Local Man Still Missing Weeks After He Decided to “Try Metaphor ReFantazio Real Quick”

Posted on by Matt Fresh

TORONTO — Police are requesting any help in finding Adam Reso, the local gamer who is still missing two weeks after he told his friends that he planned to quickly give Metaphor: ReFantazio a try.

“It was Friday night and we were playing some Black Ops when he told us that he was going to try the Metaphor demo over the weekend. He texted me something about a red head elf lady. That’s the last anyone has seen or heard from,” said Reso’s friend Jay. “We don’t know what happened. He just vanished, he hasn’t been to work, he hasn’t read anyone’s messages, it’s really scary. Some of his neighbors said that sometimes at night they can hear really catchy rhythmic chanting coming from his apartment.”

The police say that they are expending all resources available to them to find Reso but the longer he’s missing the more likely it is he won’t be found.

“We’ve done everything we can and gone through all available channels to try and find Mr. Reso but unfortunately this is an incredibly clean disappearance,” said police commissioner Claudio Yuta. “There’s just no evidence or clues of any kind to what might have happened. He simply disappeared out of thin air. Our next course of action is investigating Atlus as according to our sources in other departments this isn’t the first disappearance case related to this game of theirs. We may have some sort of occult business going on.”

Reso’s friends aren’t giving up hope on seeing their friend again.

“He has his whole life ahead of him, you know,” said Reso’s other friend Chris. “He’s only 32, he was just about to start a gaming podcast. I know we’re gonna see him again and we’ll finally start that 4th playthrough of Baldur’s Gate 3. Whatever those evil bastards at Atlus have done, they’ll pay. They’ll pay for taking our friend away from us for so long.”

At press time, Jay and Chris have also gone missing after they quickly tried Metaphor in an attempt to discover what happened to their friend.

Trump Appoints President Shinra to Lead Department of Energy

Posted on by Ridley Jordan

WASHINGTON — This week, incoming president Donald Trump announced his staff picks in preparation for his second term as president. One pick getting a lot of attention is his pick to lead the Department of Energy, President Shinra.

President Shinra, the controversial leader of the Shinra Electric Company, has been eyeing the position for decades, seeing it as a next step in controlling the world’s mako reserves.

“This appointment should cause concerns,” said political analyst Jeremy Schwitz. “President Shinra has never been shy about his lust for controlling the entire world’s mako supply and if he’s leading the Department of Energy then he essentially has a free pass to do whatever he wants.”

A strong supporter of US involvement in the Middle East, President Shinra has been very forward in expressing his plan for the region.

“There are untapped mako reserves that would be valuable to m-, I mean the United States,” he said in a statement to the press. “My position on this has nothing to do with the fact that my company also manufactures weapons. But rest assured, should militants within the region try to stop us from harvesting mako, our Scorpion Sentinel will make quick work of them”

Trump’s choice is facing opposition from many people around the country, primarily in regions controlled by Shinra.

“He destroyed a whole district of my city,” one activist said. “Then once the mako well had dried up, he abandoned the city taking all the profits for himself. My whole family lives in a shack under a destroyed highway.”

President Shinra has denied the allegations, claiming “eco-terrorists” are responsible, despite evidence of the contrary.

“These terrorists are claiming I’m destroying the environment and contributing to climate change,” he said. “It’s their illegal destruction of my perfectly safe and environmentally friendly Mako Reactors that caused most of the destruction. They may say they did it to help the common folk who we have to keep oppressed in order to maintain high stock prices but they are liars.”

At press time, we’ve yet to see whether Republican congressmen will be willing to confirm a pick so controversial, but since Shinra donated to their political campaigns, it’s unlikely they will vote against him.

Each Game of the Year Nominee as Described by My Confused 60 Year-Old Father

Posted on by Matt Fresh

Another year, another video game advertisement show that sometimes gives out awards. I’m sure everybody in the industry has an opinion about this year’s nominees for Game of the Year at The Game Adverts Awards and you’ve probably already read most of them. I also assume most of them are relatively the same. So, I could give you a rehash of all the talking points about these games that you’ve already read but that would waste your time and mine.

Instead I decided that what you dear readers needed was to hear about these games from the perspective of someone who has never played video games a day in their life, is confused by a video game controller, doesn;t understand his layabout son who wastes his days writing silly articles and needs help pushing the Netflix button on his television remote. That’s right, I showed a short clip of each of these games to my very confused 60 year-old father and transcribed his analysis of each.

Astro Bot

Okay so this is one of those kiddie Nintendo games. I like the little robot. It reminds me of the girlfriend robot in that one movie, you know the one where they go to space to buy things or something. Maurey I think it was called. Anyway, this is just like that plumber game. Does the robot do anything else? Can he do a little dance that would be fun? You said this was gonna win an award? Is that the bar now? Copying that Luigi fella.

Balatro

Is this solitaire? Did they remake solitaire? That’s not how solitaire works. Are they really giving this an award? Wait, is it poker? No, that’s not how you play poker. Do you win real money by playing this? I don’t understand what I’m looking at, they got all the rules wrong and it’s hurting my eyes.

*Note: At time of publishing my Dad has been playing Balatro for 5 hours and won’t give me my Switch back

Black Myth: Wukong

Is this supposed to be Planet of the Apes? That’s not Cesar though. I like the monkey guy. He’s cool looking. Monkey people are always cool looking though so I guess they took the easy way. What even happens in this game, looks like he’s just walking around with a stick? So it’s a monkey game where you don’t even do any cool monkey things. They should have made a Planet of the Apes game instead. That would have won awards. Oh now he’s hitting a giant guy with a stick so that’s something but I still don’t understand why they didn’t just make Planet of the Apes, I mean come on. You know what when you’re done showing me this nonsense I’m gonna go watch it.

Elden Ring: Shadow of the Erdtree

The person playing this sucks. They keep dying. Was this you? This looks very depressing, everything so bleak. It reminds me of that show about the guys with the swords and it’s dark and they have sex with their cousins. Henry Cavill is in it. Something about witches. So why do people play this if everyone is bad at it? Aren’t gamers bad at enough things, hahahahaha. Anyway, can we hurry this along, the hockey game is on soon.

Final Fantasy VII Rebirth

What am I looking at? This looks the same as the last one you showed me just brighter. Why are their swords so big? That’s not practical at all. Is this Zelda? That guy looks like Zelda. Whoa! Who is that? Okay I like this game. That’s what I’m talking about. Is this why you never came out of your room in high school? Were you playing games like this? My goodness. This is clearly the best out of all the games you showed me. What’s the award? Whatever it is, this should win. You should have just showed me this, no need for the other lame games. Do you have to play as Zelda in this? Can you play as her? Can she wear different outfits? How does she fight monsters with those things?

Metaphor: Refantazio

Is this one of those hentai games? OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?

Ranking How Good These Cartoon Dogs Would Taste

Posted on by RJ Dralle

It has come to my attention that there have been rumors swirling about me and how I enjoy eating dogs. That is absolutely not true, and I am insulted that anyone would ever make such fraudulent claims about me. But while I adamantly deny ever trying to take even one bite out of man’s best friend, I do sometimes wonder what they would taste like. Haven’t you? Come on! You can’t tell me that when you turn on the television and see a cartoon dog pop up on screen, your mouth doesn’t immediately pool with saliva and make you want to run down to the local dog pound to do some grocery shopping! Just me? Well, I promise you that once you read my list of the most delicious-looking cartoon dogs, you’ll have a change of heart. Actually more like a change of stomach. 

10. Brian Griffin

He’s a little too left leaning for my taste. But then again, I do love roasting Dems. I’ll just make sure he’s a little extra crispy. 

9. Santa’s Little Helper

While Santa’s Little Helper might taste good, there isn’t much of him to make a full meal. Look at him! Poor dog is starving. Just like I would be if I had him for dinner. Maybe I’ll just have him as an app.

8. Blue

I don’t typically like working for my meals, but searching for Blue would be a hunt I’d love to do. I mean, look at her ears! That cartilage must be so chewy. Mmm! I would solve a thousand clues to get a bite of those.

7. Goofy

Is he actually a dog? Only one way to find out. 

6. CatDog

A two-for-one combo meal? Now that’s a deal, especially in this Biden economy. Once Trump is back in office, you’ll be able to finally eat your dogs and cats separately.

5. Pluto

Oh boy! Pluto would be a classic, comfort meal for me. Some would be grossed out by the fact that he plays with mice, but that doesn’t bother me. I like snacking on mice too. 

4. Scooby Doo

Whenever I get the munchies, I always want to have my own Scooby snack. Great Danes are supposed to be one of the more muscular dogs and mixed with a little fat from all the snacks he scarfed down, he would be re-he-he-he-really delicious! 

3. Clifford

87 tons of dog? Now that’s one epic food challenge. Move aside, Joey Chestnut. I’m the dog-eating king now. 

2. Snoopy

Adding him to the Halloween chili, you and your sibling pulling on each end of his wishbone during Thanksgiving, or carving into him on Christmas. It wouldn’t be the holidays without this tender treat on your plate.

1. Bluey

Now, this dog is an Australian delicacy your whole family would love to sit around the table for. Throughout my life, I have been fortunate enough to have tried kangaroo, koala and dingo. But I would do anything—ANYTHING—to have a taste of this gamey canine.

Breaking Games Changes “Secret Hitler” to “Straight-Up Hitler”

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

NETCONG, N.J. — Board game manufacturer Breaking Games and distributor Blackbox announced that they have changed the title of the popular social deduction party game “Secret Hitler” to “Straight-Up Hitler.” 

“We felt that this change will make the game more accurately reflect the times that we live in now,” said Breaking Games founder Shari Spiro in a statement. “Being current is very important to us. Back in 2016, it seemed like a lot of people might have secretly been Hitler, but now, in 2024, it looks like the masks are off and we have full-on Nazis walking around again. There are people flying swastikas in Columbus, Ohio, for Christ’s sake. So, yeah. ‘Straight-Up Hitler’ it is.” 

While Breaking Games and Blackbox ultimately decided on this change, it was also agreed upon by the board game’s designers, Max Temkin, Mike Boxleiter and Tommy Maranges, who have made some interesting changes to the core gameplay in order to reflect the game’s new title. 

“So what we’ve done is removed the Liberal faction from the game completely,” Temkin said. “Now everyone is a Fascist automatically, so it’s much easier to pass Fascist policies. We’ve kept the Liberal cards in, just in case you want to be an epic troll and totally try to disrupt the flow of things to absolutely no avail. You can give it the ol’ college try – just like real life! We’ve also updated the cutesy reptile designs for the fascists and Hitler. Now, whoever’s Hitler has a grainy photo of their hero Adolf to stare at for the whole time they’re playing.” 

While the move may have seemed controversial on the surface, a shocking amount of Americans are totally cool with this choice and have even embraced it, per multiple reports. 

“This is great news. I’ve been looking for a game that caters to me and my beliefs.” said local white guy Kevin Brewster. “Screw those dirty commies. It’s time to Make Germany Great Again! I’m excited to pick up Straight-Up Hitler and play it with my liberal friends. Oh man, they’re gonna be so pissed.” 

At press time, copies of the new and “improved” version of the game were seen being delivered to the doorsteps of each of president-elect Trump’s cabinet members.

Nintendo Sues You for Reading This Article

Posted on by Graham Morris

TOKYO — A court filing revealed that Nintendo Co., Ltd. is pursuing $30 million in damages for the act of reading an article about Nintendo’s legal endeavors on the gaming satire website Hard Drive, presenting this article as evidence for immediate relief.

“It was simply a matter of tracing the defendant’s IP-address, cross-referencing with local informants, and paying a team of private investigators to break into their house,” said Nintendo attorney Spencer Nelson. “After compiling all available evidence, we were able to establish beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant read the article ‘Nintendo Sues You for Reading This Article,’ and therefore we had basis to pursue this suit.”

Nintendo’s president Shuntaro Furukawa commented on accusations that the company’s legal team had been overzealous in their pursuit of fans for engaging in activities like emulation, game preservation, participation in unsanctioned “Super Smash Bros.” tournaments, and reading this article. 

“‘Oh no, Nintendo’s suing people! Oh no! They shouldn’t do that! Wahhh!’ Literally that’s what you sound like,” said Furukawa. “That’s what you sound like. But you’re still going to buy our reheated Pokémon game next year, aren’t you, huh? You little bitch. You’re gonna post a comment about how we are actively working against the preservation of games as an art form and then you’re gonna make a thread on Resetera speculating when we’re gonna announce the Switch 2. I’m gonna sue you for even asking me about this. And you’re gonna pay $90 for the next Zelda which runs on the equivalent of an iPhone 4s. Because it’ll be incredible. Suck my asshole.”

Your best friend spoke to Hard Drive about the pending case.

“I mean, is it even legal to sue someone for reading an article? That seems like a First Amendment thing, right?” said your best friend. “I can’t imagine that’s legal. But Nintendo has an incredible team, so they’ll probably win this one. Someone’s got to stop them, they can’t keep suing everyone who looks at them wrong. Anyways, do you think they’ll do a remake of ‘The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages/Seasons’ in the style of ‘Link’s Awakening’? That would be sick, right?”

At press time you were last seen drinking heavily, looking at your bank account, and crying, before booting up “Animal Crossing: New Horizons.”

Gamers Vow to Boycott Civilization VII Unless They Can Play as Their Favorite German Leader

Posted on by bee

HELL — Alleged fans of the popular turn-based strategy game series “Civilization” have organized a campaign to boycott the next installment unless Adolph Hitler is added as a playable leader.

The movement started Friday when a new trailer for Civilization VII was posted by the @FiraxisGames account on X, the everything app, which received hundreds of replies and quote retweets containing the hashtag #FreeGermany.

“dont buy this cultural erasure  #FreeGermany GAMERS DESERVE BETTER!!! give us the real guy! they/thems are ruining my Civ by ignoring history and pandering to the irrelevant fake fans. Sid Meier is turning in his grave!! AND WHO THE FUCK IS BISMARCK?” asked verified user @Steven1488 to his thirty followers. 

A “Free Germany” petition on change.org amassed nearly 4000 signatures over the weekend, calling for support to modify the game’s roster: 

“Civilization is a cornerstone gaming franchise but it has been corrupted by woke activists who infiltrated the media industry. The trailer reveals their DEI agenda: there are dozens of ethnic leaders — this is intolerable, and we demand our own representation in a leader who wants to eradicate them all. And until we get our way, we the undersigned agree to not buy this game unless it reviews really well.” 

The petition was started by self-proclaimed game developer Eric “Bummz” Jones who explained his motivations in a podcast. 

“I had to do something! I couldn’t keep developing my own game, the sin of a historically inaccurate Civilization was too distracting. My backers understand how important this is and they’ve already waited a decade so won’t mind another hiatus while I focus on harassing real devs again.” Bummz’s VTube avatar later addressed criticisms from the livestream chat. “I’m not just chasing clout, I also want to punish minorities, too. And to make sure everyone knows we’re serious I will personally go to Kinko’s, print every petition signature, and send them to a very confused secretary.” 

At press time, Firaxis agreed to include Hitler as a leader as long as his players kill themselves when they lose. 

How to Ethically Jerk It to Caitlyn From Arcane Even Though She’s a Cop

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

If you’re anything like the Hard Drive staff, you’ve been eagerly awaiting the weekly episode drops for Arcane season 2 while simultaneously swearing to never touch League of Legends as long as you live. You also may be tempted to beat off to Caitlyn because let’s face it, she’s a standout in a sea of animated hotties. But a little something keeps pulling at your conscience–the fact that she’s a fucking cop.

Never fear. We here at Hard Drive have exactly the step-by-step guide to help you retain your presumed moral and political purity while getting to jerk off to a leggy dictator-in-waiting.

1. Begin with a Land Acknowledgement 

Take a moment to make it clear you understand the sociopolitical environment in which you’re about to bust a nut. There are plenty of land acknowledgement scripts out there, and we’re not going to provide one here, because it’s not our job to educate you. While you’re Googling for a script, be honest with yourself that you’re also going to have to Google the name of the tribe that was previously located on the lot in which your shitty apartment complex stands prior to being slaughtered, because there’s no way in hell you know off the top of your head.

2. Do a little mental gymnastics about her actual profession

Okay, so if you’ve been watching season 2, it’s kind of clear that she’s less of a “cop” and more of a “strategically installed monarch.” Is that better? Take a good long while to ponder if it’s better in the eyes of the highly judgemental public to furiously masturbate to an unelected proto-fascist than your standard police lady.

3. Decide that doesn’t matter and look for some anti-police stuff to repost on social media real quick

Abandon your previous train of thought and swipe out of the Pornhub tab with the worst SFM League porn you could find for a second. Open up Instagram and search for some cutesy infographics to repost about police brutality or something like that. Share 7-10 of these on your story in a row and hope that clears your conscience. Remember: the best activism can be done from the comfort of your own iPhone 16.

4. Say “ACAB” out loud five times like you’re summoning Betelgeuse

Pretty self-explanatory. You can do this step in the mirror if it makes you feel better about the rope you’re about to blast. 

5. Immediately forget you did all this once you start jerkin’ it in earnest

Oh, fuck, that’s the good shit right there–

Matt Gaetz Becomes First “GoldenEye 64” Character to Serve in Presidential Cabinet

Posted on by Ian Steffé

WASHINGTON D.C. — Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), also known as Civilian 2 from “GoldenEye 64,” has been appointed Attorney General in the Trump administration, making him the first character from the game to hold a U.S. Cabinet role. 

“Honestly, it’s shocking,” said one unnamed Russian GoldenEye guard. “I never thought Gaetz would make it out of the game, let alone into government. But, then again, it kinda makes sense. No matter how many times he runs into walls or gets shot, he just keeps going. That kind of durability is perfect for Washington.”

President Donald Trump, unsurprisingly, praised Gaetz’s “GoldenEye” pedigree as key to his selection.

 “I love the ‘GoldenEye’ series—just tremendous,” Trump said from Mar-a-Lago. “I considered Jaws, Oddjob, Baron Samedi, but Gaetz—he’s the guy. Our little idiot who just keeps moving. A lot of people are idiots but can be good people. And Matt really wants to show what an idiot with a head that big can do for our country. Have you seen his head? Just amazing.”

Meanwhile, “GoldenEye” director Mark Hollis expressed serious concerns about Gaetz’s new role.

“We never intended for Civilian 2 to become… this,” Hollis said, visibly distressed. “It all started with the ‘Big Head Mode’ Easter egg. Civilian 2 was already a mess, but when that oversized pixelated head showed up, it was haunting. Then it started showing signs of sentience. It began offering drugs to players it deemed ‘cool,’ and there were reports of it luring younger players into what seemed like a sex trafficking scheme. We thought the game’s decline would end that, but years later, we saw the same character running for office in Florida. And now, here he is, in a position of power. I have no idea what happens next.”

As of press time, President Trump continues to consider other controversial video game characters for Cabinet roles, including Pyramid Head from “Silent Hill” for Secretary of the Interior, Hitler’s Head in a jar from “Wolfenstein” in an advisory role, and Kirby for a role not yet determined.

Batman Ordered to Return to Office

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

GOTHAM CITY — The controversial vigilante known only as the Batman has been ordered to return to the office at least three days a week after a recent wave of mob-related violence rocked the city.

“Sure, I’d love to roll out of bed late and shuffle over to my desk in the next room,” said Gotham City Police Department lieutenant James Gordon. “We all would. But ask your boss how they feel about that arrangement. How can we be sure that Batman is even doing his work unless we can keep an eye on him? I mean, it sure seems like he’s checked out. Two of the city’s most prominent families have been completely slaughtered. I bet he’s not even wearing his full costume and only puts on the cowl for video calls.”

Batman was reacted indignantly to the GCPD’s demands.

“I’m just as able to do my work from the Batcave as I am from inside GCPD headquarters,” said the caped crusader. “Last time I was there, I literally had to fight my way out. Plus, it’s not set up properly for my workflow. Are they going to compensate me for all of the money I spent to be able to work from home? I had a fireman’s pole installed. No commute can compete with that, even if you’re driving the Batmobile.”

Sociologist and labor expert Denise Crowley commented on the reasons that law enforcement agencies often forbid heroes from working remotely.

“Sure, some of it is just from the natural managerial impulse to micro-manage and babysit,” said Crowley. “Frankly, that’s just survival instinct. If people can do their jobs from home, what are managers even for? Often, though, the restrictive return-to-office mandates are part of a scheme to reduce the workforce without having to pay severance—essentially a backdoor layoff. It’s surprising for this to happen to a hero as high-profile as Batman, but it’s a common tactic. Animal Man has been ‘ordered to return to the office’ about a dozen times.”

At press time, the GCPD issued a statement the Batman was free to fight crime in another city if he refused to obey their mandate.