“Here’s How We Can Still Restore the Snyderverse,” Says Man Taking James Gunn Hostage at Knifepoint

LOS ANGELES — Self-proclaimed Snyder superfan Jason Morris has taken matters into his own hands to #RestoreTheSnyderverse and is holding James Gunn at knifepoint on a Hollywood street, LAPD sources confirm.

“Zack Snyder is a visionary filmmaker and he has legions of fans that demand for his full vision of a DC cinematic universe to come into fruition,” said Morris. “Warner Brothers sabotaged the box office because they wanted to Marvelize the universe with this stupid James Gunn Superman reboot. I am here to rectify this betrayal and ask James politely to give Henry Cavill the role of Superman back and to finish what Zack started. Here’s how we can still restore the Snyderverse: we put more pressure on the jugular.”

James Gunn said that he believes that some superhero superfans are being a little unreasonable.

“Zack and I are friends,” said Gunn, blood dripping down from the knife being pressed into his neck. “He did a good job bringing his vision to the screen. He has moved on, though, and it’s my job to help lay the groundwork and shepherd in a new universe with a lot of talented creative voices that I hope people will love. For the love of god officer, please take the shot. He’s going to kill me.”

Zack Snyder admires the passion of his fans but thinks people are taking it a little too far.

“Hostage situation? Sounds pretty badass!” said Snyder. “James is my friend and I hope that he lives long enough to keep making his movies. I’m excited to check them out. James promised me he would watch my Rebel Moon movies when he had some time. I don’t think violence is the answer, unless it involves Superman or Batman committing acts of mass violence on-screen. I don’t condone my fans taking extremist action. They should keep that energy just on social media.”

At press time, Snyder fans were quick to remind anyone who would listen that Man of Steel made more domestically than Gunn’s Superman if you adjust for inflation and that if we besmirch the Snyderverse that they know where we live.

FBI Denies Existence of War in Ba Sing Se

WASHINGTON — Following a rigorous and exhaustive inquest, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has officially concluded that there is no war in Ba Sing Se, officials at the FBI confirmed Thursday.

“As part of our ongoing commitment to transparency, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has conducted an exhaustive review of investigative holdings related to the alleged war in the four nations,” said FBI Director Kash Patel. “It was a long and arduous process, but we are very thankful to have had the cooperation of a local intelligence agency known as the Dai Li. After reviewing all of the facts and evidence available to us at this time, we are happy to report that the truth has been uncovered and there is, in fact, no war in Ba Sing Se.”

Earth Nation citizens, however, were quick to share their doubts regarding the FBI’s official verdict. We spoke with Kenji, a local zookeeper and activist in Ba Sing Se.

“Personally, I don’t buy any of it,” said Kenji, 51. “The FBI really expects us to believe that this hundred-year war just doesn’t exist? After everything we’ve seen and heard? There are Earth Kingdom citizens currently in prison for crimes they committed in relation to the ongoing war. How can they justify keeping these people locked up if the–”

Unfortunately, Kenji was unable to finish his statement, as he abruptly remembered he was late to an appointment in Lake Laogai, out in the country.

Earth King Kuei was eager to speak with Hard Drive to publicly thank the FBI for their thorough work, and to address the citizens of the Earth Kingdom directly.

“I want to express my immense gratitude to the FBI as well as the Dai Li for finally uncovering the truth and putting an end to all this pointless fear-mongering and misinformation. And to any citizens who still may be having doubts or fears regarding all of this, I would like to cordially invite you to a stress-free retreat at our luxury spa facility in Lake Laogai, where all your fears will be put to rest.”

At press time, Long Feng would like to speak with you, the reader, immediately.

Game Night: Solving Our Own Murder(s) in ‘The Drifter’

The Drifter is a good game, but a rough sit.

It’s centered on its protagonist, Mick Carter, a homeless man who burned down his whole life rather than process his own grief. You’re often working to escape from death traps or monsters, but those aren’t as harrowing as one awkward conversation between Mick and his ex-wife.

The Drifter is easiest to describe as a direct descendant of old LucasArts point-and-click adventures like Monkey Island, as filtered through what its Steam page describes as “a dash of ‘70s Aussie grindhouse.”

It’s a horror game, but the source and subgenre of that horror changes several times over the course of the story. By rights, The Drifter should collapse under its own weight, but it’s smart, fast, and focused. I’m actually surprised it’s as coherent as it is, given some of the turns its story takes.

If that sounds interesting to you, you should probably pick this up without reading any further. The Drifter is a sort of New Weird murder mystery at heart, and like any mystery, it’s hard to discuss without spoilers. (It’s hard to take screenshots that don’t accidentally spoil at least one plot twist.) You’re better off going in as cold as you can.

The Drifter is set in Australia at some point in the late ‘90s to early ‘00s. Mick has been a hobo for the last 5 years, in a largely fruitless attempt to outrun a personal tragedy. On the news that his mother has died, Mick returns to his hometown to attend her funeral, but is murdered almost as soon as he arrives.

For no obvious reason, Mick doesn’t stay dead. He crawls out of what was meant to be his grave with no idea what’s just happened to him or if it happened at all. Now he’s penniless, homeless, questioning his own sanity, stuck in the last place on Earth he wants to be, and trapped at the center of a series of seemingly unconnected mysteries.

If you’ve ever played a point-and-click adventure game, you already know how to play The Drifter. In each area, your goal is to search the environment for items and information, which you use to get Mick out of his latest problem. If you’re stuck, it’s usually because you missed some small detail or didn’t talk to everyone that you could’ve.

The big difference is that The Drifter runs off a streamlined version of the point-and-click formula. None of its maps are particularly big or elaborate, dialogue can be taken at your own pace, it’s careful to indicate when something in your environment is no longer relevant, and when (not if) you get Mick killed, he immediately comes back to life at a point just before the decision that led to his death. It’s ditched much of the strange post-Myst cruft that got attached to adventure games in the ‘00s, like having to spend half the game slowly walking across empty landscapes, and is all the better for it.

Most crucially, The Drifter ranks very low on the Grand Scale of Puzzle Impenetrability. While it’s got a couple of weird challenges scattered across its running time, common sense and pattern recognition will get you through most of the game. It’s thoughtfully built and has no desire to waste your time.

The story manages to match that overall pace. It’d be easy for a game built around several interlocking mysteries to end up feeling overstuffed, but you’ve solved several of Mick’s initial problems by the halfway point. The rest of the game is devoted to finding out how and why everything intersects. I did have a few leftover questions by the end, but on the whole, The Drifter nails its landing.

The Drifter reminds me of Peppered, in that both games make a genre staple into a cornerstone of their setting. There’s a broad streak of the old Sierra sadism in The Drifter – some of the most lovingly detailed animations in the game are devoted to Mick’s death scenes, including one that may actually be a first for the medium – but that’s one of its core mechanics. Sometimes the only way to get through a situation is to get Mick killed and see what you learn in the process.

My only real point against The Drifter is that it’s thematically uneven, to the point where I was surprised to find the game only had one writer. Chapter 5 goes real Eli Roth for a minute, and Chapters 6 and 7 feature a temporary genre shift that almost derails the entire narrative. I can’t accuse The Drifter of ever being boring, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it shook people loose at certain specific points.

As a point-and-click revival, the word I want to use for The Drifter is “confident.” It manages to dodge many of the usual shortfalls of the point-and-click formula while also telling a complicated story about the stages of grief. It shouldn’t work, but does. It can be rough at certain points, especially if you’re recently bereaved, but if you’re in a place where you can handle the subject material, The Drifter is a memorable, worthwhile run.

[The Drifter, developed and published by Powerhoof, is now available for PC via Steam, and the first chapter is available for free via Itch.io. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a PR representative for Powerhoof.]

Here Is Donkey Kong’s Really Disgusting Banana Bread Recipe

Hey, everyone! Donkey Kong here. This week I am going to share my favorite recipe of all. It is one that I really cherish.

Back when I was a young ape I would spend my summers in Cranky’s kitchen. The warm air of Donkey Kong Island would come through the windows bringing in a sweet salty sea smell. I was so carefree back then. I was not going on as many adventures. Baking provides me with so many nostalgic memories. Scent provides me with a connection to the past and I get transported to my childhood whenever I get a whiff of all these flavors of walnuts, peanuts, and pineapple smells. I even made a rap song about it.

However banana bread was the one recipe I disagreed with my family on how it should be made. Candy Kong once told me that banana bread is a no-fuss recipe and that you should be able to make it with the ingredients you have around you. So that’s the philosophy I used when developing my banana bread. I have all this bone meal just lying around the kitchen and I have all these green bananas that Chunky Kong gathered on his quest. It should be easy enough for you to make at home in your kitchen as well. Be sure to wear an apron or else you’ll get your tie messy!

Every other Kong likes their banana bread solid and just a little moist. I prefer a soupy mixture. Cranky Kong has called this recipe “disgusting” and “shameful” in the past, but he is called Cranky for a reason! Diddy Kong liked this banana bread so much that I even saw him feeding it to Rambi the Rhinoceros under the table when he thought I wasn’t looking. He loves to share.

I have spent years perfecting my banana bread recipe. I’m not allowed to call it a family recipe because no one wants anything to do with it. I love it though, and I hope you will too! The smell is unforgettable.

Here are all the ingredients you need to make DK’s Banana Bread Surprise:

  • All-Purpose Flour. It satisfies all purposes including this recipe
  • Baking powder. You can substitute baking soda if you want. They are the same thing.
  • Bone meal. The fresher the better.
  • Rock salt. The bigger the chunks the more satisfying the crunch.
  • Brown sugar. It along with the water helps make the bread extra moist
  • Butter. Melt it or toss it in hard and cold. Baking is not a science.
  • Parrot eggs. I steal these from Squawks.
  • Green bananas. I’m not using my yellow bananas. Chunky collects these ones and what they lack in flavor they make up for in ruggedness.
  • Vanilla extract. It brings some flavor to the recipe.
  • Tap water. Gooey and drippy banana bread is the best kind
  • Raisins. Everyone loves raisins.

You will also need a mixing bowl, a whisk, a 9×5 inch loaf pan, an electric mixer, and a spoon. Borrow a friend’s oven if you don’t have one at home.

Step 1.

Preheat the oven to 374 degrees F. Do not bother greasing your 9×5 inch loaf pan.

Step 2.

Combine the flour, bone meal, baking powder, rock salt chunks and brown sugar into a bowl. Whisk thoroughly. Put the half cup of butter and parrot eggs in. You don’t need to worry about cracking the parrot eggs as your electric mixer will already do the job of breaking them open. Add in the vanilla extract and tap water.

Take your mashed green bananas and put them in with all the other ingredients. If you have trouble mashing bananas this fresh, try punching them with your fists even harder. Turn on the electric mixer to maximum speed.

Step 3.

Pour the batter into the ungreased pan and turn on some cool music. You’ll be waiting for a while for this to bake.

Step 4.

Bake for an hour in the oven, or until it starts to smell burned. Whichever comes first.

Step 5.

Put on oven mitts. This step is very important!

Step 6.

Take the banana bread out of the oven. Sprinkle a good amount of bone meal on top of it as garnish.

Step 7.

Wait for it to cool down, grab a spoon, and dig in!

Ingredient List

1 ½ cups all-purpose flour

½ cup bone meal

1 teaspoon baking powder

6 chunks of rock salt

¾ cup brown sugar

½ cup butter

2 parrot eggs

3 cups mashed green bananas

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1 teaspoon of tap water

A handful of raisins

EDITOR’S NOTE: Hard Drive’s lawyers have told us to advise humans against consuming any amount of bone meal. They also told us not to dare bring this recipe to the company potluck.

Fallout Season 2 Will Feature 40-Minute Quicksave Killing Spree

LOS ANGELES — The upcoming second season of Prime Video’s hit video game adaptation Fallout will feature a very special 40-minute long brutal killing spree preceded by a quicksave, sources working on the show confirmed.

“Our main goal this season was to really get experimental with the format of our episodes, while also remaining true to that unique Fallout experience,” said Fallout showrunner Geneva Robertson-Dworet. “In our research we found that an overwhelming number of Fallout fans have experienced the seemingly ‘canon event’ of quicksaving, absolutely unleashing hell on whatever poor settlement or group of people happens to populate their immediate surroundings, and then loading back to that quicksave as if nothing ever happened at all. And we knew we just had to put that on the screen.”

Ella Purnell, who plays Vault 33 Dweller Lucy MacLean in the show, was happy to share her experience in devising and performing the ground-breaking scene.

“It was all adrenaline, really,” said Purnell. “[Wayne] Yip directed that episode, and he really gave me a lot of creative freedom on this very visceral, almost primal scene.They put me in the middle of this beautiful set of Camp McCarran with fifty or sixty stunt performers and I just went apeshit. I started unloading into these very talented people who I’d come to love working with. I was huckin’ firebombs and frag grenades like nobody’s business. I think I remember beating a script supervisor to a bloody pulp? Honestly, I kinda blacked out. But once the scene was over, we all just reset back to one and it was like nothing ever happened. It was extremely cathartic.”

We also spoke with Matthew Ryerson, who works as a PA on the show and was fortunate enough to witness the scene first-hand.

“Honestly, it was the most bizarre day of work I’ve ever experienced,” said Ryerson, 23. “As soon as Yip called ‘action’ the carnage began, and we were all helpless to do anything but stand back and watch. It was a truly harrowing display of violence, but also, you could tell there was a beautiful sort of release of tension. It’s something we’ve all thought about, just being able to go absolutely postal and then erase it all from having ever happened. All in all, I think it’ll make for some damn good TV.”

At press time, the Fallout writers are crafting a scene where a Deathclaw tears Walton Goggins limb from limb.

Rupee Value Plummets After Hyrule Field is Mowed

HYRULE — The economy was in shambles Tuesday after groundskeepers mistakenly mowed Hyrule Field, uncovering hundreds of thousands of rupees. The workers were meant to be tending the Hyrule Castle garden as part of the ongoing renovations after the last three near-apocalypses.

“We coudnae tell where th’ bloody property line was wi’ hauf th’ ground floatin’ in th’ air like that,” said groundskeeper William MacDougal, recounting the incident, “we were just cuttin’ the weeds back a wee bit when it started rainin’ the blighted things.”

Word soon spread to nearby villages, causing locals to rush to the field to fill their wallets. Giant’s Wallets were soon the hot commodity around the kingdom, selling out within hours. However, the impact on the local economy was nearly immediate, with shops quickly running out of goods and the rupee value tanking.

Paul Moneybags, a spokesman for the Bank of Hyrule warned that inflation and economic collapse was inevitable.

“It’s simple math,” said Moneybags, “if everyone is rich, then no one is rich. Shopkeepers will need to raise their prices to keep up with demand. Ten arrows may be thirty rupees today and three hundred tomorrow. We’re already seeing the rupee being devalued in other kingdoms.”

Moneybags refused to entertain the idea of a new currency standard, but is rumored to have begun hoarding Korok Seeds. Local medicine shop owner Matthew Mercer scoffed at the idea.

“You know that’s their shit, right?”

At press time, the royal family had yet to release a statement regarding the incident or the fallout, though the dark red cloud over Hyrule Castle may indicate the economy is the least of their worries.

Hard Drive Investigates: Does Duke Nukem 3D Pass the Bechdel Test?

The famed Bechdel Test, wherein a piece of media is judged on whether it has two named women characters engaged in a conversation about something other than a man, is perhaps the most well-known indicator of active female presence in media. It was developed by cartoonist Alison Bechdel in 1985, and has rightfully called attention to the ongoing problem of gender inequality in film and television over the past several decades.

As a means of encouraging representation in interactive media, the Hard Drive investigative team has decided to begin regularly applying the Bechdel Test to certain video games. Unfortunately, the first game chosen, socially-backward 1996 FPS “Duke Nukem 3D”, might not have been the best example to test the medium’s execution on the subject.

VERDICT

Fail. While Duke Nukem 3D does include scores of women throughout the entirety of the game, they are far from empowering depictions as the protagonist battles invading aliens who have taken over Los Angeles in between bouts of cringe-inducing remarks and needlessly explicit urination animations. The vast majority of women only speak as a means of begging for death as they are left suspended in strange cocoons by the aliens, only to be abandoned by the heartless Nukem as he progresses to the next level in his mission to conquer the aliens. Furthermore, it is later revealed that these poor women were only used as a ruse by the aliens to distract him while they begin their attack on Earth.

The Hard Drive investigative team was given a false sense of hope in the final cutscene, as Duke Nukem, having retired to his quarters after killing the Cycloid Emperor (the leader of the aliens) is called back to bed by an anonymous young lady. However, no further conversation is provided, and at any rate, there appeared to be only one woman present in the scene. The ensuing copulative noises are an embarrassingly unsubtle indication of the lack of insightful conversation that closes out the game.

Further hope was provided by the extra stages in the game’s Atomic Edition, with one of which being set in a place called “Babe Land”. However, while this lamentably appears to be the game’s biggest effort to pass the Bechdel Test, it still falls far short of a passing grade. Virtually none of the women in this level have a speaking part, and their inclusion only appears to be for the sake of dancing suggestively in sexy pirate costumes. 

While the Hard Drive investigative team fully intends on continuing its probes into various games’ performances on this important metric, it would like to apologize to the readers for the rocky start to this new column, and assures them that more thought will be put into the selection process going forward.

Game of Thrones: Kingsroad Perfectly Captures Careless, Half-Baked Feel of TV Show

SEOUL, South Korea — The latest Westeros-based video game, Game of Thrones: Kingsroad has proven to be a faithful testament to more of the same-old disappointment fans of the franchise have come to loathe, disillusioned sources confirm.

“We are absolutely delighted to finally share our newest addition to the Game of Thrones universe with gamers and anyone else with a credit card and low standards for quality,” said HBO’s President and CEO Casey Bloys. “We are so grateful to the thousands of Thrones fans out there who have continuously been willing to throw their money at us for almost nothing in return, and with this newest game’s price tag of sort-of-but-not-really free, we can finally prey on more of those fans than ever.”

Eager players were quick to weigh in with their thoughts on developer Netmarble Neo’s latest Game of Thrones title.

“They really knocked it out of the park with this one,” claimed Alex Schumacher, 26. “With boring, drawn-out cutscenes; broken movement and repetitive combat, I really felt like I was right back in 2017 watching my favorite show fall apart at the seams. The greed and perversion of it all just gave me such a rush of nostalgia. Plus, this game at least gives me something to do while waiting for George to write The Winds of Winter. Yup, any day now.”

Netmarble Neo Executive Producer Hyun-il Jang gladly recounted the long and rigorous development process for this absolute dumpster fire.

“Funny enough, we sort of worked backwards when we set out to make Kingsroad,” said Hyun-il. “We started out by making a much better, far more robust version of the game, before working with the good people at HBO to ‘rough it up’ a bit. They felt that the game was far too enjoyable for Game of Thrones fans, who have become accustomed to cheap, flashy cash-grabs over the course of the last decade. With their input in mind, we were finally able to make the lackluster capitalist nightmare that is Game of Thrones: Kingsroad.”

At press time, Jon Snow assured us that just one more in-app purchase will vanquish the Army of the Dead for good.

Game Night: Let’s Get Beaten to Death by Zombie Schoolgirls in ‘DEADCAM’

It’s one of those weird skip weeks for the column. This July has actually turned into a big month for indie games, but at time of writing, everything is either under embargo or I haven’t gotten codes yet. As such, I’m diving back into the janky end of the pool with something I found on Steam Early Access.

To use its full title exactly once, DEADCAM | ANALOG * SURVIVAL * HORROR is a new found-footage game from Joure Visser, a solo developer in Singapore. Visser previously published Stardrop and Spookity Hollow, in addition to working on last year’s Don’t Scream.

In-universe, the “DEADCAM Files” were an urban legend for the terminally online, back in the early days of the consumer Internet. Each of the files had no known or traceable origin, showed something uniquely disturbing, and appeared slightly different to every individual viewer. They were written off as a myth, right up until the modern day, when the DEADCAM Files have abruptly resurfaced.

DEADCAM is intended as an anthology series, with each file set in a different place and time. Its first and currently only scenario, “Onryō,” takes place in an abandoned high school in 1990s Japan.

You play from the perspective of Kenji Sagawa, a former instructor at Hoshima Private Girls’ Academy, who returns to the school several years after an unspecified incident that shut it down. As you explore, you’ll gradually learn what happened, why, and how Kenji was involved.

Off the top, DEADCAM’s best asset is that it’s built in Unreal Engine 5. The hallways of the school are close to photorealistic, with unique layers of debris, graffiti, and slow erosion in every room and hallway. It’s an undeniably evocative environment, and Visser has put some real work into it. While the school does have its share of improvised barricades and locked doors, so you’re often funneled into a linear path through the building, it’s a much bigger map than I expected.

It’s also worth noting here that “Onryō” is explicitly a survival horror game, rather than forcing you to outrun or evade enemies like an Outlast or Amnesia. Once you find your first weapon, the school rapidly fills up with hostile undead schoolgirls. At that point, it’s a race to figure out where to go and what to do before you run out of health and ammunition.

The rest of the scenario, unfortunately, is boilerplate. You spend most of “Onryō” hunting for keys with which to find more keys, and much of it’s made harder than it has to be by your character’s refusal to move at a speed above a brisk walk. It’s also fond of abruptly spawning new enemies into your blind spot, which is arguably cheating.

As a whole, “Onryō” is a great map in search of a better game. Its aesthetic is a deliberate flashback to the ‘90s, with grainy shot-on-video filters and a deliberately retro UI, but the overall gameplay is equally simple.

Still, that’s part of the fun of Early Access. “Onryō” could develop into something more worthwhile with some time, a bunch of bug testing, and a few post-release tweaks. For example, it’d play better if there were a fixed number of tougher enemies, rather than a theoretically infinite number of undead students who drop after two or three hits. As it stands now, “Onryō” can feel more like a weird beat-’em-up than survival horror.

As a testbed for future short horror scenarios, there’s some overall promise in DEADCAM. It’s got a flexible core concept, and if “Onryō” demonstrates one thing, it’s Visser’s knack for environmental design. I wouldn’t even call it bad so much as somewhat generic.

If “Onryō” is meant to be reflective of what comes next, however, then DEADCAM is doomed to end up as the video game equivalent of one of those 5-films-for-$5 discs that you used to see in electronics stores. Its next scenarios don’t necessarily have to go bigger than “Onryō,” but they absolutely should go much weirder.

[DEADCAM | ANALOG * SURVIVAL * HORROR, published and developed by Joure Visser, is now available on Steam Early Access for $7.99. This column was written using a Steam code purchased by Hard Drive.]

Superman Isn’t Boring, He’s Just Complicated

Working in an industry gives you insight and peeks into the behind-the-scenes operations that people seem to have a great deal of opinions and thoughts on, despite often having little interest in how decisions are actually made and companies are actually run. I think the most surprising thing to a lot of comic book, and superhero, fans is just how rigidly controlled the larger publishers are, and how shaky the grips of a lot of executives making critically important decisions are as well. A perfect example was in the mid-2010s, when DC Comics decided to release a pair of mega-collections covering the enormity of the histories of Superman and Batman. And the stories included can tell you a lot about how both characters were perceived at the time: Batman’s was full of varied stories, some origins, some failures, a lot of stuff you’d expect, a few things you wouldn’t. Superman’s told a very different story. A much more apologetic one. Superman’s stories were mostly focused on his origins, his failings, and the few times he became evil, whether in a side-story or the mainline titles. And people loved hearing about what was included in that collection, but few actually bought it. People just seemed to respond to how “OP” Superman was, and enjoyed the concept of him being taken down a few pegs. Not enough to buy it, of course, but they loved to talk about it endlessly. 

And the people who actually liked Superman? All they ever heard about online and in comic stores was how boring, broken, and stupid he was. Why would they want a massive, expensive omnibus to appeal to THAT audience and not themselves? It’s the kind of environment where you might hand your biggest franchise character, the character that could legitimately lay claim to “starting this all,” to a director with a shallow, key-jangling, Randian vision of objectivism that means his inherent might makes him inherently right. He doesn’t need humanizing, his entire point is that he’s an inhuman god detached from the petty woes of stupid ants scrabbling for meaning in an uncaring world. Doesn’t that sound strangely like the loudest complaints people have always had about the character?

I’m not here to re-litigate the Snyderverse movies, I’m not here to defend the James Gunn Superman movie (I haven’t even seen it, as of the writing of this article), I’m here to say: it’s strange that filmmakers from Snyder to Burton all seem to think, when they take on a project like this, they’re the first one to ever have an idea like: Superman is CORRUPT. Or Superman is POWERLESS. Or Batman KILLS! Or Spider-Man has real-world PROBLEMS! They want to shatter a mold that’s already hanging up in a comics museum in 4 broken pieces, yet they think their vision is unique, special, and more adult than anything in comics. The irony can be seen from space.

The most common complaint you’ll hear anyone say about Superman is that he’s just “too boring.” He’s overpowered, so he can do anything, and there’s no peril in a hero who can do anything. Well, okay, he can’t do ANYTHING. There’s this green rock that fucks him up good, but otherwise? Totally invulnerable. Oh! Except magick, he has basically no resistance to that beyond a normal person’s because magick is a fundamental force, not an Earth-based one. Oh, also: that same rock from before? It screws with his mood when it’s encountered in other colors, but that doesn’t count cause I personally don’t find it compelling and they once had a pink one, so it’s stupid forever. The color pink doesn’t belong anywhere near the bright, cheery, uplifting world of fantasy superheroes! And, of course, there’s a half-dozen alien supervillains who can genuinely go toe-to-toe with him in a punchfight! Plus the interdimensional imp that can do anything and likes to mess with him. Oh, even his regular-ass human arch-rival has robots and power armor that can at least make him rate in a punchfight too! But otherwise, he’s SUPER boring and impossible to write a credible threat for. Except when he’s evil. When he’s evil, he’s  interesting because he has even fewer limitations, that’s REALLY when he’s interesting! When he has EVEN FEWER limits!

You start to see where this is a deeply weird complaint, yeah? It’s why the character has often been the subject of social issues since his inception: no matter how much power someone has, they can’t solve fundamental problems of humanity. He was created as an overt power fantasy by two European-Jewish immigrants in the 1930s who wanted to imagine a comic book character so ridiculously powerful, he could solve the World War currently raging across Europe in a few seconds. Yes, while Captain America was punching Hitler in the jaw on the cover of his comics, Superman was plucking Stalin and Hitler out of their respective headquarters and gently delivering them to International Prison. Problem solved forever! And thus was born a modern Herakles. Or Beowulf. Or Sun Wukong. Or Robin Hood. Or Rama. Or…Paul Bunyan? No, he’s boring: Johnny Appleseed? Huh… Yeah, we kinda sucked at modern mythmaking before superheroes, didn’t we? Except all those forest cryptids, Calamity Jane, John Henry Irons, you know: the ones that people still reference. And that gets to the heart of why Superman can come off so boring: he’s a primordial being of fiction. He’s one of the first superheroes, a genre that’s recently become more like a medium to have genres within! But he also needs to come out with three comic book issues every single month, come hell or high water!

And here’s the thing (not Ben Grimm), I get it. I do. Superman has all of the powers and he got them by being born on another planet and coming to this one. In many ways, he’s the jingoist nightmare of immigration realized: someone who arrives and does better simply because they were born somewhere else. Writing a story where he’s imperiled isn’t the easiest thing in the world, despite my above list, but I hardly think it’s worth the gallons of analog and digital ink spilled over the decades to describe what an impossibility it is. And here’s where I would normally recommend the transcendental All-Star Superman by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely, except I’m not going to do that. Mr. Myxlplyk’s not the only one with a trick or two up his interdimensional imp sleeve! A lot of people probably already have recommended the book, and I probably agree with most of them because it is absolutely worth all the hype. But I’ll tell you something funny: when I first read All-Star Superman, when I was 20 and had just started in a comic book store for the first time? I hated it. I despised it. I thought it was the most overrated schlock I had ever put my eyes to, and I’d been deeply ensconced in comics for two, maybe even THREE, whole years! It’s bright and colorful, and the characters have this odd look to them where they don’t look traditionally beautiful or glamorous, but they don’t look “ugly,” they’re just…ODD! What was this book DOING?! I hated it. Passionately! And then a very funny thing happened around the same time: people started taking Batman way too fucking seriously. Myself included.

All-Star Batman & Robin: The Boy Wonder (written by Frank Miller, drawn by Jim Lee, and yep: that’s the whole title) came out around the same time, the two books were meant to be “twins” in celebrating the legacy of both characters, and perhaps even starting something new. Things did not pan out that way. Batman & Robin became this bizarre time capsule of ultra-edgelord, reactionary writing as Miller seemed to internalize internet feedback in real time and openly mocked it in the pages of the issues as they came out, each more delayed than the last. Each snipe and swipe at the very fanbase that was supposed to be supporting the title seemed less and less biting, accurate, or even necessary. While it managed a few startlingly good issues, it was never at the level of All-Star Superman. Because I can tell you the NEXT time I read that book, it just clicked and I suddenly understood the hype.

And I wouldn’t deny anyone that experience, instead I’m going to swerve and talk about Emperor Joker. And that’s going to be tricky, because Emperor Joker wasn’t a planned, prestige, mega-collection, it was a story that stretched across the normal monthlies of various ongoing Superman titles. Passed from the hands of Jeph Loeb, JM DeMatteis, Mark Schultz, and Joe Kelly and that’s not even getting into the artists! Except I am getting into them! Don’t like it? Don’t read comics! We’ve got Ed McGuinness, Cam Smith, Tanya & Richard Horle, Richard Starkings, Mike Miller, Jose Marzan Jr., Kano, Marlo Alquiza, Carlo Barberi, Scott McDaniel, Duncan Rouleau, Todd Nauck, Jaime Mendoza, Richard Bonk, Richard Starkings, Armando Durruthy, Bill Oakley, Ken Lopez, and Moose Baumann along with WildStorm FX and Comicraft (WHEW!)

Written from the ground up to be Superman Vs The Joker, the ultimate do-see-do, or “Castling,” as it’s also called in the pages of Superman/Batman (by Loeb and McGuiness), the arch-nemesis of Batman is menacing the Big Blue Boyscout! Now, of course, there’s some heavy-lifting to be done to make those two stand on equal footing, and the Joker’s trick of Emperor Joker is, of course, the creative team does exactly that! Without introducing any new characters or breaking any existing rules, the creative team brings Joker well beyond Superman’s level and takes the audience along for the ride.

There’s going to have to be a few necessary spoilers, but the title of the collected issues itself is a spoiler: we open on Arkham Asylum with a black-suited Superman breaking out after declaring he isn’t insane and will no longer be held. Tearing through the Asylum into a world gone mad, he’s immediately confronted by the Joker’s League of Anarchy, led by the ever-irritating Bizarro, who keep stomping Supes back into the Asylum. Every night, Superman tries to leave, and every night he’s forced to yield and return, trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results in a world where insanity is the new norm. The Joker being behind everything isn’t even revealed until nearly midway through the title, it was called Superman: Arkham Asylum until then, but his presence is all over the opening half.

Superman and Steel, renamed Hank Aaron Irons in what feels like a veiled jab at the character’s original ham-fisted moniker, are at the forefront of the fight for rationality in a world where reality has truly come asunder. The other Justice League characters are all brilliantly re-imagined satirical takes on their most glaring flaws, and the villainous team is made up almost entirely of new creations from Loeb and McGuinness, but none are so wildly powerful that they become a backdoor contrivance to get the creators out of this pickle of a plot. There’s even a red-herring or two on the team to let the reader think they’re two steps ahead of the creators, but it never feels like a rug-pull when the truth is revealed. The creators ARE going to return to the status quo by story’s end, but they’re also not just going to have Mr. Terrific invent a Reality Machine to just “fix everything” after they run out of ideas for credible threats.

While I don’t think the team set out to do this from the start, the whole story reminds me of an anecdote Frank Miller and Alan Moore both tell of when they were tired at a comic convention’s end way back in the ‘80s, and had sat down to just shoot the shit over food, drinks, and to just recharge some of that energy that’s lost on the “working” side of convention life. They started talking about their writing methods and processes as peers often do and they began to debate and one-up each other on the worst situation they could put Superman in and still be able to write their way credibly out of: both settled on “Superman In Hell” being the most compelling. Rather brilliantly, that’s what Emperor Joker is: it’s Superman in Hell. But it’s Hell as shaped by the DCU and its decades-long history and stories. Supes is the only sane person in a world forced to go mad by The Joker and his near-omnipotent stolen power. And I hear you! The DCU is known for some of the most OP space gods in all comics, so surely the answer is just the Spectre, Darkseid, Ganthet, or some boring cosmic crap head just fixin- nope, stop, they’re there. They’ve been accounted for with one of the most “it was definitely the year 2000 when they wrote this” references possible.

I promise, as someone who was there: it was funny at the time…ok, it was funny-ISH at the time.

This isn’t some Johnny-Come-Lately filmmaker with his head below the clouds because “gray skies are cooler” thinking they’re the first person to try and break the foundational rules of a character and world whose history goes back almost a century, these are comic book writers and artists who know their shit because they live that shit. Once you stop trying to find loopholes in the story that this team is telling, you might even find yourself really enjoying it. It’s chock to the brim with background gags, references to deep-cut characters, and even pop culture of the time, and that all feels like part of the point. And the book is incredible, it’s one of the best Superman stories ever told. And Batman’s even in there too! And, oh he’s so brooding. He’s so grim. He’s so everything the weird martyr fanbois want out of their rich gadget Daddy, and he’s not even funny once! And it’s fucking tragic.

There’s a reason the same few Superman books are being recommended by a lot of people now: they’re stand-outs that are still referenced by modern creators for making the character more than he was: a rough, blunt power fantasy for people who were truly disempowered at the time. But he’s still that too! He IS still hard to write for, harder now than ever! It’s hard to continuously imagine problems he can’t punch, heat-vision, or frost-breath his way out of, it’s why him being a tentpole character is so WEIRD: he should be a character who only shows up when he’s needed. He’s perhaps the least suited to being written constantly and by a deadline rather than by an idea, because the quality floor is so much lower than someone like Batman, who seems to cycle through ideas like changes of costumes.

It’s little surprise that people gravitate toward the one of those two that seems more approachable, but c’mon, now, be real. Is Batman REALLY “unpowered,” or is he just very conveniently written? He’s not even “rich as a superpower lol wink nudge,” he’s got a pocket-dimension belt and gadget-crafting like Forge from the X-Men. That’s all. There’s nothing he can’t buy or invent in a single night in his lab, he’s just as OP and boring as Superman when he’s written badly. Apologies if this is news to you, but if you like “realism over superpowers,” you should know: there’s no real “body-armor reinforced eighty times with Super-American Military Kevlar Weaves and Uncle Sam’s Own Reaganomics Plating” enough for someone like Bane, Killer Croc, or a cosmic space-warlord to punch him hard enough to detach his head and still let him “walk it off.” If you want to get into stuff like “ninja training in the mountains,” I’d really like to ask for clarification on how that’s more “real” than giving him a magickal flaming sword, a suit of mystical armor, and calling him “Azrael the Batknight.” If Ra’s al-Ghul gets no credit for having no powers, then neither does Batman. He’s just OP with tech and convenience rather than magick or alien biology.

But here’s the thing (STILL not Ben Grimm) that’s important: Wonder Woman is OP. Green Lantern is OP. Plastic Man and Aquaman are OP. Jimmy Olson and Crazy Quilt are OP! Characters are only as powerful or weak as the creators who bring them to the page. That sounds obvious, but apparently not, people still talk about characters like they make their own decisions. People see a character with the multi-layered powers of a living alien god, one who came from the stars and is now trapped on a planet where people equally ask him to solve all their problems and warn him to not do too much because they hate being ruled, and he doesn’t even want to conquer, he wants to co-exist. If you were given that character and your first thought was, “BUT WHO CAN HE CREDIBLY PUNCH REAL HARD?!” maybe…just MAYBE…the character isn’t the one who’s being boring?

He’s the ultimate deus-ex machina, but he can still be vulnerable. And not just his Canon List of Plot-vulnerablilities, vulnerable in an emotional, human way. Or an aloof, alien way! He can be unapproachable by normal humans, and still be a decent person under it all. One of my favorite Superman moments involves Green Arrow and Black Canary trying to save their son Arsenal’s life while trapped at-sea. Arsenal’s taken an arrow to the torso, everyone on the boat is panicking, and then Green Arrow begins whispering the name “Clark,” gradually getting louder until he is full-throated screaming the name. The book smash-cuts to the Daily Planet in Metropolis where we see Clark Kent’s ears perk up, his eyes widen, he hears fear in cherished friend’s voice calling his real name. And suddenly Superman is landing in the boat, picks up Arsenal, tells everyone the hospital he’s taking him to and leaves. Yes, they’re still technically stranded at-sea, but he knows: the rest of the crew is resourceful enough to get back to land, just not fast enough to save Arsenal’s life. But Superman has that covered, because he’s Superman. He shows up when and where he’s most needed, sometimes even in someone else’s book! But not always. Never always. These characters don’t exist in a vacuum, at least not in the stories that stand the test of time. The way they’re written matters, the way they’re drawn matters, and the way they change matters the most. And I’d say no one superhero has changed more over the years than Superman.

Which is why he isn’t boring. He’s just very hard to get right.

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