Well well well, aren’t you a curious one? Today we journey into the forgotten realms with a different sort of goal than slaying a dragon or exploring a dungeon – well maybe a certain kind of dungeon if you know what I mean? Today we determine which level 1 spells are the most titillating. Now before we begin let me answer a few questions you might have:
- Why not start with cantrips? Well that’s because the sexiest cantrip is obviously Sword Burst, and Vicious Mockery is not far behind if that’s what you’re into. Also there’s just more to sink our teeth into in level 1.
- Why only 50 spells? Because there are currently over 70 level 1 spells in Fifth Edition and no one wants to read about how Expeditious Retreat is sexy– it’s not sexy, consent is sexy.
- What spells didn’t make the cut? Not to get into all of them but any sort of armor is out. Armor of Agathys? I’m trying to get you outta that armor baby not add more.
So without further ado, gather ‘round, my horny adventurers, and let me teach you what I know in the ways of the most seductive of magics.
50: Sleep
Now while some of you may think this is too low on the list, unfortunately there’s nothing inherently sexy about sleep. While it often implies sex has occurred, such as when you say “I slept with that fair maiden with the large breasts,” or “Why won’t that beautiful dwarf sleep with me?” it doesn’t conjure up imaginative thoughts of the act. One must be awake to make love.
49: Animal Friendship
Now I don’t want to be a prude, but frankly, I don’t find laying down with animals to be my cup of tea. I also don’t judge and I understand some people may be into that sort of thing so I have included it on the list.
48: Charm Person
Now this one is interesting. Being charmed by a person can often lead to sex however I think the very clinical way the two words are put together kind of kills the mood for me.
47: Bane
Bane is defined as a cause of great distress or annoyance, and that’s not ideally what we’re looking for in the bedroom– though I know some people may be looking for a brat in the bedroom, and that sort of thing could turn you on. Or perhaps you’re just really into roleplaying as the Batman villain– as I’ve said before, we don’t judge here.
46: Create or Destroy Water
So the problem here is that this sounds like the least sexy way one could get their partner ‘wet,’ as it were. Or completely turn them off if you’re destroying it! You don’t want to hear your partner say “Yeah baby, are you creating water for me?” Yuck. Disgusting. Moving on.
45: Grease
Now don’t get me wrong here, moisture or lubrication of sorts are generally our friend in the bedroom. I just don’t think the word grease really works quite so well to arouse us. We are moving in the right direction though.
44: Witch Bolt
The word bolt I think is pretty sexy, but the word witch maybe not so much. It really just makes me think of old hags with gross faces who are not to be trusted. Not every witch is bringing the raw sexual energy you get from Nichole Kidman in Practical Magic– remember The Wicked Witch of the West? If she gets wet she melts, not what you want in the throws of lovemaking.
43: Silvery Barbs
Silvery is doing a lot of the work here, barbs however are not. Barbs are spikey and generally not what you want near your erogenous zones. That being said, the intended meaning of the phrase refers to a hurtful remark which some might find a little arousing. A little degradation can spice up the bedroom in some cases.
42: Searing Smite
Ooooh! Now we’re getting somewhere. This makes one think of a thrust from a lover, searing hot with passion. Truly a sultry spell, one that can really turn you on if you ponder its implication for too long.
41: Sanctuary
A sanctuary can be really sexy. Imagine a safe space where just you and your lover are sheltered and cared for, perfectly free to explore each other’s body, soul, and mind. This one is good for someone who isn’t turned on by danger, but instead comfort.
40: Inflict Wounds
Speaking of danger, oh boy! This one isn’t for the faint of heart, but rather for those who seek more adventurous and risky lovemaking. Whether you’re a pain slut or a sadist, Inflict Wounds has a lot of appeal for those into pain. However, it remains here at forty because not everyone may be so inclined to partake.
39: Ice Knife
Similar to Inflict Wounds, we have a spell here for those possibly into precarious play. Though this one may also just appeal to those into a little bit of temperature play. Sometimes you may want to add a bit of sheer cold to your warm bodies meeting in that special way.
38: Illusory Script
Now this one is interesting because on its own, illusory just refers to something that isn’t real, but when you add script to it, suddenly there’s another element. It’s giving sort of “love note” vibes, or even conjures an idea of magical sexting.
37: Heroism
In the words of Enrique Iglesias, “I can be your hero baby.” Need I say more? We all want someone to be our hero. What’s sexier than someone taking care of you and kissing away the pain, as it were?
36: Healing Word
Picking up right where we left off on the last one, sometimes after a long day you just want your partner to make you feel a little better. Sometimes you just want to hear a healing word from them– it can be that simple. As we’ve discovered a few times here, being cared for can be quite sexy.
35: Detect Magic
Sometimes what’s sexy is just understanding your partner. Figuring out their wants, their needs– their magic, perhaps? Now, you may be thinking I’m reading into this too much, but actually no, I’m not. You have to view these things abstractly sometimes to really understand them.
34: Goodberry
Now what is the clitoris if not a good berry of sorts? Or even the prostate? Need I say more?
33: Chaos Bolt
Oh yeah, sex isn’t always structured and easy to understand. Sometimes it’s just pure chaos baby, and what’s better than a bolt of pure sexual chaos? If you disagree, perhaps you need to spice things up yourself, like the Joker: you need to become an agent of chaos, and then fuck. Do you know what I mean?
32: Cause Fear
Now here we have another one that’s not for everyone, but hey, maybe you’re into fear? Perhaps you like to be a little scared of your lover? Or maybe you like to inspire it in those you lay with. Sometimes the size of one’s endowment can cause fear, and there’s nothing wrong with that either.
31: Catapult
A catapult can be very arousing. Think of its strong wooden presence, its magnificent size. Really a catapult contains many of the attributes some people look for in a lover. Don’t underestimate the raw sexual energy of the catapult.
30: Detect Good and Evil
Have you been a good girl? Have you been a bad boy? Not only do these questions contain a sensual use of alliteration, they can also make our hearts flutter and blood rush to certain erogenous parts of our bodies. Also, I would not behold these terms any “gender” as it were. I think any human being would feel a little something if they were referred to as a “good girl.” Don’t believe me? Try calling your cis male boyfriend a good girl and tell me he doesn’t blush a little.
29: Snare
There can be something very sexy about feeling snared or trapped by your lover, or even literally trapped. Of course we are talking about a safe way here friends. You don’t want to feel unsafe once you’re naked, covered in oil, and locked in a cage. I know this may sound a little too kinky for some of you and that’s okay, but either way, make sure to communicate, kids.
28: Comprehend Languages
Do you like to talk dirty? Well then I think this one really speaks for itself. I believe it was the great poet Jason Derulo who once said: “I’ve been around the world, don’t speak the language, but your booty don’t need explaining.” And while that’s true–your booty does not need to be explained–if your French lover asks you to get a little adventurous with their back passage, and you don’t know the French word for bussy, you may be in trouble.
27: Bless
Sometimes a sexual act can feel like a divine act, and wouldn’t we all want to be blessed by our partner as it were? Why do we say “bless you” when someone sneezes, instead of when our partner gives a leg-shaking orgasm? Think about that.
26: Color Spray
Now I feel like I don’t need to get too into the weeds with this one. I mean, you got the word spray right there. You modify spray with certain colors and it can take on a very sexual meaning.
25: Distort Value
Are you into degradation? You want your partner to break you down a bit before they build you back up (sexually speaking of course)? Or maybe you think less of yourself and want your partner to praise, worship, and overvalue you in this context. Perhaps you’ll find yourself distorting your partner’s value in one way or another later tonight.
24: Identify
Say my name, say my name. Destiny’s Child knew what was up in 1999 and they still do now. Identify is about more than just knowing your partner’s name: it’s about learning from sharing your bodies with one another. Knowing your partner in the most intimate way is a beautiful thing.
23: Cure Wounds
Not all wounds are physical– some can affect you on the inside. When your partner can cure those things that ail you, they become even more attractive do they not? When you come home from a long day of dealing with that bitch Deborah, and your partner starts kissing you all over, is that care, that attentiveness, not sexy as hell? Sometimes it’s sexy to just listen, too. Remember that.
22: Burning Hands
Ooh okay, we’re back on maybe a little temperature play here. Or perhaps a little impact play? A bit of hard spanking on your voluptuous ass can feel like burning hands. This one really can make your imagination run wild, which is why it comes in a little higher on the list.
21: Chromatic Orb
Chromatic Orb? What could that be? Some sort of pleasure toy to be inserted into various orifices? Could one call their breasts or their testicles chromatic orbs? Or perhaps we’ve discovered another extremely sexy nickname for the clitorus? Why don’t you tell me in the comments for a change? 😉
20: Absorb Elements
Don’t we all want our partner to absorb our elements? Don’t think about this one too hard, just feel it. Like you feel your partner’s elements enter you when you lay together and make beautiful love.
19: Divine Favor
See, this is like Bless but on a deeper level. Imagine giving your partner a passionate orgasm as a sort of divine favor, let it empower you or perhaps honor them. Maybe you view the joy of sex with them as a sort of divine favor. As Hozier says, “Take me to church”.
18: Fog Cloud
Look I feel like this is one I don’t have to over-explain to you. You want it hot, you want it steamy. What fits that description better than a fog cloud?
17: Unseen Servant
Oh yeah baby, this is a good one. Picture yourself blindfolded on your bed, your partner just going to work to please you fully and completely, like an unseen servant. If you aren’t already turned on I don’t even know why you’re still reading this list.
16: Disguise Self
Roleplay, anyone? Perhaps you wanna be a naughty nurse for your partner, or a strong, sweaty firefighter. Maybe you’ve tried it, maybe not, but disguising oneself can really spice things up for you and your partner, and we all deserve a little spice.
15: Arms of Hadar
Now this is the first one where I’m really going to invoke the context of the spell. You see, Arms of Hadar makes black tendrils emerge from the body of the caster. Soooo….. Ya know? Long black tendrils? Do I need to spell it for you little pervs?
14: Compelled Duel
What is sex if not a compelled duel of sorts between you and your partner? A sensual duel where you’re both the winner. You lock eyes and you’re immediately compelled to duel with your bodies until you’re both satisfied in that special way.
13: Find Familiar
We’ve talked a lot about ways to spice things up here, but perhaps a third party? Have you tried finding a familiar in a joint sexual conquest with your partner? Maybe you should give it a try, or maybe your partner is super not into that and will be very mad that you brought it up. Either way, it’s a pretty sexy idea, wouldn’t ya say?
12: Magic Missile
This may be the most straightforward one on the list. Magic Missile. Penis. You can use them interchangeably. If your partner has a penis and you call it a Magic Missile, your partner will hit that Goodberry every time, just like a Magic Missile.
11: Beast Bond
Shakespeare once called making love the beast with two backs, and I think that’s pretty hot. What’s hotter though? Beast Bond. When you make love, you’re bonding with that beautiful beast that is your partner. Together you bond into one beast, except unlike Othello there’s no tragedy here. Just two people getting it on, all nasty.
10: Hunter’s Mark
Leading off the top ten we have Hunter’s Mark, and frankly I’m already turned on just thinking about it. You, the hunter; your partner, the prey. You mark them, perhaps through some sort of roleplay, or literally with bodily fluids. Either way you got yourself a pretty titillating situation on your hands.
9: Guiding Bolt
Oooh boy! Guiding bolt? You kidding me? Is it hot in here or is it just Guiding Bolt? You could think of your partner coming at you with passion in their eyes as a Guiding Bolt, or perhaps your trouser snake is one. Either way, I think we can all agree we are getting to the creme of the crop here.
8: Ceremony
Sometimes you really want to set the scene, make a special evening out of it. Think about getting down with your partner not just as sex, but as a ceremony. We’re not gonna fuck, we’re gonna make love in a beautiful, sacred way. If you think about it this way, you may just unlock a new, more special sexual experience with your lover.
7: Earth Tremor
We’re kicking it up a notch. Have you ever felt the earth move upon achieving an orgasm? If so, I’m very jealous. This is what you want to strive for, when the act of sex gets to a whole other level. When you and your partner join together in such an impactful and fervent way that it feels like the earth itself tremors.
6: Entangle
This is when you’re so close to your partner it feels like their arms and perhaps their legs are all around you, and maybe they are? Moving all over your body, making you feel good in every possible place. Does that not do it for you? If you’re looking for a kinkier interpretation, maybe you’d like to be all tied up. Entangled more literally and at the mercy of your partner.
5. Dissonant Whispers
We’re taking dirty talk to a whole new level. There’s a reason Comprehend Languages is 28, and here we are at 5 with Dissonant Whispers. Sure, dissonant refers to things that lack harmony or are unusual, but so is the act of making love. When you’re in that incredible moment with your partner and you don’t know what to say, you just whisper in their ears whatever dissonant things may come to mind. There’s nothing wrong with that. Think about something unexpected a partner has whispered in your ear that aroused you, and then maybe share it in the comments if it’s not the most nasty dirty filthy thing you’ve ever heard. Or maybe do anyways, we’re all having fun here.
4: Longstrider
Just say it. Longstrider. You’re a little turned on now aren’t you? Have you ever referred to your partner as Longstrider? Or called yourself that? Give it a try, why not, life is short! You know what’s not? LONGSTRIDER. Fuck, it’s just so much fun to say! I don’t know if I’m gonna make it through the top 3.
3: Command
Oh yeah, Command me daddy! Tell me what to do, boss me around, make me your bitch! Whoa sorry about that folks! But come on, in all seriousness, I think a lot of us love when our partner takes charge in the bedroom. Or perhaps you exude that dominant energy that makes your partner swoon. A command can be extremely sexy both given and taken, and if you haven’t introduced a little bit of dom/sub play in your love life, you should give it a try.
2: Thunderous Smite
Oh fuck yeah! This list is starting to feel like edging now. Next time you’re lying with your partner and begin having passionate intense sex, and you’re about to have an explosive orgasm, just tell them to give you a Thunderous Smite. You will not regret it. I may take this time to reference another song, Crazy Town’s Butterfly, “I make your legs shake you make me go crazy.” That’s what comes to mind when I think of a Thunderous Smite. Just an insane leg-shaking, headboard-shattering orgasm.
1: Ensnaring Strike
Here we are, the sexiest sounding level 1 spell. I think it’s appropriate that this one builds on themes of earlier spells on this list. Because sex is not just one act or one arousing suggestion. It’s a beautiful combination, and it’s different for everyone. We’ve talked a lot about being trapped or tied up physically, being at your lover’s mercy while they pleasure you. About just being cared for or wrapped up on a deeper, more metaphorical level. I think Ensnaring Strike fills both those roles. Of course it’s not just about the ensnaring, it’s also about the strike. Lovemaking often consists of many strikes, whether that be penetration of some kind or the impact of a partner’s warm hand or a paddle with some filthy yet charming words carved into it. Whatever meaning you have for it, you’re already thinking of it now, and you’re already feeling it in your loins. Ensnaring Strike just hits different, and if it does hit, you must make a strength saving throw or be restrained by magical vines until the spell ends.
Well, that’s it. The 50 sexiest level 1 spells. If you’d like me to do this again for level 2 spells then make sure you share this list with all your dungeon daddies and the horniest bards you know. Feel free to comment with your favorites or tell me I was wrong and how you’re mad Tasha’s Hideous Laughter didn’t make the list. (Even though you’d be dumb to think so, I mean come on it has hideous in the name.)
