MILWAUKEE — A local witch considers herself fortunate that a magic spell was conveniently in conversational English when her 11-year-old son suffered what could have been a serious injury this past weekend.
“I was liking my friends’ Facebook posts when I heard a scream from the backyard,” explained Zaleria Bloodgood. “I ran out and saw my Edgar splayed out on the ground next to the trampoline, his left leg bent in the most unnatural of ways. It was one of the most gruesome things I have seen in my 325 years on this earth, but lucky for all of us, my healing spell was as simple as, ‘Heal this boy’s leg!’”
Bloodgood’s husband Seth said that he counts his blessings every day that his wife doesn’t need to know anything except how to speak like a regular person to cast her spells.
“I honestly can’t believe how lucky we are. Imagine if my wife needed a single drop of blood from a rare animal and then had to solve a riddle before even thinking about healing our son,” Seth said. “Just a couple weeks ago, we hosted book club, and when we served her coven our famous baked brie and gluten-free sesame crackers, they were trying to commune with the dead author by singing a song. I mean, it had multiple verses, repeat choruses – they had to harmonize and shit. Two of them even sang in a round. What a pain in the ass.”
Ms. Bloodgood’s neighbor, Druid Kestrel Grove, witnessed Edgar’s injury, but the boy had already been healed by the time she arrived to help.
“Look, I can mend a few goddamn bones, it’s pretty basic stuff,” explained the Druid. “But I have to commune with the trees and the sun above, gather specific flora, and then, even after all that, I still have to remember and repeat several lines of Latin. Poor Madame Darkmore down the road would have to come up with a rhyming poem on the spot. I was ready to help, but Zaleria can just talk her magic like I’m talking to you. It’s so much faster and, frankly, foolproof. I mean, if she had seen Edgar fall, she would have just said something like, ‘Float and land gently,’ easy as that.”
At press time, Zaleria Bloodgood’s seven-year-old daughter Tabitha was trying to be like mommy, telling Alexa to play “Butter” by BTS.
LOS ANGELES — An independent game developer with shit-for-brains announced they were hard at work curating an elaborate, unique horror experience for players, when “dimly-lit hallway” was right there, sources report.
“It’s tough watching rookie developers making the same mistakes,” said Vander Cartwright, an industry veteran who advises indie studios on how to market their games entirely through sad little quote tweets. “In this particular case, we see a failure of vision right off the bat. Before starting any project with financial ambitions, you have to look at what the market wants. A surreal puzzle-platformer that invites the player into a world both dark and whimsical. A cryptic survival-horror masterpiece of hard science fiction and queer love. A thoughtful remaster of beloved horror classic Condemned: Criminal Origins. The market doesn’t want any of that crap. What the market wants is 1-3 dimly-lit hallways with lights that go blinky-blink and maybe there’s a scary woman. That’s it.”
“I’m not oversimplifying things,” continued Cartwright. “Give me a single claustrophobic hallway in an unassuming suburban home and I will sell that shit like yuri to Signalis fans. Believe me. I make a living off the whims of a demographic that sees itself somewhere between a protected species and a globe-spanning coalition of unrealized political power. Before I go to sleep and after I wake up each morning, I think to myself, what do gamers want right now? Couch co-op? Intricate world-building? Expanded voting rights for women? No. The only thing gamers want with no nuance or exception is two corridors connected at a right angle, a little bit of head bob, and framed pictures of a smiling family with their eyes gouged out hanging on every wall.”
Alejandro De Anda, a former colleague of the indie developer who wished to keep their dumb ass anonymous, admitted his split from the studio last year was due in part to creative differences.
“There’s no hard feelings, I just felt like we were moving in two different directions,” said De Anda, who has since founded his own studio, Shovelscare Games. “The old studio head was one of those guys who was all vision, no sense. He wanted a first-person horror game with a manageably small open world and light Metroidvania elements set in a sparse wood populated by abandoned, interconnected treehouses, with a narrative told largely through loose notes and diary entries. My response when he laid all this out and showed me the alpha build he’d already made was what anyone would say: We wouldn’t be able to buy that wholesale from the Unity Asset Store for a clean $15 like we would with a hallway.”
“I raised a number of other obvious points,” continued De Anda, whose upcoming title Buster’s Ballpit is currently the #1 most wishlisted game on Steam by virtue of being another mascot horror game. “First and foremost, I told him, why bother? We have the emaciated, fetid corpse of P.T. right here, and with a few scraps of meat still on it. He asked why every AA horror game had to be P.T., and that’s when I hit him with the hard truth: If we as an industry make enough P.T. clones, maybe it’ll make up for the Silent Hills-shaped hole in our hearts. He turned around and scoffed, but I could see the tears already dampening his cheeks.”
When asked for comment, the indie developer, now a solo-dev, offered stern words of advice for creators.
“What’s the point of making games if you’re just going to do what’s already been done?” said the developer. “You know what made P.T. special? It wasn’t the fact that it was a Kojima game in disguise or the bold choice to set it in the narrow, claustrophobic corridor that is your average $4000 per month no bed one bath Brooklyn apartment. P.T. was special because it did something different. It surprised you. It innovated. It made you whisper ‘Jareth’ into the microphone on your PS4 controller because the internet promised you Norman Reedus. Is it tragic Silent Hills was never made? Yes. Did Konami need to take the teaser out back and shoot it in the back of the head execution style? No. But if you think you can recapture the same magic that game had by endlessly imitating it, you’ve not only boarded the cope boat, my friend. You’re riding first class.”
At press time, the developer had launched their debut horror title to underwhelming sales, a problem they intend to address through several minor bug fixes and the addition of the “deckbuilder” and “roguelike” tags to the game’s Steam page.
So, it’s happening again. You have some friends over for a game night and everything is going well, but then someone’s boyfriend suggests Mario Party. Worse still, despite the fact that none of the attendees are under the age of 10, everyone sounds enthusiastic about it. Your first reaction is to despair, but I’m here to help you survive this giant, excruciatingly boring waste of your time.
The first thing to do, of course, is to sway the group to choose the fewest rounds possible by saying there will be cake arriving in half an hour. There does not need to be cake. Deception is imperative for survival at this stage. If you succeed at this, you should only need to utilize one or two of the following ten options that will help you stay occupied while waiting for your turn. All of these activities can be performed while participating in minigames.
1.Clean out your closet for a Goodwill drop.
You’ve been meaning to for years and you might as well toss that “Fluent in Sarcasm” shirt your aunt got you.
2.Paint your nails.
The more complicated the better. With a French tip, you will not have time to hate Bowser for being a thief.
3.Touch up your roots.
You meant to before game night, anyways, and they’re too busy ganging up on Luigi to notice.
4.Dust your book shelf and toss any books by canceled authors.
You still have that Neil Gaiman collection up there and now’s as good a time as any.
5.Locate your middle school enemies on LinkedIn and leave negative comments.
You might as well funnel your rage about the star location moving yet again.
6.File your emails.
2,000 unread emails? Your friend waffling about which dice to use is an opportunity to get your life together.
7.Actually bake a cake.
Hey, whatever it takes.
8.Start an MLM.
You might think a getty is not the moment to build your empire, but you’d be wrong. Toad is explaining rules to them for the 8th time. Build that pyramid, girl.
9.Call your mom.
She misses you.
10.Finally start that manuscript.
You were going to use the time to scroll angrily on Instagram and watch what actual fun activities all your other friends were doing. You might as well start the novel about the overly precocious child detective.
IRVINE, Calif. — Following the announcement of Overwatch Classic, the limited time event in the 6v6 hero shooter Overwatch 2, Blizzard Entertainment announced that the popular character Tracer will not be openly gay for the event.
“Tracer is an essential part of the legacy of Overwatch, and we wanted to give fans the opportunity to see her before she was openly a lesbian,” said Blizzard representative Chase Smith. “We’re excited to harken back to the original days of Overwatch eight years ago, with a cast of colorful characters without defined sexualities.”
“Tracer came out back when Overwatch was popular and everyone loved Blizzard,” Smith continued. “Hopefully when we have her come out again, the relevance and goodwill will also come out with her.”
Fans of Overwatch had mixed reactions to this news, although they are excited for Tracer to come back out of the closet at the end of the event.
“I remember how big of a deal it was when Tracer first came out,” says Tumblr user calverycome665. “It was exciting to see such a prominent character be open about their sexuality. It wasn’t as common back then, as opposed to nowadays when every action hero is on the bisexuality spectrum until the owner of the IP gets even a whiff of pushback from reactionary douchebags. I’m sure that’s not what’s happening here, though.”
Other gamers are concerned with how this closeting will affect Tracer’s performance in competitive play.
“Currently Tracer is a strong damage unit, with some players attributing to her confidence and security in her identity,” says e-sports commentator Marko Lane. “However, for the Overwatch Classic event, she might be better used as a support unit, like a college sophomore who doesn’t realize why most of her friends are queer.”
Blizzard is considering taking other actions to evoke Overwatch back at its launch, such as temporarily giving Cole Cassity his original name back.
COPENHAGEN — American progressives following through on drunken election night declarations that they would leave the country report that they are looking forward to exploring the more bountiful streaming libraries in the new home countries, sources confirm.
“It’s gonna be really hard being so far away from my parents,” says swing state liberal Amanda Atkins. “The only thing that’s keeping me committed is knowing that Netflix in Denmark still has all of “The Office.””
A handful of expatriates are considering exotic streaming libraries when choosing which country to spend the next four years. The availability of comfort shows may sway these self-proclaimed refugees.
“The language barrier is a huge factor for me,” says one exiting liberal surveying the airport’s departure schedule. “But does not knowing Japanese really outweigh being able to watch “Cowboy Bebop” on Japanese Netflix? Decisions, decisions.”
Experts on immigration have been baffled by the priority Americans have regarding their accessibility to entertainment. Universal healthcare, a strong economy, and access to good education appear to be non-issues to the Americans who are wealthy enough to pack up and leave. Never before has a politically motivated withdrawal relied so heavily on if Hulu will still have all of “Bob’s Burgers.”
“I’ve studied similar trends like this in correlation to past US Presidential elections,” says Patricia Kohl, a Global Issues and Political Science Professor at the University of Toronto. “People claiming to flee the United States after Trump’s first election in 2016 had a much easier time making the decision given there were only two major streaming platforms, the market was small, it was a great time to get out.”
Streaming services have taken notice of this trend and have begun stocking their foreign libraries with universal comfort shows, however history shows that after an hour of browsing the average American will still just put on a random YouTube video.
At press time, any American sticking it out for Trump’s next four years will be given a 15% off discount code for NordVPN to explore the wonders of streaming abroad from the comfort of their own home.
NEW YORK — Casual gamer and full-time line cook Nathan Cardwell has come to the realization that employment may be getting in the way of his recreational advancement, Cardwell confirmed in a Discord press conference with the squad.
“I’ve been playing games regularly for a long time and I’m still just so trash at all of them, so I’ve just had to really reflect on what might be impeding that progress,” said Cardwell. “After a lot of introspection, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I continue to log 40 hours a week at work in order to afford food and a roof over my head, then I will, frankly, never make it out of Silver II, and I think I’m okay with that.”
Cardwell described just how devastating it has been to have to let go of the notion that he might ever be even a little good at a game.
“It’s just tough, you know, cause I had dreams. I used to hope that one day, I could be a 1,000+ Power Prismatic Hunter, dropping Golden Gun shots on Hive Wizards like it’s my fucking job. But that’s not my job. I’m a line cook. And at the end of the day, that’s what’s gonna pay the bills.”
Quick to weigh in on the topic was Cardwell’s online friend and frequent Counter-Strike teammate, BotSl4yer12000.
“I don’t know that I really buy with Cardwell’s excuses about the whole full-time job thing”, BotSl4yer12000 argued. “What we’re really seeing here is just a lack of commitment. I mean I’ve got a day job too, but I also care enough about the craft to set aside time for things like grenade training and practice matches.”
“Now do I maybe have some advantages that Nathan doesn’t, like a work-from-home job that really only requires about nine hours of labor a week, and practically no debt because my rich aunt paid my way through school? Sure, but we’ve all got the same 24 hours in a day.”
At press time, Nathan Cardwell has decided to take a step back from his Rust base-related duties in order to focus on more frivolous endeavors, like surviving and advancing his career.
We’re skating up against the edges of what could reasonably be considered “indie” this time out. On one hand, RetroRealms Arcade is another small-print retro revival, which does for Castlevania what Iron Meatdid for Contra. On the other, it’s a two-pack of licensed adaptations that star some of the best-known characters in modern horror.
On the mutant third hand, however, the adaptations have a little in-name-only stank on ‘em. RetroRealms is a callback to the sort of mascot games that you used to see all the time in the ‘90s, like Wayne’s World or The Mask, which puts familiar characters into a somewhat generic 2D action-platformer. Here, however, that all-purpose gameplay is part of the point.
There are currently two available games for RetroRealms, available separately or as a package deal, which are presented as the last two functioning machines in an abandoned arcade. One, Ash vs. Evil Dead, is based upon the Starz series of the same name; the other, Halloween, stars the series’ killer Michael Myers and seems to have the most in common with the original film from 1978.
In both cases, the games begin with the introduction of a new antagonist, the Overlord, who plans to turn Earth into a nightmare dimension. In Ash vs. Evil Dead, he steals the Necronomicon from Ash and turns Ash’s trailer park into a Deadite mosh pit on his way out the door. Ash straps on his chainsaw and gives chase.
Meanwhile, in Halloween, the Overlord stops by Michael’s asylum with a recruitment pitch. He wants Michael as his right-hand man. Unfortunately, part of the Overlord’s interview process involves having to fight through the asylum and the surrounding neighborhoods, which are infested with both law enforcement and the Overlord’s demonic minions.
Both games play in much the same way. They’re 10 levels long and send you through a gauntlet of enemies, traps, and elaborate obstacles. Ash’s trailer park has a garden of spikes right outside it, and Michael’s escape from the asylum is punctuated by barrages of flaming propane tanks. That’s just life in faux-retro (“retraux”) platformer town, where every small-town superstore has a bunch of moving platforms, explosive traps, and spilled kerosene in Aisle 16.
As you make progress, you carve up enemies, collect cash, and can hunt up extra collectibles in each stage to influence your final score. Between stages, you can spend accumulated money to upgrade your character with more health and new moves, such as a flying uppercut or a big body splash.
Taken as a whole, RetroRealms is an extended love letter to 8- and 16-bit action platformers that isn’t shy about paying homage to its influences, primarily Mega Man X and the 16-bit Castlevanias. It’s also surprisingly difficult, occasionally in ways that remind me of modern “kaizo” platformers like Celeste, which makes it feel like a sort of greatest-hits tour of the genre.
Both games share a core gimmick, where you can flip between the normal world and the Overlord’s “nightmare realm,” a twisted version of the same environment that usually has a few key differences. You can use it to get around obstacles that would otherwise be impassable or reveal secret passageways.
The tradeoff is that the nightmare realm’s enemies are usually much more dangerous than the normal world’s, and you can’t see where or what they are without making the transition. Worse, they’re usually in ambush position, so any time you flip between realms, you’re probably about to take a hit before you can react.
It’s one of several ways in which RetroRealms seems to have brought back the “arcade feel.” Specifically, it’s a sort of post-Celeste quarter-muncher, where it’s often deliberately unfair on a blind run like it’s trying to milk you for all your spare change. My first run through both RetroRealms games was punctuated by cheap hits, unavoidable damage, and some surprisingly intense platforming challenges.
The bosses are comparatively simple, but the real problem is getting to them without being thrown into a burn pit by something that you couldn’t possibly have predicted. There’s a point a little over halfway through Ash where ordinary enemies start to explode on death, some with enough force to send you flying, and it made me have to go do something else for a while.
RetroRealms does look good, though. I touched upon this briefly a few weeks ago, but even when and if I have problems with their actual game, WayForward’s production design is always on point. The music is fair to good, the animation is top-notch, and the pixel art is some of the best in the modern business.
It does come off like this is the Saturday morning cartoon adaptation of the source material, which may or may not have been the desired effect. In context, it sort of works, even if it verges on self-parody. Halloween in particular plays like a 30-year-old background joke from The Simpsons, where a character who’s known for his stillness and silence is set loose to hop and bop his way through a maze of conveyor belts and hostile mechanics. Michael finds new subweapons by killing unarmed civilians, which is both appropriate to the source material and darkly hilarious.
RetroRealms is clearly set up as the first two installments in some kind of shared 16-bit platformer universe, as both games end with vague sequel hooks. It’s not a bad format, and WayForward’s made a couple of decent faux-retro action platformers here. I’d go so far as to say that this is one of the best Evil Dead games ever made, although that might be damning it with faint praise.
It’s often more frustrating than fun, however. It’s taken the wrong sort of inspiration from both its arcade roots and modern platformers, which brings down the whole. If you’re a big fan of deliberately punishing arcade games, RetroRealms might be for you, but I didn’t enjoy it as much as I expected I would.
[Retro Realms Arcade, developed by WayForward and published by Boss Team Games, is now available for Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4&5, Xbox Series X|S, Xbox One, and PC via Steam for $49.99. Each game can also be purchased individually for $24.99. This review was written using a PlayStation 5 code sent to Hard Drive by a Boss Team Games PR representative.]
VIRIDIAN CITY — A recent survey conducted by the Pewter University Research Institute revealed that 76% of female Pokémon trainers would prefer to face a territorial Ursaring rather than a male trainer while traveling through the dense and shadowy Viridian Forest.
“Honestly, I’ll take my chances with the Ursaring,” said trainer Lass Brittany. “It might be a 6-foot-tall, 200-pound bear with claws that can shred my Nidoran in one hit, but at least it doesn’t mansplain about catch rates or keep talking about its EV training strategies while blocking the path.”
Pokémon researcher Scientist Nina at Pewter University explained some of the reasoning behind the survey results.
“The results clearly showcase female trainers’ growing frustration with unsolicited advice, aggressive battle requests, and forced small talk about the best Eevee evolution. With Ursaring, at least you know where you stand. It’s not trying to convince you that Magikarp is actually ‘really deep’ because it ‘represents personal growth.’ It just roars, swipes a little, and even avoids you when you toss a Repel. Male trainers, on the other hand, often see Repel as simply playing hard to get and will approach anyway.”
Respondents of the survey — which also revealed that 65% of female trainers would willingly trade away one of their shiny Pokémon if it meant avoiding all male trainers on any given route — frequently cited encounters with male trainers who sprinted to initiate battle after simply making eye contact.
“Last week, some Bug Catcher popped out from behind a tree to challenge me,” said trainer Picnicker Susie. “I thought it was just another regular battle, but after I beat his Beedrill, he condescendingly explained the weaknesses of my Weepinbell — which I didn’t even use in that battle. When I tried to leave, he yelled, ‘Wow, just gonna walk away from me? You never know who might be hiding in the tall grass.’ What am I supposed to do with that?”
Male trainers in Viridian Forest defended their behavior, however, insisting that they are just trying to be helpful.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said trainer Youngster Joey. “If I’m explaining why her Pikachu’s Quick Attack is trash, it’s because I’m trying to help her be a better trainer. The least she could do is smile and be appreciative.”
At press time, a male trainer was seen running after a female trainer shouting, “Wait! Let’s trade numbers so we can breed my Nidoking with your Nidoqueen!” while an Ursaring quietly observed from the bushes.
UNITED STATES — Players across the “America” server have found themselves struggling with a new patch from the game devs that has added a second phase to the Donald Trump boss, sources confirm.
“Ah, man, this is gonna be really tough.” gamer Will Langstrom said in a Reddit post. “Personally, I voted against this new patch because I knew it’d be filled with some bullshit. I needed so many flasks just to make it through Trump’s first phase. Now I’m probably gonna have to find a potion merchant who sells stronger elixirs, and I’ll have to travel all the way to the other side of town for that.”
Top complaints regarding the update include the fact that Trump’s moveset has become even more aggressive in his second form, per multiple reports.
“It’s so unfair. First of all, if you lose to him, he takes all of your currency and gives it to the other bosses. It’s so punishing.” said new player Katie Gold. “Then on top of that, if you get too close to him during the fight, he tele-deports you all the way across the map, and the runback time is insane. How is that immersive gameplay?” Gold then elaborated on her issues with the patch: “Also, for some reason they gave him a move where he ground-pounds you with his dump truck ass? I mean I admit that he has a very… ‘unique’ character design, but that’s a little much.”
Above all, the resounding sentiment is that there was no clear way to equip for the encounter, which has left the community at large stunned.
“In the game’s previous version, Trump was about to be imprisoned for his many crimes in the dungeons of New York,” gaming journalist Rachel Minski told reporters. “But it seems like a lot of people wanted this update because they thought the devs would make shop prices lower to balance things out. And because the Democrat faction wasn’t doing enough about the ongoing genocide playing out in the Middle East server. Little did they realize they were opening the doors for the Trump boss to respawn stronger than ever before, making progress harder for every in-game class except the nobles. I have yet to see one successful attempt at beating him now that he’s been granted a whole second health bar.”
At press time, the Democrat faction was seen performing necromancies and pushing a reanimated corpse into Trump’s boss arena in an ill-fated attempt to emerge victorious even one single time.
PALM BEACH — President-elect Donald J. Trump has selected real estate mogul Tom Nook to head his cabinet’s Department of Housing and Urban Development.
The nomination came Friday during a rally on Trump Island which was recently charted off the Florida coastline.
“I’ve known Tom for years. Long, long time. TOM CROOK they used to call him, nasty nickname given to him by the Dirty Dems. I wouldn’t call him that, but many called him corrupt. Not now though, many people are saying it’s the greatest appointment ever. That’s what they’re saying folks, believe me let me tell you. […] Most people think he’s a fox but he’s a tanuki, a lot of people don’t know that. […] The tanukis love me. You know when you spell ‘Tom Nook’ it’s like ‘tanuki.’ I just picked that up, has anyone ever thought of that? Tanukis. He’s a Japanese racoon dog with big nuts. Huge balls on a dog thing, that’s how we make America great again.”
Nook addressed the crowd after taking the stage to K.K. Lament, which the performing artist Totakeke has since clarified was an unlicensed use of his song.
“How shall I begin, hm? I’m quite glad that I’ll be working with such an ambitious administration to turn over a new leaf and transform this desolate country.” Nook later hinted at plans for his appointment, “My programs will put a roof over every American’s head — or at least a tent, oho! It won’t cost you anything, well, a few bells. Pocket change really. But we’ll provide loans to anyone unable to afford their mandatory housing once Timmy and Tommy are heading the Treasury and SEC. Ah, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Yes, yes! Let’s get started!”
Economic analyst Kit Soone, creator of the Substack For Whom The Bells Toll, warned against the nomination:
“Do not be fooled by his quaint demeanor, Mr. Nook has made a career off predatory practices. Tanuki are not benevolent magical creatures; they are greedy, mischievous fiends and Tom Nook is no exception. He creates closed-loop economies with fake currencies built upon indentured servitude — then he pulls the rug. His appointment threatens to bankrupt the country, leaving millions in destitute poverty, and it reeks of cronyism.”
Soone further described the intricacies of the Nook Inc. enterprise.
“He buys land in locales with no construction codes, no oversight, and no competition where his family can exploit the labor force in exchange for structures and furnishings which are mere illusions. He uses devious magic to turn leaves into useful objects then he leaves before they revert to their useless form after selling his stake in these fake gentrified communities.”
At press time, a Trump transition spokesman announced they would no longer be pursuing the Nook nomination upon learning his home ownership restructuring plan included interest-free lending.
