HOUSTON — Jeanette Gold, the lone survivor of the Houston Hangman’s killing spree is reportedly struggling to see the silver lining of making it out alive, local hospital staff confirmed.
“I mean, am I supposed to be grateful? I lost a hand, saw my best friend get impaled on a fence, and now my insurance is telling me they won’t cover my rehabilitation,” Gold told reporters. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy I didn’t get killed, but this really upends my plans for the month. I was gonna visit my sister in Duluth and now I have to push that back until at least November to deal with all this.”
Andre Soders, a behavioral health specialist at Houston Medical Center, noted Gold’s priorities as being a bit off.
“When I first spoke with Ms. Gold, I thought she would want to process the trauma of seeing her boyfriend and childhood friends killed in front of her,” a concerned Soders said. “Instead, she spent almost an hour ranting about how she had to use all her paid sick days. I don’t want to judge anyone’s grieving process, but she seemed more inconvenienced than distraught.”
Forensic Psychologist Vanessa Stabb cited Gold’s behavior as weighing heavy on the Houston Hangman himself.
“He actually feels really bad about how this played out,” Stabb explained. “He never intended to leave Ms. Gold saddled with all these feelings. He appears to be suffering from a reverse-survivor’s guilt, believing if he was just a better killer, then she wouldn’t have to suffer.”
As the Houston Hangman began receiving sympathy nationwide, Jeanette addressed the situation for the first time since leaving the hospital.
“I’m really struggling to see how I’m supposed to feel bad here,” Gold responded in an Instagram Live. “ He’s not the victim here. Are we forgetting that he cleaved my best friends in two right before my eyes? Now he’s in a cushy paid for asylum and I have to deal with the horror of our healthcare system. I’m the victim!”
At press time, the Houston Hangman has vowed to finish the job as soon as he escapes prison. Jeanette has yet to respond herself, but relatives claim she’s found some solace in his words.
ANDOVER, Mass.— Local gamer Danny Murphy shared his recent befuddlement when trying drugs did not produce the same 15 seconds of screen wobbling he had expected.
“I recently decided to experiment a bit. I figured what is the worst that could happen? I’ve tried all sorts of cool guy drugs in games from Jet to Aurora and they never seemed to do much other than make the screen wobble for a few seconds. I figured something with a silly name like Molly would be no different. Let me tell you it lasts a lot longer and does a lot more! I woke up wicked sweaty in a pile of plushies” said Murphy when interviewed at his suburban studio apartment.
The occupants of the adjacent apartment to Murphy’s, who wished to remain anonymous, provided more detail about the events that unfolded.
“My family and I were enjoying a nice movie night when the theme from ‘Carnival Night Zone’ started rattling through our shared wall. I went over to ask him to turn it down, but he wouldn’t agree to that until I came in and touched his velvet Bubsy 3D poster because it ‘felt so good’. After I touched his poster he tried to tell me that Michael Jackson wrote the song he was playing, like I’d believe that. He kept mentioning this would be over anytime now, whatever that means.”
When reached for comment Murphy’s friend Leslie Drew noted,
“He’s always thought the weed minigame in GTAV was ‘so cool’ but wouldn’t listen when I told him that’s not actually what happens when you smoke pot. I keep telling him he needs to expand his horizons. This would have never happened if he played Disco Elysium.”
Murphy reported he wasn’t mad about the prolonged experience and shared he plans to see if other drugs do more than make his vision briefly wobble.
“Some people have told me to be careful and that drugs can be addictive, but as a gamer I know the local doctor can usually cure that for 70 caps or so.”
At press time, Murphy had reportedly told friends he was heading to Fenway Park to seek medical help from a physician.
SAN MATEO, Calif — In response to leaks regarding the long rumored PlayStation 5 Pro, Sony has issued assurances to fans that this next iteration of the legendary home console will also not have any exclusive games.
Following the reporting from gaming outlets, co-CEO Hermen Hulst posted on X – The Everything App, confirming the existence of the half-step console and boasting about the lack of exclusive titles.
“Yes, we are working on a new Pro model of the PlayStation 5. No, it won’t have any exclusive games,” Hulst wrote. “Nothing is more paramount than making sure anyone buying this new system enjoys the same lack of exclusive software as our base console players. More details will be released soon, but our fans can rest easy that none of those details will include games that take advantage of the upgraded hardware. We think it will be a big hit.”
PlayStation fan account PSWarrior excitedly posted about the confirmation from Sony on the PS5 subreddit.
“Sony just gets it. They know we don’t need games to appreciate all they do for us. Xbots seething right now. Day one buy, no questions asked. LFG XDDDDDDDDD!!!,” PSWarrior wrote. In response to a commenter questioning their excitement, PSWarrior, who is also a mod for r/PS5, quickly fired back and banned the user in question. “GTFO out tourist. Is your head so far up Uncle Phil’s ass you got brain damage from the lack of oxygen, or is it just because you’re another xbox fanboy and it comes naturally to be this stupid?”
The PlayStation corporate account also issued a statement, letting fans know they would soon be able to learn more.
“We are so close to taking the next step in our PS5 journey together,” The account wrote. “Keep an eye out on PlayStation.com where we will be posting a more detailed breakdown of what our fans can expect once the PS5 Pro launches. We can’t wait for you all to see what we won’t have to offer”
At press time the PS5 Pro site was up, but any attempts to open the “Games” page resulted in a 404 error.
CHICAGO — NetherRealm Studios has officially announced that the next guest characters to be added to Mortal Kombat will be Costco Guys A.J. and Big Justice.
“I’m really excited to announce that we will be adding A.J. and Big Justice to Mortal Kombat 1,” said creative director Ed Boon. “It’s always a pleasure adding guest characters to the franchise that really fit in with the series and let the fans play out their fantasy battles. All of us at NetherRealm are big fans of the Costco Guys and are so excited to be able to work on unleashing the full power of the boom on the Kombat Universe in the upcoming Double Chunk Kaos Kookie dlc pack.”
Big Justice made a TikTok where he commented on him and his son being added to the game, expressing their excitement on becoming video game characters.
“We’re Costco guys so of course we spent hours playing the Arcade1Up Mortal Kombat machine that’s on display. To be added to this historic franchise is an honor. Me and A.J. will be bringing the BOOM to all your favorite fighters and showing them the true power of the DOUBLE CHUNK CHOCOLATE COOKIE. You’re gonna love playing as us and hitting our BOOM fatalities.”
Mortal Kombat fans had mixed reactions to the announcement.
“WHERE IS THE RIZZLER? HOW COULD THEY NOT ALSO ADD THE RIZZLER? ARE THEY STUPID? YOU CAN’T BRING THE BOOM WITHOUT THE RIZZLER,” tweeted Kanoussy.
Boon assured fans that Rizzler would appear as both a Kameo character and as part of both Big Justice and A.J’s fatalities.
“For this pack we really wanted to hone in on perfecting A.J and Big Justice and making Rizzler a fully playable character would have caused us to completely abandon A.J. Instead we’re adding Rizzler as a new Kameo character to use as support. In addition to this he will be part of one of A.J’s fatalities where together they rip their opponents limbs off one by one before performing a double boom splash that completely eviscerates the rest of the body. He also makes an appearance in Big Justice’s Double Chunk fatality where he hands Justice the bucket of double chunk chocolate cookies that he then shoves down his opponent’s throat until they explode.”
At press time, NetherRealm has hinted that Hawk Tuah girl could be the next guest character added.
I sound my horn. Not just any horn – my big ass Dr. Seuss horn. It’s just a goddamn whirly mess of brass. Like, this thing was just a pig to commission, let alone learn how to play. Whenever I have to blow into this absolute water slide of an instrument, I need to be medically revived almost every single time. But my oversized clarion horn is worth it for occasions like this.
Upon its blare, you all come running to the town square, suspicion on your wary faces. What could the news be? Predictions slip out excitedly:
“Did we do it? Did we reverse climate change using only renewable resources?”
“I know! We enacted Universal Health Care, and it was actually really easy!”
“Wait – are we having another Community Paper Shredding event, since those are famously very popular?”
No, no, and no, my sweet children. Today, we celebrate the greatest milestone of human civilization –
The word “cunt” is normalized in mainstream pop culture now.
Yes. It’s true. And with this superpower, there’s one clear first item of action: ranking all the Mario Kart 8 Deluxe vehicles by cuntiness, just as Shigeru Miyamoto intended.
41. GLA
This is Mario Kart, for fucks sake – not the mobile order pickup table at the Sweetgreen across from Lockheed Martin.* Who among divas is picking a reasonable yet luxurious compact SUV? If you’re picking this shit, you have never served cunt in your life, your wife hates you, and you should probably check on the Stouffer’s lasagna you left in the oven because somehow, you’re about to burn it.
*I used to think “Lockheed Martin” was what British people called a noogie. Life is so disappointing.
40. 300 SL Roadster
Aside from having less creative appeal than your late 50s coworker who just got really into Hawk Tuah, the product placement here is just baffling. What is the ideal outcome of this marketing decision? “Oh, why did I buy a Mercedes, you ask? Well, I was largely unswayed, until I remembered my test drive of it in the fictional terrain of Mario Kart 8. Yeah. I figured those awesome features I loved in the game, such as going forwards and backwards, would hold up in real life. And they do – for only 2,500 a month.” Getting swindled isn’t cunt.
39. Steel Driver
Submarines remind me of the Navy. The Navy reminds me of the 2012 action sci-fi flop, Battleship. The plot of that movie? War. And this submarine couldn’t serve if it was called into battle.
38. Biddybuggy
The Biddybuggy is a car that only exists to transport you to and from AJR concerts. Do with that what you will.
37. W 25 Silver Arrow
This looks like something that you’d build out of scrap metal in the 30s to go down Niagara Falls. You will not catch me pulling up to the club serving Evil Knievel’s chastity cage. Have some self respect.
36. Tanooki Kart
A few bonus points for the black and orange tiger stripes on the spare tire, but ultimately, pretty cuntless. Seemingly created for the existence of “Lock Her Up!” bumper stickers. The Tanooki Kart looks like it would rear end me in the Starbucks drive through and then call the police. Very few redeeming qualities.
35. Standard Kart
Adults who say “pasketti.” Mr. Pibb. Kid who spills all that shit in the Bounty commercials and is never properly disciplined. These are a few of the things that the Standard Kart makes me think of. You already know what they all have in common: not serving cunt. Go listen to “Good Time” by Owl City somewhere else.
34. Mr. Scooty
Serving cunt is all about creativity. Making a name for yourself on this cold, unrelentless bitch of an earth. You know what isn’t cunty? Making that name Mr. Scooty, which sounds like what you call a dog who’s going through a really big “I’m gonna rub my bare asshole on this shag rug” phase. Why not Madame Scooty? Wheelira? SCXXT? Points docked for wasted potential.
33. Jet Bike
Looks like the first thing a giant squid would eat in the cold open of a failed Memorial Day Blumhouse release. Also, seems Republican. So no.
32. Sneeker
In her “Notes on Camp,” Susan Sontag writes, “When something is just bad (rather than Camp), it’s often because it is too mediocre in its ambition.” I see the vision — a glimpse into a sick, twisted mind, where one can drive a shoe. The artistic intent is clear, but not applaudable. I am embarrassed for its driver — imagining their view of themselves as an eccentric, self-expressionist pioneer, when all they are now is a foot. Get out of here, Foot Locker. Your time is up.
31. Pipe Frame
An unflattering mockery of the divine form of a bumper car, mixed with a perverted twist on the “live, laugh, love” infinity symbol (that’s not an 8 on the front, trust me guys). Attempts to be unique, but serves Hobby Lobby. Next.
30. Standard ATV
This is the vehicle equivalent of that one photographer you know whose only credits are taking naked photos of women in the desert. It is uninspiring to me, both fashionably and politically, and the absence of a statement is, in itself, a statement. A statement that I am not willing to entertain on my very important ranked list of Mario Kart cuntiness.
29. Tri-Speeder
Love the mushrooms on the cylinder, but unfortunately, it’s giving “Ru Paul’s fracking empire.” Enough said.
28. Sport Bike
Nothing special on its own. But now, imagine it’s April 18, 1775, and Paul Revere is shredding through Lexington on this hot piece of vehicular ass. He’s yelling something, but you’re not listening. All you can focus on is how sweet his ride is. Damn. Maybe the bike isn’t serving, but he is and that makes it a bit better, right?
27. B-Dasher
Red stripe is cute, but not serving. Ultimately, it’s giving “thing I would accidentally swallow, not realizing scientists are investigating my insides Magic School Bus style.” I don’t care if this is Mario’s default vehicle – the only good taste he’s ever had in his life is choosing Princess Peach.
26. Sports Coupe
This car feels like it has attitude, but less in a “serving cunt” way and more in a “the driver of this must be pretty fucking annoying” way. This car was made to blast Russ on residential streets after 10pm and yell at minimum wage coffee workers over the sourcing of their in-house hemp milk. I don’t care if it reminds you of a bumblebee. This car was one of the singers in the celebrity pandemic cover of “Imagine.” Expand your mind.
25. Standard Bike
The standard bike could be giving Americana cunt: PBR tallboys, camo, Marlboro reds. But the line between serving Ethel Cain and serving your weird uncle who goes to town hall meetings just to blow off some steam is thin. It depends where the bike toes.
24. Blue Falcon
Looks like something that, as a kid, I would dream of putting in my mouth and chewing like a fruit snack, so that counts for something, I guess. The Blue Falcon is cunty in the way an opaque blue Scooby Doo fruit snack is – less aspiration, more intrigue.
23. Circuit Special
A bit more elevation due to rich sapphire color, but lacking the démesuré that screams “I need to listen to Rico Nasty right now or I will harm myself and others.” However, the front looks like a really pointy thong, which is a huge plus for people really into 240p booty.
22. Comet
That little front wheel is doing all of the lifting. Sleek, nothing new. God. I’m so hungry. I can’t think. Writing this article is the literary equivalent of when Lois and Clark had to do that long ass walk for no reason, or whatever happened there. Mobile ordering Jersey Mikes as we speak.
21. Varmint
This vehicle isn’t much to write home about (you know how you typically write home about all the cool shit you see?). But the name. OH that NAME. God, is it good. “Hopping in the varmint xoxo” sent from an LG ChocolateSlide is the cuntiest way possible to leave the function. Too bad it looks like someone tried to make a banana in Minecraft.
Also, I’m eating my sandwich. So, I guess I’m ranking this one higher because of positive associations.
20. Mach 8
Serves as much cunt as a mid 2010s Coldplay song. Specifically, “Paradise.” I remember listening to that song, and developing my first feelings of embarrassment towards being a woman. Specifically, Chris Martin’s woman, even though he refers to all women as girls. I don’t trust men who do that.
Anyways. I digress. This vehicle is fugly as hell.
19. Master Cycle
Treading on the cusp of camp, the Master Cycle has elements that are bogged down by an actively anti-cunt brutalist, postmodern aesthetic. It reminds me of something that the police would ride on in a Denis Villeneuve movie and it would ultimately confuse me, because for a movie set in the future, why do we need to replicate the shape of horses, the oldest mode of transportation ever? However, I will give it points for being animated in Skyward Sword style as opposed to the basic 3D rendering of most Mario Kart vehicles. Someone tried something here.
18. Gold Standard
Despite having a name that is reminiscent of a Cracker Barrel premium lunch special, the Gold Standard intrigues me. It serves cunt, I suppose, the way the following things do: Shein hauls, cubic zirconia, and Paris-themed bedrooms. It feels like it wants too badly to be too much, while being a simulacra of its own excess.
I feel the perceived “cuntiness” does not come from genuine confidence and uniqueness in the Gold Standard’s life. It is a thinly veiled replication of elegance, and all who sit in it become stained with the saccharine residue of its failure to make any meaningful artistic statement.
17. Bone Rattler
Bone Rattler. Bone R attler. Bone R. Boner.
16. Inkstriker
Versatile, loud and proud, and literally sprays color — the Inkstriker doesn’t quite serve cunt, but it slays in a respectful, non-controversial way. This is the car equivalent of your well-meaning aunt buying you suspenders from the Target pride collection. You’re not gonna wear them because you’re 25, but it’s the thought that counts.
15. Landship
It’s giving “over-prepared for an extremely niche pirate themed 30th birthday party in Bushwick,” and honestly, it serves! Maybe not full cunt, but everyone knows that pirates slay from the theatrics of swashbuckling to the horde of cats they kept on board. Come on. Landship has CANNONS, with sleek wood paneling. Despite giving off a “Loungefly backpacks and hidden mickeys” aura, it’s innovative and a win for Kiera Knightly lovers everywhere.
14. Streetle
Despite having a name that sounds like a slur, Streetle kind of…serves? I could see myself going to the thrift in this, and loading it back up with weirdly-hemmed skirts that I’ll make into tube tops and wear nowhere. Streetle is for the folks who love an iced lavender oat matcha and are really into Calico Critters. Good for you! I hope you liked the new Clairo album!
13. Master Cycle Zero
Sleek, great at off-roading, and visually reminiscent of Grimes’ early career, Master Cycle Zero certainly brings a lot to the table.
But in Katy Perry’s 2013 manifesto “Dark Horse,” rapper Juicy J proclaims a lyric that has perplexed me for over a decade: “That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor/she can be my sleeping beauty/I’m gonna put her in a coma.” I can’t help but think that this objectively un-cunty line was inspired by Link’s Master Cycle Zero, and therefore, in good faith, I cannot rank it higher.
12. The Duke
Okay, Violet Beauregarde! The Duke is literally royalty in similar build to the Shooting Star from MK Wii, a bike that glows purple and syncs lights with the music borders into cunty terrain. However, aside from looking like something that Hagrid from Harry Potter would drive if AND ONLY IF he got a septum ring, it falls flat in the “innovation” category.
11. Yoshi Bike
1970s American journalist Jack Babuscio once stated that “Irony is the subject matter of camp.” And to that, I say — what is more ironic than driving a bike shaped exactly like you? This is the equivalent of designing a figurehead in your image as a ship’s captain, placing a bust of your form on the front porch of your house. Even though it may not be the most original (I mean, real Yoshi IS right there), it shows a self-love from Yoshi that serves cunt in its camp inspiration.
10. Teddy Buggy
An unexpected pick, but cutesy is cunty! Jellycats! Sanrio plushies! Björk’s swan dress at the 73rd Academy Awards! Coquette and tasteful. If I had a Dave Matthews Band-inspired sewage spill, this would be the vehicle I’d choose to dump 400 lbs of my shit onto the innocent bystanders of the Chicago river.
9. Prancer
Named after the second most queer coded of Santa’s Reindeer and reminiscent of Zendaya’s show-stopping Met Gala Cinderella, Prancer serves an appropriate level of cunt. Being inside of a pumpkin gives Old Mother Hubbard realness, and she served in a Grimms Brothers honoring way, which is more than most vehicles can say.
8. P Wing
Serves.
Man. What the fuck am I doing. I’ve been talking about serving cunt for so long. I have a MacBook Air. Cavemen couldn’t dream of the world at my fingertips and this is what I use it for? To run PAGES, not even WORD, and write this pathetic attempt at journalism? I should do a crossword. Talk to an old person. Anything. Anything at this point.
7. Splat Buggy
In terms of chaos, it’s giving Fergie’s National Anthem meets extremely tailored corporate graffiti. The Splat Buggy serves cunt in a way that promotes creative thinking and collaboration in the workplace. I would not be surprised to find its aesthetic design on a Trader Joe’s featured product sign and it would convince me to buy Everything But the Bagel Seasoning.
6. Isabelle’s Scooter
Leaf wheels. Paper glider. Unique. Innovative. And all tailored by fierce civil servant, snatched button-up wearing, PTO using glamzilla Isabelle. Seeing her sky-high ponytail flip through the wind as she sails by you on a polka dot scooter is an honor for which you should all be grateful.
5. Koopa Clown
Have you ever wondered, “How can I serve cunt in a way that honors my local improv theater?” The answer: pulling up in the Koopa Clown. It’s expressive, wears its emotions on its proverbial sleeve, and ultimately, is a performer begging for you to suggest a game of “World’s Worst.” She’s a baddie with range, and she’s not afraid to tell you how she feels. Confidence is key to serving, and Koopa Clown breathes it.
4. Wild Wiggler
In the words of Chappell Roan, “I need a super graphic ultra modern girl like me.” And Wild Wiggler is in fact that girl. Every child who grew up to slay on the daily had a kinship to the Wiggler’s form. Although they can be angry (rightfully, when you step on them), they strut in their beautiful velvet Chelsea boots, grow a flower from their head, and face each day with their chin up high.
The Wild Wiggler is a vehicle that reminds me of the transformative quote found on every AI generated Marilyn Monroe Facebook posts your twice-divorced aunt makes: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” And damn, was she right.
3. Badwagon
Bad bitches to the left, money bitches to the right. The Badwagon, as titled, is only for baddies. If you do not serve cunt, your face will melt off like that guy in Indiana Jones if you try to look at it. The Badwagon is for girls that appreciate a crisp Diet Coke. That would never be caught dead in a Shein dress. That think Daisy Duck deserved better than her loser war criminal boyfriend, Donald. The Badwagon is for queens with a communications degree that never wash their bangs and are very polite to waitstaff. All in Roy Koopa’s extremely pointy ass sunglasses.
2. Flame Rider
Your busted ass is walking through the Coconut Mall, starving for whatever fucking food they serve there. Jesus. It’s just gonna be an Auntie’s Annie’s, isn’t it? That’s not a meal. That’s a piece of bread all contorted and shit. Jesus. You need protein. You begin to fade.
Then, you hear it. The opening drums of Azalea Banks’ 212. In the distance, you clock it, a motorcycle, bedazzled with flames, drifting to your rescue and living the fantasy all at once. “What is it carrying down the malls’ runway?” you ask yourself. Oh my god. It’s a fucking piece of Sbarro Pizza. Maybe queens do lift up other queens, after all.
Before you can say thank you, the vehicle zooms off, into the mirage it came from. You smile. Life really does have little miracles, after all.
1. Cat Cruiser
THE It Girl. The queen of your dreams. Hustling that kitty like it’s a full-time job, the Cat Cruiser is the biblically-accurate, never-before-served, face-beating, singles-throwing, line-bumping epitome of serving cunt after cunt after cunt. She’s sassy. She’s got nerve. She’s your favorite vehicle’s favorite vehicle. So go – hop in and drive into the sun, just like they did at the end of Grease. Who cares if you fucking explode. To die in the Cat Cruiser is a privilege greater than life itself – and maybe, just maybe – you’ve earned it.
NEW YORK — An internal memo from Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav urging his underlings to bring him more ritual sacrifices has been leaked to the press.
Company spokesperson Bridget Smith came out in defense of the memo in a statement.
“Look, at the end of the day Warner Bros. is not in the entertainment business, we’re in the stock price manipulation business,” Smith said. “And nothing tells our shareholders we care more about their investment in Warner Bros. than buybacks and the occasional ritualistic sacrifice of some of our more valuable properties. It’s simple economics.”
Several longtime Warner Bros. employees, speaking under anonymity, released their own statements in reaction to the leaked memo.
“I say, I say boy, it’s downright tragic what that carpetbagger has done to this one great institution,” Wrote one of them. “That Zaslav is about as sharp as a bowling ball.”
“Eh that Zaslav, what a maroon!” Wrote another. “Forget rabbit season, when’s CEO season?”
“Meep!” Was all one said, but written in a very angry font.
“David Zaslav should be rotting in a cell in Arkham alongside The Joker, not sitting in a corner office. Unfortunately for him vengeance has no jurisdiction.” The final anonymous statement read.
David Zaslav himself spoke on the matter, assuring both investors and fans of Warner Bros. properties everything was fine.
“There’s a lot of hay being made out of an internal document that was leaked to the press, but my mission as CEO has only ever been to provide maximum value to both our customers and our shareholders,” Zaslav said. “If fulfilling that duty involves bathing in the blood and viscera of some of our properties to bump the stock price it’s my duty as Chief Executive to do so.”
At press time, a barrel of “The Dip” was seen being wheeled into Zaslav’s office followed by a muffled cry of “Th-th-that’s all, folks!” and a blood curdling scream.
The gaming world is reeling after Hollow Knight was executed live during yesterday’s Direct by Shigeru Miyamoto
The Direct was a double feature with an Indie World and Partner Showcase back to back and gamers everywhere had hoped that meant they would get news on Silksong.
“I know there’s someone you’re all eager to hear from,” said Miyamoto right before he welcomed the Knight to the void where they shoot the Directs. “We know many of you are tuning in specifically for this guy and so I thought it appropriate to start off by personally presenting the future of Hollow Knight.”
It was at this moment that Miyamoto brandished a replica Master Sword and lobbed off the Knight’s head in a single swift motion that could only be done by a master of Wii Motion Plus.
“We hope you enjoy all the games our partners have to show you” a blood drenched Miyamoto said with a smile as he held up Hollow Knight’s severed head.
The Direct then continued on for 40 minutes of indie and third party game announcements as the feed of Miyamoto hoisting the Knight’s decapitated head like a trophy remained in the corner.
Gamers have been left so traumatized by the display that many of them are in denial.
“What happened at that Direct was disgusting and abhorrent but I’m sure the rumored Sony State of Play in September will give us the Silksong announcement and then everything will be okay. This execution was just a little bump in the road,” wrote Twitter user WhereSilksong whose tweet got 20k likes.
When asked why he did it, Miyamoto answered frankly.
“The truth is that Hollow Knight has been locked in a cell for quite some time, because he’s more valuable to us as a prisoner who never gets a sequel. People’s misplaced hope drives viewership but at a certain point the fanbase gets annoying and you have to give them a reality check. I honestly enjoyed it. Slicing through his little tiny neck and being soaked by the rain of blood that squirted out was exhilarating. I can’t wait to do it to Captain Falcon next.”
At press time, gamers have reportedly been spotted around the world praying in front of advertisement billboards in the hopes Geoff Keighley can revive Hollow Knight in time for The Game Awards.
Gamers who love Stardew Valley are in for an absolutely incredible treat: They will really enjoy playing more Stardew Valley.
Since Stardew Valley’s 2016 release and rise to popularity, there’s been an explosion in farm life sims and other so-called cozy games. Fans looking for a similar experience now have a seemingly endless number of options — but why bother with any of them when you could just play more Stardew Valley?
You could sift through reviews of countless farming RPGs in search of a new gem, but that would just be wasting time you could spend playing Stardew Valley. Besides, those other games cost money, and you’ve already spent money on multiple copies of Stardew Valley.
Instead of trying a bunch of new games you know can’t possibly be as good as one of the greatest games of all time, why not keep playing a game that you already know is one of the greatest? If you’re looking to recapture the magic of your first 300 hours in Pelican Town, nothing will do it like another 300 hours.
Despite being created by just one person — the brilliant Eric “ConcernedApe” Barone — Stardew Valley has a breathtaking amount of content. Unless you’re the most diehard fan, you haven’t seen everything the game has to offer yet, so your best bet is to keep playing it until you have.
Make it to level 100 in the Skull Cavern. Find all the artifacts for the museum. Find all the Golden Walnuts on Ginger Island. Adopt all the pets. Use the catalogs to decorate your farmhouse. Obtain perfection. Build a dozen Gold Clocks and fill a Big Shed with 137 Statues of Endless Fortune just because you can. Keep divorcing your spouse and marrying one of the game’s other bachelors or bachelorettes until you’ve married and divorced them all. Come on, there has to be something you still haven’t done in Stardew Valley yet.
And if there isn’t, you could always start a new game of Stardew Valley.
You could try one of the other farm layouts, or playing with remixed Community Center bundles, or a co-op game. You could try speedrunning or mods. There simply isn’t any point to playing any other games until you’ve squeezed every last conceivable second of entertainment out of Stardew Valley.
Well, at least until ConcernedApe finally releases his next game, Haunted Chocolatier. Then, all bets are off.
Originally, Mario was only able to make use of Warp Pipes after unclogging them. Like the game’s bushes, the sprite for the human waste in the game was actually just a palette-swapped cloud. Efficiency!
2 — Okay Mushroom
It was supposed to make you bigger than Small Mario, but not quite as big as Super Mario. It also gave Mario a 660 credit score.
3 — Roc’s Feather
After the inclusion of several Mario-related Easter eggs in “The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening,” the Mario team was eager to return the favor. Sadly, they couldn’t find a way to integrate jumping into the core gameplay.
4 — A Literal Iron Man Suit
Not many people are aware that “Super Mario Galaxy” was supposed to include a pretty significant Marvel crossover. Unfortunately, production on what would become the Marvel Cinematic Universe spoiled those plans.
5 — Bottle of Gin
This would have turned Mario into the Bob Hoskins version of the character from the 1993 film “Super Mario Bros.”
6 — A Potion That Makes Mario Feel Pain
This proposed power-up replaced the game’s jaunty death music with horrifying, realistic screaming. Mario would reportedly beg players not to make him jump over gaps. Several quality assurance professionals had to leave the profession after play-testing this one.
7 — Low-Jump Boots
These were removed after the discovery of a glitch that allowed for slightly more efficient speedrunning.
8 — A Stapler That Turns Mario Slightly More Red
Apparently, the designer of this power-up just picked a random item he saw on his desk after being directed to do more work for no additional compensation. Luckily, that sort of practice is unheard of in today’s digital media industry.
9 — Bandicoot Suit
This was dreamed up during Nintendo’s failed collaboration with Sony. That deal fell apart and, well, you know the rest of the story.
10 — X-Ray Specs
Developers saw an ad in the back of a comic book for an item that would allow Mario to see through obstacles, but when they ordered it and put it into the game, it just showed some random bones on the screen.
WESTFIELD, Mass. — Local gamer Jakob Barnes announced that he was starting a new “Persona 5” playthrough in recognition of the new school year, sources confirm.
“Yeah, I’ve only beaten the game seven or eight times, to be honest,” said Barnes. “I had been working my way through all of the ‘Baldur’s Gate 3’ trophies on PS5 all summer, but I kind of felt it was time for me to get back to work. I’m a little nervous, but also really excited. I mean, this could be my chance to get the Akechi ending! It’s a fresh start, and I’m looking forward to it.”
Evan Wyman, the person who Barnes described as his “best friend,” reacted to the news of Barnes’ new save.
“Oh, Jakey? Yeah, I remember him,” said Wyman. “We used to hang out and play video games way back when. Like, high school days. I guess we drifted apart after I went to college, and got a job, and got married, and bought a house, and had kids. I guess it’s nice to hear that he’s still playing games, even if I’ve never heard of this ‘Pursono’ thing he’s into. I hope he’s enjoying himself.”
Kazuma Kaneko, co-creator and character designer of the Persona series, said that he had been inspired by back-to-school advertisements.
“I was feeling burnt out by my work on ‘Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner,’ and I didn’t know if I could continue,” said Kaneko. “I turned on my television to try and unwind. Immediately, I was bombarded with commercials from Target and Walmart and countless other retailers. It was impossible to get the idea of going back to school out of my head. It consumed me. I decided I should do something productive with that energy, and boom, Persona was born. It’s not surprising to me that fans pick up on that impulse.
At press time, Barnes was reportedly too scared to tell his parents about a poor result he received on a test that he should have had memorized by his third playthrough.
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