LOS ANGELES — Following the negative reaction to Netflix blockbuster, The Electric State, directors Joe and Anthony Russo are now apologizing for the $320-million film as well as the recent price increase to Netflix subscriptions.
The Russo brothers addressed the public in a YouTube video released earlier today.
“When we set out to make this movie, we didn’t think of all the subscribers who could be harmed in the process,” Joe Russo said, donning an Avengers: Doomsday graphic tee. “From the bottom of our hearts, we are so sorry that your subscription is now $2 more expensive. I have lost sleep just thinking about all the hurt we have caused. Just know, if Tony [Anthony] and I could personally pay back $2 to every one of you, we would.”
At the time of this article, The Electric State had a Rotten Tomatoes score of 14%, the lowest for a Russo brother’s film. The Russo’s apology video goes on to cover their recent efforts to right so many wrongs.
“Movies adaptations are really hard when you don’t have an executive pulling all the strings and making all the creative decisions throughout the entire process,” Anthony Russo said, donning an “I’m with stupid” shirt pointing at his kid brother, Joe. “I am just glad that the studios have not given up on us, and we are getting another chance with Marvel. It was a gamble taking on The Electric State, but it is a gamble taking on any project that doesn’t feature Iron Man or White Captain America.”
Not everyone is ready to let the Russo Brothers off the hook. Netflix subscriber, and self-renowned penny pincher, Thomas Wells is not too happy with the recent price hike.
“You want $18 a month for ‘NothingFlix’,” Wells wrote on his blog, in response to the apology video. “I mean honestly, what am I missing if I cancel Netflix right now, another Russo crapfest? I can watch anything worth watching as long as it is on Hulu, Disney+, Max, Prime Video, Peacock, Apple TV+, or Paramount+. Those streamers are doing it right and not overpaying these artistic clowns.”
At press time, Wells had tweeted about his dismay discovering that Hulu, Disney+, Max, Prime Video, Peacock, Apple TV+, and Paramount had all also announced recent price increases to their subscriptions.
HOLLYWOOD — Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav announced earlier today that he had recently invited Bugs Bunny to become a made man.
“Ever since I took over this company I’ve had to figure out what to do with that rabbit. On the heels of reluctantly releasing The Day the Earth Blew Up I realized that making him a made man was long overdue. As CEO I have to make some hard decisions but for me this was an easy one. He was so happy when I told him I was going to make him a made man. He came to the meeting in his nicest suit and the look on his face when it happened is something I’ll cherish for the rest of my days. It’s what it is.”
The other members of the Looney Tunes claim that no one has seen Bugs since he told them he was to become made man.
“Something is fishy. First Zaslav cancels one of films, then he takes our whole catalog off Max and then he decides to make Bugs a made man and all of a sudden no one has seen him? It stinks. It stinks real bad,” claimed Daffy Duck. “I asked David where Bugs went after their meeting and all he said was that ‘he must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque’ before laughing maniacally”
Some of the Looney Tunes have prepared for the worst and are fearful of their lives.
“Bugs is gone and Zaswav is in a good mood. Something went down in that meeting,” said Elmer Fudd whilst continually looking over his shoulder. “I think Zaswav is finawwy cweawing house. Evewywhere I go I see bwack cars fowwowing me. Sometimes even a hewicopter. Isn’t it obvious. Zaswav is wwiting us off for good.”
At press time, when asked to further elaborate on the situation Zaslav simply stated “The blood of the rabbit will bring great value to our shareholders.”
WASHINGTON — During a recent rewatch of ‘Schoolhouse Rock,’ Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was inspired to draft a piece of legislation that sits on its ass and does nothing.
“After listening to thousands and thousands of complaints from my constituents, I am happy to announce I have submitted a bill that aligns with my message to this new administration,” Schumer told reporters as he hurriedly rushed out of the Capitol. “I want the American people to know that I hear you, and I will do everything I can to look like I’m actually doing something.”
The bill’s co-author, Senator John Fetterman, told reporters that the 3-minute animated music video taught him more about American lawmaking than two years in the Senate did.
“Red blooded Americans made that cartoon. It wasn’t some blue Australian cattle dog or a spoiled British pig, it was an American-made piece of paper that sang the blues ,” Fetteramn said, coming out of committee dressed for a pick-up basketball game. “And I deeply relate to the message of getting winded half-way up the steps of the Capitol, I finally understand someone else’s struggle.”
The contents of the bill is the entire ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy transcribed into legislation, solely meant to take more time to read than the Senate has allotted for.
“It’s a diabolical misuse of taxpayer dollars!” AOC remarked on a live-strem event she held instead of going to a House debate on Tesla integration. “But that’s exactly why Republicans are going to pass it through, and the entire House and Senate will have heard more about Frodo than the complaints of the American people!”
At presstime, Schumer and Fetterman have drafted a sequel bill that will put a traffic signal at Conjunction Junction.
DES MOINES, Iowa — Local content creator Seth Baskin, known online as “PikminPNG” is bursting onto the scene and he claims he’s very excited to get to the point where he can begin inappropriately messaging his female viewers.
Baskin, who is 35 with a wife and kids, spoke to local news about his goals as a content creator.
“You know that’s what this is really all about at the end of the day. “What’s the point of having an online following if I can’t take advantage of women who like my content? Sure sponsorships and connections are nice and I guess having a community has its perks but all of that pales in comparison to the opportunity to manipulate women into sending me nudes. Why do you think I chose to base my online identity around Pikmin? To attract the cute innocent types, duh.”
Internet historian James W. Tallybush said that not only is it not uncommon for male content creators to get into the business for this purpose but it’s actually the norm.
“When most people get into content creation it usually comes down to one of three reasons. They want to get internet famous in order to quit the real world, they just need a creative outlet, or, the most frequent motivator which is to obtain a position that allows them to manipulate and take advantage of women. From Dr. Disrespect to even supposed nice guys like Chuggaconroy, no matter what content they make, or what their persona is, they are in it solely to use their status to inappropriately solicit women. Sometimes underage ones. It’s become such a proven method that even well known individuals from other industries such as Drake have begun copying it.”
Veteran content creator PlayerNamedGus, who recently retired and deleted all his content amid various allegations of creepy behavior, wished PikminPNG best of luck in achieving his goal.
“PikminPNG seems like a great guy with a wonderful family and I’m sure he’s gonna make an excellent groomer once his brand becomes big enough. I have no doubt he’ll reach his goal and obtain a great deal of female viewers to take advantage of. It’s just nice to see a fresh face who’s hungry to get in there and shake up the creepy dm scene. It really is a right of passage for us male creators. My days of hugging the ladies over the airwaves may be over but I’m happy to pass the torch.”
At press time, PikminPNG refuted claims that it’s morally wrong for him to inappropriately solicit female members of his community, insisting “I deserve it, I’m a man”.
WASHINGTON D.C. — Fans of musical theatre and historical hip-hop are rejoicing this week as the Kennedy Center announced that their upcoming production of Hamilton would feature an exclusively white cast based on meritocracy.
“It’s something we’ve wanted to do for a long time, but the temperature of the room was never quite right for merit-based casting, if you catch my meaning,” said executive producer Jarold Stevens, appointed by Kennedy Center Chairman, Donald Trump, three days before the announcement. “The original show just reeked of reverse-racism to me. I argued with my teenage daughters for years that the original casting didn’t make sense because they looked nothing like the founding fathers. It was an obvious case of race-based casting. While dropping them off at their mom’s house, they said I ‘didn’t get it’ and accused me of reverse-reverse-racism, which is almost as bad as reverse-racism.”
“Luckily, our new chairman is much more open-minded about theatre,” he said, referring to Chairman Trump. “All I’m saying is if they can do The Wiz, then Hamilton with actors who look like the founding fathers should be fine too.”
When asked what he meant by ‘they’, Mr. Stevens refused to comment. Despite the controversies, an exciting star-studded cast list was announced earlier this week via TruthSocial.
“Once everyone sees the raw hip-hop talent we’ve pulled together, the audience won’t be able to tell the difference,” said casting director Bernice Claire. “We’ve got Kid Rock as Hamilton, Lil Dicky as Aaron Burr, the two remaining Beastie Boys somewhere in there, and then of course beloved olympic breakdancer, Raygun, as Elizabeth Schuyler. We’re so excited to finally see what a merit-based cast of Hamilton looks like.”
Outside of the theatre community, scholars have been celebrating this brave new depiction of America’s roots.
“Does Kid Rock look more like Alexander Hamilton than Lin-Manuel Miranda? I mean, I guess,” said renowned American Revolution scholar, Dr. Charlene Seville of NYU. “If the only way you’re measuring ‘merit’ is by how much melanin they have, then sure, Kid Rock is more qualified to play Hamilton than Lin-Manuel Miranda, but I’d hardly call that an endorsement.”
At press time, the president has declared any boycott of this show to be ‘illegal’ and threatens deportation to anyone not engaged in a 30-minute standing ovation.
FAIR OAKS, Calif. — California governor Gavin Newsom hosted Mecha Hitler on the latest episode of his “This is Gavin Newsom” podcast.
The California governor’s new show has featured several conservative personalities including Charlie Kirk and Steve Bannon, but this is the first time Governor Newsom has spoken to someone of the mechanical Fuhrer’s stature.
“We won’t get anywhere as a nation if we don’t engage with people we might disagree with,” Gov. Newsom said in response to critics. “I’m willing to listen to and agree with any talking points I think may help my political ambitions, up to and including opinions espoused by Mecha Hitler. Who really isn’t such a bad guy once you get to know him.”
The Californian governor has been accused of betraying the trans community and legitimizing right wing extremists, and that by engaging with them he is either being incredibly naive or acting out of a sense of self preservation in the wake of a second Trump Administration. Gov. Newsom doesn’t see it that way though, as he elaborated on during his interview with Mecha Hitler. An excerpt of the interview can be read below.
“A lot of people are upset I’m even speaking with you,” Gov. Newsom told the Fuhrer. “Just because we’re talking. Can you believe that?”
“Nein,” Mecha Hitler replied. “Ze so called ‘tolerant left’ in your country vould be ze first ones I sent to ze camps.”
“I wholeheartedly agree! If we want to succeed as a nation it means talking to if not fully embracing our political adversaries and adopting whichever of their views my consultants tell me will be most beneficial in the next general election. Even if it means—yes—exterminating every trans person. When your group only makes up .6% of the populace you are expendable: Simple as that. And .6%, that’s a drop in the bucket compared to Real Americans. Would you agree, mein Fuhrer?”
“Ja, the transgender menace must be eliminated, along vith the Juden.”
“While I’m hesitant to say all Jews should be exterminated, I do think we could find some middle ground with those who don’t support Israel and their right to defend itself. Hell, I’ll line them against the wall myself if it means a shot at the Oval Office.”
“On zis, we agree.” Mecha Hitler concluded.
Hakeem Jeffries and other top Democrats were reached for comment but were preoccupied doing nothing in particular.
At press time, Gavin Newsom had announced his next guest would be the ghost of Henry Kissinger.
WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer chose not to use a key legislative tool to oppose a Republican funding bill out of fear that he would need it in a future battle, congressional sources confirm.
“I just felt like this is a fight I could afford to lose,” said Schumer. “It’s not like it’ll cost me any money or experience. My status is entirely unaffected by the outcome of this vote. I might need to use my ‘no’ on cloture to win a more important battle down the line, like if Republicans try to suspend elections or something. Even then, I might want to hold onto my cloture leverage—and probably unanimous consent, too—in case Donald Trump has a second form that I don’t know about yet.”
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries said he was disappointed by Schumer’s decision.
“I actually did something this time, and Chuck totally screwed me,” said Jeffries. “He could have at least warned me that he was gonna chicken out so that I didn’t try so hard for no reason. I could have set this sucker to auto-battle and just checked out. Instead, I burned through most of my political cache points, only for Chuck to bail on me so he could protect his own inventory. Those points don’t regenerate very quickly, you know.”
Politics guide writer Ryan Hammet noted that, in his view, blame was shared across the entire party.
“It’s not like this fight was a surprise. This wasn’t a random encounter,” said Hammet. “This is a regular miniboss. These guys have seen them before. You don’t need a guide to figure out how to beat it. They had all the necessary tools at their disposal, and yet they couldn’t coordinate a unified response. The worst part is that this type of symbolic battle gives a ton of XP with the electorate. Now, when the big end-game fights come, they’re going to be severely underleveled. Honestly, Schumer and Jeffries are completely mis-specced already. The Democrats should have ditched those useless builds ages ago and started from scratch with AOC or someone.”
At press time, Schumer was seen googling the term, “how to unlock United States republic bad ending.”
I’m not sure I’d have released a game in 2025 about a sentient AI that comes to question its creators. It’s impossible to take the premise seriously at a point in time when the height of AI technology is used to tell people to add glue to pizza.
That aside, my first big problem with Memory Lost was figuring out if it was actually flawed or if I was just having a hard time wrapping my brain around it. It’s a splatterpunk twin-stick shooter with a unique rhythm, where you rapidly possess and discard the bodies of your enemies over the course of a typical fight. After a few hours, I concluded that it does have a few issues, the first of which is that it might’ve been rushed to release.
In Memory Lost, you play as N.N., for “Neural Network,” an artificial intelligence created by the Redsky Corporation. You first become self-aware in the tunnels beneath the city of Detraxis, where you’ve been sent to wipe out a local cult.
N.N.’s major asset is that, in this cyberpunk future, almost everyone has neural implants, even sewer-dwelling religious maniacs. She can hijack those implants to instantly take control of a person, then turn them against their allies. Once her current host is near death, N.N. must jump free to another suitable implant within line of sight, or she’ll die alongside her victim.
That sets up a layered sort of challenge. In addition to dealing with fast-paced combat, where enemies can come at you from any direction and tend to attack in suicidal waves, you also have to micromanage your own health bar. You’re just as fragile as most of your opponents, since you are most of your opponents, and it’s easy to drop dead to an unexpected wave of reinforcements or explosive trap. Rapidly shifting between bodies is both an offensive and a defensive tactic.
If you try to play Memory Lost like you would any other twin-stick shooter, it gets frustrating fast. You’re meant to deal with each wave of enemies by effectively turning them against one another, rather than simply circle-strafing to victory.
It’s a great hook for an action game, and when it works, it’s impressive. The problem I’m having, aside from just wrapping my brain around the mechanics, is an overall lack of polish. Memory Lost feels like it was released a version or two early, with a half-baked translation, a lot of jokes that simply don’t land, voice actors that all sound like they learned their lines phonetically, and a few simple presentation problems, like text that overflows its message box.
Its biggest issue, however, is simple inconsistency. To successfully hop into a new body, you have to either burn a charge from your Ultimate ability or weaken an opponent without killing them outright. In the latter case, that means many of the best weapons in the game are also the last ones you actually want to use, as they often land a one-hit kill.
Sure, it’s fun to wade into a crowd of oncoming enemies as one of the katana-wielding ninjas or the chainsaw guys, but anyone you dismember or decapitate is no longer a suitable host body. (One of the reasons I love this job is that sometimes I get to write some really crazy sentences.) As such, it’s easy to die because a new wave of reinforcements showed up and I’d already murdered everybody that I could’ve possessed.
Even when I’m not using one of the big weapons, it seems random whether an enemy just dies on the spot or becomes a valid target for a body swap. A cultist who drops to small-arms fire or a baseball bat to the dome might get killed on the spot or spend a few seconds as a potential new body before he expires. There’s no way of knowing which you’ll get until it happens.
When I die in Memory Lost, it’s typically because the game’s decided for no particular reason that I’m out of swap targets. In a game where my success or failure is usually determined by when and how I can possess people, I only have one reliable way to do so, it has to recharge between uses, and I can’t use it if I’m already on the verge of death.
The general concept behind Memory Lost is sound and the presentation’s decent, but it’s a couple of iterations away from the best version of itself. The overall experience reminds me of the zero-budget end of Xbox Live Arcade in the ‘00s, where you could find a reliable bumper crop of games from all over the world that might not have been playtested at all before release.
With another couple of patches and some mechanical tweaks, there could be something special here. If you’ve got a high jank tolerance and you like the idea of a grimy, violent cyberpunk shooter, you might have some fun with this, but Memory Lost feels like a beta test disguised as a full release.
[Memory Lost, developed by Magic Hazard and published by ESDigital Games, is now available for PC via Steam for $19.99, with console versions coming later in the year. This column was written using a Steam code for the game sent to Hard Drive by a Magic Hazard representative.]
LOS ANGELES — Geoff Keighley, head of The Game Awards and Summer Game Fest, is willing to leave it all behind and take up the mantle of the papacy should he be called to serve.
Keighley, AKA “The Dorito Pope”, has said he sees taking up the zucchetto as the next logical step in his career.
“I see it as a lateral move,” Keighley explained in a post on The Game Awards website. “Just like the Catholic Church, I have to look the other way to justify most of the actions I take now as the head of The Game Awards and Summer Game Fest. It’s part of the gig. Becoming successful is learning that it doesn’t matter where the money is coming from or what was done to earn it, all that matters is the money never stops coming in, and I’ve gotten pretty good at that part of it. Basically what I’m saying is I will do anything as long as the check clears. The only reason I haven’t killed someone yet is because no gaming CEO has asked.”
A spokesperson for the Vatican called the statement of interest from the so-called “Dorito Pope” ludicrous.
“Is Mr. Keighley even a practicing Catholic?,” The spokesperson asked. “Indeed, he seems eager to endorse many things: new gaming products, exciting offers that are only good for a limited time, and exclusive promo codes. But our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ does not seem to rank among them. The Church must concede that Mr. Keighley is an excellent mouthpiece for multibillion dollar organizations who prefer you look the other way when they commit various atrocities and cause undue harm to people with no means of defending themselves. And for that we must commend him.”
Keighley concluded in his post about seeking the papacy that if the Catholic Church wants to stay relevant they will consider his offer.
“Look, am I utterly devoid of charisma? Yes. Do most people find me irritating and a bit of a shill? Absolutely. But I’m not a bad guy,” Keighley wrote. “Just imagine how cool it’ll be when my personal friend Hideo Kojima walks out on stage in St. Peter’s Basilica, and then tell me putting the Keighmeister in charge is a bad idea. I don’t think so, buddy.”
At press time, Geoff Keighley was seen walking up to strangers on the street to ask if they knew he was friends with Hideo Kojima.
Hideo Kojima has blessed the world with the latest trailer for Death Stranding 2: On the Beach. Naturally the entire gaming world is buzzing but Hollywood is also buzzing and that’s much more important. It’s no secret that Kojima loves movies more than anything in the world and his games make no effort to hide their cinematic inspirations and aspirations. Well, Hollywood has taken notice of Kojima’s genius and as we all know, the world of cinema is far more prestigious and serious than gaming since there’s no gamers involved. So this is a pretty big deal.
We had the honor of approaching various famous Hollywood directors completely unsolicited to ask for their thoughts on Kojima’s latest piece of marketing. Here are their responses.
Spike Lee
“What’s the difference between Hollywood characters and Kojima’s characters? Kojima’s are real.”
Jane Campion
“I relate to the struggle of all these characters”
Sean Baker
“It should be played in a theater.”
The Russo Brothers
“I bet we could do that. With AI of course. And Kevin’s blessing and extremely detailed instructions on how to do it”
Sofia Coppola
“It doesn’t seem like the female characters have much agency of their own. Although I will admit all their little photo poses look really cute. But where the hell is Kirsten Dunst?”
Christopher Nolan
“Even I’m confused.”
Zack Snyder
“It’s got some style but there’s too much substance for my tastes. Don’t even get me started on the complete lack of slow motion and Ayn Rand.”
Francis Ford Coppla
“Where am I? I’m gonna be late to the Godfather Part 3 premiere.”
Jon Favreau
“Well I mean it’s better than Marvel.”
George Miller
“I wish I could make love to Kojima, he’s such a genius and I love him more than I love my own family”
Martin Scorsese
“Not long enough”
Woody Allen
“If Sam Porter Bridges doesn’t want to marry that baby, I will.”
Bong Joon Ho
“I like that it’s very weird but where is the class struggle?”
Ben Affleck
“Jen or Jen, if you’re reading this, please take me back.”
Mel Gibson
******* ***** ******* **** ******* ****
Great Gerwig
“I loved Boktai: The Sun is in Your Hands. I thought it was really beautiful. Really great.”
James Cameron
“Hell yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! Give me a fist bump.”
Ben Stiller
“Ah yes, Kojima, a fellow artist, such as myself.”
Clint Eastwood
“Get off my porch!”
Roman Polanski
“I didn’t do it.”
Guillermo Del Toro
“Where was I?”
Jordan Peele
“Why is the only black person wearing a mask?”
Bryan Singer
“Did Woody Allen already call dibs on the baby?”
M. Night Shyamalan
“I consulted on the ending of this where Sam reveals he’s really Noramn Reedus, oh whoops I gave it away.”
Also Ben Affleck
“I forgot to ask. Can you bring me some Dunkin?”
John Krasinski
“He’s making those deliveries for the world but he’s really doing it for his kid and that’s beautiful. The only thing holding it back from being perfect is no CIA representation.”
Ridley Scott
“Who gives a damn if you can’t understand it, cool shit is happening you fucking dorks!”
