EVERETT, Mass. — Father of three Paul Danvers announced he has ceased dispensing guidance unless his adult children pay up, according to intrigued neighborhood dads.
“When my kids were young, I freely doled out my advice,” said Danvers. “But now that my youngest has turned 18, things are changing. I’ve got five decades of accumulated wisdom, and if they want to continue to tap into it, they’re going to subscribe to one of the plans I’m offering. The Economy program is only $10 per month, and entitles subscribers to access my knowledge concerning basic topics like car repair and sports, while the Gold level gives access to the full breadth of my wisdom. This includes advanced home repair, investing tips and even bonus ‘atta boys’ and ‘atta girls’.”
Danvers’ youngest child Lucy was disappointed when her father’s advice was abruptly cut off.
“Dad always gave us great advice when we were growing up, but I guess at some point he realized he shouldn’t be giving this stuff away for free,” said Ms. Danvers. “I decided I’m willing to pay for the Intermediate tier just so I can continue to go to him for his input on important issues. Like last week, I was put in charge of the grill at our sorority cookout and his tips saved the day. However, when I recently asked for his opinion on my new boyfriend, dad told me that sort of content is only available to Gold tier members.”
Ethan Swain, host of a motivational ‘grindset’ podcast, applauds Danvers’ ingenuity.
“It’s the 21st century, dog,” said Swain from somewhere within a thick vape cloud. “It’s not enough just to have a side hustle. Your side hustle needs a side hustle. So if this dude figured out a way to commodify something that most people give away for free, more power to him. I say don’t stop there. He should put together a pitch deck, get some angel investors and launch an app to make it easy for other dads to monetize their advice. You never leave money on the table.”
At press time, Danvers had informed his children of price increases across all tiers and the inclusion of ads with the Basic membership.
WASHINGTON — As part of his alleged plan to find the cause and cure for autism, US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has ordered the creation of a national registry of all Americans with autism as well as those that have played a Sonic the Hedgehog game.
“For years, I’ve tried to warn people of the link between vaccines and autism, only to be dismissed by so-called ‘scientists,’” explained Kennedy in a recent press conference. “But in the process, I’ve neglected something only a fool could deny is connected to the recent autism epidemic: Sonic games. Ever since the Blue Blur made his debut in 1991, autism rates have skyrocketed, and countless of those poor, useless children claim to be fans of the series. I don’t know for a fact that Sonic games are the cause of autism, but give me enough personal information and I’ll know it in a few months.”
Disability advocates, human rights organizations, and Sega shareholders have denounced Kennedy’s plan as the beginning of a sinister eugenicist plot, though the Trump administration insists it’s all purely in the interest of national health.
“Any rumors you’ve heard of this being a pretext to send innocent American citizens to concentration camps is simply absurd,” said NIH director Jay Bhattacharya. “We already know how to do that without autism, why make up a reason? No, once we have the names, addresses, and financial information of every single American who’s ever touched a Sonic game, that data will be used strictly for scientific research. Even now, we’re making great strides into uncovering the link between Sonic and autism.” With this remark, Bhattacharya removed the last screw from the case of the Sega Genesis he was taking apart. “Did you know that the original Sonic machine used ‘blast processing?’ I don’t know what that is, but until we know more I can’t rule out that they blasted autism directly into children’s minds.”
While the NIH collects the private medical records of every person diagnosed with autism in the United States, Kennedy has begun consulting various retailers and financial institutions to collect every known instance of a mainline Sonic game being purchased, with hopes of including spin-offs and crossovers by the end of the summer.
“While we’ve been contacted by Secretary Kennedy about our records, we’re appalled by this administration’s efforts to breach our customers’ privacy,” confirmed GameStop CEO Ryan Cohen. “GameStop will not disclose decades’ worth of other people’s confidential personal information so a corrupt government can chase harmful pseudoscience. Not unless they paid us a lot of money for it. Like, a hundred dollars at least.”
At press time, Secretary Kennedy was musing if a real-life recreation of the Carnival Night Zone barrel would make the wellness farms easier or harder to escape.
WASHINGTON— US Health Secretary, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., announced a ban on all Mountain Dew flavors, except for Baja Blast earlier this week, as part of his ongoing war on sugar. His latest ban came during a heated news conference where Kennedy disparaged the soft drink’s variety of flavors.
“You want to put something called ‘Code Red’ in your body, yet, I’m the crazy one,” Kennedy said to members of the press as they gulped down what remained of their newly banned favorite flavors. “It’s disgusting. It’s making kids fat, ugly, and stupid. If you want to drink Mountain Dew, it has to be Baja Blast. It’s the natural color of the ocean and I should know, cause I’m often swimming through it hunting for seals.”
Kennedy’s ban effectively removes all versions of original Moutain Dew, Code Red, Livewire, Voltage, and Diet Dew from store shelves and soda fountains around the nation. Recipes for discontinued flavors such as Pitch Black and Voo-Doo are to be destroyed and any flavor scientists with memory of those recipes are to be shot in the head, twice. Bottled Baja Blasts are also unauthorized with the ban, though Kennedy noted an intentional loophole.
“Consumption of Baja Blast must be done from a Taco Bell fountain,” Kennedy said before crunching into a Dorito Locos Taco and washing it down with an ice-cold Baja Blast. “I’ve been drinking raw Baja Blast since 2004. There’s no better combo than horse meat and a Baja Blast straight from the source.”
Scientists well versed in Mountain Dew and its effectiveness in culling dense populations of gamers are now worried the ban may lead to overpopulation.
“Putting it mildly, this is the most humane way for us to control gamer populations,” said Randi Heaton, a scientist who’s worked with the FDA numerous times to cull the invasive species. “No Gamer Fuel means no diabetes, which means longer life spans for your average gamer. Without any population control, message boards and Twitter won’t be able to handle the influx of new gamers. We’re heading for the end as far as I’m concerned.”
At press time, remaining Mountain Dew supplies had plunged after gamers flooded stores to stock up on their favorite flavors, driving the cost of a 2-liter bottle to almost as much as a half-dozen eggs.
IMPERIAL CITY, Cyrodil — A popular pickup artist has released “Wheel Women Into Your Bed,” a course on seducing women with the Persuasion Wheel.
“Delighted to finally share this with you all,” posted Jeremy “Battlehorny Castellan” Bradus. “Women are more confusing than ever before, and rather than attempt the bare minimum like showering or making yourself interesting, men can instead find their next sexual conquest by mastering this clunky-ass minigame from 2005.”
For the price of $879.99, prospective incels can learn incredible techniques from a nine-lesson course. Some of the lessons include “Rotate to Procreate”, “Imperial Breeches to Get Bitches”, and “One Second Charm”. Reviews thus far have been mixed.
“Honestly, I’m still struggling,” admitted Rob Stedrine. “I don’t really know how to tell a joke, and the only thing worth boasting about is my service in Gamergate. If I couldn’t try coercing women, I don’t know how I’d interact with them at all. At least I can just pile them with money.”
As news of the course has spread, support for it has come from an unlikely source.
“Finally,” Todd Howard exclaimed as he brandished a copy of Skyrim. “I invented the Persuasion Wheel to teach people the art of human interaction. My life’s work has been to bestow my incredible knowledge upon humanity, in the form of digital products and expensive DLC. May you lowly scum continue to bask in the brilliance of my mind.”
At press time, several people who took the course complained their infamy was too high to even attempt a conversation with a woman.
SAN FRANCISCO — After struggling to find their footing in the content creator landscape, a local YouTuber has seemed to have found their groove by condescendingly reading Wikipedia at the viewer, our sources confirm.
“After years of trying reaction content and unboxing videos, I finally found what my audience really wants from my channel – a patronizing summary of free information,” said Dylan Whitehead, known as ‘ThePrequelPreacher’ on YouTube. “The hardest part is getting ChatGPT to rewrite the Wikipedia articles from the POV of a privileged white guy with a superiority complex.”
The Gen Z content creator has gone mildly viral with his last two videos – “This is actually why Revenge of the Sith is the best Star Wars” and “You probably don’t understand the depth of Donnie Darko.”
“I usually hate when guys mansplain the intricacies of the Galactic Trade Federation, but for some reason, The Prequel Preacher’s combination of snobby tone and encyclopedic knowledge really works for me,” said one subscriber who argues with every comment that disagrees with the content of the video. “It reminds me of being lectured by a self-righteous librarian.”
This recent online validation has caused Whitehead’s persona to lean into arrogant know-it-all, when in reality, the 23 year old high school graduate hasn’t read a book in almost a decade.
“I gotta shout out my personal heroes, Joe Rogan and Andrew Tate. Those guys are trailblazers for narcissistic men on the internet who talk about things that they have no knowledge of for validation and attention,” said the self-proclaimed best video essayist on YouTube. “You can do it too! All you need is an obnoxious thumbnail, a rambling title, and the ego of an all knowing god on earth.”
At press time, fellow YouTube video essay creator, HBomberguy, has amassed a 10-hour takedown of the Prequel Preacher’s plagiarism.
One of my favorite types of B-movies is when the creators clearly didn’t bother to do any research on filmmaking before they started. No books were read and no questions were asked; every time these people hit one of the thousand problems that crop up on a film set, they freestyled their solution. Sometimes that results in a flash of genius. More often, someone finds a way to either make new mistakes or unearth old ones.
In retrospect, this is a natural consequence whenever some new media technology becomes accessible to any geek off the street. Eventually it’ll fall into the hands of a driven amateur and the results can get a little weird, independently of the quality of the production.
Speaking of which—INAYAH: Life After Gods is a new 2D action-platformer from the (I assume to be) German developer Exogenesis Studios, which funded INAYAH’s development via a successful Kickstarter in 2024.
According to Exogenesis’ bio, the team includes several unidentified “international game and software development veterans” who previously worked on Rogue Trader and Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous, as well as a team of artists with experience at Blizzard and Disney.
That’s a stacked lineup for a game that still turned out distinctly off-kilter. INAYAH looks great, has multiple useful quality-of-life features, and is set in a colorful, memorable post-apocalyptic world. However, it’s also plagued by a bunch of mechanical issues that drag down the whole.
Inayah is one of a handful of survivors who live in the ruins of an ancient civilization, which fell so long ago that its creators are viewed by modern humans as dead, unknowable gods. Inayah’s world is full of crumbling tunnels, half-functioning machines nicknamed “iron,” and hostile, mutated plant life.
While exploring the ruins one day, Inayah accidentally reactivates a subway car that carries her to a distant part of the ruins. She quickly discovers that she’s in hostile territory, as the ruins are home to the Ironskins, a band of marauders that orphaned her as a child. They also hold ancient weapons, as well as clues that could lead her to the family she never got the chance to know.
Like Awaken: Astral Blade, INAYAH is a 2D action/platformer that’s got a lot in common with both Metroid and Dark Souls. (I’ve started to feel slightly silly about using terms like “Soulslike” and “Metroidvania,” as they don’t make sense to anyone outside the hobby.) You’re dropped off at one point in a sprawling maze of tunnels and are largely left to explore. As you defeat mutants, you pick up currency that can be spent on upgrades, many of which improve your mobility so you can explore previously inaccessible parts of the map.
You initially get the chance to choose one of 3 weapons, each of which have their own upgrade tree and offer a couple of unique offensive and defensive options. The twin swords let you parry attacks and perform a Zelda II-style up- and downthrust; the fists give you a defensive shield, the ability to climb up certain walls, and an eight-way air dash; and the flail can knock down walls or latch onto magnetic points in the environment.
You’ll eventually unlock access to all 3 at once, which is an interesting overall approach to the formula. Instead of having a traditional double-jump, INAYAH sets you up with some freeform platforming challenges, where you can string your various abilities together to reach new locations. It’s flexible, and the upgrade trees give you a lot of options for customizing your overall approach to both exploration and combat.
However, that also ties into the single biggest problem with INAYAH: it doesn’t convey information to the player very well. It does have a short, basic tutorial that lasts up to the point where you get your first weapon, but you’re never informed about your later movement options or the existence of the upgrade tree. I spent the first hour of the game collecting currency, wondering when I’d get to spend it, then noticed the option to do so had quietly appeared in my pause menu.
The same issue extends to the environments. INAYAH has some incredible art, with an overall style that reminds me of post-apocalyptic stories from Heavy Metal. It’s beautiful, but it’s often difficult to tell at a glance whether something in the environment is meant to be interactive. Whenever I’ve gotten stuck in INAYAH, it’s been because I thought part of the background was a wall or a usable ledge, or because I was supposed to be using new movement options that the game didn’t tell me I had.
It’s the sort of problem that I’ve come to associate with animators or TV producers who pivot to game design. They often create some spectacular visuals or tell an interesting story, but they don’t pay anywhere near as much attention to the mechanics. The result is a game that looks great, but often has a few old mistakes in the mix.
That relegates INAYAH: Life After Gods to the “good effort” pile. It’s a significant achievement as a piece of media, but it’s a significantly flawed video game. I want to like it more than I do, as there’s some real love and effort on display. If its creators get the chance to patch out some of its issues (i.e. outlining or color-shifting interactive objects so they’re easier to see), it could be a decent pickup, but it’s hard to recommend in its current state.
[INAYAH: Life After Gods, developed by Exogenesis Studios and published by Headup, is now available for PC via Steam and Itch.io for $24.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a PR representative for Headup.]
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A brief follow-up:
This column marks the end of Game Night’s first year. I pitched this on a random whim, and am sort of surprised it was allowed to go on for this long. I’d be happy to do this for years to come, or until the nation burns down around me, whichever comes first.
In the meantime, thanks for reading, and here’s to a second year of weekly indie games.
Sinners blew the doors off of the box office this weekend and left its mark on Hollywood and movie goers alike. I had my issues with the film (it needed more Irish jigs and less cunnilingus). All that aside, Ryan Coogler’s vampiric period piece about appropriation and assimilation still dances around in my head and has me craving more vampire media. I saw my colleagues of the written word were making vampire recommendations and lists, so I thought I would too. Here’s 5 pieces of vampire media I know you’ll love, from the creative minds of old white guys.
From Dusk Till Dawn
Sure, Robert Rodriguez does an amazing job directing his first action-horror film, but you have to give all the credit here to Quentin Tarantino’s screenplay. He effortlessly blends elements of westerns, vampiric horror, and a role for himself where he sucks on Salma Hayek’s toes. This is just a good old heist movie where bank robbers take on a gang of vampire strippers. Did I mention there’s a guy with a penis gun?
Dracula
Did the women in Sinners have too much agency for you? Prefer your leading ladies to do a little less leading and a little more following? Then I have a book for you. Mina and Lucy are fine characters, but they know how to get out of the way and let the boys play. There are very few vampires in this, aside from the Count and his nameless daughters, but the classic novel does share some themes with Sinners. Count Dracula was the first appropriator, the original Mr. Steal Your Girl.
BloodRayne
I’m honestly surprised Tarantino didn’t try to write, direct, and act in the film adaptation of this game series’. Something tells me he would have put his best foot forward.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
If Buffy taught me anything it’s that monsters can be anywhere, including the writers’ room of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Fevre Dream
When I recall George R.R. Martin’s pre-civil war vampiric steamboat adventure, two things come to mind. 1. I am just glad he finished something. 2. Quentin Tarantino would snatch these film rights up in a heartbeat if he knew how many times the N slur was used in this book.
Hi! I’m Abby, one of the most loved characters in The Last of Us videogame series. Beyond my beautiful biceps, there’s a lot you probably don’t know about me. For instance, I have a deep fascination with golf. My dream has always been to mentor new golfers and introduce them to this fantastic game. So, without further ado, behold my 20 best golfing tips!
20. Hit The Gym
Those balls don’t hit themselves! Golf is all about that brutal force you can inflict on those golf balls. Or anyone else in the field who betrays you. So you have to be prepared for anything. Hit those crunches and bells. Pull-ups, deadlifts, and vengeance-based cardio prepare you for an 18-hole game and hunting down whoever broke your heart into pieces.
19. If You Miss It’s Not Ok
You missed your ball even though the owner of the golf club said “golf is joy.” Nothing is worse than a golf club that fails you. Find the owner of the club and kill him. Make him suffer.
18. Practice Practice Practice
Best way to become superior to everyone else is to practice. I usually smash the skulls of my enemies in my backyard when practicing for a tournament. Best way to get the juices flowing is to hit your enemy in the head with a golf club. You can also try other parts of the body like legs, torso or arms.
17. Grip It Like You Mean It
Think of your golf club as a tool for justice. You don’t just hold a club, you wield it. Every swing brings you closer to satisfaction. Every swing is sacred.
16. Practice Your Poker Face
Whether you’re lining up a putt or pretending not to care about the past, the key is to look like nothing fazes you, even if it does. Like, say, someone killed your dad, and all you want is to completely destroy their life the way they destroyed yours.
15. Choose the Right Club for the Job
What is your weapon of choice? Sure drive is great for distance and 9-iron for precision. But when you pull out this bad boy, the trusty club of death. That’s for… personal end game.
14. Trash Talk with Precision
Remind your opponents of their inevitable mortality before they tee off. Watch as they start to tremble and miss the ball one swing after another. Confidence is key. Your battle hardened confidence. Holding a gun to their face is an added bonus.
13. Channel Your Anger
When the memory of your dad creeps in, don’t fight it. Use it. Pour that fiery mix of grief and rage into your swing. Every shot should feel personal. Like you’re hitting it straight through someone’s head. Use the mantra:”Kill” while meditating.
12. Apologies are Overrated
Never apologize. Kill.
11. Aim for the Knees
Here is a fun trick. Some say aim for the green. That’s weak. When in doubt, aim for anything kneecap-height. Knees don’t dodge and even if they do, you can always hit twice.
10. Trend Setter
Golf gloves? Cute. Bloody hands? Iconic. When you step onto the golf course, it’s crucial to strike just the right amount of psychological fear into your enemies from the moment they lay eyes on you. You just killed someone who betrayed you in the Golf Resort’s bathroom? Perfect! Don’t wash your hands.
9. Scorecards Are for the Weak
Real winners don’t keep score. They keep count of their enemies. The more you kill your enemies the more you get new ones. Winner takes it all.
8. Every Game Is a War
Your opponents are reminders of the people who took everything from you. Play like you’re swinging against their moral compass. With one purpose in mind. To kill.
7. Never Let Them See You Cry
Tears blur your vision, and blurred vision ruins your shot. Cry later, after you’ve crushed the course and left everyone questioning their life choices. Golf is a tough game but you are tougher.
6. Build Strength Through Suffering
What is the most important thing in golfing besides your golf bag? It is the emotional baggage you carry with you to every game. Every missed putt and painful memory makes you stronger. Every pain inflicted to your opponents fills that empty void inside.
5. The Wind Is For Amateurs
Tiger Woods might have used the wind to nail that hole in one. But real heroes use the storm inside to their advantage. Let the tempest within drive the ball farther than any tailwind ever could.
4. Leave A Mark
Every game should end with something or someone broken into pieces. A dented club, a shattered trophy, a skull crushed memory. True winners leave a legacy of destruction.
3. Stay on Target, Even When It Hurts
Distractions kill, both on the green and off. Block out the screams of your past and focus on the ball, not the haunting echoes of your dad’s voice. And how do you block them you might ask? By brutal violence.
2. Revenge Is a Par 3
Just like golf, revenge takes patience, focus, and the willingness to ruin someone else’s day. Always be prepared to sink the putt where it hurts the most.
1. If You Can’t Win, Make Them Regret Playing
Hey, let’s face it. There are many ways to win a game of golf. Even if you don’t score the lowest strokes, ensure everyone else leaves emotionally scarred. Just kill your opponent’s whole family. Sometimes the best victories are psychological.
ROCKVILLE, Md. — Friends and family of local man, Edgar Manis, have noticed in recent years an odd trend in Edgar’s speech. With every conversation becoming increasingly less coherent and constantly referring to others as ‘mindless NPCs’, according to their social media posts.
“It seemed like a one-off joke at first, but after a while, it became his whole personality,” said Edgar’s brother Franklin. “Between his constant worship of Elon and the other random bullshit he keeps saying it’s become impossible to hold anything resembling a conversation with him. The other day, he started a conversation with ‘Have you heard of the woke mind virus?’ Who the fuck says that!? I tried to be nice and just ignore it, but after he followed up with ‘I saw a couple of liberals the other day, annoying creatures.’ I had to call him out on it. But if you try to point out how weird that is, he’ll just call you an NPC, turn around, and walk away. More than once into a wall, in fact, but he’ll never admit it.”
Others close to Edgar claim that this may stem from him recently becoming obsessed with Elon Musk.
“He’s way more than just a fan of Elon, he practically worships the ground Elon walks on,” according to Edgar’s friend Lawrence. “The weird part is it’s only as recent as about a year or two ago when he took over Twitter, though he calls it X. He even got a Cybertruck just to prove how much of an adoring fan he is for everything Elon does, despite already owning a tesla that doesn’t look like a 3 year old designed it. ”
A short while later, the Bethesda Police Department reportedly took Edgar into custody following an altercation at a gym.
“Mr Manis was taken into custody early Tuesday morning after charging at another person in the gym,” according to a report from Officer John Wesson. “Mr. Manis claims he was performing a citizens’ arrest at the time and demands to be let go. However, according to other witnesses, nothing happened before Mr Manis screamed out ‘Stop right there criminal scum!’ and charged at the victim. Following being taken into custody, he revealed the reason for his actions was that he mistakenly believed the victim to be transgender. The victim has decided to press charges.”
According to follow-up social media posts from Edgar’s family, he has sold both his cars, including the Cybertruck, to try and fund his legal fees.
WASHINGTON — Motivated by the outcries of countless Americans, House Democrats assembled last night to collaborate and draft a powerful and damning social media post, our sources confirm.
“It was an incredibly successful session, probably the most work we’ve gotten done all year.” said Rep. Donald Norcross of New Jersey sipping a celebratory cocktail in his chambers. “Next time Trump abuses his power, expect a swift retaliatory tweet that is sure to go viral.”
The outcome of the 2024 Election left the Democratic party’s image tarnished. As a result, liberal members of the House hired prestigious PR and social media teams to do damage control to win back the good will of their constituents.
“Being a politician these days isn’t about getting legislation passed, it’s about going viral on Tik Tok by criticizing the very establishment they were elected to fix,” said Maddy Kilmer, the Democratic Party’s Gen Z social media liaison. “All I need to do is run the captions through ChatGPT a couple times, find the right Real Housewives or Kendrick Lamar audio, and get these old boomers to do an easy dance et voilà! They’re reelected for the next four years.”
As President Trump and the GOP run rampant on democracy, Democrats struggle to stay relevant, going as far as touring across battleground states six months too late, and even filibustering for over 24 hours on the Senate floor.
“This administration has saturated the market with dangerous rhetoric, and our only way to fight back is to like and share this post with ten of your friends,” said House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jefferies in his latest Instagram reel. “And don’t forget to head over to my Youtube page to subscribe and ring the bell so you can be notified whenever a new episode of the Podcast drops.”
At press time, House Republicans have also amassed to draft reciprocal social media posts filled with xenophobia and whataboutisms.
