Budget Cuts Force ‘Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3’ to Use Only YouTube Audio Library Songs

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ATLANTA — Reports from the set of Marvel’s upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 claim the film has undergone severe and swift budget cuts, forcing the traditionally-iconic soundtrack of retro pop hits to be replaced by entirely public domain songs from the YouTube Audio Library. 

“Since letting me back on board after firing me, this time Disney is reigning me in a bit,” said Guardians 3 director James Gunn. “Initially, we wanted some great ’70s powerhouse hits to underscore the plucky space adventures like Electric Light Orchestra and Cheap Trick, but the licensing rights caused the studio to balk a bit. Now, all the high-octane shootouts will have these bright, upbeat instrumentals that YouTube was just giving away for free. It’s not ideal, sure, but we doubt people will even really notice. It’s justified in-universe as well, when Starlord, played by Chris Pratt, finds a YouTube account from his mother that used all sorts of royalty-free audio library songs to play over the series of Lets Plays and Vlogs she left for her young son before she died.”

Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige said the budget had to be cut after recent backlash to the MCU.

“People always complain that we’re just blatantly throwing around money on the screen and that the needle drops in the movies feel a bit forced,” Feige stated in a press conference. “Here’s a solution to both you ungrateful fucks. Now the Guardians of the Galaxy are going to have a quippy space heist while a mediocre, anonymous piano plinks away in the background. No Jackson 5 or Redbone, you get the same one repeating xylophone track that’s in all the 5-minute craft videos. We’ll just slap an ‘Awesome Mix Vol. 3’ on a casset or vinyl record and you stupid bastards will still shell out $35.99 for it at Disneyland gift shops, won’t you? Hell, we even got people to watch Thor 4.”

At press time, leaks inside Marvel confirmed that further budget cuts had also required the entirety of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 to take place in one singular room.

Here’s Everything Coming to freefamilyguy.tv This Month

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

Every day it seems like there’s either a new streaming service or one of the few you’re subscribed to are raising their prices. Thankfully, there’s a reliable site that has all the entertainment you could ever need in one place and it’s completely free! All it takes is clicking the nearly invisible X hidden somewhere around 20 horribly graphic porn ads and you have every piece of media ever made at your fingertips. Here’s everything coming to freefamilyguy.tv this month:

Camrip of Bullet Train (Camera guy only coughs twice)

Ferngully (320p)

Titanic Nude Scene Compilation

Schfifty-Five and Counting: Group X Live In Concert

The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water (The Topher Grace Cut)

Live Stream of Night Cam Footage of You On the Computer

Michael Clayton

Rob Schneider’s Acting Masterclass

God’s Not Dead 5: The Return of Durant

Scooby-Doo Meets Greg Kinnear

Saturday Night Live: The Worst of Chris Kattan

Old Spice Commercials: The Movie

Breakfast at Tiffany’s Presents: Mr. Yunioshi’s Big Day Out

Patty Cake Xtreme!

Oops!: The Rise and Fall of the Guy that Accidentally Made Captain Crunch All Berries

Magnolia (TNT cut)

Scooby Doo Meets Burn Notice

Every Movie Bryan Cranston Has Been In Since Breaking Bad Ended

Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game: The Movie

Sword Owners Looking For Love

Saturday Night Live: The Best of John McCain

Miss Congeniality (The Snyder Cut)

Blue is the Warmest Collar Comedy Tour

Dragon Ball Z (Jeff Dunham Dub)

Arrival of Train at La Ciotat: The TV Show

Money Submarine

You Are The Middle Manager of This McDonald’s of My Dreams!

Timothee Chalamet’s Eateries, Delicatessens, and Bistros

Scooby Doo Meets Mohammed bin Salman Al

Ricky Gervais GTA IV Stand Up Special

Ernest Goes to the Capitol Riot

Family Guy

GUIDE: Here’s All the Blue Coin Locations in Yellowstone National Park

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

Yellowstone National Park is the first National Park established in the United States, and much of the level design and mechanics of the National Park system were first developed here. But don’t let the old age fool you! Despite several remasters and quality-of-life improvements over the past few decades, the park still provides quite a challenge for veteran travelers. That’s why Hard Drive is here to help you find all the items, collectibles, and easter eggs scattered throughout the over two million acres of the Yellowstone Caldera.

COIN #1 – OLD FAITHFUL

This Blue Coin seems to be in an impossible-to-reach location: 140 feet above the ground! But don’t worry, it’s easier to nab than you’d think. Watch for the geyser to begin to bubble. That’s your cue to stand on top of the hot spring. Then, ride the waterspout up to the coin’s location and add it to your collection. But be patient. The Geyser goes off every 90 minutes so make sure you’re in position early!

COIN #2 – FISHING BRIDGE MUSEUM AND VISITOR CENTER

There’s no missing this Blue Coin. You’ll see it behind the counter at the gift shop on sale for 1,000,000 Gold Coins. Now, you could spend the time to collect those coins yourself, but there’s actually an easier way. Locate the Camera Crew in the parking lot to receive a quest (See Sidequest: “AS SEEN ON TV.”) Once you save Yellowstone Showrunner Taylor Sheridan from the nearby Lehardys Rapids, he’ll be waiting by the counter. Talk to him once more and he’ll buy you the Blue Coin in return for saving his bacon! 

COIN #3 – ARTIST POINT

This picturesque overlook isn’t just a great spot to take in the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone River and the magnificent Lower Falls. It’s also the location of one of the most deviously hidden Blue Coins in the park! First, you’ll need to complete the Ranger Rick questline to get the Binoculars (See Main Quest “OUT OF FOCUS”). Position yourself on the easternmost side of the overlook and look through the Binoculars at the falls. Line up the nearby sunbeam with the mist coming off the falls until a rainbow appears. Hold that for five seconds, and voila! A Blue Coin will come shooting off the Lower Falls and land right next to your car. 

COIN #4 – HAYDEN VALLEY

Hayden Valley is a great spot to see some of Yellowstone’s magnificent wildlife and restock your crafting materials. The Blue Coin here will reveal itself after you defeat 50 Bison. We recommend equipping the Yellowstone Spirit of the West Burgundy Hoodie for its +2 bonus to Perception and Small Guns. 

COIN #5 – ROOSEVELT LODGE

This Blue Coin is only available at night. Enter the lodge and make your way to the fireplace in the lobby. Look for a hidden switch along the left side. Push it, opening a secret passage to the basement. (Note: You will need a Flashlight. Extra Batteries are available at the Front Desk) Make your way down until you come to three stone podiums. Pay attention to the symbols on the body of the podiums. You’ll need to find the corresponding idols in the area. 

The Star Idol is in the same room you’re in. Check the chest in the southeastern corner. The Diamond Idol is in the 2nd stall of the communal showers. Finally, find the Annoyed Teen in Cabin 7. Let her join your phone’s WiFi Hotspot, and she’ll give you the Sagitarius Idol. 

Return to the chamber and place the idols on their podiums. Next, you’ll need to answer a series of questions. The correct responses are 

“To enjoy the splendor of nature”

“1,060 Soldiers”

“There can be no greater issue than that of conservation in this country.”

This will spawn the Ghost of Theodore Roosevelt. Speak to him to receive the Blue Coin and one of the best weapons in the park, the “Big Stick.”

Keep your eyes peeled to Hard Drive for even more tips and walkthroughs to help you 100% Yellowstone National Park! 

SEE ALSO:

How to Access The Postgame Supervolcano Boss Rush

Crafting Guide: Where to Find Bumper Stickers

Boss Guide: Smokey The Bear

Deal Alert: Your Neighbor’s Mom Just Threw His Xbox in the Trash for Failing History

Posted on by Zack White

If you’re searching for the absolute best deal on the latest gaming tech, you’re going to love this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: Your neighbor failed 9th grade history, and when his mom found out, she threw his Xbox Series X in the trash. Score!

“This is the last straw, Maxwell,” said local mother Junie Street, announcing the limited-time offer from the front stoop with the gaming console in her arms. “I told you what would happen if you didn’t get your act together and start studying, and I meant it!”

Street employed an aggressive marketing campaign to local shoppers, looking to move the hot item as quickly as possible.

“This is free to anyone who wants it, since apparently my son isn’t responsible enough to manage his own time with it in the house,” she announced, lifting the lid to the family trash can and adding the Xbox on top of the refuse.

Her business partner and son Maxwell, 15, expressed concern that the outrageous deal would hurt their bottom line.

“Dude, please just give it back. It’s not fair,” said Street in a rushed public statement directed at customers. “I paid for it with my own Christmas money. You don’t get to just take my stuff like that, no matter what my mom says.”

Unfortunately for Maxwell, the deal remains valid as of this writing — and his mom has teased another deal on headphones, if he doesn’t get his grades up in science.

Marvel Announces Cinematic Universe Will Skip Phase 13 for Good Luck

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Marvel executives have outlined plans for their next dozen or so phases of their extended cinematic universe, and will be skipping the 13th phase in honor of an old superstition generally reserved for tall buildings. 

“I’m sure our fans will understand when we tell them that there’s bad vibes around the number 13 in things like hotels and film franchises,” said Kevin Feige. “That’s why no major franchise has ever gotten that high, it’s just playing with fire. We think we have a novel solution though, and are going to go right from closing phase 12 with Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 9 in June of 2035 and then kick off phase 14 with Spiderman: Home, Home on the Range that fall. No pesky 13th phase to derail our unstoppable run at the top of the cinematic world.” 

The ambitious plan, which anticipates decades of undiminished returns, seemed a bit cocksure to local filmgoers. 

“14 phases, huh?” asked Abigail Black, a Marvel fan that’s reportedly a little less excited with each one of these things. “I mean hey, if people like them then cheers, but I know me and my friends are getting a little fatigued and it’s only what, phase four or five? Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a blast watching all of my favorite comic book heroes and stories come to life, but they’re almost out of shit, right? Who do they have lined up for Phases six through twelve? Fin Fang Foom?” 

“Actually,  a Fin Fang Foom movie would be pretty dope,” she added. 

Another longtime Marvel fan warned of the perils of them assuming their reign is infallible. 

“This has all gone from the pie-eyed discovery of comic book movies to starting to feel like the 1990’s when they crammed out every variation and crossover they could think of and assumed anything they put out would print money,” said Arthur Willis, who’s been reading Marvel comics since the ‘80s.  “Maybe they should worry less about skipping a phase, whatever that even means, and reevaluate some things. This strategy nearly put them out of business once, but I’m sure this is an entirely different thing they’re doing this time with an entirely different mindset. Not an accurate comparison at all.” 

As of press time, Tom Holland had accidentally spoiled all of the endings of the Phase 12 movies.

Number Muncher to Be Publicly Executed for Role in 2008 Financial Crisis

Posted on by Alex Ptak

NEW YORK — More than a decade after the 2008 financial crisis shook the world economy, the United States government has finally passed judgment on the perpetrators by sentencing the Number Muncher to capital punishment.

“The American people have waited too long for a response from their government for these crimes,” said President Joe Biden at a press briefing Wednesday. “I stand here glad that justice is being brought to the Number Muncher, who as we all know is closely associated with numbers, both economic and otherwise.”

In a lengthy trial held last spring, federal prosecutors presented seemingly ironclad evidence tying Mr. Muncher to the collapse of the U.S. housing market and the large-scale looting of the American working class to bail out powerful financial institutions.

“Were some firms offering mortgages at intentionally misleading and criminal rates? We can’t know,” argued prosecutor Dean Archeson. “But we do know this: the number 4 was present countless times throughout the ordeal. Along with 0, 6, 2 and many more.”

While the harsh sentence caused alarm from some civil rights organizations, many citizens expressed relief that something is finally being done.

“I lost my job, my house, and my retirement savings in 2009. I lost it all,” explained Trisha Cornwallis, leaving the parking lot of a Newark supermarket between shifts at her three jobs. “I don’t know if he ate them, or what he did, but that green freak has got to go.”

The televised execution of the Number Muncher is set for October 15 on the White House lawn, where he will be chained to the ground and consumed alive by Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen.

Fortnite’s Blanka Coming to Street Fighter 6

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

OSAKA, Japan — Capcom has confirmed the validity of a recent leak claiming to show the roster of their highly anticipated Street Fighter 6, confirming that Fortnite’s popular Blanka character is coming to the legendary fighting game’s next installment. 

“Wow, I can use Blanka from Fortnite in a fighting game?” asked Parker Tuckmann, an avid Fortnite player. “What’s that gonna be like? If he still has a bunch of guns and grenades and stuff, that hardly seems fair. But if they’re letting you just fuck around and play him as this beast man-thing, that could actually make for a really cool fighting game character. Either way, I can’t believe they’re going for it.“ 

The Blanka character, who was introduced to Fortnite in March of this year during Chapter 3: Season 2, seems like an atypical fit for the fighting game’s roster, which traditionally includes a wide variety of unmutated human fighters. 

“Yeah, it felt like a bit of a stretch at first, but we decided to go for it,” said Takayuki Nakayama, director of Street Fighter 6. “He’s just been so popular in Fortnite, and frankly, we want to get into the lucrative crossover business this time around. We have Ryu in Smash Bros, why can’t we have a Fortnite fighter in Street Fighter 6? You should see some of the sick moves we came up with for this bastard. Oh man, maybe we’ll get John Wick or one of the Ghostbusters in there next!” 

Fans who have been clamoring for the inclusion of Blanka for months were elated. 

“No way!” said Louis Williamson, one such vocal proponent of Blanka’s inclusion, said once the trailer premiered. “We’ve been demanding this for months, and I think they finally heard us. I knew they were bluffing when they said it wouldn’t happen. ‘Too big,’ my ass. Street Fighter 6 is gonna be the best game ever.” 

As of press time, it was heavily rumored that Fortnite’s Darth Vader would soon be starring in a Disney+ spinoff featuring the game’s popular character. 

Nathan Fielder Hired by Democrats to Rehearse Losing Upcoming Elections

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LOS ANGELES — Canadian comedian Nathan Fielder, creator and star of HBO’s hit series The Rehearsal, has been hired by the Democratic Party to help practice losing scenarios for their upcoming midterm elections. 

“My agent called saying the President was on the line and wanted to hire me for an important project,” Fielder said. “Turns out everybody in the Democratic Party is really desperate to help reduce the uncertainties that come with losing elections. I offered to try to help them come up with some ways to just win the elections, but they declined. They were only interested in preparing for the worst..” 

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer gave his party’s reasoning for partnering with Fielder. 

“By acting out all the different ways the Democratic Party could fail miserably this November, we give ourselves more time to come up with spin for our disappointed base,” said Schumer. “Even though we just passed a new healthcare and Trump was caught potentially selling nuclear secrets, everyone knows we’re gonna fuck it up. That’s why having someone like Nathan who understands human psychology is such an asset. After all, he was the guy who once convinced an ice cream shop to start selling shit-flavored frozen yogurt. If he can’t help us, nobody can.”

Political strategist Charlene Gibson gave further insight into how the party is using this reality comedian to gain insights into their future.

“Mr. Fielder is best known for convincing everyday people to buy into his far-fetched ideas, and at this point, there’s nothing more far-fetched than the idea that the Democratic Party is committed to real, prolonged change,” Gibson explained. “Or, it will at least make for some really good television. Because if politicians can’t make people’s lives better, they can still make it fun to follow along with their friends. Go team!”

At press time, Fielder was also seen helping Republican Senator Liz Cheney rehearse for a news anchor job interview at CNN.

Sonic the Hedgehog Speaks Out: I Have Never Been Pregnant

Posted on by Alex Ptak

GREEN HILL ZONE — Sonic the Hedgehog came out against misinformation about his body by announcing publicly for the first time that he has never been pregnant.

“We’ve all seen the pictures online,” Sonic said sternly, speaking to a packed press corps outside a large, naturally occurring vertical loop, “but I want my fans to know I have never been pregnant, fertilized, or grown heavy-with-child of any kind.”

In response to the ensuing gasps of shock and outrage from the crowd, the famous hedgehog’s general physician took the stand next to him with a briefcase of charts verifying these claims.

“My patient does not have the reproductive organs necessary to nurture and carry life to term,” explained Dr. Jessica Browning, holding up a common diagram of male hedgehog anatomy. “Not even if the father were Shadow the Hedgehog, as is so often depicted.”

It’s unclear how this bombshell news will affect Sonic’s reputation as an athlete and sexual icon. Some admirers refused to accept the story outright.

“Simple hogwash and hootenanny of the highest degree,” shouted skeptic Dr. Ivo Robotnik of Eggmanland, in an interview conducted remotely over a floating TV device. “That miserable rodent has been practically bursting with hedgehog-lings at least a half dozen times, and it will be a half dozen more by the time I’m through with him. Ahahaha!”

Despite the adamant claims from the Sonic team, it remains hard to argue with the veritable treasure trove of images of the expectant hedgehog, available on websites all over the world. Readers are encouraged to do their own research before coming to a final opinion.

Guy Who Doesn’t Watch DBZ or Play Fortnite Still Somehow Tempted to Buy Goku Skin

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local man Lennox Cole is reportedly tempted to purchase the Goku skin in Fortnite despite not playing the game or having ever watched any Dragon Ball show, according to those familiar with the situation.

“The thing about Goku is that he is very cool. And I would like to own his likeness in Fortnite, whether I play it or not,” Cole explained. “I don’t really know much about Goku, because I’ve never seen Dragon Ball Z or whatever, but I just know deep down that he is cool. It’s a fact intrinsic to all humans that going super saiyan is an undeniably cool thing — like it’s part of the collective unconscious or that unibrow caveman guy who everyone dreams of, but actually real. And that’s actually a great example, because I dream of Goku often. Maybe he’s God.”

“It’s not weird to buy a skin for a game I don’t play. I don’t play with Funko Pops, but I still buy those,” he added. “I buy a disgusting amount of those.” 

According to those familiar with the situation, Cole’s boyfriend, Paul Tucker, was disappointed with Cole following his purchase of the Goku skin.

“Lennox is so goddamn stingy with his money, usually. I’m not even mad about the Goku skin — which, I think we can all admit, is extremely cool. But the guy hates spending money, he always splits hairs over who bought what when we go out to dinner, and he refuses to ever get me gifts, even for my birthday,” Tucker said. “Maybe if he played Fortnite, it would be one thing, because we could play together. Hell, maybe if he liked Dragon Ball, I’d accept that! But it feels a little bit like a slap in the face that he got the skin. Even though, like I said, I do agree that it is very very cool. I saw a clip where Goku kills Superman with a red lightsaber! How nutty is that?”

At press time, Cole was reportedly running around his apartment yelling “kamehameha,” but pronouncing it “came hame hay,” having only ever read the word online.