#60 — Kano
Kano keeps trying to get you to listen to episodes of Joe Rogan’s podcast with him.
#59 — Kung Jin
“Did you know my uncle is Kung Lao?” “That reminds me of something Kung Lao always says — he’s my uncle, by the way.” “Wow, thanks for showing me that cool movie you love! I can’t wait to tell my uncle Kung Lao about this!” I am going to kill you.
#58 — Sektor
Dating Sektor is like being in the most fucked up version of the movie Her. You don’t want to date a robot, fellas. And you especially don’t want to date a robot who spends all their time cosplaying as the Predator from the Predator films.
#57 — Smoke
Look, a lot of people grow up as a palette swap of other guys — that’s called being a teenager. But at some point, you really need to find a way to become your own person (and no, becoming a cyborg isn’t the answer). Smoke would be a solid partner, don’t get me wrong. He’s just always gonna have that weird “I know I’m not as good as him” energy that’s super annoying.
#56 — Reiko
If you wanna be with Shao Kahn, but Shao Kahn isn’t available, we have Shao Kahn at home and he’s Reiko. But don’t come crying to me when he ends up being a little bit shittier than Shao Kahn in every way and you end up not-so-secretly in love with his best friend. That’s not Reiko’s fault; that’s on you. He told you he’s a shitty version of Shao Kahn.
#55 — Takeda
Takeda is a great boyfriend if all you’re looking for in a relationship is someone who sends you a bunch of Instagram reels that you already saw on TikTok a month ago. Outside of that, he’s kinda just around, and somehow moved in with you already.
#54 — Ashrah
The Mortal Kombat wikipedia page describes Ashrah by saying, “despite having the appearance of an elegant, old-fashioned, attractive young woman, Ashrah is actually a demon.” I’m sorry, but can’t just describe all your exes as “secretly a demon.” Ashrah is a nice enough person.
#53 — Motaro
Not to get dirty here, because this is a list of how good a spouse everyone would be, but Motaro is, shall we say, hung like a horse. And I mean “like” a horse, because it’s not really a horse — it’s more of like a lizard horse thing. My point is that he has an enormous penis. He’s also a bit of an enormous penis himself, though, so points off there.
#52 — Skarlet
Talk about a girl who will rip your heart out! Haha, no but seriously, she will literally rip your heart out. Like with her hands. Also she will break up with you out of nowhere even though you’re madly in love with her.
#51 — Kollector
A lot of people think they want to date someone like Kollector, but it’s lowkey NOT a healthy foundation for a relationship for your partner to be extremely loyal to you ONLY if you are willing to help them gain wealth and status through violence.
#50 — Taven
You would date Taven for six months and then break up and all your friends are like “oh my god THANK YOU, we all fucking HATED THAT GUY” and then you end up back with him and your friends are like “ohh yeah, Taven is…. great, mhm.”
#49 — Kung Lao
DO NOT TRICK YOURSELF INTO DATING KUNG LAO. Holy shit. You might think he is a nice guy when you meet him, but everyone warns you: he is so fucking annoying. “Did you know my hat is also a blade?” YES, KUNG LAO. I FUCKING KNOW. CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE?!
#48 — Cassie Cage
Doesn’t matter, you will never be with Cassie Cage. Nice try, bozo.
#47 — Dairou
Dairou went to prison for killing the man who murdered his family. So as far as how good a spouse he would be, I guess you can ask his wife how thankful she is for that revenge. Oh right, she’s dead.
#46 — Kai
Kai thinks he’s a lot funnier and a lot more interesting than he is, but he’s just some guy. I don’t have time for that shit. Talk to me when you grow 2-4 more arms.
#45 — Hsu Hao
Hsu Hao knows he isn’t well-liked and he’s doing his damndest to get on your good side. He’s doing chores around the house, he’s complimenting your looks all the time, he’s holding open doors for you… and it’s nice, no really it is. Too bad you already decided you were gonna dump his ass a week ago.
#44 — Kira
Dating someone who is constantly bragging about their accomplishments is annoying, but it’s even more annoying when the accomplishment is that you girl-bossed and Mulaned your way through selling weapons to terrorists in Afghanistan. Play second fiddle to someone cooler, please.
#43 — Blaze
Blaze is your classic gym bro. He’s not the brightest, but he can be sweet when it’s just the two of you. Just make sure he’s not an asshole to you when he’s in front of his friends because he’s secretly a little ashamed to be with such a nerdy, bookish partner. You have to always make sure I’m your #1, Blaze! Or else what are we?! I knew this was a mistake!!!!
#42 — Rain
“I’m just a gag character, actually.” “I’m just DLC this game.” “I’m not playable all the time.” How about you stop feeling sorry for yourself for one goddamn second, Rain, and take out the fucking trash? You know Meat’s a gag character and his spouse NEVER has to put up with this shit!
#41 — Kenshi
You would date Kenshi for two years and then find out he thought you were just friends who hooked up every now and then. “But we live together!” you’d yell at him. “I thought we were trying to save on rent by not having two rooms!”
