YOUR HOMETOWN — Sources have confirmed that, despite the Left’s attempts to force “representation” and “equality” into everything, there will be no female characters shoehorned into your upcoming funeral.
“Oh, he died?” a female acquaintance of yours will reportedly say shortly after your untimely demise. “That’s so … I mean, of course it’s sad, I guess. He was always kind of … well, I didn’t want him to die. But I don’t, I mean, I can’t … work has just been crazy busy lately, you know?”
Upon the announcement of your future, long-time fans of the series will be afraid that it will be another lame DEI-fest made to pander to childless feminists who don’t even like funerals. But the fandom will rejoice when the full cast list is revealed, confirming that not a single woman will be affected by the fact that you have ceased to exist.
“I’m glad we can give the fans what they want. And I guess it’s what he would’ve wanted to,” funeral director Sherman White, one of the few men who will attend, will explain. “No female friends, no relatives. No lovers, but that part was easy. I’m even giving my female employees the day off, just to make sure there are no women in the building when it happens. I know how everyone in this hobby is sick of forced diversity. I want to be sure my business is taken seriously.”
While the internet is going to go wild about how great your anti-woke funeral will be, the funeral parlor will almost bow down to corporate pressure before going through with the proceedings.
“I’ll be honest, I really thought we couldn’t pull it off at first,” White will admit. “Almost woman-free, sure, but what about his mother? She’d pretty much have to be there, and she’s kind of a woman, right? Fortunately, it all worked out in the end when she told me she wouldn’t attend. I guess she needed to mourn in her own personal way. Or just didn’t want to be there. Didn’t seem right to ask. She’s a grieving mother, for God’s sake.”
At press time, your funeral is currently scheduled for a November release.
So, you’re looking to make more money? Do you think you deserve it? Are you sure? You better be, or you’ve already failed. Let’s walk through a few tactics you can employ to get yourself that healthy 20% raise you’re looking for. We’ll discuss confidence, negotiating, and timing out your boss’s movements so you can parry his attacks and do massive damage when he leaves an opening.
Preparation
It’s important to go into this as ready as you can be. Make sure you know exactly what you want to say and how to handle your boss in case they mix it up with some unexpected abilities or weapons. You have to know you deserve this raise and how much you’re worth ahead of time and you have to anticipate what they might say to throw you off. Bring with you some quick wits, health potions, and if you have time to explore Old Gregor Strombringer’s tomb, bring with you the Cursed Sword of the Baphomet.
Start Strong and Don’t Relent
It’s important to get off to a good start with this type of negotiation. They say never be the first one to speak, and that’s usually true. It’s possible to get in some quick jabs while they’re monologuing or going on about cutbacks in the company’s budget. Nothing gets an encounter off on the right foot like dealing some early damage on your foe.
If you do choose to speak first, just make sure you lay out how crucial you are to the company and how it’s important to you that the company shows they appreciate you with appropriate compensation. And if they refuse, counter by you’ll splitting your boss in two and taking their legendary armor hidden in a chest in their office.
Anticipate Tense Negotiation
Your boss may tell you things like, “We’re all a family here,” or, “My employees are more like friends than anything else,” but these are distractions and lies. Stay focused: your boss is your enemy here and possibly again two or three more times later in your career, bigger and scarier, and possibly with wings or big scary horns and fangs.
They may counter with a number smaller than you had in mind or worse, they may not want to give you a raise at all. Worst case scenario, they’ll move into their second phase and possibly introduce an aerial threat or minions of some sort into the fight.
You have to stay on your toes and be prepared to counter back with evidence why you’re right and they’re wrong. Try and stagger them with your words so you can move in and get some big combos on them. If you’re lucky, you can just cheese them and beat that raise out of them without breaking a sweat.
The Big Finish
You’re almost there just keep the pressure on ‘em! Don’t relent. If they tell you they need some time to think about it, they’re lying. They’re just trying to buy them some time to pound a couple health potions or put up some sort of dome shield around themselves to block your attacks. Keep hitting them and try to maximize your damage output. You don’t leave that office until you’re making a king’s ransom or your boss lies dead beneath your feet.
You’ve timed their animations. You’ve studied all their moves. You’ve almost bled them completely dry. For every time they cut you with a, “No,” or an, “I need to talk it over with the board,” you hit them with a slice of your very big cursed sword. Really go to town on ‘em, they’ll give you what you want or die.
Success!
Congratulations! If you’ve followed this guide correctly, you’ve either gotten that sweet 20% raise you set out for when you started reading this, or you’ve seized the means of destruction and defeated your boss in combat. Either way it’s a victory for you. Just remember to get that sick loot and watch out for any of your bosses remaining lackeys who may be bold enough to demand a raise themselves.
Stay tuned for our next guide, where we’ll discuss how to stop harassment in the workplace with violent retribution!
LONDON — During a livestream from their headquarters in London, the five remaining members of the development team for Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League announced that the next season of the live service game would be themed around fan-favorite Warner Bros. film Coyote vs. Acme.
“After the successful mid-July launch of our winter-themed season, we’re thrilled to bring Wile E. Coyote and…Acme? I guess?…to the ongoing adventures of the Squad,” said Bill Parker, the only remaining writer for the game. “I have to say, this tie-in means a lot to me personally. Coyote vs. Acme is a movie that really changed my outlook on writing and made me realize that I, too, could vanish into thin air if it gave somebody a tax break.”
The fact that Coyote vs. Acme was never released and has only ever been shown to a handful of people did not seem to deter the Rocksteady crew.
“Fans are going to be thrilled when they see what’s in this season’s battle pass. Harley Quinn will get a t-shirt that says ‘Acme’, King Shark will get a t-shirt that says ‘Coyote’, and…um…Captain Boomerang will get a t-shirt that says ‘Coyote AND Acme’,” said remaining 3D artist Joe Philadelphia. “And of course, you’ll get to meet the newest member of the Squad, Will Forte. He does all of the things the other squad members do — shoot a gun, jump around — but he says lots of quips while doing it. Well, I mean, the other characters do that too, but his quips will be more like…um…”
“Oh, and you’ll get to fight the Flash again. He’ll be orange this time. Like a desert. Because Wile E. Coyote lives in a desert,” added Philadelphia right before the stream abruptly ended.
Fans took to Reddit to voice their frustration with the announcement.
“How dare Rocksteady add Will Forte as a character before they’ve even added Poison Ivy or Deathstroke,” posted user SuSquaBoi10319, “We want you to ruin more DC villains before you bring in guest characters. And why were all of the developers so nervous and sweaty for the whole livestream? And why was one of them holding up a little sign that said ‘Please help us’?”
Shortly after the livestream, David Zaslav ominously tweeted a single laughing emoji.
Nowadays, Hulk Hogan is considered a mediocre, overhyped, delusional, racist hasbeen, but due to his selfless behavior in my showing of “Gremlins 2: The New Batch,” he will always be a hero to me.
When Hulk appears in the news these days, it is to spout a constant stream of easily debunked lies. Whether it’s saying that Elvis was his biggest fan despite being dead before Hulk debuted, allegedly turning down offers to join both Metallica and the Rolling Stones, or saying that he worked 400 days a year because he did so much international travel.
In 1990, my parents decided to move to suburban Livingston right at the end of second grade and I didn’t have time to make friends. Summer came and the Jewish Community Center’s Day Camp was abuzz about “Gremlins 2: The New Batch.” I had taped the original off Channel 11, and after seeing how depressed I was, my father relented and agreed to take me to the movie on my birthday since I didn’t have any friends to celebrate with.
We were enjoying the movie from the balcony of the Millburn Cinemas, when sound became warped and the film started flickering! The film burned and it was just a white screen. We had no idea what to do. Gremlins appeared on the screen and started doing shadow puppets. Even then I knew Gremlins weren’t real, (and for the record, I know wrestling’s fake too), but we figured it was either disgruntled workers or somehow prankster teens in the projection booth. My dad sent me to get an usher. I looked around, and no one was in the lobby. I went back up the stairs, I heard Hulk Hogan’s unmistakable voice, and by the time I got back to my row, the crowd was cheering and the movie was back! I asked Dad what happened and he said some bald blond guy got them to start the movie up again. Wow! Impressive move from a man who uses racial slurs as foreplay! That’s when I knew Hulk Hogan was a true hero! For the rest of the movie, I peeked over the railing to see if I could spot the man who took time away from ratting out unionizing wrestlers to come to Central Jersey to save our movie experience!
I figured he would be swarmed outside the theater, but since we stayed to watch Daffy Duck’s hilarious commentary over the credits, we must have missed him leaving.
Eventually I made friends and one day we ended up watching “Gremlins 2,” and there was a break in the VHS version too! But it was completely different, with TV static, news clips, a bible epic, and John Wayne fighting cowboy gremlins. I tried to explain the scenario I witnessed, but they didn’t believe me.
Over the years, whenever I see Hulk Hogan, whether on a reality show creeping on his own daughter or being Peter Thiel’s pawn to dismantle freedom of the press, he always holds a special place in my heart. I just wish he was there in 2007 when I saw Grindhouse to find out why my theater had a scene missing.
WASHINGTON — The Phantom Thieves of Hearts, a group of teenage vigilantes operating in the Metaverse, have successfully defeated President Biden’s Shadow Self and convinced him to drop out of the upcoming election, sources confirm.
“This was a surprisingly difficult Palace,” said Joker, the group’s leader. “I thought we were going to be in and out. There didn’t seem to be much going on inside, but it took forever to clear it. We were right up against the deadline. I was a little worried that he wouldn’t understand the calling card, but I guess Jill helped him with that. I just hope his replacement is romance-able.”
President Biden was both relieved by the defeat of his Shadow Self and horrified by his previous actions.
“Holy cow, Jack. Why was I still in this race?” said President Biden. “I mean, I know it was my own corrupt thoughts manifesting themselves within the Metaverse and clouding my decisions, but c’mon, man. I didn’t realize how much malarkey was building up in my head. I almost let that alley cat win the election—and I’m not talking about Morgana. I’m glad the Phantom Thieves helped me out and made it clear that it was time for me to pass the baton.”
At press time, Joker was reportedly on a departing train when he thought he caught a glimpse of Hunter Biden standing on the platform.
I haven’t written as many columns about “bullet heaven” games as I could have. Almost as soon as Vampire Survivors hit it big, other studios started making variations on its theme. By now, there’s a new game in VS’s lane every couple of weeks; I play a lot of them; and to my surprise, many of them turn out to be pretty good. They’re meant to be cheap, repetitive, and challenging, and most of the developers who’re making these games seem to understand the assignment.
I mentioned thisa few weeks ago, but one of the things that fascinates me about the bullet heaven genre is that nobody seems interested in simply cloning Vampire Survivors. The closest anyone’s come might be HoloCure, and even it has a couple of unique features like its farming minigame. Most other bullet heaven games seem to treat VS like a useful starting point, then go off in their own direction.
In Earl vs. the Mutants, that direction is ‘80s grindhouse movies. I’ve described it to a couple of people as a Tremors sequel whereBurt Gummer joined Twisted Metal. (Alternatively, it’s a game in which you’re the Hell that’s coming to Frogtown.) You’re a blue-collar guy who works as a post-apocalyptic exterminator, which means you’re taking on armies from behind the wheel of your personal killdozer.
On each map, Earl enters play with a tricked-out car and goes up against waves of enemies, from mad cultists to toxic zombies to giant fish-people. If you can survive for 10 minutes, you confront the local mutant warlord, who enters play in their own customized murder-mobile.
There was a period in the late ‘90s where it seemed like a lot of Western game developers all watched Death Race 2000 at the same time, which led to the creation of “vehicular action” games like Twisted Metal, Carmageddon, and Vigilante 8. Earl vs. the Mutants hearkens back to that. It offers a couple of different control schemes, but you’re still driving a car, so you have to take acceleration, cornering, momentum, and local topography into account. It gives Earl a unique difficulty curve.
Early in a run, Earl is a roadkill simulator, as driving over a mutant does more reliable damage than any of your weapons. As you go, you’re gradually awarded better guns and drones that ramp up your damage output. Smashing into mutants never goes out of style, but it quickly takes a backseat to auto-targeted shotguns or a full-auto grenade launcher.
Having said that, I had a hard time with the first half-hour of Earl vs. the Mutants, as there’s a real disconnect between what it wants you to do and what’s actually viable. Most of the available cars in the game are actually pretty fragile at the start of a run. You can rack up a quick body count by doing donuts in the middle of an oncoming mob, but you’ll take enough stray melee hits in the process that it’s rarely worth the risk. The safer play is to use hit-and-run tactics, level up, and collect defensive bonuses until no single mutant can do much more than scratch your paint.
Once I figured that out, I had a lot more fun with Earl, but immediately ran into a second problem: it’s really short. Granted, it’s $7, but at time of writing, it’s only got 1 character, 4 cars, 3 maps, and 3 levels of difficulty. Even by comparison to other bullet heaven games, which tend to have simple and repetitive core loops, you run out of new things to do in a hurry.
Earl vs. the Mutants has potential, but feels like an early draft of itself. With some post-launch support, it could turn into something special. For right now, it’s a cheap way to get your vehicular homicide fix, but it’s hard to imagine playing it past the 4-hour mark.
—
Death Must Die, admittedly, is old news. It came out last November in Steam Early Access and quickly got a small cult following. Personally, I bounced off of it, as it gets off to a slow start; your first character is a slow-moving knight with a boring game plan.
I picked DMD back up in the last couple of weeks and found out that I’d given up about 15 minutes early. If you stick it out with Default Sword Guy for a couple of runs, you unlock 5 more characters, most of whom are more entertaining than he is.
In DMD, the god of Death has gone out of control. Instead of taking people at their appointed time, he’s started killing them for the sheer fun of it. As a result, mortals make regular pilgrimages to the isolated High Mount, from which they can travel to Death’s home and confront him directly. No one has survived the trip.
Now, Death’s finally gotten the other gods to the point where they’re willing to oppose him directly. You play DMD as a party of six adventurers who’ve all come to the High Mount for their own reasons, and then discover they have divine backup. WIth the help of the gods, one of the 6 might be the hero who finally kills death.
DMD is essentially a dungeon crawler with no dungeon. Each run drops you into a flat plane with a small army of incoming monsters, where you can mow them down for experience and gold.
Each boss you take down gives you currency for permanent character upgrades, while you can find or buy equipment that further improves your stats. At each new level, you can select a boon from one of 3 gods, which gives you powerful new abilities that last for the rest of that particular run.
DMD’s primary mechanic during combat is that your dash, which recharges quickly and offers a short invincibility window. It lets you create some space and dodge past enemies’ attacks, which is just useful at first and rapidly becomes critical. By the time you reach the second boss, your mastery of the dash is most of what keeps you alive.
There’s no point in DMD at which you accumulate enough firepower where you don’t have to pay attention. Even if you luck into a really good early build, you still have to dodge incoming attacks or you’ll end up smeared across the landscape. It’s like Diablo on fast-forward, and it’s surprisingly successful.
I’d only say “surprisingly” because DMD feels too complicated by half. It’s got the “too many stats” issue that frequently crops up with number-crunchy action-RPGs, where it’s difficult to tell at a glance whether a new piece of gear or passive ability is actually a meaningful upgrade. You eventually get a feel for which stats actually matter, but you could ditch or consolidate half of these modifiers/powers and lose nothing.
Just the same, DMD manages to capture some of the flavor from two separate, addictive genres. It’s hard to put down once you start, and the characters’ individual upgrade trees introduce enough variability that they all end up feeling usefully different.
If there’s a commonality between DMD and Earl vs. the Mutants, it’s about how both games treat a dire situation like it’s another day at the office. DMD’sstory sounds like an existential crisis in the making, but nobody’s taking it that seriously. The game’s mood does a 180 after you unlock your second character, Merris, who’s just happy to be here, and the next few unlocks continue that general theme.
I wouldn’t go as far as to call DMD a parody, but I got a lot of laughs out of various characters’ absolute refusal to engage with the sort of story they’re in. Imagine a typical Soulslike, but after the first hour, everybody went to therapy.
Death Must Die has a vague roadmap at time of writing that might see it leave Early Access around the end of the year. It’s got a few issues it could stand to sort out, but if it manages to stick the landing, DMD could be the next great bullet heaven game.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif — Google has confirmed thatthe ability to fast-travel between locations in certain states will soon be arriving on the devices of Google One Subscribers.
“We’re so incredibly excited about Google Fast Travel, and we can’t wait to share it with our more dedicated users,” says Stephen Knight, Director of Research and Development at Google Maps. “Starting August 1, all of our Google One subscribers will be able to access the fast-travel feature from within the Google Maps app, like with any other mode of transportation. However, users should note that in order to make space for the Fast Travel option, we did have to do away with walking directions altogether.”
One Google One subscriber and Google Fast Travel beta tester Jasper Evans posted to social media to go over their praise, as well as criticism, of the new feature.
“The service is great for the most part. It’s completely free with the subscription, which is awesome,” said Evans. “The Fast Travel isn’t always instant, but Google was sure to include some fun loading animations for users to rest in while waiting to arrive. Plus there’s the mobs. Every time you Fast Travel, there’s a 35% chance that a horde of enemies will spawn nearby. At first it was kind of a fun challenge, but now it’s more obnoxious than anything.”
When asked what lies in store for the future of Google Fast Travel, Project Lead Miranda Davis was eager to share.
“There are a lot of updates we’re really hoping to implement once the feature has the chance to take off,” explains Davis, “And we’ve already received a lot of feedback from our users! One thing people really want to see, it seems, is the ability to Fast Travel while engaged in combat. While this is certainly something we’d like to explore eventually, it’s probably a long way off. For now, we really want to focus on adding helpful tips to display over loading animations. Oh and we’re going to expand mob spawning. We want our more hardcore users to have the option to Fast Travel into the middle of nowhere, like a state park or something, and just go ballistic on waves and waves of enemies, nothing but mountain air between you and say 300 zombies or so. That’s what Google Maps envisions for the future.”
At press time, Google is reportedly planning on when they will make the feature obsolete.
WASHINGTON — Amidst increasing calls for Joe Biden to end his reelection bid over concerns for his fitness for office, Vice President Kamala Harris offered during a meeting with Democrats to test Biden’s mental acuity by having him play “a simple little maze game”.
“A lot of people are saying very harsh things about Joe,” said Kamala in a press release. “They say he’s too old to be President. Too senile. Frail. They say they don’t like his stupid face. The way he breathes. His nauseating old person smell that makes you want to throw up in your mouth. How he stubbornly refuses to step down from candidacy and let someone else take the lead even when that someone else is polling higher than him. His hideous dull blue eye, like a vulture. What was I saying? Oh yeah. Having him play this simple little maze game would be a perfect way to see if he is still the same Joe we put our faith in four years ago.”
The majority of democrats, especially millennials, agree with Kamala’s proposal.
“If Biden really wants to prove to the country that he is still mentally fit for the job then he should play the absolutely totally normal, simple maze game that Harris has proposed. That would be best for all involved,” said Todd Gak, a young democrat from Philadelphia.
Harris explained how playing the game would help ease the minds of democrats.
“Passing will show that he still possesses the proper concentration skills and mental faculties to be president. Easy as that. There is absolutely nothing in this game that will shock or otherwise cause any undue stress on his eighty-one year old heart. Nothing bad will happen to him, but in the slightest chance something does, I assure you I am ready and able to take on the responsibility of being the new Democratic candidate.”
Biden has agreed to play the maze game, assuring Democrats in a press conference that he is still fit to be president.
“If solving a maze is what I have to do to put all this naysaying behind me then I’m willing to do it,” said Biden in an official statement. “Vice President Trump has never led me wrong before. I’ll kill that damn minotaur.”
At press time, Biden was reportedly seen being led by Harris into a dark room to play the game.
NEW YORK — Local gamer Ashton Keith is demanding that stairs be nerfed after he was once again left completely out of breath after climbing up a small staircase
“This is just completely ridiculous at this point, they’re way too OP,” exclaimed Keith as he struggled for breath in a TikTok. “I’m a fairly in shape guy, I do crunches all the time when I drop my controller and have to pick it up and my cardio has always been great. I’m famous for lasting the longest out of my whole friend group in gaming sessions, I can go 8 hours straight without getting tired. But every time I have to climb some stairs I get really winded very quickly. Something needs to be done about this, the stairs are simply not tuned well.”
Architect Marcus Anthony commented on the TikTok, explaining the difficulty of developing stairs for such a wide variety of players.
“It’s one of the most difficult things to get the tuning right for. You need to design them in such a way that makes them achievable to anyone regardless of skill level or character archetype but at the same time you still want there to be a challenge. Unfortunately this means that some classes will have more difficulty than others. The Couch Potato class is gonna struggle more than the Healthy Adult class and that’s just the way it is unless they go out of there class to invest in some vitality and endurance stats”
Keith’s roommate Floyd claims that the stairs are fine the way they are and Keith simply needs to get good.
“It really is a skill issue. Our apartment is on the second floor, it’s not a big flight of stairs. There’s a really fat guy who lives on the 5th floor that never complains about the stairs.
I’ve never seen Ash exercise since we became roommates eight years ago and his idea of healthy food is putting peppers on pizza. There are some days where I swear he doesn’t even get up out of his chair. He’ll be playing a single player with bloodshot eyes and roll his chair over to get a Mountain Dew. He says pausing is for the weak, meanwhile he needs to take a break to get up one flight of stairs”
At press time, Keith has vowed that if the stairs won’t be nerfed then he will simply leave his apartment less.
WASHINGTON D.C. — Fans of asymmetrical multiplayer games as well as autocratic theocracies are clambering to play the Heritage Foundation’s long-awaited and highly controversial asymmetrical multiplayer shooter ‘Project 2025’ which is all but assured to release in November.
“Everybody knew the game was in development hell for a while,” said ‘Dead by Daylight’ streamer Kyle Neeman, “but now it seems like the pieces are finally falling into place. I remember having a blast with the Alpha when it dropped back in January of 2021 but nobody thought it would reach this stage of development!”
“Like other games of the asymmetrical multiplayer shooter genre, ‘Project 2025’ will allow you to play on one of two teams with varying gameplay abilities,” explained lead gameplay designer Dale White. “The MAGA team will be equipped with automatic rifles while the liberal team writes strongly worded press statements denouncing their actions on the news. The liberal team is equipped with exciting abilities such as pointing out hypocrisy, or expounding on the importance of ethical behavior. Meanwhile the MAGA team can fire their weapons without consequences. Victory is obtained when all members of the liberal team are systematically imprisoned or executed.”
Other game developers have suggested that the game’s core mechanics are a bit derivative.
“It’s infuriating to see everyone talk about ‘Project 2025’ like it’s a revolution in the genre when its roots are so obvious,” said a rival game developer who wished to stay anonymous to avoid hurting the feelings of any Project 2025 devs. “There was this little-known asymmetrical shooter from 1923 called ‘Weimar Republic’ that really paved the way for the genre. Similar to ‘Project 2025’, the goal was for one team to use rhetoric and bureaucratic abilities to slow down the other team who would then respond by shooting them as fast as they could. It’s hard to not see the influence in ‘Dead by Daylight’ where one team does basic maintenance work while the killer hacks them all to pieces.”
At press time, gamers all across social media are preparing for the release of the game whether they’re looking forward to it or not.
