D&D Tricks Gullible Player Into Believing Musicians Have Charisma

Posted on by Naomi Krause

MADISON, Wisc. — The events of a local Dungeons & Dragons game have falsely duped a local player into thinking musicians have charisma in the real world, sources have confirmed. 

“I feel so bad for Jerry,” said local dungeon master Travis Niles, referring to his friend Jerry Bohannon, who began playing a bard character several weeks ago  “Suddenly he thinks that everyone likes to have a musician around now just because his party’s been doing okay. Lucky rolls are one thing, but I don’t think he’s nearly charismatic enough to tell people about his upcoming show and have them care. Sorry, Jerry. Musicians in real life don’t even have close to that much sex.” 

Despite the warnings from others, Bohannon remains oblivious to the disparity between charisma levels of role-playing and real-life musicians. 

“I’ve been taking the things I’ve learned about life in our weekly game and applying them to the outside world,” said Bohannon, woefully unaware of how grating most find his presence. “For example, after successfully getting our party out of harm’s way by distracting some guards with a song, I thought the same trick might help me get out of paying the check during a recent dinner date I was on. Needless to say, it didn’t work out all and there will be no second date.” 

“She had to pay for everything,” he added. “I’m just a broke musician.” 

Bohannon’s parents spoke to the media earlier today, claiming that Dungeons & Dragons had the exact effect on their son they’d worried it would. 

“I remember when that game became popular in the ’80s, I was so glad my boy wasn’t involved in anything like that,” said Sue Bohannon, Jerry’s mother. “But to hear all these years later that he’s not only playing it, but that it’s warped his mind so horribly, to the point that he thinks that people want to hear about what bands and albums he thinks are overrated. Why, it’s enough to make me think I did something wrong as a parent, frankly.” 

As of press time, Bohannon’s friends had switched which night they meet up to play D&D without telling him. 

Marvel’s Midnight Suns: How to Upgrade Cards Faster

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Marvel’s Midnight Suns is here, and to beat back the forces of Lilith, you’re going to want to know how to upgrade cards faster. A big part of the new strategy game is the new card-based combat. While the system may seem a bit basic at first, as you progress deeper into the game, you’ll find your upgraded cards make your team of heroes a force to be reckoned with.

Marvel’s Midnight Suns begins with some slow opening hours, introducing you to the game’s systems. While this is a helpful start to get your feet wet in the game’s, it can be hard to remember everything. So, if you simply don’t remember how to upgrade at all, we’ll be able to help you with that, too.

Marvel’s Midnight Suns: How to Upgrade Cards

How to upgrade attacks & skills in Marvel's Midnight Suns faster.

To get your skills and attacks enhanced, you’ll need to visit The Yard. Go to the sword in the stone right near the entrance, and choose to interact with it. You’ll be greeted with a menu with all your available heroes, and are able to select any with upgradable skills. For a card to be upgradable, you’ll need the following things:

  • Two copies of the card
  • Enough essence of the card’s respective type (attack, skill, heroism)

In nearly all cases, upgrades add a new effect and don’t improve damage. Damage will scale up as your heroes increase in level. Also keep in mind that cards can only be upgraded once. You can preview what the upgrade will do to any card by holding L1/LB when viewing it in your heroes menu.

How to Upgrade Skills & Attacks Faster in Midnight Suns

One thing you’ll want to do to make your attacks upgrade faster is to focus on a select few heroes. The reward that you get at the end of most missions, Gamma Coils, gives you a choice from a pool of cards for the heroes you brought on the mission. So, by using the same heroes on all of your missions, you’re bound to get more duplicate cards to use for upgrades. Keeping the pool of about 5 heroes is a good strategy, so you have a variety of decks to turn to for different missions.

Another thing to keep in mind is to be aware of excess cards. If you are locked into using a lesser-used hero for a story mission, and you get a reward for them from your Gamma Coil, consider scrapping it. This gives you some of the valuable essence you need to upgrade cards. It may be tempting to just upgrade any card you can, but this will make you run out of essence quickly. Focus on your few heroes, and let any other excess cards be fodder to juice up your main rotation.

Those are the best ways to upgrade your cards quickly in Marvel’s Midnight Suns! Use these tips to strengthen your heroes and take down Lilith.

Corpse With No Items Was Still a Nice Person If You Got to Know Them

Posted on by Andrew Muller

SKYRIM — A body discovered by a wandering adventurer contained nothing of value that could be of use in any quests, but probably still would have been a really good hang, if they were alive.

“He wasn’t wearing any armor I could take, but he was wearing this really funny shirt that we could have made good conversation about,” said the wistful adventurer after searching every square inch of the rotting corpse. “He seemed like he was really chill. Right next to his body was a broken beer bottle that I’m sure he was sipping on.”

The body in question was already in a rough condition before passing away, as indicated by his arm cast that also happened to be covered in the many signatures of people who enjoyed his company. Close friends still mourn his loss.

“He was a frugal person, never carried anything, but he was the kind of guy to give you the shirt off his back in a pinch,” said a source close to the deceased. “Unfortunately, that didn’t leave too much to grab while rummaging through his desecrated corpse. Unless you want the shirt he died in, of course, which is very funny and cool.”

Family members of the deceased have come forward in the wake of the discovery by the lone wanderer.

“I understand how an adventurer would feel. He didn’t leave any items or loot for his own family in his will. But it was because he gave all his trinkets and bottle caps to charity while he was alive, so it was tough to be mad about it,” said his sister. “Really good dude.”

The wandering adventurer was later seen wearing a funny shirt and collecting health supplies from various gravesites nearby.

Kanye West: “How Can You Say Hitler’s Fully Evil When He Created Kirby?”

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Rapper and rightwing candidate for president Kanye West said today on Alex Jones’ talk show InfoWars that he cannot fully criticize Nazi leader Adolf Hitler due to the dictator having created video game character Kirby.

“I love all people. I love the Jews, but I love Hitler too. How can you say Hitler’s fully evil when he created Kirby? That little pink guy who sucks stuff up, he’s so cute. And Hitler came up with that whole idea. So I love Hitler, I love Kirby, and I even love King Dedede. I’m tired of pretending like I can’t say that,” Kanye explained, puffing up his cheeks behind a black mask to show what Kirby looks like. “The Jewish mafia, you know, they don’t want me to go to Dream Land. They’re trying to hold me down. The Jews don’t want me to be able suck up all my enemies and gain their powers and abilities. But I think Hitler’s great.”

Jones, known for being extremely conservative and saying outlandish things, surprisingly pushed back against West’s claims.

“Well I can’t agree with you there,” said Jones, laughing almost maniacally. “I think the Jewish mafia is holding you down, that’s for sure. But Kirby is a thug and he did a lot of bad things. Just because you don’t like the Jews doesn’t mean you have to praise Kirby now. No, no. I won’t say I like Kirby. He’s an absolute menace and I think he should locked up, if not executed, for the amount of times he has sucked up one of his opponents and then walked off a battlefield to both of their deaths. And that has nothing to do with the Jews.”

At press time, fact checkers at Snopes were reportedly working overtime to produce a massive document definitively proving that Adolf Hitler was not the inventor of Kirby.

God of War Ragnarok Nornir Chests: The Jungle Chest (Vanaheim)

Posted on by Ian Ager

Vanaheim’s Crater region is chock-full of side quests, monster hunts, and of course, Nornir Chests, to upgrade Kratos’ health and rage bars. This region opens up to you after completing the Creatures of Prophecy main questline, so if you haven’t returned to Vanaheim yet to regroup with Freya, you’ll have to do that first. After you do that, though, here’s how to find and unlock The Jungle’s Nornir Chest.

Where to Find The Jungle Nornir Chest

The Jungle is the southernmost region of the Crater area, and there’s a Nornir Chest here, though it can’t be accessed when Kratos first gets to this part of the map. To open up the whole map, you’ll need to complete the Return of the River Favor questline. Once the water has returned to the area, hop in a boat and head to the Celestial Altar in the center of the Jungle map. 

In a clearing, across from the altar, you’ll see the Nornir Chest, and the first of three rune wheels off to the right of the chest. 

Where to find the Jungle Nornir Chest in God of War Ragnarok.

You can find and open this chest whether it’s day or night, so you don’t have to mess with the altar here. All the runes can be hit from this central clearing. 

God of War Ragnarok: The Jungle Nornir Chest Puzzle Solution

To open the chest, throw your Leviathan Axe at the golden paddles atop each rune wheel until the wheel shows one of the three runes on the chest. The first wheel is just to the right of the chest. 

The second rune wheel is on the other side of the celestial altar from the chest, concealed in some red fungal vines. You’ve seen these before at this point in your journey, so you probably know the drill. Use your companion’s sigil arrows on the vines until you can reach the rocks below the vines with an explosion from your blades. Then, throw the axe at the paddles until the second rune shows on the wheel.  

How to open The Jungle Nornir Chest in GoW Ragnarok.

The third and final rune wheel is on the Celestial Altar’s tower, on the right hand side about halfway up. You’ll have a better view of it from the platform up on that side, or if you’re coming down from the top of the castle ruins here after doing the Trail of the Dead dragon hunt quest.

Throw your axe at the paddles to line up the final rune, then you can claim your prize from the Nornir Chest! If you’re on the hunt for other Nornir Chests in Vanaheim, check out our guide to the Goddess Falls Nornir Chest!

Megachurch Pastor Tells Congregation That God Wants Them To Pay For His NVIDIA Titan V Graphics Card

Posted on by Naomi Krause

DAYTON, Ohio — A pastor at a megachurch told his congregation that God wants them to personally buy him a new $3,000 NVIDIA Titan V graphics card, sources have confirmed. 

“The lord works in mysterious ways,” said Pastor Jacob Weaver, during his most recent sermon. “But there is nothing mysterious about inadequate performance when you’re trying to play PC games. That’s why I’m calling upon you, my brothers and sisters, to reach into your pocket books and give to the church this morning. I spoke to God, and this is exactly what he wants. He wanted me to tell you that it’s essentially a buck a person, so we should be able to do it no problem. He said it’s gotta be the Titan V, too. And as always, that cash is preferred.” 

Attendees of the Greenhaven Community Christian Center were eager to support what they saw as a direct assignment from God. 

“We are so blessed to be involved with a church that is so in tune with what God wants,” said churchgoer Helen Hutchens, shortly after putting $175 into one of the collection baskets. “Like, it if was me, I’d see about using these resources to feed and shelter the less fortunate among us, not use money donated with charitable intentions to live an excess lifestyle anchored by material possessions. But that’s why I’m not the pastor, ‘cause I don’t understand the word of God at all!” 

“Good thing none of this is taxed,” she added. “Should help him get to his goal of affording that new graphics card sooner.”

Spokespeople from NVIDIA were sympathetic to the difficulty many consumers without loyal congregations have faced while trying to secure a Titan V. 

“We do our best to make our graphics cards as affordable as we can,”said Jensen Huang, president and CEO of NVIDIA. “However, at this current moment, I’m afraid the fact remains that to most consumers, you really need nothing short of a miracle if you’re trying to come up with the money to buy one of these. Or I guess at the very least a direct communication with the lord. Say, did God tell that guy anything else, or just that he needs a sweet graphics card? I was just wondering.” 

As of press time, Pastor Weaver also confirmed that God said he wasn’t mad about all that sex abuse stuff, either. 

Fanfiction Boldly Challenges Reader’s Perceptions of How Goku and Naruto Would Fuck

Posted on by Camden Brazile

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — Archive of Our Own readers expressed excitement about a new smash-hit fanfic that boldly challenges the audience’s perceptions of how Goku and Naruto would fuck.

“When I wrote this piece, I wanted the audience to abandon all preconceived notions of how the Saiyan prince and the youthful hokage would engage in sweet, sensual sexual congress,” author Ryan Treece said. “This medium has become so diluted with hackneyed, cliché ideas that barely force the audience to actually ponder the logistics of two fictional characters fucking in a Trader Joe’s bathroom. My novella shows readers that Naruto and Goku would take hours, if not days to reach climax with one another, but I also wanted to focus on character development and really earn that moment of steamy passion.”

Fanfiction reader Alana Mirowitz said the digitally published story struck her on an emotional level.

“I wept reading this,” Mirowitz said. “While yet, it made me think about hot sex between two muscular anime characters, it also made me think about what it means to be a human being, and if ‘love’ as we know it can be properly expressed in physical form. This fanfiction should be read in every school and religious institution across the nation.”

Legendary comic book writer Alan Moore praised ‘Goku x Naruto: Trader Joe Sluts’ for reinvigorating the fiction genre.

“Finally, I’ve laid eyes on an equal,” Moore said. “Art, in its incarnate form. The pathos of Goku and the depth of Naruto as they slam each other’s holes rivals the theater of the ancient Greeks themselves. While I hate film adaptations, humanity deserves a visual rendition of the forty five scenes where Naruto and Goku have sex, no, make love, to one another in vivid detail.”

At press time, sources close to Treece revealed that the author had begun on his magnum opus, a beautiful period drama set during the civil war in which Abraham Lincoln and Guts from Beserk fuck each other’s brains out.

Marvel VFX Artist Secretly Models CGI Render of Family to Longingly Stare at During 18-Hour Shift

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ATLANTA — Marvel Visual Effects Artist Thomas Cromwell was reportedly reprimanded by Disney after managers found a CGI render of his family the artist created to longingly stare at during his 18-hour shifts.

“Whenever I start thinking about my wife and kids while polishing the material on Paul Rudd’s Ant-Man suit, I just pull up my model of my family, and wonder what they could be up to,” Cromwell said. “It looks exactly like them — at least exactly what I remember they look like — and photos that remind us of our home lives are strictly against Marvel policy, so I can only do it during the fifteen minutes every day where Mr. Feige isn’t watching over me.”

Cromwell’s family have begun to note the toll his job has taken on his personal life.

“My husband and I never go out anymore, and the rare occasion we do his mind is completely occupied by what shade the Hulk would be in the restaurant’s given lighting,” Lucille Cromwell said. “I’m glad he was able to create a photo-realistic model of our family, and he tells me that sometimes he puppets it around and simulates digital family picnics, dates, and holidays. Hopefully the aging-technology is accurate enough for him to render what it would look like to see what our daughter looks like now.”

President of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige addressed allegations that members of the effects team are in harsh working conditions.

“The rumor that we mistreat our VFX artists is just plainly untrue,” Feige said. “Just last week, one of our artists was having a family emergency, and so I personally lightened his load by loosening his collar a little bit for the remainder of his shift. Another one of our team was going through a difficult divorce, and it was showing at work, so I sat him down and told him that he didn’t need to come back to work for a while, because his single ass was fucking fired.”

At press time, Cromwell reportedly missed his son’s ninth birthday party after Marvel felt Paul Rudd’s butt looked a little big on camera.

Nintendo Instinctively Sues to Halt Mario Film’s Production

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Following the premiere of the latest trailer for The Super Mario Bros. Movie, Nintendo has reflexively sued the producers of the film, sources have confirmed.

“Oops, that’s our bad,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America shortly after withdrawing a hastily issued lawsuit against Universal Pictures. “We just saw a lot of people getting excited about a Nintendo thing online so we assumed it was coming from outside. You’ll have to forgive us, It’s not every day that something we do gets received relatively well. As such we have rescinded our lawsuit against the makers of The Super Mario Bros. Movie and believe we will be able to get most of the principal cast members out of incarceration just as quickly as possible.” 

The move is merely the latest in Nintendo’s long litigious history. 

“I would say this lawsuit was the shittiest thing they’ve done in a while if they hadn’t just canceled the biggest and most popular Smash Bros. tournament,” said local gamer Kelsey McAdams, referencing Nintendo’s abrupt shutdown of the Smash World Tour earlier this week. “Players, advertisers, broadcasters, all just fucked because on a whim Nintendo decided to end a wildly popular tournament. It’s mind boggling how committed they are to alienating their fans. It doesn’t surprise me at all that they had Seth Rogen arrested yesterday before they figured out what they were doing.”   

Lawyers for Nintendo defended their employer’s aggressive tactics, even if they were applied erroneously this time. 

“If this course of action surprises you, you must not be paying attention,” said Richard Foreman, one of several attorneys that briefly worked on the case against the film. “There’s one little thing Nintendo does to stay relevant, and it ain’t releasing hardware that’s up to modern expectations. Nope, it’s suing every man, woman, and child that we think might be so much as even thinking of dressing like Link for Halloween. We won’t ever get them all, but we’ll die trying, god damn it.”

“It’s a weird approach to being an entertainment company,” he added.  “But we remain committed to it.” 

Can You Romance Heroes in Marvel’s Midnight Suns?

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Marvel’s Midnight Suns has a social system for players to befriend and deepen relationships with Marvel heroes, but players may be disappointed when trying to romance these characters. Social systems are present in loads of other RPGs, with recent examples being Fire Emblem: Three Houses and Persona 5 Royal. However, Midnight Suns will lack one extra feature present in these games’ social systems.

Marvel’s Midnight Suns is the latest in the series of Marvel’s games licensed by development partners. Coming from Firaxis Games, the developers of the acclaimed XCOM franchise, Midnight Suns has combat similar to XCOM. However, it adds a new layer by making combat card-based instead of a more traditional strategy system. It’s also the developer’s first foray into a deep social system like those seen in modern RPGs.

Are There Any Heroes You Can Romance in Marvel’s Midnight Suns?

To the disappointment of some fans, there are no ways to romance any of the heroes in Marvel’s Midnight Suns. Despite this feature being present in other RPG social systems, it isn’t something included in the latest game from Firaxis.

The likely answer for why heroes aren’t romanceable in this game is due to the Marvel characters being prominent characters in pop culture, making some romantic. However, that’s simply speculation, as the developers haven’t given an official answer to the reason for the exclusion of this typical social sim feature.

However, this doesn’t mean that there aren’t intimate moments with Marvel heroes in Midnight Suns. The friendship system in the game lets the player character, The Hunter, grow close with heroes like Blade, Captain Marvel, and The Hulk throughout their journey in the game. You’ll be able to do activities in the game’s home base, The Abbey, to increase your friendship with heroes to get benefits in combat as well as unique dialogue.

So, in short, while Marvel’s Midnight Suns has a robust friendship system, you can’t romance any heroes, so don’t expect to be smooching Captain America any time soon.