#20 — Incineroar
Incineroar is a professional wrestler and made of fire, making him such a walking liability that no conventional health network is going to touch him. He’s screwed.
#19 — Simon Belmont
Simon is a good example of how sometimes life experience can work against you. He’s rightfully skeptical of most nefarious sounding insurance pitches, but if it involves anything supernatural he buys it hook, line, and sinker. He pays one guy 200 bucks for something called “Ghost insurance.” No way that’s real.
#18 — Dark Pit
Dark Pit is so easy to scam. Just whatever you’re telling him, be like “Pit said it sounded wayyy too risky,” and then boom. Easiest money in the world.
#17 — Min Min
Min Min is made of ramen noodles, so she is basically a broke college student…. Who is the heir to the famed (rich?) Mintendo Noodle House. SCAM AWAY, SCAMMERS.
#16 — Fox McCloud
It would be so incredibly easy for Slippy Toad to trick Fox into thinking he has to do a ton of work on the Landmaster that he didn’t actually have to do. Fox is an idiot and this is payback for all those times everyone on the ship mocked Slippy for saying “do a barrel roll.” Who’s the scaredy cat now, Fox?!
#15 — Donkey Kong
HUH! He’s the leader of the bunch, you know him well. He’s finally back to kick some tail! He’s smashing every barrel and jumping over flames. He’s going to fall for fake death claims!
#14 — Hero
This silly amalgamation of Dragon Quest protagonists would sadly be no match for the modern insurance scammer. They’d pitch something like how the four iterations of the ‘Hero’ character could all chip in for one fourth of the cost to hire an independent arson investigator, and then three weeks later all four of them would just be standing there with their dicks and their swords in their hands.
#13 — King K. Rool
K. Rool is an interesting one. He’s so lonely, he just goes along with anything that happens to him, even if he can tell it’s fishy. One time he split a cab to the Secretary of State with a guy that was scamming him out of his boat, and rumor has it he said right to him, “I know you’re scamming me out of my boat, but I really just wanted to take a ride with someone.” That’s so bleak.
#12 — Wolf O’Donnell
In a humorous twist, insurance scammers have long used Wolf’s insistence on being involved “with absolutely any evil shit” he hears about to their advantage. They’ll stand within earshot of Wolf and talk about their latest schemes and how they just need a little bit of money to get it going, and then Wolf will beg them to let him get involved. It’s honestly pretty sad.
#11 — Mr. Game & Watch
Mr. Game & Watch is so old school, he’d buy anything a salesman that came to his door and called him “Sir,” had to sell him. The idiot.
#10 — Richter Belmont
Few people know that the reason that the Belmonts have a legendary beef with Dracula is because, before they were vampire hunters, the Belmonts actually owned a home insurance company. And guess which immortal bloodspawn kept scamming Richter’s family out of money with claims of broken chandeliers and such?
#9 — Mii Gunner
Considering that Mii Gunner is made from user-creator characters and they’re constantly holding a gun, this is the game’s representation of the average American citizen. And unfortunately, Americans lose at least $309 billion dollars a year from insurance fraud.
#8 — Captain Falcon
Captain Falcon has paid so much money to people who have tricked him into thinking he “ran them over with his car” even though they actually jumped in front of it. He is really really stupid.
#7 — Joker
You could trick Joker into doing literally anything if you’re his busty school teacher who he shouldn’t be having a relationship with.
#6 — Luigi
Luigi is so scared of everything you could honestly sell him as much insurance as you wanted. Just show him some bar graphs and tell him it could already be too late and watch him start crying and filling out a check as quickly as he can.
#5 — Villager
You would be horrified if you knew exactly how many bells Villager is paying Tom Nook for literally no reason at all. Nook and his horrible nephews belong in prison for what they’ve done.
#4 — Pyra/Mythra
Pyra keeps falling for insurance scam to insurance scam, much to the chagrin of Mythra, who she shares a body with. Mythra fights tirelessly to untangle the legal mess that Pyra has created for the two of them, but everytime they switch, Pyra goes to the doctor and ends up paying for a ton of shit the duo doesn’t need.
#3 — Sora
Sora is easily getting tricked into an insurance scam after Donald Duck claims he was in an accident that he made up entirely, playing on Sora’s desperate love for his so-called friends.
#2 — Pit
Pit is a hypochondriac and goes to the doctor literally once a week. It’s insane. At first the doctors felt bad about racking up the bill, but eventually, they were just like, whatever. Just add a fifth MRI this month to his tab.
#1 — Princess Peach
The entire Mushroom Kingdom is working in tandem to redistribute Princess Peach’s insane (unearned) wealth through various scams of the insurance nature. Godspeed, patriots.
