Mushroom Kingdom Reaches Hazard Pay Agreement With Hammer Bros. Union

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Government officials have reached an agreement with the Hammer Bros. Union, which involves a 20% pay increase due to the hazardous nature of their work, sources report.

“This is long overdue,” union rep Henry Hammer told reporters. “The danger associated with the constant throwing of these hammers, coupled with the physical strain it puts on our bodies, puts us at a significantly higher risk than any of Bowser’s other minions, not to mention the ever-present threat posed by Mario and Luigi. The latter is especially heightened when these two are controlled by a particularly savvy player who knows to stand right next to us in order to stay under the arc of our throws. Additional pay is the absolute least of what we deserve.”

Kendra Koopa, elected representative for the invaders of World 3-1, weighed in on the situation.

“I am ecstatic that an agreement was finally reached,” Koopa said. “We’d been at the negotiation table for years, as the Mushroom Kingdom just couldn’t acquiesce to all of the union’s demands. For instance, they’d been fighting for an extra week of paid time off each year, which just wasn’t feasible. The Hammer Brothers play an integral role in us maintaining our control over the Mushroom Kingdom, and I shudder to think of what would happen if Mario happens to run through here while we’re not properly staffed. Thankfully, Henry Hammer was able to understand this and focus on getting the hazard pay for his workers.” 

Koopa King Bowser was delighted at the agreement.

“This is a proud day for all of us,” Bowser said. “With our Hammer Bros. finally being properly compensated for their troubles, we can more effectively focus on our mission to keep the Mushroom Kingdom under my rule and stop those vile plumbers as they attempt to take it back. Thanks to this agreement, we are now better poised to accomplish this mission than we have been at any point in the last four decades.”

At press time, the Piranha Plant Union was striking for safer work conditions after one of them drowned in a sewer pipe.

We Tried To Interview the Ninja Turtles but Immediately Caught Typhoid Fever and Hepatitis A From Walking Through the New York City Sewer System

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, our editors are going to have to start doing more research on our interviews before they assign them to us. At the very least, they should issue us hazard gear if they’re going to make us wade through raw sewage to reach our subjects. That seems like the absolute least they should do, right?

Anyway, to be fair, we were pretty excited when we heard that we were going to sit down with the Ninja Turtles. Who wouldn’t be? We stayed up all night before the interview writing up questions. How does it feel being a sentient turtle? Does Splinter ever just relax and eat pizza with them? When’s the last time they hung out with April O’Neil? The fact that we had to meet them in their home didn’t strike us as odd. After all, it’s not like they can just move a manhole and strut around Williamsburg in the middle of the day. Walking through a mile or two of human shit to conduct the interview seemed like a small price to pay for the article of a lifetime.

Unfortunately, we started feeling really sick almost immediately after lowering ourselves into the city’s filth-ridden depths, and the pitch-blackness of the sewer made it really difficult to read our handwritten map. While this obstacle could have been avoided by bringing a flashlight or even just our phones, we wanted this to be an authentic early nineties-esque experience, and anyway, those sewers seemed much better lit in the cartoon. Nevertheless, we can chalk this up to an error on our part, but at any rate, the fact that we were hopelessly lost went completely unnoticed as we were doubled over with crippling fevers while concurrently puking and shitting all over the ground around us. Luckily, and believe us, this is small recompense for our suffering, we were in the right place to be engaging in this activity.

Thankfully, one of us stumbled into a ladder in a vomit-fueled fit of sobs, and we managed to emerge onto Bushwick Ave., much to the chagrin of dozens of horrified and disgusted onlookers. Apparently Hepatitis A can cause some severe jaundice that gave us a pretty shocking appearance. Anyway, we’re now being nursed back to health in Hard Drive’s offices, and some of us might actually make it. Given that our next assignment requires us to travel to Castle Grayskull, we’re kind of hoping we don’t.

Link Receives Final Warning for Violating Planet Fitness’ Grunting Policy

Posted on by Steve Packosky

HYRULE – Hylian swordsman Link has received his final warning for violating the grunting policy at the Kakariko Village Planet Fitness, irritated sources report.

“We’ve given this individual so many chances to amend his behavior,” employee Tika told reporters. “Just today, I saw him at the rock-climbing wall causing a ruckus that was just completely unnecessary. He would grunt over and over until he clearly had reached the end of his stamina wheel, at which point he would scream as he fell to the mat. Yesterday, he was yelling while practicing his sword thrust over and over, and almost seriously injured a Gerudo when he interrupted her mid-squat. I’ve told him he doesn’t need to take the gym so seriously, as it’s not like he’s scaling Death Mountain or battling Calamity Ganon. He just looked at me like ‘…’. Honestly, what’s up with that?”

Fellow patron Kitu was glad to hear that Link was on the verge of getting banned.

“Ugh, that guy is so obnoxious,” Kitu complained. “I understand that he’s rescued Hyrule on countless occasions, but that doesn’t give him the right to act like a total dick in a communal gym. This is the only Planet Fitness in Hyrule, and I come here from Zora’s Domain every day to get a workout in. I don’t need some warrior ruining my experience just because he’s full of himself. I mean, if he’s such a hot shot, why doesn’t he have Princess Zelda hook him up with his own private gym? I know that’s definitely within her power. There’s absolutely no need for him to be bothering the commoners like this.”

Link didn’t seem to understand what the issue was.

“Uh. Uh. Hupp,” Link observed. “Hunh. Hunh. Huuuuuuhhhhhhh, hrraaahhhhhhhh! Hupp. Hupp! Ooh! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Guh!”

At press time, Tika had been distracted from Link by a nearby Goron loudly dropping the boulders he was lifting to the floor.

Dr. Robotnik Reveals His Ph.D. Is in Business Administration

Posted on by Steve Packosky

FINAL ZONE – Presumed scientist and main antagonist of the “Sonic the Hedgehog” series of games Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik revealed that his Ph.D. was actually in the field of Business Administration, surprised sources report.

“Yeah, I actually got my Ph.D. online from the University of Phoenix while working as a Budget Analyst,” Robotnik said. “I kind of hoped it would help me move up to a senior position in the software company I was working for at the time, but the anger I felt when I was passed up for a promotion by the CEO’s nephew drove me to become the egomaniac I am today. I ended up completing my dissertation on optimization techniques in corporate cash management, but then I got really into machine building and taught myself how to create all these gadgets with videos I found on YouTube.”

Robotnik’s old Supply Chain Management professor Nikolai Maksymanko had expected his student to follow a different path.

“Typically, our graduates pursue careers in fields like consulting or HR management,” Maksymanko noted. “I think this might be the first case I’ve observed of an alumnus going completely mad for power and obsessing over taking control of the entire world. What is it he said he wanted to create? The ‘Eggman Empire’? Yeah, I don’t think we’ll be inviting him to speak at a commencement ceremony anytime soon.”

Game protagonist and Robotnik’s sworn enemy Sonic the Hedgehog was taken aback by the revelation.

“I guess I just naturally assumed that his Ph.D. was in Mechanical Engineering from somewhere like MIT or Stanford,” Sonic admitted. “I mean, look at this. He’s built these gigantic cylinders that are timed to retract in and out of the walls and ceilings, and I’ve already seen him in that weird flying sphere he built. I wouldn’t be able to do that. I guess the fact that he taught himself how to build these things just serves as further proof of how much of a ripoff college is.”

At press time, Robotnik had decided to return to school and earn a second Ph.D. in Linguistics.

Every Conservative at Anime Convention Cosplaying as Mr. Popo

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SYRACUSE, N.Y. – Every conservative at the Animetopia convention in Syracuse’s Oncenter appeared at the event dressed like Dragon Ball Z character Mr. Popo, unsurprised sources report.

“People think this costume is offensive, which proves that society’s been taken over by a bunch of soyboy cucks,” conservative attendee Nick Gladner said as he adjusted his turban. “Thank God we have a real man back in the White House and we no longer have to worry about any backlash from liberal snowflakes. We shouldn’t have to think about political correctness while we’re celebrating our favorite anime characters. So what if I enjoy dressing like Mr. Popo? I like his style and am always excited for episodes that take place in The Lookout. If my costume offends you, good.”

Fellow attendee Mallory Osgood reacted to what she saw.

“Jesus, there are so many Mr. Popos here,” Osgood sighed as she looked around her. “It would be nice if these idiots had educated themselves on why dressing in blackface is a really, really bad thing to do, but I’m pretty sure they either don’t know or don’t care about that. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if books that mention minstrelsy are being banned from public education now. Anime has enough problems as it is, so it sucks that people now feel emboldened to parade around dressed as its most blatantly racist example. Maybe I’ll start going to comic book conventions. There can’t be as many obnoxious conservatives at those, right?”

Sociologist Kayleigh Alfaro was not surprised by the situation.

“The Republican Party has successfully won the favor of the average Internet chud, so of course you’re going to see that in anime fandom,” Alfaro noted. “Many of these fans are young men who spent the COVID-19 pandemic on 4Chan. Frankly, I’m shocked that Mr. Popo cosplay comprises only about 60% of the people at this convention. I just did a case study at a Street Fighter tournament in Florida, and basically every white guy there was dressed like Balrog.”

At press time, some conservatives had begun arriving at the convention cosplaying as Superalloy Darkshine.

Twitch Streamer With $4,000 Setup Apparently Couldn’t Have Been Bothered To Make the Bed Behind Him

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NASHUA, N.H. – Twitch Streamer Kerry “Kerry_Killsh0t” Bertram had clearly spent more of his money and effort in designing his streaming setup than he had in making his bedroom presentable, sources report.

“Check it out, man,” an excited Bertram told reporters. “This rig cost me $4,000. I’ve got an Aorus Gaming 5 motherboard, an EVGA GTX 1070 graphics card, an Intel i7 8700 CPU, three monitors, a custom mouse and keyboard, an Audio Technica microphone with a swivel mount, and a LiberNovo Omni Dynamic chair. My mom yells at me to make the rest of my room look more presentable, which is super annoying. I mean, I made more money streaming last month than she did in the past year, so why can’t she get off my back?”

Tony Vargas, one of Bertram’s many subscribers, commented on what he sees during the stream.

“I watch Kerry_Killsh0t to get tips and strategies,” Vargas noted. “He’s one of the best Arc Raiders players in the world, so I’ve really improved my playing by observing him. It’s obvious that he takes both gaming and streaming seriously, but it does get kind of distracting seeing the absolute disarray his bedroom is in. I mean, he’s clearly put a lot of time and money into his setup, logo, interface, and playing, so would it kill him to make the bed behind him? It’s right behind him in the camera shot and I can’t keep my eyes from drifting over to his nasty, yellowed, uncovered pillow.” 

Sociologist Tina Ng has seen this before.

“Twitch has become a very lucrative career path for many people,” Ng provided. “However, that means fans are often subjected to the slovenly lifestyles of their favorite streamers when they’re just trying to observe their techniques. Think of it as a sort of tradeoff. If you have unfettered access to the live entertainment provided by thousands of gamers from around the world, you’ll likely have to pay for it by seeing their oftentimes disgusting bedrooms.”

At press time, viewers were further distracted from the stream when Bertram’s mother entered his bedroom to collect his dirty laundry.

Cameo Birthday Shoutout From James Sunderland Really Fucking Depressing

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BRANSON, Mo. – A Cameo birthday shoutout from Silent Hill 2’s James Sunderland purchased by Daryl Bruner for a friend ended up being predictably depressing, sources report.

“Yeah, I know James is a huge drag in Silent Hill 2, but I figured he’d have the sense to buck up a little for his Cameos,” Bruner told reporters. “It’s a birthday message, so it would behoove him to be more chipper. He just stared at the camera for like a minute before droning on about his dead wife. It’s like, come on, dude. I’m sorry your wife died, but you got really famous from your experience revisiting her favorite town and discovering your inner demons in the process, so count your blessings, you know?”

Amanda Hershizer, the Cameo’s recipient, reacted to her gift from Bruner.

“I love Silent Hill, so I definitely appreciate Daryl’s gesture,” said Hershizer. “However, it kind of put a damper on my entire birthday hearing James drone on about how his beloved wife Mary had been taken by ‘that damn disease’ three years ago, and about how he’s determined to investigate the source of the mysterious letter he received from her. I honestly don’t even think he wished me a happy birthday in the message. Hopefully next year he finds someone a little more upbeat, like Crash Bandicoot or a Goron.”

Video game expert Whitney Carrow provided her insight on the matter.

“With the economy being the way it is, many video game characters, much like celebrities, have resorted to Cameo to keep the money coming in,” Carrow noted. “It’s understandable, as it can be a goldmine with how many fans are willing to pay to get shoutouts from their favorites. However, their judgment is often clouded, and they end up hiring people for messages that aren’t compatible with the people delivering them. James Sunderland would’ve been perfect for someone mourning a lost loved one, for example. It’s a good idea to take a step back and approach these bookings with a rational mind.”

At press time, another Cameo from Eddie Dombrowski was every bit as depressing as James Sunderland’s.

Man Has Incredible, Life-Changing Experience Playing Spiritfarer on the Same Computer That He Uses To Masturbate

Posted on by Steve Packosky

AUGUSTA, Ga. – 24-year-old James Grier had a life-changing experience playing notable indie management sim Spiritfarer on the same CyberPowerPC GeForce gaming PC that he regularly uses to masturbate to Internet pornography, sources report.

“What an unbelievable gaming experience that was,” Grier noted as credits rolled on the KOORUI curved gaming monitor that, just three hours earlier, had displayed the stepsister-themed JOI video he had viewed while manipulating himself to completion. “I don’t normally get emotional playing video games, but watching Stella hug Daffodil after accepting that it was her time to pass on brought tears to my eyes. This made me completely reevaluate how I spend my time and interact with people. Now, would you mind stepping out of my bedroom for a few minutes? I’ve got something I need to take care of.”

Grier’s mother, Janice, rolled her eyes at her son’s habits.

“James is still living at home even though he graduated from college two years ago,” Mrs. Grier commented. “If he wants to spend his free time playing video games, or whatever else he does on that expensive computer of his, that’s his concern. I just wish he would get a job, or at the very least clean up his own room. I swear, I empty those balled-up tissues out of his wastepaper basket at least three times a day. That boy must have the runniest nose in the world.”

CyberPowerPC spokesperson Terrelle Gerver reflected on how his company’s products are used.

“Our engineers have devoted their lives to developing customizable PCs that revolutionize gaming,” Gerver provided. “We’ve had a presence in every big eSports event, and the best players in the world have seen our products as reliable tools for reaching their true potential for over two decades. However, we’re also aware that our customers are using our top-of-the-line processors to jack off. It’s not our business to dictate how they’re used, but it is kind of disheartening, and we try not to think about it.”

At press time, Grier had decided to take a five-minute “personal break” in the middle of his To the Moon playthrough.

Pathetic Protagonist Doesn’t Even Frontflip While Double Jumping

Posted on by Steve Packosky

AUSTRIAN EMPIRE – Nathan Graves, the absolutely pathetic protagonist of 2001 metroidvania “Castlevania: Circle of the Moon”, couldn’t even do a frontflip while double jumping, disgusted onlookers report.

“Look, I’m sorry, alright?” Graves said. “Nobody was more excited than I to receive the ‘Double’ relic, but casually flipping every single time you jump into the air is a lot harder than it looks. Also, I immediately hurt my back while whipping a Skeleton Bomber because I didn’t get a chance to stretch. In my defense, though, I thought my master Morris Baldwin was going to take care of Dracula without an issue. I was like, the second backup here, man. I didn’t expect to have to deal with all this stuff.”

Adramelech, an ancient Semitic god turned demon turned Castlevania boss, reflected on his encounter with Nathan’s double jump.

“When that guy first entered my chamber, I thought it was some kind of joke,” Adramelech admitted. “I had just defeated his friend Hugh, so I assumed he would be able to offer more of a challenge. However, he was just hopping around like a rabbit throwing his cross-thingies at me. It was actually kind of embarrassing to watch. I easily defeated him with my blue fireballs and floating skulls. I have a sneaking suspicion that he’ll be back, though. It seems like protagonists get countless chances to defeat us bosses, which is pretty one-sided, if you ask me.”

Video game acrobat Lenny Powers was apologetic to Graves’ plight.

“Gamers will see protagonists like Shanoa and Samus front flipping in the middle of their double jumps, and they think it’s so easy,” Powers scoffed. “However, they’re not seeing the countless hours these heroes are putting into their craft before every journey. Do you know how dizzying and off-putting it is to flip in the middle of an intense boss fight? Of course you don’t, because you all just sit on the couch pressing some buttons on a controller.”

At press time, Graves was further criticized for not being able to turn into a bat and fly quickly through a room full of enemies.

We Rank the Five Best PS5 Games That Don’t Use the L2 Button Because Ours Is Broken

Posted on by Steve Packosky

You know what? If our editors want to give us the weighty assignment of ranking the five best PlayStation 5 games, fine. That’s what we’re here for. However, they’ve ignored all of our requests to replace the controller in the breakroom, so this is the best they’re going to get. Here are the five best PS5 games that don’t use the L2 button because ours is broken, and if you don’t like it, take it up with them.

5.) The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope (2020)

Yeah, we know that this isn’t a PS5 exclusive, but our options are a little limited here, OK? This is a pretty good survival horror that’s definitely worthy of a playthrough. Obviously, it’s not as good as the Silent Hill 2 remake, which we would’ve loved to include on this list had we been able to play it.

4.) Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin (2022)

We’re not even huge Final Fantasy fans, but lo and behold, we were able to get through a playthrough of this without using the L2 button, so here it is. This probably isn’t even close to the best in the series, but we enjoyed it, and honestly, we’re just trying to get this article done at this point. We know this is far from what you would expect from a ranking article, and we apologize.

3.) Overcooked! (2016)

Ugh, fine. Yep. Third best PS5 game right here. Sure. Whatever. We barely even remember playing it; only that we didn’t have to use the L2 button. While we’re at it, the vending machine in our breakroom hasn’t been dispensing the bags of blue Takis, which are like, the most popular snack in the office. It would be nice if that issue was addressed, too.

2.) Inside (2016)

This game is actually really good. Top five good? No, probably not, but we liked it. You’ll like it too if you happen to work for a video game news magazine that doesn’t offer the proper equipment you need to do your fucking job, so go ahead, give it a shot. We don’t care.

  1. Call of Duty: Black Ops 7 (2025)

We managed to get through the entire campaign without aiming down sight, so here it is. The best PS5 game of all time, ladies and gentlemen. Ugh. We’re so glad we got through this stupid, pointless list. Stay tuned for our top 5 Switch 2 games that you can also play on PS5 because that’s all we have.

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