) is considered by many to be as close as you can get to a perfect game. A masterclass in storytelling, game design, and character that will keep the bar raised for years to come. Which is why it is very disappointing that the joy of gap scootin’ is squandered by this little twirp you have to babysit throughout the entire experience. We get it, your mom just died, but can you please be quiet for two seconds! Not to mention Kratos being a huge grump at all times, like, lighten up buddy! If only there were a game that was just as good but without all the children, and maybe with a protagonist who was… idk, more of a little guy? Maybe someday.
WASHINGTON — RFK Jr. Shocked reporters attending a press conference on Saturday when in a completely unprompted diatribe he confessed to “Doing a human centipede once.”
“Yeah, you wouldn’t believe the kind of things that have happened back at the lodge, ” said Kennedy, ignoring a question about healthcare reform. “There was even the time I was doing a human centipede once. So I was in the middle, and you’d think the worst part would be getting caca in the chompers but that’s happened a few times before. I was prepared for that.”
Reporters were caught in a state of stunned silence for a few moments as President-elect Trump’s appointee for the Department of Health continued to ramble about his reenactment of the 2009 film.
“When I think about making America healthy again, I think about the innovations brought forward by visionaries like Josef Heiter from The Human Centipede” said RFK, scratching his upper lip. “His operations still prove to be leagues safer than the horrible operations pushed by the woke left on America’s children.”
When asked for comment on RFK Jr.’s absurd confession, house representative Nancy Pelosi stated the following:
“I am shocked and appalled at the audacity of Trump’s choice for the Department of Health. No one making such unsafe and reckless decisions, whether for the public or for themselves, should have so much power over the health of the American people.”
At press time, Representative Pelosi cast her vote in favor of the “Replicate Human Centipede 3” Bill, which authorizes prisons to attach prisoners ass-to-mouth.
Due to the assassination of Brian “Working Class Hero” Thompson by the coward Luigi Mangione(allegedly) on December 4th, 2024 we, the owners of this country, felt compelled to address you all directly.
This act of unprovoked violence is the kind of thing you expect to hear has happened to a classroom full of children, not us. We, the people who actually make things happen and enrich your lives with the very products and services you take for granted. How dare one of you step out of line? When’s the last time you heard about a second grader creating something like the Cybertruck, ChatGPT, or Moana 2? How many children have had the wicked smart idea of destroying multiple complete films to reap the tax rewards? Has a kindergartener’s Welchian leadership tactics ever yielded dividends to your stock portfolio? Has your child ever maintained quarterly growth for multiple years by making up bullshit measurements for growth and user retention?
We thought not.
It’s a sad day in America when the coldblooded murder of one of our fellow executives, all of whom deliver results every day to the economy and most importantly, our shareholders, is met with indifference and even celebration. And yet, so many of you find tears to shed every time a grade school classroom is turned into a Jackson Pollock painting from the blood of children. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
To those of you who have embraced, praised, and gone so far as to canonize Mr. Mangione; enjoy this moment while it lasts. Savor it. Because while most of our pet congresspeople hem and haw and do a sad little dance every time a school is turned into a warzone and, as if it wasn’t obvious, they are merely providing lip service to something that will never be addressed. Because they know doing so would impact the bottom line of the very people responsible for putting them in office. So let’s see how long it takes for a bill named the “Brian Thompson CEO Protection Act” to pass vs something like the “Stop Children From Being Butchered Act”. I think we all know the answer. Luigi Mangione is not some folk hero nor is he some righteous crusader. He’s an opportunity. He’s the excuse we need to cinch the noose a little tighter around your collective necks. So as we said, savor this moment because it is fleeting.
Finally, once our good friend Donald reascends the throne, the real fun will begin. We’re in talks to have Secret Service protection for every executive in the country to ensure this won’t happen again; Anyone who makes an attempt will have their body pumped full of more hot lead than a high schooler in homeroom, and their bloody carcass put on display. There will also be a hotline where people can report suspicious behavior both online and in the real world — and be rewarded handsomely for speaking out — on anyone who is even remotely suggesting some harm befall one of our most precious resources: the capital holders AKA the ones our founding documents refer to when they say “We, The People”.
Kindest Regards,
The CEOs of America
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