White Guy Finally Understands Importance of Diversity After Pokémon Team Analogy

Posted on by Ryan Sims

DENTON, Texas — Local Pokémon fan Jared Trout learned a valuable lesson about diversity after a friend gave him some tips for Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire. 

“I didn’t get what was so important about diversity, but now I do. It’s all about type coverage!” exclaimed Trout, fresh off a victory in Fortree City. “All this time I thought a few solid Water types could carry me to the Final Four. My Mudkip, Horsea, Krabby combo seemed unstoppable. Then I got to Mauville City and that goddamn Electric gym. And because of that Electric gym, now I understand the value of having people from different experiences at your workplace. If you’re sitting around in a meeting and you look around and everybody’s a Water-type, uh-oh, you’re about to get shocked!”

Trout’s friend, Maxine Lechner, was the one who finally got him to understand.

“Look, is it embarrassing that it took a Pokémon analogy to finally get Jared to understand the importance of hearing from different perspectives? Yes. But I’m happy we got there in the end,” Lechner said. “No one wants to be the token friend in a group just like no one wants to be the Pokémon who has all the HMs. Sure, it’s not my job to be the one to tell him this shit, but I’m glad I got him to be more thoughtful about who’s represented where, and the importance of everyone having a seat at the table. Next up: convincing him to stop saying he prefers the original version of Jynx.”

Thanks to this lesson, Jared has a new outlook on life, and the Pokémon meta.

“It seems so obvious in retrospect. Clearly a single type isn’t gonna get you all the way to the Final Four,” Trout said, clearly still kinda working out the metaphor in his head. “Just like one perspective isn’t gonna get you very far in life. You need help from everyone. I’ve got lots of type coverage now. Fire, Poison, Dragon, you name it. Did you know some Pokémon are two different types? I wonder if people can be like that too. I need to do more research!.”

At time of reporting, Jared learned another valuable life lesson about embracing and accepting change as his beloved Mudkip evolved into Marshtomp.

Rockstar Confirms 21st Century Release Window for GTA 6

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — After years of speculation, Rockstar has confirmed that Grand Theft Auto 6 will definitely release before 2099, sources have confirmed. 

“Damn, I was hoping they were going to tell us a little more, but I’ll take it,” said Tracy George, a local gamer and longtime fan of the franchise, who’s eagerly awaiting the series’ first new entry since 2013. “I guess it’s like the half empty or half full glass. On one hand, they’ve confirmed it and given us an estimated release window. That’s something! On the other hand, I’m now worried that I won’t still be alive when the game comes out.” 

While gamers were skeptical, many within the industry praised the controversial studio’s newfound work conditions. 

“Hey, if they’re not working their people to the bone anymore, I’m fine with it taking a couple more decades,” said Michael Greer, a freelance games journalist. “I’d rather my grandchildren play games made by fairly compensated workers than enjoy the work produced by toxic conditions. Oh, but you know something? I am also just now realizing I’m probably stuck writing GTA6 preview pieces for the rest of my adult life, and that’s kind of a bummer.” 

Executives said they waited to make an announcement until they were certain the game would be ready this century. 

“Don’t want to rush into anything like this,” said Dan Houser, an executive producer of Grand Theft Auto 6. “If we got too excited and announced this too early, well, it might really blow up in our face. That’s why we thought it was best to take over ten years to focus on this game before making any sort of announcement, as well as make sure we never, ever, release anything that isn’t a mainline Grand Theft Auto game ever again. Frankly, I don’t know why we used to do that. We had a lot to learn.” 

“Grand Theft Auto six!” he exclaimed. “In stores some time before the Grand Theft Auto V Centennial Online Celebration!” 

As of press time, Rockstar announced they’d also begun work on Red Dead Redemption 3, and that it would be set in 1980’s Vice City. 

Top 10 Gamers in the World Right Now

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Welcome to Hard Drive’s monthly power rankings of the top American gamers in the world right now. As always, a reminder that these are not an objective ranking and just Hard Drive’s cumulative opinion of who’s absolutely killing the game(s) right now!

Lou Schubert

A Smash phenom, this 12-year-old burst onto the scene this year after previously making waves in local one-on-one freeze tag tournaments. Is known for his underwhelming catchphrase “I’m gonna go to the bathroom after this!”

Tony “Dan” Marino

“Danny Boy” Marino (known also by his PlayStation handle PleaseJustCallMeTony), can be found placing in most major Rocket League tournaments. He recently had a nightmare about a really mean dog and was forced to cancel several highly anticipated competitions, and is heavily rumored to be returning to action soon.

Ayden Stonestreet

One of 2023’s breakout gamers makes his first appearance in our rankings. This Call of Duty superstar is a little shy, and will start crying if you ask him for a quote too many times.

Carol Roebuck

This is my older sister who said she’d kick my ass if I didn’t put her on the list. She plays Candy Crush on her phone. (Can you do something about this, Mom???)

Megan & Caleb Malone

These Smash playing siblings share a passion but not a motivation. Caleb wants to be “the best in the world,” whereas Megan says she’s motivated simply by “the chance to make my brother cry in front of as many people as possible.”

Craig

Craig came over and beat us all in Mario Kart again.

Brayden “Judd” Conners

Remarkably mature beyond his nine years, Judd Conners has taken Twitch by storm with his shockingly accurate streams of American Truck Simulator that feature him talking about how much better the country was in 2007.

Jimmy Fallon

We heard he was playing the new Zelda game. Very cool, Jimmy!

Russell Russell, Jr.

Son of Big Buck Hunter legend Russell Russell, Sr., Russell Russell, Jr. has turned heads in the competitive gaming scene by showing up to many prominent tournaments and making fun of everyone that’s participating. While not technically a gamer, no true gaming event is complete without this young shit talking superstar.

 

Disney Opens Cheaper, Dingier Star Wars Motel 6

Posted on by Camden Brazile

BAY LAKE, Fla. — In the wake of the announced closure of their expensive, immersive Star Wars hotel, Disney unveiled plans for a more affordable yet admittedly dingy Star Wars themed Motel 6

“We realized that the high price point for our Star Wars hotel was a big turn off for customers, so now you can pay nine bucks for a straw-filled mattress with a picture of an Ewok on it,” said Disney Imagineer Theo Finley. “It’s not as fully-immersive as our luxury hotel, but there will be an overweight man in a Party City Darth Vader costume hanging around the “cantina,” which is just a bar cart with a six pack of White Claws.”

Trial residents of the new Disney attraction have already praised the atmosphere of the overnight stay. 

“There are some real Star Wars experiences to still be had for this affordable price,” said early-access visitor Lidia Markowitz. “It was so cool to see the seedy underbelly of the galaxy far far away, a galaxy that apparently in the lore doesn’t have heating or running water. We saw smugglers, junkers, and someone in a black vest even held us up in the parking lot, although I don’t think any of them were technically part of the motel.”

Disney CEO Bob Iger elaborated on some other cost-effective Disney parks in the future. 

“With how expensive some of our parks have become, we’re planning on creating stripped-down, cheap versions of all our attractions,” Iger said. “Is Disney World too expensive for your family’s income? No problem. For just $60, we’ll let you all look at a picture of Goofy. From far away of course. The up-close Goofy pass is about $95 a person.”

At press time, Disney reported that the Star Wars Motel would cost families a mere $10 a night, but they would also offer a special experience with Mark Hamill for an additional $6.

Zelda Tears of the Kingdom Stable Guide: All Stable Locations

Posted on by Tarun Sayal

Throughout your adventure in The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, one incredibly useful piece of knowledge are the stable locations. One of the features that TOTK inherits from Breath of the Wild is the ability to tame, ride, and register horses. Horses are useful companions that can help you traverse the vast lands of Hyrule and the mysterious islands floating in the vast skies above. 

However, you can only register and access your horses at stables. Stables are also places where you can rest, cook, buy items, and get information from NPCs. Here is every stable location in Tears of the Kingdom.

Where to Find Every Stable in Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom

There are 18 stable locations in the game where you can register, board, and access your horses. While you’re hunting them down, use the interactive map to track which stables you have left to find! Here is a list of them with their approximate map coordinates and location:

  • Dueling Peaks Stable (1757, -1957, 0010): West Necluda, east of the Peaks themselves
  • East Akkala Stable (4254, 2737, 0125): Deep Akkala, by North Akkala Foothill
  • Foothill Stable (2610, 1144, 0148): Eldin Canyon, between Lake Ferona & Cephia Lake
  • Gerudo Canyon Stable (-2773, -2240, 0029): Northeast of the Gerudo Desert Gateway
  • Gerudo Valley Pass Mini Stable (-1691, -1661, 0020): Gerudo Canyon, south of Outskirt Stable
  • Hateno Pasture (3620, -1943, 0180): Mount Lanayru, east of Hateno Village
  • Highland Stable (0520, -3443, 0047): Faron Grasslands, in the eastern section in Fural Plains
  • Lakeside Stable (1547, -3535, -0061): Faron Grasslands, on the southwest of Lake Floria
  • Lookout Landing Mini Stable (-0249, 0056, 0019): Hyrule Field at Lookout Landing
  • Lucky Clover Gazette (-3247, 1766, 0118): Tabantha Frontier, just before you hit the broken bridge to Rito Village
  • New Serenne Stable (-1348, 0745, 0085): Hyrule Ridge, just south of North Hyrule Plain
  • Outskirt Stable (1437, -1266, 0032): Hyrule Field
  • Riverside Stable (0326, -1087, 0009): Hyrule Gield, between Whistling Hill and Batrea Ridge over Hylia River
  • Snowfield Stable (-1643, 2567, 0234): Hebra, in the Hebra Mountains
  • South Akkala Stable (3125, 1687, 0201): Akkala Highlands, in Kalanet Ridge
  • Tabantha Bridge Stable (-2919, 0546, 0169): Hyrule Ridge, South of Mount Rhoam
  • Wetland Stable (0914, -0248, 0034): Lanayru Wetlands, directly south of Rebonae Bridge
  • Woodland Stable (1057, 1122, 0022): Eldin Canyon, Northeast of Crenel Hills

That’s the complete list of Tears of the Kingdom stable locations! Check out our guide on Tears of the Kingdom elixir recipes for more helpful content!

Street Fighter 6 Open Beta: End Time & Playable Characters

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Street Fighter 6 has officially begun its open beta, which may leave some players wondering about the SF6 beta end time. Ahead of the game’s official release on June 2, this open beta will give players a chance to get their hands on the meat of the game, including a chance to fight as 8 different playable characters. Read on for more about the Street Fighter 6 open beta, including when it ends and all of the playable characters!

Street Fighter 6: When Does the Open Beta End?

The Street Fighter 6 open beta end time is confirmed to be at the close of the weekend, on Monday, May 22 at 12 AM PDT/3 AM EDT. Before this time, though, you can download and play on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X|S, and Steam. Keep in mind that to take part in the beta, you will need to register a CAPCOM ID, and link it to your platform of choice. 

Open Beta Playable Characters

The SF6 open beta will let players choose from 8 different playable characters. The complete list is:

  • Ryu
  • Ken
  • Juri
  • Luke
  • Jamie
  • Kimberly
  • Guile
  • Chun-Li

The final game will have a bigger roster to choose from, but players should be able to at least find a favorite to use for the open beta period out of the selection of 8. Use these 8 to explore some of the modes showcased in the beta, including Ranked & Casual Matches, Open Tournament, Extreme Battle, and Battle Hub Match.

That’s all you need to know about the Street Fighter 6 open beta end time & playable characters! Looking forward to another big fighting game on the horizon of this year? Check out our Mortal Kombat 1 pre order guide to figure out when and where you can play the game, and which edition of the game you should purchase for yourself.

Horror Game Asks You to Adjust Sliders Until Nothing is Visible

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

CLEVELAND — A new survival horror game tasks players with adjusting the brightness sliders in the options menu until nothing whatsoever is visible, sources have confirmed. 

“Is that a typo,” said local gamer Charlie Marek was overheard asking while playing a demo of upcoming survival horror title Hell’s Darkness at the recent Cleveland Gaming Expo. “It says to slide until the text I’m reading is no longer apparent. So just all black? Until I can’t see anything at all? Sounds pretty spooky!” 

Marek proceeded to start the campaign and struggled to comprehend the events happening in front of him. 

“That was weird,” he said, following a loss. “The dialogue boxes kept popping up, but that was all I could really see. Once in a while I’d hear moaning or something, and then I guess I got bitten to death or something, because a ‘Game over,’ message popped up over the black.”

“That was pretty fun,” he concluded. “I was scared shitless!” 

Hell’s Darkness continued to be the star of the show all week. 

“Oh man, I could play that again and again,” said fellow expo attendee Beth Allman, after checking out the demo. “You know how horror games don’t always live up to the hype or your imagination? This one gets around all of that by never showing you anything at all. Oh, they could even put this thing out on the Switch without making too many changes. Cool!” 

As of press time, the developers of Hell’s Darkness issued a blacked out press release no one understood. 

Entire RPG Party Forced to Share Single Bed at Inn

Posted on by Kevin Podas

GONGAGA — While traveling across the world of Gaia, Cloud Strife and his questing party arrived at a local inn and were shocked to see that there was only one bed available for the entire party to rest in.

“All right everyone, let’s mosey,” Cloud said as the party looked on in dismay at the single twin bed. “We could each take turns resting, we could all try to fit in the bed at the same time, or something. I don’t know. It’s hard to imagine we’ll get a good night’s sleep, but we already paid for the night and we’ll probably recover like… 5 HP each if we just close our eyes for 20 minutes.”

Some of the other party members were less than enthused about the lack of bed frames.

“Nuh-uh. No way. I am not getting in there with you all,” said Barret Wallace. “I’ll sleep on the floor if I have to. I need my space and I need my eight hours. And that is not going to happen if we play musical chairs with this damn bed. Doesn’t Vincent usually sleep in a coffin anyway?”

Not everyone shared the same amount of disappointment at the lack of sleeping arrangements.

“Cloud and I have been close for a very long time. Like, really close. Since we were kids,” said Tifa Lockhart. “So you just have to look at the silver lining here. Cloud may say that we’re just friends for now, but this is an opportunity for us to share space and get even closer. Though Aerith called dibs on the pillow next to his before I could even say anything…”

At press time, none of the party members were able to sleep in the bed after Red XIII marked his territory by urinating on the bed sheets.

Pokémon Card Collection Your Bully Stole Now Estimated to Be Worth Millions

Posted on by Peter Casciato

YOUR HOMETOWN — A letter from your high school bully has informed you that apparently the binder full of Pokémon cards he stole from you in middle school is worth millions of dollars now, sources have confirmed. 

“Hey you stupid asshole,” began the hand written letter you received in the mail yesterday. “I found this nerd shit of yours in my basement and took it to the dorks at the strip mall and they said it was one of the best collections of Pokémon cards they’ve ever heard of and that it’s easily worth millions of dollars. Man, that must really suck for you, huh?” 

“I might sell them, I might not,” the letter concluded. “Either way, thanks for everything!” 

The employees at the hobby store stood by their appraisal. 

“That collection was unbelievable,” said Gary Hodge, assistant manager of The Hollow Deck Games & Cards, who was working when your old bully came in the other day. “I didn’t much care for the attitude on the man who threw the book on the counter and demanded I tell him what it was worth before he punched my lights out. But after I told him the good news he let me have a 1996 Pokémon Japanese Base Set No Rarity Symbol Holo Venusaur for my efforts, so I’m not complaining.” 

“Looks like we can take that summer vacation after all,” he exclaimed, apparently intending to sell the $55,000 card. 

Those close to you can’t believe you let something so expensive slip through your fingers. 

“Smooth move, ya ding dong,” said Ben, your next door neighbor, after overhearing you get upset in the yard. “Why didn’t ya just tell the principal or something on him? Or fought him? I would’ve kicked his ass, but that’s just me. You gotta learn to stand up for yourself once in a while, or else it could cost you. Oh but I guess you realize that now, huh?”

As of press time, every video game you regret selling to GameStop has once again skyrocketed in value. 

Mortal Kombat 1 Roster: Confirmed & Rumored MK1 Characters

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Mortal Kombat 1 is the newest game in the Mortal Kombat franchise, and has already confirmed part of their returning roster of characters. One of the most exciting parts of the lead up to any fighting game’s release is speculating which fighters will be on the game’s playable roster. This is especially true of a game like Mortal Kombat 1, where guest characters are almost a sure thing. While no guests have been confirmed yet, here are all of the MK1 playable characters we know about.

Mortal Kombat 1 Roster: All Playable Characters

Coming from the game’s announcement trailer and the official site’s FAQ, here are all of the confirmed returning characters that we know about:

  • Raiden
  • Kung Lao
  • Kitana
  • Mileena
  • Scorpion
  • Sub-Zero
  • Liu Kang
  • Johnny Cage
  • Kenshi
  • Rain
  • Smoke
  • Shang Tsung*

*Shang Tsung is a pre-order bonus exclusive.

The FAQ also mentions that these are “reimagined fighters like they’ve never been seen before,” which seems to imply that even the returning fighters will feel quite fresh and new. Judging by past releases, it seems that more characters will be revealed as we get closer to release. We’ll be sure to keep this guide updated as these characters are revealed.

Confirmed Kameo Characters

In addition to playable characters, there are also assist “Kameo” characters. It’s important to keep in mind that these seem to be characters from an alternate timeline, so being confirmed for a Kameo doesn’t necessarily deconfirm a fighter as a playable character. Here’s the Kameo fighters we know about:

  • Scorpion
  • Sub-Zero
  • Sonya Blade
  • Kano
  • Kung Lao
  • Goro
  • Jax Briggs
  • Stryker

MK1 Roster: Rumored Characters

In addition to the characters revealed with the game’s announcement, there are a few rumored characters that could be on the way to the Mortal Kombat 1 roster. 

According to a Tweet, Peacemaker from DC Comics and Homelander from The Boys (now best known as an Amazon Prime series) could be guest characters in the upcoming game. This Tweet got a lot of details correct from the official announcement on May 18, including a September release, the targeted platforms, and the title Mortal Kombat 1 itself. These two guest characters also both make a lot of sense for the Mortal Kombat universe; both are well-known for their brutality, and have had rises to pop culture fame thanks to popular TV series.

On May 19, an Amazon Italy listing seems to have revealed these characters and 4 more will be coming to the game in the first Kombat Pack. Reported by Video Games Chronicle, it appears the first Kombat Pack will feature Quan Chi, Omni Man, Ermac, Takeda, Peacemaker, and Homelander. With this listing corroborating the previous rumor of Peacemaker & Homelander, it seems like an almost sure thing that these fighters will be the contents of the Kombat Pack.

As of writing, these are all of the confirmed and prominent rumored characters on the Mortal Kombat 1 roster. Looking to get the game as soon as you can? Check out our Mortal Kombat 1 pre-order guide to get all the info you need on purchasing the correct edition of the new release.