Local Man Wakes Up Bright and Early to Focus on All the Stuff He Hates

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

CHICAGO — A local cynic has outlined his daily routine, which involves waking up several hours before work in order to get a head start on all of the day’s hatings. 

“Ooh did you see this shit,” said Adam Whitaker, over a morning cup of coffee. “Midnight Suns on the Switch got canceled. That’s so funny. What a piece of shit system. I always go to Nintendo Life first thing in the morning, to see what stupid shit they’re up to. It makes me so glad I don’t have a Switch, or anything Nintendo related at all, actually. I can’t even remember the last video game I got really into, if I’m being honest. Oh shit, I better head to Kotaku and see what garbage they wrote today.”

Friends of Whitaker’s aren’t sure why he wakes up two hours before work to catch up on things that don’t seem to interest him. 

“Every day I pick him up [for work], and he’s somehow got a half dozen things he has to go on about” said Cole Childs, a coworker of Whitaker’s. “Like bands I’ve never heard of making new albums and people on Twitter saying something about other people on Twitter. He’s all fired up, and I’m like, barely awake. I don’t understand it, but I really do admire his commitment to getting all worked up about weird shit.” 

“Sucks we gotta spend a half hour in the car together every morning,” he added.

As of press time, Whitaker had declined to meet up with coworkers over the weekend, as he insisted he had a lot to catch up on at home. 

Everything We Know About Starfield

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Starfield is set to be the biggest game of the year (*cough* outside of Tears of the Kingdom), but what do we actually know about? A whole lot, actually. Here’s all those things:

The game will go ‘Kaboom’ and ‘Pshew’ and ‘Ker-Blamm’

Bethesda has revealed the game will contain a wide variety of exciting space noises

Will feature over 250,000 lines of dialogue 

We are told this is a good thing 

Fully-Romanceable Todd Howard

Starfield will allow players to live the fantasy of being monogamous to game developer Todd Howard and nobody else

Realistic spaceship controls 

Bethesda has stated that the controls are so accurate the average player has no chance of successfully maneuvering the game’s vehicles through outer space.

Bethesda is willing to delay the game if Dominic doesn’t clean his room 

Come on man, don’t fuck this up for all of us. 

The story is set in the year 2310

Starfield’s narrative is largely focused on the main characters picking up old broadcasts from Earth and getting really into Family Guy and the NBA. 

It’s being called ‘Skyrim in space’ 

Due to both Bethesda’s involvement and horses being the main mode of transportation in both games. 

There will be an online showcase focused on the game next month 

Bethesda is expecting to announce more details about the game’s plot, gameplay, and delay until 2024

All glitches are on purpose

If you catch a glitch in the game, no you fucking didn’t. That was on purpose and it’s to make the game funnier or something like that

Everything We Know About the Next Avatar Movies

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Avatar: The Way of Water quickly became one of the highest grossing movies of all time, solidifying our future as one that contains several more Avatar movies. Here’s everything we were able to find out about them.

There will be more colors of Na’vi

James Cameron has confirmed that Avatar 3 will feature red Na’vi who hang out around fire, green Na’vi who live in meadows, and yellow Na’vi who drink their own urine

Sigourney Weaver will be lowered into a volcano

Sigourney has learned to hold her breath for up to 8 minutes for a sequence in the upcoming film in which the crew will drop her into a real volcano

No Sam Worthington

Avatar star Sam Worthington has vowed to only be in one popular movie every 10 years

Stephen Lang redemption arc

Land’s character Miles Quaritch may still be the villain of the movies, but Stephen will atone for the sins he has committed in the real world

Welcome to the Jungle

Cameron has secured Guns N’ Roses’ hit song Welcome to the Jungle and plans to play it over every sequence involving a jungle in the next four Avatar movies

Avatar the Last Airbender

Cameron bought the rights to the other Avatar series to shut it down and make sure that no one ever fucking talks about it again

Jewish Na’vi

The water Na’vi of Avatar: The Way of Water were heavily inspired by the Maori people, but Avatar 3 will prominently feature a clan of Na’vi “Jewish in every way,” according to Cameron.

‘Avatar’ Backwards Is ‘Ravata’

This is undeniably true. Try to tell us it’s fake. We’ll kill you

Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat reportedly not featured 

Same as the first two Avatar movies

The souvenir popcorn bucket is a scam

Even though the fast-talking AMC employee will try to upsell you into the ornate bucket with all the Avatar characters, you’ll only refill that thing, like, twice. 

Scholars Finally Agree on the Great American Novel

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Concluding decades of informal debate, scholars have unanimously declared the great American novel: the adaptation of popular NES game Mega Man II from 1990. 

“I think we can call it, this is as good as it gets,” said esteemed author and critic Arthur Worthington of the novel, part of the Worlds of Power anthology that also included Ninja Gaiden and Bases Loaded II. “The characters, the action sequences, the imagery. This is the novel in its finest form, and I cannot wait to read it again and again. And at a slim 73 pages, it can be done pretty easily!” 

The declaration was made at the end of a three day conference held to determine which book deserves the reputation of “The Great American Novel.” Several books were reportedly in the running before the beat-up copy of Mega Man II started circulating the event and winning the panel over. 

“With my apologies to Twain, Faulkner, and Hemingway,” said Samuel Prescott, a literature professor at Yale and fellow attendee of the symposium. “I think Ellen Miles’ tale of fatherhood, betrayal, and a kid throwing boomerangs at robotic monkeys, is the quintessential American novel. It tells a story of man and machine, of humanity’s inherent desire to conquer and control the environments around them. And of course nature pushes back, and they meet resistance from the personification of these elements in the form of Metal Man, Air Man and Wood Man. Powerful stuff.”

“I’m, uh, still trying to work out how Bubble Man fits into it all,” he continued. “But that’s what great art does, it challenges you to keep thinking long after you finish. This book should be taught in every classroom in America, plain and simple.” 

As of press time, the gathered scholars were thrilled to find out there was a video game version of Mega Man II that they could play.

Waiter Launches Into Unskippable Tutorial Describing Menu After Man Accidentally Says He’s Never Been There Before

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

PLAINFIELD, N.J. — A waiter at Birchwood Burgers and Brews, a local restaurant that serves traditional pub fare, gave a lengthy, step-by-step explanation of how to read and order menu items after a patron accidentally responded in the negative when asked if he had ever been to the establishment before, sources confirmed.

“In the upper left of your menu, you’ll see a section labeled ‘Drinks,’” the waiter is reported to have said after introducing himself as Guy D. “This section lists the different beverages you can order. You’ll notice that the drinks are divided by type. At the top, you’ll see cocktails. These drinks are often the strongest and most flavorful, but that strength comes at a cost!” After exhaustively explaining each option, Guy concluded by inviting the party to try ordering drinks right now.

Jacob, a regular visitor to the establishment, said he overheard the waiter’s monologue from his seat at the bar.

“After he took their drink orders, he just kept on going with the rest of the tutorial. He didn’t even put the orders in,” said Jacob. “Every now and then, Guy would ask if they understood, and that one dude gave the wrong answer every single time. I think he was confused because Guy kept phrasing it slightly differently.”

The man who prompted the lengthy explanation, a local 30-year-old photographer named Max, says he doesn’t think he did anything unreasonable.

“The way he asked us so pointedly if we had ever been here before, I just assumed there must be some unique way that food is ordered here,” said Max after the waiter had finished the tutorial and left to get the party’s drinks. “I didn’t get why everybody at the table was so exasperated when I said it was my first time here. How was I supposed to know that the ordering procedures are exactly the same as every other establishment in the United States of America? I’ll take the blame for asking to hear about the specials, though. I don’t think I’ve ever actually ordered one. They seem too complicated.”

At press time, Max and his friends had just received their drinks. Max immediately screwed up his entree order and admitted that he had not really been paying attention to the tutorial.

Why Xbox Sales Are Declining

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

While Sony continues to report positive news about sales of the PlayStation 5, Xbox sales were down 30% last quarter. What has led to Microsoft’s struggle to keep up when it comes to selling systems?

Series X and Series S are confusing names

Obviously the Xbox One should have been the Xbox 361 and then we’d be talking about the Xbox 362. It would all be so much easier.

They aren’t PlayStations

People love the PlayStation! Microsoft should try making one

Electricity is the Devil’s blood

Microsoft is currently struggling to market the expensive at-home gaming console to the Amish demographic

Yo-yo’s are, like, six bucks

While the Xbox has one of the strongest library of games, with revolutionary exclusive titles like Forza and Halo, gamers have come to realize you can’t even Walk the Dog with the next gen console

I dunno. Covid or whatever. Yeah

Taken from Microsoft’s official statement to investors

Owning an Xbox is against Jewish law

The Torah is pretty clear God’s chosen people are to be PC Gamers

All the good gamertags are taken

No self-respecting gamer is going to shell out $500 just to settle for Pu$$ySlayer68

Gaming is a stupid and expensive waste of time and energy

Many potential Microsoft customers are starting to realize this fundamental truth

Xboxes can’t play UMD movies

It’s a small number of people that are still supporting the format, but these things add up!

We Can Only Rank the Kingdom Hearts Games, It’s Up to You and Your God to Know If You Need to Play Them

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

If someone asks you a question about Kingdom Hearts, it’s probably something about the complicated story or how stupid the whole thing is in the first place (for reference, the answers to those questions are “not actually that complicated” and “extremely stupid”). But without a doubt, you’re going to get asked if you really need to play all the games. For a series that only has three numbered titles, there sure are a lot of these things. And the important story stuff? They’re not in the ones you think! 

So buckle up your Gummi Ship, cause we’re about to rank these suckers from best to worst. We’ll tell you which are worth your time and which should be locked in the Disney Vault forever next to Song of the South and the Epcot show where Martin Short teaches you about sperm. 

But can we tell you if you SHOULD play these games? When you think about it, you don’t NEED to play any video game. You’ll probably have a more productive life if you stay away from this shit. You could use that brain space to cure cancer, or solve climate change, or write the great American Novel, instead of learning about how Ansem, Seeker of Darkness was actually a man named Xehanort who was the apprentice of Ansem the Wise and gave himself willingly to the Darkness, turning himself into a Heartless but also creating a Nobody named Xemnas…

Sorry about that. Went into a fugue state for a moment. Anyway, you gotta decide for yourself if you’re gonna play these games or not. We’ll tell you where you can play them, and which ones suck ass, but we bear no responsibility for what happens to you if you walk this road.

Editor’s note: if I get any of these pictures wrong, I don’t want to fucking hear it. I don’t care. These games are stupid. – Jeremy 

#12 —  Kingdom Hearts X/Unchained X/Union Cross/Dark Road

If there’s one thing Japanese video companies love, it’s gacha mobile games! I’m dumping these together because they’re the exact same game. You’re a Keyblade Wielder way before the rest of the series begins, and you bop around and learn the secret lore behind the whole series and how the main villain became evil. You have to collect these badges to fight, and you can barely progress without spending real money. And I know what you’re thinking, “I’ll just ignore these games, they’re not going to put anything important in the mobile game.” WRONG. The lore revealed in these games is what’s driving the series forward in the next game. And a ton of it isn’t even online anymore! Go look up a plot summary on YouTube and save yourself from this shit. 

WHERE TO PLAY: Check your phone’s app store if you must. There’s also a movie called Kingdom Hearts Unchained X Back Cover in the Kingdom Hearts 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue collection. It is not an adaptation of the game. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. 

#11 — Kingdom Hearts Re:Coded

Tetsuya Nomura, the creative mind behind Kingdom Hearts, has no idea how a computer works. This DS game is a remake of a Japanese mobile phone game and has you playing as a “Data-Sora” who is in a “Dataspace” made from the journal of Jiminy Cricket, and you have to fight computer viruses. It is the least essential game in the entire series. There is nothing of note that happens story-wise. The gameplay is a rehash of the first game, and if you want to play that, there are other options on this list. The Olympus level does turn into an old-school Final Fantasy turn-based RPG which is fun. You can look at a screenshot and get the idea. 

WHERE TO PLAY: You can find the DS cart lying around most used game stores. They turned it into a 3 hour long cutscene in the Kingdom Hearts 2.5 HD Remix collection. Don’t watch it. 

#10 — Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days

I know, I know. The name is funny. But if you play this game and learn why it’s called that, you’ll understand that it’s extremely devastating AND really funny. This is a game about how going to work sucks. You play as Roxas, a keyblade wielder with a MYSTERIOUS connection to Sora, and you have to do menial labor for the bad guys until you lose your mind and quit mid-shift. I’m being glib, but this game’s story is maybe the most effective one in the entire series. There’s one cutscene that brings me to tears every time. Unfortunately, the gameplay in this one is busy work, an attempt to bring the combat of the other games to the Nintendo DS that just feels off. They turned this one into a movie too, but the story doesn’t hit as hard without spending all that time playing. Nomura, remake this game and make it fun, and I’ll send it up to the top of the list. 

WHERE TO PLAY: This one is also trapped on the Nintendo DS. You can watch the movie version in the Kingdom Hearts 1.5 HD Remix Collection. 

#9 — Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep -A fragmentary passage-

People give 358/2 shit for having an insane name, but this one really takes the cake. If you’re a connoisseur of tech demos, you’ll love this one. You have to understand. When this game came out, we hadn’t gotten a new Kingdom Hearts game on a home console in 11 years. 11 years! We needed this! It’s a two-hour-long showcase for what Kingdom Hearts III was going to be like, and we only had to wait *checks notes* two more years after this for that. 

WHERE TO PLAY: This game is playable in Kingdom Hearts 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue (GET IT????).

#8 — Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance

Rounding out the “deranged names” part of the list (except for the other ones), we have the series’ 3DS entry. You know it came out earlier in the system’s life cycle because it’s being all clever with the 3 D’s. A real “two steps forward, one step back” kind of game. It finally pushed the series’ storyline forward after several prequels and gives the action RPG combat a sense of speed and verticality the PSP and DS entries couldn’t. But the game forces you to switch between its two protagonists without your control, it’s very easy to abuse the “flowmotion” movement system to trivialize exploration, and you unlock new abilities by engaging in sub-Pokemon virtual pet minigames. The world selection in this game is A+, though. You get to hang out with Jeff Bridges AND Horrifying De-Aged Jeff Bridges from Tron: Legacy!

HOW TO PLAY: It’s in Kingdom Hearts 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue, or you can track down the 3DS cart. 

#7 — Kingdom Hearts Re:Chain of Memories

Where to start here? A PS2 remake of a GBA game that is an interquel between the first and second games and uses models from Kingdom Hearts 1 but all the voice actors sound like they’re in Kingdom Hearts II. Try saying that three times fast, or at all! The series’ action RPG gameplay is translated into a collectible card game. You can stack three Goofy cards to make a more powerful Goofy attack at the expense of losing one of your Goofy cards. It’s surprisingly deep, and you can spend a lot of time building decks. Unfortunately, the story just sends you through an abbreviated version of the first game. But Kingdom Hearts II expects you’ve played this and will not do anything to help you catch up. The rot was here at the beginning, folks!

WHERE TO PLAY: This one is found in Kingdom Hearts 1.5 HD Remix. There was also a small print run on PS2 if you’re a retro person. 

#6 — Kingdom Hearts Chain Of Memories

The GBA version is better. 

WHERE TO PLAY: Only on Game Boy AdvanceTM

#5 — Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep

I didn’t have a PSP as a kid, and you better believe I poured over the magazine previews and online articles just imagining what this prequel might contain. Would it tell me what the deal was with the Keyblade Graveyard seen at the end of Kingdom Hearts II? Or how Mickey became a Keyblade Master? Or why Stitch was in these games at all? When I finally got my hands on it, I discovered those answers were “no, kinda” and “I guess?” The game does fill in a lot of gaps in the story, but this is really the game where the lore starts to buckle under its own weight. It makes you play the cramped, lifeless levels three times. The best way to unlock abilities is to play Mario Party (which to be fair, is way better than the virtual pet shit). And yet, the game is still really fun. Aqua and Ventus are engaging characters, and Terra is also there. A solid entry that outstays its welcome.  

WHERE TO PLAY: Find this one in Kingdom Hearts 2.5 HD Remix or pop that UMD into your PSP. 

#4 — Kingdom Hearts Melody of Memory

Even the most snobby among you have to admit the music in the Kingdom Hearts series rips. Yoko Shimomura’s sweeping orchestral score evokes the feeling of being in a Disney movie, creating memorable original tracks when it would have been so easy to just play the hits (give or take a This is Halloween in The Nightmare Before Christmas level). So it was very exciting to get a rhythm game celebrating the series’ great soundtrack, and it’s…pretty good. It doesn’t have as many tracks as you want, and Normal difficulty is too easy while Hard is way too hard. The worst thing about it is that it does Kairi, the series’ #1 damsel in distress, the dirtiest it’s ever done. And that’s saying something! 

WHERE TO PLAY: Available on PS4, Xbox, PC, and Switch. The Switch version will unlock the best version of Dearly Beloved, the series main title theme, in Smash Bros. 

#3 — Kingdom Hearts III

Is it even possible to be objective about this game? I don’t know, man. All I know is that I have rarely felt the kind of joy I felt when I put this game into my PS4. The graphics in this game are absolutely gorgeous. The Toy Story world looks better than most of those movies! The combat is streamlined from the handheld spin-offs, taking the best elements like Shotlocks and Formchanges but letting you button mash without worrying about cooldown meters. But the game is held back by how disconnected it all feels. Nothing you do in the Disney worlds matters to the plot, making the whole game feel like busy work. And the cutscenes hit Kojima levels of bloat. But this game exists. I can hold it in my hand. That’s enough.

WHERE TO PLAY: Available on PS4, Xbox, PC. I heard rumors you can play it on Switch via the cloud, but that would be crazy. 

#2 — Kingdom Hearts

This is a capital-V-capital-G-ass Video Game. Not yet overcome with an overly complicated plot and over-the-top action, the first game in this series is indisputably a game released for the PlayStation 2. You’ve got a miserable camera, awful platforming, and lots of fetch quests. And yet, there’s stuff in this game that I wish the series would return to. Combat is much slower, often pitting you against three or four enemies as opposed to the mobs of the sequel. You can parry enemy attacks to get extra XP, encouraging you to play smarter rather than just button mash. All the elements, good and bad, are here in this first game. Just be prepared to scream because you have to jump across these FUCKING HIPPOS again and again. 

WHERE TO PLAY: Find it in Kingdom Hearts 1.5 HD Remix. 

#1 — Kingdom Hearts II

I’ve been having some fun with this series for this entire article. But enough is enough. This game rocks. Have you seen the combat in this game? Some of the secret bosses in this game ask for Devil May Cry levels of precision. The attacks and animations just feel good. I particularly love the Limit attacks, cinematic team ups with your Disney party members that clear the screen at the cost of your magic meter (and potentially your ability to heal). There’s a cost and reward to every decision you make in combat, and you’re making those decisions constantly. The story builds out the universe without tripping itself up over the lore. And the Steamboat Willie world? Are you kidding me? If I were to tell you to play one of these games, it’d be this one. But as much as I want to, I cannot be held responsible for your decisions. You have to choose now, reader. You have to choose. 

WHERE TO PLAY: This one’s the star attraction in Kingdom Hearts 2.5 HD Remix.

The 8 Worst Resident Evil Games Ever Made

Posted on by Tiago Manuel

In the wake of the Resident Evil 4 remake absolutely rocking, we’ve come up with the definitive list of other Resident Evil games that Capcom should remake, but only because holy shit they suck and those of us who’ve gone through the effort of surviving them deserve our memories replaced. Welcome to our bottom 8 Resident Evil games.

#8 — Resident Evil 0

Some developers of Resident Evil 0 must have looked at the riveting 3D take on the Metroidvania style of overworld the mainline series made everyone love and thought “lol, lmao” at a time when there was no adult in the room to stop them. This game looked just like the spectacular RE1 remake that had come out just a few months prior, but the otherwise gorgeous forced entry in the mainline series gets bogged down by a myriad of unnecessary problems. First, there’s the linearity dictated by the decision of making most of the game take place on a goddamn train. Second, the traditional inventory system is ditched, and players are forced to drop on the map whatever they don’t have space for to retrieve later. Mandatory backtracking is already awful enough; it’s extra evil to make players feel guilty for your own cruel design choices. To cap it all off, players also have to swap between two different playable characters in real time, leaving the character we’re not using at the time at the hands of the CPU. Yeah, there’s no co-op option for a mechanic that feels 100% made for that.

#7 — Outbreak File 2

The original Outbreak wasn’t great, so what can we realistically expect from a game that’s mostly composed of missions that weren’t good enough to make it into the first game? The main draw of Outbreak was allowing players to team up online and try to escape Raccoon City. A cool idea, sure, but only if the game itself is memorable. Sadly, it feels more like an afterthought that brings no new elements to the story and features no memorable set pieces — oh, wait, is that the one with the Zombie elephant? OK, I take that back. That must be so scary for all of the gamers out there who happen to be made out of vegetables.

These games were even worse for anyone playing in Europe, as they only featured online play in the US and Japan. Now imagine living in the parallel universe where Capcom didn’t betray Nintendo and this ended up being the RE title PS2 owners could play while GameCubers were enjoying RE4 exclusivity.

#6 — Resident Evil Deadly Silence

Unlike the gorgeous RE1 remake for the GameCube, this one is for people who wanted a remake of the original game that still looked like crap. It’s officially a Nintendo DS remake of the original game, but we could totally get away with calling it just a weird port whose only real additions are a few mechanics upgrades and a pretty tasteless big-boobies Jill skin.

#5 — Re:Verse:

This one sucks because it’s bad, yeah, but also because it’s not Resident Evil. Oh, that’s not valid criticism anymore because whiny Star Wars fans have exhausted it? OK, but this really is a zombie and monster-free deathmatch featuring only the Resident Good characters. You’re better off just playing, god forgive us, Fortnite instead. Editor’s note: Fortnite rox.

#4 — Resident Evil Resistance

One would be very wrong to assume destiny could provide no better inspiration for a Resident Evil game than a goddamn global pandemic. While we were all enjoying being terrified in the comfort of our homes, Capcom decided to give us REsistance, an online game that allowed players to gather online and fight off hordes of zombies. We totally love Capcom for trying to both fill that vacuum left by Left 4 Dead for the power move of trying to re-gain control of the zombie genre, but this just wasn’t it. The thing about trying to take Left 4 Dead 2’s throne is that you really gotta do something that surpasses a game that’s nearly 20 years old, and it didn’t. Back 4 Blood didn’t do it either, so just go play Left 4 Dead 2 on steam right now. We don’t know when you’ll be reading this, but there are like 30% chances that Steam is selling it for $5 right now.

#3 — Resident Evil 1 Director’s Cut

Resident Evil 1 Director’s Cut is just a cash grab that Capcom pulled in response to the unprecedented success of the original game. Interestingly, RE Director’s Cut doesn’t merely not improve upon the original in any meaningful way, it actively destroys any possible immersion players could experience in the game. The problem? Capcom removed RE’s classic soundtrack because they decided to hire legendary deaf composer Mamoru Samuragochi to come up with an OST worthy of making players want to cut up the director, or whatever. The DC OST sucks ass to a degree that forces me to ask our readers to listen to this and then promise you that I’m not making this shit up.

The only good thing RE Director’s Cut ended up giving us was an unintentionally awesome epilogue. You see, 20 years later we found out that Samuragochi wasn’t deaf nor the guy who came up with the score. This resulted in him losing much of the clout he had enjoyed for so long.

Still, do not, I repeat, do not pay the 50 bucks that retailers are definitely still asking for Resident Evil Director’s Cut if you already own the original game.

#2 — Resident Evil Survivor

Thought the Resident Evil series had all it took to go toe to toe with The House Of The Dead series in the highly lucrative light gun arcade market (i.e. zombies, great voice acting and superb movie adaptations)? Think again, as Survivor marks the only moment in history when abandoning the on-rails format and giving players free-roaming capabilities proved a great mistake. Due to the processing limitations of the original PlayStation, players felt lucky whenever they found a single enemy to kill on screen, then would feel unlucky again because of the combat’s incredibly low speed and high clunkiness. Oh, also, did we mentioned that the US version of this light gun shooter didn’t even have light gun support?

#1 — Resident Evil 6

To be entirely fair, Resident Evil 6 isn’t the worst game in the series. We have just lied to you, yes, but it’s just too late for you to back out now, isn’t It? Allow me to prove my point. Regardless of what position it should occupy on this list, RE6 is the greatest disappointment in the history of the series, and also pretty close to being the worst, actually, yeah.

This massive endeavour tried to give players a multitude of campaigns that offered a variety of play styles and the return of most of series’ protagonists, but it ended up a clunky bloated and still unfun mess.

But some context is warranted. Resident Evil 6 came out during Capcom’s gas leak year decade, a time when Capcom decided the development of their ever-beloved franchises was better off outsourced to random development companies. All in all, considering how much budget, effort, and hype was spent on this game, I declare this the biggest blunder ever associated with the RE name – Yes, wacky CGI and Paul Anderson movies included.

PS: Also, the “6” on the logo totally looks like someone sucking off a giraffe.

AI Used to Make Lifelike Picture of Someone Having Fun Playing a MOBA

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Another startling advancement has been made in AI picture generated technology, as users recently used the popular DaVinci software to produce a shockingly lifelike picture of someone having fun while playing a MOBA (Multiplayer Online Battle Arena) game. 

“Wow, that looks so real it’s actually kind of creepy,” said local gamer Drew Solomon, looking at the AI generated image of a man enjoying his time spent playing League of Legends. “They even got the hands right and everything. Wow, this really proves that there’s nothing these machines can’t do if given the right kind of resources. This is crazy. It’s like staring into a portal into another dimension.” 

The picture, which depicts a teenage male gamer smiling as he chats with friends after narrowly losing a match in the popular online game, debuted online to much criticism. 

“This shit has gone on too far,” said Lee Maxwell, a vocal critic of AI-generated artwork. “I don’t mind having glorified chatbots to goof around with, but once we give these things the power to conjure up the unimaginable, then I truly shudder to think what might come next. If they can make it look like someone had a good time playing a MOBA, I think they can do just about anything, and I’m scared to find out what that is exactly.” 

As of press time, Riot Games had reminded the public that the picture was merely a fabrication, and that their games aren’t meant to be consumed for entertainment purposes. 

Here are the Next Video Game Adaptations We Want to See

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

As The Super Mario Bros. movie passes one billion dollars at the box office, a new wave of cinematic adaptations of video games are inevitable. Here are games we would most like to see turned into full length feature films! 

Burnout 3: Takedown (2004)

Think Fast and the Furious, but instead of impassioned speeches about living life one mile at a time, the ringleader is a heavily concussed man stressing the importance of rolling your car through a four way intersection and seeing how many cars you can bounce it off of. 

FIFA ’22 (2021)

Fans have long clamored for an adaptation of the iconic EA sports title, preferably in the form of multiple 2-Hour installments over a multiple month season

Street Fighter: The Movie (The Arcade Game) (1995)

I’ve always felt there was something oddly cinematic about this game that would make for a great movie. Hell, you could even get Jean Claude Van-Damme to reprise his role as Guile!

Fortnite (2017)

There should be a constant Fortnite movie that’s always going and it’s playing in one screen at the theater and you can always pop your head in and go “oh shit that’s dope,” at whatever’s going on at the moment.

GoldenEye 007 (1997)

GoldenEye would make a sick movie, dude. 

Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 (2001)

A lot of the work is done for anyone looking to turn my favorite video game of all time into a movie. Tony is in an airport at some point, presumably flying to the big tournament on Skater Island, and along the way he has to stop five pickpockets! There’s an action scene right there. Throw in a few jokes, some kind of cute animal sidekick, and a Suicide Machines song or two and there’s a movie there!

Wave Race 64 (1996)

90 minutes of chill jet ski footage with nice music would be better than half the movies that come out every year. Someone should really jump on this one.

Metroid (1986)

“Time to get into a giant ball again,” she’ll say throughout. Hmm. This one will be tough to make cool, but I bet they can do it. Maybe put Donkey Kong in there!