Paralyzed Pokemon Still Doing Quite A Lot Out There

Posted on by Garry Kerls

MAUVILLE CITY — In a miraculous turn of events, a thought to be paralyzed Sceptile has overcome the crippling status effect to defeat Wattson of the Mauville City Gym, sources in the gym confirm.

“I thought I had it in the bag!” claims the electric-type gym leader after embarrassingly giving up a badge and free TM to his young adversary. “A paralyzed person would never be able to do so much out there, I guess thunder waves don’t hit like they used to anymore.”

The victorious trainer’s Pokemon, who used nothing but sheer will and determination, powered through the debilitating condition, spamming physical moves until divine intervention allowed the immobilized monster to attack.

“It was nothing short of a miracle,” said one local Nurse Joy who was standing by during the gym battle. “It would typically take months, even years, for a Pokemon to rehabilitate from such a gruesome injury. Either that or a quick spray from a Paralyze Heal, the PokeMart’s groundbreaking medicinal spray that can suck the lightning right out of a Pokemon’s bones, now only $400 at Marts all across the region, get yours today!”

When approached by reporters regarding the sensational victory, the trainer from Littleroot Town told them he was doing a holistic challenge run.

“No potions, no healing items, and no trips to a Pokemon Center, I saw a guy on Twitch do it and thought, ‘that can’t be too hard’ so here I am,” he said. “The only way I can get my Pokemon to recover is by going all the way back home and having my mom do it.”

The recent influx of challenge runners rising the ranks through Hoenn has been concerning to the Gym leaders who make a living kicking the butts of naive children with underleveled Pokemon.

“It’s an epidemic!” says Sootopolis Gym Leader, Wallace. “These kids grind on route 1 for days and days and then slaughter every Gym Leader they approach. It’s an insult to the community and detrimental to the game, we need to do something about this.”

At press time, Officer Jennys have been placed at every route to ensure no Trainer is abusing the local wildlife just to complete some gratuitous challenge run.

Point-and-Click Adventure Gamer Denied Arthritis Medication by Insurance Company

Posted on by Brett McCabe

LANSING, Mich — A woman suffering from osteoarthritis was recently denied the cortisone injections she needed to painlessly pixel hunt around the backdrop of point-and-click adventure games.

Having tried over-the-counter acetaminophen, physical therapy, and browsing the forums of AdventureGamers.com, hand brace-clad Louisa Carver still needed help.

“After running around in Beautiful Desolation and then looking for one undistinguished book amongst the hundreds of books on a shelf in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, it’s looking like I’m going to have to start playing controller games,” expelled Carver.

Before she was even declined, in order for Carver to find the phone number for her health care provider, she had to combine a balloon with packing foam, throw a rock to distract a goat, and steal a belt buckle from a fishmonger. Upon dialing, she had to guess the name of a gnome and enter it backward, before being placed on a two-and-a-half hour wait to speak to a representative.

“Unfortunately, having an extensive knowledge of the classic LucasArts catalog is a pre-existing condition,” explained Ronda Diaz, a representative of UnitedHealthcare, after a four hour wait and forty minutes of navigating the automated phone system.

While this news is upsetting to many Monkey Island fans, some loved ones of adventure gamers are not as supportive of this pastime.

“Normal boyfriends are up all night playing Call of Duty or Madden. When I’m trying to sleep, I have to hear ‘click click click’ all night while my boyfriend goes around asking unwelcoming villagers where to find a barrow in Victorian England,” bemoans Teri Taylor, a newer member of PAWG, People Against Wadjet Eye Games.

Louisa Carver is still going through her inventory, retracing her steps to see if she missed a Inland Empire check, in hopes to find a workaround solution.

At press time, Carver discovered if she sticks masking tape covered in cat hair on her face using maple syrup, she can use her friend’s ID to use his healthcare plan.

Here’s Everything Kotaku Knows About Switch 2 Emulation

Posted on by Matt Fresh

Nintendo has officially announced the Nintendo Switch 2. While the announcement had essentially no details whatsoever other than what it looks like and that it exists, gaming publication Kotaku has you covered. Despite Nintendo not revealing any concrete details about the console until April, Kotaku already has various scoops on how emulation of the machine will work. Here’s everything they know about Switch 2 piracy.

Metroid Prime 4 Will Run Great on PC Days Ahead of Launch

The long awaited fourth installment in the Metroid Prime series is sure to be a flagship title for the Switch 2. Nintendo will no doubt be looking at the game’s sales figures to determine the future of the franchise. But fear not because Kotaku already knows that the game will run great on PC before it’s official launch and they’ll be happy to tell you. Not only will this save you money by not having to buy the game but it will save Nintendo money by not having to make another one.

Nintendo Will Be Really Cold Towards Them for Some Reason

It’s quite strange. Nintendo must hate journalism.

All of Their Review Copies Will Be Given to Them by a Shady Guy Named Declan

All of Kotaku’s Nintendo Switch 2 review codes will be provided on the dark web by a man named Declan who’s only official job title is “Guy Who Gets Things”. They will of course all be for the Steam Deck.

It Won’t Be As Easy to Mod as a 3DS

While the 3DS is surprisingly easy to mod, the Switch 2 will be much more complicated. But don’t worry, that’s why Kotaku will publish an easy to read step by step guide on launch day so you can hack your Switch 2 like a pro on day 1.

The Exact Amount of Lawyers Who Will Laugh at You Before One Finally Says Maybe

It turns out most lawyers have heard of Nintendo and most lawyers don’t take cases that spell certain doom. But if you find the right mini mall, you may just find a lawyer willing to give it a shot.

It Will Play Custer’s Revenge

Not natively of course but they will be more than happy to tell you how to get it up and running.

The Plot to the Next Zelda Game Which They Won’t Get a Press Copy Of

While it’s still deep in development and nowhere close to being announced Kotaku has already secured plot information on the next Zelda game despite being guaranteed to not receive a press copy of it from Nintendo. They’ll be playing it early on their PC thanks to Declan and will be glad to tell you everything that happens before the game comes out.

Miyamoto Will Personally Bury Your Battered Corpse in the Caves He Explored as a Youth

They speak from experience. RIP young Kotaku writers.

Kid Excitedly Reads Back of Nintendo eShop Gift Card During Drive Home From GameStop

Posted on by Sidney Conant

LAFAYETTE, La.— Birthday boy Robert Leaumont was seen excitedly reading the back of his Nintendo eShop gift card during a car ride home from GameStop, sources apparently not driving fast enough confirm.

“Sure I’ve only had my eye on this for the past few weeks, but that’s like a lifetime when you’re cool and 12 years old like me,” said Leaumont, as he mouthed the words outlined in the card’s terms and conditions. “All my friends already got one of these for Christmas, and I’m not about to waste any more time falling behind those lame-os. But at the rate we’re going, I’m going to be 20 by the time we get back and the eShop servers will have already been shut down.”

Leaumont’s mother, Mara Richmond, shared how this took her back to the days of her youth.

“It does my heart good to know that my Bobby shares a few similarities with his boring old mom, even if he doesn’t like to admit it,” said Richmond, not even trying to make that yellow light. “You see, when I was his age, I spent my return trips reading up on the game lore and trying to piece together the layout of the overworld from just the pictures on the back of the box alone. And even if my dad had no idea what an ocarina or a Zelda was, he was willing to listen to me babble on and on about everything I had gleaned from those buzzword descriptions and low-res screenshots. He also never tried to cut those moments short by driving faster than the residential speed limit allowed, and only ever called it quits once we had already been home for an hour and I was still buckled up, yakking about these things called ‘Gorons.’”

Leaumont continued to ponder the intricacies of his gift card, long after anyone else seemed to care.

“So if I’m reading this correctly, since I purchased the physical edition of eShop, I’m to be granted some bonus in-game currency once I input the download code into the debug menu,” said Leaumont, all alone in his mom’s SUV, daylight fading. “And since my buddies say eShop is this big, open-world experience, I’m debating whether I should spend this in-game currency on weapon upgrades now or save it for when I fight the big bad later on. Who’s the final boss of eShop supposed to be, anyway? This guy in the red hat on the front?”

At press time, Leaumont was reportedly in his room, drawing a map of the eShop menu to help him better navigate future playthroughs.

Every US President Ranked by K/D Ratio

Posted on by Jacob Albrecht

There are many qualities by which you can measure a president: age, socio-economic impact, frequency of gaffes; but little has been written of the one true testament of character for a leader of the free world. Since this country’s inception, we’ve had some truly inspiring leaders. Some. Like, maybe three or four. However, we chose to focus on factors that might be more familiar to the modern American people. This is every single US President ranked by their lifetime ratio of Kills to Deaths.

 

46. Millard Fillmore – 0.0

Millard Fillmore never killed anyone, and frankly didn’t do much at all. He served as Vice President under Zachary Taylor, and then rose to the Presidency when Taylor died of a stomach bug in office. I tried to find one interesting thing about him, but even his biography on the White House’s official website describes him as an “uninspiring man”, which, honestly, is kind of inspiring. It just goes to show that with a little luck and some lethal diarrhea even the most unremarkable, unassertive person imaginable can accidentally become president.

45. Franklin Pierce – 0.0

Franklin Pierce was a career politician, infamous alcoholic, and supporter of slavery often described by his contemporaries as a “hero of many a well-fought bottle.” He did serve as a volunteer general in the Mexican-American War, but was never confirmed to have killed anyone and, in fact, fainted during one battle due to a leg injury, earning him the nickname “Fainting Frank.”

44. Jimmy Carter – 0.0

Jimmy Carter has never killed and will never die. Before you try to correct me, just know he’s already reincarnated. Long live President Jimmy.

43. Calvin Coolidge – 0.0

Calvin Coolidge was a bona-fide yankee doodle dandy, born on the Fourth of July, 1872. He never killed anyone, but he was a vocal supporter of the Civil Rights Movement, and a collector of wildlife. On January 5th, 1933, President Coolidge died, and forty-five days later was reincarnated as musician, filmmaker, and activist Yoko Ono. Welcome back, Mr. President!

42. Martin Van Buren – 0.0

Martin Van Buren was a boring, old career politician who had no confirmed kills throughout his lifetime. However, a medium at Hard Drive was able to speak with Van Buren’s ghost, who claims to have posthumously killed 36 angels and counting.

41. Abraham Lincoln – 0.0

During his lifetime, Abraham Lincoln killed neither man nor vampire, unfortunately. However, Hard Drive’s medium was able to speak with Lincoln as well, who admitted “If I’d known that play was going to be my last, I would’ve sprung for Hadestown.”

40. William Henry Harrison – 0.0

Although William Henry Harrison fought in several battles and ordered the killing of scores of Native Americans, he was never confirmed to have killed anyone himself. He served as a great President for several years, before dying valiantly to save our country. No, wait, wrong notes. He actually served as President for 31 days before drinking some especially dirty water and dying miserably.

39. Chester A. Arthur – 0.0

These non-killers are becoming a bit tedious so we’re going to go ahead and rapid fire the next few. For Arthur: BORING. NO KILLS. GOOFY FACIAL HAIR.

38. Herbert Hoover – 0.0

BORING. Couldn’t fulfill one single campaign promise, much less kill anyone.

37. Dwight D. Eisenhower – 0.0

BORING. Looks like a skinwalker posing as an accountant.

36. William Howard Taft – 0.0

William Howard Taft killed nobody, but served as Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court after his Presidency. Taft resigned from the Supreme Court in 1930 in order to pursue his true passion of succumbing to heart disease.

35. James Garfield – 0.0

BORING. Shot first year in office, seemed okay for a bit, died two-and-a-half months later.

34. John Quincy Adams – 0.0

John Quincy Adams never killed anyone, and would be considered boring if not for the fact that he owned an alligator.

33. John Adams – 0.0

John Adams killed no one, and had neither alligator nor cool middle name (like many of our founding fathers, Adams had no middle name at all). In addition to his real-life death due to a heart attack, Adams was posthumously lampooned and humiliated by Lin Manuel Miranda with the conception of Hamilton.

32. John F. Kennedy – 0.0

John F. Kennedy killed nobody in his lifetime, and is widely believed to have been assassinated in Dallas, Texas on November 22, 1963. However, several eyewitnesses swear to have seen President Kennedy die heroically no less than 382 times while fighting Thunderblight Ganon at the Battle of Vah Naboris.

31. Woodrow Wilson – 0.0

BORING. Really, really, really, really did not want the United States to get involved in World War I.

30. Rutherford B. Hayes – 0.0

Although Rutherford B. Hayes was wounded several times fighting for the Union during the Civil War, he was never confirmed to have killed anyone. Sometimes the best revenge is living well in a slavery-free country.

29. John Tyler – 0.0

BORING. HUGE Confederacy supporter who fathered 15 children throughout his life, the last of whom was born when Tyler was 63 years old.

28. Benjamin Harrison – 0.0

Benjamin Harrison never killed anyone, but he, unlike a lot of the other posers on this list, actually did some damn good during his Presidency, establishing three whole National Parks throughout his time in office.

27. Warren G. Harding – 0.0

With no kills to his name, Warren G. Harding’s primary accomplishments as President include presiding over one of the most corrupt administrations in U.S. history, and writing weird-ass love letters to several mistresses. To each their own, I guess.

26. Thomas Jefferson – 0.0008

President Thomas Jefferson, the first president on this list with a non-zero K/D never actually killed anyone himself, but he did have a Shetland Sheep that killed a young boy on the White House lawn. We’re going to go ahead and count that as an assist in his favor. Unfortunately, President Jefferson was also a prolific slave owner, and most of the ~600 slaves he owned over the course of his life never saw freedom, so we’re going to count those 600 deaths against him. Fuck you, Mr. President, enjoy shoveling sulfur.

25. James Buchanan – 1.0

James Buchanan was a lame old Federalist lawyer who never saw much need for violence to get his way. However, in 1859, American abolitionist John Brown carried out his raid on the US military arsenal at Harpers Ferry in an attempt to arm and incite a slave revolt. President Buchanan, in his immense lack of wisdom, simply couldn’t allow the American people to stand up for what was right. Thus, President Buchanan sent troops to Harpers Ferry to capture John Brown, who was then tried and executed, as is the American way.

24. James K. Polk – 1.7

Upon his election to the Presidency in 1844, James K. Polk was eager to use his Presidential powers to rack up a historic kill count, and thus dove straight into war with Mexico. This certainly did garner quite a few kills for the President, causing about 25,000 Mexican casualties throughout the course of the war. However, the war had a heavy cost for us here in the States as well, as we lost about 15,000 Americans in the Mexican-American War.

22/23. Grover Cleveland – 2.0

Almost two decades before President Cleveland came to call 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue home, he served as Sheriff of Erie County, New York. During his time as Sheriff, Grover Cleveland was tasked with overseeing the execution of two murderers, Patrick Morrissey and John Gaffney. Rather than delegate the executions to his deputy, Grover Cleveland elected instead to carry out the sentences himself, holding aloft his familial greatsword of Valyrian steel, and cleaving the men’s heads clean off their shoulders.

21. Bill Clinton – 3.0

While former President Clinton never necessarily served in combat or murdered anyone directly, a spokesperson for the Writers Guild of America reports that no less than three writers for The Tonight Show were worked to death in 1998 while churning out Monica Lewinsky jokes for an insatiable Leno.

20. George W. Bush – 10.0

In an interview with Hard Drive, former President George W. Bush described the one kill that still eludes him, “I’ve been hunting a man by the name of Jack Harrison since ‘79. I’ve come close a few times, but the bastard’s too damn quick. Rest assured, though, I’ll get ‘im.”

19. Ulysses S. Grant – 20.0

President Ulysses S. Grant saw a good deal of combat during the Mexican-American War, operating a Howitzer and serving in the army that took California from Mexico, so thanks for that, I guess.

18. William McKinley – 20.0

Former President William McKinley served in the Civil War, where he was promoted from a Private to a Major for his actions on the battlefield. His presidency was very quickly ended by an anarchist, because anarchists know how to get a job done.

17. Gerald Ford – 20.0

President Gerald Ford was no stranger to combat, as he served aboard an aircraft carrier in World War II, which is all well and good, but what really makes ol’ Jerry stand out among the other Presidents on this list is that he took home 2 Natties for University of Michigan’s football team in 1932 and 1933. William McKinley wouldn’t fucking dare.

16. James Monroe – 21.0

James Monroe collected quite the respectable body count as a low-level soldier during the Revolutionary War, with many even describing him as a “terrific shot.” Additionally, we threw one more kill on the pile due to the fact that Monroe absolutely slaughtered Rufus King in the 1816 election.

15. Zachary Taylor – 50.0

Former President Zachary Taylor commanded several battles in both the War of 1812 and the Mexican-American War, with some historians theorizing that Taylor was actually killed some time around the end of the War of 1812, only to return shortly after as the newly-ordained White Wizard of the Istari

14. George Washington – 51.0

In addition to George Washington’s combat kills during both the French and Indian War and the American Revolutionary War, Washington also ordered the execution of at least 1 British spy.

UNCONFIRMED: While Washington is officially documented to only have died once, several written accounts from the period report that the President had ordered the installation of hundreds of Hyperion New-U Stations across the thirteen colonies.

13. Teddy Roosevelt – 66.0

Aside from having at least one confirmed kill recorded in his Congressional Medal of Honor Citation, Teddy Roosevelt also boasted about killing many men during the Battle of San Juan Hill, and served as Commissioner of the NYPD which, at the time, was known for being extremely corrupt. Some things never change.

12. James Madison – 148.5

At press time, James Madison has been spotted alive and well in Argentina, chilling with Tupac and that guy from Tiger King.

11. Andrew Jackson – 801.0

Andrew Jackson, one of the pettiest little genocidal fuckers to ever serve as Commander-in-Chief, was known for dueling and killing one man for accusing him of cheating on a horse bet, and then killing several hundred more men for being Native American, really setting the bar for how much of a giant twat the leader of the free world has the power to be.

10. Barack Obama – 2,000.0

Barack Obama ordered around 2,000 deaths via drone strike over the course of his time in the Oval Office. However, President Obama maintains to this day that it wasn’t until after the strikes had been carried out that Harrison Ford revealed to him that the “simulated enemies” were real Pakistani citizens all along.

9. Andrew Johnson – 2,004.0

During his presidency, Andrew Johnson ordered the execution of 4 conspirators involved in the Lincoln assassination, and then seemingly forgot Lincoln entirely when he did not one damn thing to stop over 2,000 lynchings and the rise of the Ku Klux Klan.

8. Franklin D Roosevelt – 30,004.0

It’s estimated that during World War II, Americans killed around 200,000 Nazis in total. Although, FDR personally only slew only about 30,000. He also annihilated his political opponents in a bunch of Presidential elections.

7. Joe Biden – 40,000.0

President Joe Biden, the soft-spoken everyman of Scranton, Pennsylvania, proved his commitment to the little guy by spending four years unabashedly funding the ongoing genocide in the West Bank, effectively footing the bill for the murder of 40,000 Palestinian men, women, and children during his term as President. Biden refused to learn his lesson, though, as he went on to ignore his constituents’ calls for ceasefire, notoriously fumbling what should have been an easy re-election.

6. Ronald Reagan – 90,000.0

Though Ronald Reagan may have been a decent public speaker, he was absolutely god-awful at listening, as The Gipper routinely ignored film critics, constituents, political advisors, and over 90,000 Americans dying from the AIDS virus.

5. George H.W. Bush – 160,050

On the campaign trail in 1988, Bush Senior famously claimed that he wanted to transform the United States into a “kinder, gentler nation,” and if the Gulf War represents the actions of that kinder, gentler nation, I would hate to see what the United States was like in 1988.

4. Lyndon B. Johnson – 340,001.0

Lyndon B. Johnson was relentless in his pursuit of victory in Vietnam, sending more US troops there than any other President. His efforts were successful, and the United States won the war in Vietnam, successfully preventing the domino effect from coming to fruition and eradicating Communism forever.*

*CITATION NEEDED.

3. Donald Trump – 350,000.0

Among Trump’s most notable achievements was horribly mismanaging the COVID-19 Pandemic during the last year of his presidency, which caused the deaths of about 350,000 US citizens before he left office. Now, obviously it would be a little bit unfair to accredit every single one of those deaths to former President Trump, so we’re going to be lenient and say five of them were not his fault. Unfortunately, Trump’s glorified terror attack on the Capitol during his final month in office cost exactly five American lives.

2. Richard Nixon – 500,000.0

Say what you want about Tricky Dick, but he was committed to winning the war in Vietnam, no matter how many innocent Cambodian lives he had to end to do it. His senseless killing paid off in the final years of his campaign, when he triumphantly lost the Vietnam War and then got his goofy ass ousted from public office. Nice going, Mr. President.

1. Harry S. Truman – 700,000.0

After causing so, so many innocent deaths in the Korean War, President Harry S. Truman decided his civilian-killing numbers weren’t quite up to snuff for a Commander-in-Chief, so he went on to order the dropping of the atomic bombs in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, cementing himself as the only person to ever use nuclear weapons in an armed conflict as well as the most bloodthirsty sack of shit to ever grace the Oval Office. Hail to the Chief(s), and may God save us all from the next one.

Report: Calvin’s Bladder Empty

Posted on by Nick Coffman

CHAGRIN FALLS, Ohio — After relieving himself on everything that is actively disliked by large numbers of people, a local child, simply known as “Calvin” has reported that his bladder is now empty. The mischievous six-year-old confirmed his condition in a blog post on his website, UnauthorizedPiss.gov.

“The tank is officially empty,” Calvin’s blog starts. “I didn’t think it was possible, but I’ve peed on just about everything. Fords, Xboxs, political leaders, you name it, there’s been a request for me to drop my pants and pee on it. It’s been fun. I just hope everyone remembers not to tell my mom and dad about these unauthorized urinations, or I’ll be in big trouble.”

What started as a joke, became a golden, luke-warm ticket for Calvin as more and more “pee requests” trickled in. It’s a source of revenue, that while now cut-off, is of no concern to the young entrepreneur. 

“I’m six, I’ve got my whole life ahead of me to figure out how to make a living. Yeah, I would love to keep peeing on things, but that’s just not a realistic outlook,” Calvin relents in his blog. “I’ll tell you what I’m not going to do. I’m not going to sell out like the kid down the street, oh what’s his name, Chuck Brown? I think it’s Chuck Brown. That blockhead wants to be an insurance company mascot. What kid wants to sell insurance? Get your head in the clouds Chuck. You could be an astronaut, or a firefighter. I’d rather do math homework than ever be a mascot for insurance, whatever that is.”

A source close to Calvin, who chose to remain anonymous for this story, worries the young boy may have tarnished his image by peeing on things.

“Why do people need this young boy to pee on something they don’t like? Can’t they just dislike it in silence and not make their hate a part of their personality,” the anonymous tiger said in a phone call. “Calvin should be going on adventures and peeing on things for fun, not to send a message.”

At press time, Calvin reportedly was trying to work up a stream of urine while standing over Donald Trump as requested by the president-elect himself.

Man Forgets to Skip his Meundies Order for the 28th Month in a row

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

SANDUSKY, Ohio — Bad news for Glenn Williamson. It seems he’s once again forgotten to skip his monthly order from Meundies and will be receiving another pair in the mail this month. This is the 28th month in a row Williamson has made this mistake and friends and family are beginning to wonder why he doesn’t just cancel his account.

“It’s honestly crazy to me he still has that membership,” Commented Williamson’s partner, David. “Whenever I do the laundry I have no idea where to put his pajama bottoms. His bottom two drawers are all whimsical pairs of boxer briefs. He doesn’t even throw out the old ones! He’s just accumulating so many and spending money that could be going towards something else, anything else! Like socks even! I know they sell socks, why doesn’t he order some of those? Lord knows he needs new ones.”

When reached for comment Williamson simply let out a bunch of expletives and simply said “No. not again!” It’s unclear whether or not he was more frustrated at himself for his own forgetfulness or simply the realization that another pair would be arriving in the mail soon. Either way the result is the same.

“We always reach out with an email prior to sending each pair to remind our customers it’s coming,” said Brenda, a Meundies customer service representative. “But with high quality micro modal products like these, why would you even want to skip? I’m sure Mr. Williamson will be relieved he didn’t skip when he sees a fun new print arrive in his mailbox this week!”

At press time Greg Williamson has still not canceled his account, assuring those closest to him that he’ll “get around to it eventually”.

Facebook Classifies Phrase “Mid-Life Crisis” as Banned Hate Speech

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced additional changes to the company’s moderation policies, including a new list of banned terms, sources confirmed.

“Facebook and Instagram users of all temporal identities should feel welcome on our platforms,” said Zuckerberg. “Individuals who make hateful remarks about the clothing and haircuts of anyone born before the year 2000 will be immediately suspended, especially if those clothes actually look really, really cool. Additionally, anyone who makes disparaging remarks about divorced men or starts dating my wife will be permanently banned from all Meta platforms.”

Facebook users said they were still adjusting to the changes.

“I have a buddy who got banned for commenting, ‘OK boomer,’ under a post complaining about gender-neutral bathrooms,” said Tyler Cranston, 20. “I know better than to be that blatant, though. I watched the video of that weird, curly-haired old guy, where he told everyone to stop making fun of him. I get why they keep doing it, though. He just looks like one of those pale, shapeless fish from way at the bottom of the ocean. You know, like all really old people do. Maybe he should try mewing to get his jawline right.”

Gerontologist Dr. Steven Malloy explained the sudden change in Zuckerberg’s behavior.

“This is just a natural effect of his aging body,” said Malloy. “Every day presents a new challenge for him. New aches, pains. His mind is a bit slower. More and more wrinkles, a retreating hairline. Maybe his memory is slipping, too, and he’s having a bit of trouble managing his day-to-day life. He may struggle to get an erection. It happens to everyone. You really have two choices. You can take a moment to process the changes and understand that you are still yourself, and a person worthy of love and respect, even if you’re not quite as quick or strong as you used to be. Or you can panic, blame all of your problems on a vulnerable minority, and promote a nascent authoritarian regime. It all comes down to whether you are a good person or a festering pile of maggot-covered shit in human form.”

At press time, Zuckerberg was seen wearing sunglasses and purchasing an F-22 Raptor, asking the salesman if he could, “fly it with the top down.”

Game Night: The 2024 Clean-Up Continues With ‘Neva’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

Neva is the video game equivalent of Oscar bait. It’s in no way bad, but it’s part of a specific formula that goes back for over 20 years now. “You (possibly with a [pet/sidekick/sibling]) explore a big scary world full of creatures of darkness with minimal exposition” is video games’ answer to the star-studded historical dramedy. If anybody ever gets someone like Christopher Nolan to make an Ico clone, the resulting product and/or service will win enough awards to warp local space-time.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Neva. I was pretty sure I would, which was part of why I didn’t cover it before now; it seemed like Neva was already guaranteed to find an audience. As long as I’m running clean-up on 2024’s indie games, though, there’s no reason not to cover it.

Neva is the second game from Nomada Studio, the Spanish developer that made 2018’s Gris. It’s easiest to describe as a short, occasionally challenging puzzle-platformer, but its visuals absolutely carry the show. Neva is 4 hours of surreal landscape paintings with a video game attached.

You play Neva as Alba, a young swordswoman who lives in a vast forest with her young wolf companion Neva. One summer, a corruptive force invades the forest, which tears apart and warps the landscape while turning many of the local animals into monsters. Alba and Neva are forced into a running battle for survival that unfolds over the following seasons as their world slowly dies around them.

At least, I think that’s what’s going on. Neva tells most of its story through context and visuals, with no expository dialogue; I only know your character’s name is “Alba” because the official website says as much. As a result, much of Neva is open to interpretation, as a dark fantasy adventure and/or a parable about the experience of raising children in the Anthropocene.

I initially thought that was all it’d be. The first half-hour of the game is also its weakest point, where you spend a lot of time running past colorful vistas without much in the way of actual gameplay. As the corruption spreads through the forest, however, you’re given more to do.

Before too long, Neva turns into a gauntlet of monsters, toxic vines, strange ruins, and the disintegrating landscape. If you’re the sort of person who clears Super Meat Boy for fun, there isn’t much in Neva that will slow you down, but it’s got a few decent challenges in store.

Neva only has three health points, but you can restore them by landing six hits in a row, which sets up a smooth and intuitive flow to its combat. You’re on a razor’s edge much of the time, but it’s easy to make up for your mistakes as long as you pay attention to enemies’ patterns.

Some of those are mitigated by Neva herself. Initially, she’s a defenseless puppy. While Neva is never actually an escort mission, its first level is mostly about shepherding Neva to safety as the forest continues to devolve. By the second level, the seasons have turned and Neva has grown up a little, so now she can take care of herself. Before long, you’re more like Neva’s sidekick than anything else, in an experience that’s meant to recall the relationship between a parent and a growing child.

It’s a carefully designed, beautiful experience, but Neva does run into a couple of the usual pitfalls you get with this kind of environmental storytelling. There are a couple of areas where it’s difficult to tell what you’re meant to be doing, due to color contrast, inconsistent signposts, or the camera panning too far out to make out important details.

If Neva has a single big problem, however, it’s that first half-hour. It’s never less than fascinating to look at, with a closer grip on its visual storytelling than most games even try for, but the opening level did make me wonder if it was just a vaguely interactive movie. If you give it a chance, Neva opens up into a short, often emotional game with enough challenge to keep it interesting.

Anecdotally, it seems like I’m not hearing as much about Neva as I did about Gris back in 2018. I do remember there being a sort of anti-hype cycle with Gris, where it got initial raves but didn’t catch on as hard with a mainstream audience. I wonder if Neva is suffering as a result, or if it got a comparatively weak initial reception due to the packed release schedule last October.

It’s worth your time, though. Many games I’ve played that look this good were barely games at all, but Neva finds a solid overall balance. It’s a decent action-platformer, as well as a solid achievement in interactive storytelling.

[Neva, developed by Nomada Studio and published by Devolver Digital, is now available for PlayStation 4&5, Xbox Series X|S, Nintendo Switch, and PC for $19.99. This column was written with a copy of the game purchased on Steam.]

 

Man’s Personal Finances Really Banking on End of Life Mario Party Bonus

Posted on by Cameron Lehr

CHICAGO — Thomas Porter, 42, is flat broke. The IRS has confirmed that despite previously having a comfortable amount in savings, a number of bad investments and a few emergency expenses left Porter on his financial last legs. Porter is really hoping that end of life bonus stars come through for him.

“If I’ve learned anything from playing Mario Party, no matter how well you’re doing by the end of the game the bonus stars can make or break you. It’s not like I blew all my coins at the Item shop on Mushrooms and Iced Coffee. It’s just been a rough game for me and unless I get some crazy bonus stars I know Tonya is going to leave me,” Porter was overheard saying to his financial planner.

Reporters asked Porter’s wife Tonya how this situation has affected the dynamic within the family, and she had this to say.

“I keep telling him even if they really did give out bonus stars, there’s no way he’d get one. Clearly we’re not going to be winning Most Coins otherwise I could afford to get the kids new shoes. Plus to win Most Event Spaces I’m pretty sure you have to get off the couch every now and again.”

Financial planner Jake Bucksworth was asked if he had any alternative plans to save Porter’s finances.

“I haven’t fully given up on trying to save Mr. Porter’s finances before the game ends. He’s only 15 Turns in out of 20. Under my guidance Mr. Porter has already gotten quite a few job interviews. Unfortunately each interview has turned out to be a trap set by Bowser. Despite these setbacks it’s only a matter of time before things turn around. After all, there’s only so many coins Bowser can take. Mr. Porter may have lost his fortune but once he gets a lucky minigame win, his investments will soar.”

At press time, Tonya is braving it on the job market while Porter himself is grinding minigames.