COLOMBIA, S.C. — We all love a good Hitman mission. You get your intel, you choose your equipment, and you use the world around you to get the job done. Well apparently it’s not actually that easy.
I got through the lobby just fine, but it all went downhill as soon as I got any farther than that. I slipped into the sixth-floor bathroom and tried to knock out the janitor, but I couldn’t get a clean hit and then he laughed at me so I freaked out. I got blood all over his uniform so I couldn’t really wear it as a disguise, it was a whole ordeal I really didn’t expect. I stepped out to check out my options and this nosey security guard was all: “What was that crazy noise?” and “Hey, is that blood all over your shirt?” and “I can see the knife behind your back, drop it right now.”
Long story short, there is a pile of bodies in this bathroom, I’m up to my elbows in viscera, and I’m just stumped about where to go from here. Usually there’d be a convenient window or a woodchipper or something that I could pop these bad boys into, but I seem just to be stuck with a giant stack of corpses. One of them is my accountant, so mission accomplished and all, but I’m honestly not sure how I’m going to get out of here now.
In Hitman you just sorta walk off and all is well, but gosh this sure is more complicated in real life. There’s so much blood everywhere, and I’m pretty sure there are cameras in the hallway. My big hope is that these gloves and the sheer volume of bodies here will be able to cover my trail, but something tells me I’m going to have to be creative if I want to get out of this one with a silent assassin rating.
This seems a lot like the sort of thing people mean when they say video games can’t teach you everything. There’s no substitute for the real thing! Starting in a skyscraper? Not my best idea. I also think I could have planned this better. I didn’t really read the intelligence beforehand, which doesn’t really matter too much in Hitman, but here I totally missed that there would be so much security. They’ve all been dealt with, but I’m so wiped out now.
Nobody tells you how heavy a body is and I’m going to have to try and carry them all to the loading dock in order to put them in the garbage compactor. I think that will leave a trail though, which also doesn’t happen in the game. I guess if you want to be any good at something, you need to put down the controller and get practicing!
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Employees at Activision Blizzard received an unexpected farewell message from their soon-to-be former CEO Bobby Kotick in their voicemail inbox recently, sources from within the company confirmed.
Kotick, who became CEO of Activision in 1991 and then of Activision Blizzard in 2008, is known for his desire to “take the fun” out of making video games, annualizing every half decent idea his employees come up with then shuttering their studio the moment the profits dip. He also sometimes threatens to kill people, sources confirmed.
Industry experts have said that when he walks out of Activision Blizzard HQ for the last time on December 29th, he can do so with his head held high having achieved his goals and can be assured the games industry is far worse off than when he found it.
One current employee shared their feelings about the farewell message with a reporter.
“We all knew Bobby would be leaving after the Microsoft acquisition, but for him to sign off with one of his patented ‘I am going to throw you into a woodchipper’ voicemails is a nice touch,” said the employee, who requested to remain anonymous.
“It just goes to show that even when he has one foot out the door, he can still take the time to let his employees know just how much he despises them.”
Another Activision Blizzard employee went on to talk about the CEO’s drive for success.
“Oh, Bobby was a pioneer. When he came on the scene he was one of the first to try and really exploit the video games industry, and in that I think he’s been largely successful. I usually try to stay off his radar, but getting one more message from him where you can hear the spit flying from his lips… it’s kind of special.”
Kotick’s most recent assistant was unable to hear the message as they sustained permanent hearing damage due to Kotick’s constant beratement, but a transcript of the message was provided for them to read.
“That’s our Bobby alright. He always thinks of the most creative things he’s going to shove down your throat,” the assistant said, fighting back tears.
“It’s honestly really sweet. I remember that back when I first started, they used to frighten me, but then I learned belittling people and making them feel inferior is how he shows affection.”
At press time, Bobby Kotick was seen coercing a homeless man into diving off the Santa Monica pier to retrieve a dollar bill he had attached to a fishing hook.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — After a lengthy battle in court, the 18-year old hacker responsible for leaked footage of Grand Theft Auto 6 was sentenced with imprisonment until the release of Grand Theft Auto 7, Rockstar’s legal team confirmed.
“It was the only punishment that fit the crime,” said the sentencing judge. “I could’ve done a life sentence, but that’s usually just 25 years served. The release of GTA 7 will be much later than that. Perhaps never, depending on the yearly revenue of GTA 6 Online.”
The idea that the sequel to a highly anticipated game would take longer than a literal life sentence sounds ridiculous to some, but for a company like Rockstar, one life sentence almost sounds optimistic.
“We have one other game scheduled before we start work on GTA 7, so it’s at least 25 years away,” said a senior Rockstar developer. “The game in question is Red Dead 3, which will take place after Red Dead 2 but before Red Dead 1. The open world and all the missions are almost done, but we will be hard at work for the next decade on giving each hair on the horses’ testicles accurate physics. It’s not easy to be perfectionists, y’know.”
Many Rockstar fans feel that the sentencing of this young hacker was far too cruel, but others seem to believe that it wasn’t enough.
“If I was the judge, I’d make him rot until GTA 8 or 9. Hell, maybe even 10!” said a very furious fan.
“I was hoping to go into the next installment with no idea what to expect. Sure, every GTA up to now has been a violent open-world shooter with satirical commentary on American culture, but what if this one wasn’t? It could’ve been a MOBA or a roguelike deck builder, but now the mystery is ruined!”
Insider sources claim that any future security breaches on the studio will be answered with the cruelest legal blow possible – imprisonment until the release of Bully 2.
KYOTO, Japan — The physical manifestation of the insidious subconscious thoughts that plague all men descended upon Japan recently, and was quickly felled by a ragtag group of teenagers, according to a police report filed after the event.
The group, who declined to comment, has been a noticeable feature of a small province in Kyoto of late. Local hot springs proprietor Yosuke Honda remembered the group clearly in an interview with investigators.
“Frankly, I thought they were a bunch of troublemakers. A couple weeks ago, the boys in their group hatched a plan to sneak into the girls’ section of the hot springs. Needless to say, a pratfall ensued that ended with marginal damage to my fence. The girls gave ‘em what for, but the damage was done,” said Honda.
“If you’d told me then that those kids would go on to destroy an incarnation of the human understanding of death and despair, I’d have had my doubts.”
Manager of an unremarkable local weapon shop, Asami Yoshida, disagreed with Honda’s surprise.
“They weren’t exactly a normal group of high schoolers. At least one of them was a robot, and they had some sort of cat or something that could either speak Japanese, or one of those kids could speak cat. I didn’t pay much attention, honestly. They were all that was keeping my store in business,” said Yoshida.
“If my weapons had a hand in putting an end to an all-powerful deity feeding on the jealousy and selfishness and basest desires of humankind, I feel like that’s just a strong foot to stand on from an advertising perspective. And I’m pretty sure one of the teens was student council president. That’s a good look.”
Other local business owners had taken note of the group’s leader spending a lot of one-on-one time with each of the members of the group. He had, according to reports, not had any measure of a personal identity, responding only in a way that the friend he was with at the time would personally find favorable.
“He was a real blank slate. I suppose anyone could’ve projected themselves onto him without too much heavy lifting,” said a local medical practitioner.
“Don’t get me wrong, there’s no judgement in that statement. He invested heavily in experimental medicines, and he rid Japan of depraved nightmares that had somehow invaded our waking world, killing a Dark God beyond our conscious understanding in the process. That’s enough to put him in my good books.”
At press time, the leader of the group had returned to his hometown after an unspecified length of time. This time might have included further adventures with the group, depending on public interest and financial viability.
SAN FRANCISCO — Dave Filoni was forced to strike down auteur filmmaker George Lucas before taking on his new role as Chief Creative Lead at Lucasfilm, Bothan sources confirm.
“It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life,” said Filoni. “Not only was it challenging to work up the sheer willpower necessary to kill my mentor and good friend, but it also doesn’t really fit with what I imagine my in-universe persona would be. See, I’m more into the gray Jedi philosophy rather than straight-up Sith ideology. I reject both the dogma of the Jedi Council and the destructive teachings of Dark Side users. There’s a lot of reasons why, and I could go on about it forever. In fact, that’s how I killed George — I started talking about how Ahsoka found the true balance and bored him to death.”
Security recordings made available to the press showed Lucas accepting his fate while giving a cryptic monologue to his former pupil.
“Yes, yes, let the hate flow through you,” said Lucas, who was sitting in a throne-like chair with his eyes closed. “Not your hate. The hatred of a billion fans who will condemn you for every creative decision you make. Strike me down, and you will become exactly as I am. I shall pass this burden onto you, my apprentice. By taking their vitriol, you shall finally grant me peace.”
Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy said she was pleased with Filoni’s performance in quickly eliminating his former master.
“Mr. Lucas was receiving recognition for a property that is now largely Dave’s vision,” said Kennedy. “It is only natural that Dave would feel jealous and resentful of the man who had been pulling his strings for so long. Of course, that doesn’t mean that he’s truly free now. As a wise Jedi once said, ‘There’s always a bigger fish.’ Meesa thinkin’, Dave is in for a surprise. There’s a maxi big power above him. But that’s a longo tello.”
At press time, Filoni was seen forcing Jon Favreau and Tony Gilroy to fight to the death in order to determine who would become his new apprentice.
The latest treasure hunt in GTA Online has dropped in this week’s event update, and this guide has all the details you need to find the Yeti location, and unlock the Yeti Outfit in your wardrobe.
As with all GTA Online treasure hunts, the process consists of multiple steps, but thankfully for once, this Yeti Hunt 2023 is just six steps long and can be easily completed in a few minutes.
How To Unlock The Yeti Outfit In Grand Theft Auto Online
Before you proceed to the Yeti hunt location, make sure you have a vehicle that can make its way around the Cassidy Creek area in Blaine County. You’ll be traversing a large area, and it would help to be relatively mobile. The Oppressor Mk II is your best bet, but feel free to take whatever vehicle you can afford.
The ideal time to embark on the quest for the Yeti is after 9PM GTA time, if only for the sake of efficiency. You’ll see why later in this guide.
Next, proceed towards the area shown on the map in the image above. Once in the vicinity, you will see a prompt onscreen:
“Investigate the Chiliad wilderness ? to search for clues of an unknown creature. Put an end to its terror to earn a bonus reward.”
The minimap will also display a large circle centered by a question mark.
Courtesy: https://gtalens.com/
As you near the circle, a text message will pop up on your phone from Tanner:
“Hey. You a hunter? You better be. Cuz there’s something in those woods. And it ain’t a bear. Trust me. Damn thing nearly killed me once. They’ll say you’re crazy till you get its hide. Then you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.”
Once in the target area, consult the map in the image above to easily locate the first of five clues. Head to each of the Yeti clue locations in turn. For an idea of exactly what you’re looking for, see the images below.
Once you’ve investigated the fifth and final clue, you must either remain within or return to the circular investigative zone between 9PM and 6AM in-game time. If you found and investigated all the clues before 9PM, you’ll have to wait till then, or come back.
“The Yeti from the Chiliad wilderness has come for you. Defeat it to earn a unique reward.”
At this point, the Yeti will spawn in the distance and begin charging towards you. Avoid getting hit, as it is a one-shot not unlike being smacked by the Beast.
The best weapon to put the Yeti down quickly is the RPG, which can take two to four shots. The Railgun also takes several rounds to drop the Yeti. Some people have reported that the Shotgun with explosive rounds is a one-shot on the Yeti. And there’s always Sticky Bombs.
If you’re still having trouble, note that the Yeti won’t cross the water, so put a stream between it and you, and fire away with impunity.
Once the Yeti is down, a bonus 50K GTA$ will be credited directly into your Maze Bank account. This is over and above the 50K GTA$ earned over the course of investigating the five clues.
Find And Wear The Yeti Outfit In GTA Online
Additionally, the following prompt should appear in the top-left corner:
“The Yeti Outfit has been unlocked and added to your wardrobe.”
If the Yeti successfully killed you, it will despawn. Not to worry, it will spawn again and you won’t have to carry out the clue investigation all over again. If you are still within the 9PM to 6AM GTA time window, just leave and re-enter the circle. It can take as many as three in-game hours to respawn.
If the Yeti Hunt is not spawning, simply wait for the next window. Remember that an in-game day in GTA Online is 48 minutes in the real world.
If you get disconnected from the server while hunting the Yeti, it may not respawn again in your new session. Simply wait a full in-game day for the next spawn window.
Bear in mind that the Yeti Hunt event ends Thursday, January 4, 2024 when the regular GTA Online weekly reset usually happens.
PALLET TOWN — Professor Samuel Oak reportedly admitted to “making random shit up” for various Pokémon in the Pokédex in a heated press conference, shocked reporters confirmed.
“Look, man, how do they expect me to research Pokemon I have no access to? One of my students came in a few weeks ago telling me about this big-ass bird, called it a ‘Loogya’ or something. He asked me to update his Pokedex to include this fucking thing, as if I was supposed to have some idea what the hell it was,” said Oak.
“I made something up about it being the ‘guardian of the seas’ and causing hurricanes – he left looking happy and he hasn’t bothered me since.”
Dr. Oak reports that he’s also had difficulty with non-legendary Pokemon, citing an unwillingness of others to donate to his lab.
“During my stay in Sinnoh, I learned of a rare Pokemon named ‘Drifloon’. Apparently there’s only one in the whole region, and it just showed up in front of a windmill one day,” Oak continued..
“I begged the owner to donate it, or at least breed it and give me the egg, but this little shit said he wanted to ‘keep it rare.’ Fuck you, Robert. I wrote about how your ‘Drifloon’ kidnaps small children – have fun in prison, bitch.”
Scientists working at Dr. Oak’s laboratory suggested another reason for the false data may be that the rate of discovery for new Pokemon was simply too fast for them to keep up.
“Researching takes a huge amount of time – we usually can only write up one, maybe two entries per month. We blew up the lab three times trying to weigh a Voltorb,” explained researcher Clara James.
“When we were told that explorers found another 156 Pokemon in Unova in four days, Professor Oak locked himself in his office and cried.”
After the press conference, Dr. Oak was sighted pacing around his laboratory, yelling “What the fuck is an Ultra Beast?”
PAWTUCKET, R.I. — Hasbro, one of the largest toy and board game manufacturers, has now set its sights on the video game industry. According to a press release from executives, the company has laid off 1,100 workers to attempt to emulate the conditions of successful companies in the games space.
“As a company, we’ve been thinking about entering the video game industry for a while. We had an internal team analyze the success of that industry and how we could emulate it,” said Hasbro CEO Chris Cocks.
“We looked at companies like Activision Blizzard, EA, Epic Games, companies that generate huge profits, and noticed one thing they all had in common: Massive layoffs.”
Other executives at Hasbro expressed excitement at the decision to enter the video game industry.
“It’s an industry with a market size of $97 billion in the US alone. I can’t wait to get a piece of that for myself,” said Hasbro’s chief revenue officer. “I’m as excited as everyone else on the team. With a leaner company, we’ll be able to shift revenue gains upwards in the company.”
Hasbro’s long term plans for entry into the video game industry are still unclear, but industry insiders view the layoffs as a key step for Hasbro in establishing itself as one of the power players in the video game industry.
Hard Drive reached out to one of the remaining employees at Hasbro for their point of view on the recent developments.
“I came into the office yesterday and my whole team was gone. In an email, I was told I was now responsible to cover all the additional work. Leadership has been unavailable since they went on vacation at the start of December. I don’t know if I’ll be able to spend the holiday with my family this year,” said an employee who asked to remain anonymous.
When reached for further comment, CEO Chris Cocks was unavailable due to spotty internet at his remote ocean-view vacation home.
It’s getting down to the wire, gamers. Christmas lists have long been finalized, presents have been ordered, and zero hour approaches. You can’t count on friends and family to give you everything on your wishlist, though — that’s where the guy in the red suit comes in. Of course, his gifts come with strings attached. If you’ve been less-than-virtuous this year, time is running out for you to shift the balance in your favor. Check out this list for some easy, repeatable good deeds that could be your ticket off of the naughty list this year.
1 — Pay it forward in the drive-through
It’s always a nice surprise to pull up to the drive-through window and learn that the car ahead of you has already paid for you. The best part is that you can just drive around and do it again!
2 — Bring a package in for a neighbor
This tip is mostly intended for those in apartments or similar shared-entrance situations, but single-family homeowners can take advantage of it, too. Test out your neighbors’ stuff and let them know if it’s any good! They will surely thank you for your diligence.
3 — Clean a public restroom
These things are all over the place and most of them could use a good scrubbing. Get to it!
4 — Compliment someone
There are so many people on this planet, and many of them have admirable qualities. The only caveat to using this as a good deed is that the person you compliment must be someone who you are not attracted to. Getting laid negates the altruistic component of this entry.
5 — Buy Dave the Diver
Supporting poor indie developers is a good deed. For extra points, keep buying copies so you can gift them to your friends.
6 — Call your mom
This is basically an infinite XP glitch. You can repeat it as often as you want. Call her back as soon as you hang up and she’ll be just as delighted as she was the first time.
7 — Adopt a bunch cats
Just dozens and dozens of cats. No one who has that many cats could possibly be on the naughty list.
8 — Buy fries for the table
This good deed is slightly diminished if you eat most of the fries, but it can also be repeated indefinitely, so go to town!
9 — Post on social media about how things should be different
Man, things sure are awful. It would be great if someone did something about that. Therefore, it would also be pretty good if someone suggested that someone should do something about that. It’s a whole lot easier, too.
10 — Join a cult
One of the most difficult parts of performing good deeds is navigating the complex web of moral and ethical philosophy that determines what a good deed actually is. Cults cut right through that red tape and tell you directly what is good and what is evil. You’ll be selling colloidal silver and/or firebombing a district attorney’s home in no time, making your case for the good list all the while!
11 — Stop masturbating
This technically isn’t a good deed, but it couldn’t hurt. I mean, Santa is watching you 24/7. He’d probably appreciate it if he didn’t have to see you cranking it throughout the holiday season. You should really cut back, anyway. For your own good.
12 — Tell someone to calm down
Throughout the day, seek out people who have lost their cool and tell them that they should calm down. They’ll appreciate your advice and immediately chill out. This will lower the aggregate negative energy in the world.
13 — Let your little brother use the good controller
Just kidding!
14 — Tell your barista to smile more
It’s nice to spread cheer during the holidays! Plus, she looks so pretty when she smiles, and she’ll surely appreciate it if you tell her that while she’s on the clock.
15 — Leave a mean comment on this article
Go ahead, blow off some steam. Take your aggression out on me so you don’t end up hurting someone else. I’m giving you permission, so it doesn’t count as a bad deed. I’ve even intentionally included some grammar mistakes and awkward phrasing throughout this list, just to inspire you. Hit me with your best shot.
16 — Steal a book from the library
They’ll just buy a replacement, thereby increasing the number of books in the world. Books are good, so more books means more good. It’s only logical.
17 — Sabotage a windmill
Santa is running the world’s largest coal distribution operation. Renewables are a huge threat to his empire. We must do all we can to kneecap clean energy. For Santa.
18 — Buy animals from the pet store and release them into the wild
Those poor creatures are likely doomed to die in that store. Wouldn’t that chameleon prefer to experience some fresh December air before it goes?
19 — Write a short form humor piece
There is nothing more noble or good than delivering the gift of laughter. This is why I can consider myself a good person despite my fundamental and obvious shortcomings.
20 — Consume
Buy. Buy gifts for your friends and family. Buy collectibles, games, and gadgets for yourself. Order from Panera for lunch instead of making a sandwich at home. Buy a shirt from the Hard Drive store. Our economy depends on continuous, infinite growth. If that growth should falter, we are doomed. Therefore, consumption is an unquestionable good. As long as you are spending all of your money, all of the time, you cannot possibly end up on the naughty list.
SAN FRANCISCO — The last remaining engineer at Twitter/X reportedly blew on the SNES-style cartridge which holds the entire website together, then plugged it back in, Grok reported alongside several ham-fisted science fiction references.
Hard Drive will continue to report on this story as it develops.
Additionally, the following prompt should appear in the top-left corner:
