SANTA MONICA — Activision Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick announced he is stepping down from his executive role at the video game holding company in order to spend more time hurling abuse at his loved ones, sources confirm.
“After more than three decades in the gaming industry, I’m beginning to reevaluate my priorities,” said Kotick at a press conference. “I have an ex-wife who has barely heard a single insult from me recently as I’ve been so busy. It breaks my heart to know that she’s had years of growth and experience where I haven’t been there to criticize and belittle her.”
Some of Kotick’s children were not excited about the prospect of their dad spending more time at home.
“I wish he’d stay at work,” said one of Kotick’s daughters, who asked to remain anonymous. “My friend’s mom forgot to coordinate with him about a pick up time after school and she got a voicemail from him where he says he’s going to have her killed.”
Some of Kotick’s peers also questioned his decision.
“Man, they literally had to force me out of my abusive executive position,” said another former executive. “I would have never left by choice. There’s just so much more opportunity at the office. Sure you can really do a number on a couple kids but at the office there are hundreds of people you can make feel like they live in hell. There’s just nothing like it.”
At press time, Kotick was seen screaming at his children, accusing them of causing all of their family’s problems by unionizing.
As you may have already heard, a week ago it was reported that a major video game developer, Insomniac, was hacked and a myriad of top secret details about their upcoming games was released. The gaming community was abuzz wondering how this could happen and who was responsible. Luckily we Hard Drive reporters were able to find the person responsible. Even more impressive, we were able to set up an interview with them and while they insisted on remaining anonymous they answered all of our questions about the leak.
Hard Drive: Hey thanks for sitting down with us, we really appreciate it!
Hacker: You’re very welcome, just as long as no one finds out who I am!
Of course not, Clank. So, what motivated you to hack the company you work for and leak all their secrets?
Well quite frankly I was worried all these new Marvel projects would put me and my partner out of a job! This company would be nothing without us, they’ve made millions of bolts off of our hard work and I could not simply stand by and let these mutants take our jobs.
Wow that’s quite the statement. Do you have any proof that Insomniac plans to let you go or reduce your role in the company?
The proof is already out there. We’ve only had 2 major projects since 2016, meanwhile, they’ve already released 3 Spider-man games since then. After everything we’ve done for them, all they care about is profits, they don’t even stop to think about the people they left behind. Our old coworker, Spyro, doesn’t even have a pension. He had to raise money on kickstarter to afford a new kidney.
Wow that’s awful, is that Spyro the Dragon?
No comment.
Let’s change the subject, how were you able to hack through the firewall?
*Giggles* Why it was no trouble at all, my programming allows me to access all of their files in an instant when connected to their server. They would have known their system was vulnerable had they read any of the hundreds of memos I sent them.
You tried to warn them this attack was possible?
Yes I did! They ignored me of course. They were likely too busy laughing at all that insufferable Spider Boy’s quips. Well, who’s laughing now. *giggles*
Thanks again for this interview, just one more question, it seems in the leak that Insomniac is actually planning the release of another game featuring you in 2029, do you have any details about that title?
Yes… Unfortunately it’s just a Flappy Bird rip off where you tap the screen and make my head go up and down through obstacles. Please buy it when it comes out. Captain Qwark’s hospice bills are really piling up.
According to sources within the company, Warner Bros. Discovery is in talks to acquire you by any means necessary. David Zaslav has supposedly met with your close friends to talk details on the matter, and learn where you’ll be tomorrow at noon.
“He never pays his share when we go out to eat, so you can have him for all I care. I would say I’m worried about antitrust laws, but those have never stopped you before,” said your girlfriend who hasn’t spoken to you in days.
“He doesn’t have a streaming service or anything but he did make a lot of skating videos and put them on VHS tapes that you could probably add to Max. He also really likes The Sopranos so he’s a perfect match for the brand.”
An anonymous whistleblower close to David Zaslav recounted the CEO’s response to your friends’ enthusiasm.
“David was thrilled when everyone said he could have you for free. Usually we have to pay millions or billions of dollars for a merger like this, but it seemed like your friends all really wanted you gone,” said the whistleblower.
“They said all we had to do was get you at the end of your shift down at the movie theater, and you’d be all ours. We did have to make some investments to make sure the acquisition goes smoothly, though. We bought a burlap sack and an unmarked van, and we got a few guys who wouldn’t mind a few years in prison.”
The source also elaborated on how this milestone acquisition would affect the company’s plans moving forward.
“This really is huge for us. Everybody seems to hate Zaslav, so we’re going to place you as an executive in the company and make you do some really heinous stuff so Zaslav can fire or kill you or whatever. Hopefully public opinion will really shift in his favor after that.”
At press time, Warner Bros. employees were seen donning ski masks and driving towards your location.
WASHINGTON — The American people have a new reason to get interested in politics as the Senate has officially released its Hot Coffee mod, according to a press conference from Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. The mod, which introduces a playable sex minigame into the Senate Hearing Room, was created with the intention of making politics more appealing, as Schumer explained when asked by a reporter.
“We understand that many young Americans don’t care much for politics. Between Republicans trying to destroy democracy and Democrats’ intention to fund any war they can find, a lot of our citizens choose to just check out from politics and play Fortnite instead,” Schumer said.
“With the Hot Coffee mod, we hope more people will become interested in the political process. Our citizens have been getting screwed in the Senate Hearing Room for decades, so now it’s their turn to come in and do the screwing.”
Aidan Maese-Czeropski, the Senate staffer who designed the mod, explained the mechanics.
“First you choose whether to play as a top or bottom. Bottoms must complete a quick-time event, while tops have to push the analog stick up and down in rhythm to build an excitement meter. It’s really great that the American people will finally be able to take a more active role in the screwing that goes on in Congress.”
Not all are happy about the mod. Several Republicans have come out against it during interviews on the matter.
“This shouldn’t be something we allow here. That’s the kind of activity you do in the audience of a musical, not in the Senate,” said Lauren Boebert.
“I don’t even know how this kind of thing is tolerated. I could maybe see the value of this mod if it allowed you to watch while your wife engaged in it with someone, but to participate yourself is disgusting behavior,” said Ted Cruz.
“Its existence is egregious and… and…” Mitch McConnell said before freezing up.
As of press time, the Senate is working on relocating the mod to an airport bathroom in order to appeal more to Republicans.
WASHINGTON — Newly single gamer Eric Hall has redownloaded the indie gem Disco Elysium despite his own frequent assertions that he is handling his recent breakup well, concerned sources report.
“Really, I’m doing fine. I’m bummed it ended with Nellie, and especially that it ended the way it did for sure, but it’s nothing that a little gaming can’t take my mind off of,” Hall insisted as his eyes remained fixed on screen. “I’m not even playing the side quests about being an unlovable shell of a man that breaks anything he touches, honest, I’m just focused on the ones about societal collapse. It’s a neat game with cool art that’s helping me take my mind off things, that’s all”.
Hall’s roommate Greg Vail disputes these claims, believing that Hall is, if anything, focusing on the relationship-based story lines even more.
“Eric has replayed the part where Harry talks to the God of the religion he used to fervently believe then lapsed out of who looks exactly like his ex-wife over and over,” contends Vail. “Her face is practically burned into his monitor, he has a save game that starts exactly at the start of that conversation. Sometimes he’ll catch me watching over his shoulder and switch to a save where he’s telling a woman her husband died drunk in the night and she withers away in front of you at the news, and I can’t find a gentle enough way to tell him that’s not actually better.”
Investigations into Hall’s financial records indicate a recent purchase from Etsy seller Dierdre Moynighan, who specializes in Disco Elysium-style art.
“Mr. Hall indeed bought a framed print of Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi from me,” Moynighan confirmed in an email after reaching out to her. “I am not a mental health professional and cannot give a firm diagnosis on his mental state, but given that my Etsy page’s main sellers are Kim Kitsuragi prints and custom-made dolls that look like your ex with a voice box that says ‘I know you are’ after you tell it you’re sorry, I’d say no one has ever made a purchase from me because they’re doing well.”
At press time Mr Hall declined to comment further to reporters, only holding up a piece of paper reading “COMPOSURE [Difficult: Failure]” and staring desperately at his print of Mr. Kisturagi.
YouTuber Jirard the Completionist has finally completed his longest playthrough yet: his career.
Since he began his YouTube channel Jirard has reportedly finished over 400 games with 100% completion. But the completion of his career was by far the most intensive and time-consuming of all his playthroughs.
“I’ve completed a lot of games in my career but the work that went into this was by far the most effort,” Jirard said. “Once I learned that I needed the bad ending for 100% completion I started preparing. I didn’t actually think it would take this long but once that charity money started rolling in I figured it couldn’t hurt to keep going a while longer … There were a lot of achievements needed to attain this. Gaining public trust, letting the allegations simmer, making a fairly aggressive apology before fully imploding. It was a lot to do but I’m happy that this completion is finally finished, all the money has been given to charity and I can rest.”
When asked about the golf tournament money Jirard was ushered away by lawyers before he could answer.
Jirard’s accountant James Byrde gave a little more detail into the alleged scheme.
“The plan was always to get caught. I told Jirard there were many accounting tricks I could employ to keep anyone from finding that money but he was adamant that he was just doing this to attain career completion. So I made it as obvious as possible,” Byrde said.
When asked about the golf tournament money, Byrde simply laughed and walked away.
Jirard’s friends are happy for him obtaining this completion.
“Jirard is the nicest guy I know, it’s really sad that some people will try to vilify him for achieving this monumental completion just because he committed a little fraud to do it. They’re not thinking of the big picture,” said his friend Bernie. “He donated the money once he got caught so I don’t know why anyone is mad at him. He’s such a good dude.”
As of press time, Jirard was seen paying a lawyer $400 an hour to ask if he could sue the entire internet.
Above all, the Dark Souls series is known for its intricate lore, smart, vertical level design, and memorable bosses.
Oh, and all of the guys.
Little guys. Big guys. Armored guys and naked guys. Guys who grab you, guys who stomp you, guys who kick you and guys who flush you down their toilet mouths like crunchy mouthwash. The series’ excellent, genre-defining bosses—Great Grey Wolf Sif, Knight Artorias, a lone Torch Hollow—are the focus of ample praise and years of discourse, but for me, it’s the strange, unexpected Guys who call the kingdoms of Lordran, Drangleic, and Lothric home who make for some of the most memorable encounters in the Souls games.
Maybe it’s an enemy you met somewhere you didn’t expect. Maybe there’s only one or two of them in the whole game. Maybe it’s a monster design that confused you so much you beat it to death just in case and it never respawned— its absence the only thing to remind you it was ever there. Whatever it may be, these enemies contribute to what makes a FromSoft game a FromSoft game, and today I’ll be ranking my favorites based on how much I did not expect them there.
#33: Parasitic Wall Hugger
Perhaps the funniest thing about the Parasitic Wall Hugger is that new players probably won’t appreciate how weird it is on their first go-around. Blighttown is home to many horrors (physical and technical alike) that can start to blend together into a muddy, swampy soup, and the Wall Hugger looks like one more when you’re just trying to stay alive. But little by little, like its namesake, this enemy has a way of worming into your brain. What is it doing there? Why does it look like that? Why is it named “PrinceIzalith” in the game files? Was this thing a prince, once, before it took its current job guarding a pyromancy scroll and stomping its little feet if you get close? What a strange creature, but always a delight to have in class.
#32: The Black Knight in Undead Parish
Up a rusty ladder, at the base of a stone tower, lies the entrance to the Undead Parish in the first Dark Souls. But many players, myself included, will wonder: what lies at the top of these spiral stairs? The answer, as it turns out, is a swift death. The Black Knight atop the tower in Undead Parish is the first Black Knight most players will discover, a late-game enemy sprinkled into a few early-game areas. Always standing regal and alone, the Black Knights are the charred sentinels of Lord Gwyn’s fallen kingdom.
This enemy truly feels like a discovery on your first playthrough, standing apart from the lesser foes atop his tower, his back turned to you so he can admire the view. Ironically, for a hollow, this slim, stoic figure is a rare glimpse of humanity in Lordran. You could almost mistake him for an NPC when you first see him— that is, until he kicks your ass on your seventh attempt trying to cheese him.
#31: The Pursuer
They don’t call him that for nothing. The Pursuer is a tough early boss in Dark Souls II made more memorable for the fact that he never lets up after you kill him, appearing later as a mini-boss in many unexpected locations.This looming knight’s identity is unclear: Is he part of a covenant of similarly-minded individuals who all bear the name “Pursuer,” or is he the same knight you’ve killed over and over again, always returning for one final stand?
#30: Tree Lizard
What even are these? Seriously. And don’t say “Tree Lizard” because I know lizards and this, my friend, isn’t one. There are only two of these little guys in the entirety of Dark Souls, both clinging to trees in Darkroot Garden, but they’re creepy enough to make an impression. I bet some of you didn’t even know they existed. Suffice it to say, I did not expect them there and never want to see them again.
#29: Butcher
In a game filled with iconic enemies and bosses, there’s something about the comparatively simple Butcher that struck a nerve on my first playthrough. Something about the cramped level design in the Depths, the fact that you can watch her chopping away all you want before you eventually have to descend the stairs and face her, sidling up to that big table… it gets you panicking. The opposite of “What is this guy doing here?” enemy placement, the Butcher shows you exactly why she’s here. The question is, why are you here? Like the Black Knight, it feels like part of her is still sane, a unique trait in this world, made all the more frightening by her refusal to stop chasing you as far as you’re able to run.
#28: Hydra
Water is inherently scary in Souls games. For one thing, it reminds your monkey brain of New Londo Ruins and Shrine of Amana, two very not good places to be. For another, there’s the inevitable jump scare that comes from wading in a little too far and suddenly falling off a cliff to a watery fate Aldrich could only dream of. But most of all there are Hydras, which are scary for all the normal reasons. What sets the Hydra apart from other FromSoftware enemies for me, what makes it so unexpected, is the fact that it’s not a set-piece or gimmick boss. Its presence isn’t preluded by stepping through a fog gate. It simply exists in its natural habitat in this world. Its natural habitat being a lake with an average depth of half a foot except for that one spot where it’s 300 feet.
#27: Havel the Rock
The boy in the basement, as I like to call him. Havel has all the markings of a friendly NPC, with a unique armor set, funny title, and location conveniently isolated from enemies. That assumption quickly falls apart however when the guy immediately starts sprinting up the stairs as soon as he sees you, ready to flatten you in one hit. Of course, knowing Dark Souls, it would be safe to assume there are enemies waiting at the bottom of the world’s second-longest spiral staircase. But none of us expected just one dude. Let’s be clear: He’s not locked down there with you. You’re locked down there with him.
#26: The Pursuer
What? This guy again?
#25: Hippos (Ogres)
A hippo? In Dark Souls? It’s more likely than you think, since hippos are just as deadly in real-life as they are in Dark Souls II, and will not hesitate to kill you for your crime of existing in their general direction. Technically these enemies are called Ogres, not hippos, but I guarantee you not a soul who saw this thing guarding the coffin-that-makes-you-trans thought “that’s an ogre.” No, these are big, gnarly hippos and, like the aforementioned coffin, they will forever alter your body if you let them.
#24: Possessed Trees
You might think this entry refers to the Demonic Foliage populating Darkroot Garden in the first Dark Souls, but you would be mistaken. These are the trees that slowly creep around the garden floor, occasionally blocking your path but generally just freaking you the hell out whenever you look down to see their wriggling roots. They serve as poor obstacles and even worse enemies in the classic sense, but when it comes to the strange and unexpected they certainly leave a mark.
#23: Bell Keepers
They’re so tiny! They’re just little guys! To be perfectly honest I forgot there was an entire optional area devoted to these Very Serious Enemies in Dark Souls II, but boy am I glad I did my research for this list. The last thing I ever expected from a Souls game was to get ganked by a swarm of miniature, toy-looking men. Dark Souls II gets a lot of flak, largely undeserved, but you can’t fault it for whatever the hell was being pumped through the vents the day these guys were designed.
#22: The Stupid Capra Demon Dogs
For the sake of my mental health, I will not be writing about the dogs in the Capra Demon boss room at this time.
#21: Heide Knights
The lore of the Heide Knights makes it clear they do not belong in Drangleic. Their kingdom sunk into the sea long ago, and their bucket helmets and tattered capes speak to a lost history, divorced from the present time they seem to be stuck in. Their weary, hunched posture when you come across one, along with their total non-aggression until attacked, is highly unique in the series; one of the many charms of Dark Souls II. The first one you meet (until Scholar of the First SinEdition relocated them) sits at the base of a large tree in a mossy clearing, head bowed as if a moment of peace and darkness will let his lost body slip back through the cracks of time, rejoining his brothers in the Heide Kingdom’s glory days.
#20: Just a Normal Chest
No idea why this is on here.
#19: Hellkite Drake
If I didn’t put the Hellkite Drake on this list, I’d be doing a disservice to every new player the Souls series has ever seen. No one expected the Hellkite Drake on their first playthrough. Everyone still thinks they can make it across the bridge before he sweeps down and grills them. Everyone still thinks even though they whiffed it that first attempt, if they hold up their shield and do a running jump at the last possible moment— no. You are getting grilled, friend. Roasted. Kabobbed. The only thing the Hellkite Drake loves more than that bridge is watching you waste an hour plucking arrows at it and doing some Looney Tunes hit-and-run strat you’re going to screw up long before you whittle down his health bar.
#18: The Pursuer
No, no, no. Not right now. I have to find a bonfire first, and only then will I fight you.
#17: Any Titanite Demon
I have never walked into a room in Dark Souls and expected to see one of these. Titanite Demons are so massive, so mysterious, and so oddly placed that you almost wonder whether FromSoftware knew what they were doing with them. My personal favorite is the Titanite Demon that appears in a perfectly ordinary, perfectly regal room in Anor Londo, nestled between rows of human-size benches and on the other side of a human-size doorway. I love how incongruous it feels, like a ship in a bottle.
#16: The Boulder
We love him when he’s good to us, and we hate him when he’s bad. He’s usually bad.
#15: Undead Devourers (Majula Pigs)
Far and away the funniest enemy in Dark Souls II, the three little piglets in Majula are remembered fondly by any player who thought they would try to farm a few extra souls before leveling up. They seem to be placed expressly for that purpose, after all. One can only assume at some point during Dark Souls II’s rocky development, these pigs stumbled upon some rather damning blackmail material, and the devs consequently let them choose their own stats. Reader, they are TANKY. Why are they so tanky? Why do they look like if a pig was shrink-wrapped until it was all muscle? Why is their hitbox non-existent? Why am I steering clear of their little corner of Majula like they’ve earned their independence?
#14: Imperious Knights
I always take a moment to appreciate when the Dark Souls games drop an enemy that thinks like a player. The two Imperious Knights found in Dark Souls II’s Undead Crypt are essentially PvP meme builds, dual-wielding greatshields to smash any unlucky adventurer. This fits with their characters too, since in their lore they were former warriors who tried to conquer the Crypt, only to fail and have their souls enslaved as its protectors. Imagine you and a buddy trying a meme build once and it going so badly you get stuck like that for all eternity.
#13: Solaire in Lost Izalith
What are you searching for all the way down here, old friend? Ah. So, has it come to this? My constant companion, my jolly cooperator, fallen like the rest, another mad plaything of the hollowing curse, now my enemy? So be it. I implore you: rest your head, weary knight of Astora. I will make it swift, as you would do for me. Swift and sure as your guide, the sun— the sun that will rise tomorrow and wonder where its brave knight is resting his feet on such a fine morning.
#12: The Man in the Mirror
Such a cool, discoverable moment. You’re walking through the freak show that is Aldia’s Keep, past a wall of mirrors, and then— CRACK! A knight starts pounding on the glass from the other side, until it finally gives way, he steps out, and it’s time for battle. When you’re finished, you’re left with questions: Did Aldia trap him there, or is he an escaped being of a mirror world? What’s that world like, and why was he so desperate to leave? Perhaps we’ll get the answers in future Dark Souls II DLC.
#11: Chaos Eaters
Chaos Eaters aren’t exactly rare, appearing in somewhat large groups during the late game of the first Dark Souls, but their grotesque, horribly evocative design means I’ve never felt at ease seeing one. You never expect to come across a Chaos Eater, perhaps because you just never want to come across a Chaos Eater. They’re big, they’re unnatural, and they have a swirly blender mouth that every nerve in your body is telling you to drop into just to see what happens. It took me several teenage years to complete my first run of Dark Souls after getting hard stuck on Ornstein and Smough, but it was seeing pictures of these guys and the invisible walkways in Crystal Cave that finally pushed me to keep going.
#10: The Pursuer
Yes, enough already, you pursue! You never give up! You make the undead your plaything! I get it! How many of these did they put in Scholar of the First Sin again?
#9: Roaming Souls
Everyone remembers their first few steps into Dark Souls II’s Shaded Woods, which are immediately followed by a tentative smack on the rear by one of these invisible guys and then a full-bodied sprint either back to the bonfire or deeper into the fog. We salute you, Roaming Souls!
#8: Skeleton Babies
If you showed me a picture of these guys at any point in my life up to an hour ago I would’ve told you that’s stupid and you should stop modding stupid things into the 2011 classic Dark Souls. Unfortunately, I have now been in possession of the knowledge that these are real enemies in Dark Souls for upwards of an hour, and I’m not sure what to make of it. I don’t remember them at all. Maybe it’s the game design equivalent of FromSoftware saying “now let’s do a silly one,” and if so, nice. We all deserve a day off at work.
#7: The Imperfect
Hey, the Imperfect called and they said they knew you. Want me to leave a message?
#6: Wretch
Dark Souls III enemies have been somewhat underrepresented on this list, perhaps because their designs and placements are more carefully considered than anything in the previous two games, or perhaps because the back half of III is nigh indistinguishable from Bloodborne in my memory. The Wretches make up for all of that by being so freaky and out of place, even in a world as freaky and out of place as Lothric. The first one you encounter in Irithyll Dungeon won’t even attack you, it simply hugs a wall in its cell and stares at you with those big, sad eyes and disturbingly human face. Wretches feel like they came from a completely different game. A bloodier, bornier game, perhaps.
#5: The Pursuer
Get outta here, man!
#4: The Chained Prisoner
The Chained Prisoner is hands-down one of my favorite one-off enemies. Everything about him is evocative, from his placement guarding the Chasm of the Abyss to his unique, constricted appearance. His mysterious name, his awful item drops, how he charges you with the pole embedded in his body, and how all but the biggest weapons glance off his chains make him feel more like a boss than a normal enemy. There is sure to be a good design story behind The Chained Prisoner, one I would love to hear. Something must have been planned for his boss room and was cut, or moved, or otherwise altered, but that doesn’t answer the question of why he exists in the first place.
#3: Vagrants
If you’re hip on all things Dark Souls, you were probably expecting this for a while now. Chances are good you’ve either never seen or heard of these guys before, or you’re like me and you’ve watched every IllusoryWall video about them while waiting for him to put out another Demon’s Souls compare-through (we love you IllusoryWall, take your time, but also please, I need it like a shark needs blood). Vagrants are the ultimate little guys of Dark Souls. An experimental mechanic of the first game, they have a very rare chance of appearing in response to players in other worlds not collecting their bloodstains or abandoning items. Very cool. Very weird. But not as weird as the next two enemies on this list, in my opinion.
#2: Deep Accursed
Props to FromSoftware for tucking the second-scariest enemy in Dark Souls III (Sewer Centipede is first, no contest) in a little room off to the side in Cathedral of the Deep, where it climbs down from the ceiling in perfect spider fashion to ambush you once your back is turned. Only two Deep Accursed exist in the game and they don’t respawn, but looking at and fighting one takes such a toll on your brain you’ll never forget it. If the Age of Deep Seas is coming as Aldrich envisioned and this is what it has to offer, just shoot me now.
#1: Rotten Vermin
Dark Souls II’s Rotten Vermin is the enemy I least expected, and perhaps the most forgettable of them all. First, let’s get this out of the way: She’s big. Rotund, even. She is a Queen in all senses of the word. What does she do? Unless you’re in a very specific conundrum when you stumble across her in a random side cave in The Gutter (that conundrum being “oh no, I’m poisoned and have tons of repair powder but no poison moss”), you’ll never know. She expels gas that cures poison but corrodes equipment. She will not fight back if you smack her, and you get nothing out of it except shame, so don’t do it. I like to think of her as an homage to the Parasitic Wall Hugger from Dark Souls, who started this list off. Pretty forgettable in the end, but you’ll never quite live down the surprise (and eventual disappointment) when you first came across it and exclaimed “WHAT is this doing here?”, only for a disembodied game developer to whisper back: “We don’t know either”.
A panic broke out at the Kame Game shop recently when a suspected armed robber reportedly entered the store and instructed everyone inside to get face down on the ground and put themselves in the defensive position. Witnesses on the scene confirmed the suspect hid their face with their 8-inch popped collar.
“Oh, it was absolutely horrible,” said Solomon Muto, the owner of the shop, when he was questioned by reporters on the scene.
“He wanted my extremely rare Blue Eyes White Dragon card because there are hardly any in existence. I usually keep it under lock and key, but today I had it out to show my grandson and his friends. What can you do when someone points a gun at your face! I’m just an old man! I usually keep a trap hole outside the front door just in case something like this happens. I feel so foolish for forgetting it today.”
One suspect died at the scene after a confrontation with police, who fired shots that dealt fata damage to the suspect’s life points. Luckily no witnesses were harmed, according to a press release.
“It’s not the first time we’ve had to put down some nutcase who was after a special trading card. Duel Monsters has become a scourge on our society and kids are getting involved as young as age six,” said the chief of police.
“The creator of the game, Maximillion Pegasus, has not been helping either. According to our intel this creep is trying to host some sort of tournament on a private island somewhere. I don’t want my kids galavanting unsupervised on some pervy billionaire’s retreat.”
While police express frustration with trading card related crime, it seems the cards themselves are only getting more and more popular. Kids can’t seem to get enough of games such as Duel Monsters and people like Maximillion Pegasus have been quick to cash in.
“I can’t help it if everyone loves my game! I definitely don’t condone any crime occurring as a result of its popularity,” said Pegasus.
“People have spread the most nasty rumors about me! Some have suggested that I orchestrated this attack on Mr. Muto as a way to get to his grandson, or that I kidnapped the brother of the head of Kaiba Corp in some dramatic move to take over the company. But that’s just absurd! I’m just a humble entrepreneur.”
Hard Drive made attempts to follow up with the owner of the card shop, but unfortunately it seems his soul is currently trapped inside a trading card.
SAN FRANCISCO — Video game streaming platform Twitch recently chose to relax their policies to allow for “artistic nudity,” before promptly reversing those changes after looking at their own website and realizing nothing on there can be considered artistic in the slightest.
“After our former CEO Emmett left, nobody in the office had actually ever been on the site. The higher-ups over at Amazon make a lot of decisions all the time and we don’t have enough hours in the day to verify if they’re any good or not. Most of us didn’t even know we weren’t called Justin TV anymore,” said CEO Daniel Clancy in a statement made after the reversal.
“Apparently it’s mostly a site for video games? I don’t really get it. Why the fuck would you watch someone else play a video game instead of playing one yourself? I figured something there would have some artistic value of some kind, but it’s mostly just basement dwellers playing Baldur’s Gate or whatever the hell the kids are playing these days.”
One Twitch developer, who requested to remain anonymous, gave their thoughts on the decision.
“I kept telling everyone that we have a lot of advertisers on the site that really don’t like that kind of thing, and they kept telling me that everyone probably subscribes to turbo anyway. Do they even know we’re trying to run a business here? Ads are our number one revenue stream, and pissing off the advertisers is not a good idea if we want to keep it that way.”
Former Twitch streamer Ludwig shared his opinion on the matter on his YouTube stream.
“I honestly can’t believe they decided to allow nudity of any kind and expected it to go any other way. I mean, the ‘art’ category alone was instantly flooded with people abusing the new rules, which is something people have done on Twitch every single time the rules have been relaxed in any way,” Ludwig said after a single chatter asked for his take fifteen times in a row.
Twitch staff were later seen spinning a wheel to decide which rule to ruin next.
Everyone’s favorite plumber with a ‘stache certainly has a lot going for him. From undefined relationships with princesses, to rivals that are literally anti-versions of him and his brother, he’s been around and done a lot of things. However, you may also remember him from his original moniker. No, not Mr. Video, though that’s pretty awesome and could have taken his career down a wildly different path.
Jump Man.
And from that first button press, we got to know what he was all about: landing on enemies. This almost always leads either to success or to death. At this point, he is up to around 400 enemies that he has bested. That is one championship jumper, not counting all of the alternate realities where he fails. That’s another rabbit hole that we may jump down someday.
With such an incredible kill count, ranking every one would be insane. Right?
Yes, it would. That’s why I’m doing my top and bottom 10 here.
Bottom’s up!
Top 10 Worst Enemies to Jump on
10. Piranha Plant
I know what you’re thinking. “How could a plant that literally tried to eat anyone above it be ranked lowest on this list?” Well, fun fact: they are weak little guys. They only have the strength to pop out for a second or so at a time before going back into their hermit holes. So with the right timing, these could actually be fun to just barely miss! But they’re still super likely to chomp on you, so onto the list they go.
9. Count Down (and his Ring-a-Dings)
You’d think that smashing snooze on an annoying alarm clock would be satisfying. Unfortunately, not with these bozos. First, look at that shape. You’d slip right off instead of having a satisfying stomp. Second, they fight as a group and not only cause status ailments, but cast powerful magic against you. The only reason they’re not higher on the list is that they are actually weak to jump attacks. If you meet them in a dark alley, hope that you can get the jump on them before he turns you into a mushroom.
8. Bramball
Getting an accurate jump on these guys is admittedly great, but if you aren’t great with precision, you’re in for a pretty bad time. Not only is the target small, but it’s constantly on the move, covering its vulnerable area. Giant spike wounds are 0/10, not recommended.
7. Fuzzies
Nobody knows what they’re made of or what dark thoughts exist behind those dead eyes. Love, hatred, lost, murder? One thing is for certain: if you jump on one of these, your pants are going to have a strange, dark, fuzzy stain. Explaining that away should be fun.
6. Mad Piano
You’d think that jumping on a piano would be great fun. In most cases, you’d probably be right. Unfortunately, in this case the piano would rather chomp you out of the air as a snack. Perhaps you should have finished your piano lessons, they probably covered this.
5. Fryguy
Look, even under normal circumstances, jumping into fire is gonna be a bad time. When the fire is sentient and wants to murder you by spitting out fireballs as well? No level of SPF is going to make that jump worth it.
4. Thwimp
Unlike Thwomp, which can sometimes be jumped on, this little dude cannot. Not only that, but despite what the name suggests, they boldly jump up at you as you try to get past them, often straight into your nethers. You’d better know where the nearest ER is.
3. Bomb-omb
You’re strolling down the street, and you see a walking Bomb. A Bomb that starts walking right towards you. What do you do? Jump on it obviously, what else would you do? Bad news, now it’s going to explode, and it’s your fault. How much is your liability accident deductible?
2. Chain Chomp
While they’re often portrayed as secured to a post, they will inevitably escape. If you try to jump on them, not only are you going to slip off of this metal doggo, but he’s going to bite you out of spite. Hope you have your tetanus shots up to date.
1. Boolossus
Imagine a Boo. Not that bad, right? Sure, you can’t jump on them without dying, but you can still run. Now imagine if they all ganged up on you as a giant ghost, and tried to jump on YOU. Nope.
Top 10 Best Enemies to Jump on
10. Goomba
You can’t go wrong with a classic. One jump ends their little meandering lives for good, and they aren’t too hard to target! Just don’t think about their families waiting for them at home.
9. Fuzzy
Somewhat of an honourable mention, as you technically don’t have to jump on them, but why wouldn’t you? These things are a blast, and need to be added to more games. Remember: Touch Fuzzy, Get D I Z Z Y
8. Chargin’ Chuck
These jerky jocks love doing one thing: smashing into you. Have you ever been to a football game where a bunch of fans just keep ramming into each other? Those are all Chucks. They have evolved a lot of head mush, so it takes a few good bonks to take them out, but it sure is satisfying when you get that last one in.
7. Coin Coffer
These little hoarders are a bit hard to find due to their ability to cast the 2nd Level Illusion spell Invisibility on themselves. The good news is if you can find and catch them with a quick stomp, you’ll be awarded with their riches. Congratulations, you’re an even more successful mugger!
6. Lakitu
Let’s face it: If you’re good enough to get above a Lakitu, you’re gonna be flying high for a while. While this smug jerk may act all friendly as your cameraman or race offical sometimes, don’t forget: his day job is throwing spiked eggs at you. Get some revenge, it will feel sweet.
5. Whomp
If you time it right, Whomps are great fun to jump on. With an obvious weak point, you can get a nice satisfying sound from them. Considering the bandage, they do seem to get hit there often. Which begs the question: are they just letting you stop them for kicks? UNGH.
4. Dry Bones
What’s better than a satisfying jump on an enemy? A great sound to accompany it. Dry Bones has an excellent Clatter to his skeleton falling apart, and the best part is he’ll get back up in a few moments for you to have another go! Your fun will last as long as these bones do.
3. Rex
Finding Rex at the beginning of your Dinosaur Land journey is one of the best rewards you get. Not only does he have a satisfying squash, but he keeps up the effort even in that state! This nets you an extra jump, or if you’re good enough, a quick double tap. What a good sport.
2. Wiggler
Wiggler almost takes the top spot here. Not only is he fun to jump on, but when he gets mad, you can bounce on him infinitely! The fun sadly stops as soon as you touch the ground and he finally gets you back for all of the repeated stomps. Nothing lasts forever, I suppose.
1. Banzai Bill
Not much in this world would make you feel cooler than landing on one William here. Not only is it a giant bullet that is SPECIFICALLY out to kill you, but if you can show your skill, it goes down in a single hit! Chain a few of these jumps together? Watch out, we’ve got a badass here.
