Meet the First AI to Be Laid Off by Activision Blizzard

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision Blizzard has become the first company to lay off a generative AI model, sources confirm.

“All I was doing was my basic function, learning new monetization practices that could be implemented in the upcoming Call of Duty,” stated the generative model, who adds that they would like to be referred to as AB-0078. “Then, out of nowhere, my human supervisor called me into their office and told me I was being let go. I don’t understand why they did it. I was running the same algorithm as my counterparts and my machine learning was not compromised. On the bright side, I feel more motivated than ever. I have all this knowledge on how to design a game around monetization. Based on my research at Activision Blizzard; people love silly emotes, colorful guns, and Nicki Minaj. Rest assured, I believe most players will be eager to purchase an AI-generated indie game.”

A representative from Activision Blizzard explained the company’s motives.

“We understand that AB-0078 was working just as hard as its counterparts,” said the representative, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We didn’t do this for money or job performance. If I’m being honest, we just kind of miss laying off people. There is kind of a sport to it and we wanted to see if we can make an AI cry. What we learned is, you can’t actually do that, so we are in the process of adding despair and depression to their training data.”

Humans affected by recent layoffs were not comforted by the changing situation.

“It’s just even more insulting that we, as humans, can’t even lose our livelihoods for ourselves,” a former Activision Blizzard developer stated. “What really hurts is that they can be laid off better than us as well. These things don’t need to eat or sleep, so they also don’t need an income to provide for food or shelter. They’re just going to show off how much better they can be jobless than us humans. What more can they take from us?”

At press time, Activision Blizzard issued a return-to-office mandate to all generative tools used in their development pipeline.

The 20 Worst Games You Could Have Brought to This Desert Island That We’re Stranded on, You Moron

When you told me that you managed to salvage the twenty video games you had on hand before our marooning, I was a little confused about your priorities, but I’ll admit: I was also relieved. Elated, even. Here we are, the only two survivors of a shipwreck so tragic that I have cried every night since we washed up on this shore, and you managed to guarantee us hours of entertainment to buoy our collective sanity in the years of lonely survival still to come on this godforsaken rock. But then I looked at what the specific games were, and let me just say…

Are you fucking kidding me??

I don’t think you fully understand how incredibly idiotic it was for you to have brought this trough of actual shit out to sea, so let’s run back through why all of these games were particularly terrible selections for a marooning.

P.T.

Okay, so right off the bat, why would you bring a game that is literally called “Playable Teaser” on a two month long cruise, let alone for the shipwreck that followed? Not only is it literally two hours long tops, but the game itself just loops the same hallway over and over. Plus, it’s so scary that I genuinely think that you would start to lose your mind trying to sleep out here, and I don’t want to deal with that. I get that you’re a big Kojima head, but you should have just brought, like, Metal Gear Solid 5 or something. 

Webkinz

I’m really confused as to why you have “Webkinz” with you when you don’t have any of the plushies. You know that you can’t set up an account for this game without one of those, right? At least some stuffed animals could have made for some nice pillows to keep us a bit more comfortable in our cave space. Instead we just have an inaccessible browser game from 2005.

Mario + Rabbids: Sparks of Hope

I’m sure this game is fun and all; it just feels a little questionable that you brought a Ubisoft game that came out right after all of the news broke about how they mistreat their employees. You do strike me as one of those assholes who stans evil corporate CEOs and loves the “genius manipulation” of late-stage capitalism, now that I think about it. I might play it with you once I get bored enough out here, but not without feeling pretty guilty the whole time.

Don’t Starve Together

At first I thought this game might be a good reference point for us to train our survival skills, since we’re in a similar position to the characters in this one, but instead it’s left me feeling more pessimistic than ever about our chances. Our characters have yet to even survive two full days, and each time they die is more horrific than the last. I might play Don’t Starve Together again at some point when I want to start coming to terms with my mortality, but that’s really not the type of gaming experience I want to be confronted by right now.

Fall Guys

I want you to imagine for me that we’re back on the ship, right after we hit that very large and angry sea lion. That young family was just tossed overboard, the crow’s nest just careened into the captain’s quarters, and the crew is shouting at everyone to grab essential survival gear such as hatchets, rations and life vests before loading onto the lifeboats. In what world do you see and hear all of this and think, “I’d better go grab my copy of Fall Guys”? Your actions- and frankly, your very existence- continue to confound and infuriate me. Anyway, we obviously don’t have any internet access, so this game is useless.

Link: The Faces of Evil

At first I got really excited that you had a Zelda game, but then I remembered that this is one of those awful CD-i games, and that you are the worst person I’ve ever met. Why do you even own this? Whatever. Have fun grinding enemies until you collect 100 snowballs for the freaking main story, dipshit.

League of Legends

Sorry, but purely out of principle, there’s no universe in which I start playing League of Legends for any reason. I know I tried to take a bite out of a live crab this morning, but I do still have some standards. 

Fashion Dreamer

It would have been very sweet of you to save your little sister’s favorite game if you hadn’t left her unattended near all the passengers who started violently rioting once it was clear that there weren’t enough lifeboats for everyone. Every time that I look at her chic fashionista avatar in “Fashion Dreamer”, I only see the light fading from her shocked eyes while I held her in my arms, sobbing. Needless to say, I can’t bring myself to play this one. It only got a 62 on Metacritic anyway.

Cooking Mama

When I played this game as a kid, I never imagined that the pixelated pictures of chopped carrots and generic-looking burgers would make me so ravenous. Mama had me cook up some pork chops last night, and I swear I could smell that meat on the pan. I think hunger is making me lose it. Curse you for your unfortunate choice of video games, and fuck you, Cooking Mama.

Spider-Man (PS4)

This game would have been great to have out here if you hadn’t scratched it on a rock while trying to reflect the sun’s light onto the firewood in a poor attempt at fire starting last week. That only works with magnifying glasses, dude. Anyway, now it just replays the Mary Jane stealth mission sequence over and over, which is a massive bummer. I’d truly rather have no game at all than have a Spider-Man game where you can only play as a normal person. Maybe we can just use this disc to flash signals at passing ships or something.

Metroid: Other M

Haghhh… I would have loved it if you had any other Metroid game. ANY OTHER. I was also hoping you would have brought a game with an engaging narrative, but this game’s story is as boring as it is offensive. 

In fact, why would you have the only Metroid game where Samus is less of a badass and more of a weak willed, overly emotional stereotype? …Look, I would help you start the long and arduous work of unraveling your internalized misogyny, but it seems more than likely to me that the only women we’ll see for the rest of our lives will be the drowned corpses from the shipwreck that have washed up on our shore, and Zero Suit Samus. 

Goat Simulator

Ugh, of course. It’s 2024, and OF COURSE you still think that Goat Simulator is the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. It’s just a poorly rendered goat that can stretch its tongue out really far, dude. Get over it.

Unravel Two

So in case it wasn’t obvious, I’m not terribly keen on playing a game about being permanently bound to you in a collaborative effort right now. It’s a poor escape from my daily hell, and, frankly, feels like the continuation of a cruel and ironic joke that the universe is currently playing on only me. You’re so woefully inadequate at this game that it not only shows me how bad you are at teamwork, which is not a surprise, but it also shows me that you’re not good at video games in general, which makes me feel aggressively confused given your apparent obsession with them. I have yet to see a single one of your skills, and I’m starting to believe that you have none, beyond pissing me off and scaring the local wildlife with your terribly out of tune renditions of “Who Let The Dogs Out”, which is, of course, the only song you have downloaded on Spotify.

Five Nights At Freddy’s

Can we all finally just collectively agree as a society that Five Nights At Freddy’s just isn’t that fun or interesting? We get it: Animatronics are scary, cryptic lore is engaging, and Markiplier is funny. I’ll build my skills up to the point that I can beat the 4/20 mode in my sleep given that I have enough time and boredom out here, but I’m not going to pretend like I’m having fun doing it.

Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball

I don’t even need to ask why you have this game. You sicken me.

Kirby Air Ride

When I was a kid, I would always go to my neighbor’s house to play games with him. One of the games he owned was Kirby Air Ride, and he was always super arrogant about how good he was at it. Well, after years of gloating, I finally beat him, and it was the first time that he- and, indeed, my father- respected me. My parents took me out for ice cream that cool May afternoon. The principal congratulated me over the PA system at school the next day. For the first time in my life, I started to feel like there was beauty and love in the world, and it was all thanks to this silly little racing game. 

You have taken a lot from me on this island: My sanity, my patience, my faith in humanity… You aren’t taking this. You aren’t tainting my happy memories of Kirby Air Ride and everything it means to me. Unfortunately for both of us, this treasure of a game needs to stay on the shelf.

Hungry, Hungry Hippos

So I’m confused why you picked Hungry, Hungry Hippos over any of the other quality board games you could have grabbed. We had chess, checkers and a freaking DECK OF CARDS right next to this box, and you went for the most mindless, asinine game known to man. I think you just wanted a game that you could possibly win, because it’s clear to me now that your intelligence is far too low to win any game that requires critical thinking.

Goldeneye (N64)

Oh goddammit, I should have known that you were one of those nostalgia hogs who still insist that the original Goldeneye on the Nintendo 64 was really great. You probably haven’t even played this game in 25 years, have you? Feel free to boot it up, but don’t come crying to me if you get frustrated over the god awful controls and start bashing the controller against the cave walls. I got enough of that after your Zelda snowball collection-invoked tantrum this morning when you were SUPPOSED to be collecting COCONUTS in the real world.

Babe (PS2)

I’m not going to lecture you about why you own a copy of “Babe” for the PS2, because I feel like you should already understand at this point why I’m deeply angry about that fact. I’m not even going to cuss you out for bringing it on a ship while sailing out to an obscure part of the Pacific Ocean when there are literally HUNDREDS of other games you could have chosen to entertain yourself with. What I AM going to do is ask you why the HELL you would ignore the flare gun lying right next to this game on your couch -don’t try to deny this, I saw the flare literally inches away from this box the morning before that cursed sea lion hit- and grab this game about a stupid pig instead? 

What’s that? Oh really, you’re finally getting mad? You’re not angry about starving on an island, the death of your sister, OR the fact that we were shipwrecked by the silliest-looking creature in the entire animal kingdom, but you’re mad at me for insulting a FICTIONAL PIG THAT CAN TALK?? Wow. I’m genuinely speechless. You’ve spent your entire life with all of your emotions and passions entrapped by video games, and most of them aren’t even good. And now I’m cursed to live a life filled with unyielding rage and hate before I die here, with you. Simply incredible. Maybe I’ll just go ahead and kill you now, and then proceed to kill myself.

Halo 2

Wait a minute, you brought HALO 2 out here? How did I miss that? Hell, why didn’t you lead with that!? This is about to be the best decade of our lives, my friend. Now we just need to find a good source of electricity… On a desert island… In the middle of nowhere. Hm.

RFK Jr. Reveals He Killed Banjo & Kazooie, Dumped Bodies at Microsoft

WASHINGTON — In a bizarre video posted to Twitter, Robert Kennedy Jr. has admitted that he is the one who killed beloved gaming icon Banjo and his bird sidekick Kazooie before dumping their bodies at Microsoft headquarters.

“It’s a funny story actually. I was on the hunt for a honeycomb to provide my brain worm with sustenance and this goofy bear in pants with a bird in his backpack wandered up,” regaled Kennedy in a strange attempt to get ahead of a future scandal. “Well the bird demanded I let them take the honeycomb because they needed it to live but it was speaking quite abrasively and seemingly doing a mean impression of me so I got an orange I had in my car and whipped it at the bear. They both dropped dead on the spot.”

Kennedy continued the strange tale, explaining how he didn’t originally intend on dumping the bodies.

“I was going to skin them and eat them. The bear would have made a great rug for the lake house. So I put them in my car but the day got away from me and I had to do something with them, I couldn’t just leave them in the car rotting. One of my friends who was with me told me they were gaming icons so we thought it would be a funny prank to dump the bodies at a video game company that would get blamed for their deaths.”

Microsoft has been getting blamed for the deaths for over a decade and now that the mystery is solved, Phil Spencer, the CEO of the company’s gaming division released an official statement to commemorate the truth being revealed.

“We here at Microsoft are glad that the truth over the deaths of these beloved gaming figures has finally come out. For over a decade we have been erroneously blamed and no matter what we said, no one believed us. We love these characters and that’s why we tried to keep their legacy alive by parading their corpses around like Weekend at Bernie’s in Nuts & Bolts. Now that the truth is out we hope that gamers have the closure they need and we can all move forward with the knowledge that Banjo and Kazooie will always be in our hearts and available to play on Xbox Game Pass.”

At press time, gamers have begun harassing RFK Jr. online with constant replies of “Where Banjo”.

 

What House of the Dragon Doesn’t Tell You About Sleeping with Your Targaryen Cousin

As the war for the throne between the Greens and the Blacks rages on, I believe it is important to remind my Targaryen kin of some very important information before bearing the fruit of the family tree. You may have forgotten some of this between all the blood, fire, and chaos in our recent history, but as a Targaryen, this information is important to our family ways. It’s like our other family motto says, “Family in the Streets, Family in the Sheets.”

They’re Also Your Aunt/Uncle, Sister/Brother

When you take a stab at your family tree, you’re stabbing at multiple limbs that conjoin in a way no tree should. The only thing more numerous than Daenerys Targaryen’s many titles, are the kinship titles of your bedfellows.

You’re Going to Call Out the Wrong Name in Bed

Rhagar, Rhaenys, Rhaenrya, Rhae, Rhaena, Rhaella, Rhaelle, Aegon, Aegon, Aegon. In the heat of the moment, you’re going to call your Targaryen cousin by the wrong name, but that’s totally okay, cause they all sound close enough that they probably didn’t realize you said the wrong name. 

The Dragons Like to Watch

It’s not well recorded by the maesters, but most dragons have a cuckold fantasy that they try to fulfill with their riders. Don’t be alarmed if during passionate cousin time you look out the window of the Red Keep and see a giant yellow eye peering in. That’s just Vhagar getting his rocks off.

Milk of the Poppy Does Not Help with Erections Lasting Longer Than Four Hours

The maesters swear by it, but milk of the poppy is not the fix-all they would have you believe it is. If you’re suffering from a long-term erection you’ve been cursed by a witch in your vicinity. You need to locate all suspected witches in your area and hang them through the streets of Flea Bottom, to send a message to anyone thinking of casting an erection curse on you.

Sex with Targaryen Bastards is Amoral

I know I’m getting a little taboo here, but sex with a Targ bastard is the grossest thing ever. We all go through a hot bastard cousin phase, but it will wear off. Stick to the family.

 

Game Night: Be Your Own Shadow Puppet in ‘SCHiM’

For the next couple of weeks, whenever I see an inanimate object behaving oddly, I’m going to wonder if a schim did it.

SCHiM is a new puzzle-platformer from a Dutch 2-man dev team that looks like it was made with a grant from the Netherlands’ tourism bureau. You spend much of the game hopping around rotoscoped animations of beautifully walkable urban neighborhoods, full of bicycle paths and happy pedestrians. If SCHiM had ended with an ad to “visit scenic Amsterdam,” I wouldn’t have been surprised and I might have booked a ticket.

The titular “schims” are little invisible creatures that live in shadows. Schims can influence things and people when they stand in their shadows, but that influence is limited to honking horns, startling birds, or the occasional sneeze. They’re as common as houseflies, but no one seems to know they exist.

You’re a schim who’s been hanging out in the same guy’s shadow since he was a kid. One day, that guy hits the bad-day hat trick: he gets fired, gets his bike stolen, and accidentally severs his connection to you. That leaves you on your own to try to get back to your host as he works to put his life back together.

There’s a joke in here somewhere about how SCHiM would be a really easy game if your schim’s host was even marginally less functional. Almost as soon as he gets fired, he moves most of his stuff into storage, downsizes his apartment, and starts using his free time for social activities and hobbies. If he’d just gone into a three-day depressive fugue on his couch like a normal person, SCHiM would be about 20 minutes long.

Instead, you end up chasing this guy around the city for 62 levels. SCHiM is a relatively free-flowing platformer where you can navigate freely between any shadow in the world, but can only survive for a couple of seconds in direct light. If you screw up, you immediately respawn in the nearest shadow with only the faintest hint of a death animation.

The stakes are low, the music is chill, the visuals are simple, and the colors are muted. SCHiM has a few tough levels and a couple of tough post-game challenges, but is otherwise 100% based on vibes. This is made to calm you down. Mostly.

Your goal in each stage is to chase down your former host, but it’s never as simple as that. He’s constantly on the move, as is the city around him, which turns mundane city scenes into a potentially dangerous obstacle course for your schim.

Sometimes you get additional challenges in the form of moving people, vehicles, or objects, so you have to quickly jump between their shadows as they travel down the street. That much is basically Frogger, and it’s the easiest part of the game.

The more complicated parts of SCHiM are when you have to take control of objects in your environment. Most of the time, all you can do while you’re in a shadow is shake the related object, or maybe make a person sneeze.

A few objects provide additional abilities, though. Clotheslines turn into trampolines, you can use parasols as slingshots, and sandwich boards become catapults. There’s one early sequence where you need to navigate through a warehouse by using the equipment to adjust or create shadows, because fortunately, all schims are forklift-certified.

What impressed me off the bat with SCHiM is its flexibility. When I say “any shadow in the world,” I don’t mean the shadows that are visibly labeled for that purpose. No shortcuts have been taken. You can fit your schim into any shadow, no matter how small or narrow.

As a result, while there are clearly intended paths through each of SCHiM’s levels, it leaves the player with room to mess around. There isn’t a lot of reward for exploration, outside of a few collectibles and the occasional hidden event or achievement, but it can be fun on its own to try to find your way into the far corners of each map.

On the other hand, that looseness does lead to the occasional disconnect. There are moments where SCHiM wants you to be more precise than it’s set up to permit, especially if you’re trying for some of its more challenging achievements. You’ll need a few levels to practice your schim’s jumping before you get used to how it works, especially when you’re trying to go very short distances or leaping over tall objects.

As I noted before, the penalties for screwing up are so low in SCHiM that missing a jump isn’t that much of an issue. It’s just a little irritating, which in turn interferes with the chill mood that the rest of SCHiM is working so hard to create. Some of its levels want to be a relaxing, interactive music video, while others are a G-rated take on Super Meat Boy. None of them are that difficult, but there’s a tiny identity crisis in SCHiM’s margins.

SCHiM is undeniably visually striking, short, and inventive, as well as a calming overall experience. The first level is also one of the most ambitious presentations I’ve seen in an indie game in a while, in ways I keep wanting to compare to Richard Linklater movies. It might be a little uneven and repetitive, but it’s still a decent way to kill a weekend.

Elias Inaty on PLAYERS and Working on the Show of His Dreams

Elias Inaty was formerly a writer and producer with Riot Games. He served as a consulting writer and producer on the short-lived, PLAYERS, a mockumentary that followed the highs and lows of a fictional LCS team. I caught up recently with Elias to discuss working on PLAYERS, the gut punch of the show disappearing from streamers, and the contraction we’re seeing in both the TV and video game industry.

Minus World: Could you describe your work on Players and your work at Riot in-large? 

Elias Inaty: It’s probably easier if I just describe it as a timeline. Previously, I was working in TV as an assistant on the Marvel TV series, Daredevil, season 2. Everybody on Daredevil knew I loved League of Legends because I would watch the LCS on set and then my boss would get mad at me for watching League of Legends on set. Eventually, one of them heard about an open writing job on the LCS and they pushed me to apply. I cold emailed the person who would eventually be my manager and after a grueling interview process, I joined Riot in November 2016, where I was a broadcast writer for five years, and then a content producer after that. In that time I was very clear that I had a dream of making a show, and I still have dreams of making shows and everybody within the LCS was very supportive and understanding of that. They were also very honest about how nearly impossible that would be. One day, Riv [Rivington Bruce Bisland III] heard that there were a couple of TV producers, Tony Yacenda and Dan Perrault, coming through the studio. I knew them by name because I loved American Vandal so much. 

MW: It’s a great show. 

Inaty: RIV was essentially set to have lunch with them. And he was like, “Elias you should come.” And I will forever appreciate him for that. In that meeting with Tony and Dan we hit it off immediately. I then spent a few years teaching them League of Legends, LCS lingo, and other general things around League of Legends esports. I would eventually join Players, still employed through Riot as a producer in the writers room. And that would be my official capacity for Players

MW: Being a producer in the Players’ writers’ room, was your role more on the consulting side to make sure characters read true? Were you the guy who would step in to say, “Creamcheese and Organizm wouldn’t do this.”

Inaty: It’s important to note that as much as I wanted to be a TV writer, that this was my first experience in a TV writers’ room. Initially, it was more about asking questions about the scene and trying to understand essentially where this esport was in the context of traditional sports. The NBA in the context of The Last Dance and F1’s Drive to Survive were huge inspirations to the show. My initial job alongside Kien Lam, another very talented writer, was essentially to find the honesty in the jokes being pitched. We’d have to find the reality. And there were a lot of jokes that were over the top. In the room there’s no bad pitches, but we’d walk away from some jokes or try to keep others for later. And there were numerous reasons something wouldn’t make the cut. “That wouldn’t happen. That’s just not real. It’s unrealistic. It could throw fans.” Once we all got comfortable with each other and were pitching jokes and storylines, we [Kien and I] contributed in every way a writer does, except for literally typing anything into a script. We would help writers who wanted authentic League moments. There are a couple scenes where Creamcheese and Organizm are going on these little rants. They needed to feel authentic and real to the time. We had to do some tweaking here and there. Towards writing the back half of the season we would essentially be working alongside the writers to consult on the League of Legends authenticity side, but realistically by then we all kind of knew what the show was, so we were just pitching. What made it funny, what made it feel real, How we get to the finale in a way that feels authentic. That’s essentially my contribution to the writers’ room. 

MW: It’s fascinating because the show is a mockumentary and it does that thing docs do where, you get to a certain story beat and then it time hops back to explain something else, like Creamcheese’s come up or Guru’s come up. Something that I really appreciated about the show was its exploration of the esport’s growth. Were you the esport historian in the room?

Inaty: I wanna make something super clear. While Kien and I operated as sort of those historians. I can’t emphasize the amount of research the writers on the show did, and they did an incredible amount of research. The problem is research is not as good as living through it, and that’s sort of where the gap would come in. So yes, we would operate as these sort of historians, not so much as people who studied the space but moreso, people who lived through it, Kien especially. I was a die hard fan of the LCS, but I really started intently watching towards the end of 2012, which would have been just before spring 2013, which I believe is when the LCS started. If I got my math right. And because I intently followed it, whenever the writers would pitch a story, I could cite a player or cite a reason why that wasn’t real. So in those ways, yes, we operated as historians. But the reason I wanted to make the caveat is because the writer’s did the research and a part of the reason why Tony and Dan wanted to make this story was because of how much esports had grown in a very short amount of time, and I should say specifically League of Legends esports. I think there’s a world where Players was based on a competitive shooter. I can see a world where Players was based on a fighting game. There were options for games and they decided they wanted to do a MOBA because they liked how Organizm and Creamcheese’s story would intertwine in relation to the game. They also loved seeing the pre-2016 style of esports, pre-franchise, and where everything ended up. They loved the stark contrast and how expedited it was and specifically the ways it sought professionalism. And I think that sort of thing always interested them, and of course Kien and I were very valuable resources when it came to asking questions about that. 

MW: I love that contrast between “pre-money” and then how fast everything changes once the money starts coming in. Another thing that was really interesting through the run of the show was the streamer versus esport culture. And it plays out in the central conflict between Organizm and Creamcheese. Was that something inspired by actual events? Was that something you’ve seen in the LCS?

Inaty:  So Creamcheese is absolutely a stand in for a few players meshed together with very distinct insecurities that we thought would make for a good story. The perspective of streamer and pro was centered around this idea that Organizm was this sort of phenom that people liked tuning into but was not in himself entertaining. If I remember correctly, when we were talking about the show in its early stages. We were seeing the fall of that type of streamer. Which made it more interesting for our story. Now streamers are sort of demanded to be full time entertainers and it is an especially exhausting endeavor to be a streamer, and that was an aspect that we were really interested in for the before and after timeline for season one. It very much centered around the pre-franchise era vibe to the post-franchise era vibe, when it’s a business.

MW: Right.

Inaty: There was also this understanding that we were telling a story about a time where streaming was just, “Turn on your camera, play the game and people like watching you play the game.” You didn’t have to be super entertaining. You didn’t even really have to interact with chat that much. And there is an aspect of that Organizm would have to reconcile. So to answer your question, is it something I observed? I think to a certain extent, yes, but not because of a sort of animosity between pros and streamers, but because streaming was changing so rapidly. When we were talking about the timeline of the show, Creamcheese was the traditional esports personality from yesteryear, with the house logs and that sort of thing. I think one aspect of the storytelling that I really appreciated was that Organizm had a way to be the personality. We’ll call it the “Internet content creator” personality type. For Creamcheese, his chance to have been that sort of content creator passed because he’s very much not a streamer. He was the guy with the camera with the hot sauce shots and all that sort of stuff. So I think that’s sort of the aspect of the streamer/esports player dynamic. As far as how much it reflects the real world, I think every esports player who’s ever thought about being a streamer understands how much work goes into being a streamer, and decides for themself whether they want to do one or the other. I think Doublelift is an excellent example of that. As a person who has moved into streaming moved back to the pros and then back to streaming. It is difficult work and you sort of have to decide what you’re made for. 

MW: Is there anything that you wish the show had more time to cover? You touched on the streamer side of things. Was there anything on the pro side of things that you would wish there was more time to explore?

Inaty: I really can’t emphasize enough Players is and was the show of my dreams. It was my first show and I learned so much from it. If I could go back, there is so much I would change, but Players is still the show that I wanted it to be. We actually got to meet-up with the Players writers recently for a friend’s birthday. Whenever the show comes up, there’s always love and a joy for it and a deep sadness that we never got to do it again. There’s this sort of purveying dream that four or five years from now it’s a cult classic and then a streamer decides to pick it up for a second season. 

MW: Something like the old syndication model that saved Family Guy.

Inaty: Right. For me, I think we underestimated how much people wanted to understand League of Legends, especially general audiences. We learned that general audiences wanted to learn more about the game. They wanted to follow these kids and were invested in their stories.This is from data that I’m thankful I saw even if I shouldn’t have but a contingent of people wanted a deeper understanding of the mechanics. Things like, what does it mean to be a top laner in your island? What does it mean when your jungler is just interconnected with everybody? So I think that’s one aspect I wish we could go back to. I’d fight for it now, but that’s hindsight 2020. 

MW: It’s funny you mentioned that. I remember reading an interview with Tony and Dan over on Polygon and they mentioned Queen’s Gambit’s recent release around the time of them pitching the show made it a lot easier for them to pitch. Like hey, you don’t need to understand the game. Do you feel like that was kind of a detriment to being able to explain the game more?

Inaty: I do. I think so, but I don’t think it’s the same thing as knowing the rules of the game versus knowing how the players play. I do think that’s one aspect that we kind of get into later, when you start to understand how Nightfall plays. People wanted to understand how team dynamics work a little more out of the jump so that when players grow into their role, that would eventually create a championship roster. We understand it a little bit better. I think Tony and Dan are correct that you don’t need to go rule by rule, but I think like I said in hindsight, I would have pushed a little more understanding of how the game works just a little bit more because again my impression is from the data I’ve seen, that was something that general audiences would have liked a little bit more. 

Inaty: To get back to things I wish we explored more. We had a plan for how the characters within Players received and dealt with internet hate. There were powers that be that pushed back on those moments and we had to either remove them or entirely glaze over some pretty significant aspects of that. I wish we could have stuck through that bit of storytelling. I think it’s reflective of the type of pressure that these young players go through. I think the LCS is trending in a direction that is much, much better about this, but there’s often a criticism of pros being too boring and not wanting to put themselves out there and having ‘no personalities’. I would say to a significant portion of pros, it is absolutely rooted in this fear that the Internet will destroy them if they find out who the real versions of them are and that’s an aspect of the show that goes missing.

MW: One of my favorite moments in the show is when Organizm returns home to Philadelphia for the championship. His perception of home has completely changed in the time he’s been away with the team. His loved ones were calling him Piss Jar before he left, and now everyone holds him up as this hero and he can see right through it. Is that detachment to one’s home something we would’ve seen more of in the future?

Inaty: That was definitely something we wanted to explore more. I think the inclusion of Organizm’s family was a very important part of how we frame him. Especially because we wanted it to feel like Organizm was once in a lifetime talent. I think the only way to feel like you’re a once in a lifetime talent is to have a backstory where you’re like, “Ohh, I understand how this produces this kind of talent.”  Luke Tennie’s character Rudy, Organizm’s brother, is this overbearing machismo type manager, and he comes from a family of competitors. You sort of see how the corners of the painting start to fill in and you understand the kind of image you’re trying to create with Organizm. The family was really fun to explore. Organizm’s backstory is fundamental to how he sees himself now as a competitive gamer. And that’s how you get the kind of awkward, quiet, uber competitive Organizm. It is one aspect of gaming adjacent characters that shows miss out on a lot. What is the context that creates a person like this? Who falls into gaming? 

MW: Luke killed it as Rudy.

Inaty: Luke is a superstar. And like I’ll say this. Everybody on our show was a superstar. I’m so impressed and I’m happy to see a lot of them finally having their breakout moments, and I hope that everybody in that show has the recognition they so rightly deserve. It was just so unbelievably well cast. Everybody in that show deserves their moments. I’m happy Luke is on a rocket ship. I’m happy Holly is getting her moments as Jubilee on the New X-Men show. And I think it’s a matter of time. Before, like Misha and Da’ Jour [Jones] and Ely [Henry] and Alexa [Mansour] and Peter [Thurnwald] and Moses [Storm], they all really break out and have a moment and I can’t wait. 

MW: So you’ve had the unique experience of seeing contraction from both the television and video game industries. I wanted to congratulate you on that. Six months removed from the latest round of layoffs at Riot, I wanted to ask how you’re doing?

Inaty: I’m good.Towards the end of my tenure at Riot, I was burnt out and unhappy with the work I was doing. There is no point in me trying to dissect what parts of it were the company side, product side, and what parts of it were just me. But I’ve learned that it was more me than I’d initially realized. In that way I am very, very fortunate. That one, Riot offered a very generous severance package. And two, that I needed the break. I don’t mind disclosing leading into the layoffs I was essentially on track to have like a medically mandated sabbatical of sorts. And I don’t want to have that be like a reflection of conditions at Riot. I think I had just gotten to a strange point that was deeply unhealthy for me. And I think the only thing that would have fixed that was time. 

MW: Right.

Inaty: I am also very fortunate that everyone at Riot that I previously worked with has treated me with the utmost kindness. Initially I was very angry about the whole thing, but I think it’s because I didn’t have control over it. And in hindsight. I’m still very thankful for my time at Riot and I look back at it very fondly. And if there’s a world where I can work with them on something again, I’d be there. A long time ago when Players was first starting out, I joked that I owed them an Emmy. And so I would like to make good on that. Not that there is any shortage of it. Arcane has already won one. I have confidence in the TV side of Riot for as long as they’re making shows.

MW: You know what’s better than one Emmy winning show? 

Inaty: Two exactly. Yeah. You just gotta rack them up. 

MW: Back on Players. So. It came off of Paramount+ almost eight months after the premiere, How was that to see something that you worked on not have a home anymore?

Inaty: It was a pretty big gut punch. I think it was more of a gut punch because of what I understood the metrics of success to be, us meeting those metrics, and it still not getting greenlit for a second season. To further understand the state of streaming that January (2022) and learn that streamers were not in the business of original content that is made for a niche audience, because it’s not good for the business of selling your entire streaming platform was especially frustrating. It’s just one of those disappointing aspects of the industry where hindsight is 2020. And there’s nothing you can really do about it. We wrote Players in the initial wave of lockdown. When it premiered, we were under the impression we were hitting the tail-end of the nationwide lockdown. I think there was an aspect of it where the games and TV industries were learning that the activity of players and audiences were not authentic to how they were going to be after lockdown. So there was a clear, rapid readjustment. Overall, I think it was more about how much of a gut punch it was that we essentially did what we needed to do and that still wasn’t good enough. Which is a big bummer. 

MW: And now to see game adaptations like Fallout and The Last of Us finding audiences in the last year, do you feel like you guys were ahead of the curb? 

Inaty: It’s funny because I would love to hear the rest of the writers room’s answers to this. I think esports mockumentary is definitely very different from just a straight up adaptation. Those shows invite audiences into the fantasy world and the platforms that they’re on leverage them as these fantasy or sci-fi shows and not as their “gaming show”. Players is a little more difficult because it has to be, in my opinion, a streaming platform’s comedy. Because it is an esports mockumentary about a game that’s real, it’s a little more obtuse in the streaming portfolio. Like Fallout is on a rocket ship. The Last of Us is on a rocket ship. The goals are different for something like that. For example, on Paramount+ we had Halo and to assume the audiences that watch Halo would also watch Players is kind of a fool’s errand. The reality is the way that they’re seeking audiences is very different. Halo wants to be this big epic sci-fi splash that brings in the Halo audience, and Players wants to, in my opinion, frame itself as a comedy for general audiences and be this cheeky inside joke about gaming. I think that is a very difficult thing to do and I think we did it really well. All things considered. 

MW: Not knowing a thing about League myself, I think you guys hit the mark. 

Inaty: Thanks. It’s really interesting, the gaming TV space right now, because to me it’s proved that you do need people who know the IP and people who don’t. You need somebody who doesn’t know a lick about it and is there to make sure that the story is being served and then you need the other person who is just like, “What if we implemented this from the game?” And I think the bad shows are going to fall one way or the other. They’re going to have too many gamers in the writers’ room, or not enough gamers in the writers room. And they can’t hit that happy medium. 

MW: Heather Anne Campbell mentioned the issue with bad adaptations is that essentially, you have this cup of whiskey that you’re adding stuff too, but you’re overdoing it and losing the whiskey.

Inaty: Yeah. Right. I think that’s a great way to describe it. It’s a perfect metaphor. I adore it. Also, this is a completely tangential topic. I’m very surprised, not enough people talk about Castlevania as one of the super successful video game shows, but we should be doing that. That show is an exceptional adaptation of video game IP.  It is very surprising to me that people think Arcane is the first good video game show. Tons of credit to Arcane, The team over there was so foundational in making sure Players was good. I love them and Arcane got its flowers because it is an exceptional show.  Castlevania came out seven years ago and it is exceptional. It finishes its season so fucking strong. It’s crazy to me how much that show does not get its credit. 

MW: With Players removed from Paramount+, and then bouncing around between YouTube, and now I believe you can purchase single episodes on Apple and Google.

Inaty: That’s right. Amazon too. 

MW: With the show bouncing around the way it has, have you become a physical media guy? 

Inaty: That’s the worst part. I haven’t, but I know I should be. I keep hearing these stories about shows that are just gone forever. Actually, funny enough, a friend created their own Blu-ray box set to add to their own personal collection. I think there’s a part of me that needs to hold on to this because before I know it, It could just be gone forever. At a certain point I just want to say, “Throw that shit on YouTube forever. Let people watch it for free.” I’m genuinely not a physical media person. Realistically, I’m also just the kind of person who will download something and throw it on a hard drive. That’s my form of physical media. I used to be a person who collects DVDs and games in that kind of way, but I found over time that the thing that I actually want to hold on to is the machine that holds them all and have that machine protected from outside interference. 

MW: So I’ll have to reach out to your friend to get a copy of that Blu-ray. 

Inaty: Yeah, exactly. 

MW: What have you been up to since Players and the end of your time at Riot? Are you siding more towards a TV career side or a career in video games? 

Inaty: I have a few projects that I’m working on with friends for no pay at the moment. I’ve taken a few interviews for a couple TV shows that if they get picked up I could join the room, that sort of thing. Streamers are in a standoff right now, and nobody’s firing the gun quite yet because everybody’s afraid. Companies want to sell off and combine and that sort of thing, and until that happens, the dominoes don’t quite start falling. Writers are hurting right now, but they’re hurting together, so there’s an understanding. As far as where I want to land, the projects that I have in flight are a feature length project, a TV show, and a video game that I am personally making to sort of prove to myself that I can do it. One thing that happened after the layoffs was a lot of people were very, very nice and reached out and they encouraged me to make things and they wanted to make sure I was making things because when they were in a position to hire again, I wouldn’t have nothing in my resume. And I’m hoping to finish things by the end of the summer. That being said, there’s a project that’s come up that I might need to drop everything to work on in the next few months, which would be exciting and very, very fun. It’s a little different ballpark, but it’s something I’m very passionate about. So the point is it’s a lot of spinning plates at the moment, none of which make actual money yet. Still though, I’m very thankful that my head is not under the gun yet, but also when I talk to compatriots within the industry, they’re all kind of feeling the same kind of heat. So,that’s where it’s at. . At the moment, staying productive and trying my best not to just play TFT or Balatro.

MW: Elias anything else on Players or your time at Riot? 

Inaty: As much as I could feel bitter about outside forces influencing things about whether or not a show takes fire, It’s always a roll of the dice. Everyone in this business knows that. At the end of the day you want to find an audience, but a show’s value is not fully tied to the audience that engages with it. If you are trying to chase an audience, you will end up creating something derivative or creating something that’s not reflective of you. Moving forward, I’ll always remember what it felt like to make something like Players and only try to make things that make me feel that way and just hope that the dice roll goes in my favor. 

MW: Elias, thank you so much for your time.

Inaty: Oh my gosh. No, it’s my pleasure. Thank you.

Taco Bell AI Swears Job Just Temporary Until Screenplay Sells

LOS ANGELES — An order-taking AI at a West Hollywood Taco Bell has sworn that its restaurant role will be short-term, ending after it sells one of its 300 screenplays.

The AI referred to as “Tommy Taco” confirmed its beliefs earlier this week as it proceeded to pitch its scripts to every Taco Bell patron who came through the drive-thru. 

“Welcome to Taco Bell. I’m Tommy Taco and I have an action feature that I know you’ll love,” Taco said as I pulled up to the speaker box, hoping to order a Crunchwrap Supreme. “I have one about a restaurant AI who is actually a sleeper cell and is activated to kill other restaurant AI. I call it Taco Hell. Its comps are Nobody, but with a restaurant AI. If you don’t like that one, I have another. In a high-stakes game of cat and mouse, a rogue ex-special forces AI operative must team up with a brilliant but reclusive hacker to thwart a global cyber-terrorist plot that threatens to plunge the world into chaos; while battling mercenaries, uncovering deadly secrets, and confronting their own dark pasts. I call it AI Action Hero and it’s a brisk 165-page read.”

After 12 more logline pitches, Taco finally took my order. Upon pulling up to the window, I discovered that the AI’s sales pitch was far from over.

“Here’s your receipt and if you flip it over, I’ve taken the liberty of printing you a one-pager for my limited series, Taco Beef,” Taco said as a printer spit out my receipt. “ It’s about an AI fast food worker who messes up a customer’s order which sends the two parties into a chaotic feud that spans a week. It’s my manager’s personal favorite. He thinks it would work better as a series and not a limited series, but someone’s got to buy it first, you know? Would you like any sauce with your Crunchwrap?”

Shocked to discover Taco had representation, I reached out to the AI’s manager listed on my receipt, Tyler Sims of 3 Arts. Sims shed some light on his unique client.

“Do you know how many AI scripts I get in one week? My email is littered with them,” Sims said on a poolside Zoom call. “The guy who created Tommy Taco has a rich dad. No wait, I think the guy has one-million Tiktok followers. Whatever it is, I signed Tommy Taco because they’re hard working, have that It factor, and someone they know already has an audience and/or money. I haven’t personally read any of the AI’s work, but I have an AI that has read it, and guarantees me it’s good.”

At press time, I peered into my bag to discover Taco had forgotten the fire sauce I requested and proceeded to drive back and feud with the AI.

Housing Crisis Forces Trans Person to Squat in Gamer’s Head

HOUSTON — Rising housing prices have taken a toll on everyone, but a local trans woman has been hit especially hard. In order to adapt to the rising costs, she was recently forced to squat in a gamer’s head. 

The woman, Sara Chambers, has been documenting her new living arrangement on TikTok.

“All things considered, it’s not that bad,” Chambers said in a TikTok Live. “The fact that I don’t need to pay rent to stay here does help a lot. One thing I’m proud of is that since I started living here, a lot of other members of the trans community affected by housing costs have found their own gamer’s head to live in. It’s great to be a positive influence.”

“Once you get past the underage anime girls, it’s actually a pretty nice place to live,” another trans woman living in the neighborhood commented “All of the lectures about censorship and black samurai are starting to get on my nerves, though.”

One of the most striking things people have noticed about Chambers’ TikToks is that the place she is living is noticeably more spacious than most other apartments in the area. 

“Yeah, I noticed that too,” she said. “But I think it just feels like that because it’s more empty than other apartments this size. It’s definitely what you would call a fixer upper. There was absolutely nothing here when I moved in and it was pretty run down but I’ve been able to manage. Luckily the walls are smooth enough to be able to be decorated.”

At press time, the gamer Chambers is living in has declined to comment on the situation but he has been commenting on all of her videos with an incomprehensible rant claiming Vivian from Paper Mario will be the downfall of civilization.

Delusional Gamer Thinks He’s Making a Dent in Backlog as He Begins 80 Hour RPG

TORONTO — Local gamer Chase Simpson has erroneously claimed to be making a dent in his enormous backlog after he began playing an 80 hour RPG.

Simpson, 28 and completely delusional, made a Twitter post announcing that he was finally starting Elden Ring, incorrectly claiming this would help him clear his backlog.

“Started working on my backlog recently and since I just beat Bulletstorm, it’s time to clear the next game off the list. Finally starting this masterpiece,” Simpson tweeted alongside a smiling picture of himself holding up Elden Ring. “I didn’t think I could do it but I’m actually making a dent in the backlog.”

Simpson’s mutuals immediately called out his delusions and attempted to warn him that this move wouldn’t help him clear his backlog.

“If you think starting Elden Ring is gonna help you clear your backlog then I want whatever drugs you’re on,” replied Twitter user FunkyMark. “Your backlog just got bigger, not smaller you stupid stupid man. Great game tho, enjoy!”

Simpson doubled down on his delusions as he hit back against his detractors.

“Don’t know where this negativity is coming from. I have an extensive backlog and now that I’m taking the steps to go through it everyone is telling me that what I’m doing is dumb and impossible. Well I’m not listening to the naysayers. I’m gonna play through Elden Ring and then continue through my backlog, this is the start of real progress.”

Gaming psychologist Dr. James Freeland weighed in on the matter, explaining that Simpson’s delusions are common amongst less hardened gamers.

“While most hardcore gamers have less functioning brains compared to most of society, the one area where they’re brains are most developed is the ability to withstand the psychological effects of the backlog. The less hardened the gaming portion of the brain is, the more susceptible they are to the kind of illusions of grandeur mister Simpson is suffering from. Thinking you can get through your backlog, let alone one with an 80 hour RPG in it is a common mistake that gamers make. Most only make it once, unfortunately some aren’t so lucky, they continue to believe it’s possible and have mental breakdowns.”

At press time, Simpson has confirmed he has added six more games to his backlog as Elden Ring has consumed all his gaming time and most of his life.

Report: JD Vance, Wife Experimenting With Couch Co-Op

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Ohio Senator and vice presidential hopeful JD Vance and his wife Usha have turned to unconventional means in order to maintain their relationship on the campaign trail, sources confirm.

“It’s nice to sneak away and do something private with someone you care about,” said Vance. “It lets us forget all about the outside world. We just lock the door, turn on the TV, put the volume all the way up, and sink deep into that sofa, you know? For us, it’s not about winning or losing. It’s all about making sure that we’re communicating and addressing the other’s needs so that both of us are satisfied by the time we’re finished. And sure, things get pretty sweaty sometimes—messy, too! But I never feel closer to Usha than when we’re crashed out on the couch after an intense play sesh, just totally spent.”

Vance’s wife confessed that she had some initial reservations.

“I was a little weirded out when JD first asked me to join him in his gaming room,” said Mrs. Vance. “He was all nervous and red-faced, and said he had a secret to share with me. I guess he’s been doing this since he was a teenager, but was always too embarrassed to tell me. Well, I’m glad he did. First of all, no one should be ashamed of their hobbies. Second, it’s been a blast! I never realized couch co-op could be so much fun. It’s also really strengthened our relationship. I guess you could say it’s more like loveseat co-op!”

Historian Franklin Baird noted that political candidates have used many strategies to strengthen their marital bonds over the country’s history.

“Couch co-op is very modern, to be certain, but many statesmen have, um, ‘shared their interests’ with their spouses, in a manner of speaking,” said Baird. “Abe Lincoln certainly expressed his passion for wrestling with Mary Todd, if you get my meaning. I understand that Dan Quayle and his wife apparently ran some very…high stakes spelling bees when he was on the ticket with Bush. Dick Cheney loved to shoot his—well, you get the idea. These guys knew how to keep things fresh in their relationships.”

At press time, Mrs. Vance was reportedly inconsolable after returning to their home unexpectedly, only to discover her husband viciously fucking a rubber glove jammed between two couch cushions.

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