LONG BEACH, Calif. — The school police officer who waited over an hour to respond to multiple calls of an active school shooter is reported to relentlessly pursue skateboarders from wallriding all five bells spread across the high school campus.
“The department spent a lot of money on this golf cart, and I’m sure they don’t want me getting it all shot up,” said Officer Richard “Dick” Black, 43, the school’s assigned resource officer. “No, they want me to chase down these skateboarding hooligans who are menacing our community. It’s not just the bells they’re screwing with, either. Any classroom that has a poster of the alphabet on the wall soon finds that they’re missing the same five letters: A, E, K, S, and T. There must be some kind of connection between those letters, but, hey, I’m not a detective. No, I’ve got one job, and it has nothing to do with ensuring kids make it out of school alive. My job is to hassle people who can’t fight back.”
Students who survived the shooting were shocked at the officer’s behavior.
“There I was, laying down with day-old taquera sauce spread on my scalp to look like blood, pretending to be dead,” recounted skateboarder and school shooting survivor Camden Gibbs, 16. “I thought the same cop who chased me with his nightstick for wallriding a bell would pursue the gunman with the same vigor. I was wrong. The full force of his power he wielded unto us skaters: golf carts, night vision goggles, that body armor suit with the weird neck for bomb disposal. But when it counted, he had no courage for an actual threat.”
Los Angeles County School Board superintendent Phillip Fuentes came out in full support of the school police officer.
“I salute all brave men and women in uniform who are doing their job protecting our expensive bell system, our first line of defense in a highly integrated safety network designed to warn students about active shooters,” said Fuentes, noting the recent installation of a fifth bell on top of the roof by the pool. “We’ve spent countless dollars maintaining and repairing the system over the last sixteen years, but we believe it has many productive years ahead if not destroyed by low-life skaters. After all, if the bells won’t protect our children, who will?”
At press time, local officers attempted to rehabilitate their reputation by violently assaulting skaters on Main Street, near O’Neil’s Bar and Grill.
NEW DONK CITY — Princess Peach’s chief steward Toadsworth has recently stated that he is not yet ready to endorse Pauline for mayor of New Donk City.
“We don’t really know each other that well,” stated Toadsworth to press. “Our districts don’t overlap and we’ve never had a substantive conversation. So until that happens I just don’t know if Pauline is the right candidate for me to give my endorsement to. There are many positives I see in her campaign but many negatives as well. I’ve been in this game a long time now so I won’t endorse just anybody even if their only competition is maniacally evil. I really have to weigh my options to make sure I’m endorsing the candidate that will be the best for the citizens of New Donk City. Whether that’s Pauline or Kamek remains to be seen.”
Many members of the Toad establishment reacted with alarm to Pauline’s victory in the mayoral primary.
“Her platform is simply too radical and it will alienate voters,” claimed Toadette. “I mean song and dance numbers? High quality of living? No kidnappings of government officials? Madness. She wants to completely restructure the fabric of what the Mushroom Kingdom is. She’ll lead voters right to the Bowser party. What we need is someone who can appeal to both sides while doing absolutely nothing to stop Bowser’s evil plans from progressing.”
While the New Donk City voters believe that Pauline will help bring about positive change to the city, especially in the face of the rising threat of Bowser, Toadsworth isn’t so sure.
“It’s great that she was able to rally the voter base but many of her ideas are just not how you deal with the threat that the Koopa movement brings. Sure making life better for everyone sounds good on paper but that’s just not how this kingdom works. You can’t just decide to make things better and then make sweeping changed to actually do it. Fixing the systematic issues that lead to support of Bowser isn’t how we do things. We call Mario to stomp on some heads, then do nothing to dole out any lasting consequences so Bowser is enabled to try again. It’s what keeps our economy going.”
At press time, the Toads have launched an investigation into Pauline over her alleged past with Donkey Kong.
PRINCESS PEACH’S CASTLE — Mario 64 cameraman Lakitu revealed that you’re going to have to replay the famed 1996 action platformer because he forgot to hit “Record” on his camera, aggravated sources report.
“Oh man, I’m so sorry about this,” Lakitu groaned as he buried his face in his hands. “Normally I’m really diligent about making sure my equipment is all set up to capture your playthrough, but I guess I was just getting used to my new 3D space. Also, I was nervous about Bowser having just kidnapped Princess Peach, and I guess it just slipped my mind. You’re going to have to come back here and start again, back at Bob-omb Battlefield. I’m recording this time, I promise. And again, dude, I feel terrible and I hope you can forgive me.”
You reacted to the news with anger and disbelief.
“I can understand us getting a minute or two into the playthrough before Lakitu realizes this, but all 120 stars?” you bristled. “I went through the entire thing, including hopping into the outside cannon and shooting myself up to the roof to meet Yoshi. It’s absolutely ridiculous that I have to do this again. Honestly, Lakitu himself gave me that little tutorial before I even entered the castle in the first place. Maybe he would have benefited from paying attention to his little lecture. This is just unbelievable.”
King of the Koopas and Princess Peach’s captor Bowser saw an opportunity in Lakitu’s mistake.
“This is actually pretty good news for me,” Bowser admitted. “I didn’t bring my A game the last time you played, and to be honest, you got lucky when you defeated me. You and I both know your aim isn’t that good, so you were incredibly fortunate to be able to twirl me into those bombs three times in a row. Well, I’m definitely not going to let it happen again, you can count on that. I’ll make Peach my wife, and you will never get that cake that she promised you.”
At press time, the batteries in Lakitu’s camera died as you were finishing up Tick Tock Clock.
SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a recent report from the National Weather Service, experts have concluded that close to 90% of all Americans flipped to the cool side of their anime girl body pillow during the recent widespread heat wave, sources confirm.
“We’re not sure what to call this specific phenomenon,” says Chief Meteorologist, Nick Ramirez. “But we are excited to use this new found data of anime lovers and hentai freaks across the country, hopefully to more accurately predict future weather emergencies.”
Across the country, sweaty Americans have shed layers, kicked away blankets, and flipped the four-foot-long plush cushion depicting beloved animated waifus.
“Every time I do it I feel like an unfaithful husbando, but this heat has been unbearable,” said Tucker Morrow, local anime fan and outspoken body pillow flipper. “I know the memory foam is going to remember this, please forgive me Kamiko-san.”
While the widespread heatwave has caused power outages and uncomfortable citizens, it has also produced significant positive data for the anime girl body pillow industry, which hopes to use this information to increase future sales.
“A microfiber case, body-cooling foam technology, and double-sided designs are just a few key breakthroughs we’ve had studying this recent heat wave and its effects on our clientele,” said Courtney Nyguen, head researcher at mangamanifest.com, a website specializing in custom waifu pillows. “It’s honestly something we should’ve caught years ago, but our customer base tends to direct their complaints to more specific areas.”
As the future forecast shows lower temps, Nyguen and her team will continue to monitor message boards and social media for any more leads on how to optimize their customer experience.
At press time, dozens have been saved from the Central Texas flash floods due to their body pillows unexpected buoyancy.
A cozy, welcoming apartment in the thriving city of Ashfield. Recently cleaned, enjoy an open-plan kitchen, south-facing windows, and in-unit laundry. A state of the art bathroom features plumbing capable of accommodating the widest of asses. Friendly to rabbits!
Sleep peacefully, knowing you’re kept safe by a state of the art security system. An intricate series of locks, chains, and hallucinogens ensure that no one’s getting out into the real world. Or in. But don’t worry about missing out on the outside world. A high-definition peephole allows you to stay up to date on the horrors afflicting your neighbors.
Member of an artistic profession? Then this place is for you! Find inspiration in gorgeous rust-colored paints and visions of horrors that will eat away at your very soul. Spelunkers, don’t feel like you’re missing out! Enjoy venturing into strange tunnels, with no guarantee which world you’ll end up in!
Steeped in history, Room 302 has seen the birth of famous figures. Enjoy sharing a building with the guy who’s son has some seriously repressed urges. Take comfort in the fact that the recent increase in homicides are merely an outlier.
Only steps away from the subway and hospital, and merely a smooth half-day’s drive from Silent Hill. Don’t miss out on the apartment of a lifetime.
Please include a copy of your ID, proof of employment, blood sample, and six months rent.
SUBCON — Super Mario Bros. 2 boss Birdo experienced a startling revelation regarding her anatomy when she decided to visit a doctor for the first time in decades, sources report.
“Yeah, apparently my eggs should not be coming out of my mouth,” Birdo mentioned. “According to the doctor, that’s what my cloaca is for. I’d always casually wondered if something was wrong with me, especially with how horrified and disgusted Mario and his crew always looked when I would vomit eggs at them in a gravity-defying straight line. I was just always too busy acting as a scourge to the land of Subcon and serving my master Wart to go to the doctor, but I guess I should’ve done this years ago.”
Birdo’s physician Anita Mueller was taken aback by what she saw.
“There is something desperately wrong with that poor dinosaur,” Mueller noted. “I have absolutely no idea how she’s managed to survive for the past 37 years, but I’ve already referred her to Subcon’s leading surgeon for some major reconstructive work. How she wasn’t able to grasp at some primal level that her body was not functioning as it should be is absolutely bewildering. It should have gone against all of her instincts to not only expel her eggs out of the wrong orifice, but to use them as weapons against her enemies.”
Video game biologist Davon Moore weighed in on the situation.
“It’s not uncommon for the genetic malformations of video game characters to go unnoticed,” Moore provided. “Do you think it’s normal for Dixie Kong to have long blond hair, let alone the ability to float by spinning it around so quickly? Or for Geoff Rowley to be able to get back up without injury and continue skating after being run over by a Minneapolis cab driver? I actually commend Birdo for getting herself looked at, even if it did take her so long to get around to it. I’ve always worried about her.”
At press time, Mueller was seen telling Luigi that his legs definitely should not be spasming like that when he jumps in the air.
ITASCA, Ill. — In a stunning one-two punch to nostalgia, Microsoft announced late Wednesday that its long-suffering reboot of the critically acclaimed N64 game Perfect Dark is officially dead, a decision that, in a tragic ripple effect, has forced local eighth-grader Mike Hansen to call off his sleepover scheduled for Friday night.
“I know fans have waited years, but shifting market priorities require us to cancel the Perfect Dark reboot and shut down developer The Initiative as well,” said Craig Duncan, head of Xbox Game Studios from an undisclosed location due to threats to his life. “Accordingly, all scheduled nostalgic basement gatherings attempting to relive the magic of split-screen counter-operative first-person shooter games are likewise deemed out of scope. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause but we will not be offering a refund on any pizza preorders.”
Hansen was, noticeably and understandably, inconsolable.
“It was going to be a vintage game blow out! I got my dad’s N64 out of storage, bought the Perfect Dark expansion pak off eBay, dragged two La-Z-Boys down from the living room, and pre-loaded a Cool Ranch Doritos family bag into a bowl without a lid,” Hansen said, sniffling, after throwing a tantrum and smashing his brand new Switch 2. “Joey was going to bring his dad’s N64 so we could have Perfect Dark on one TV and Goldeneye on the other. I better text Dave and tell him he doesn’t have to lie to his mom and say that he is going to a church lock-in.”
Industry analyst, and longtime LAN-party survivor, Kayla Fremont explained the impact of the cancellation.
“Microsoft underestimates the delicate social ecosystem that ties AAA reboots to suburban semi-finished basements. A Perfect Dark cancellation isn’t just lost revenue,” Fremont explained, after letting her high-school friends know that her own N64 themed party was also called off. “It is the dissolution of the social fabric of in-person gaming culture. Kid’s rarely hang out face-to-face anymore unless it is a special occasion and now they are losing that opportunity.”
At press time, Hansen was reportedly circulating an emergency Plan B group chat for a sleepover focused entirely on a WWF No Mercy in honor of the upcoming SummerSlam. Only Joey has responded with, “I’ll check with my mom.”
Sometimes the games I pick for this column end up having more thematic resonance than I anticipated. This was the perfect week to play something in which I drop a nuclear bomb on multiple unspeakable evils. It was relaxing. Hopeful, in its way.
Starless Abyss is the kind of indie game that, when described, sounds like I made it up as a joke. It’s a pixel-art, cosmic horror, space opera, time-traveling roguelike turn-based strategy deckbuilder with Citizen Sleeper-style dice hoarding. If it had romance options and a dodge roll, Starless Abyss would be the official king of the Steam algorithm.
That paragraph makes it sound like Starless Abyss is a pile of mismatched genre tags posing as a game, but its mechanics eventually click together. The first few minutes did make me feel like I was going crazy, though, which I choose to believe was deliberate.
In the far future, humanity’s attempts to expand into space have drawn the attention of the hostile Outer Gods. Now under attack, mankind has abandoned its few offworld colonies and retreated to Earth. This has only delayed the inevitable. Humanity is doomed. It’s just a question of when the hammer will fall.
The last hope for humanity is a group that has mixed occult research with high technology and terrible personal branding. As a dubiously willing operative of “Counter Horror,” you’ve been given an experimental starship and a mission: to destroy the Outer Gods before they reach Earth.
If you’ve been playing any of the indie deckbuilders that have cropped up in the last few years, owing largely to the success of Slay the Spire, some of those skills will transfer to Starless Abyss.
At the start of a new run, you’re given a captain with some unique passive skills, at least one ship, and a small deck of basic attack and defense cards. Your goal is to make it through 3 Acts, fighting a different Outer God at the end of each one, without getting ground to mucilage by a gauntlet of space demons.
Each individual victory rewards you with extra resources, at least one new card, and a number of other potential bonuses, including a collection of dice that you can spend to positively influence certain random encounters. However, your ability to repair your ships mid-Act is deliberately limited, so a narrow victory is almost as bad as an outright defeat.
On top of that, Starless Abyss also requires you to juggle your starships’ individual overheating, which builds with every offensive card you play; keep track of movement, positioning, and lines of sight on a small hex-based grid; and track down powerful Ritual cards that only work once, but provide a game-changing benefit in exchange for a horrible penalty. If other indie deckbuilders are all simple-to-learn, hard-to-master collectible card games, Starless Abyss is one of those enormous board games with cards, dice, and a tiled map where a “simple rules explanation” takes an hour.
In practice, my most successful runs through Starless Abyss have been more about space control than anything else. Minefields and defensive turrets are worth their weight in gold, especially as you reach Act 3 and direct damage rapidly goes out of style. It’s tempting to try to build towards a burst deck where you turn anything that looks at you funny into a cloud of radioactive snot, but my first victory ended up revolving around passive damage and teleportation strategies.
Your mileage may vary, of course. The problem with evaluating games like Starless Abyss is that it takes about 40 hours of play before I can tell whether a problem I’m having is due to my inexperience or is a genuine mechanical flaw.
As an entry-level player, I do feel confident in saying that Starless Abyss is sadistic even by the standards of the genre. It gives you a two- or three-level grace period, but then it starts to hit you with attacks that teleport your ships away from one another or bypass your shields, waves of infinite reinforcements, or bosses that force you to spend your full turn to interrupt their next action. I did manage to secure a win early on, which surprised me, but it turns out your starting captain also has the easiest victory conditions. Every other character is playing a different, much harder game.
Starless Abyss isn’t going to appeal to everyone. It’s a deckbuilder aimed at people who’ve gotten tired of playing other deckbuilders on their hardest difficulty setting. If that doesn’t scare you off, or if you like the idea of a game where the goal is to find Cthulhu and shove a missile through his eye socket, Abyss has enough tactical depth and flexibility to keep you occupied for a few dozen hours. Just go into it expecting some pain.
[Starless Abyss, developed by Konafa Games and published by No More Robots, is now available for PC via Steam for $19.99. This column was written using a code for the game purchased by Hard Drive.]
Happy July 4th! It’s time to celebrate America’s birthday for seemingly the final time. There are a lot of ways one can celebrate America. Fireworks, hot dog eating contests, diabetes and kindergarteners gunned down in finger painting class. While those are all fantastic ways to honor the American way of life, there’s no better way to celebrate everything America is than by committing some war crimes. In video games of course. After all, engaging in very illegal and abhorrent atrocities with absolutely no consequences whatsoever and bragging about how cool it was has been the American way since 1776. So to get into the July 4th spirit, here are the best war crimes you can do in video games.
White Phosphorus – Spec Ops: The Line
Spec Ops: The Line may just be the most accurate military shooter ever made. Not because the gameplay is based on any sort of realism, but because it’s the only one that unequivocally paints your character as the bad guy and tells you to your face that you shouldn’t enjoy playing war crime simulators for fun. Of course on the flip side, playing war crime simulators is the greatest way to show your love for America. So on this July 4th, play Spec Ops: The Line and shoot white phosphorus at the civilians you’re supposedly there to liberate.
Genocide – Uncharted
Is there anything more American than going to a foreign nation and committing mass murder in order to steal their valuables? That tradition is the only thing America kept from the British. It’s not only part of the American way but it also keeps them grounded in their roots. In that regard Nathan Drake really is the All-American Hero of gaming. He’s a charming everyman but he’s also single handedly killed more people both World Wars combined and he does it to inflate his ego and line his pockets. Put him on Mount Rushmore.
Playing – Mario Party
Completely destroying any positive relationship you had with your allies in order to selfishly line your own pockets to the detriment of those around you. Handing out participation awards. Stealing from others with no remorse. Mario Party is the game of American Values.
Unauthorized Nuke – Fallout 3
Nuking a city filled with innocent civilians just as a means to an end. It’s a tough choice that Fallout 3 presents the player with but it stops being tough once you remember that your character is American. Nuking settlements filled with non-combatants in order to further your interests is exactly the kind of principles that modern America was founded on. So on this July 4th, you go ahead and nuke Megaton anddon;t even feel bad about it. Feeling bad about it is un-American.
Blue Shell – Mario Kart Series
It’s like using a nuke but worse.
Various – Call of Duty Series
Here it is. The be-all end-all of war crime simulations. The Call of Duty series. Truthfully I could have made this entire list with just Call of Duty games. From nukes to white phosphorus, there are a dozen war crimes you can do as multiplayer kill streaks alone. That’s before you even get into the campaigns that let you do things like partake in things like illegal torture all the way to the massacre of an entire airport of civilians. Call of Duty is so American that in the Modern Warfare reboot there’s a level that references an actual war crime that the real American Military committed but blames the Russians for it and has you be the hero. You can’t get more American than that. Happy July 4th!
REDMOND, Wash. — Fearsome trash-talker and Halo matchmakingenthusiast Timmy Dobbins has lost a valuable online trump card this week as his father has reportedly lost his job at Microsoft, Dobbins confirmed.
“Okay so I guess Microsoft fired a bunch of people this week, and it looks like my dad might’ve been one of them,” said 12-year-old Timmy. “Which is total bullshit cause, like, my dad worked really hard for them and he was really good at banning all the people who were mean to me in Halo. But also, I’m not even really that worried because my dad still has some really powerful friends at Microsoft who can definitely still ban all these fucking griefers.”
Timmy’s father, Randall Dobbins, expanded upon his responsibilities with the company as well as his feelings on the company’s recent staffing changes.
“Yeah so my main role at Microsoft was to carefully and strategically ban certain accounts that may have been standing in the way of my son reaching Onyx in Halo: Infinite,” said Randall, 43. “The layoff wasn’t really a huge surprise though, they’ve really been cleaning house over there. In our division, we had a saying: ‘Don’t like your job? Just wait a month.’ Come December, Microsoft Gaming will mostly consist of Phil Spencer and whatever poor schmuck is caught neck deep playing Destiny with him. It’s not all bad, though. I was able to secure a severance package of 3 months’ Game Pass Ultimate and a few thousand Spartan Points.”
Fellow Halo lover Michael Diaz was quick to weigh in on how Timmy’s Dad’s employment status could affect his gameplay moving forward.
“I’ve lived in constant fear of Timmy for years,” said Diaz, 26. “If I saw him queue into my lobby, I’d just log out. I was terrified of making even one mistake and getting a perma-ban from Timmy’s dad. Now, I finally feel free. I’m excited to finally rack up kills in Fiesta Slayer in a world free from Timmy’s tyranny, and I know a lot of people feel the same.
At press time, Timmy is getting really into Counter-Strike following his dad’s promising interview at Valve.
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