Carlos Cadorniga, Author at Hard Drive

Epic Announces They Will Suck Your Dick if You Release Your Game on Their Store

Posted on October 30, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

CARY, N.C. — Video game publisher Epic Games, Inc released a statement announcing that they would perform oral sex on any third-party developers who were willing to release their games on Epic’s digital distribution storefront.

“Fuck it, man, we’ll do whatever you want,” said Tim Sweeney, the company’s visibly agitated CEO, during a subsequent press conference. “Literally everything is on the table, and I mean everything. Spit on us. Use us and throw us out like tomorrow’s garbage, so long as you give us those sweet, sweet publishing rights, baby. That’s all mama wants. You don’t have to call us ‘mama’ either, unless that’s your thing. No judgments, here. Just give us your games.”

Many developers were cautiously optimistic about Epic’s new offer.

“I’m definitely going to take them up on it,” said Glenn Tyler, an indie developer who is set to release a roguelike shoot-em-up in the vein of Vampire Survivors. “Everyone on Reddit keeps saying it’s anti-consumer, but I don’t see it that way. I’m not going to change the price or anything, I’m just gonna blow my load all over Tim Sweeney’s face. I hope he has some windshield wipers on those skinny little glasses of his, because I have been stockpiling my seed for weeks.”

Epic’s competitors were caught off guard by the new strategy, but at least one rival claims it doesn’t change their outlook.

“Oh, sure, you can build up your storefront in a hurry if you’re not being picky,” said Phil Spencer, CEO of Microsoft Gaming. “I mean, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, right? I’ll tell you why: because the cow isn’t producing the right kind of milk, and it’s not producing it quickly enough. You’ve gotta buy that cow and tell it exactly how to do things, and make sure that it doesn’t sell its milk on any other streetcorner. You don’t get that kind of control if you’re just going down on every cow and bull you run into, which I’m sure Epic will figure out soon enough.”

At press time, Tim Sweeney was seen laughing way too hard at an indie developer’s terrible joke while leaning in to rest a hand on his chest.

Man Furious Reviewer Gave Up On Game After Just 59 Hours

Posted on October 30, 2023 by Corey Arbor

TOLEDO, Ohio — A local man is beside himself with rage after a games journalist published a review for a game having clocked a mere 59 hours playing it, sources confirm.

This review is downright pathetic and actually personally insulting to me,” said William Oakley, on a reddit post yesterday, concerning modest gaming Rhomboid News’ recent review of Kawaii Killers From the Moon, a game where inexplicably busty, chibi-style characters go on ultraviolent, turn-based killing sprees across Earth. “Am I to believe the reviewer experienced everything this game had to offer in the five days they were able to spend with it? Are the game’s final two dozen hours necessary or merely grinding to pad the game’s length and justify the price tag? You gotta let your readers know these things, man.”

Sullivan Flynn, the 39 year-old reviewer, gave up on completing the game fully after 59 hours and assigned the game a rather generous 3/10, making it clear she hadn’t completed it in the language of the review.

“Yeah, I know Bitter Billy,” sighed Flynn, familiar with the screenname and tone of comments already. “He mostly complains about how little he cares about my reviews, but also writes user reviews on the site. They’re mostly 1/10s for games he hasn’t played, but had ‘heard suck.’ But he also gave a 1 to the new Mortal Kombat for not having sexy enough costumes, so I dunno what that’s about. I always thought Mortal Kombat was a competitive fighting game with a lot of lore and content for solo players, but I guess the costumes are the integral part?”

Bitter Billy, however, defended his approach to criticism.

“I mean do you just STOP watching a TV show because you’re not enjoying it? NO! You keep watching and just call anyone who stops a stupid cuck with no attention span,” he said in a follow-up post. “You don’t walk out of a movie just because it’s clearly not made for you, you sit there and get pissed off that it’s wrong and threaten the first woman you can find! That’s how reality works outside the bubble these so-called critics are in!”

As of press time, Bitter Billy is really excited to go trick or treating this year.

20 Facts You Didn’t Know About Pokémon Red and Blue

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Pokémon has become the largest media franchise on the planet, and it all started with the original “generation one” games: Pokémon Red Version and Pokémon Blue Version. Today we take a look back at some little known facts about the origin point of this portable RPG series that took the world by storm, with 20 things you didn’t know about Pokémon Red and Blue.

#1 — Shellder was supposed to be the series mascot

Before Pikachu captured the hearts of gamers everywhere, Nintendo and Game Freak initially planned for Shellder to be the poster Pokémon for the series. Sadly, the little electric mouse’s charm and charisma forced Shellder to sit on the sidelines far, far away.

#2 – The concept for the game was inspired by series creator Satoshi Taijiri’s childhood memories of looking for bugs and killing them

Not many people know this, but the concept of hunting for collectible monsters and capturing them was inspired by Satoshi Taijiri’s many days spent outdoors as a child, hunting for bugs and stomping them to death.

#3 — The Kanto region is inspired by a region in Japan that sadly contains zero monsters

The Kanto region is loosely based on a region in Japan of the same name. And by loosely, I mean there aren’t any fire breathing dragons or monsters with crippling psychic powers.

#4 — “MissingNo.” was not a mistake

MissingNo., which is shorthand for “Missing Number”, is a famous glitch within the original Pokémon games. What many don’t know is that MissingNo. is an actual, real Pokémon that the developers were afraid to admit they made on purpose after everyone started calling it a glitch.

#5 — Bill was originally going to have a friend named Jeff

The character Bill, who invented the PokéBox system for storing Pokémon, shares his namesake with Bill Gates, inventor of Microsoft. Originally, he was going to have a friend named “Jeff E.” who would fly him around to different areas on the world map, including some islands that resided in a “legal gray area”, as he put it, but this was cut just before the game’s release for some reason.

#6 — Pokémon could sometimes die during the trading process

Due to Pokémon having to be traded across a narrow Game Boy link cable, every once in a while some would not make it through and would get crushed to death in the process.

#7 — Pokémon Yellow was supposed to be Pokémon Purple

In what would become tradition in the series for a number of games, the initial “third entry” for generation one was supposed to be Pokémon Purple Version, and was set to feature Shellder on the cover. The game was fully programmed and everything, but was changed to feature Pikachu at the last moment due to his popularity in the anime series.

#8 — The Elite Four are a global cabal that pull the strings throughout the entire Pokémon world

That’s right, they’re not just incredibly strong Pokémon trainers– the Elite Four actually control a large portion of the information that gets communicated from region to region, causing many NPCs to become conspiracy theorists documenting their every move. “INVESTIGATE LAVENDER TOWN!!”

#9 — The games were incredibly expensive to make

A little known fact is that the budget on these games was absolutely astronomical. People wonder why The Pokémon Company has to release a new mainline game every year, and it’s because they’re still paying off their debt from the loan they took out to finish Red and Blue versions.

#10 — The games were originally supposed to star Mario

Like many Nintendo IPs that hadn’t become fully formed ideas just yet, the initial plan was for the games to star Mario characters. Mario would set out to collect different types of Toads, pitting them in violent battle against each other, but this was obviously scrapped.

#11 — Pokémon are eaten by humans

Many have theorized on whether people eat Pokémon within the Pokémon universe, and what they even taste like, and the truth is, yes! Pokémon are a delicacy enjoyed by human beings in the Pokémon world, and they taste amazing cut up, cooked, and served fresh. Especially the cute ones!

#12 — Team Rocket were trying to liberate Pokémon from their captors

As stated above, Pokémon are eaten and kept captive by human beings. If you read between the lines in the original game’s plot, however, Team Rocket are a liberation force acting like this world’s PETA, attempting to set them free from their human masters.

#13 — Professor Oak is now selling NFTs

Despite being well past their point of relevancy, if you can even call it that, Professor Oak is canonically schilling NFTs within the game’s world, and has largely isolated himself from his friends and loved ones.

#14 — Poké Balls were a last minute suggestion from Michael Jordan

The Chicago Bulls were just as much of a popular phenomenon in the 1990s as Pokémon was. When trying to decide on how to capture the monsters and carry them around, Michael Jordan called Nintendo one day and simply said the word “basketball.” The concept was later tweaked slightly, and Poké Balls were invented.

#15 — Some people still refuse to admit there are more than 151 Pokémon

Commonly referred to as “genwunners”, there are still many aging millennials who refuse to acknowledge that there is more than the initial first generation of Pokémon. Kinda like how some people refused to acknowledge that Alaska and Hawaii are US states.

#16 — The games will be remade until the end of time

According to a contract stipulation between Nintendo, Game Freak, and The Pokémon Company, the original first generation of Pokémon games are required to be remade once every 5-10 years. Get ready to re-experience the magic of the Kanto region over and over again!

#17 — The type advantage system was purely a coincidence

Many have praised the robust Pokémon type chart system for being reasonably balanced and concise, but the developers confirmed that it was all kind of a big coincidence that just ended up working out. Fire being strong against grass makes sense, but the seams start to show when you sit down and wonder why flying is strong against fighting. The answer? A happy coincidence!

#18 — The soundtrack was originally composed by Junichi Masuda to be a rock opera

The memorable 8-bit tunes of the original Pokémon soundtrack are incredibly iconic. Turns out that composer Junichi Masuda originally intended them to accompany a rock opera he had been writing. Thankfully, the plot of the rock opera was also about a young boy setting out to collect Pocket Monsters, so nothing was lost in translation.

#19 — Nintendo tried to get a passage added to the bible stating “thou shalt not download ROM hacks”

Due to the growing popularity of Pokémon ROM hacks, Nintendo tried to convince publishers to add an additional commandment to the bible dissuading players from downloading ROM hacks of their games.

#20 — The games will always sell like hotcakes no matter what

Thanks to the precedent set in place by the original release of Pokémon Red Version and Pokémon Blue Version, every single sequel since then has and will continue to set record shattering sales numbers, no matter how buggy they might be.

Geoff Keighley Promises Three Wishes to the First Person Who Can Tackle Him at the Game Awards

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Brad Waters

LOS ANGELES — Gaming Awards presenter Geoff Keighley has just posed a challenge to daring gamers everywhere ahead of this December’s Game Awards.

“Guys, I’m so excited to show you this,” said Keighley, unzipping his hoodie on a recent Zoom call promoting December’s show. “It’s a bulletproof utility belt laced with army knives and stun guns. As you can see, I’ve become an impenetrable one-man fortress.”

When the presentation’s chat asked him the meaning of his elaborate weaponry, Keighley was all too happy to divulge.

“Well, you see, gamers, now, if any of you fucked up weirdos decide you wanna rush the stage and start babbling about GTA 6 or whatever dumb shit — you’re gonna get a tummy full of STAB!” he explained, thrusting his pelvis into the camera. “As a matter of fact, I want you to try! I want you to send all the obsessive, invasive freaks you’ve got at me at this year’s Game Awards: ‘cos I wanna see ‘em all balled up in a heap on the ground. Hell, I’ll even sweeten the deal! First person to successfully tackle me at the show in December gets three wishes. GTA 6, a new Banjo-Kazooie, Kojima’s nudes, you can have it all. Whatever you want. I dare you to step to me, motherfuckers.”

Many gamers are reportedly up for the challenge.

“Whoa! Three wishes, really!? And I haven’t even gotta find his lamp? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me,” said local gamer Darren Davidson, who then went on to demonstrate his supposed strategy for the tackle by swinging from his curtains. “I know he’s got knives and tasers so I’m gonna come in from a high angle like I’m in Spider-Man 2! Maybe I’ll bring a rope and tie it over a balcony railing or something! I’m gonna wish for Skyrim on Apple Watch once I do it.”

As of press time, countless gamers have been spotted wielding dangerous weapons and tackling each other all across the west coast in preparation for December’s Game Awards.

Report: Pokémon League Suppressed Concussion Research

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

INDIGO PLATEAU — An independent investigation has confirmed that high-level administrators at the Pokémon League conspired to suppress research that showed Pokémon battling could lead to long-term neurological trauma.

“It is clear that the league intentionally directed internal teams not to pursue research that could hurt the popularity of their sport,” said Pallet Town’s Professor Oak at a press conference. “They also had a chilling effect on independent scientists by threatening legal action and offering bribes, both direct and indirect. My colleague Professor Kukui recently finished a paper showing that successive critical hits have a compounding effect on a Pokémon’s cognitive ability. Then the league approached him with an offer to expand into Alola. That paper was never published.”

Pokémon League representatives deny the report’s claims.

“The health of our trainers’ Pokémon is and always has been our primary concern,” said Charles Goodshow, head of the league’s competition committee. “Why do you think we set up all those Pokémon centers around the world? Do you think it’s cheap to support a vast network of free healthcare facilities that instantly heal all of a Pokémon’s physical wounds so that they can get right back into the fight? Of course it isn’t, but it’s a price we’re willing to pay so that the show can go on.”

Many trainers across the world were both unsurprised and unconcerned with the findings in the report.

“It seems pretty obvious to me that some of these moves would have lasting effects,” said Ethan Silver, a champion trainer from the Johto region. “Even things like Headbutt would clearly be a concussion risk, and that’s to say nothing of moves where Pokémon wield immense elemental powers as though they were gods. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, though. These creatures may be shortening their lives, but they’re trading that for a chance to be immortalized in the Pokémon League Hall of Fame. That seems worth the risk to me.”

At press time, newly released television ratings for the Pokémon League showed that the report had no effect on viewership.

AI Perpetuates Unrealistic Standard Of How Weird A Woman’s Hands Should Look

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Travis Tack

WELLESLEY, Mass. — A recently published comprehensive study found spikes in depression and low self-esteem among groups that were regularly exposed to AI-generated images with weird looking fingers, the first to scientifically establish a clear link between artificial intelligence and negative finger-image among adolescents.

“I only have five fingers per hand, is there something wrong with me?” asked 15 year-old Ashlee Plimpton. “Every day, I see pictures of women with seven index fingers or two thumbs and I think to myself: ‘why can’t that be me?’ That’s how all my friends feel. One girl I know even paid to have a second set of knuckles sewed onto the end of her hand.”

The study was led by Elena Gertz, professor of Women’s Studies at Wellesley College.

“A.I. Images foster a culture of ‘competition and comparison’. It has these young women setting themselves up for failure by basing their self-worth around unattainable finger-types,” she explained. “It’s no longer enough to be smart or funny or beautiful, you also need to look weird when holding a cup.”

Of course, while manual-dysmorphia primarily affects women, men are not immune. A recent study found that 40% of men reported feelings of insecurity after seeing AI-generated images.

“I work with my hands, so it’s a constant reminder,” lamented a male carpenter that wished to remain anonymous in case someone tried to make fun of him. “But you can’t spend your whole life worrying how you compare to a reanimated Marlon Brando with worm hands. You just can’t. I’m trying to do better with that.”

Currently, finger modification is frowned on by most of the medical community, but that hasn’t quelled demand. Young people are going to great, and possibly unsafe, lengths to achieve these sought after body-types, driven by the need to keep up with their classmates.

“One of the eighth-graders found a guy on the Dark Web,” Plimpton explained. “For $7000, he’ll inject you with local anesthetic then smash your hand with a big hammer.”

“That Stuff Gives Me The Heebie Jeebies,” Our Interview With Vince Gilligan

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Kevin Podas

We sat down with legendary TV showrunner Vince Gilligan, creator of Breaking Bad, El Camino, and Better Call Saul, to ask him about his work ethic, creative process, and what makes him tick.

So, ever try meth?

“Golly, well no, not me. Unless you count the prop stuff we had on the set of Breaking Bad. But that’s just blue rock candy, and I do love me some candy. (laughter)”

What does that mean anyway, Breaking Bad?

“Honestly, it was just something that Aaron Paul kept saying on set when we first shot the pilot episode. None of us knew what it meant but he said it was such enthusiasm that we just ended up calling the show that. Originally it was gonna be something stupid like ‘The Whites’ but that just didn’t work out for a number of reasons.”

When writing ***Better Call Saul*, did you and your staff find you had a lot to learn about the law?**

“Oh god, yeah, we knew next to nothing going in. For example, did you know that in New Mexico you can get arrested for giving a cigarette to a dog? See, I had no idea, and had we not brushed up on it I could have easily found myself in jail.”

You previously wrote for X-Files. Was it a challenge to write for something more grounded to reality like Breaking Bad?

“I mean, yeah, originally we had this alien character that Jesse Pinkman was supposed to pal around and do meth with. You know, one of those classic, big headed ‘gray’ types. The rest of the staff pushed back on it though, and we ended up swapping him out for Skinny Pete. Pretty seamless switch, honestly.”

Did any actors ever give you a hard time on set?

“No, not at all. We actually kept the prop severed head of Tortuga on set, you know, Danny Trejo’s character, as sort of a warning to anybody who felt like acting up. It certainly kept Jonathan Banks in line, that’s for sure.”

Did you ever expect Breaking Bad to become such a popular worldwide phenomenon?

“Yes.”

Creating a successful spin-off series is a notably daunting task few have ever accomplished. Were you ever worried that Better Call Saul would fall flat for fans?

“No.”

You recently had some choice words to say about AI. Do you really feel it is a threat to humanity that could bring on the end times?

“Absolutely. Think about it: if this interview were AI, we could never have this lovely conversation, could we? We could never get to know each other like this so intimately.”

That’s so true, bestie.

“Y’all are too kind over here, I swear.”

Did you ever get a chance to eat at the Los Pollos Hermanos pop-up restaurant?

“I did! But I got kicked out for trying to deep fry a twinkie and my watch.”

There can sometimes be a fair amount of violence and gore in your work. Do you consider yourself to be a violent man?

“Oh golly, no, not me. That stuff gives me the heebie jeebies, to tell you the truth. I just find it therapeutic to bring some of my intrusive thoughts to life. For example, Skinny Pete is actually my sleep paralysis demon.”

Is there a reason that Jesse Pinkman really liked Funyuns?

“Yeah actually, I was born and raised in a Frito Lay house. My father was a Funyun man, as was his father before him. It only felt right to pay them some respect like that.”

Was it ever challenging to rein in actors with comedic backgrounds?

“Oh, god, you have no idea. You ever been to a Planet Fitness, where they have that big ‘lunk alarm’ that sounds off if people start dropping weights? We had to install one of those on set any time Odenkirk and Cranston started goofing off. That really shut ‘em up.”

Do you prefer living in New Mexico over Los Angeles?

“Yeah, it’s great here. Obviously I miss living close to the industry and all that, but I’m basically hailed as a god here. I mean, they built a set of statues for me and everything. My goal is to one day become mayor of Albuquerque and quit show business forever.”

You ever try throwing pizzas on top of the Walter White house?

“Yeah, it’s become sort of a morning ritual for me. I’m the reason they had to set up that fence around the property, though. That’s okay, they’re just playing hard to get.”

Are there any cast members that you are particularly proud of since starring in your shows?

“Oh yeah, they’ve all gone on to do amazing things since then. Jesse Plemons hasn’t taken my calls much lately ever since he became pals with Scorsese, though.”

So I’m scrolling through your Wikipedia page and it says here you’re from… Richmond, Virginia?

“Come on, man.”

Sorry, that’s really lazy and unprofessional– oh yeah, you worked on a short-lived X-Files spin-off series at one point, The Lone Gunmen.

“Tragically short-lived, yeah. Some people say it was because of that 9/11 episode. I guess the Bush administration already had pitched the idea elsewhere so of course they got dibs and put the kibosh on my show.”

Have you tried the mezcal that Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul are selling?

“That’s kind of a bitter subject, actually. They kept pitching formulas to each other on set instead of memorizing their gosh darn lines, and it really became a problem. I told ’em, ‘you better knock that monkey business off until the show is over,’ and you know what, they listened.”

With Better Call Saul being over, do you have any plans to return to the Breaking Bad universe?

“Well right now I’m pitching around a Skinny Pete spin-off simply titled The Skinny Pete Spin-Off. I’ve got a handful of networks that I’m currently in the negotiating stages with.”

‘Halo 2’ Enemy AI Actually Writes Pretty Good Spec Script

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Joe Tilleli

NEW MOMBASA — There’s been a ton of hubbub in the news lately about generative AI with images from by DALL·E and Microsoft Bing and text from the ChatGBT language model. While many assumed this technology was new, it appears the enemy AI of the Xbox game Halo 2 has been capable of creative writing since its release in 2004.

“With Halo 2, we pioneered some new AI technologies that are still being used in games today,” stated Jaime Griesemer, design lead for Halo 2. “We designed our enemy AI to follow a set of behavior trees which determine their aggression and make real-time choices while engaging with the player. When you take out a squad’s Elite, the Grunts will frantically flee in all directions. What we hadn’t realized at the time is that if you let a Grunt get far enough away from battle, he’ll eventually quit the military and enroll himself at Full Sail University.”

The rare behavior was first discovered by Halo 2 speedrunner Booboo420 and shared in a video to his YouTube channel.

“While routing new opportunities for sequence breaking in Outskirts, I started following a frightened Grunt as far as he would go,” said Booboo420. “After many hours, he swapped his needler for a MacBook Air and began typing away. Once I posted the video, the [Halo 2 speedrunning] community has been able to replicate the behavior with ease. It even appears the game difficulty affects the complexity of the AI’s writing. On Legendary, he generated a psychological crime thriller with anticapitalistic themes and homages to 1970s cinema. On Easy, he just wrote a verbatim copy of Grandma’s Boy.”

With the Writer’s Guild of America (WGA) strike ending in September, and tons of new stipulations regarding the use of AI in Hollywood, it is unlikely the Halo 2 Grunt will be able to sell his spec script to a studio without massive ramifications.

“We worked hard for a contract which ensures AI can’t be used to write or rewrite any scripts or treatments,” tweeted Adam Conover who serves on the WGA West Board of Directors. “I’m a gamer myself. I can assure you Grunt heads are not filled with good ideas. They’re filled with confetti, waiting to burst by my bullets and scatter across the room.”

At press time, the Grunt AI managed to order Dominos pizza to a speedrunner’s house.

‘The Eras Tour’ Movie Ending Explained: What To Expect in Phase 2 of the Taylor Swift Cinematic Universe

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Saad Khan

Taylor Swift’s new film The Eras Tour opened to widespread praise and a huge box office that all but guarantees a sequel. But the film’s labyrinthine plotting and non-linear narrative are likely to have left many viewers confused. We’ll explain exactly what happened in the film’s ending, as well as what it means for the all-but-guaranteed Phase 2 of the Taylor Swift Cinematic Universe.

Spoilers follow for those who haven’t seen the film.

The film’s narrative jumps back and forth in time to different parts of Taylor’s life, covering nine different “eras”, as the title implies. While this may leave viewers a bit disoriented, the ending grounds things by bringing the story into the present day, ending with Taylor’s most recent era: Midnights. So viewers can orient themselves with the knowledge that the ending takes place in the present day, and the rest of the film was told in flashback.

With this in mind, we can look at the film’s hints about what’s to come in Phase 2 of the TSCU.

For one, there’s a timeline that’s notably missing: Taylor’s first era. The audience isn’t told Taylor Swift’s origin story or how she got her powers in the first place, so a prequel film set in her Debut era is likely in Phase 2.

Taylor also introduces the possibility of a multiverse during the Reputation timeline. One line of dialogue states that the old Taylor is “dead”, meaning there’s a good chance the multiple Taylors we see could actually be alternate universe versions. Taylor is no stranger to the concept of a multiverse. The re-records of her previously released albums, each one dubbed “Taylor’s Version”, are themselves alternate universe versions of each record, so a multiverse would be a natural next step for the TSCU.

But there is another, darker explanation for this multiverse tease as well. At one point the film makes a clear reference to the film The Prestige, when Taylor jumps below the stage and is shown swimming through a tank of water. In The Prestige, Hugh Jackman’s magician character drops himself below the stage into a tank of water each night, killing himself as a machine makes a new clone of him. Putting this together with the line about the old Taylor being “dead”, it may be likely that each Taylor we see is literally a new version of her and not an alternate universe version. There’s clearly more going on than meets the eye, and Phase 2 will likely shed more light on this.

Taylor also has a rich rogues gallery of supervillains that will likely feature in Phase 2: Kanye West, Karlie Kloss, and the person she has the most bad blood with, the one holding her original songs hostage: Scooter Braun. It will be exciting to see who plays these iconic characters, and there have already been casting shakeups behind the scenes, with Travis Kelce taking up the mantle of Taylor Swift’s boyfriend after Joe Alwyn stepped down. While it’s unclear why Alwyn left the role, Kelce is looking to be a promising casting choice.

Fans know all too well that Taylor is a mastermind and does not do things accidentally. You can’t just see an obvious tease and shake it off. I knew the film would be trouble when I walked in, that everything would mean something. And while Phase 2 may be a blank space right now, in just a few cruel summers we will have our answers. 1989.

32-Year-Old’s Scarcity Mindset Attributed To Growing Up Playing ‘Resident Evil’

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Corey Arbor

KENTFIELD, Calif. — Local lifelong Resident Evil fan Scott Josephs, 32, has baffled researchers for years by having the scarcity mindset of a dustbowl farmer in the early 20th century, despite growing up in an affluent California suburb, sources confirmed.

“I’m just making sure we’re well-prepared!” insisted Josephs showing off his pantry that was stocked like open war was being waged a block away. “You never know when you will suddenly be out of food, weapons, or ink for your typewriter, you know? Best to just hang on to as much as you can at all costs and only use it when you’re sure it’s absolutely necessary. I’ve been this way ever since I was a kid, not really sure why.”

A breakthrough occurred when Scott’s mother Peggy off-handedly mentioned that he’d play early Resident Evil games on trips to his grandparents’ house.

“He once complained all week about not having enough ammo to kill a Tyrant,” she said. “Survival-horror’s never been my thing, I assumed he was just listening to his grandpa’s war stories. Come to think of it though, He did always finish his RPGs with 20 megalixers in his inventory. Maybe we should have explained that good video games are generally tuned so the player can progress naturally and that hoarding can create unnecessary challenge and lead to an unsatisfying final battle. It’s probably too late now, I suppose.”

Josephs is skeptical that his exposure to Resident Evil games has given him a scarcity mindset.

“I mean, yes, I was young and stupid, throwing out handgun ammo like it was candy at Halloween and yes, I had a panic attack and used all my magnum ammo on those spiders,” he said. “And after spending an entire afternoon being dismembered by an unstoppable murder nightmare that I never got closure by defeating, I may have taken more stock of what we needed around the house. But I think people just like to have answers more than they like asking questions.”

These days, Josephs can be found in YouTube and Twitch chat claiming that people playing modern survival horror games are “already dead,” anytime they miss a single shot and “have no idea what they’re doing,” anytime they don’t consult a walkthrough for each step of their first playthrough of a game.

“I’m very well-adjusted,” Josephs insisted as he purchased a 25-pound tub of flavorless gruel from an anti-government militia’s website.