MILWAUKEE — Gamer Annette Hutchinson has been seated at her local dive for hours sending signals to other bar patrons that she’s seriously interested in someone coming over and talking with her about Elden Ring lore.
“I didn’t get all dressed up and come out to this bar for nothing,” tweeted Annette in frustration. “I have been playing Elden Ring nonstop for days and I absolutely need to talk with somebody about it. I mean I made sure to wear my finest Elden Bling and I gotta say I’m winning the fashion souls at this bar. I’ve been sitting here making eye contact and smiling at people, just waiting for someone to come up and ask me why I think Marika shattered the Elden Ring so I can explain my theory that it wasn’t just because of Godwyn’s assassination on the Night of the Black Knives but because she was actually trying to break the influence of the Greater Will, but they just keep hitting on me.”
Other patrons of the establishment took to social media to voice their frustration about the “confusing girl” sitting at the bar.
“This hot girl is throwing signals my way so I went over,” said Zachary Gunn, there to play darts with his friends. “I hit my best pick up lines but this girl is just talking nonsense. She mentioned something about fate being guided by the stars so at first I thought she was really into astrology, but then she went on about all these different gods and ancient giants and being touched by grace. When she started talking about how a person’s soul was located in their asshole I excused myself and went back to playing darts. I think she was trying to convert me to a cult or something.”
Unfortunately for Annette, it seemed there weren’t any people in the bar who had even played Elden Ring, let alone held the same appreciation for its opaque world building. Except for one.
“I told my friends it would work,” said Ernest Golby, who caught Annette’s attention by wearing a black t-shirt with the words try finger but hole custom-printed on the front. “Nobody believed me. They all said this shirt was embarrassing and that it was gonna turn away anyone who might be interested, but I don’t want any attention from casuals. I came out here to talk about dragons starting a cult to trick people into committing a genocide, and it looks like tonight’s my night.”
At press time, Ernest and Annette are still seated at the bar, loudly theorizing the implications the item description for a loincloth had on their greater understanding of the lore.
TUCSON, Ariz. — Details in newly unearthed home videos seem to imply a larger, shared traumatic universe within the Pappas family, gaslit sources reveal.
“I haven’t looked at this stuff since I was a teenager,” said Jack Pappas, 34, who digitized dozens of VHS tapes while cleaning out his mother’s basement. “I thought I had a pretty normal childhood, but on repeat viewing I’m not so sure. Eagle eyed Pappas fans will note, for instance, that my mother’s bedroom door was closed during my seventh birthday party and my party balloons were gray, references of course to my mother’s undiagnosed clinical depression, an issue which I’m happy to say is now canon.”
Family historian and oldest cousin Angie Pappas-Baxter has begun cataloging the Easter Eggs in daily emails which nobody reads.
“I haven’t had this much fun since I did all that Ancestry.com stuff a while back to win an argument with one of my racist uncles,” said Pappas-Baxter. “But thanks to Jack, I can see details in these old movies that intrigue me. Grandpa’s hands used to shake a lot whenever our dog barked, which we kids thought was funny, but now I can just about make out his army uniform hanging in the coat closet. Really makes you wonder what he got up to off-screen.”
Clara Pappas, mother of Jack, refused to look at the videos and disagreed with the trauma-informed analysis suggested by other members of the family.
“I don’t know what my son is talking about. Things at home were perfectly normal and nice. Sure, we had some ups and downs, like everybody else. In my day we just got through those things. Even when the dog got struck by lightning on the Fourth of July after Mom died in that car fire and Bud got drafted – we didn’t complain. None of my eleven siblings ever even thought about going to therapy, so how bad could it have been? The younger generation are just complainers.”
At press time, sources indicate that Grandpa Pappas’ story would be continued in a standalone rewatch of Band of Brothers.
WASHINGTON— After the terrible violence seen against former president Donald Trump at his rally in Pennsylvania, his camp are considering their next steps and sources have confirmed his chief advisor suggested they parade Trump’s ear around Washington.
The suggestion came from Trump’s Hand of the King, Otto Hightower, who was tasked with coming up with a way to use the horrid event for political gain. Hightower has been one of Trump’s most trusted allies for years. Advising him on many political decisions and even ruling in his stead when he was busy playing golf in Mar-a-Lago. While not confirmed, it is believed that Hightower’s shrewd political cunning was behind the decision to send Ron DeSantis to the Wall to join the Night’s Watch.
“We have to strike now and we have to strike effectively,” Hightower was heard saying to Trump in a closed small council meeting. “Trump’s mutilated ear must be paraded through the streets of the nation’s capital so the small folk can see the horrors perpetrated by the false president, Joseph Biden, second of his name. Every second we don’t act our enemies gain more power. It matters not whether this heinous act was ordered by Biden or not so long as the people believe it was.”
In a press conference held at an undisclosed golf course Trump seemingly confirmed the plan to have his ear paraded around for the people to see.
“I had the best right ear you’d ever seen, let me tell you,” Trump said. “Very sad what happened to me. No doubt this was ordered by the coward Sleepy Joe Biden as a way to make me look weak, but I’m not weak, not me. Many people are saying that I couldn’t be stronger than I am right now. Even with my poor ear looking like this. Everyone is gonna see my ear and folks you’re not gonna believe how incredible this ear is even now, let me tell you. Even after being shot by that loser gunman nobody has a better ear than me.”
At press time, Trump was rumored to be conspiring with Lord Commander of his Kings Guard, Ser Kid Rock, to send Scott Baio under cover into Biden’s camp on a secret retaliation attempt.
On Monday, former president Donald Trump selected Senator J. D. Vance as his running mate for the 2024 presidential election. The controversial author-turned-politician already has a significant national profile. Here’s everything you need to know about the Ohio native.
He Is a Sly Cooper Cosplay Enthusiast
Trump has been involved in his fair share of criminal misadventures and was reportedly looking for a running mate who was familiar with that world. In Vance, Trump has identified a partner who not only understands it, he lives it every day of his life.
He Is the Redneck That Jeff Foxworthy Is Talking About
Foxworthy’s famous “You Might Be a Redneck” jokes were directly inspired by J. D. Vance. He has done all of those things.
He Has Flip-Flopped on Important Issues
Though Vance has vociferously spoken out against “replacement,” he seemingly has no issue with replacing Mike Pence as Trump’s vice president.
He Would Be the First Vice President to Wear a T-Shirt in a Swimming Pool
He says he’s concerned about exposure to UV rays, but refuses to comment when asked followup questions about the water shoes and nose plugs.
He Possesses the Byakugan Eye
Okay, maybe not literally, but there’s definitely some anime bullshit going on with those things. If he were at that Trump rally, the would-be assassin would have been caught long before he was able to get off a shot.
He Is Capable of Recognizing Pain in People Around Him
He then sells that pain to enrich himself.
Vance Is Pro-Choice
He thinks all Vice Presidents should be allowed to choose which votes count.
He Is Travel-Sized
Trump hopes to save on travel costs by stowing him in Air Force One’s overhead compartment. He reportedly fits perfectly into Melania’s handbag.
We Cannot Show You His Gamertag
Printing his username even a single time would do irreparable harm to the website.
Vance Converted to Catholicism
Though raised as a Protestant, Vance says he vastly prefers the Roman church’s organized, authoritarian approach to child abuse.
He Has Never Been Heard Saying the Word “Appalachian”
He’s written it, certainly. But any time he is prompted to speak it, he simply says, “those big ol’ mountains down yonder way, I tells ya.”
He Has Been Misrepresented by the Media
Some journalists have accused Vance of flip-flopping by accepting his spot on the ticket, as he once referred to Trump as, “America’s Hitler.” He claims that they are ignoring his long-standing admiration of the German dictator.
He Supports a Strong Administrative State
Vance has implied that he would use the Department of Justice to target political opponents and journalists, including anyone who tries to investigate the time he reportedly shit his pants in math class while he was in high school.
Vance Claims to Be Against Big Tech
His criticism about the industry’s lack of foresight may be accurate, as tech companies remain among his largest donors.
He Has Beef With RFK, Jr.
Vance has criticized the third party candidate for being unable to sustain even a single brain worm, saying that his own cerebrum is currently nourishing a large colony.
He Is a Climate Change Denier
He has been quoted as saying, “If the planet was getting warmer, why would I grow this luxurious, masculine beard?”
He Can Fit Nearly a Dozen Billiards Balls in His Cheeks
While his current record is only 11, he is reportedly training to attempt the “full baker’s” later this year.
MILWAUKEE— The GOP filled out its ticket on Monday when Donald Trump named his running mate for 2024: White Male Preset 3.
“We’re very happy with this pick from the former president,” said an 82 year old ghoul who appeared to be a senator from Kentucky. “After Donald was almost taken from us on Saturday it was important we get back on schedule for destroying democracy this November. This VP pick is a good sign things will be back to normal soon.”
Trump’s former VP, White Male Preset 4 (old), does not seem too upset about not being picked to run again with 45, seemingly still a little peeved from that time the former president was encouraging his supporters to hang him.
“Look, I love Donald, I really do,” the former Vice President said while laying his head in his wife’s lap. “But he put my family in danger on January 6th and frankly I just don’t have it in me anymore. Being Trump’s VP is a young man’s game. Especially now that bullets are flying, mother and I have to do what’s best for us and get back to forcing gay youths into conversion therapy and then denying we were ever involved.”
Donald Trump seemed unconcerned about his former Vice President, instead focusing on his excitement for the future with Preset 3.
“Look at this guy, now that’s a vice president. I call him Vicey Val or Vicey Vince? What’s your name again? Doesn’t matter, Beardy McViceface,” Donald Trump said while bleeding profusely from the ear. That’s my guy. I picked him. It was all me, no one knows how to pick a vice president like me folks. Poor Sleepy Joe could never pick someone so American and so Vice Presidential. It’s very sad.”
Reportedly, Trump wanted to pick the AR-15 as his running mate, but decided against it after a recent dispute.
FLOYDS KNOBS, Ind. — The Hallow Medical Center is exploring a revolutionary new therapy for video game addiction after a recovering ‘Terraria’ player was approved for treatment, sources confirm.
“It’s been a long journey, but I’m beyond grateful to have made it to this point,” said patient Betsy Rellik. “It used to be that I couldn’t look at anything thicker than a piece of paper without feeling Chilled to my core. Yesterday though, I managed to hold a Rubix cube for five minutes straight.”
“I’m honestly ashamed I let myself get sucked into all of this,” continued Betsy. “One last update, they kept telling me. One last batch of content. One more round of bug fixes. Every time I walked away, ‘Terraria’ pulled me back in.”
As dozens of similar cases emerged over the past decade, private clinics have struggled with the surge in demand as well as a lack of consensus regarding proper care.
“We’ve had to tinker a lot with the treatment program,” explained a practitioner who identified herself as Nurse Lisa. “We used to stuff patients in this place called the Heart Shrine, but that had to be removed. Hell, I know one place up the road that got shut down for making dolls of their patients and throwing them into an oven. Burn ward had a field day with that one.”
“Still, now we’ve got a system in place that we’ve proven to work. Holding three-dimensional objects, watching movies with those red and cyan glasses, and for our bravest patients, several uninterrupted hours on the Nintendo 3DS. Sure, the 3D’s broken on it right now, but that’s probably for the best. We don’t want them thinking that all 3D experiences induce headaches.”
Even with cutting edge medical care, there are concerns at both the increase in cases, as well as the complex variation that may defy any ‘one treatment suits all’ solution.
“Sadly, this is a growing occurrence among the ‘Terraria’ community,” explained Dr. Drake Mire. “It all starts the same. Booting up the game, a promise to only play for a few minutes, and three days later your eyes are looking like Cthulhu’s and you’re double checking every snowman outside your house for firearms.”
“Not everyone develops a fear of the three-dimensional,” Dr. Mire continued. “Some veer the opposite way: nurturing an obsession with the flat. Shoving their furniture against the back wall, traveling solely along the X and Y axis, and acting like a real ‘dolphin out of water.’ One patient, some landlord prick, transformed a spacious two-bedroom into eighteen airtight coffins, claiming that it was, ‘valid housing.’”
At press time, Hallow Medical Center expressed gratitude for a recent seven-figure donation from Mojang Studios.
WASHINGTON — Multiple sources have confirmed that Master Xehanort, wielder of the No Name, has actually had his return rejected after trying to claim thirteen versions of himself as dependents.
“When I looked at Mister Xehanort’s 1040 form I noticed a few discrepancies,” said IRS agent, Tom Grouch, “First of all he claims to be self-employed with the job title of ‘Seeker of Darkness.’ I’m not even sure what that means. He tried to write off something called the ‘Replica Program’ as a business expense, and worst of all he’s claiming all these ‘vessels’ as dependents.”
Grouch noted that he struggled to make sense of the famed keyblade master’s tax forms, saying that the more answers he searched for, the more questions arose.
“Mr. Xehanort explained to me that these thirteen individuals all carry part of his heart and therefore they are like his children. However, he provided no evidence that he actually provides for these people, most of whom appear to be adults. A couple of them actually share his name, but when I asked if they were his children, Mr. Xehanort shook his head and told me one was his younger self and one was a boy he possessed who later severed his own heart to create two more of these individuals. It was at this point I started to suspect Mr. Xehanort may be up to something nefarious here.”
While Xehanort himself refused many outlets’ requests for comments, claiming he was too busy trying to forge the 𝑥-blade, one member of his Organization XIII weighed in.
“I don’t know what the old coot was even thinking. Did he really think that tax scheme was gonna work? As if,” chortled the one-eyed Xigbar while talking to reporters on the streets of The World That Never Was. “Tax fraud is a young man’s game anyways. But, hey, what do I know? It’d be different if I had a keyblade. Seems like it would be easy to unlock pretty much any jail cell with one of those. While we’re on the subject, if I were to engage in kidnapping, attempted murder, and child endangerment while working directly under the orders of my superiors, I’m in the clear, right?”
As of press time, Agent Grouch was seen sporting a new look of silvery white hair and bright orange eyes. He announced that the IRS had made a mistake and Mr. Xehanort is a model citizen who will be receiving his full refund.
PENNSYLVANIA — An Imperial Stormtrooper was seen fleeing the scene after Donald Trump was rushed off stage during a rally in Pennsylvania.
Trump was in the middle of a rally when shots were heard and the former president was swarmed by Secret Service agents. Eyewitnesses on the scene reported seeing a man in an Imperial Stormtrooper outfit amongst the crowd and then later fleeing the scene on a Joben T-85 speeder bike.
“Trump was in the middle of talking about how the only thing that could improve his chances of being elected was if he were to become some kind of martyr-like figure, and then the shots rang out,” Gene Polkaski, a Trump supporter said. “It’s not unusual to hear gunfire at a Trump rally, but usually it’s directed at chemtrails.”
Sheev Palpatine claimed no knowledge of the attack or any involvement of the Galactic Empire.
“I assure you the Empire has nothing to do with this and if a stormtrooper was involved then they were a rogue agent. clearly a traitor working with the rebellion. Trump is a dear friend of mine, I wish him a speedy recovery and have no doubt he will come out of this stronger and ready to take down rebel scum”
President Biden, urged to act quickly by his staff, scheduled an emergency press conference to immediately follow his evening nap and single scoop of ice cream, in order to calm the public, and disparage the actions of whoever tried to kill the shooter.
“This is obviously a very serious situation that President Biden needs to discuss with the American people, but he really needs the afternoon nap, trust me, you do not want to deal with him if he misses that one,” Chief of Staff Jeffrey Zients told the press. “Once the President has had his rest, and only after, will he address the public. He’s the only man who can do this job, so don’t even act like now is the time to take decisive action and put someone in his place who doesn’t get winded from talking. The President needs his 14 hours, and that’s that.”
At press time a group of MAGA supporters were erecting an impromptu memorial to the spot where Trump was shot.
Starting with 2002’s Harmony of Dissonance, several of the Castlevania games on Game Boy Advance and Nintendo DS let you unlock a “boss rush” mode as a post-game extra. The details changed between entries, but the general idea was to slap together the most overpowered character build possible and take on all the toughest enemies in the game in a row. Ideally, you’d do it without slowing down.
Dragon is Dead, now available in Steam Early Access, feels like one of those boss rush modes got extended into a full game. Like Dragon Ruins, it strips down an established genre to some of its most basic elements; unlike that game, Dragon is Dead then grabs a few new mechanics and builds itself back up. There’s a lot of Dead Cells in here with some of Diablo’s loot systems and the everything-is-utterly-screwed apocalypse vibe of a typical Soulslike, all run through a Castlevania filter.
In Dragon is Dead, the last of the great dragons, Guernian, has gone evil. As a result, armies of monsters have spread across the countryside, and many of the great institutions of humanity have been corrupted into Guernian’s service.
You enter the battle as a Successor, who can’t stay dead as long as there are demons left to fight. Your job is to punch through everything between you and Guernian, then take him down.
(I think that’s the story, anyway. For some reason, Dragon is Dead delivers all of its exposition through sudden five-minute lore bombs whenever you reach certain points on the map. It can go for two hours without trying to expand its world, then suddenly blast you in the face with the ol’ verbal firehose. I like goofy video game lore and I still ended up a little lost.)
Dragon is Dead leaves a strong first impression. From the moment you boot it up, it features some of the best pixel art I’ve seen in a game for quite some time. It’s fluid, imaginative, and somehow manages to stay visually interesting, despite being set in a procession of gray-and-brown corridors. There’s some real thematic resonance in how you’re often the most colorful thing in the game, because you’ve gone into some haunted graveyard or recent battlefield to kill everything inside with lightning.
At the same time, this game is out to cancel your birthday. Dragon is Dead is a challenge from the start, where every little mistake can compound into something that’ll end your run.
Each room along your journey is full of monsters that are designed to surprise you, with attacks that stretch further or track you better than you’d think they would. You’ve got a double-jump and a dodge move with some surprisingly forgiving invincibility frames, but healing’s initially scarce.
The boss fights are a particular highlight, once you can stay alive long enough to appreciate them. Each one feels like it could function as the final encounter of a game, with multiple attack patterns, angles of approach, and the occasional good old-fashioned cheap hit from nowhere.
That turns the first couple of hours of Dragon is Dead into a slow, grueling process of learning the ropes. You’re trying to inch through each screen as efficiently as possible while assembling a viable character build (when in doubt, get more lightning magic), until you manage to reach the next boss. Then the goal shifts into getting there with enough resources in reserve to actually start learning the fight.
When you die, Dragon is Dead returns you to the first room in the game, with any gear you’ve found, but without your gold, skills, artifacts, and character levels. Everything you’ve been through up to that point gets reset. You aren’t quite starting from flat zero, but it’s close.
That does create a unique frustration. If you’re stuck on any particular boss in Dragon is Dead, you have to run through everything up to it before you can try again. Every run is an iron man challenge. It reminds me of trying to do one-credit clears of old arcade and console games.
That being said, Dragon is Dead does gradually dole out upgrades and bonuses at a reasonable clip as you get further into the game. Your reward for killing the first boss, for example, is access to an alchemist in the starting village who can upgrade your health potions. Dragon is Dead still has a few major hurdles, like how the fourth boss has maybe eight times the health of the third for no apparent reason, but you do make progress.
Naturally, Dragon is Dead is still in Early Access, so most of its systems are subject to change. The developers are already ironing a few issues out, such as rolling some stats together for simplicity’s sake and giving you extra anti-air options.
If I had to point out one serious problem that isn’t mentioned in the upcoming patch notes, it’s that it’s easy to get “stunlocked” in Dragon is Dead. You don’t get any particular invincibility windows or knockback when you take a hit, so several bosses can combo you to death in one move. Even when you’re a good distance into the game, with a decent health pool and legendary equipment, it’s possible to take the wrong hit at the wrong time and die on the spot. It doesn’t feel like it’s intended behavior.
For the time being, Dragon is Dead has an old-school flair to it that kept me playing. It’s addictive in the same way as a lot of the bonus modes in Castlevania used to be, and once you get to a point where you can consistently stomp the first boss, it really opens up. There’s a lot of Early Access weirdness baked into Dragon is Dead at the moment, but with time and work, this could turn into a classic.
SAN FRANCISCO — Gamers are heartbroken after early development concept art for the widely hated fourth entry of the popular game series Soulblade leaked online showing off a much better game than what was actually released.
Soulblade IV: Bloodflow was widely panned by fans of the series for abandoning the story of the previous games and moving the series in a completely different direction. The concept art shows a game much more aligned with what fans wanted.
“It’s clear based on these images that the fourth entry would have focused on the aftermath of the third game’s ending rather than completely ignore and undo it,” said series fan Jacob Heller on Twitter. “These images are awesome, they’re dark and disturbed like Soulblade is supposed to be, not that bright cel-shaded bullcrap they made just to appeal to normies.”
One of the most severe backlashes that Bloodflow faced was the redesign of protagonist Raphael and antagonist Mephisto but the concept art shows they were originally going to more closely resemble their iconic looks.
“Look at these images side by side. Look how overcomplicated they made Raph compared to this nice simple approach they were originally going to do. How could they think what they did was good? It’s character assassination. Don’t even get me started on how they massacred Mephisto. The concept art shows the most badass thing I’ve ever seen and in the final game, they made him look like an English professor. I hope they shut down,” said user RaphxMeph on the Soulblade subreddit
Mark Boyle, one of the lead developers of Bloodflow was interviewed about the leaked concept art and gave insight into their design decisions.
“The initial pitch for the game was an entry that would not only resolve the story beats of the last three entries but tie it all together cleanly while expanding on fan-favorite elements from the original games,” explained Boyle. “We knew that fans would love it but we also were aware that a lot of the fandom became quite unruly and demanding so we decided to stick it to them with this new direction. It was to send a message really. And the higher-ups at the publisher were very pleased with the layoffs they could justify after the poor sales.”
At press time, the studio released a statement online defending the game and telling fans to look forward to the new direction of the franchise. The statement was viciously ratioed.
