You’ve been invited to a party of a friend of a friend and you’re worried you might not have anything to talk about. Or maybe you need something to break the ice with new people. Hard Drive has got you covered with these video game facts! Your mileage may vary.
The Origins of the Konami Code
You arrive at the party and notice someone wearing a novelty shirt with the famous “Konami Code” for all to see. You take this opportunity to break the ice.
“Did you know that the Konami Code, sometimes called the Contra Code, actually first appeared in the NES release of the game Gradius? The code was added to the home release of the game because it was found to be too hard during testing.”
You get a half-interested “oh, cool,” response before your fellow party guest informs you they don’t play video games all that much and just thought the shirt looked cool.
Early Model PS1s Are Considered One of the Best CD Players Ever Made
The party starts to get going and you notice some people trying to get a bluetooth speaker connected to their phones. You spot this as the perfect time for your next opener.
“Did you know that the first PS1 systems are considered to be one of the best CD players ever made? Since they have individual analogue audio ports, the first generation of PS1 systems can produce audio that could only be matched by other CD players costing thousands of dollars at the time.”
Right as you wrap up telling this fact, the bluetooth speaker connects, music starts blasting, and your fun fact gets drowned out.
Blowing into a Video Game Cartridge Can Damage It
The party has been going for a while and you’ve been bouncing between groups, pretending to participate in their conversations. Suddenly, the host of the party emerges from a side room with a saving grace in their hand: A box labeled “N64.” You notice them pull out a cartridge, and before it is too late, you blurt out.
“Did you know blowing into a video game cartridge can actually damage it? The moisture from your breath can cause damage to the pin connectors over time. The idea that blowing into a cartridge works is mostly anecdotal.”
You get a confused look from the host, who hasn’t gotten a chance to meet you yet.
The Manual for Super Mario Kart Encourages You to Look at Other Player’s Screen
The cartridge you attempted to save happens to be Mario Kart 64. Your time to shine. You put on a clinic and execute perfectly. After you win, you get accused of looking at your opponents screen. Time to save face.
“Did you know that in the original Super Mario Kart manual, it actually encourages you to look at other player’s screens? It actually says ‘keep an eye on your opponent’s screen’ in the manual.”
The attempt doesn’t work and everyone decides to play a different game.
The Original NBA Jam is Rigged Against the Bulls
Another classic game is selected, this time it’s NBA Jam. You decide to sit this one out, but you notice the two people playing have selected the Bulls and the Pistons. You try to resist saying your next fact, but can’t help it.
“Did you know that NBA Jam is rigged against the Bulls? The creator, Mark Turmell, was a Pistons fan, so he programmed a bias against the Bulls when they played the Pistons. If the game is close, the Bulls will always miss last-second shots.”
The only response you get is a slight nod from the person who selected the Bulls as they switch to the Nicks.
The Dev Team on Dead Space Looked at Pictures of Car Crash Victims when creating the Necromorphs
Your video game facts haven’t really been a success at the party, so you decide to take them in another direction and hit the group with some shock value.
“Did you know the dev team on Dead Space used pictures of car crash victims and scenes of war as reference when creating the Necromorphs? The team did this because they didn’t want the dead bodies in the game to look unrealistic.”
The room goes silent.
The First Shot From An Enemy in Bioshock Will Always Miss
The party is winding down and all eyes are on you. It’s time to recover with one final video game fact.
“Did you know that the first shot from an enemy in Bioshock will always miss? The game was intentionally designed this way to give players a chance to dodge initial attacks from enemies.”
The room remains silent until a single voice breaks through. “Oh, I never knew that. That’s really cool!” Unknown to you, this group of people are huge Bioshock fans. Your awkwardness has been forgotten and your reputation has been saved.
ROCKVILLE, Md. — Employees of Bethesda Game Studios witnessed long-time game director Todd Howard personally responding to every negative review of Starfield, linking the game’s “Most Innovative Gameplay” win at the Steam Awards Tuesday evening.
“I was about to leave for the day when I noticed the soft glow of a monitor coming from Todd’s office,” said Starfield developer Erin Brown. “I thought it was odd that someone might still be in, especially Todd, but then I remembered that Steam announced their game awards this evening and my stomach dropped.
“I was shocked to find out that we won an award for innovative gameplay, but Todd really seemed to be spurred by this news — aroused, even.”
One of Bethesda’s custodial staff, Ed Thompson, witnessed the unusual activity firsthand, having walked in on Howard with his hands moving furiously across an old light-up gaming keyboard.
“I knew Starfield won an award as soon as I walked in — he just started raving at me about ‘losers, deniers, sinners, and fools,’ or something like that with his eyes all bloodshot. I was just trying to get at the wastebasket under his desk since it was filled with way more candy wrappers than usual.
“Mostly I was surprised that Starfield won anything at all, since it was competing with other AAA games that came out this year. Plus, Todd once ate a sandwich with my name on it in the breakroom, muttering ‘This is what they asked for’ over and over. Who does that?”
Howard’s executive assistant, John Paige, offered input on the situation, speaking loudly over the sound of frantic keystrokes coming from Howard’s executive suite.
“He’s been like this forever, really,” said Paige. “I’m sure he’s just overseeing further Starfield development and strategizing our next big release — you know Mr. Howard used to be on the chess team, right? This is nothing you won’t see from any other successful game director. Just ask Phil Spencer, who has been great to work with! Anyway, look over there! A new teaser for the next Elder Scrolls game!”
Disappointed Starfield players were surprised to find that just a single impassioned user had left responses to all of their negative reviews, referring to the somewhat well-known but mostly novel Steam Awards listings.
“I got a notification that someone had just responded to my review of Starfield,” said gamer Tom Slattery, “but what I didn’t expect was that Todd Howard himself would respond to my article personally. I’m touched, frankly, but why couldn’t he have responded to my Skryim review? I loved that game.
“All I said about Starfield was that it was somewhat boring — not a bad game, but not a great game, you know? Like it’s a solid 7 out of 10, with room for improvement. I didn’t expect Todd to berate me and my family above a link to a Google Street View of my house. He also added a link to the ‘Most Innovative Gameplay’ award on Steam, which I suppose could mean something to someone.”
At the time of publication, Howard was reportedly seen red-faced and clenching his jaw, painting the words “I GOT THE LAST LAUGH” on his street-facing office windows.
It is with great honor that I humbly accept the Labor of Love Award for this article!
I worked extraordinarily hard on it and to be recognized for my work is just incredible!
This article is really my life’s work in a way. Every article I’ve ever written for Hard Drive was preparing me for this one. That the voters chose this article for this award really means the world to me.
There’s so many people I want to thank. First of all I want to thank my parents, they’ve never believed in me or my dream to be funny for money but they put up with me anyway. Perhaps now they will be proud.
I also want to thank all the various other Matts who write for Hard Drive for forcing me to really bring my A game to get noticed by our overlords.
Most importantly I want to thank Tom Cruise for inspiring me to always give 110% in everything I do. I know you’re reading this Tom and I hope you know I love you and your movies. Now that I’m an award winner I hope you’ll consider me to write your next project.
To everyone who voted for this article just know that I wrote it for you. You are the spark that gives way to my flame, you are the wings beneath my wind, you are the light on the dark side of me. To everyone who voted for something stupid like Red Dead Redemption 2 I hope you know that I’m not mad, just disappointed.
I pledge to continue writing articles just like this one. Not because I have to but because I want the continued admiration that this Labor of Love Award has granted me. Thank you gamers and thank you reformed orthodox rabbi Bill Clinton!
MONTREAL – Users of the Animus, the groundbreaking machine made by Abstergo Industries that lets one see into genealogical memories, have recently been reporting visions sourced from colorful mascots rather than their ancestors.
“I was experiencing life as an assassin in 16th century Italy, and suddenly I woke up in McDonaldsland,” recounted Scott Miller, a frustrated Animus user. “I was stuck staring at a plate of Chicken McNuggets for nearly an hour, and everytime I tried to look away I would get desynchronized.
“Who are they trying to fool by telling me that Grimace was one of my ancestors?,” continued Miller. “I got so fed up with the whole thing that I tried to kill the Hamburglar just to feel something. If they don’t fix this, my future children will use their Animus to relive me getting a refund.”
The backlash against commercials in customers’ consciousness has spurred a response from Melanie Lemay, who currently serves as Chief Creative Officer at Abstergo.
“We were taking a leap of faith into personalized sponsors but didn’t quite stick the landing,” read a statement from Lemay. “The data on memories was accidentally mixed up with what products our users are genetically predisposed to enjoy.
“While these ads may feel like being stabbed out of nowhere, we do recommend that anyone upset go out and eat a delicious Big Mac. If anyone using the Animus experienced any advertisements for heart disease pills, they should likely heed that as soon as possible.”
Abraham Berger, a templar who lived over three hundred years ago, had a lot to say via the Animus in between visions of delicious eats.
“Their existence is the bane of our goals, and we’ve been working for centuries to extinguish them for good,” declared the templar. ”I could not tell you how many of my friends they’ve killed in our quest for a new world order.
“Always hiding in those forsaken bushes, carrying their blades,” Berger continued until we explained that we were talking about advertisements and not assassins. ”My apologies, I can’t say I know what an advertisement is.”
Amidst the backlash, Abstergo has promised that it will work on removing these advertisements from future synchronizations. Though it seems that not everyone has been displeased with the new memories. One such customer who has been using the animus quite a lot since the update had this to say:
“Seeing the memories of the world through your ancestors eyes is just like a delicious bowl of Frosted Flakes, they’re Grrrrrrrreat!”
New York, N.Y.– Criterion has announced they are finally bringing a long awaited Cursed VHS Tape to modern media formats. This comes as great news to all the demons and cursed souls who worked on it.
“We’re so happy to be able to give this such a wide release,” black-eyed criterion representative John Stein said, “It was a herculean task finding the original prints, but I think viewers will notice the incredible upgrade.
“Of course, we lost around 20 employees while we were doing the transfer, and a few more keep complaining about how they keep seeing the face of Lucifer every time they close their eyes, but that’s the price you pay for restoring cinema.”
The demonic director of the film, Karblox The Devourer, is glad more people can see their hard work after all this time.
“You know, it was just all the rage back in the day,” Karblox said, “That creepy girl from The Ring was doing it, Slender Man was really into it, so I figured it was good enough for me. It was really fun to put together, I remember directing all of the damned souls I trapped in the magnetic tape like it was yesterday.
“I’m glad that people are still interested in my old work, with people now-a-days you gotta go through all these hoops with complicated CGI and casting big stars. You’ll never have the freedom we had back then to cast no-name rakshasas in big budget brainwashing tapes.”
Fans of old cinema as well as weak minded fools all over the world are excited to finally see the footage in 4k resolution.
“I’ve had this thing on my watchlist forever,” Gil Ableson said, “But do you know how hard it is to find one of the original tapes? I’ve spent hours in my local forest and come back with nothing but mosquito bites and a cool stick I found.
“Now that it’s coming to Blu-Ray, I’ll finally be able to curse myself and die a horrific death! Now that’s what every true cinefile pines for! I just hope I’m able to write a funny Letterboxd review before I die.”
The Hard Drive’s resident film critic’s review of the film will be released as soon as we figure out how to extract his soul from the disc.
Well well well, aren’t you a curious one? Today we journey into the forgotten realms with a different sort of goal than slaying a dragon or exploring a dungeon – well maybe a certain kind of dungeon if you know what I mean? Today we determine which level 1 spells are the most titillating. Now before we begin let me answer a few questions you might have:
Why not start with cantrips? Well that’s because the sexiest cantrip is obviously Sword Burst, and Vicious Mockery is not far behind if that’s what you’re into. Also there’s just more to sink our teeth into in level 1.
Why only 50 spells? Because there are currently over 70 level 1 spells in Fifth Edition and no one wants to read about how Expeditious Retreat is sexy– it’s not sexy, consent is sexy.
What spells didn’t make the cut? Not to get into all of them but any sort of armor is out. Armor of Agathys? I’m trying to get you outta that armor baby not add more.
So without further ado, gather ‘round, my horny adventurers, and let me teach you what I know in the ways of the most seductive of magics.
50: Sleep
Now while some of you may think this is too low on the list, unfortunately there’s nothing inherently sexy about sleep. While it often implies sex has occurred, such as when you say “I slept with that fair maiden with the large breasts,” or “Why won’t that beautiful dwarf sleep with me?” it doesn’t conjure up imaginative thoughts of the act. One must be awake to make love.
49: Animal Friendship
Now I don’t want to be a prude, but frankly, I don’t find laying down with animals to be my cup of tea. I also don’t judge and I understand some people may be into that sort of thing so I have included it on the list.
48: Charm Person
Now this one is interesting. Being charmed by a person can often lead to sex however I think the very clinical way the two words are put together kind of kills the mood for me.
47: Bane
Bane is defined as a cause of great distress or annoyance, and that’s not ideally what we’re looking for in the bedroom– though I know some people may be looking for a brat in the bedroom, and that sort of thing could turn you on. Or perhaps you’re just really into roleplaying as the Batman villain– as I’ve said before, we don’t judge here.
46: Create or Destroy Water
So the problem here is that this sounds like the least sexy way one could get their partner ‘wet,’ as it were. Or completely turn them off if you’re destroying it! You don’t want to hear your partner say “Yeah baby, are you creating water for me?” Yuck. Disgusting. Moving on.
45: Grease
Now don’t get me wrong here, moisture or lubrication of sorts are generally our friend in the bedroom. I just don’t think the word grease really works quite so well to arouse us. We are moving in the right direction though.
44: Witch Bolt
The word bolt I think is pretty sexy, but the word witch maybe not so much. It really just makes me think of old hags with gross faces who are not to be trusted. Not every witch is bringing the raw sexual energy you get from Nichole Kidman in Practical Magic– remember The Wicked Witch of the West? If she gets wet she melts, not what you want in the throws of lovemaking.
43: Silvery Barbs
Silvery is doing a lot of the work here, barbs however are not. Barbs are spikey and generally not what you want near your erogenous zones. That being said, the intended meaning of the phrase refers to a hurtful remark which some might find a little arousing. A little degradation can spice up the bedroom in some cases.
42: Searing Smite
Ooooh! Now we’re getting somewhere. This makes one think of a thrust from a lover, searing hot with passion. Truly a sultry spell, one that can really turn you on if you ponder its implication for too long.
41: Sanctuary
A sanctuary can be really sexy. Imagine a safe space where just you and your lover are sheltered and cared for, perfectly free to explore each other’s body, soul, and mind. This one is good for someone who isn’t turned on by danger, but instead comfort.
40: Inflict Wounds
Speaking of danger, oh boy! This one isn’t for the faint of heart, but rather for those who seek more adventurous and risky lovemaking. Whether you’re a pain slut or a sadist, Inflict Wounds has a lot of appeal for those into pain. However, it remains here at forty because not everyone may be so inclined to partake.
39: Ice Knife
Similar to Inflict Wounds, we have a spell here for those possibly into precarious play. Though this one may also just appeal to those into a little bit of temperature play. Sometimes you may want to add a bit of sheer cold to your warm bodies meeting in that special way.
38: Illusory Script
Now this one is interesting because on its own, illusory just refers to something that isn’t real, but when you add script to it, suddenly there’s another element. It’s giving sort of “love note” vibes, or even conjures an idea of magical sexting.
37: Heroism
In the words of Enrique Iglesias, “I can be your hero baby.” Need I say more? We all want someone to be our hero. What’s sexier than someone taking care of you and kissing away the pain, as it were?
36: Healing Word
Picking up right where we left off on the last one, sometimes after a long day you just want your partner to make you feel a little better. Sometimes you just want to hear a healing word from them– it can be that simple. As we’ve discovered a few times here, being cared for can be quite sexy.
35: Detect Magic
Sometimes what’s sexy is just understanding your partner. Figuring out their wants, their needs– their magic, perhaps? Now, you may be thinking I’m reading into this too much, but actually no, I’m not. You have to view these things abstractly sometimes to really understand them.
34: Goodberry
Now what is the clitoris if not a good berry of sorts? Or even the prostate? Need I say more?
33: Chaos Bolt
Oh yeah, sex isn’t always structured and easy to understand. Sometimes it’s just pure chaos baby, and what’s better than a bolt of pure sexual chaos? If you disagree, perhaps you need to spice things up yourself, like the Joker: you need to become an agent of chaos, and then fuck. Do you know what I mean?
32: Cause Fear
Now here we have another one that’s not for everyone, but hey, maybe you’re into fear? Perhaps you like to be a little scared of your lover? Or maybe you like to inspire it in those you lay with. Sometimes the size of one’s endowment can cause fear, and there’s nothing wrong with that either.
31: Catapult
A catapult can be very arousing. Think of its strong wooden presence, its magnificent size. Really a catapult contains many of the attributes some people look for in a lover. Don’t underestimate the raw sexual energy of the catapult.
30: Detect Good and Evil
Have you been a good girl? Have you been a bad boy? Not only do these questions contain a sensual use of alliteration, they can also make our hearts flutter and blood rush to certain erogenous parts of our bodies. Also, I would not behold these terms any “gender” as it were. I think any human being would feel a little something if they were referred to as a “good girl.” Don’t believe me? Try calling your cis male boyfriend a good girl and tell me he doesn’t blush a little.
29: Snare
There can be something very sexy about feeling snared or trapped by your lover, or even literally trapped. Of course we are talking about a safe way here friends. You don’t want to feel unsafe once you’re naked, covered in oil, and locked in a cage. I know this may sound a little too kinky for some of you and that’s okay, but either way, make sure to communicate, kids.
28: Comprehend Languages
Do you like to talk dirty? Well then I think this one really speaks for itself. I believe it was the great poet Jason Derulo who once said: “I’ve been around the world, don’t speak the language, but your booty don’t need explaining.” And while that’s true–your booty does not need to be explained–if your French lover asks you to get a little adventurous with their back passage, and you don’t know the French word for bussy, you may be in trouble.
27: Bless
Sometimes a sexual act can feel like a divine act, and wouldn’t we all want to be blessed by our partner as it were? Why do we say “bless you” when someone sneezes, instead of when our partner gives a leg-shaking orgasm? Think about that.
26: Color Spray
Now I feel like I don’t need to get too into the weeds with this one. I mean, you got the word spray right there. You modify spray with certain colors and it can take on a very sexual meaning.
25: Distort Value
Are you into degradation? You want your partner to break you down a bit before they build you back up (sexually speaking of course)? Or maybe you think less of yourself and want your partner to praise, worship, and overvalue you in this context. Perhaps you’ll find yourself distorting your partner’s value in one way or another later tonight.
24: Identify
Say my name, say my name. Destiny’s Child knew what was up in 1999 and they still do now. Identify is about more than just knowing your partner’s name: it’s about learning from sharing your bodies with one another. Knowing your partner in the most intimate way is a beautiful thing.
23: Cure Wounds
Not all wounds are physical– some can affect you on the inside. When your partner can cure those things that ail you, they become even more attractive do they not? When you come home from a long day of dealing with that bitch Deborah, and your partner starts kissing you all over, is that care, that attentiveness, not sexy as hell? Sometimes it’s sexy to just listen, too. Remember that.
22: Burning Hands
Ooh okay, we’re back on maybe a little temperature play here. Or perhaps a little impact play? A bit of hard spanking on your voluptuous ass can feel like burning hands. This one really can make your imagination run wild, which is why it comes in a little higher on the list.
21: Chromatic Orb
Chromatic Orb? What could that be? Some sort of pleasure toy to be inserted into various orifices? Could one call their breasts or their testicles chromatic orbs? Or perhaps we’ve discovered another extremely sexy nickname for the clitorus? Why don’t you tell me in the comments for a change? 😉
20: Absorb Elements
Don’t we all want our partner to absorb our elements? Don’t think about this one too hard, just feel it. Like you feel your partner’s elements enter you when you lay together and make beautiful love.
19: Divine Favor
See, this is like Bless but on a deeper level. Imagine giving your partner a passionate orgasm as a sort of divine favor, let it empower you or perhaps honor them. Maybe you view the joy of sex with them as a sort of divine favor. As Hozier says, “Take me to church”.
18: Fog Cloud
Look I feel like this is one I don’t have to over-explain to you. You want it hot, you want it steamy. What fits that description better than a fog cloud?
17: Unseen Servant
Oh yeah baby, this is a good one. Picture yourself blindfolded on your bed, your partner just going to work to please you fully and completely, like an unseen servant. If you aren’t already turned on I don’t even know why you’re still reading this list.
16: Disguise Self
Roleplay, anyone? Perhaps you wanna be a naughty nurse for your partner, or a strong, sweaty firefighter. Maybe you’ve tried it, maybe not, but disguising oneself can really spice things up for you and your partner, and we all deserve a little spice.
15: Arms of Hadar
Now this is the first one where I’m really going to invoke the context of the spell. You see, Arms of Hadar makes black tendrils emerge from the body of the caster. Soooo….. Ya know? Long black tendrils? Do I need to spell it for you little pervs?
14: Compelled Duel
What is sex if not a compelled duel of sorts between you and your partner? A sensual duel where you’re both the winner. You lock eyes and you’re immediately compelled to duel with your bodies until you’re both satisfied in that special way.
13: Find Familiar
We’ve talked a lot about ways to spice things up here, but perhaps a third party? Have you tried finding a familiar in a joint sexual conquest with your partner? Maybe you should give it a try, or maybe your partner is super not into that and will be very mad that you brought it up. Either way, it’s a pretty sexy idea, wouldn’t ya say?
12: Magic Missile
This may be the most straightforward one on the list. Magic Missile. Penis. You can use them interchangeably. If your partner has a penis and you call it a Magic Missile, your partner will hit that Goodberry every time, just like a Magic Missile.
11: Beast Bond
Shakespeare once called making love the beast with two backs, and I think that’s pretty hot. What’s hotter though? Beast Bond. When you make love, you’re bonding with that beautiful beast that is your partner. Together you bond into one beast, except unlike Othello there’s no tragedy here. Just two people getting it on, all nasty.
10: Hunter’s Mark
Leading off the top ten we have Hunter’s Mark, and frankly I’m already turned on just thinking about it. You, the hunter; your partner, the prey. You mark them, perhaps through some sort of roleplay, or literally with bodily fluids. Either way you got yourself a pretty titillating situation on your hands.
9: Guiding Bolt
Oooh boy! Guiding bolt? You kidding me? Is it hot in here or is it just Guiding Bolt? You could think of your partner coming at you with passion in their eyes as a Guiding Bolt, or perhaps your trouser snake is one. Either way, I think we can all agree we are getting to the creme of the crop here.
8: Ceremony
Sometimes you really want to set the scene, make a special evening out of it. Think about getting down with your partner not just as sex, but as a ceremony. We’re not gonna fuck, we’re gonna make love in a beautiful, sacred way. If you think about it this way, you may just unlock a new, more special sexual experience with your lover.
7: Earth Tremor
We’re kicking it up a notch. Have you ever felt the earth move upon achieving an orgasm? If so, I’m very jealous. This is what you want to strive for, when the act of sex gets to a whole other level. When you and your partner join together in such an impactful and fervent way that it feels like the earth itself tremors.
6: Entangle
This is when you’re so close to your partner it feels like their arms and perhaps their legs are all around you, and maybe they are? Moving all over your body, making you feel good in every possible place. Does that not do it for you? If you’re looking for a kinkier interpretation, maybe you’d like to be all tied up. Entangled more literally and at the mercy of your partner.
5. Dissonant Whispers
We’re taking dirty talk to a whole new level. There’s a reason Comprehend Languages is 28, and here we are at 5 with Dissonant Whispers. Sure, dissonant refers to things that lack harmony or are unusual, but so is the act of making love. When you’re in that incredible moment with your partner and you don’t know what to say, you just whisper in their ears whatever dissonant things may come to mind. There’s nothing wrong with that. Think about something unexpected a partner has whispered in your ear that aroused you, and then maybe share it in the comments if it’s not the most nasty dirty filthy thing you’ve ever heard. Or maybe do anyways, we’re all having fun here.
4: Longstrider
Just say it. Longstrider. You’re a little turned on now aren’t you? Have you ever referred to your partner as Longstrider? Or called yourself that? Give it a try, why not, life is short! You know what’s not? LONGSTRIDER. Fuck, it’s just so much fun to say! I don’t know if I’m gonna make it through the top 3.
3: Command
Oh yeah, Command me daddy! Tell me what to do, boss me around, make me your bitch! Whoa sorry about that folks! But come on, in all seriousness, I think a lot of us love when our partner takes charge in the bedroom. Or perhaps you exude that dominant energy that makes your partner swoon. A command can be extremely sexy both given and taken, and if you haven’t introduced a little bit of dom/sub play in your love life, you should give it a try.
2: Thunderous Smite
Oh fuck yeah! This list is starting to feel like edging now. Next time you’re lying with your partner and begin having passionate intense sex, and you’re about to have an explosive orgasm, just tell them to give you a Thunderous Smite. You will not regret it. I may take this time to reference another song, Crazy Town’s Butterfly, “I make your legs shake you make me go crazy.” That’s what comes to mind when I think of a Thunderous Smite. Just an insane leg-shaking, headboard-shattering orgasm.
1: Ensnaring Strike
Here we are, the sexiest sounding level 1 spell. I think it’s appropriate that this one builds on themes of earlier spells on this list. Because sex is not just one act or one arousing suggestion. It’s a beautiful combination, and it’s different for everyone. We’ve talked a lot about being trapped or tied up physically, being at your lover’s mercy while they pleasure you. About just being cared for or wrapped up on a deeper, more metaphorical level. I think Ensnaring Strike fills both those roles. Of course it’s not just about the ensnaring, it’s also about the strike. Lovemaking often consists of many strikes, whether that be penetration of some kind or the impact of a partner’s warm hand or a paddle with some filthy yet charming words carved into it. Whatever meaning you have for it, you’re already thinking of it now, and you’re already feeling it in your loins. Ensnaring Strike just hits different, and if it does hit, you must make a strength saving throw or be restrained by magical vines until the spell ends.
Well, that’s it. The 50 sexiest level 1 spells. If you’d like me to do this again for level 2 spells then make sure you share this list with all your dungeon daddies and the horniest bards you know. Feel free to comment with your favorites or tell me I was wrong and how you’re mad Tasha’s Hideous Laughter didn’t make the list. (Even though you’d be dumb to think so, I mean come on it has hideous in the name.)
This city has a problem. A masked menace who thinks he can just run roughshod over anyone he deems as lesser than the other citizens just because of some crimes being committed. Everyone seems to love him though, no one listens to the most sensible person in all of New York, J. Jonah Jameson. If they did, maybe my friends wouldn’t be out of commission.
I’m of course talking about Spider-Man. He swings around like he owns the place, covering the city in the sticky white goo he shoots out. It’s disgusting, I’m sick of him and I’m gonna defeat him.
You might be thinking that there’s no way I could possibly do that, and I can see why you might think that. Sure, Spider-Man has been able to defeat supervillains like that old guy with the wings, eight-legged George Costanza, the big black goo, Avi Arad, and Killer Croc, but they didn’t have the determination I do.
Time and time again I’ve had to witness my friends put in the hospital by this freak. We’re not hurting anybody, we aren’t blowing up buildings or infecting the city with a plague. We might steal some jewels or sell some drugs, but we’re just trying to make a living in this messed up economy. I just want to be able to afford a carton of eggs and pay child support to the six estranged kids I have. But this guy has to always come along and beat the tar out of us.
Five Finger Frankie is in a coma since Spider-Man spun him around in the air and slammed him head first. Two Ball Saul is about to become One Ball Saul since Spider-Man whipped that mailbox at him. It’s inhumane, it’s superhero brutality.
Unlike all those superpowered villains, it’s personal for me. That’s how I know I can defeat him.
I don’t need any powers to do it either, just my own naturally obtained muscles and my good friend Floyd the baseball bat. I know I can wear him down, he can’t dodge all of my attacks if I just keep swinging non-stop. Good old Floyd will protect me against his attacks and when he least expects it, I’ll start wailing on him. I don’t need powers and I don’t need a gang to do it, I have the lord on my side.
When I defeat him I’ll be a hero to all the downtrodden. They’ll look up to me and this will be my city. I’ll even give everyone health insurance like Mr. Fisk gave to us before that masked menace put him behind bars.
GOLDENROD CITY — As our cerulean planet completes yet another long journey around the sun, reports have begun pouring in from across the Johto region that an up and coming Pokémon trainer, 12-year-old Anton, appears to be the only one to follow through on his New Year’s resolution to spend more time at the gym.
“No one becomes a Pokémon Master overnight; we all have to start somewhere. It’s all about committing, knowing your limitations, and then stepping out of your comfort zone to push beyond those limits,” said Anton, showing off his collection of Gym Badges.
“I started out training at Violet Gym, just nice and slow. Now I’ve got all the way up to my Fog Badge and I’m still looking ahead! You just have to remember no one’s gonna be taking on the Elite Four right off the bat. It’s all about finding what works best for you and your Pokémon.”
In light of Anton’s recent gains, more lackadaisical trainers from across the region were high on defense. One older trainer, Delroy of Olivine City, was on the quick attack with excuses.
“Yeah yeah, I fell off going to the gym, but I’ve got a lot going on, it’s hard to find time to battle,” said Delroy, multiple Garbadors waddling around his living room.
“Look, I’ve got a couple badges under my belt, I just took a short break after Whitney at Goldenrod Gym kept bringing out that stupid Milktank of hers. It’s just too exhausting. So what if I’m a bit of a Snorlax? One of these days I’ll vine whip myself into shape, but those gyms are full of Gurdurr Heads and I just can’t stand them. You know those guys are all PP Maxing anyway.”
The use of vitamins in the Johto Gym scene remains somewhat of an open secret according to Anton, who claims neither he nor his accountability partner, Bruno of the Elite Four, had ever utilized the performance enhancers. While we could not reach Bruno for comment, we were able to speak with his Machamp, who set the record straight.
While Anton continues to remain a success story for those yearning to fulfill their resolutions this year, not everyone was quite as optimistic. We spoke with Poké Mart cashier Niles about his resolutions.
“I mean, I used to have goals like Anton,” said Niles, stacking a box of Great Balls on the shelf.
“I thought one day everyone around town would know my name, but even frequent visitors to the Poké Mart tend to forget I exist. Honestly I never even really started my Pokémon Journey. I tried, but my Piplup and I never really clicked.
“When you’re young like Anton, you have all these aspirations; you wanna be the very best like no one ever was, but that’s just not possible for the majority of us. We can’t go to the gyms all the time. By the time I get off work I feel like Tangela; Mega Drained. So I guess I left all that behind. I stopped making resolutions a while ago, now I’m just surviving day to day, what’s there to live for? I’ve amounted to nothing… Gengar used Dream Eater and it’s super effective…”
At press time, Anton was seen waking up before dawn to take his Pokémon for a walk.
Gamers have long argued over which console is the best. Lovingly referred to as “console wars,” these arguments are some of the most divisive of any in the space, and for good reason. How can anyone truly determine which console is the “best” when nobody can agree what it is that makes a console good? It makes sense that the conflict still wages today.
Until now. We at Hard Drive have decided to determine what truly is the best console, so nobody has to fight about it anymore. This list marks the end of the console wars.
#30 — Nintendo Virtual Boy
Release Date: July 21, 1995
Best Exclusive: 3D Tetris
The Virtual Boy is easily the worst console on this list. The monochrome display looks awful, the controller is an ergonomic nightmare, you have to lean way over to actually see into it causing awful headaches and neck pain, and there were hardly any games for the thing.
There were only 22 Virtual Boy games released, with only 14 of them releasing in North America. These games include a reimagining of the original Mario Bros. that is made no better by the inclusion of stereoscopic 3D, a Mario Tennis game that is made no better by the inclusion of stereoscopic 3D, and 3D Tetris, which is actually pretty cool. It does not need to be on this awful system, though, so that’s no points towards the Virtual Boy.
#29 — Xbox Series S
Release Date: November 10, 2020
Best Exclusive: Hi-Fi Rush
Listen. Something had to be at the bottom of the list. It’s very difficult to rank the Xbox Series S due to its somewhat unique position, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it simply shouldn’t exist. There is no malice in this decision, and I understand that it’s intended as a budget alternative to the Series X, which was released on the same day, but the negatives far outweigh the positives here.
The all digital nature of the console combined with the increasingly aggressive push of Xbox Game Pass is concerning when you consider the nature of digital ownership, so I can’t recommend the console to anyone. Microsoft’s insistence of feature parity between the Series S and Series X console means this console is making current-gen games worse for those who bought the more powerful console. The controller is nice, but that’s not unique to the Series S.
#28 — Sega Saturn
Release Date: November 22, 1994
Best Exclusive: Panzer Dragoon
The Sega Saturn was a commercial failure. Compared to its peers from Nintendo and Sony, it lacked high profile releases from franchises that fans loved. It was launched as a surprise in North America leading to poor initial sales and was never able to recover.
That said, Panzer Dragoon slaps. I love that game. There’s nothing else like it. Star Fox does not even come close to the greatness of this series. I will die on that hill.
#27 — Sega Dreamcast
Release Date: November 27, 1998
Best Exclusive: Soulcalibur
The Dreamcast is an amazing looking console. The color palette is fantastic, and the circular motif on the controller mimicking the CD tray on the console itself is genius. Unfortunately, it is also the console that killed Sega as a first party developer. It was unable to compete with the PS2, despite having some fantastic games.
Full disclosure: I have played several Sonic games, and hated every one of them. I know that you all love Sonic Adventure. I know it’s a good game, and I know by saying this all of the Sonic fans have written off this entire list as invalid. Soulcalibur, on the other hand? That game is my jam.
#26 — PlayStation Vita
Release Date: December 17, 2011
Best Exclusive: Persona 4 Golden
The PlayStation Vita was seemingly forgotten by Sony only a couple of years after its release, but it could have been great. The successor to the PlayStation Portable, the Vita boasted dazzling new features like “thumbsticks that don’t hurt to use” and “not using a disc drive in a handheld.”
None of that matters, though, because the lineup of games is subpar. There are some great JRPGs and lots of indies, but major first- and third-party support ended pretty quickly after launch, resulting in a somewhat disappointing library.
#25 — Nintendo Entertainment System
Release Date: October 18, 1985
Best Exclusive: Super Mario Bros. 3
Deciding where to rank the NES is not an easy task. On one hand, it helped the video game industry climb back after the crash and its legacy is still felt today. On the other hand, the controller hurts my hands and many of the games are mediocre at best.
There are certainly some gems. Super Mario Bros. 3 has aged wonderfully, and adventure games like Metroid weren’t really possible on older home consoles.
#24 — Nintendo Game Boy
Release Date: April 21, 1989
Best Exclusive: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
I hope you like green, because the Game Boy has four shades of it. While technically portable it’s actually rather large and you don’t see many people nowadays pulling a Game Boy out of their pocket to play Tetris on the go. It’s also a bit of a battery sink.
The buttons are meaty and satisfying to press, but the rest of the physical design of the handheld is lacking. The screen lacks a backlight, and relatively low processing power means many games are rather simple. Link’s Awakening is a standout, however.
#23 — Sega Mega Drive
Release Date: October 29, 1988
Best Exclusive: Sonic 3D Blast
With the release of the Mega Drive, Sega decided to do the unthinkable and make a controller with three face buttons, which I think is stupid. What is it even for? If only this controller had six buttons instead, then it would be perfect for fighting games. I guess there are some good games on the system? I spend more time thinking about the controller, to be honest.
#22 — Sega Genesis
Release Date:August 14, 1989
Best Exclusive: Golden Axe
Now this is a console. Unlike the Mega Drive, which has three face buttons on its controller, the Genesis has six, which makes it at least twice as good. The aesthetic of the console itself is so much better too. The iconic Genesis logo and monochrome design make this a great looking system. I think there are some Sonic games on it, too?
I had to google which Sonic game was on this thing, and in doing so learned that there are a lot more Sonic games than I thought there were. What do people see in this franchise? The stupid hedgehog never goes where I want him to. It’s just too fast.
#21 — Sega Master System
Release Date: October 20, 1985
Best Exclusive: Phantasy Star
Phantasy Star is, to my knowledge, the only Master System game that I have ever played or even heard of, but it absolutely rocks so the Master System gets automatic points. The 3D dungeons were novel for the time, and the enemy design is so expressive and – Huh? This is supposed to be about the Master System? It’s fine, I guess.
#20 — Playstation Portable
Release Date: December 12, 2004
Best Exclusive: God of War: Ghost of Sparta
The PSP has a lot going against it. The controls are heavily downgraded from that of the PS2, severely limiting the potential for games on the system. It uses optical discs for games, for some reason, which is a huge pain for if you want to swap to a different game on the go. That said, it’s impressive how powerful the hardware was for the time.
Many games on the system are fantastic. Both PSP exclusive God of War games are awesome, with Ghost of Sparta being almost necessary for Kratos’ story, and Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII is a fun action game. It’s a marvel how those run on a handheld from 2004.
#19 — Xbox Series X
Release Date: November 10, 2020
Best Exclusive: Hi-Fi Rush
The Xbox Series X is just a much better version of the Series S, this time with a disc drive. It has generally powerful hardware and a great controller, but there still aren’t that many exclusives that are good enough to warrant purchasing a whole new console.
#18 — Nintendo Wii U
Release Date: November 18, 2012
Best Exclusive: Splatoon
The Wii U was ahead of its time. Recent years have brought handheld cloud devices designed to connect to your computer or console to be able to play your favorite games without hogging the television, but Nintendo did it first and better. It’s not perfect, and it’s clear that Nintendo iterated on the concept with their next console, but the Gamepad is not nearly as bad of an idea as most people said it was back in 2012.
The Wii U didn’t get too many games due to its short lifespan and poor third-party support, but what games it did get are mostly pretty good. Splatoon is an incredibly fun and creative third person shooter, and Super Mario 3D World was always a good Mario game, despite what the haters say.
#17 — Nintendo Game Boy Color
Release Date: October 21, 1996
Best Exclusive: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening DX
The Game Boy Color is a smaller Game Boy with a color screen and a lot of very good exclusive games. Link’s Awakening DX is one of the best, despite just being an updated version of the Game Boy original.
#16 — Playstation 3
Release Date: November 11, 2006
Best Exclusive: God of War 3
The PS3 had a rough launch. It initially retailed at $499, which was a steep price at the time. Sony got a little arrogant after the massive success of the PS2, and decided to try and make an all-in-one home media machine. Unfortunately, the unconventional architecture of the system led to poor third party support, and the high price meant poor initial sales.
The first party exclusives are why people bought a PS3, though. Games like God of War 3 or The Last of Us were experiences only available on PlayStation, and were enough to make up for the shortcomings of the console itself and cause the PS3 to eventually pull ahead of its competition in sales.
#15 — Xbox One
Release Date: November 22, 2013
Best Exclusive: Sea of Thieves
The Xbox One also had an unfortunate launch. Microsoft went all in on restricting resale of physical games, and even though they backpedaled on the decision, the console was never able to catch up with the PS4 after that.
Games like Sea of Thieves and Quantum Break are fun, but play better on PC and weren’t quite worth buying a whole console for.
#14 — Nintendo Game Boy Advance
Release Date: March 21, 2001
Best Exclusive: Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga
The original GBA had its flaws, including being somewhat uncomfortable to hold and still not having a lit screen. The revision, the Game Boy Advance SP, is fantastic. The new clamshell design was far more comfortable in the hand and clearly made way for the design of the DS, and the screen finally had a light so you could actually see what you were playing.
I never owned a Game Boy Advance, but I did play Super Mario Advance with a friend on his GBA on the bus home from school every day. Turns out that some of the best GBA games are just SNES games, on the go.
#13 — Super Nintendo Entertainment System
Release Date: November 21, 1990
Best Exclusive: Chrono Trigger
The Super Nintendo controller was so good that almost all controllers today draw influence from it. The console itself is iconic, and Nintendo’s first-party lineup was stellar.
But the real reason I love the Super Nintendo is because it’s the console that gave us Chrono Trigger, the best turn-based RPG ever made. The SNES is perfect for this kind of game: It’s capable of rendering gorgeous sprite art and supports games long enough that they can feel meaty without overstaying their welcome.
#12 — PlayStation
Release Date: December 3, 1994
Best Exclusive: Resident Evil 2
The Playstation is an early 3D system with an extensive game library that you’re sure to like at least part of. The controller is essentially an SNES controller but far, far more comfortable.
RPGs like Final Fantasy VII and survival horror games like Resident Evil came to define the system, which was marketed as the “adult” console for anyone too mature and cool for a Nintendo system.
#11 — Nintendo DS
Release Date: November 21, 2004
Best Exclusive: Super Mario 64 DS
The original model of the DS was pretty chunky and somewhat heavy, but the DS Lite fixed pretty much every issue with the build of the handheld. The controls are essentially that of the Super Nintendo, just on the go. The bottom screen is a touchscreen, adding more possibilities for games that wouldn’t work on a home console.
The DS was revolutionary for being a handheld that was able to render full 3D games. Games like Super Mario 64 DS run surprisingly well, though the low resolution of the screen can make it a bit hard to make out details at times.
#10 — Xbox 360
Release Date: November 22, 2005
Best Exclusive: Gears of War
The Xbox 360 is probably the better of the two main consoles of its generation, despite selling fewer units than the PS3. The low price point compared to its competitor led many to make the switch to Xbox. The controller is almost perfect, except for the lack of rechargeable battery.
Many units were known to die for little apparent reason, known as the “red ring of death.” It’s a testament to the staying power of the system that it’s well liked despite that.
#9 — Nintendo 64
Release Date: June 23, 1996
Best Exclusive: Glover
The Nintendo 64 made a bold decision to still be cartridge-based in an era of CDs, a decision that ended up hurting Nintendo, but not the weirdest part of that console. That would be the controller. What the hell was Nintendo thinking with this thing? Sure, you’re supposed to use either the center prong or the left one, but why make it that way at all? You can never easily reach every button on the controller at once, severely limiting the possibilities for what games could do with all of the controls.
Speaking of games, the Nintendo 64 was, for a brief period in time, the only place you could play Glover, which pushes it way up the list. Glover is, without a doubt, the best 3D platformer on the system, and maybe even the best 3D platformer ever made, so Nintendo is lucky that they were blessed with such a fantastic game.
#8 — PlayStation 5
Release Date: November 12, 2020
Best Exclusive: God of War Ragnarok
The PS5 has the best controller of any current-gen console, and actually looks pretty cool once you clear a space large enough for it. It was hurt by production issues surrounding the launch, causing low stock for several years.
The other main issue with the console is a relatively small library, but that’s slowly becoming less of a problem. Games like God of WarRagnarok really show off the power of the system and the speed of the SSD.
#7 — Nintendo 3DS
Release Date: February 26, 2011
Best Exclusive: StreetPass
The 3DS is a better version of the DS, with more powerful hardware, a “glasses free 3D” screen, and a circle pad that wishes it was a real thumbstick. The 3D is a neat gimmick that generally doesn’t add too much to games, but the circle pad is rather helpful for 3D games.
The best thing about the 3DS isn’t even the games, though. It’s StreetPass. This is such a genius feature. It made me want to bring my 3DS with me even if I didn’t think I’d have time to use it, because you never knew when you’d get a StreetPass hit. It’s a shame the Switch didn’t have a similar feature, because I would bring it out with me a lot more if it did.
#6 — Nintendo GameCube
Release Date: September 14, 2001
Best Exclusive: Resident Evil 4
Nintendo released a tech demo for what GameCube games could look like by making a gritty, realistic looking Zelda demo. Gamers were pissed when they saw what the GameCube Zelda actually looked like, but it turned out to be one of the best Zelda games so they couldn’t stay mad for long.
The GameCube is, famously, the only platform where you can play Resident Evil 4. It says it on the game’s box, so it must be true.
#5 — Xbox
Release Date: November 15, 2001
Best Exclusive: Halo: Combat Evolved
The original Xbox brought us Halo, which revolutionized the first person shooter genre and still influences games made today. The controller is also insane, and I love it. It’s the perfect console to be made in America: it’s stupidly large for no apparent reason, and has a lovably stupid design with a giant “X” across the top of the system.
#4 — PlayStation 4
Release Date: November 15, 2013
Best Exclusive: God of War
The PS4 was the clear winner of the eighth console generation, becoming one of the highest selling consoles ever, and for good reason. The PS4 has a great controller, a sleek design, and tons of fantastic exclusives.
#3 — Nintendo Wii
Release Date: November 19, 2006
Best Exclusive: Super Mario Galaxy
The Wii is significant for turning so many people into gamers. Nintendo primarily marketed the Wii as a more casual, family friendly console compared to Playstation and Xbox, and the marketing worked. The motion controls were novel at the time, and easy for non-gamers to understand.
Games like Wii Sports contributed greatly to the success of the system. Everyone knows how baseball or bowling work, and the motion controls make it incredibly easy to pick up and play even if you’ve never played any games before. There are certainly more traditional games on the system, but they’re far rarer than the casual ones.
#2 — Nintendo Switch
Release Date: March 7, 2017
Best Exclusive: Super Mario Odyssey
The Nintendo Switch released between generations, because Nintendo does not care about generations at all. After the massive success of the Wii and massive failure of the Wii U, Nintendo needed to innovate in order to create another hit. The main innovation was combining their handheld and home console lineup into one hybrid system that can be played on the television or on the go.
The Switch also had a killer first year of games. Zelda,Splatoon, and Mario were the highlights, but the system had tons of different styles of games for everyone.
#1 — PlayStation 2
Release Date: March 4, 2000
Best Exclusive: God of War 2
The PS2 is, definitively, the best console of all time. It’s the highest selling console ever made, and for good reason. The controller is perfect, the system looks fantastic, and it was cheaper than buying a regular DVD player, but the main draw is the games.
Oh, the games. There were so many amazing games on this thing. Final Fantasy X.Silent HIll 2. Final Fantasy X-2. Metal Gear Solid 3. Final Fantasy XII.Shadow of the Colossus. It’s impossible to list them all. There’s no other system with such a density of fantastic games on it, and there likely won’t be for a long, long time.
In Conclusion
Turns out it’s rather difficult to rank consoles. Do we even know what makes a good console? Is it the amount of units it sells? Is it the games that are available on it? The games exclusive to it? It’s a good thing we made this list, because these are tough questions that likely never would have been answered otherwise.
And it’s actually none of those things. The best console is the one you enjoy playing the most, which is obviously the PlayStation 2, because no other console has that many God of War Games.
ATLANTA – The page has turned on the calendar and my wife has made it her New Year’s resolution to clean the house. Me? I’m going to do some house cleaning of my own, as my New Year’s resolution is to finally clear my steam backlog…oh wow, Sea of Thieves is half off!
I haven’t played Sea of Thieves since my PC Game Pass free trial – it would be nice to get back into that after playing first-person shooters all the time. $19.99 is a hell of a deal, but I’ve had Bioshock 2 Remastered, Bioshock Infinite, and Batman: Arkham City GOTY Edition all sitting there in my Steam library, so I should prob…oh holy shit that Humble Bundle GOG RPG bundle is fire.
Twelve bucks for seven games and that includes Kingdom Come: Deliverance and Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales? That’s hours upon hours of incredible gaming I can grab right now for nearly free.
No, no, I still need to plow through my Steam library. Never finished Sunset Overdrive and Sleeping Dogs and I really need to restart Stardew Valley now that I know the most efficient crop planting strategy.
You don’t want to do that Dan. The Fanatical Winter Mystery Bundle has 20 mystery keys for $13.49. We’re bound to find one worthwhile game in there.
NO! Shut up! I’ve had Tales from the Borderlands and The Walking Dead Seasons 1 and 2 since 2014 and I haven’t touched them yet! Let me get through what I already own before I spend more money!
Today’s free game in the Epic store is Ghostrunner, Dan.
Ha!I already got that in my April 2022 Humble Choice. I haven’t played that, either!
Outer Worlds on both Epic and Steam. Disco Elysium…my friend won’t shut up about it and I got that in my August Humble Choice. Prison Architect. Party Hard and Party Hard 2. I never finished Deathloop and that’s really good – don’t know why I stopped. Probably because I went back to Fortnite…still need to get to Level 70 in this season’s Battle Pass so I can get the buff Peter Griffin skin.
Dead Island. Control Ultimate Edition. Graveyard Keeper. Void Bastards…all just…sitting there. Waiting for me to return. Waiting for me to return from this spiral, this insanity.
Alan Wake 2 is discounted 20% right now and everyone says it’s ♬ phe-nom-e-nal! ♬
You’re the Devil! You’re MY American Nightmare! I couldn’t even finish Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus because my PC bogged down near the end when too many enemies were on the screen. I have a new PC now, but what salvation has that provided? Has it relieved me of this pain?
I can relieve your pain, Dan. GOG is offering South of the Circle for free. Green Man Gaming has Hogwarts Legacy for $25.50. Have you heard of the website IsThereAnyDeal? Our backlog will always be there for us. Time to find something new.
I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO TEMPTATION! GET…OUT…OF…MY…HEAD! I PRAY TO MY LORD AND SAVIOR JES…Aw snap, The Finals is out of beta?
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