Man Complaining About NPCs Bears Striking Resemblance to Oblivion NPCs

Posted on by Myles Conlon

ROCKVILLE, Md. — Friends and family of local man, Edgar Manis, have noticed in recent years an odd trend in Edgar’s speech. With every conversation becoming increasingly less coherent and constantly referring to others as ‘mindless NPCs’, according to their social media posts.

“It seemed like a one-off joke at first, but after a while, it became his whole personality,” said Edgar’s brother Franklin. “Between his constant worship of Elon and the other random bullshit he keeps saying it’s become impossible to hold anything resembling a conversation with him. The other day, he started a conversation with ‘Have you heard of the woke mind virus?’ Who the fuck says that!? I tried to be nice and just ignore it, but after he followed up with ‘I saw a couple of liberals the other day, annoying creatures.’ I had to call him out on it. But if you try to point out how weird that is, he’ll just call you an NPC, turn around, and walk away. More than once into a wall, in fact, but he’ll never admit it.”

Others close to Edgar claim that this may stem from him recently becoming obsessed with Elon Musk.

“He’s way more than just a fan of Elon, he practically worships the ground Elon walks on,” according to Edgar’s friend Lawrence. “The weird part is it’s only as recent as about a year or two ago when he took over Twitter, though he calls it X. He even got a Cybertruck just to prove how much of an adoring fan he is for everything Elon does, despite already owning a tesla that doesn’t look like a 3 year old designed it. ”

A short while later, the Bethesda Police Department reportedly took Edgar into custody following an altercation at a gym.

“Mr Manis was taken into custody early Tuesday morning after charging at another person in the gym,” according to a report from Officer John Wesson. “Mr. Manis claims he was performing a citizens’ arrest at the time and demands to be let go. However, according to other witnesses, nothing happened before Mr Manis screamed out ‘Stop right there criminal scum!’ and charged at the victim. Following being taken into custody, he revealed the reason for his actions was that he mistakenly believed the victim to be transgender. The victim has decided to press charges.”

According to follow-up social media posts from Edgar’s family, he has sold both his cars, including the Cybertruck, to try and fund his legal fees.

House Democrats Draft Incredibly Powerful Social Media Post

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — Motivated by the outcries of countless Americans, House Democrats assembled last night to collaborate and draft a powerful and damning social media post, our sources confirm. 

“It was an incredibly successful session, probably the most work we’ve gotten done all year.” said Rep. Donald Norcross of New Jersey sipping a celebratory cocktail in his chambers. “Next time Trump abuses his power, expect a swift retaliatory tweet that is sure to go viral.”

The outcome of the 2024 Election left the Democratic party’s image tarnished. As a result, liberal members of the House hired prestigious PR and social media teams to do damage control to win back the good will of their constituents. 

“Being a politician these days isn’t about getting legislation passed, it’s about going viral on Tik Tok by criticizing the very establishment they were elected to fix,” said Maddy Kilmer, the Democratic Party’s Gen Z social media liaison. “All I need to do is run the captions through ChatGPT a couple times, find the right Real Housewives or Kendrick Lamar audio, and get these old boomers to do an easy dance et voilà! They’re reelected for the next four years.”

As President Trump and the GOP run rampant on democracy, Democrats struggle to stay relevant, going as far as touring across battleground states six months too late, and even filibustering for over 24 hours on the Senate floor. 

“This administration has saturated the market with dangerous rhetoric, and our only way to fight back is to like and share this post with ten of your friends,” said House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jefferies in his latest Instagram reel. “And don’t forget to head over to my Youtube page to subscribe and ring the bell so you can be notified whenever a new episode of the Podcast drops.”

At press time, House Republicans have also amassed to draft reciprocal social media posts filled with xenophobia and whataboutisms.

“We Didn’t Watch Brain Rot When I Was Your Age” Says Millennial Who Can Recite Every YTMND Meme From Memory

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS, Min. — Brian Howard, 40, spent upwards of an hour fruitlessly explaining to his nephew that brain rot videos did not exist when he was a teenager, in spite of the fact he could easily recite every meme and sound clip from the website You’re the Man Now Dog, family members have confirmed.

“See, our irreverent and weird memes had substance. Not this mindless skibidi toilet or creepy YouTube family crap where there’s no subtext or commentary. Back in my day you could spend all day looking at memes online and feel more intelligent than when you started,” said Howard, whose pop culture references are made up entirely of YTMND quotes. “You kids today just regurgitate whatever crap you watch on TikTok and don’t even question how stupid it is! Seriously, look at all these Office Space pages I made in my teens. It’s called variations on a theme, buddy. This is a lost art.”

Howard’s nephew, Noah, was less than pleased to receive a lecture from someone he perceived as a brazen hypocrite.

“Uncle Brian thinks stuff like Ohio, rizz, and gooning are killing my brain? I don’t think he realizes I have access to the same websites he used to visit and what I’ve seen is shocking. He is one ‘Moon Man’ quote in a public setting away from being cancelled, and I’m not going to bail him out when it happens,” said Noah Howard. “He literally cannot read anything out loud without reciting like the Dramatic Reading of a Breakup Letter. I wish we just did normal things together, like look at new YTMND stuff, but he always complains it’s not the same. His brain isn’t capable of acknowledging internet content past 2011.”

Internet historians acknowledged that Brian’s situation is just a cycle repeating itself.

“Having been present for the immense expansion of the early internet, millennials look at their mindless indulgences and vernacular as still being relevant. But the oldest running joke in civilization is that you’ll wake up one day and believe all the kids are wrong,” said Mark Wallace. “And yeah, that does include believing 3D text over meatspin GIFs and random audio from Star Trek: TNG was the pinnacle of internet humor and shouldn’t have evolved before that. Which, as an older millennial myself, is completely valid. You just had to be there, okay?”

Brian spent the rest of the afternoon under intense pressure from his nephew to admit whether or not he participated in the Tide pod challenge.

Game Night: Climb For Your Life in ‘White Knuckle’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

White Knuckle is a roguelite. I wish it wasn’t.

Now available on Steam Early Access, White Knuckle is a first-person horror game that drops you at the bottom of a massive ventilation shaft, connected to some unseen facility. Something has gone wrong and you have to escape, but the only way out is up. You have to scale the walls 50 meters at a time, using whatever handholds you can find or make.

Shortly after you start, the shaft slowly fills with a black liquid called the Mass. If you touch it, it absorbs you and your run is over. The Mass isn’t fast, but if you take too long to make your next move or you miss a jump, it’s always waiting to pull you under. You’ll occasionally reach an environmental seal in the shaft, but that only buys you some time.

There are other hazards, such as monsters that try to snare you with their sticky tongues (the developers admit Half-Life was an influence here), but most of my runs through White Knuckle have been about me vs. gravity, and the Mass.

There’s a deliberate lack of precision to both the game’s physics and systems, and you’re encouraged to stretch them both to the breaking point. If something looks like you can grab it, you probably can. If something might be in your reach, it probably is. You can only maintain your grip for so long, however, and you’ll frequently run out of obvious routes. Sooner or later, you have to improvise under pressure.

White Knuckle’s horror is, more than anything else, about that pressure. It has very little music and its sound effects are used sparingly. Every once in a while, you’ll hear a pre-recorded message from the facility’s PA system about local outages, which only hints at what’s happened. It’s quiet, but it’s intense, especially when some distant hiss or crash breaks the silence.

I don’t ordinarily enjoy this sort of first-person platformer, especially ones where I can’t see my character’s feet, but White Knuckle takes a freeform approach that cuts down on a lot of my usual issues.

You can grab almost anything in White Knuckle that has a distinct corner or edge, such as a railing or a crate, and you can use pitons, improvised rope spears, or chunks of rebar to create your own handholds on the fly. It’s messy, but it knows that and works with it. When it works, it works very well, although it occasionally breaks in unexpected ways.

My biggest surprise was that falling doesn’t kill you unless you end up submerged in the Mass, which takes some of the sting out of missing a jump. The real problem is that if and when you fall, it sets you back far enough that you’ve probably used up all your lead time. Now you get to race back up the nearest wall with a Lovecraftian oil spill on your heels.

As noted above, White Knuckle is launching into Early Access. This is a trip report from the earliest available version of the game, rather than a full review, since the game isn’t complete. According to its Steam page, the developers expect to be in EA for about a year.

With that in mind, I expect that the game’s roughest edges, such as a few under- or unexplained mechanics, will get addressed. White Knuckle does ask you to twist your fingers into the occasional knot, especially if you’re trying to use an item in mid-climb, and a couple of elements like its upgrade system are unnecessarily complicated.

My biggest issue, as I noted above, is that White Knuckle is a roguelite. Once you get past the first seal, the rest of your run appears to be a randomized selection of short hand-made maps. Some of those maps are much more difficult than others, and a few essentially present a hard stop to the run unless you’ve found and kept the right items.

More importantly, dying in White Knuckle is obnoxious. If you get killed, you’re sent all the way back to the beginning, and death can be cheap. While I get that the precarity is a deliberate part of White Knuckle’s tension, I’d argue that it doesn’t pair well with a game in which you can die from a single missed input. I’d be more comfortable with the overall experience if you got a quick-save every time you crossed a seal, or if you could load a fixed sequence of levels at the start of a run.

As it is, I’d argue White Knuckle is worth a look. You have to have a high threshold for both frustration and first-person motion sickness, but it’s quietly creepy with a solid hook. If it keeps up its current momentum, White Knuckle could be a decent sleeper hit, on the basis of doing a few simple things as well as it can.

[White Knuckle, developed by Dark Machine and published by DreadXP, is now available on Steam Early Access. This column was written using a code sent to Hard Drive via a DreadXP PR representative.]

We Look Back on the January 6th Level of Untitled Goose Game

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Few games released over the past decade match the quaint charm of 2019’s indie puzzle hit “Untitled Goose Game,” in which the player guides the winged title (or rather, “untitle”) character on a whimsical, rabble-rousing journey through a sleepy English village. With endearing missions ranging from pumpkin theft all the way to tea-spilling, it ensured a pleasantly amusing experience for casual and die-hard gamers alike. You may even have a non-gaming friend or relative who was drawn into the antics of the mischievous protagonist. After all, who can pass up the opportunity to be a nuisance from time to time?

It was with this in mind that we were taken aback by the game’s 2021 “January 6th” DLC level. The attack on our country’s congressional seat by hordes of disinformed idiots is known by rationally-minded Americans as the embarrassing and disgraceful culmination of an entire political party kowtowing to the narcissistic and demented whims of a wealthy conman turned failed politician, who was ultimately rewarded for his disgraceful actions with a second term in office. It hardly seems like it provides good fodder for something with Untitled Goose Game’s darling reputation, so we decided to revisit in case there was something we had missed in our first playthrough four years ago.

While the gameplay still consists of assigned checklists set to jaunty Claude Debussy piano passages matching the tempo of the onscreen action, it now has much more sinister undertones. Why is the focus all of a sudden on domestic terrorism, rather than on being an adorable pest to faceless townsfolk? Take the “use your beak to untie the Capitol police officer’s shoe” task early in the level. While seemingly harmless at face value, the intimation is clear as we see a bearded militia member approaching the distracted lawman with a can of bear mace in his hand while our goose makes its way to the next area. Or the “move Nancy Pelosi’s wastepaper basket out from under her desk” objective. This initially seems aligned with the gentle behavior of the little rascal we know and love from the original, until we see the Confederate-flag waving gentleman in the Carhardt jacket step into the then-Speaker of the House’s office and defecate into the freshly uncovered waste receptacle. The crafty stealth and puzzle-solving of the original are still there, but much of its appeal fades away as the gamer is reminded of how much of a repugnant hellscape Americans have let their once impressive empire devolve into. After all, this is something most people are trying to escape while playing video games.

In closing, do we still think this level is worth playing? Absolutely, and especially if you’re a fan of the original. We just hope the setting was a one-off misfire, and the franchise returns to its roots in any potential sequels the future may have in store for us. We definitely prefer the idea of using our antics to stir up minor inconveniences for a collection of good-hearted Brits over contributing to the rapid and irrevocable decay of our country’s political order, and we hope the developers over at House House Pty Ltd understand this going forward.

Stardew Valley’s “Shirley Jackson” Update Adds Exciting New Festival to the Calendar

Posted on by Peter Cunis

LOS ANGELES, CA — Over a year after its 1.6 update, Stardew Valley is getting yet another surprise update. Solo developer Eric “ConcernedApe” Barrone took to X earlier today to announce the new “Shirley Jackson” update, which should be arriving sometime later this year.

“I’m very excited for you all to experience the new festival, which takes place on day 27 of summer,” stated Barrone in his announcement, “Every villager will gather in the square and take part in a raffle. I’m not going to tell you what the prize is yet, but let’s just say you should head to the mines and load up on stone before the 27th!”

ConcernedApe also suggests that players should consider detaching themselves emotionally from the other villagers before the festival. “Take update 1.6 as a reminder that Stardew is a utilitarian game. It’s great that players form personal attachments for their in-game friends and neighbors, but remember that this town has traditions that demonstrably boost corn production, and those traditions take precedence over your personal feelings for others.”

But that’s not all! ConcernedApe also hinted at a new Farmhouse: “I’m just going to put this out there: you might be able to move into a house that, not sane, has stood for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. If you like upright walls, firm floors, and sensibly shut doors, get ready!”

Stardew fans took to social media to voice their excitement for the upcoming festival. “I can’t believe that after all these years, ConcernedApe is still coming up with new ideas,” posted Leahssweetcheeks00 on Reddit, “I’m so excited to see what fun shenanigans we get up to at this new festival! And oh boy, if we get more corn out of it, all the better.” On the Stardew Facebook page, one savvy commenter theorized that “this for sure will be the update that reveals that everyone in Stardew Valley has been dead all along.” And popular Stardew streamer BrickMeUpPierre speculated that “nothing could possibly go wrong with this new festival.”

The 1.6 update for Stardew Valley is scheduled to drop on June 26th, which is the anniversary of some old short story or something.

Weapons Merchant Just Invited You to His Improv Show

Posted on by Garry Kerls

RURAL SPAIN — Deep in the catacombs of a believed to be abandoned castle, a mysterious cloaked figure pedals weapons, ammunition, and flyers for an improv show that guarantees a hilarious night of comedy, our sources confirm.

“Oi, stranger! What’re ya buyin’? What’re ya sellin’? And what’re ya doing Thursday night?” The cockney arms dealer said as he exposed numerous interior pockets filled with weapons and props. “Take this flyer mate, the shows got a two drink minimum but give them this and they’ll bump it down to one.”

The flyer advertises an “Infectiously Silly” night of Improv. Featuring long-form, Harold style improvisational comedy from local troops, with special guest monologist, Sam Reich.

“It sounds like a nightmare!” said one tourist who accepted a flyer as a common courtesy. “I’m here for one thing, to save the President’s daughter, I don’t have time for a comedy show.”

The surprisingly boisterous comedy scene in the Spanish countryside has taken a toll recently. The farmers and village peasants have stopped filling seats, and venues have had to consider different forms of entertainment.

“Stand-up nights just aren’t popping like they used to,” says one club owner taking a chance on an improv show. “We used to cut sets short every other night with a surprise drop in from Louis C.K., now we’d be lucky to sell half the door.”

The weapon merchant’s improv team – which consists of him, the Minecraft Wandering Trader, Tom Nook, and Beedle – have been practicing for weeks, doing icebreakers and playing zip zap zop.

“It’s really been good for my mental health,” the merchant told our sources after doing a scene as JFK in a spaceship made of nipples. “I spend my entire day in a wet, dreary, dungeon. Sometimes I won’t talk to another living person for days. It feels really good to be silly from time to time.”

At press time, the improv show has been cancelled due to a mass outbreak of the Las Plagas parasite.

Theater Crowds Overpower National Guard As Military Deployed to Quell Minecraft Movie Chaos

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

The second American Revolution has been incited by none other than Warner Bros’ Pictures Minecraft movie. Somehow, in some way, a capitalistic corporate cash grab has inspired an uprising of the proletariat against the ruling class. Scores of theatergoers across the country have violently overwhelmed police blockades, SWAT teams, and entire precincts, prompting the federal government to enact martial law and mobilize the National Guard on U.S. soil.

“People are saying flint and steel, flint and steel. I’m all for more flint and steel being mined here, but these radical Marxist Minecrafters want to ramp it up to flintlock and gunpowder,” President Trump remarked in a White House press conference. “They probably worship Jack Black, Jack Hack’s what I call him, because he’s got a big bushy beard like Karl’s. We can’t let this get too carried away, folks! Otherwise, I’ll have to impose a 1025% tariff on box offices. We love figures ending in odd numbers, they have a more threatening ring to them, don’t they?”

However, the efforts to clamp down on the anarchic reactions and responses to A Minecraft Movie have ultimately proven to be futile. Working class theater patrons across America have coalesced to form ruptures in the country’s balance of power, with nothing left to lose but their popcorn buckets. As pixelated chickens have overtaken Luigi hats as the predominant video game-themed symbol of revolt, one figure has emerged as the voice of the rebellion, Gen Alpha’s very own Spartacus, a 12-year-old iPad kid named Steve.

“We have the numbers to flip over every 5-0’s cruiser, we have the numbers to flip every GI’s Humvee, to topple every tank in every platoon!” Steve declared in a rousing speech outside Hollywood’s famous TCL Theatre. “We have the numbers to quash one of the world’s largest standing armies, to crush the elites under the weight of their fat pockets, and wield their own tools against them. To destroy this Goliathan giant like the Chicken Jockey destroyed Jason Momoa in the ring. We have the numbers to seize the means of production from Notch, and we all deserve a piece of that neckbeard’s pie!”

It’s believed that millions have taken to the streets so far, amassing in unison to proclaim that they are Steve. Upon being asked to comment on the nationwide movement inspired by the movie inspired by his video game, Markus “Notch” Persson’s reaction was one of confusion.

“I’ve been too busy being alone in my estate and shopping for new fedoras to keep up with the news. News that isn’t filtered and spun through the QAnon accounts I follow, that is. I outbid Jay Z and Beyonce for this mansion, but it still hasn’t bought me any fulfillment!”

At press time, the casualties on both sides of this ongoing conflict are unknown.

Bowser Now Stealing 33% More Stars and Coins From American Mario Party Players

Posted on by Kate Danvers

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — An all-too common argument erupted during one of Mario’s famous parties on Wednesday, though this time it had nothing to do with someone being bullied in a minigame. The row started when Luigi Mario objected to the number of coins taken from him when his roll landed him on a Bowser space.

“He charge-a me eight coins just for walking by him, but not two minutes earlier, Toad only had to pay six coins,” said the plumber from Brooklyn, New York, “I know-a what this is. This is because-a we’re Italian!”

King Bowser, monarch of the Koopa Kingdom didn’t deny the discrepancy in the two charges, but denied it had anything to do with heritage.

“He’s Italian? I never would have guessed,” said the shakedown tyrant, rolling his eyes, “look, it’s not personal, it’s just business. America started charging tariffs on imported goods and that affects my bottom line. Bob-ombs, floating platforms, minion costs – I gotta make up the difference somewhere. Luigi is from Brooklyn, it’s just a reciprocal tariff and I think a 33% increase is fair. If he doesn’t like it he should be mad at Wario for voting that guy in.”

Bowser’s explanation didn’t convince Mario Mario, brother of Luigi and host of the event. He argued that Mario Party is held in the Mushroom Kingdom, not America.

“It’s-a my party!” Mario shouted, before regaining his composure, “I never invited Bowser to extort coins and stars from my guests in the first place, but now he’s charging me and Luigi more just for being from America. I don’t know if I can afford to keep hosting these events. Coins don’t grow-a on trees, you know?”

At press time, attendees were unavailable for further comment after another guest pointed out that coins in the kingdom commonly float above trees, sparking another argument.

“The Pitt” Scenes Ranked by Medical Bills for the Patients, Therapy Bills for the Providers

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

The American for-profit healthcare system is fucked, and primed to fuck every American who doesn’t have more than seven digits stashed in their bank account. No lube, no Cialis, no romantic bathtubs with rose petals and lit candles. Lawful and unlawful attempts to unfuck this system have continually been thwarted by McDonald’s CCTV cameras and billionaire oligarchs alike.

It’s easily one of the most fucked up games we’ve ever covered on this site. Despite messages sent both via peaceful protests and untraceable ghost Glocks, hundreds of thousands of Americans continue to be plunged into exorbitant medical debt each year. One new series that has been sending a message and shedding light on how fucked this system is, is the new Max medical drama “The Pitt.” 

The show recently wrapped its first season, taking place over the span of a single shift, as the Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center lives up to its name. Helmed by Noah Wyle’s Dr. Robby, he and his staff work together through the most harrowing and horrific day shift possible. An unfathomable amount of grief and human tragedy unfolds over the course of 15 hours, culminating in the doctors sharing some much-deserved beers.

This series provides an unflinching, unrelenting look at the issues, inequities, and struggles that healthcare workers face in the US, as well as those their patients face. Though it thoroughly examines the heart wrenching human cost inflicted on both parties, the show seldom touches on the financial cost of the emergency medical procedures it depicts. We found that to be a rather strange creative choice; after all, that’s the cost our capitalistic, profit-driven, private healthcare system values the most.

So, out of sheer morbid curiosity, we decided to calculate, estimate, and make wholly uneducated guesses about the cost of the emergency medicine treatments portrayed on the show. Both the treatments themselves, as well as the years upon years of intensive therapy sessions that each provider will need to cope with the horrors of the American healthcare system. The following is a spoiler-filled run through of the top 10 examples of these horrors in The Pitt’s first season. Read on to learn some financial factoids that will make you wish Luigi had never gone into that Altoona McDonald’s that day.

10. The E.R.’s Recurring Rat Rendezvous

A running gag that brings some levity throughout the unrelenting sadness of this series is a trio of rats. The emergency department staff have to deal with these rodents from fairly early on, as a patient lets them loose in the second hour of their shift.

This gives Dr. Heather Collins a scare, and Dr. Robby yet another stressor to top off the most nightmarish possible shift in his medical career.

Dr. Whitaker manages to deal with one of these rats later on the shift, but the fate of the other two ultimately remains unanswered by the season finale.

In the United States, pest control and vermin extermination can cost anywhere from $300 to $1000. It can also cost the future of a likable Italian-American man with a backpack full of Monopoly money, but he’s still innocent until proven guilty.

9. Dr. Santos’ REBOA Procedure In S1E13

While the emergency room’s crises come to a head, Dr. Santos performs a life saving, finance-destroying REBOA on a patient. A resuscitative endovascular balloon occlusion of the aorta can easily cost upwards of tens of thousands of dollars in the US.

While this individual is probably grateful to be alive, they probably aren’t so grateful to be upwards of 49 grand in the hole. The insurance executive sipping margaritas at his all inclusive beach resort, however, is probably having a blast.

8. Episode 13’s IO Drill Incidents

Dr. Samira Mohan uses this nifty tool to relieve a patient’s intracranial pressure, and stop the bleeding in his head. We also see Whitaker misuse and mutilate a patient with this tool, drilling into a party clown’s arm.

If Pagliacci or the other guy doesn’t have insurance, there goes up to 3 grand! There are a lot of reasons to be a sad clown in this healthcare system. Speaking of which, a 30-day supply of an antidepressant like Zoloft can cost you another $544 out of pocket.

7. The PittFest Mass Casualty Incident

From Episodes 11 through 14, the ER workers are confronted with an all too routine American phenomenon. A local music festival is wracked by a tragic crisis that our abject farce of a government has decided to collectively shrug its shoulders at.

A gun violence crisis that will cost a lump sum of thoughts, prayers, and empty platitudes from lawmakers who won’t actually do a damn thing about the problem.

6. Dr. Santos’ Saline Injection In Episode 9

Much to Dr. Langdon’s chagrin, Dr. Trinity Santos attempted to treat a patient who had an adverse drug reaction with a saline injection. This intravenous therapy is used for a variety of purposes, from wound cleaning to emergency hydration.

These IV packages can sometimes cost up to $625 out of pocket. Look forward to skyrocketing lifesaving care costs once the pharmaceutical tariffs go into effect!

5. The Drowning Victim In Episode 8

Not gonna make any jokes about this storyline.

If you didn’t shed at least a single tear in response to this subplot, that’s a damn near sociopathic lack of empathy right there. Rest in peace, Amber.

4. Teddy, Episode 10’s Burn Victim

The horror of the mutilated eye at 4:00 P.M. is subsequently outdone by the horror of Teddy, the man covered in third-degree burns wheeled in by Whitaker. The doctor warns him that he runs a high risk of dying of sepsis, but we don’t know if he lives or dies.

Treating full-body third-degree burns could easily be ballparked into six or seven-figure medical bills, depending on the severity of the injuries. If Whitaker sought talk therapy for that trauma, amongst many others, he could cough up to $200 per session without insurance as a medical intern. God bless America!

3. Dr. Javadi’s Eye-Opening Operation in Episode 10

As the shift gradually approaches the evening, we watch Dr. Victoria Javadi perform a lateral canthotomy on a high school baseball prodigy who took a fastball to the eye.

We watch her and Dr. McKay slice it open Salvador Dali style, as they successfully perform a surgical procedure that can cost upwards of five grand without insurance.

On top of the therapy Dr. Javadi will need to handle her narcissitic mom, it might take some pretty costly exposure therapy to get over seeing gruesome images like that on your first emergency room shift. 

That’s not even touching on the patient with the degloved foot, or the one going through testicular torsion. All of those would earn a firm frown on the Universal Pain Scale.

2. Dr. Mel’s Road Rash Treatment In Episode 9

In Episode 9, we watch Dr. Melissa King pluck hundreds of gravel specks out of a guy’s leg. Depending on the severity of a motorcycle crash, you could pay anywhere from five to six figures out of pocket for surgical procedures to treat it.

As far as EMDR therapy sessions to cope with witnessing something that gruesome and gory, you could pay up to $250 per session without insurance.

1. Cost of the Treatments of Dr. Whitaker’s Patient In Episode 3

In the third episode of the series, we watch Student Doctor Whitaker struggle to keep a patient alive with CPR, only for them to tragically pass away.

This patient suffers from gallstones and a subsequent heart attack, both of which are a double whammy to treat out of pocket in the United States of America. Expect to cough up to 25 Gs to pay for gallblader surgery with no insurance. With heart attack treatment, expect to lose upwards of $20,000 on the low end. This poor man was damned in life and in death.

As for poor Dr. Whitaker, medical students in the United States are typically paid a grand total of jack fucking shit. Meaning that he endured his first shift, fifteen hours of unrelenting tragedy, horror, and traumatization with no mental health benefits and for not so much as a penny.