Just to Be Safe, Local Smash Bros Tournament Bans Anyone Named Steve

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LINCOLN, Neb. — Shine On, You Crazy Diamond 2023, a local Super Smash Bros. Ultimate tournament has decided to ban anyone named Steve from competing next month, just in case.

“We want to make this tournament fair and fun for all competitors, and unfortunately, Steve is just a game-breaking character that we feel needs to be removed from competitive play. The problem, however, is that we don’t have a large enough staff to justify just banning Steve’s infinite combos or unfair techniques, so we are forced to ban the entire character. And that includes any players named Steve, as well,” explained tournament organizer Alec Cooper. “Whether they were planning on playing as Steve or any other character, we have no way of knowing if anyone named Steve will be using what we consider illegal techniques during games. As for anyone named Steven, Stephan, or Enderman, we will be making decisions on those name choices shortly. We hope to run as smooth a tournament as possible.”

Players entered into the tournament, like with all Smash Bros related news, were conflicted upon hearing the decision, and began several explosive arguments on various social media sites.

“Honestly, I’m really glad to hear this,” said one player, Paige Harper. “I saw some clips floating around online with Steve pulling off insane infinites and he looks totally busted. Just get rid of that shit. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure that guy who modded a Wii to cheat in Melee with Pichu all those years ago was named Steve, so it’s probably better safe than sorry to just get rid of them all.”

“This is such bullshit. I entered into this tournament and I’m playing fucking Pyra/Mythra, and now I can’t even enter?!” said banned competitor Steve Ward. “I’ve defended this community through sexual assault drama, stinky player drama, accusations of playing a ‘dead game,’ and more, and now I’m kicked out of the scene just because my first name happens to match that of a character from Minecraft. You know what? Leffen was right about this game. I’m not sure about what, but he seems really mad all the time, so I’m sure he was right about something. And no, I’m not adding a fucking N to the end of my name.”

“See this is why I just play Melee,” said Daniela Hancock. “It came out 22 years ago perfectly formed and never needed a single change. No notes. Except wobbling, planking, and Jigglypuff. Those all need to go.”

At press time, Shine On, You Crazy Diamond 2023 decided to unban the character several hours later after more tweets seemed to be trending towards supporting that argument. No decisions have been made about players named Steve, however.

Paul Rudd’s Family Begging Him to Stop Talking About What We Can Expect in Phase Five of the MCU

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Immediate family members of Ant-Man star Paul Rudd have reportedly begged him to stop informing them all what they could expect from the next series of Marvel films, sources have confirmed. 

“Oh god stop it, just stop,” said Julie Yaeger, Rudd’s wife, after he went on this third unprompted monologue of the day about Kang and what his introduction means to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. “I thought he was annoying enough when his damn Chiefs won the Super Bowl again, but this is a hundred times worse. My husband used to be a cool, fun guy. I’d get excited when he’d come home or show up somewhere, but now I just know he’s just going to go on some long winded explanation of why it’s actually fine that this newest movie lacks the charm and premise of the first two and is mostly being used to prop up the next two years of bland movies. I miss my husband!” 

Members of Rudd’s community have echoed his wife’s sentiments. 

“When I first moved in next to [Paul Rudd], I thought it was going to be the coolest thing,” said Chuck Folden, who unknowingly bought the house next to Rudd last year. “It’s been absolute torture, if I’m being honest. The other day he brought over a piece of my mail he accidentally got and by the end he’d made me promise to watch Loki, Shang-Chi, and Ms. Marvel before I went to see his new movie. He’s just so likable, I don’t know how he got me to do that. I better avoid him for a while, I don’t want to watch all that shit!” 

President of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige recently admitted in an interview that perhaps Paul Rudd had been going a bit far with his promotion of Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania. 

“We were so excited to get Paul involved with the Avengers, for all of the obvious reasons,” he said in a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly. “However, we also understand that his enthusiasm has largely rubbed people the wrong way. His recent appearance on Jimmy Fallon was unhinged, and we don’t think his violence was at all warranted. Paul is just so passionate about these characters, you understand, and he didn’t like the way Jimmy was smiling at him as he talked about the dangers Kang posed to all of our favorite Marvel characters.” 

As of press time, Rudd had piled his family into the car under false pretenses, secretly taking them to their fourth screening of Ant-Man. 

Inscryption Fans Will Love This: A YouTuber Has Been Murdered

Posted on by Camden Brazile

Calling all Inscryption fans! Your favorite indie deck-building game just had another installment, this time inexplicably crossing over into the real world. That’s right — while it may not be an official release from Devolver Digital, a new Inscryption-like property has occurred: a YouTuber has just been murdered!

Just like Luke “The Lucky Carder” Carder at the cryptic found-footage climax of the endlessly entertaining Inscryption plotline, an innocent YouTuber has been mysteriously killed in cold blood by an unknown assailant. For Inscryption fans, this is as good as it gets. While we wait idly by for a sequel or a spin-off, this ritualistic dismemberment of an online personality is the perfect thing to tide us over. 

For anyone looking to get into Inscryption, this is a great place to start. Research the case, check the autopsy reports, and if seeing the gruesome coroner’s report has you excited to learn more, we have just the game for you. Sure, after this news story, the ending of the game has been spoiled for you, but you will only appreciate the homicide detective’s current timeline after playing the amazing game it’s clearly based on. 

After completing the game, you’ll undoubtedly be hungry for more, so don’t be afraid to go back through the game, piece together oblique hints and easter eggs, or go out into the world and kill a YouTuber of your choosing! Or if you’re a true, dedicated fan, you can always trap them inside your remote cabin with puzzles and minigames to be solved around the room, only for them to meet their demise at your all-powerful hand anyway! 

So go forth, Inscryption crew, and let’s see that devotion to what GameSpot called “one of the most inventive indie games of the last five years” and the mayor called “one of the most brutal homicide’s this city has ever seen!”

Hey this is sponsored by Devolver Digital! If you want to fully experience the murder of this YouTuber, do yourself a favor and go play Inscryption. It’s just $20 on Steam right now.

Octopath Traveler 2 Best Secondary Job Guide: Best Sub-Jobs

Posted on by Michael Czar

In Octopath Traveler 2, each of the eight playable characters has their own class: their own abilities, skills and weaknesses. But, just like the original Octopath Traveler, characters can eventually add a secondary job called a Sub-Job, which gives them more flexibility as the game progresses.

Each character can essentially dip their toes into one of the other characters’ classes as a secondary job in Octopath Traveler 2, making them stronger. You can go wild with these combinations, making something fun or going for something powerful. This guide will focus on which combos work best in-game and why. 

One more thing to mention is that both the original Octopath Traveler and its sequel have secret Sub-Jobs, ones you can only get through very specific moments in the story. Since those jobs are a bit tougher to obtain, though, this guide will primarily focus on the standard eight Sub-Jobs. 

Here are some of the best potential secondary jobs in Octopath Traveler 2, making your party stronger as you get through the story.

Hikari: Warrior combos well with Hunter

Hikari Ku is the Prince of Hinoeuma, disgraced after being branded a traitor. As a Warrior, his skills reside in sword-fighting and polearm attacks. His stats reflect that, with a high attack and a good spread overall.

When it comes to finding a secondary job that fits Hikari best in Octopath Travler 2, it’s hard to argue with the Hunter class. What combining these two classes does is that it gives Hikari a wide array of weapons to use in combat. Hunters naturally use axes and bows in combat, so giving the strong physical attacker Hikari the ability to use those weapons makes him the ultimate fighter.

This doesn’t mean Hunter is the only good choice though. Apothecary and Merchant as two other good options to try out after finishing with the Warrior class.

Osvald: Scholar & Merchant make sense together

Osvald V. Vanstein is a renowned scholar who was framed for the murder of his family. Despite his great work as a Scholar trying to understand what he referred to as the ‘One True Magic’, he was betrayed and left to riot in a cell.

For post-scholar Sub-Jobs, Merchant is great thanks to its synergy with the Scholar class. Merchants inherently get benefits for spells and their SP, which can make Osvald an even stronger mage. Plus, with Merchant, there are abilities to regain both HP and SP, which can make Osvald more self-sustaining in a party.

As for other potential Sub-Job choices, you can also try Cleric and Apothecary to make Osvald a healer as well.

Castti: Apothecary and Scholar can dump out serious numbers

Castti Florenz is an amnesiac, sent adrift at sea. After getting rescued by some locals, her name is stitched into her clothing and her journals are the only things she can use to regain her memory. As an Apothecary, she does a lot of single-target healing, including getting rid of status problems, but also can use her knowledge to harm if needed.

When it comes to Apothecary Sub-Jobs, Scholar can lead to some powerful combinations. On top of having great single-target healing, you can also do great single-target damage. Then, as the abilities go on, you can make Castti a great flexible member of your party.

For other choices, Cleric and Merchant stand out as ways to improve on the base Apothecary class.

Ochette: Hunter and Thief work very well together

Ochette is a Hunter who works alongside a fox named Akalā and her owl named Mahina. Living on the isle of Toto’Hana, her carefree nature is disrupted after signs of an incoming calamity.

For good Sub-Jobs, there are two main options, and the first would just be a re-tread of the Hikari combination earlier. So, Thief is the second option. As mentioned earlier, the Hunter class is known for axes and bows, so adding swords, daggers and fire magic from Thief makes the combination an offensive force. Plus, with the addition of debuff abilities, this combo can wreak havoc on your opponents.

The other good Sub-Job options include Warrior and Dancer, both making Hunter even more versatile.

Best Secondary Job (Temenos): Cleric and Dancer makes for a great support

Temenos Mistral is a Cleric, an inquisitor who works in a peaceful small town. After getting wind of chaos coming to his land, he sees a mentor die and questions the mystery behind it.

For Cleric, the best secondary job in Octopath Traveler 2 is Dancer. Cleric’s best ability is team-wide healing, so Dancer gives Temenos the ability to do team-wide buffs as well. Plus, getting the ability to use daggers on top of staffs is a nice addition in combat.

Some other good Sub-Job options include Scholar and Thief, both stacking well with Cleric’s abilities.

Agnea: Dancer and Scholar can lead to big damage

Agnea Bristarni is a Dancer, a tavern dancer looking to travel the world and garner the same popularity as her mother and bring joy to fans far and wide.

For Sub-Jobs, Dancer and Scholar is the best combination. The Dancer class is designed to help buff your teammates while giving the ability to do both dagger attacks and a Wind attack. What Scholar offers is many more magic attacks, turning a support character into one that can do a lot of damage. Adding those extra magic damage types makes Agnea a capable wizard on top of being a great buff dealer.

Other good options for Sub-Jobs include Apothecary and Cleric, options that can turn Agnea into a healer hybrid over a damage hybrid.

Octopath Traveler 2 Secondary Job Guide (Partito): Merchant & Thief

Partitio Yellowil is a Merchant, who saw his town go from ahead of the curve to on the brink. He looks to travel the world and eliminate poverty, to prevent what happened to his town to happen to anyone else.

The strongest Sub-Job for Merchant is Thief, and it just works both in theory and gameplay. Merchant runs bows and Fire magic, with money-related abilities and a way to recover HP and SP. Thief works great with it thanks to the addition of swords and daggers, as well as Dark magic. Basically, adding Thief makes the Merchant better in physical combat while keeping the recovery abilities of the Merchant.

The other best Sub-Job options for Merchant include Apothecary and Warrior.

Throné: Thief and Apothecary make a deadly combo

Last but not least, Throné Anguis is a Thief, part of a guild that steals and kills to control their city. She seeks to leave the city, break the cycle and look for freedom.

Out of all the possible Octopath Traveler 2 secondary job options, Hunter makes the most sense to combo with Thief, but we already listed that combo. Another good option is the Apothecary, giving the Thief a solo-heal option on top of status cures and poison effects.

Other good combos with Thief include Merchant and Dancer.

Rust is The Best Way to Have Long Talks with Friends A Couple Times A Week

Posted on by Phil Matthews

If you’re looking for a way to virtually hang out with your friends for several hours a couple times a week, Rust is your game. Rust is a survival game developed by Facepunch Studios and published by Double Eleven. It is a multiplayer game where you and your team will have to survive the harsh environment of a randomly-generated map, building a base out of raw materials which exists even after you log off (along with your sleeping body).

The game’s base-maintaining requirements mean that you’ll be in touch with your core team members several times throughout the week, and probably be chatting on Discord for hours. Who maintained the base? Were we raiding? When are we all getting on to go destroy our neighbors’ dreams?

It’s a great way to virtually hang out with friends, or even make new ones, no matter where they live. The game also has a map wipe mechanic which means that every session is like another page in a story book you’re writing in real time with your team and every other player on your server. Your game can effectively come to an end before the map gets wiped — by having your base totally raided, or you can become king of the island. Then, the map wipes and it all starts over again! 

One of the most enjoyable parts of Rust is the creative but practical base building dynamics. Building your own base is essential if you want to survive the harsh environment, but if you make it too big, it’s expensive. Also, if you unknowingly build a weakness in it, then it could get raided easier.

Your base is the only safe place for you and your team, and it’s your responsibility to maintain it. You have to build walls, towers, and other defenses to fend off enemies and raiders. It’s like a multiplayer FPS tower defense game where you need to use your creativity to build an impenetrable fortress. It’s kinda like building a house in the Sims online, but in a post apocalyptic world, and you equip it with incredibly deadly weapons.

Rust is similar to other survival games such as Ark: Survival Evolved or Stranded Deep or basically anything where you start with a rock and have to hit a tree. But Rust has a uniquely powerful lure to those of us who want to feel like they are under siege with some friends, which forces you to use a lot of teamwork and communication. 

Basically, you’ll stay in touch with friends by playing this game. And that rules.

For me, Rust is the best way to talk to my male friends for several hours a couple times a week. And honestly, there’s no way I’d rather stay in touch with my friends across the country than to coordinate the home break in, robbery, and murder of our neighbors. It’s just damn fun.

Rust is definitely for:

  • People who want to stay in touch with friends
  • Men who need something to do for several hours, long enough to get to an emotional conversation or catch up
  • People who like multiplayer survival games

And is not for:

  • Those who fear catastrophic losses in video games
  • Those who fear time sink

You can purchase Rust for PS4, Xbox One, or Steam.

It Gets Worse: Birth Certificate Reveals Doug Bowser’s Middle Name Is ‘King Boo’

Posted on by Camden Brazile

PASADENA, Calif —-  Nintendo fans were shocked after a recent reveal from the company that Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser’s middle name is King Boo. 

“Guys, I just don’t know what to say,” [the human] Bowser said at an emergency press conference Friday. “Before you ask, neither of my parents had ever played a single video game before, let alone a Mario title. It was a genuine, pure coincidence. The Bowser clan hails back to seventeenth century Ireland, and ‘King Boo’ was meant to be a tribute to my late grandfather King Boo who died when my father was young. I was as surprised as anybody to learn that there is also a Mario villain called King Boo. Next they’re going to tell me that one of my siblings has a Mario name like my brother Brian or my little sister Birdo.”

Nintendo fans seemed split on whether or not the reveal was beneficial or a red flag. 

“This is…this can’t be happening,” said Nintendo fan Andrew Cromwell. “I was able to accept that his last name could be Bowser, but this goes too far. I don’t know if this means I can’t trust him, someone named after two evil villains notorious for kidnapping people or destroying the world, or maybe this means he’s the ideal candidate to make Mario games, a person who lived their entire life named after multiple iconic Mario characters.”

Legendary Nintendo designer Shigeru Miyamoto believes the name is no coincidence.

“I thought it was just luck, pure happenstance, but then one day I saw Mr. Bowser’s mushroom-shaped birthmark on his back. He is the one that the prophecies foretold to lead Nintendo,” Miyamoto said. “Years we have waited for the high-level executive to usher in a new renaissance for gaming, and we believe that Douglas King Boo Bowser is the chosen one. We name all our Mario villains after the etchings in our company scroll passed down from game director to game director, etchings we thought were random gibberish, until now.”

At press time, sources reported that the supposed coincidence deepened after fans realized Bowser shared a name with iconic Mario villain ‘Doug.”

Ms. Frizzle Fired After Sending School Bus of Children Up Guy’s Ass

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WALKERVILLE, N.Y. — Local teacher Valerie Frizzle was reportedly fired from Walkerville Elementary School after shrinking a school bus filled with children and sending it up a guy’s ass, according to those familiar with the situation.

“We have decided to let Ms. Frizzle go, after decades of teaching, due to an incident in which she led a school bus of children inside of a man’s asshole,” explained Walkerville Elementary principal Stephen Ruhle. “At this time, we are unsure what educational purposes this trip Ms. Frizzle claimed to provide, especially considering the class she was teaching was not a health or science class and was for third grade students. Traveling to other planets or frictionless environments are dangerous enough, but this time Ms. Frizzle has taken one step too far. We have a zero tolerance policy at this school and will not condone any sexually charged field trips from any teachers.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the man whose asshole students were sent inside was a former student of Frizzle’s named Ralph Tennelli.

“Oh god, what was I doing? What was I thinking?! I can’t go back to prison!” Tennelli was reportedly heard saying after being apprehended by police. “Ever since I got sick that one time as a kid and Frizzle had all the other students go inside my body, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I needed it to happen again. I needed something more! The things I did — oh god, I’m so fucked up.”

Various members of the Walkerville community and former students of Ms. Frizzle spoke about the situation.

“Ms. Frizzle would never do something that wasn’t educational! This is such BS,” said Wanda Li. “Maybe those kids should toughen up and get inside that guy’s asshole and learn a thing or two about whatever sciences Frizzle wanted them to learn about. She probably had some really awesome lecture about prostates or something and these kids aren’t gonna learn shit anymore. Shame on Walkerville Elementary.”

“Oh boy, oh my gosh, it’s just so scary what’s happening at our schools, oh no,” said Arnold Perlstein. “What a terrifying adventure these poor students must have gone through. I remember having Ms. Frizzle as a teacher and she terrorized me; all I wanted to do was stay in the classroom and read textbooks, but she forced me to go to the Arctic and back in time, and one time, to New Jersey. I’ve been in therapy practically my whole life!”

“Haha. That sucks ass! Get it?” said Carlos Ramon.

At press time, police had reportedly raided Frizzle’s home and confiscated a dead, stuffed chameleon.

Call of Duty MW2 Best Weapons Tier List (Season 2)

Posted on by Noah Hunter

With so many options, it can be challenging to pick the best weapons in Call of Duty MW2. Each gun has a variation of fire rate, magazine, and more that can ultimately change the battlefield in Modern Warfare 2.

Since different weapons can give you such a big advantage, using the best guns in the game is essential to setting yourself up for success. We’ve got you covered with the best guns available in Modern Warfare 2 ranked!

Fennec 45 – Best MW2 Ranked Guns

First up, we’ve got the Fennec 45, which most of you are probably extremely familiar with. This gun did recently get a slight nerf in the Season 2 update, however, it still is a great choice for a weapon with a fast and exceptional fire rate.

You can use the Fennec 45 in a variety of ways to slash through your opponents. It offers some of the fastest killing times in the game, which you should use to your benefit when in close or medium range of opponents. Pairing the Fennec with an assault rifle should serve you well in a game like Modern Warfare 2.

M4

The M4 is a great choice for anyone looking to have a reliable assault rifle in Modern Warfare 2. While it is not the best AR on this list, it can come in extremely handy as it offers a wide variety of attachments and tuning that you can adjust.

One of the biggest draws of the M4 in Modern Warfare 2 is the steady fire rate and controllable recoil. It won’t require immense precision like some of the LMGs, so you won’t need to aim along the fine wire.

Best Ranked Weapons (MW2): ISO Hemlock

The ISO Hemlock has quickly become one of the best guns you can use in Modern Warfare 2. This weapon is brand new to Season 2 and was made available to unlock via the Battle Pass.

While the overall firing rate is much heftier than some of the other options on this list, it offers more damage than those. This extra damage can help kill enemies quicker than if you were to use a gun with a faster firing rate. Additionally, recoil overall is minimal so you shouldn’t have any issues lining up some shots.

PDSW 528

The PDSW 528 is a fantastic choice for an SMG in MW2. In Season 2, it has received a buff that makes the gun even better than it was before. If you’re unfamiliar with this gun, it is basically the P90.

If you elect to use this SMG, make sure to add some attachments for both optics and barrel. With the large magazine, you will be able to tear through enemies with no problem at all.

Vaznev-9K (Best MW2 Weapons)

The Vaznev-9K is an elite SMG that you can use to spray your opponents all across the battlefield. By pairing this with a longer-ranged weapon such as an AR, you can ensure you have all areas covered when fighting enemies in Modern Warfare 2.

The Vaznev-9K has a very high damage output that can easily kill enemies throughout each of the maps. Using some of the available attachments, you can pair this weapon with an amazing counterpart, like the RPK.

RPK

The RPK is one of the hottest guns available in Modern Warfare 2 right now. It is an LMG that can be modified to practically act as an assault rifle. Since this is the case, the range it has is very impressive and gives it a huge advantage against any other players using standard assault rifles.

It has a massive barrel that contains 75 bullets, with the ability to reload multiple times once the chamber is empty. If you want an AR that can do it all, look no further than the RPK.

Best MW2 Weapons: TAQ-56

The TAQ-56 is one of the best assault rifles in Modern Warfare 2. When properly equipped with attachments, you can make this gun have almost no recoil at all. No recoil means almost perfect accuracy when shooting, which is truly a game changer.

Truthfully, the only downside to this weapon is it does lack the same damage as some of the other assault rifle options or even the RPK. Regardless, this is a gun you cannot go wrong with, especially if you spec it out to have no recoil.

Kastov-74U

The Kastov-74U is arguably the best assault rifle in the game, which puts it at number one on our list of the best guns in Modern Warfare 2. If you’re looking to dominate matches this is the perfect gun for you.

This weapon is an incredible option in close-ranged combat, while also being a strong contender for medium to long-range depending on the sight you choose to equip. It can act as an SMG replacement if you’re running a Sniper build, or just a suitable AR when specked out for medium distance.

Study Shows That Fairness in Fighting Games Significantly Improves When I Win

Posted on by Ryan Fleishman

URBANA, Ill. —  According to a recent study from the University of Illinois, scientists have found a direct correlating relationship between the fairness of fighting games and whether or not I won the match.

Fighting games are famously unfair, with button mashers and cheap combos being able to cheese skilled opponents into an easy, unearned win in an incredibly short period of time. Fighting games were never about skill or practice, just a cocktail of luck and third-rate strategies. A win in fighting games is a hollow victory, merely the result of benevolent random number generation or flat-out cheating. Fighting games have never been truly fair, and don’t test a player’s fighting acumen or gamesense any more than a scratch-off lottery ticket does. Fighting games, plain and simple, are just not fair to both players. 

Unless I won the match.

If I am the winner of the match, it can clearly be seen by scientific evidence that the fighting game match was a war of intellect and razor-tight reflexes. If I won, it was simply because my opponent could not adjust to my lightning-fast combos and mental head games that could rival a chess grandmaster. Yes, if I’ve won the match, it was a showcase of my superior talent and effort, something my poor measly competitor could never attempt to understand, much less replicate. If I’ve won, it’s obvious that fighting games are the most fair form of gaming around, a one-on-one realtime competition between two people matching wits. The study proves without a shadow of a doubt that anyone claiming that fighting games are unfair when I win is just a pathetic sore loser who can’t cope with the empirical fact that I bested them in combat.

Additionally, the study shows that if I lose, it’s only because I’m tired and my controller is fucked up and also the character you’re playing is total bullshit.

Entire Twitter Staff Receives Urgent Memo From CEO

Posted on by Camden Brazile

SAN FRANCISCO — A leak at Twitter headquarters revealed that the entire office received an urgent paper memo from CEO Elon Musk, a paper instructing employees to check a box indicating whether or not they like him or not.

“It’s not a big deal, I just want to like, know. No pressure or anything, haha,” Musk nervously announced to Twitter HQ. “If you want to add a third box that says you really like me, or have a crush on me, feel free. No wrong answer, I just want to know. I need to know. I mean I think I’m pretty chill, but if you could just check the box so I know definitely that would be great. Actually, everyone stop working, this is now your top priority. I need this on my desk by the end of the hour. Now that I think of it, do it right now. While I watch. Not in a weird way, obviously. I just need to watch you check the box that says you like me right this instant.”

Twitter employees reportedly felt awkward about the CEO’s company-wide memo.

“This is a tough one, I want to let the guy down easy, also I want to keep my job,” said software engineer Kelsey Mabry. “He’s always sending out feedback memos, asking for approval on funny tweets, and sending out anonymous DMs claiming to be ‘Elon’s friend’ asking you if you think he’s cute. While I’m supposed to be doing code work on the website and fixing bugs in the servers, most of my job now consists of liking and retweeting his posts and monitoring engagement on his memes. I would be upset if I didn’t feel so bad for the guy.”

At press time, sources reported all female Twitter employees also received a follow-up memo asking them to check a box indicating whether or not they would be up for being impregnated by their boss.

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